Mumsnet Talk

Four years today.

I don't know whether it's flown or not.

My lovely, kind, beautiful, funny boy. Who will always be 20 years old.

I don't think the date will ever pass easily. It's like you are transported right back. Horrible.

Always loved.

I'm sorry, this isn't a post a parent should ever have to write and i can't imagine how hard it must be for you.
Sending you best wishes and hugs.
Rest in peace Oliver. xxxx

Thinking of you today, you have been so kind to me and have helped me so much.
Many thoughts and parayers with you and your family.
RIP Oliver xx

Everlong, I can only imagine how hard it is for you and yes no parent should ever be where you are. More thoughts are with you and much love to you and your family xxxx

RIP Oliver x

I'm sorry for your loss everlong. Sending you a hug. Xx

Hope you can remember your son with some peace.

Thinking of your lovely Oliver today everlong , four years ! No time at all yet a lifetime lived without him .

Sending lots of love to you and your family today Everlong. All of these days are so painful. xxx

Thinking of you and Oliver today and always x

Oh heavens Everlong it can't possibly be four years can it? Realises it must be as DS1 should have been 5 this year. how can time go so fast and so slow all at the same time. Thinking of you and your lovely boy today.

Always loved, never forgotten.

XXX

Gosh Everlong. Is it four years?

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I am sure nothing will.

Thinking of you today.

X

Oh Everlong - many hugs.
xxx

I hope the happy memories of Oliver will be uppermost in your mind today. Thinking of you x

How you doing everlong ?

It's tw in disguise by the way x

Thank you all for your hugs. I need them.

tw you know how it is, you put that brave face on for so long and pretend you're ok but sometimes ( like today ) it's just too hard. I hate it. I want him back.. I'll be ok it's just because it's today. It's only a date I know that, like any other without him, irrational really.

So sorry for your loss.

Rational.doesn't come into everlong , I always feel a bit like the pagans felt about Halloween around harrys anniversary , the two halves of my world collide and I can't nod and smile anymore . It will pass but it is bloody tiring while it lasts .

Bit hugs and a large gin to you x

Oh Everlong (((hugs))). Thinking of you & your lovely boy - lots of love xxxxx xxxxx

Thank you tami xxxx

Thinking of you x

Is my dds birthday today. Hard day. Couldn't wait to get home from work to cry.

I know I can't say anything, but thoughts with you

Hugs for you too giraffes xx

So sorry .

It's not just a date, though, is it? And 4 years is nothing, really. He's still your boy.

Giraffes - I'm sorry. So many hard days.

Thinking of you and Oliver. I am so sorry.

Thinking of you too, giraffes.

Thinking of you, Everlong.

Today is 4 months since Aillidh died. Forever 9.

Much love to you.

Thank you expat

4 months. Those early months are beyond hard aren't they? There is nothing that anyone can do to help you. Even your best and loveliest friends. Just know that we are all here for you and holding you up the best we can.

How are you today, Everlong?

YY, transported back. It's like a friend of mine, whose 2.5 year old daughter died suddenly a few years ago said, 'You're dodging along, then something happens, could be totally random, and you realise that underneath, nothing has changed.'

I'm ok thank you. I cry in the car a lot. Not good when you can't see! I'm very good at saying I'm fine.

Yep your friend is right, it's always there. Just underneath the surface or your smile. But that's the way it has to be because that's how we never let them go.

I don't know what to say except that everlong, expat and others who are walking this path- I think of you all often.

That's kind janey

(hugs)

Much love Everlong x

Thank you.

Is that you usual?

I'm well confused

Yeah, tis me usual

Right well that's good.

Don't be changing again. I can't bloody keep up!

My beautiful friend, just remember that tears are liquid love. No wonder they sneak out when you least expect it. Your live for Oliver is all-enduring and endless. X

Your love, not your live!! Sorry.

I have only just seen this thread Everlong - so massive apologises for missing it.

4 years? My word - I bet that sometimes it feels like a 100 and sometimes like it just happened.

I have no 'right' words - not even sure they exist.....just sending my love to you and your family xxxxx

Thank you miasmummy for always saying the right words.

It's ok shabs tbh I wrote this post not expecting a reply. I just wanted somewhere to remember him. But thank you for thinking of us xx

I think I saw a robin last night, and right now, I can heard a beautiful bird song. Maybe it's Mia's blackbird? In any case, we have a lovely new bird table in view of the kitchen so our children's birds have something to eat in the winter months - will let you know if Oliver's robin makes an appearance. x

lovely!

I know the robins song now very well, it's quite a short sharp sound. Whenever I hear it I always say ' hello ' like a loon

It's Oliver's birthday today. 25 years old.
My first beautiful son born at 18.18hrs 8lb 1oz.
A wonderful son with a heart of gold, kind and loving with a terrible temper sometimes!
Sleep peacefully darling.

Happy birthday xxx

Happy birthday Oliver.

Much love to you all Everlong x

I feel I should have words of comfort, but it's just shit and unfair isn't it? I wish I could be more eloquent, but sometimes there are no words.

Happy birthday to your beautiful firstborn everlong

Happy Birthday Oliver. Thinking about you today Everlong, as always xxx

Happy Birthday, Oliver!

