When love just isn't enough- Saying goodbye to Beatrice.

(1000 Posts)

Well, here I am, back on the Bereavement boards, just 13 months after we given the news at birth that Beatrice Primrose was very poorly and would pass away soon. So I say 'only' 13 months, but my God we squeezed a lifetime into that time.

Beatrice passed away at 10.20am today- she was 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day old.

She eventually died of respiratory failure, as we always knew she would. She'd been suffering for about 2 weeks with pneumonia and it all came to a head last night. She was on 10 litres oxygen but thrashing around in pain. She even cried out, which was very unusual. She was given morphine, and an hour later her respiratory effort decreased. We were moved into a side room and dh was called. He arrived with Bea's sisters, and I inadvertently called my mum's mobile by mistake too, so she turned up as well. The girls said goodbye, then went to sleep whilst the adults all watched and waited as Beatrice's breathing became more sporadic and laboured.

However, before too long, in true Bea style, her sats rose enough to begin registering again and I realised her respiratory effort was increasing. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief and at 7am dh woke the girls to take them home for school, my mum left and Beatrice and I moved back into HDU with Beatrice on 15 litres o2 and her sats hovering around 80%. I closed my eyes and slept until 8.30. On waking, I noticed Beatrice was the same, but I was overcome with an urge to cuddle her. So, I lifted her out of the cot and cuddled her to me. As I did so, her sats went into free-fall.

I watched the monitor as her numbers decreased and called the nurse over. She looked worried as Beatrice didn't respond to suction. A male nurse came in and began to resuscitate Beatrice with a bag and mask as 2 doctors appeared and helped with a jaw lift. It was at this point that I was advised to call dh to come back to the hospital, which I did. We moved back into the side room and the team continued to bag Beatrice until dh arrived. At this point, we chose for resuscitation to be withdrawn and to just give Beatrice the 15 litres of o2 through a mask and allow her to slip away.

Her heartbeat was still strong, but her breathing effort was laboured. We removed all Bea's monitoring tabs and sats probe and gave her a lovely warm wash. We dressed her in a brand new babygrow and I put her hair up in a little top side knot. At this point a nurse came in to check her breathing and dh and I cried and cried and cried. Just as the gaps in her breathing were getting wider, Bea's lovely CCN who has supported her and us since week 1 came into the room. I know I was howling at this point and gripping Beatrice to me like the precious bundle she was. Finally, dh kissed her head, and Beatrice squeezed my finger in response. At this point, she made two gurgling noises, and she was gone.

I can't really explain that pain. I guess my chest was physically aching. But a weird twist of anxiety that had formed in the pit of my stomach over the previous weeks suddenly disappeared.

Then it was all go really. Phone calls made, mum and PIL came in and broke their hearts. Dh collected girls from school as the nurse checked Beatrice for 'leakages'. We made the decision to drive Beatrice to the hospice in our car so for this we needed a special letter and had to inform the police- who knew it is illegal to drive with a dead body in your car? The nurses took finger and foot prints, and we chose a curly lock of hair to cut off and keep, and the hospital gave us a lovely wooden box to keep her momentos in.

Then the girls arrived, and we took them into a side room to break the news. I did the talking, blabbermouth, and just reminded them of what I told them a year ago- Beatrice had become too poorly. The doctors tried to help her but they couldn't, so she had to go to heaven. I reminded them that she was very poorly, and normally healthy children like them don't just go to heaven so they didn't need to be scared for themselves. Then we sang This Little Light of Mine because there's a verse we always sang to Beatrice- "If you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, tell those angels, I'm coming toosy toosy, children of the Lord". So we decided that Beatrice has gone to meet the angels, but warned them we're coming too one day! Then dd2 cried, but dd1 remained stoic.

We went back then to be with Beatrice and had our photos taken together. Then a couple of nurses came to say goodbye and we had to put Beatrice in her car seat (the law even when dead, again, who knew?)

We drove to the hospice and I held Beatrice's hand the whole way, although she was getting colder and colder. On arriving at the hospice, I was delighted to see the allocated carer was the first to book Beatrice in on her first stay back in February. We carried her to the Little Room, a chilled room where Beatrice can stay for 7 days. I tucked her up in a Moses basket with a blanket then we went out for a cup of tea and to begin the next chapter in our lives.

We were so pleased to find a family we became friends with from Lourdes are staying here, so we had cuddles and shared Bea stories while the girls cheerfully played with a helper.

After tea, I put the girls to bed and returned to the Little Room. I wrapped myself in a duvet and gave Beatrice a beautiful, long cuddle. She is so cold now and pale. BUT, her hair smells the same! It still smells like Beatrice, so I buried my face in in her curls, drank in the gorgeous scent and howled until my throat hurt. I rocked her and sang all her lullabies, then placed her back in the moses basket and said goodnight.

We asked for her feeding tube to be removed, and when dh went back over to see her, he confirmed they'd done this and took some beautiful pictures. My God, my girl is so adorable. So completely beautiful and at peace. She looks like a sleeping doll.

I'm in bed now. I've not slept properly for 48 hours, but I'm not even tired. I had a lump in my throat and I'm dreading tomorrow, I guess that's when the real hell starts.

I love you Beatrice, good night sweetheart.

Flossiechops Wed 24-Oct-12 21:10:44

So utterly utterly sorry. Beas life has touched so many, may she rest in eternal peace x

peasabovesticks Wed 24-Oct-12 21:12:57

So so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a look at your photos of Beatrice on your profile page and her character shone through. I loved the pictures of her looking at lights x

Sirzy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:13:09

Oh no, I am so sorry to do that. My thoughts are with you all xx

AlistairSim Wed 24-Oct-12 21:14:01

I am so, so sorry.

Will be thinking of your Beatrice.

xxx.

lisalisa Wed 24-Oct-12 21:14:24

Oh my goodness cupoftea - I had no idea and neither had I read any of yoru threads but I am sitting here in floods of tears. i am so very very sorry that you have had to go through this and I wish I could reach up and remove some of your pain or share it for you. Or turn the clock back and make things different. i am so very very sorry again - this is absolutely tragic . My love and peace to you my poor darling xxx

janey68 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:15:15

You must be feeling such painful grief, but what you write is also very beautiful and full of love and care. It's so clear that you did indeed pack a lifetime of love and cuddles into Beatrice's short life, and I'm sure she felt safe and loved right through. Beatrice Primrose is a beautiful name btw, and I have a picture in my head of a dear little girl with her hair in a top knot now. Cuddle Beatrice's sisters close; you're in my thoughts l.

saffronwblue Wed 24-Oct-12 21:15:33

Oh cup. I am in tears here for your beautiful baby girl and for the beauty and pain of the love your family share. I have followed Bea's journey from the beginning and have prayed for her many times ( and I don't pray normally). I am so so sorry for your loss and am so honoured to have been a cyber member of Team Bea.
Thank you for sharing Bea's precious days with the Mumsnet world. I hope you can get some sleep now to help you travel through the next hard hours, days, weeks, months and years. xx

seb1 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:15:59

Thinking of you all.

Emski76 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:16:04

Oh I'm so sorry, what sad news, I remember reading Beatrice's story last year and she and your family won my heart then. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers x

Chubfuddler Wed 24-Oct-12 21:16:33

Cupoftea I am more sorry than words can say. What a lucky little girl she was to have you.

orangefan Wed 24-Oct-12 21:16:44

I am so sorry for your loss. May Beatrice rest in peace.

JustFabulous Wed 24-Oct-12 21:18:00

Your title is so heartbreakingly sad but says everything about how much you loved her that I was in tears before I even started to read your post.

I am in awe of you. You are just the most amazingly strong, kind, caring mother and as I said on the other thread I really feel that you being her Mummy gave Beatrice the length of life she had.

So so sorry.

x

LittleTyga Wed 24-Oct-12 21:18:01

So sorry x

rocketupbum Wed 24-Oct-12 21:19:09

I am so sorry for your loss cup and hope that you and your family have support and love to help you in the coming weeks and months. Thinking of you all tonight.

ImpatientOne Wed 24-Oct-12 21:19:13

So sorry, may your little girl rest in peace xxx

sassytheFIRST Wed 24-Oct-12 21:19:41

This is heartbreaking to read, cup. That little girl was - and always will be - do precious and so loved. Xx

Annunziata Wed 24-Oct-12 21:19:48

So, very, very sorry. Praying for you tonight xxx

BigBroomstickBIWI Wed 24-Oct-12 21:20:15

Sending you and your family all the love in the world. xxx

sleepyhead Wed 24-Oct-12 21:20:17

I am so sorry. The Lord bless you and keep you x

BrigitBigKnickers Wed 24-Oct-12 21:20:23

What a brave post cup- thankyou for sharing your last precious moments with your darling girl. My heart is breaking for you- I hope you can get some rest. X

winkle2 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:27

So sad to hear this. I remember Beatrice's story from last year. Such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl with those beautiful eyes.
Xxxx

SirBoobAlot Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:32

Cupoftea am sobbing for you. So so sorry for your loss. Your girl has been an amazing inspiration, as have you and your whole family. Am sending you so much love. x

Ponders Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:41

oh, cup - huge lump in throat here - you will miss her little self so much

your family has had such a blessed year (& 1 month)

but what peace for her now

xxx

McPhee Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:55

Oh my goodness, I've been away for a week and I'm sat breaking my heart for you. You very very strong mummy. I salute you.

So much love and kindness coming to you from my home tonight. What a precious daughter.

XXXX

TwinkleReturns Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:59

I'm so so sorry. Sat here in floods of tears and said a little prayer for your beautiful little girl. Sending you strength to face the coming days. May she rest in peace. xxx

cynister Wed 24-Oct-12 21:22:04

Thinking of you and your beautiful child..xx

(( cup ))

No words will match yours.
I am holding you in my thoughts and hope your family will be able to hold each other and give each other strength.

Rest in peace, Beatrice Primrose, you little star x

You are an incredible woman. You should be immensely proud of the love and joy you have brought into that lovely little girls short life.

May you and your family find peace and strength to get through the hard times to come.

Goodnight beautiful Bea.

Rest in peace.

swooosh Wed 24-Oct-12 21:23:19

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, cup and family xxxx

SqueakdeSqueak Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:00

Hi cupoftea, im a long time lurker, but your experience has compelled me to delurk temporarily, i can't imagine how you are feeling or even how you are managing to carry on, im absolutely howling with tears at your story and just want to cuddle you. im so sorry that anyone has to ever go through this, its just wrong on so many levels. Good night Beatrice sleep well x

greenandcabbagelooking Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:13

I'm so very sorry Cup. I'm in tears reading as well.

Sleep easy, little Bea.

