My Mum has just died!

(43 Posts)
GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:02:40

Nothing else to say really, just that.

Sparklingbrook Fri 02-Nov-12 20:03:27

Oh Ghoul. I am so sorry, Are you ok, are you on your own?

PoppadomPreach Fri 02-Nov-12 20:04:22

I am so sorry to hear that.

Was it a sudden death, or had she been ill for a while?

Either way, it is a very, very hard thing to cope with (speaking from experience). But you will cope.

missymoomoomee Fri 02-Nov-12 20:04:23

Ghoul I am so so sorry. Have you got someone with you?

beachyhead Fri 02-Nov-12 20:04:31

Oh I'm so sorry......It's such a horrid feeling, I know.

ISingSoprano Fri 02-Nov-12 20:05:11

I am really sorry - was this sudden? Do you have family or friends to support you?

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:06:34

Should have changed my name back before posting. My DH is here. We had just driven back after visiting her in hospital, then I had the call telling me. DH was out at the time, but he has now returned.

Had to ring her sister to tell her, which was horrible. Don't want to tell our sons until tomorrow. So sad. Now have no parents left.

Portofino Fri 02-Nov-12 20:06:48

So sorry to hear this. sad Like the others said...have you got someone to be with you?

Choufleur Fri 02-Nov-12 20:07:41

So sorry. My mum died recently - let anyone help who offers and you want around. Do whatever you feel is right for you and your family.

MikeLitoris Fri 02-Nov-12 20:07:57

sad

So sorry to hear this ghoul.

So sorry for you. Won't say I know how you feel because My mum died when I was 4... So I never really knew her to miss but 23 years on i still wish she was here... sad

Go easy on yourself xxx

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:08:41

She was in her eighties and was very fit and well up to about a year ago. Then she simply decided that she had had enough and stopped eating. She lost loads of weight since Christmas, got worse and worse and then refused any intervention when she was emitted to hospital. My siblings all rallied around and tried to help her, but she was adamant. Feel so upset that we were not enough to keep her happy and with us.

weegiemum Fri 02-Nov-12 20:09:43

So sorry to hear this xx

I'm so sorry.
If u want to chat to others who have been through the same, join is on the bereavement thread... I can't link - on my phone - but we have all lost our Mums. It's a very caring place where you'll be welcomed.

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:13:00

Thanks everyone, you are all very kind x

myflabberisgasted Fri 02-Nov-12 20:15:00

I'm so, so sorry ghoul.

My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time sad xx

morethanpotatoprints Fri 02-Nov-12 20:16:09

I'm so sorry for you. Please take time and do whats best for you. Please don't think you weren't enough for her.
My parents both died within 6 months of each other, I know how you feel.
Sending you virtual hugs sad

missymoomoomee Fri 02-Nov-12 20:16:26

Ghoul please don't think that you weren't enough to keep her happy, you will torture yourself thinking like that. sad

tschiffely Fri 02-Nov-12 20:16:35

thinking of you and yours, lighting a candle for your mum x

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 02-Nov-12 20:17:58

Ghoul - I am so very sorry. It must be really hard to accept that this was a choice she made sad I'm sure it's no reflection on how much she loved you, just that in her 80s she was a bit tired of life & possibly no longer enjoying a great quality of life. Do you get on well with your siblings? Big hugs x

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:18:38

It's so difficult to understand when she wasn't actually physically ill. DHs Mum battled for years in terrible pain and never gave up like this. I feel as if she didn't want me any more. Daft I know. I am in my fifties and should know better!

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:19:17

One good thing that has come out of all this is that my siblings have become much closer.

TidyDancer Fri 02-Nov-12 20:19:20

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

Thoughts with you. x

chimchar Fri 02-Nov-12 20:21:17

So sorry to hear about your mum.

I was able to take a lot of comfort from posters here when I lost my mum very suddenly. I hope you can do the same.

Thinking of you x

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:23:01

Thank you all, it is wonderful how total strangers can be so kind and helpful.

BCBG Fri 02-Nov-12 20:23:39

Ghoul I have been there too, its not that she didn't want you, it's more that she knew you didn't need her - and God knows I've talked to thin air and said 'you silly bat, of course I needed you, I will always need you', but I think sometimes people know when they have reached the end of what they want, and it is their choice, I suppose. It's not a reflection on their love for those who stay behind. In an odd way I admire you Mum for knowing what she wanted and I think you can probably take comfort one day from knowing that it must have been a conscious choice and therefore what she wanted. I am so sorry for your loss though, and go easy, because it is a very tough thing to process, whatever the circumstances. Hugs.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 02-Nov-12 20:24:22

Oh love - no matter how old we are, we are still like children when we lose a parent, it's devastating beyond what you can possibly imagine until you have been through it. Doubly hard when she wasn't ill & it was largely her choice - very very hard my love. I'm glad you are feeling close to your siblings, I hope it lasts x

Tuttutitlookslikerain Fri 02-Nov-12 20:25:49

I'm so sorry Ghoulsad

Wishing you love and strengthxxx

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:28:58

The irony is that I am very, very ill myself. Far more than she ever was! I will have to try to make sure that this doesn't affect my own illness too much as I react badly to stress. My own DSs and DH need me functioning. Thanks to you all again x

QOD Fri 02-Nov-12 20:30:17

I'm sorry x

Maryz Fri 02-Nov-12 20:31:20

I'm sorry for your loss sad.

