Mum died...thrown out of house day of her funeral..don't even know where she is buried

(35 Posts)
Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 10:34:00

Hi sorry for the long subject title ...long story (sorry)
Mum died 3 months ago...both parents in their 80s I done everything for them from cutting toe nails to washing their hair....
Not close to rest of my family ...they treated me like doormat ...on day of funeral my sister attacked me ..
And my dad ordered me to leave the house ..
I never went to her funeral ..I haven't seen her grave ...I only know what cemetery she is buried in...but I don't know where...
It is a shocking story ...its a conversation stopper..I've become addicted to sleeping tablets ...and have had to receive counselling ..which has helped....
I know I need to find closure and visit her grave ....but I can't ..I vowed never to return to my home town..and that's where she is buried ..
I have had no contact with any of my family ...and never will again...even if my dad died ..i wouldn't be interested ...
I can't grieve for her properly ...I'm so angry with them ...I wish them only ill will and unhappiness for the rest of their lives ...
Friends and husband ..daughter have been very supportive ..
But I can't forgive or forget ..

mirry2 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:37:28

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Why did your df throw you out. if you were looking after them until then, who is looking after your df now?

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 10:47:55

I am estranged from my brother and sister ....they treated me like a doormat for years when I grew a backbone and stood up for myself they didn't like it ...hadn't spoken for years ...don't even wish me or my daughter (11yrs old) merry Xmas or even send her a card ...family very dysfunctional...but I was close to both parents ...sister attacked me on day of the funeral ...basically because I wasn't speaking enough too her..my dad took her side ..when she cried " she attacked me" .... I was told too leave ...and I did ..
Don't know whos looking after my dad...i have a brother who still lives at home ..so I guess he's present in the house ...doubt he's actually looking out for anyone other than himself..... My sister lives 100 miles away ...visits twice a year ....

TheDreadedFoosa Mon 22-Oct-12 10:50:27

You cant just ask someone where your mother is buried?

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 10:55:24

I guess there will be a caretaker / groundsman at the cemetery....who could help....problem is ....I can't even bring myself to go....I vowed never too return to the area ....and i can't break that promise to myself..... But I need closure ...just building up the courage to go I guess ...

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 22-Oct-12 10:59:16

You're being held by your own promise to yourself when you know that breaking it would be better for you?

i'm really sorry for what you're going through.

Have you talked to your counsellor about all this?

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 11:05:04

Spoke to counsellor in length about what happened ....he also said I need closure ..I need to visit her grave ....also said I should do it privately on my own...doctor said the same ....I know my mum would be angry at how I was treated ...hard to believe I done everything for them all the fetching and carrying .....nursed her back to health and back on her feet when she broke her hip beginning of the year ...whilst the rest sat in pubs ...I was taking her to the toilet and helping her get dressed ...families huh

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 22-Oct-12 12:49:02

yy you need to visit her grave, it will help you.

Is there a day you can go this week?

queenebay Mon 22-Oct-12 12:55:45

Similar story here and we phoned local council if its a council cemetery who told us location of internments..

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 12:56:07

I can't even face going this week ....even tho it's been over 3 months since she died ...think part of the reason is I don't want to meet any so called family at the cemetery either ...at times I think I will never visit her final resting place ..

whattodoo Mon 22-Oct-12 12:59:53

I think it would help you enormously to visit her grave.

But if you don't feel you can do so at the moment, why don't you have a small ceremony by yourself (or with your close family if possible), by planting a tree in memory of your Mum in your own garden (if you have one). Somewhere you can visit whenever you wish.

MrsjREwing Mon 22-Oct-12 13:06:42

It is unlikey your ill Dad, lazy brother or 100 miles away sister will visit the grave and very unlikely at the same time as you.

As you say, typical for the softest, nicest person to be the scapegoat.

chipmonkey Mon 22-Oct-12 13:07:01

Starlite, I'm so very sorry that you've been treated this way by your family.

I know you vowed never to go back to your home town but you don't have to keep every vow you make in anger.

You need to visit your Mum's grave. If it's a council cemetery, the council will have a record of the grave.
If a church grave, I know that the office attached to our local church have a list of graves, who's buried there and a map so you can find it. There will be a record.

Find out where it is, pick a day, have a posy of your Mum's favourite flowers made up and place them there, for her and for you.. You don't need to put a card with your name on if you don't want to.

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 13:09:46

Whattodoo....that's a good idea ...guess I've been that wrapped up in hatred these past few months ...I can't see past that day and relive it in my head....it would be comforting to look out my window and see a tree and think of her...only thing I have is 2 old photographs which i carry with me in my purse ...at sad times like this families should stick together...not set out to destroy each other ...the only thing i done to my siblings was object to them treating me like a door mat ...maybe that comes with being the youngest in the family ..

MrsjREwing Mon 22-Oct-12 13:11:28

oh and your F, the old fool will be sat there ill with a layabout son, fuming with himself and twisting blame to stop the guilt, deep down he knows he cut his nose off to spite his face. No doubt his vow is stopping him too.