Trazzletoes Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:19

Oh cup xxx

bluebump Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:26

I'm so sorry to be reading this. Much love to you and your family. Xx

crappypatty Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:27

So sorry for your loss, RIP Beatrice xxx

Jakadaal Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:04

I have been a long time lurker on SN boards and have been following your posts. I was just looking at the photos of beautiful Beatrice this morning when I saw your dreadfully sad note pop up. Am so sorry and thank you for sharing Beatrice's life with us. Your OP on here is so poignant - sleep tight little one and to all the teaset xx

janey68 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:05

I've just looked at your profile photos- your little girls are absolutely beautiful and joy shines out from the pictures

Hulababy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:18

What a beautiful heart felt post, full of love for your adorable little girl.

I have read your threads from the start, not always posting, but always thinking of you all. I hope Beatrice is now safe and painfree, looked after until you can be with her once more.

You, your DH and your girls are in my thoughts x

fluffypillow Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:37

I'm so sorry. I can't see for tears. Thinking of you and your beautiful little girl xxx

phantomhairpuller Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:42

What beautiful words for your beautiful girl. I am so so sorry for your loss

So very sorry Cupoftea. The love your family has shines through in both your post and beautiful photos. Thinking of you all.

Sunflowergirl2011 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:26:33

I'm so sorry. Words feel so, insignificant but your beautiful girl knew she was loved every second of her short, precious life. Sleep well little one.

Bicnod Wed 24-Oct-12 21:26:41

Thinking of you, your beautiful girl and the rest of your family xx

BitOutOfPractice Wed 24-Oct-12 21:26:55

Oh goodness your posthas broken my heart so I cannot even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I am so sorry for your terrible loss, I truly am xxx

I am so sorry about your loss, reading your words had me in tears.

I can't imagine the tragedy you are going through, but I am thinking of you, your dh and your beautiful girls.

Sending you lots of hugs.
x

coppertop Wed 24-Oct-12 21:27:39

Thinking of you and your family.x

NellyBluth Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:01

I'm so sorry for you loss, there are no words to help you and your family but sending you so much love xx

Lizzylou Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:23

So very sorry, your love for your beautiful Beatrice with those amazing eyes shines through in every word of your op, Cup.
Wishing peace and love to you and your family.

So sorry.

Have only lurked before but what an inspiration little Bea is. Sweet dreams little one and hush to you cup and your family x

Almostfifty Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:40

Cup I have sat this afternoon and read through all your threads. Throughout I've seen the love you have for Bea and your family and your determination to look after Bea to the best of your ability and you have done that so, so well.

I am so sorry for your loss. Try to get some rest and let the Hospice help you as they know only too well what you're going through.

ReeBee Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:44

I couldn't read your beautiful tribute and not post. I am so sorry for your loss xx

thixotropic Wed 24-Oct-12 21:28:52

So, so sorry

Beautiful Bea

X

I am so sorry for your loss, like many others I've read a lot of your updates and have been thinking of you regularly.

May peace be with you and your family at this difficult time

marshmallowpies Wed 24-Oct-12 21:29:51

Another lurker. So very, very sorry.
Rest easy, cariad.

usualsuspect3 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:29:51

So sorry ,my heart goes out to you and your family , N'night Beatrice x

TallyBear Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:31

Cup I'm so sorry. Thinking of and praying for you and Bea and your family.

<<hugs>>

xx

RubberNeckNibbler Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:34

Thank you for sharing those precious moments with Beatrice. She has been an absolute inspiration, I'm so sorry she couldn't stay longer. Thinking of you all.

Sleep well precious girl x

blizy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:56

Cuppftea, I am so, so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I followed your story about Beatrice last year and your precious girl touched my heart and many others, I'm sure. I have a candle lit for little Bea. Sleep tight little angel. X

NellyBluth Wed 24-Oct-12 21:31:22

I've just looked at your photos, Bea was so adorable, such beautiful eyes and what a smile!

DazR Wed 24-Oct-12 21:32:31

Love and prayers to you and your family at this incredibly sad time.

Just as you have found strength from this forum's support - we, who have been privileged to follow your story, have been humbled; by both your beautiful precious daughter Bea and you and the amazing cup family.

God Bless x

drummerswife Wed 24-Oct-12 21:32:38

rest in peace beatrice
thinking of you and your family x

RandallPinkFloyd Wed 24-Oct-12 21:33:16

You write about Beatrice so beautifully.
I simply can't imagine your pain.

Rest peacefully darling girl x

PedallingSquares Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:31

I quietly watched your all your threads since Beatrice was born last year.

I am amazed by how much you all packed in to Bea's brief and precious time here.

Thank you for letting us share your journey. You and Bea have been an inspiration to so many.

Thinking of you all. Sleep well Beatrice x

LostInWales Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:43

I posted a few times on your threads over the last year but today I have been thinking about you all so much. So sorry for your heartbreak. You gave that beautiful, beautiful girl every single opportunity in her life and loved and protected her above and beyond what some of us would have been capable. She had the best mother and family in the world and I'm sure that brought her joy. I hope you can draw strength from the fact that you gave her so much more life than any doctor would have predicted. Sending love and hugs to help you through the next days. I wish I could find words to help x

pepperrabbit Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:46

I am so so sorry.
x

missmapp Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:48

I am so sorry for your loss, she was a truly beautiful little girl.

God bless xx

bamboostalks Wed 24-Oct-12 21:34:57

Remember that penetrating peace of Lourdes; Beatrice now has that with Our Holy Mother who loves her so very much.

EnjoyVampirebloodResponsibly Wed 24-Oct-12 21:35:36

I've lurked on your posts and hoped for your little girl.

I am so very sad for you.

I hope now that you find peace at this terrible time.

Your OP overflows with the love that filled Bea's life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

DisappointedHorse Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:02

That's heartbreaking.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Big love to you all.

MrsKwaHaHaHaAzii Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:28

Love shines out from your every post Cup. I am so very sorry that this day has come. May perpetual light shine upon your wonderful Beatrice and her love continue to shine in the hearts of everyone who knew her. So sorry for you all xx

MrsCantSayAnything Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:50

She was a beautiful, beautiful little fairy and your descriptions of her make her so "there"....I can't find the words but I, like so many others am so sorry that you can't share more time with Beatrice Primrose.

I know that she's in that very special place where babies go to when they cant stay here. She's sleeping in peace now and I hope tomorrow is bearable as it can be. xxxx

Oh cup I have no words. I'm just so so sorry. Wishing you strength for the coming days my love.

Darling Bea - you have touched and inspired so many. Sleep peacefully now sweetheart xxxx

Cup reading that made me weep and weep - it was the most heart breaking thing I have ever read. Again, I am so sorry for all the pain you and your teaset are enduring and for the life Bea never got to live.

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 24-Oct-12 21:37:32

Oh cupofteaplease, what a sad, sad post to read - but so bursting with love.

Sending big hugs from all at MNHQ

Nobody but nobody could have given Beautiful Beatrice Primrose a more amazing warm wonderful life than the teaset.

I am so sorry that Bea has gone, it was always always going to be too soon, watched and written on your posts from the beginning I have been bowled over by the love that Bea was given.

Sleep well littlest teacup, you will never be forgotten. Thinking of your mummy and daddy and your two big sisters who will all be changed forever for having known you x

Hassled Wed 24-Oct-12 21:38:27

I'm just so sorry. You've been so amazingly strong and articulate and loving over the past year - I've been in awe. You've been the best mother Beatrice could ever have hoped for, of that I'm completely sure. Much love to you all.

AllOverIt Wed 24-Oct-12 21:38:48

So so sorry for your loss. Sat here with tears streaming down my face. Thinking of you all sad

I've read and lurked and read and lurked your threads over the last year. But today I've been moved to post for the first time as I'm so devastated at your news. I've had my fingers crossed that your amazing little girl would be able to stay with you and I'm so sad that she couldn't.

She had a wonderful life, surrounded by love. You all did your absolute best for her and have been a wonderful inspiration to us all.

Thank you for sharing Bea with us - she was an amazing gift. Love to you all.

NosFarlotu Wed 24-Oct-12 21:39:23

I am so very sorry that Beatrice has passed. Thinking of you and your family.

OTheEldritchManateesOfMadness Wed 24-Oct-12 21:40:24

So sorry for your loss sad

TigerFeet Wed 24-Oct-12 21:40:39

Oh cupofteaplease I'm so very sorry to hear your news sad

You write so beautifully, I doubt anyone could fail to be moved by your words.

Rest in peace Beatrice x

Cupoftea, I am so so sorry. RIP Beatrice. xxx

JudeFawley Wed 24-Oct-12 21:41:56

I have cried my eyes out reading your beautiful post.

I have felt so sad for you today.

Wishing you and your family strength for the time ahead - in my prayers tonight.

OwedToAutumn Wed 24-Oct-12 21:42:01

So sad.

Goodbye little Bea.

frumperina Wed 24-Oct-12 21:42:11

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Rest in peace little Bea. xxx

MirandaWest Wed 24-Oct-12 21:43:19

I'm another one here in tears reading your beautiful words about beautiful Beatrice. Your love for her has always shone through everything you've written about her.

You and all the teaser are in my thoughts and prayers xx

I'm so sorry to read this. Thinking of you all x

Your post has emotion pouring from every word. I don't know where you found the strength to write this today. I am so very sorry you only had Beatrice in your lives for such a short time. It's clear from all your posts just how much love and joy she brought to you all and you to her.

I am thinking of you all and sending much love.

Sleep soundly sweet little angel xxx

sad

youarewinning Wed 24-Oct-12 21:44:43

Oh cup that was a beautiful and moving post. Your love for Beatrice shines through.

Your families love carried her through 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day whilst she touch the heart of 1 whole world of MNers.

RIP Beatrice Primrose x

QueenOfIndecision Wed 24-Oct-12 21:45:55

Beatrice has been an inspiration to many, and you too cup. thanks for coming on and posting when it must be so hard. i love the way beatrice proved them all wrong at the beginning and what a super little girl she looks in the photos - how proud you must be of her. i know things will be really tough for you for the next weeks, months and years with a beatrice shaped gap in you life. make sure you get loads of support and take it easy on yourself.
you have done all the right things for beatrice, even when you must have been exhausted yourself and trying to meet the needs of your other two lovely girls too. i know their lives must be so much more special for knowing and loving their very special little sister. love to you all x

BetsyBlingtastic Wed 24-Oct-12 21:46:21

So sad for you all.

Beatrice was so very deeply loved. I guess it's that depth of love which causes so much anguish and pain now she is gone. I believe you will see Bea again, in Heaven, you'll all be reunited and what limited her physically on earth will be gone.