You know, maybe for your mum this was the last bit of control she had? My mum is nearly 80 and has seen almost all of her friends die. She has clearly said to me that if she gets ill, or if my dad dies, she wants to just stop. She isn't afraid of dying, she is afraid of living too long.

And I know it is nothing to do with me or my siblings or my children, it's just that she has always been independent, she feels she has had a happy life and has no regrets, so doesn't want to prolong it too long.

Maybe your mum is the same - she has had a happy fulfilling life, she felt that she wanted to go on her terms. It's a testament to your family that she was happy enough to do that, that she had no regrets.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, be nice to yourself.

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 20:34:18

Yes, Maryz, that does make a lot of sense, thanks. Now I have to think how I am going to tell elder DS, who has ASD. He adored his Gran. How do we avoid a meltdown?

Maryz Fri 02-Nov-12 20:41:51

You don't avoid it, you can't.

He will probably have a meltdown, but if he is anything like my ds1, he may get his around it reasonably ok. I remember when my aunt died, my mum was crying. ds1 was about 9 at the time, and was very upset. The funeral was the following day, and mum was crying again - ds said to her "why are you crying", to which she said "Well, you know Auntie X died" and he said "But you knew that yesterday, why are you still upset?" It was a bit of an eye-opener as to how he thought.

So while it will be devastating for your son, hopefully he may well (once he has rearranged his reality) be ok.

It will be very, very hard on you though, trying to be strong for him sad.

I lost my Mum 2 years ago, I was 24 she was about to be 50, the overwhelming feeling I had apart from sadness was anger that she'd gone and left me and my sisters, it does get easier. I still miss her with a physical pain in my chest/stomach and I'm forever cursing her for not being here when I need her. I feel childlike and like stamping my feet at times because damn it, she was my Mum, she was meant to look after me, but she did, she raised me to be who I am, to be close to my siblings and to be the woman/mother/partner/sister/aunt and friend I am and that was her bit done, she was tired and couldn't win the final fight she had, she didn't have to have the operation but she chose to because had it been a success she would have improved her life a million percent, but it wasn't to be and I understand that.

Look after yourself, take comfort in your siblings and the memories you hold of you Mum, laugh and smile and cry and get angry, keep her close and take time.

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Fri 02-Nov-12 21:30:26

Titsalinabumsquash, I'm sorry you didn't have your Mum for a longer time. I can at least be happy that I had mine for 55 years. I know I have been very fortunate with that.

Maryz, I think you are right. We won't be able to avoid a meltdown. But I expect to be stunned at some point in the next few weeks at some comment from his autistic side. To other people it will probably sound callous, but we will smile at each other about it. He loves his family, but relates them to himself. He will find it hard to really understand how I feel about losing my Mum.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to post.

t875 Fri 02-Nov-12 23:10:51

Ghoul {{{{}}}} so very sorry to hear about your loss of your mum. I know what you are going through, i lost my mum 6 months ago suddenly to a massive stroke, was very hard and still is at times. We have a thread here anyone lost a parent, or something like that im sorry i cant remember and cant check. Such a supportive group and lovely kind understanding ladies as all are on this bereavement thread. On the group we are all at different stages.

Take care and do whats best for you and your family, once again so very sorry.
Thinking of you xx

SanctuaryMoon Fri 02-Nov-12 23:21:29

I'm so sorry, I feel sad for you and your family, and for your Mum. She may have felt some sense of comfort from being able to control things in some small way. I don't know. I feel for you.

missymoomoomee Sat 03-Nov-12 12:19:59

How are you today Ghoul did you get much sleep xx

GhoulwiththeFrothyCurl Sat 03-Nov-12 16:54:03

Yes, thanks. I actually slept quite well. Probably as I am no longer stressed out with worrying about her! Or because I feel a bit numb. Told younger DS today - had to ring him as he is away from home. He took it fine and was more concerned about how I am feeling. Will tell older DS tomorrow, when he has had a good night tonight.

Again, many thanks to all who have posted.

missymoomoomee Sat 03-Nov-12 20:38:31

I'm glad you had a good sleep and managed to tell your DS, I hope all goes well when you tell your other DS tomorrow.

missymoomoomee Sat 03-Nov-12 20:39:20

Sorry I shouldn't have said well, I didn't mean to sound insensitive, I mean as well as it can go sad xx

It's OK, I know what you mean smile He is home now, but I don't want to tell him tonight. Will wait until tomorrow morning.

So sorry, thinking of you. I have lost my mum too, it's awful.

Massive hugs to you x

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