Happy birthday Oliver xx

Much love to you everlong, I'm shit with words but I'm pretty good at (((hugs))). They're pointless I know but I just don't know what else to do.

He should be with you xx

Birthday wishes to Oliver and his gorgeous mother. Just wish he was celebrating with you today. Hope you can embrace the joy and love of him that you felt from the moment he entered your world.

I shall watch for his robin today. Xx

Thank you all, you lovely women.

I hate Novemeber. Count the days till it's over.

shabs I've just done aerobics and guess what came on! Pump up the jam had to smile to myself and think of our boys rocking out in heaven. I hope so.

Hey and all your words and hugs are wonderful.

Pump up the jam Oh aye - I bet my lads and your lad are causing havoc...certainly hope they are xxx

Happy birthday Oliver !

I am with ilike , it is just shit and wrong .

Sending you hugs and gin x

Thank you tm hugs and gin are always welcome x

Thinking of you on Oliver's birthday x

Happy Birthday Oliver. Our Robin is back in the garden for winter, with his easily identifiable white stripe on his wings.

Helped scatter some of my Aunt's ashes at the crem in Oldham today. It rained. And then was shown where my Great Uncle's War Grave is in Greenacre's Cemetery. Someone had put a Poppy Cross there.

Hugs to all.

Happy Birthday Oliver.

Everlong, thinking of you xx

Oh dear god

This is terrible. I thought it was the 20th today. It's not is it?!?
It's Olivers birthday tomorrow!

I'm sorry son.

Thank you all anyway for all your lovely posts and hugs.

I wondered why I'd had no texts from anyone!

Happy Birthday for tomorrow Oliver.

(Your mother is clearly losing it).

I've bloody lost it exit

I think I may have found it

Better it give it back quick. I'm not safe to be let out!

Hope tomorrow passes peacefully for you my dear.

everlong, don't worry, you were just keen to acknowledge your boy!! We can easily do two days' worth of special everlong and Oliver love for you both

Happy Birthday Oliver xx Lots of love to you and your family Everlong xx

Ah thank you exit miasmuumy and lavandes

Right it's definitely Olivers birthday today! The 20 th of November!

Happy birthday my boy. I love you so much.

Happy birthday Oliver !

Thinking of you everlong .

Passes more gin and hugs , you can never have too much of either x

Happy birthday Oliver and much love to you Everlong. Time without them seems to pass so quickly, but the longing for them always remains. Love, like starlight, never dies xx

Happy Birthday Oliver!! I hope my two and your lad are going to get 'slightly tipsy' tonight and hope my lads push your lad around in a shopping trolley when they are on their 'pub crawl' - thats the only way to fully celebrate your birthday!!

Have lit my three candles to honour and show my love for all three of them. Sending my love and thoughts to you today xxxxx

shabs if our boys are anything like theirs mothers in the tipple department I guessing there'll be chaos up there tonight!

Just wish so much he was here to see ds4 in the drumming final in Feb. Oliver was so so proud of him and influenced him with his music. That makes me so sad.

Oh I know what you mean about Oliver being proud of his brother.

I wanted so much for my lads to be physically at my DS1's wedding.

<<slides a pint of Amaretto to her friend>> xxx

Oh I can imagine how the wedding was so emotional for you all. Such a big day.

A ^ pint^ of amaretto! I'm not that hard core x

<<swops it for a pint of Ouzo>>

xxx

Drinking this early in a morning

<joins in>

Happy Birthday Oliver.

xxx

Happy Birthday Oliver. Sending you much love and strength Everlong.

exit please don't let me influence you with my bad drinking habit! you are always so good and upright

Thank you Frank

Thinking of you and Oliver today x
Can you spend some time remembering some of the lovely and funny things ?
Hope you have a peaceful day

I will forever think of you on these two dates Everlong, they are very significant ones to me too. Always a hand to hold, and always a bottle to share...! X

" And in short measure
Life may perfect be"

- Ben Jonson -

Juggling thank you for your lovely words. You're right. I should be thinking lovely, funny things about him. I'm rubbish at this though. I'm the worlds worst shutter outer because I feel like if I start crying I will never stop. So I only give myself tiny snatches of him.
As a family we are all always talking about him, I can be brave then

Ah Frank and mignonette that's done it now. Truly bawling my eyes out!
Thank you, thank you xxxx

Everlong

I'm of the same mind regarding grief. I'm a shutter outer too. Because if I start to cry, I think I will never ever stop.

But crying honours our loved and lost ones. We should cry and cry hard. It doesn't bring them back but it is healthy. We cry with you, all of us. And offer you support too on this and every other day xXx

You are right, absolutely. It is just a weird defence mechanism I have. Don't let anyone see what's going on, keep a brave face on. Totally stupid I know. I do cry when I'm alone but never in front of anyone, well certainly not about Oliver.

It's ok to cry. It really is.

Would you like to talk about him today?

Although I'm sat here with a lump in my throat after reading all the lovely posts

Tell us about your lad, Everlong.

Of course you cope any way you can. We are all here for you......