Praying for comfort and peace for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your beautiful little girl with us. We loved her too. x

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 24-Oct-12 21:47:07

I'm so so sorry you've lost your precious girl

Can I just say how beautifully you write about Beatrice and your family, it brings tears to my eyes but it also warms my heart, your love and adoration shines out of every post you make

Chopchopbusybusy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:47:18

I am very sorry for your loss. I have looked at your photos of Bea and it is clear she was a dearly loved little girl. xx

Such a sad sad post.
I am so sorry for your loss.x

bobkate Wed 24-Oct-12 21:47:54

So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family xx

KateShmate Wed 24-Oct-12 21:48:00

I'm so, so sorry.
I have seen pictures of your beautiful Beatrice, and just from those pictures I can tell that she was loved so so much, and that she brought such joy to all your lives. Little Beatrice will never be forgotten.

Will be thinking of you and your family x

Faverolles Wed 24-Oct-12 21:48:25

Such a beautiful post about gorgeous Bea.
I'm so, so sorry for you all xx

peedoffbird Wed 24-Oct-12 21:48:42

Cupoftea and family so so sorry for your dreadful loss. Don't know what to say but only to wish you any tiny bit of peace over the coming weeks. Your post was beautiful and had me in tears. God bless x

HondaJizz Wed 24-Oct-12 21:50:14

I have followed your story from the beginning...what a wonderful family you are. Much love to you all. Beatrice, you are surrounded by love x

RunnyBum Wed 24-Oct-12 21:50:40

My heart aches for your family, god bless you all and your little angel x

IvanaDvinkYourBlad Wed 24-Oct-12 21:50:45

Oh god. No words. Just So so sorry. Xxx

LemonBreeland Wed 24-Oct-12 21:50:51

So so sad to hear your news. I've not seen all of Beatrices story, but remember the very beginning of it.

I can't imagine the sadness in your lives. My thoughts are very much with all of you. xx

duchesse Wed 24-Oct-12 21:53:06

xxxx cup

MrsApplepants Wed 24-Oct-12 21:53:22

Sending love to you and your lovely family. Sleep sweetly beautiful Beatrice. Xxx

I just wanted her to stay. I'm proud she made 13 months, but she was such a wonderful character that even 13 years would have felt like we'd been short-changed. I can't quite believe she's gone.

She trusted me so much. Whenever she heard my voice she searched me out, and whenever I talked to her she stared at me so earnestly. I must have kissed that little mouth, those chubby cheeks, that soft hair a hundred times a day. I know she's not there, but I feel sick with myself for abandoning her body in the Little Room. My arms ache to cuddle her again and have her look into my eyes. I'd tell her one last time how proud I am, and how much I adore every inch of her.

Right now I want to sleep and never wake up. What's the point anymore? My baby is dead.

FoxyRevenger Wed 24-Oct-12 21:54:33

Cup I am so so sorry that little Bea couldn't stay with you. What a lucky girl to have a mum like you to make her life so sweet.

ssd Wed 24-Oct-12 21:54:36

I'm so very sorry xx

bumpybecky Wed 24-Oct-12 21:55:38

I am so very, very sorry. Beatrice was beautiful and your love for her shines through in your posts.

I will thinking of you and your family over the coming days and weeks xx

Ponders Wed 24-Oct-12 21:57:20

oh, cup sad

slightlycrumpled Wed 24-Oct-12 21:57:52

Oh cup, what to say..... I am thinking of you, your DH, your older two & of course Beatrice. Xxx

Chubfuddler Wed 24-Oct-12 21:57:59

Oh cup. My heart aches for you. I've deleted a dozen posts because they all sound so trite.

mignonette Wed 24-Oct-12 21:58:04

Cupoftea

My love to you and to Baby Bea's father. xx

MrsKwaHaHaHaAzii Wed 24-Oct-12 21:58:26

Oh Cup, for now, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. It is going to be hard, and the absence of Bea will be heartbreaking and incredibly painful, but your love for all three of your girls will help you to keep going. Just one step at a time. xxx

toomanyeasterbunnies Wed 24-Oct-12 21:58:29

I couldn't read your poignant, beautiful, tragic post and not respond. I'm so very, very sorry.

BetsyBlingtastic Wed 24-Oct-12 21:58:32

Lovely, you're overwhelmed with grief right now. You need sleep and rest and time to come to terms with this. (((hugs)))

Cwm Wed 24-Oct-12 22:00:13

I'm so sorry Cup...thinking of you all.

GreyTS Wed 24-Oct-12 22:00:26

So, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Bea, your love for your baby girl is heartbreakingly obvious. Rest in peace lovely girl

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay Wed 24-Oct-12 22:02:19

I don't know what to say. Except I shall be praying for all the Teaset. Beatrice's short life was filled with so much love. x

Four4me Wed 24-Oct-12 22:02:45

(((((((cup))))))) I am so so sorry, so sad for you my love. Xxx

PandaG Wed 24-Oct-12 22:02:49

so sorry. Praying for you, and all your family.

DebbieTitsMcGee Wed 24-Oct-12 22:03:44

What a gorgeous little person, and you write about her so beautifully. Love and strength to you and your family x

cupoftea MrMia and I have just read your beautiful story about Beatrice, and we both have tears rolling down our cheeks. We wish we could take away your pain, and wish that somehow, the losses that others like us have already experienced could protect you from this. Sending you so much love and light.

I am hoping that Mia and Beatrice are playing together somewhere...

So sorry Cup. You have all been so brave. The world is a sadder place without Bea xx

PseudoBadger Wed 24-Oct-12 22:07:27

I've been with you from the start, although you won't know it. I'm so very sorry xxx

eragon Wed 24-Oct-12 22:08:13

I am sorry for your loss. my sister lost her 6yr old to similar chest problem in august. she had medical complications as well, and we had nearly lost her many times to that condition. to loose her suddenly out of the blue to some thing else has hit her (and us) hard.

thinking of you and your family.

KnottyLocks Wed 24-Oct-12 22:09:07

One foot in front of the other and breathe, my darling.

You know where I am.

My hand is here to hold.

Your beautiful girl brightened a world of strangers who fell in love with her. And you all.

Thinking of Bea, all your beautiful girls and DH. She couldn't have been more loved.

xxxx

Shakey1500 Wed 24-Oct-12 22:09:39

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post was indeed, the most heartfelt. Sending love and strength to you and your family at this sad time xx

I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know you or your beautiful little girl, but my heart is broken for you. Please know that I am thinking of you.

May your memories bring you comfort in time.

Dear cupoftea your post was so moving and i have tears streaming down my face. God bless you and your little angel beatrice xxx

pearlgirl Wed 24-Oct-12 22:11:39

So so sorry. Thinking of you and all your family. Your love and joy in Bea and her sisters have shone through all your posts and these will help carry you in the days to come. Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time you need. xx

corblimeymadam Wed 24-Oct-12 22:12:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittingZombie Wed 24-Oct-12 22:12:46

So so sorry for your loss. I am in floods of tears reading your beautiful post.

chocolateistheenemy Wed 24-Oct-12 22:14:25

Your beautiful, precious, gorgeous daughter knew how loved, cherished, adored and wanted she was. I am sure she had more kisses in 13 months than some children have in 13 years. I am so desperately sorry for your loss. Xxxx

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Wed 24-Oct-12 22:15:32

This is a beautiful thread Cup - as all your threads have been. It sounds like you've had good support today and you've done a great job with your older girls. They will always remember today and they'll remember it as a day they saw their parents be so very, very brave and loving.
I hope you can get some sleep. I don't expect you feel like eating but keep going with the cups of tea.
Thinking of you tonight.

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Wed 24-Oct-12 22:15:54

I am in floods at your post. So sorry to hear this news. Thinking of you all.

ErikNorseman Wed 24-Oct-12 22:17:22

Oh Darling I'm so so so very sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

amillionyears Wed 24-Oct-12 22:18:09

sad. Very sad for you all. x

Pancakeflipper Wed 24-Oct-12 22:18:37

I cannot stop crying over your post.
I have read all about Bea and never posted. Daftly, I am really proud of Bea and her family.
13 months and a huge amount of life lived.
Take care of yourselves.

cogitosum Wed 24-Oct-12 22:19:08

I'm really sorry for your loss xxx

RubyrooUK Wed 24-Oct-12 22:19:28

So sorry for your loss, Cupoftea. You have told Bea's story so beautifully and I'm just so sorry this happened. Of course her story will never end for all the people who love her and will always know her. X

eightytwenty Wed 24-Oct-12 22:19:32

Cup. What a beautiful goodbye. If love was enough, you'd have saved her a million times over. Though there have been times you've doubted yourself, no-one else has doubted your ability to love, and show love for your three little teacups. I am in floods of tears for Bea once again. Like so many here, I feel to have got to know you and the tea set over the last year.

From personal experience I know the coming days will be filled with decisions and organisation. Do you have enough RL support to cope with that? I am sure the house move must be the very last thing on your mind. Can someone speak to the solicitors to postpone? Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Are the girls and your DH with you at the Hospice? I so hope you get some sleep. And remember there are Drs to help with that if you need it.

Goodnight Cup. Goodnight Bea. We are still with you.
x

Catrin Wed 24-Oct-12 22:19:45

Having followed your story for 13 months, your beautiful Bea will have known how much you adored her by every kiss, cuddle and action.
You were so very strong and so very loving. I cannot imagine how it hurts today, but you must know how much she felt your love each and every day of her little life.
How lucky you were to have found each other. I wish you all strength in the days, weeks and forever to come.

RatherBeOnThePiste Wed 24-Oct-12 22:20:45

Your love for her shines and through all your posts about the amazing and beautiful Bea, I lost part of my heart to her. I can not tell you how sorry I am.

I am with you in spirit now, and you know where I am if I can do anything for you. I am here Xx

sarlat Wed 24-Oct-12 22:21:14

I am usually on the ttc boards (and having some difficult hard times of my own) but some how I stumbled accross this thread this evening. Sweetheart, I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter was an angel on earth but now she has wings and is an angel safe in heaven. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. This is so terribley sad for you and your family. But how wonderful that Beatrice was born to you and spent time with you to add her special bit of magic to the world. Sending you hugs, prayers and comfort. God Bless Beatrice. x

TweetPetite Wed 24-Oct-12 22:21:40

Lost for words. What incredible love. Prayers are with you all. Xxxxx

JudeFawley Wed 24-Oct-12 22:22:02

My husband read your post and has cried too.

I hope the fact that so many (strangers) are thinking of you gives you a scrap of comfort in the time ahead.

Somersaults Wed 24-Oct-12 22:25:21

It's hard to put into words everything I feel for you. I am so sorry that she is gone. You are all very much in my thoughts and prayers.

badgerparade Wed 24-Oct-12 22:26:40

So very sorry -followed your posts on the SN board. Thinking of you and your family at this awful time.

nametakenagain Wed 24-Oct-12 22:28:17

Cup, I'm in buckets, I'm so sorry you have lost your baby. It doesn't feel right that such a tragedy should happen and that you all have to suffer this. My heart goes out to you and the other families going though this loss.

Flojo1979 Wed 24-Oct-12 22:29:05

I've been thinking of you and your amazing daughter all day. I cannot put in to words how sorry I am for your loss xx

IwishIwasmoreorganised Wed 24-Oct-12 22:29:07

So, so sorry to read this Cup.

Your story has been so amazing. Bea haas touched the lives of so many that she never met. You and your family have loved her and held her so dearly in your hearts and in your arms and she has known that every day of her short life.

Take things slowly, and ask for as much help as you can.

Much love to all the teacups.

Xxx

BellaVita Wed 24-Oct-12 22:29:58

Oh cupoftea sad

I am so so sorry. I keep mopping up my tears but they keep on coming after reading your post.

Sending you and your family much love and strength xxxx

lljkk Wed 24-Oct-12 22:30:22

Thank you for being brave enough to share Beatrice's brief life with us. smile

RinderThrillerNight Wed 24-Oct-12 22:31:01

Cup, I am heartbroken for you, and for your whole family. I am so, so utterly sorry for the loss of beautiful Beatrice. You love for her and your pain at losing her is tangible in every word you write.

Love and strength to you, your DH and your DDs.

Beatrice Primrose, rest in peace beautiful angel xxx

JumpingJetFlash Wed 24-Oct-12 22:31:41

I've not posted before but lurked on your threads - throughout them all your love and care for Bea just absolutely shone through. I am so sorry for your familys loss - I have nothing that could make it better but I'm thinking of you x x x

FoofyShmooffer Wed 24-Oct-12 22:33:25

Cup. sad so so sorry x

threepiecesuite Wed 24-Oct-12 22:33:41

My heart plummeted when I saw the thread title. I have followed Bea's threads from the very day she was born. She was uppermost in my thoughts so many times, as were you all. Through her various diagnosis', your fights to get her the help she deserved, the fundraising you did, and that amazing and wonderful trip to Lourdes, you did not stop in your quest to make her life as full and free as it could be.

She will have only known love and joy in her life, and for that, you should be super proud.

I am so sad and sorry tonight. Sending love and strength to the teaset.
Rest in peace sweet girl xxx

GeneHuntismyloveslave Wed 24-Oct-12 22:34:27

Cup no real words can console you I know that, but you have not left her, you have not abandoned her in the Little Room. You have allowed her to rest, she lived a life full of love and joy and now is her time to rest and that is what you have given her, peace to sleep in the knowledge that she is loved and will continue to be loved even though she may not be here.

You may not want to wake up but Bea would want you to, she knows the love you have for her and her sisters and she would want you to channel that love to them. She will never be forgotten, both in your heart and throughout the virtual world she has touched these past 13 months and nothing on this earth can take that away.

Grieve for you beautiful girl but be proud in the knowledge that both you and her have touched the lives of so many people in a way that many of us can only dream to aspire to.

Rest well little Bea, the stars in heaven shine a little brighter tonight for your presence there.

5ThingsUnderTheBed Wed 24-Oct-12 22:34:29

You and your family are amazing. You showed your little Bea a lifetime of love in her short 13 months. She was and always will be loved.

I followed her story from the beginning. The strength you, your DH and Beas sisters have shown, truly inspiring.

Thinking of you all xxx

archfiend Wed 24-Oct-12 22:34:48

Another one who has followed Bea's story but hasn't posted for a while. I'm so sorry for your loss. There can be no doubt how much she was loved and how much she will be missed. Your post is beyond beautiful and it shines through how much she, you and your family have meant to each other.
x

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 22:35:03

I am so sorry for you. Life is so unfair.

I know you are such a brave wonderful mum, and always will be.

sweetkitty Wed 24-Oct-12 22:35:30

Sleep tight wee Beatrice

So sorry to hear this xxxx

lucyellenmum Wed 24-Oct-12 22:35:43

oh cup - there are no words, so so sorry - no mother should have to go through that sad xxxx

QuickLookBusy Wed 24-Oct-12 22:36:46

Oh CupOfTea, I'm so so sorry.

Your love for your darling girl shines through. Bea had such a lot of love in her life and she still does.

Sweet dreams little Bea.x

lucyellenmum Wed 24-Oct-12 22:37:03

you know, what you wrote there was beautiful, maybe one day you could write a book about your precious girl x

Everyone else is asleep. I'm lying in the dark and the tears keep coming. I wish they would just drown me and be done with it. How can dh be asleep?

Cup I too have followed Bea's story, and I am so so sorry to hear this news. What a heartbreaking thing.

Praying for strength and love for you and your family, and praying for little Bea - may she rest in peace thanks

MissMyBellyButton Wed 24-Oct-12 22:38:00

I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful Beatrice. Your post is so brave and inspiring - just like your gorgeous girl.

Wheredidmyyouthgo Wed 24-Oct-12 22:38:59

With much love. I haven't the words, I only wish I could take a tiny bit of your pain. May God bless your beautiful Beatrice, you, and your family. So terribly truly sorry for your loss xxxx

Woolfey Wed 24-Oct-12 22:39:07

I am so so sorry that you have lost your beautiful daughter. I have no words after reading your post, but many tears. Please know that you and your family are so much in my thoughts at this terrible time x

GeneHuntismyloveslave Wed 24-Oct-12 22:39:27

Please don't think that Cup Bea will always live on through you and your girls

GRW Wed 24-Oct-12 22:39:48

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Beatrice Primrose. I hope that being at the Hospice will give you the support you need, and time for you and your family to spend with her in the special room. Your love for her was absolute and I am sure she felt that every day of her life. Thinking of you x

Sweetheart, you haven't abandoned her. You couldn't possibly, she lives in your heart. You will carry her safely there wherever you go for the rest of your life.

I do understand your wanting to go to sleep and not wake up though. But somehow you will get through this. Your love for Bea and your big girls will pull you through the fog.

Tomorrow will be 14 months for us. I promise you will get through this xxxx

Oh cupoftea I'm so so sorry sad

You write about your lovely girl so beautifully sad

tibni Wed 24-Oct-12 22:42:04

So very sorry to hear of the loss of Bea, my thoughts are with you x

mignonette Wed 24-Oct-12 22:42:10

Your DH will need his strength to comfort you. Sometimes grief makes us terribly tired, sometimes it makes us wakeful. Please try not to measure your DH's reaction against your own. You both need to cleave together at this point. Cuddle up to him.

I am grieving for my Father who died very recently. Not a child, I know, but I have known and loved him a long long time. Grief makes us all behave and feel very differently. There is no right or wrong.
My love to you.

I am so very, very sorry Cup. I'm thinking of you, and I know we all wish we could help. Heaven got a very special Angel today xx

mymatemax Wed 24-Oct-12 22:42:43

Beautiful Beatrice xxx

moajab Wed 24-Oct-12 22:43:27

I'm so sorry Cup. But your love and that of your family was enough - enough to give Bea the best life possible. At the beginning the doctors told you she would die. But you made sure she lived - and live she did, for those thirteen precious months.
I know there are no words at the moment. But I hope in time you will be able to smile at the memories of your beautiful daughter. And take pride in the fact that she touched so many hearts. An amazing little girl.
Thinking of you and your family tonight. xxx

GrotMags Wed 24-Oct-12 22:44:47

What beautiful words Cup I am so so sorry for your loss sad

Thoughts and prayers with you all

Joggingqueen Wed 24-Oct-12 22:45:13

Dear Cup,

Like others. I have followed your threads about Beatrice an the teaset's journey, an maybe posted once or twice, but I just felt compelled to write an say how so very sorry I am. You gave her every ounce of your love. My thoughts are with you all.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Wed 24-Oct-12 22:46:06

So so sorry (I name change a lot). Crying here and can't imagine what you're going through. How loved she is. What a wonderful family she has.

Xxxx

Tabliope Wed 24-Oct-12 22:46:33

I'm so sorry for you loss. She's beautiful x

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Wed 24-Oct-12 22:47:06

So so sorry (I name change a lot). Crying here and can't imagine what you're going through. How loved she is. What a wonderful family she has.

Xxxx

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Wed 24-Oct-12 22:48:36

Your dh is exhausted Cup. So are you but your fatigue has kept you awake and his has sent him off to sleep.

ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul Wed 24-Oct-12 22:49:39

Oh God Cup. Your strength never ceases to amaze me. Your clarity in the face of the pain you are going through. We all deal with things differently - I can understand how you feel about your DH sleeping but try to accept it.

I hope that your grief becomes more bearable in the days to come. Your commitment to Bea has been all consuming - but she is at peace now and your other two girls need you - the strongest mother in the world.

Much love - if there was anything I could do to ease your pain I would, but you will just have to have a virtual hug.

Oh, cup, just keen taking one breath in and one out and keep going.

Bea's father is as bereft as you, but will grieve in a different way from you - as every person grieves differently.
Don't begrudge him this bit of escape - I wish for you that you could sleep, even a little.
Grieve in your own ways and remember Bea together. Be there for each other together when you can.
Be angry at the unfairness of it all, but don't be angry at your DH.
I know it feels like it is inappropriate that the world keeps turning and that everybody goes about their business as if nothing has changed, when EVERYTHING has changed for you. Hug Bea's sisters close to you, cry and hang on to every memory of your beautiful, brave girl.
Many hugs from me x.

5madthings Wed 24-Oct-12 22:51:33

Oh cup, i can barely type through my tears. I am so so sorry sad

I have followed Beatrices story, the ups, the downs, the lovely, lovely pictures! She is a treasure and will be so so missed.

She had defied the odds and got so big, i remember sending you clothes and it seeming like it would take her so long to grow into them. She started out so teeny but yet she grew and defied the expectations. Her photos and your words captured her personality. She knew she was loved and she loved you.

Take care teaset family, hold each other close, sending you love and strength from the madthings xxx

saffronwblue Wed 24-Oct-12 22:51:43

Let the tears flow*cup*.

bonkersLFDT20 Wed 24-Oct-12 22:52:36

I have followed Bea's short little life and am so, so sorry to hear that she passed away. My thoughts are with you all. x x x

Another de-lurking to offer hugs & sympathy ...which feels so inadequate but offered with love from one mum to another. xxx

SkiBumMum Wed 24-Oct-12 22:54:24

You're so brave to post. How awful for you all. I too have followed from afar as our baby girls were born just days apart. I've given mine a big kiss for Beatrice. Take care of each other.

TheMouseDancing Wed 24-Oct-12 22:55:17

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, you are in my thoughts and prayers xxx

sad so so very sorry. Another beautiful star in the sky watching over her family .

I have no doubt she knew just how much she was loved and that will be with her always!