I'm glad you do have times to talk about Oliver everlong - your family sound lovely.
Those words from Ben Jonson are so beautiful, they make me cry too x

The author Susan Hill had this poem and part of it as an inscription on the gravestone of her daughter Imogen who was born prematurely and died a few weeks afterwards.

Here is the whole poem in honour of Oliver -

"IT is not growing like a tree
In bulk, doth make man better be;
Or standing long an oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night;
It was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures, life may perfect be"

Everlong - sorry I missed your thread when you first posted it. I don't know how I did when I spend far too much time on MN?!

It's no wonder November is a hard month for you. Oliver should be here, he should be at his brothers drum final in Feb.

I can't believe it has been 4 years. Bereavement does weird things to time though doesn't it - in one way it feels like such a long time ago that you last saw them, hugged them, told them that you loved them and in other ways it feels like yesterday - the grief certainly does when you let yourself feel it.

Pretending you are OK, not letting anyone see what's really going on, all seems perfectly normal to me. It's probably not the best way to deal with it, but it's how many do.

I think what expat's friend said is spot on You're dodging along, then something happens, could be totally random, and you realise that underneath, nothing has changed

Crying with you - it's shit isn't it

Big Hugs my love - and for everyone else on here who is hurting.

Happy Birthday Oliver, sending love and thoughts to your lovely mum and family.
If you happen to see James wherever you are, raise a glass with him, it was his birthday yesterday.

Michelle x

I'm going to read all these gorgeous posts later on because I have to go out shopping and I have just put my mascara on and I don't want to look like Alice Cooper!

Thank you all so much for your support and love. It means so much.

Much love to you too, Michelle x

Glad to hear you're going out for a bit Everlong - hope your afternoon is as good as it can be x See you when you get back !

I just love that migionette it sums it all up quite beautifully.
His life was too short but he gave so much in his time. A son that anyone would have been proud of. He was beautiful. Dark hair and eyes with lovely olive skin. He was only quite small too. But it was his inside stuff that was more beautiful.

A clever boy who did everything before he should have. ( still never quite sure where his brains came from! ) very good at drawing and art too. He was capable, inspiring and strong. He was the most loving and caring out of all my dc. Always there for me. People liked him and his family and friends loved him. He was there for everyone else. If only we had know how much he needed us but we never knew until it was all too late.
I see so much of him in ds4. Not in looks but his ways, this is such a comfort to me. They both share their mothers temper!

You're right chipping it is difficult to tell if it's been a long time or not. I sometimes feel like this hasn't, can't have happened. How can I still be breathing, eating and even laughing when Oliver died?

I think like all of the brave mothers on here we just get on with it. There isn't much choice.

michelle I feel so so much for you. Our beautiful boys who had so much to live for, who were similar in age and even had their birthdays a day apart.. I wish they were still here. Always here for you xx

Thank you for letting me talk about him

Everlong, thank you so much for sharing these details about Oliver. He sounds amazing and gorgeous, beautiful on the inside as well as outside. No wonder you are so proud of him!!

It sounds like he and James will be having quite a party together, along with Matt and Gareth!!

Big hugs to a brave and wonderful mum, who is just as beautiful as her son. xx

Oh Ever....He sounds a 'delicious' little fellow if my description doesn't sound weird...I am not going to say anything other than not fair not fair not fair. Because I do not know if any of us can offer a 'reason' or justify as to why life is so viciously cruel.

But my goodness he would have known how much he was loved. He would, he would.

All my love and sympathies to you and everyone bereaved posting here today.

Everlong- that's how I imagined Oliver! You had said before that he's a gentle intelligent boy but your physical description, dark hair and eyes is just the picture I had in my mind. How strange is that?!

Happy birthday for today too Oliver. Hope your day has been as peaceful and positive as it can be everlong

' but my goodness he would have known he was loved ' That is what I hope more than anything. My worry. We did love him and always will, so much.

janey he had a look of Kelly Jones from stereophonics ( but without the bushy eyebrows ) just gorgeous.

About to light A's candle for Oliver. Hey, you, look after my girlie till I get there.

he will you know. He was so so lovely to his younger brothers. Loved chucking them around and playing daft with them.

Everlong - He sounds like a true gentleman, caring and wise.
I've not been able to login since this morning, but I have been thinking of you.
I was worried after I posted that by asking you about him may have been over whelming or caused you even more pain.
Thankyou for sharing a little about him, he is obviously cherished as a lovely lovely son x

Happy Birthday, lovely Oliver!
Please be a big brother to my little girl too xx

yani no please don't worry, it was lovely to talk about him

chip that's a beautiful thought, my Oliver looking after sweet little Sylvie-Rose. I love it. I hope all our children are together.

Thinking of you Everlong. Happy birthday for yesterday Oliver x

Hiya littlemachine lovely to see you xx

And you (although I see a lot of you in chat!) This thread came up in my actives the other day and I bookmarked it so I'd remember to post. Sorry it's taken me so long to add to it. Loved reading about Oliver upthread. He sounds fabulous.

Ah don't worry it's fine, just nice you remembered Oliver

Keep typing and deleting as there are never the right words are there?
Just love.

' just love ' is perfect