Sweet dreams bea xxx

MummyDuckAndDuckling Wed 24-Oct-12 22:56:46

There are no words.

Good night little Bea, sleep tight xx

kissmyheathenass Wed 24-Oct-12 22:57:43

I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful, dearly loved Bea.

Wishing you and your family strength over the very difficult days ahead.

turtles Wed 24-Oct-12 22:58:52

My heart is breaking, just a tiny fraction of what yours must be feeling. I've followed your story from your first post about Bea. She was such a gorgeous girl.
xxx

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 24-Oct-12 22:59:22

So very sorry to hear this
Sending love, prayers and strength to you all.

outtolunchagain Wed 24-Oct-12 23:00:59

No words to say , I have also followed your story and that of beautiful Beatrice and she was so beautiful and do brave . Look after yourselves and remember that Beatrice is with the angels and looking down on you all .

EmptyCrispPackets Wed 24-Oct-12 23:01:18

I'm so so sorry. I am sat here cuddling my newborn even tighter after reading this.

X

musttidyupmusttidyup Wed 24-Oct-12 23:02:55

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a very brave woman. Bless you x

lucyellenmum Wed 24-Oct-12 23:03:24

oh gosh, i have just looked at your pictures, she is so so beautiful, those eyes, just beautiful.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:04:06

she is beautiful cup, i am moved to tears by your post and your story, you are incredibly strong. i have no idea what to say, i truly dont, im am so very sorry.

x

aleene Wed 24-Oct-12 23:04:49

I'm so sorry.
You have written about your last day with her beautifully. And what a beautiful girl she is, your photos are just lovely. Wishing strength to you for the days ahead.

DottyDot Wed 24-Oct-12 23:05:23

Oh Cup - your posts are so amazing - thank you for taking the time to post and I hope in a tiny way it helps to write things down here. Bea is so beautiful - I've always loved the photos you've put on your profile - those huge big eyes and cheeky face!

Wishing you all lots of love and strength to get through the coming days xxx

FrankensteinWippery Wed 24-Oct-12 23:05:38

Darling Cup, be kind to yourself. Thinking of you all and sending you much love from all of us xx

tadjennyp Wed 24-Oct-12 23:06:14

So sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. Much love xxx

musicposy Wed 24-Oct-12 23:10:34

So, so sorry to hear this, have been following beautiful Bea's story since the start. She was such a special and beautiful little girl. [flowers]

Your other girls need you; carry on because of them however hard it is. Your DH will be hurting so much too but everyone deals with grief differently. Be kind to yourself and each other.

I know no words can help but you will always love and remember her and one day, although there will always be sadness that you didn't have longer, there will be joy too that she was yours, if even for a short while.

Sending love xx

DorsetKnob Wed 24-Oct-12 23:11:06

I am so so sorry, I am sat her in tears. YOur description is so personal and heartfelt, thnank you for sharing xxx

Iamnotlikealltheotherclouds Wed 24-Oct-12 23:12:28

I am so terribly sorry. Words will be so inadequate.

The love that she has been shown in her life shines out of her. That sort of beauty only comes from love and she will know how much you all love her. She will.

Goodnight God bless wee Beatrice x

musttidyupmusttidyup Wed 24-Oct-12 23:12:48

I hope you are asleep now Cup. I hope that you manage tomorrow. I wish that we could take some of your pain. X

beachyhead Wed 24-Oct-12 23:13:26

My love goes out to you, cup...

BCBG Wed 24-Oct-12 23:14:58

I remember Beatrice being born, and how hard you fought for her. What a precious gift those thirteen months have been. Sleep gently little girl x

EverythingInMjiniature Wed 24-Oct-12 23:15:35

Sweetheart, I'm so so sorry you are have to go through this. I'm another one who has followed Beatrice's story but never posted. I felt those who understood better were giving you wonderful support and anything I could add would sound trite, but often found myself wondering how the sweet baby with the beautiful eyes, defying all the odds, was getting on.

I imagine everything will be so raw for a long time, but I hope eventually you will be able to look back on the threads and see how lucky Bea was to have you as her Mummy, and how full of love you and the teaset made her life. Beatrice touched so many people in her little life, you must be so proud xxx

whattodoo Wed 24-Oct-12 23:17:56

Darling Beatrice Primrose couldn't possibly be more loved.
She, and you have been lucky to have each other.
What I wouldn't give to be able to take away just a tiny bit of the pain you are feeling right now.
Much love and a heart full of prayers x

mamapower Wed 24-Oct-12 23:18:01

Thinking of you and your family. Beautiful pictures of Beatrice. I hope those treasured memories can give you some comfort. Lots of love xx

LST Wed 24-Oct-12 23:18:40

Oh cup sadsad

Words could not express how sorry I am for your loss. She was so lucky to have a family and mummy that loved her so very much.

Rest in peace little angel xxx

poachedeggs Wed 24-Oct-12 23:19:54

Oh I'm so, so sorry for your loss x

TaperJeanGirl Wed 24-Oct-12 23:19:58

So very, very sorry to read this, I have followed your threads on little Bea from when she was born, you are all in my thoughts sad

NettoSpookerstar Wed 24-Oct-12 23:22:43

Thinking of you x

pannetone Wed 24-Oct-12 23:23:24

Beatrice is at peace Cup. I pray that you may be too, even if it can only be for a little time, this first night without her. x

NormaStanleyFletcher Wed 24-Oct-12 23:27:15

Love and peace to you and the Teaset from the Fletch household

Oh, your adorable Beatrice.

So sorry.

stuffitunderthebed Wed 24-Oct-12 23:28:23

So sorry for your loss, such an amazing wee girl. Wishing you strength and peace. So tragic. X x

Such sad news, sending all my love to you cupofteaplease and to your lovely family.

I have been following your threads ever since baby Bea was born and your strength and love have shone out of every post. You will manage to cope, one step at a time, allowing yourself to feel however you are feeling. Your beautiful little girl has touched so many lives around the world, I hope that can give you some comfort.

All my love and thoughts xxx

SwimmingLikeADuck Wed 24-Oct-12 23:34:30

Offering a virtual hand hold for the inevitable long night ahead. Im so so sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself x

beth12345 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:36:10

I am so sorry. I have also followed your family's story from the start, though I have not posted on your threads before.
Bea was clearly so loved and so lucky to have you as her mummy. So sorry xxx

I'm so sorry xxx

LulaPalooza Wed 24-Oct-12 23:38:10

Cup, I've been reading your threads for a while now but haven't felt able to contribute. I had no experience to share or words of wisdom.

I still don't, but my heart goes out to you and your family and to beautiful, beautiful Bea. I couldn't just read this and not say anything.

Sending love and light xx

lisad123 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:39:00

We are thinking of you all at this very sad time. I'm so sorry we didn't get to meet Bea as we planned but feel like I know her so and thank you so much for sharing her story with us, she touched so many people in her short life. She was truely beautiful in a way so many spend years trying for but never reach.

Please know we are thinking of all of you here and holding you close to our hearts

PrincessFiorimonde Wed 24-Oct-12 23:39:16

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family. xx

God I'm so sorry. My DD is almost exactly the same age as Beatrice. Praying for her, you and your family tonight. Xxx

lljkk Wed 24-Oct-12 23:48:53

I just spent few hours catching up on Bea's last 7 months (rollercoaster year). Didn't realise we shared a birthday (separated by a few decades, who knew? wink).
She won't be forgotten. xx

chubbymummy Wed 24-Oct-12 23:49:22

There are no words that could even begin to touch the pain you must be feeling. I've seen your pictures of Bea and they really did melt my heart. Bea touched so many people who never even met her and your love for her shone through. Rest in peace little darling. Much love to you all x

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Wed 24-Oct-12 23:50:39

Cupoftea - I'm so very sorry.

Bea was such a special, amazing girl. And she trusted you with her short life - she gave you 13 months when they said that wasn't possible. She gave those to you and your girls because you deserved them. Because she felt that love you all had for her. She knew she was safe with you.

She returned that love. She imprinted it in all of your hearts. Bea will never be gone from you. Every single time you kissed her chubby cheeks you pushed her further into your heart. Everytime you held her close You pulled every ounce of her character into you and it's made you strong and the fighter she so obviously was. You might not feel it now but it's there. It will always be there and she will always be with you.

x

lisaro Wed 24-Oct-12 23:53:56

I am so sorry for your loss of a beautiful, much loved and obviously special little girl.

storytopper Thu 25-Oct-12 00:00:29

So sorry for your loss. Such a beautiful and inspirational little girl. I loved reading your updates and seeing the photos of your 3 girls. Goodbye little Bea. Thinking of you and your family. x

mummylin Thu 25-Oct-12 00:04:24

I have never been so moved by a mums posts before.I too have followed your beautiful baby's life story and i did post once about her beautiful eyes.I am so sorry that she has now passed,but i know from all the posts i have read on your threads how much you loved her ,fought for her and did everything you could to make her short life as happy as possible.I hope you will eventually be able to sleep,maybe in the end from sheer exhaustion.This is indeed a very sad day.R.I.P baby Bea x

TheQueensDinner Thu 25-Oct-12 00:05:25

Wishing you strength and comfort. Your family are in my thoughts. You sound like a wonderful mother and I'm sure Bea knew how much she was loved. May she now rest peacefully.

JustSpidero Thu 25-Oct-12 00:08:36

I am so, so sorry to read this - I can still remember seeing your thread when Beatrice was born last year, and whenever I've seen another one I've looked to see how things were going even though I don't think I ever posted.

She was a very beautiful little girl, and I hope you will be able to take some comfort from all the memories you've made over the last year, your two remaining girls and the rest of your family.

Lots of love and condolences to you all.

Clary Thu 25-Oct-12 00:08:51

So sorry to read this cupoftea.

I have never forgotten the lovely post you wrote when Bea was born, and what you said about her sisters and your family. You are all in the thought of so many people just now, stay as strong as you can for those who are still here, always remembering your lovely baby.

What beautiful pictures; and what a beautiful picture you paint with your eloquent words about your daughter.

MotherSouperior Thu 25-Oct-12 00:09:01

Cup of tea, I am so so sorry. There are no words are there?

You, beautiful Bea, and your family are all so much in my prayers.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 25-Oct-12 00:09:33

Cup - I've cried on and off all day since your message this morning - for you, for Bea, for your DH & Bea's Big Sisters... but I am sitting her sobbing, heartbroken, at your posts on this thread. Back here again, we shouldn't be back here!! It's not fair. I just want to hold you and take this pain away from you, I want to bring Bea back for you. It's not fair.

1 year, 1 month, 1 week, 1 day & there could not have been anymore love in that time than Bea had. You did everything you could for her - you made her short life on earth as perfect as it could have ever been. She was so loved, so so loved.

I don't know how you are going to learn to live your new life - but I know you will. You are strong and you will be strong for your Big Girls - they need their Mummy now more than ever and I know you well enough to know you know that.

You are one incredible woman - I really admire you. I could not have been as 'giving' as you have been (with us, on your threads), I could not have written as you do - I would not have coped as well as you have. You need to appreciate how amazing you have been and will keep being.

People handle grief differently - please, please don't compare yours to DH's. Let him sleep when he can - you need him to be as strong as he can be. Try to cuddle up to him & match his breathing, try to be 'as one' with him, even if you can't sleep. You need each other more than ever right now.

All my love
xxx

Scheherezade Thu 25-Oct-12 00:10:48

Oh cup. Cry as much as you want to.

Xxxxxxxx

muddydevilsonhorseback Thu 25-Oct-12 00:14:02

Praying for you and your family.xx

StrictlyComeDancingDiva Thu 25-Oct-12 00:15:10

Rest in peace baby Bea.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, Cup x

Sariska Thu 25-Oct-12 00:17:28

Such beautiful words to share such awful news. I am so so sorry for you all. Thinking of you and your beautiful Bea. X

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Thu 25-Oct-12 00:21:28

I'm so sorry. Big hugs to all of you xxx

lemontruffles Thu 25-Oct-12 00:21:55

You have brought Beatrice to life here, with your words of pure love and your full heart. Your tiny girl will live on in the hearts and minds of so many, those who met her and those who didn't, but she, and you, and your whole family, are surrounded by the love of so many.

Nothing and no one can, or ought to, replace Beatrice. She lived a life full of love. And a true love never leaves our hearts.

Please accept deep and heartfelt warmth from me, and my family, to you and all your family.

Words are so hard: both utterly empty, and yet the only way to try to send you any support or comfort. Here is a hand to hold yours, a shoulder to cry on, arms to surround you. With love X x x

Growlithe Thu 25-Oct-12 00:28:37

So sorry for you and your lovely family. Praying for God to send you strength now and always. Sleep well little Bea. X

takeonboard Thu 25-Oct-12 00:30:09

I'm so sorry to read this. She was loved so much in her too short life. Thinking of you all. xxx

Aloha31 Thu 25-Oct-12 00:35:39

Bea was here. Eventually you will think of that and be filled up with such a warm feeling. All of your life you will be touched by the warmth of feeling that you had her in your life.

Feel everything you need to feel now. Breath in your little precious girl. Don't apologise for anything, just feel and love. And you will be ok. Blessings to you all x

tara277 Thu 25-Oct-12 00:36:25

Just wantd to add my sincere sympathies for your incredible loss. I so admire the insiparational way that you and your family filled her life with joy and love.

Oh my dear girl. I like others have followed Bea from the beginning. She fought so hard. And you fought so hard for her and with her.

One year, one month, one week and one day. That can't be a coincidence can it? She outlasted all of the dire prognosises. Such a beautiful babe.

What is the point from now? Your girls. And DH. They are the point. And don't feel bad that DH is sleeping. My parents lost a baby shortly after birth. To outsiders and most of the world Dad was fine. He carried on. He carried Mum and me. It was only years later that he told us he dreamt of that baby most nights. His dreams made him happy. And that enabled him to be strong for everyone else.

You write so amazingly well. I think we have all felt a little of your heartbreak today.

Get some sleep. We will all be here for you tomorrow.

converseconvert Thu 25-Oct-12 00:49:33

So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you all xx

BadNails Thu 25-Oct-12 00:58:22

I am so sorry cup. You know I have followed Bea's story, willed her on and prayed for her although I haven't often posted. I will pray again for her and all of your family now.

Much love to you xx

expatinscotland Thu 25-Oct-12 01:05:06

Cupoftea, oh, darling! I'm so sorry for your loss.

expatinscotland Thu 25-Oct-12 01:06:35

We also did things people might consider strange, utterly deranged from 11 days in PICU and months before of intense chemo and infections.

Don't beat yourself up!

beetrootface Thu 25-Oct-12 01:07:25

I am so sorry for your loss, I have only just joined mumsnet but reading this has been so touching. All my love to you Cupoftea xx

sausagerolemodel Thu 25-Oct-12 01:14:15

Oh cup.:-( What a beautiful eulogy for your Beatrice. She is truly beautiful. My thoughts are with you. xxx

OneHandWavingFree Thu 25-Oct-12 01:53:56

I am just so, so sorry.

Rest in Peace, little Bea. A hundred years on this Earth could not have taught you anything more of what it is to be utterly, completely loved, than you learned from your mother in 13 months, one week, and one day.

Beatrice will always be with you, cup. But I can only imagine how your arms ache to hold her living body and I am crying here thinking of it, strangers though we are.

MysteriousHamster Thu 25-Oct-12 01:55:51

I am so sorry to hear what has happened, cup. I am thinking of you and your family, and of all the wonderful things you have written about Beatrice in her 13 months, one week, and one day. She defied so many expectations and so much of that was because of your love for her.

TanteRose Thu 25-Oct-12 02:25:01

Oh CupofTea, I am so sorry sad I remember when Beatrice was born..your love for her shines through in your messages
Thinking of you and your family at this sad time

GalaxyAddict Thu 25-Oct-12 02:43:34

Cup, I wrote on the other thread, just to say how very sad and sorry I am to hear about Bea. She had touched the hearts and tears cried from people all over the world. I was luckily enough to meet you all at Ikidz when Bea was staying at Helen House, and it was an honour to have met you all. Bea will never be forgotten, RIP sweet angel baby x

KateUnghoulyBush Thu 25-Oct-12 02:53:06

I am utterly humbled by every post you have written about your darling Bea, and I think I've read each and every one on your journey of the past 13 months.

Your love, strength, devotion and bravery have shone through every single word and inspired me so much.

I am devastated for you today, Cup. You could not have done more for Bea and her short life was filled with the strongest, sweetest love anyone could ever know. I hope that knowing this brings you peace in the days ahead.

With love,

Kate x

MollyMurphy Thu 25-Oct-12 03:11:44

Thinking of you and hoping you find peace

PenguinSalute Thu 25-Oct-12 03:22:38

Oh cupoftea, this was heartbreaking to read, thank you for sharing your last precious time with Bea. My thoughts are with you and the rest of your family, may your love for Bea guide you through the dark days ahead.

Sleep easy little one.
xxx

mysaladdays Thu 25-Oct-12 03:30:32

I'm sorry for your loss, you sound like you did everything you could for your little one and you must have been such a reassuring, loving presence for her.

She will look down on you with love always,

Wishing you peace x

JemimaPuddle Thu 25-Oct-12 03:41:39

So very sorry for your loss x

Thumbwitch Thu 25-Oct-12 04:11:28

Ah Cup - your posts are heartrending to read and must be so much more so to write. sad

Beatrice has had the most wonderful life you could have given her and she would have known every second of every day how loved she was - how precious and wonderful.

She's still gone too soon - and it must feel a little like your world has ended too - but the best you can do for her now is to all live on and remember her every day with love and joy for her life.

(((((hugs))))) for you all, you poor darlings - I hope that you get a huge amount of support from whoever/wherever it's available. xxx

Trousersrolled Thu 25-Oct-12 04:59:53

I'm so sorry. Reading your post is a reminder to us all to love as hard as we can.

twolittlebundles Thu 25-Oct-12 05:35:10

Cup, I am so sorry for you and your family. There will be a candle burning for your Beatrice here tonight.

ThoughtBen10WasBadPokemonOMG Thu 25-Oct-12 05:35:26

I'm so so sorry that you have had to endure this heart break. I am friends with Sally bear and she has shared with me the joy that your beautiful girl has brought to so many people who were in her life both in rl and virtually. I love the disco ball picture. Such a special girl x x

treaclesoda Thu 25-Oct-12 05:48:09

so very sorry for your loss.

ettiketti Thu 25-Oct-12 05:56:11

Rest in peace, beautiful Beatrice. Sending love and strength to you all xxx

Cup, words are not enough to at this time but they are all I have. You gave Beatrice the best life and experiances and you will always remember those happy times as well as the sad times. She touched so many lives and gave so much inspiration in her short life.

I will hold you, Mr TeaCup and the little TeaCup's in my thoughts and prayers and will prayer that you will find your strength to get through this pain and find your way through the fog that is your brain right now.

Rosa Thu 25-Oct-12 06:22:53

I read this crying, with love to you and your familyxxx

buzzgirly Thu 25-Oct-12 06:25:38

I am so sorry to hear this cup. I have been following Bea's story since the beginning, and know that she is so loved by you and your lovely family.

Sleep tight beautiful Beatrice Primrose xx

Barmcaker Thu 25-Oct-12 06:35:26

I'm so sorry. Beautiful, gorgeous little girl. x

Ploom Thu 25-Oct-12 06:40:49

I'm so so sorry to hear this sad news.

Rest in peace Beatrice xx

jimblejambles Thu 25-Oct-12 06:44:41

I am so sorry to hear this.
Rest in peace Beatrice

BalloonSlayer Thu 25-Oct-12 06:53:19

I am so sorry Cup.

I can't think of anything else to say.

Oh cup I am so so sorry your beautiful girl has passed. I have been following your threads and willing so much for you.

I just want to send love and hugs and strength.

Good night beautiful girl xx

marriedinwhite Thu 25-Oct-12 07:01:12

I'm so sorry my darling. I hope you have had some sleep. There are no words to make it bearable; only time and the love of others do that.

With love and prayers. God rest sweet soul - if only every child were as loved as you have been.

thesoo Thu 25-Oct-12 07:04:31

My heart is breaking for you and your family cup. I am so sorry.

Wishing you love and strength xxx

ripsishere Thu 25-Oct-12 07:08:33

So so sorry for your loss.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Thu 25-Oct-12 07:08:47

I am so sorry for you cup and your DH and Bea's sisters, such very sad news.

You write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing Bea's story with us, it has been such an inspiring one and you and Bea truly have touched the hearts of many, many people.

Bea is at peace now, I hope with time you are able to find some peace too x

SallyBear Thu 25-Oct-12 07:11:17

I hope that you finally got some much needed sleep. You are all in my prayers as is beautiful Beatrice. I can't believe how lucky I was to have been able to have had snuggles with her this year. It was a privilege. Truly it was. So much love being sent to you my friend. xx

Celestia Thu 25-Oct-12 07:17:26

My heart is breaking for you all, I'm so sorry.

I'll remember her for putting up such a brave fight and for those beautiful, beautiful eyes she had.

fhdl34 Thu 25-Oct-12 07:21:29

I do hope you managed to get some sleep cup. I've thought of Bea most days since she's been born, even when there was no update for a couple of weeks, such is the way that she touched my heart and life.
You have your other 2 beautiful daughters and your DH to keep going for, they will keep you strong.

I hope you managed to get some sleep cup. I know it will feel a bit 'how can I sleep when this has happened' but you do need to. You will need all the strength you can muster. Again I know it's hard but try and force yourself to make sure you're eating and drinking too. Much love xxx

IShallCallYouSquishy Thu 25-Oct-12 07:28:09

No words are enough to express how sorry I am for your loss.
Rest in peace beautiful Beatrice.

OohMrDarcy Thu 25-Oct-12 07:30:11

I don't have the eloquence of some this thread, but my heart breaks every time I read your posts. One breath at a time cup

Xx

EdsRedeemingQualities Thu 25-Oct-12 07:34:15

I thought of you last night and this morning when I woke up, in that bit where you slowly remember what happened the previous day, and what you have to do on this one.

And how it must feel to wake into this, for all of you.
I wish I could help somehow...I'll keep you in my thoughts today xxxx

CambridgeBlue Thu 25-Oct-12 07:38:03

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing what happened, I hope it helped you in some tiny way to write it down. While it is of course terribly sad, it is heartening to hear how lovingly Beatrice was treated - we lost a family member last week (very old though, a totally different situation) and I was so touched by how respectful the whole process was from the moment of her death to the funeral. I don't want to say any more because I know how irritating/upsetting platitudes can be at a time like this but I will be thinking of you all.

x

I am so, so sorry.

You gave your girl a lifetime of love, and she, in return, has touched hundreds of hearts.

I hope you have managed some sleep.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Thu 25-Oct-12 07:58:58

Good morning Cup
Please try and make sure you have a hot drink at least this morning and put something warm on. I think you may feel very cold today so jumper and a scarf could help.

trumpton Thu 25-Oct-12 08:01:34

Oh darling, I am so sad to hear your news. What a lucky little girl Beartrice Primrose was to be born into the Teaset who loved her and fought for her and appreciated the love and joy she added to the family.
Nothing we can say or do will make the coming days and nights easier but know that whenever you are wakeful during the long dark hours then one of us will be awake also and will be thinking of you and sharing your vigil .
Now you are in Heaven little Bea tell them that, doosy, doosy, you are a very special girl and that you deserve flowers and mountain sunshine all the days .

Rest in peace .

chezchaos Thu 25-Oct-12 08:02:21

I'm so so sorry for your loss, Beatrice was such a beautiful girl and must have known how much she was - is - loved xxx

dietstartstmoz Thu 25-Oct-12 08:04:33

Cup i hope you managed to get some sleep. Your posts about bea have always been so filled with love these last posts have made my heart break for you all. I have no words of wisdom just that you will be in my thoughts every day and you could not have done any more for beatrice. She had 13 months,1 week and 1 day filled with love. Xxxxxxxx

PosieParker Thu 25-Oct-12 08:06:57

Oh CupofTea, what a beautiful post to tell us all about your beautiful Beatrice.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish your family strength at this incredibly sad time.

EugenesAxe Thu 25-Oct-12 08:08:03

I am so sorry - I will think of your family and Beatrice in prayer. X

PartyFops Thu 25-Oct-12 08:08:57

So sorry, so so sad xx

ChasedByBees Thu 25-Oct-12 08:13:31

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your post has moved me to tears too. I looked at your photos and she was so beautiful and looked so full of character. You gave her so much love and life in those few short months. xxx

Eglantyne Thu 25-Oct-12 08:13:37

So sorry Cup, your post was beautiful. I'm sobbing away here. Sending you love xxx

dontmixthecolours Thu 25-Oct-12 08:13:58

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself

Hopeforever Thu 25-Oct-12 08:19:38

So sad to hear about Bea, prayers for your whole family, that you will be surrounded by love, comfort and peace

So so sorry for your loss, you write such amazing words with such love, I am crying for you as I write.
My thoughts and love are with you at this time xxx

BlameItOnTheCuervForHumanBlood Thu 25-Oct-12 08:36:44

Oh, my darling. God bless you all, and sweet dreams beatrice x

Dolallytats Thu 25-Oct-12 08:36:53

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all x

Trudyla Thu 25-Oct-12 08:43:15

I am so sorry cup. I just don't know what else to say. So, so sad.

Wow, she was beautiful. All your girls have such beautiful eyes!
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I hope your lovely family can come together and support each other.
Much love

I'm so terribly sorry for the loss and pain you are experiencing. I can't imagine what you are going through. Wishing you love.

Hugs to you all. Xx

Blipbipbeep Thu 25-Oct-12 09:24:56

I read your thread thirteen months ago and my heart ached for you then.
I have just read your op and tears are running down my cheeks.
I'm so sorry.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 25-Oct-12 09:32:02

I remember walking to the meet-up with you cup, so beautiful and serene.
This is just wrong.
I don't pray, but I do cry. I'm so, so, very sorry. xxx

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 25-Oct-12 09:33:54

Thinking of you this morning Cup - (((( hugs ))))
Thankful that you are all being cared for by the hospice - lean on them and let them look after you all. Much love to you and the whole teaset, as always x

Praying for Bea too, with thanks for her life lived in love, and imagining her on her final journey to a place with more primroses and sunshine than here x

GlesgaRocket Thu 25-Oct-12 09:45:41

So, so sorry for what has happened.
Such a truly touching post that you wrote, and my thoughts are with you and your family x

NightLark Thu 25-Oct-12 09:47:53

Cup, your love is the strongest, clearest thing in the world. If we can feel it through a screen, so far removed from you, how loved must Bea have felt all her life. I hope time brings you peace.

I am rubbish at knowing what to put

I have been following your posts since Bea was born and woke up thinking of you and your family today

sending lots of love

Cup, your post is the most beautiful & heartbreaking thing I've ever read, what a lucky lady Bea was to have such a wonderful mummy & family for her too short time on earth.
The love & pride you have for your gorgeous angel shines through.

Wishing you & the teaset strength & love for today, and forever.
Praying for Bea, sweet dreams little one. xxx

lia66 Thu 25-Oct-12 09:55:44

Sending you so much love and strength cup I cannot imagine the agony you are in. No-one should have to go through this kind of pain. xx

JustFabulous Thu 25-Oct-12 10:00:56

Still thinking of you all so much.

You haven't abandoned Beatrice in the Little Room. She is with other people and you can go and see her whenever you want.

I feel like that is the wrong things to say. I hope someone can make it sound better as I just don't have the words to express my sorrow for you all and to tell you how amazingly you looked after Bea.

maxmillie Thu 25-Oct-12 10:03:13

So sorry Cup - she touched me too xx

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 25-Oct-12 10:17:46

Cupoftea - Your opening post here is both heart-breaking and beautiful. As others have said the thread title is lovely too - but being difficult a contrary sort of person I just wanted to say that you and your family have taught me that "Love is always enough" - and maybe it is all we have. You have inspired so many of us with your love for Bea. We are so sorry for your loss sad

Portofino Thu 25-Oct-12 10:19:55

Thinking of you today xxx

Thinking of you all today x x x

RinderThrillerNight Thu 25-Oct-12 10:20:57

Cupoftea, lots of love to you all today. Thinking of you xx

hellyd Thu 25-Oct-12 10:23:49

I have never posted on your thread but have read every one of your posts. I know you won't feel like it but you are the most inspirational mummy i think i have ever "known".
Bea was a beautiful and wonderful character and will live on in countless hearts.
I wish you and your family love and strength for the coming week and hope for the future.
xxx

RachelHRD Thu 25-Oct-12 10:26:22

So very, very sorry Cup ((hugs)) Bea was such an amazing, strong little girl who touched so many lives and you gave her the best life possible and more love than anyone could hope for.

Thinking of you all so much xxxx

DinosaursOnASpaceship Thu 25-Oct-12 10:29:24

Words just aren't enough. I am so so sorry xx

Everlong Thu 25-Oct-12 10:32:56

Dear cup I've just been looking at your photo's. Such a beautiful family. Your love for each other shines out. Little Bea with those big eyes broke my heart. She was loved, cherished and adored. She knew that.

I am so so sorry that she's gone.

MmeLindor Thu 25-Oct-12 10:43:14

Thinking of you, Cup, and sending you and your family love and strength.

My Granny was a beautiful Beatrice too - I will tell her to look out for a beautiful little girl with eyes full of love and wonder. xxx

helips Thu 25-Oct-12 10:48:17

Cup, I have followed your story from the very beginning and just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Baby Bea was so brave, a little fighter to the end and an absolute inspiration to us all. Sending lots of love and strength to you and your family...x

ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul Thu 25-Oct-12 10:49:56

Couldn't stop thinking about you in the night Cup.

You talked of the twist of anxiety that had built up in your stomach which relaxed when Bea passed away. I too have felt that knot - all the pent up worry and grief and uncertainty (and certainty of what was to come) tied up with a life. Once Bea's life on earth had ended all that pain was released, and you are left free to grieve and to love and cherish the memories of the life she had.

I hope that the days ahead are not too dark.

Much love.

IWishIWasAFrog Thu 25-Oct-12 10:54:00

I am so sorry. There are no words, it all sounds so hollow.

xxx

unexpectediteminbaggingarea Thu 25-Oct-12 10:55:32

I have written and deleted a dozen hopeless trite things, but of course there are no words for this, a loss beyond loss. I hope you can feel a bit of all the love that is here for you all, and Bea of course. So, so sorry. xxx

weegiemum Thu 25-Oct-12 10:58:30

Cup, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about Beatrice's death. She lived her whole life enveloped in love, your love for her was always enough. Xxx

mrssmooth Thu 25-Oct-12 11:07:20

So very sorry to hear your sad news sad Wishing you and your family strength and love at this very difficult time for you all xx

raindroprhyme Thu 25-Oct-12 11:15:30

I have followed your story since Beatrice was born and have thought and prayed for her and your family often. That will not change now, your special girl has touched so many, and will continue to do so.

Know you and your loved ones are held close in our hearts and we are with you every step of the next chapter too.

'This Little of Light of Mine' my goodness did she shine!

KleinePoppet Thu 25-Oct-12 11:19:02

I am so very, very sorry to hear about the death of your beloved Beatrice sad I hadn't known about her story, but it was mentioned on another thread and so I came over here. Your post is completely heartbreaking. I wish so hard that Beatrice were still here with you.

My own baby daughter died in my arms four and a half months ago. I hope it's not inappropriate to give you one small piece of advice. Please - please - try your best not to worry about what to do, or what you feel you should be doing, or what others are doing. Just be. Cope. Breathe.

It is the worst thing in the world. I am so incredibly sorry for you all, and most of all, for Beatrice. xx

spiderlight Thu 25-Oct-12 11:21:44

So, so sorry ((( hug )))

FreckledLeopard Thu 25-Oct-12 11:56:30

Sending my love and prayers and asking that you can get a moment's rest and time away from the pain. Just take every second as it comes, no more, no less. xxxxx

clucky80 Thu 25-Oct-12 12:06:02

You write absolutely beautifully about your gorgeous girl and you sound like a fantastic mummy. I was so sorry to hear your news about Bea. She will live on through all of you. Lots of love and prayers to you and your family xxx

TheFantasticFixit Thu 25-Oct-12 12:14:32

Cup I too have never posted on your threads but have read your posts and thought of you, Beatrice and your family so much. I was so touched by your post, your love for her is so tangible in it. I am so, so sorry that she has passed, and I only hope that your pain eases in time and you have some peace, as will Bea now. My love, prayers and thoughts are with you all in such a difficult time. God Bless.

newpup Thu 25-Oct-12 12:52:26

So very sorry. sad

RabidCarrot Thu 25-Oct-12 12:56:49

There is so much love in every word of your post, and so much pain I felt I could reach out and touch it. I am so so sorry for your loss, prayers and thoughts will you and your family x

cutegorilla Thu 25-Oct-12 13:00:36

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You write beautifully about her.

JuliaScurr Thu 25-Oct-12 13:05:07

xxx

ginhag Thu 25-Oct-12 13:07:38

Cupoftea, your post was heartbreaking, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I don't have the words, I'm sorry xxxxxx

I am so sorry. xxx

I've been reading your posts since Beatrice's birth from half the world away and am so sorry for your loss. Your posts leave me in tears and this time they are tears of sadness ... But I have cried for your resilience and humanity, bea's strength and personality and the love of your whole family. I'm not sure why bea's story has affected me so deeply but she is such a special spirit with so much life in her short time with you. Wishing you peace x

I am so so sorry, she was such a beautiful little girl.

DuffyMoon Thu 25-Oct-12 13:13:56

like so many others I have nothing I can say - the clarity of your writing is stunning and beautiful x

cupoftea, I remember Bea's story too, what a brave and strong baby girl she was then, and still is now. I am sobbing as I write. God bless you and your family. xxx

hillyhilly Thu 25-Oct-12 13:14:49

So sorry to hear this, Bea had a wonderful life and knew she was loved, her passing sounds as wonderful and filled with love as the rest of her, too short, life was.

PebblePots Thu 25-Oct-12 13:19:47

So, so sorry. Sending love & strength to you all x

Cupoftea your post was heartbreaking and beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. As many other people have said, Bea'a short life was filled with so much love.
Thinking about you and your family, your dds and of course bea herself.

Fairyjen Thu 25-Oct-12 13:25:16

cup I hope to be as eloquent as you in this post but doubt I will manage it.

I felt your pain so deeply yesterday that I couldn't post. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling.

I was told nothing really dies as long as their not forgotten. Bea never never will be. Your love shines through. The fact that do many of us have felt compelled to post is testament to the woman and family you are and our utter admiration and love for your darling bea.

I only hope that I could be half the mother to my dc that you are. I feel deeply honoured to have had the chance to share bea's journey.

My love and thoughts are with you cup. You are a true inspiration and I pray you find the strength to carry on. Xxxxx

Cup what a beautiful post, your love for Bea is amazing.

Thinking of you all and god bless your little angel xxx

Iwillorderthefood Thu 25-Oct-12 13:28:46

I am so so sorry, I accidentally clicked onto this thread and felt compelled to tell you how amazing you and your family sound, such strength and love. I am sitting here crying. I hope that you all have the strength to continue to support each other in the time to come. Remember she will always be with you.

AddictedtoCrunchies Thu 25-Oct-12 13:54:53

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

LadyGago Thu 25-Oct-12 14:02:45

Dear Cup, I have followed Beas story from your first post. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have loved reading about your lovely girl, and the milestones she reached. Your posts were always full of such love for Bea, she really couldn't have belonged to a more loving family.
I have just had another look at your photos, and my God what a beautiful girl! That picture of her lying in her buggy in the mountains with the sun on her face - it looks like a truly perfect day.
She may have only been on this earth for 13 too short months, but there was a lifetime of love packed into them. She was an inspirational little girl, and you are an inspirational mother. You were truly made for each other.
Sleep easily Bea, it's not Goodbye, only Goodnight xxx

jennycrofter Thu 25-Oct-12 14:24:13

Your loving posts about your beautiful daughter have been a joy and an inspiration. I am so sorry for your loss. The courage and strength you have shown these last few months will stand you and your family in good stead. x

CaroleService Thu 25-Oct-12 14:30:58

Oh Cup. I think you should let yourself not be strong for a while. You have been astonishing for so long. Howl at the moon, throw things.

mumnosbest Thu 25-Oct-12 14:35:29

So so sorry. I dont know you or even what you've been going through but as a fellow mum I wanted to send all my love, strength and prayers your way. Hold your memories and your dds in your heart, i'll certainly be counting my blessings too xxx

feelingdizzy Thu 25-Oct-12 14:41:37

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.Your love for her shines through.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family xx

missymoomoomee Thu 25-Oct-12 14:44:26

I am so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous girl. xxx

sarahbanshee Thu 25-Oct-12 15:00:21

God bless you and your family and especially your beautiful Beatrice. How much you must wish for one more day with her. She has touched so many people in her brief life and she has made memories that will last forever.

nemno Thu 25-Oct-12 16:01:29

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you achieved exactly what you intended to, a life full of love for Beatrice. Many congratulations for your achievement and so many condolences for you loss.

Cup, holding you and the whole Teaset in my heart.

When the time is right, this book is a wonderful piece of art for grieving children and adults.

I hope you have slept/eaten/hugged and been hugged today xx.

BellaVita Thu 25-Oct-12 16:31:43

Cup, I am still welling up when I think about you (and I have thought a lot about you today).

Much love xx

Milliways Thu 25-Oct-12 16:33:57

I am so sorry to hear this news Cup, and am so grateful to you for sharing Beatrice's amazing journey with us here. She was a true Mumsnet Baby and we have all been cheering you along for the entire 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. You have helped to change a lot of people's perceptions of living with a seriously ill child as well.

God Bless you all.

DeadQODy Thu 25-Oct-12 16:36:05

Terrible, so terrible when children have to suffer.

May she rest in peace and you have the peace that you let her go

Xx

Thinking of you with much love.

XXX

cloud23 Thu 25-Oct-12 17:09:31

I'm so very sorry. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you cup, and the Teaset. xx

susssiq Thu 25-Oct-12 17:13:55

Didn't log in yesterday, so sad for you and your family, your darling little girl sown on earth to bloom in heaven RIP Beatrice x

Tootsandblanket Thu 25-Oct-12 18:47:24

I'm so sad for you and your family. Beautiful Bea is at rest now. She will never be forgotten. I wish you all strength to cope with the coming days. I cannot imagine your pain. Sending you love and prayers. Beatrice will be in my prayers and I will light a candle for her. You will be with her again one day.

Stay strong.xxx

I found it really difficult to get to sleep last night. I don't know if I dreamed at all, but I woke up feeling so disappointed. I'd really felt like I wanted to sleep and never wake up. But I did wake up so I had to get up. <sigh>

Dh and the girls had already got up and been to the hospice, so I joined them there, but went straight to the Little Room. It was so sad in there today. The candle is still burning, and Beatrice is still tucked up in her basket, but she's gone now. I think she was still there last night when I cuddled her, but this morning, she'd gone. Her skin is paler and when I lifted her little head to sniff her hair, some bloodied saliva came out of her mouth and nose. So sad. I'm not sure if I'll go back to see her again. I'm aching to, but it's not her now, just her body. And it was a beautiful comfort to touch the shape of her body through the blanket and hold her hands and squeeze her feet, but her eyes are beginning to open, so she doesn't look asleep so much anymore. I don't want to see her vacant eyes, I want to remember them looking at me and communicating in a way no one else understood.

I spoke to my mum, and she was packing away Beatrice's things for the move. Tomorrow someone is collecting all of her medical equipment and left over milk. I felt overwhelmed with sadness that I'll never see those things again. Her medical equipment was such a huge part of our lives these past 13 months, it seems unbelievable that I'll never see them again. I've asked that nobody washes her blankets of the huge zebra cushion she slept on. I'm hoping they might smell a little of her. I really hope they've not been packed into a bin bag that might smell...

There's a couple here at the hospice with their baby who is about 3 weeks old. He came straight from hospital to here. I spoke to his mum a while and it made me thankful. Thankful that Beatrice spent most of her life at home, and joined in with our family life. Thankful that she met so many people and saw so many things. She loved the cinema, didn't she?! She wasn't so keen on the beach though, and wasn't pleased when dh helped her to hold snow smile

Dd2 asked today if Beatrice would have clothes in heaven. I said she would, so she wondered who would get her dressed now. Dd2 thinks that Grandad (my dad) will. I said there might be a mummy who's died who might like to help with Beatrice. We talked about the funeral a little bit- dd2 wants us to sing This Little Guiding Light of Mine, because we sang it every night in Lourdes, and we helped her hold up her little index finger and join in the actions. Dd1 wants to release balloons, like we did at my dad's funeral. I thought it might be nice to release one balloon for each day of her life.

Dh and I have chosen to have a wicker coffin for Beatrice. I think it might be a little bit softer and less scary-looking.

Thank you for all the lovely replies on here, I'll go through and re-read them one day.

ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul Thu 25-Oct-12 19:07:07

Oh Cup

I think wicker will be just perfect.

You are so brave.

expatinscotland Thu 25-Oct-12 19:08:26

Oh, cups, I still have dreadful trouble sleeping 4 months on.

A wicker coffin sounds lovely!

Still burning Aillidh's candle for you all.

sittinginthesun Thu 25-Oct-12 19:14:03

So very very sorry. Thinking of you and sending love. X

JustFabulous Thu 25-Oct-12 19:24:16

<<<<<cup>>>>>

wicker is perfect for Beatrice.

Your DDs are so kind and thoughtful.

BeaWheesht Thu 25-Oct-12 19:24:33

I'm so sorry you've lost your beautiful baby Beatrice. She was and always will be so, so loved.

Thinking of you all

Oh cup my lovely. All the decisions you didn't ever want to have to make. See how you feel each day about visiting her. You will know what's right for you. Well done you for handling it all so beautifully with your big girls and for involving them in the funeral plans. So hard but it will mean so much to them.

We had a wicker casket for Erin for the same reason. The florist threaded it all over with beautiful delicate meadow flowers. Perhaps yours could thread some primroses for little Bea.

Sleep when you can. I found I slept in fits and starts for months xxxx

Portofino Thu 25-Oct-12 19:37:09

Oh Cup - there are no words. You and your family remain in my thoughts. Wishing you all much love and strength in the days ahead xxx