Go to the grave love, do it for you and your Mum.

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 13:13:21

Thanks for all your advice and encouragement ...it took a lot of courage for me to post my story too you....I promise I will visit her grave ...I will try and go within the next few weeks ...

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 13:21:44

Agree with what others have said.
The bottom line is you need to look after yourself.
By making that vow to yourself, you are not looking after and loving yourself,which is very very important.
Same actually with visiting the grave.
Your mother would have wanted you to look after yourself,and to visit your mums grave.
Also,what about your dad. After a while,you may feel strong enough to check up on him,even if you dont actually visit him yet.

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 13:28:11

Amillionyears....I will never visit him again.....if I got a phone call tomorrow to say he had passed away ...I wouldn't even attend his funeral...doubt I would even shed a tear....he hurted me the most ..when he showed me the door...never even asked why there was a fight ...his last word to me was 'out'

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 13:31:57

Even if they begged forgiveness from their deathbed ....I would still turn my back on them...I can't forgive and forget ..

throckenholt Mon 22-Oct-12 13:37:33

>I can't forgive and forget ..

Until you can get past this you are not going to get closure. I understand it is all recent, but at some stage you have to learn to let go - otherwise you won't recover from it. And if that happens - then ultimately they have won. You need to be the grown up, come to terms with it, and get on with your life.

How you do that - only you can tell. Visiting the grave may help, making your won version may help, something else may work - but whatever it is, you owe it to yourself (and your daughter) to work it out and get over it.

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 13:38:11

You dont have to forget.
But forgiveness always helps you yourself,not just others.

There is a phrase,hate the sin,love the sinner.
Always very difficult to do.
But that way you can start to leave go of all your hurt.

You can hate his behaviour as much as you want to.

What was he like when you were growing up?

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 13:49:20

He was a great dad....both parents where ..he worked hard we didn't have a lot of money but we always appreciated things ...I was close to my siblings as well when we where young ...sister 18 months older...brother 12 years older so probably closer to sister due to ages...both parents heavy drinkers when they where older ...argumentative but not violent ....but it did cause problems ..I didn't like them drinking ...I asked them to cut back they refused ...they lived their lives ..we lived ours ...just over the last 5 years things became strained between siblings ...bro was coming to my house drinking ordering me and my daughter about ...to fetch and carrry for him..he seemed to think he's the oldest so he can do as he pleases..... My sister ..well she's a different kettle of fish ....I called her one night to chat ...she said I'm too busy making dinner I will call back ...and she never did ...can't even call me on Xmas day to wish me a merry Xmas ....and my brother ...he can't even send my daughter whos his goddaughter a card on her birthday ...

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 14:15:59

You have posted quite little things that your bro and sister did and didnt do. I presume there is a whole lot more? And more serious stuff?
Because we can all get little stuff wrong occasionally,or cause upsets unintentionally. we can all forget to call back sometimes,or not buy a card when perhaps we should have done.

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 14:17:19

There is also the "stately homes " thread running on MN for dysfunctional families? Have you read any of it or seen it?

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 14:20:55

No millionyears...that's basically all that happened ...one row with my brother and he's never spoken to me for years ....and my sister ..well that's basically how she stopped speaking too me ...I called her she was too busy ...I tried calling several times ...but she was always too busy ..or just going out and just about to have a bath ...I soon got the message she didn't want to speak ...there was nothing more ....

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 14:23:59

No ..I haven't seen that thread

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 14:27:34

re your sister. Ah, I see.
What did you say to her before that night you called her to chat?

And when you spoke to your bro about the card,what did you and him say then if you can remember? I always do bear in mind with some men though,they are a bit notorious about this sort of thing. My DH,even now,loads of years of marriage,cannot remember dates of anything,even dates of his childrens birth,let alone buy a card. I have to remind him every year that my birthday is coming up

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 14:37:15

I had taken her kids on holiday with me ...the last conversation I had with her was how much they enjoyed themselves ...and my brother lived at home ...men do forget birthdays etc ...but my mum wouldn't ...she used to buy cards for all the kids for Xmas birthday Easter ....he put my daughters in the bin ...but send the others their cards ...I never mentioned the card situation till after my mum died ..when I told them what I thought of them...by all means fall out with me and my husband ...but not a child ...it happened for every birthday Xmas etc for the past 5 years ..so wasn't just a once off ...ps my mum told me what become of the cards she bought him to send ..he's just a very bitter person ...he even expected my mum to do his washing and ironing for him when she had a broken hip ..till I told him otherwise ...

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 14:42:34

My sister was always very dry on the fone and with sending texts ....it was always me who texted her or foned her ...never the other way about ...she was the same with my parents ...called once In a blue moon...she used to always tell them she's busy with the kids and work ...I work ..I have a family ..but I always found time...

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 14:47:55

They appear to have both cut you off,and do not want to get in contact again for the forseeable. That is a shame. And you were generous taking her kids on holiday with you.

In which case, I think that with your bro,sister and dad,we are back to the posts up to and including 13.38pm.

And i would recommend you look up on search the stately homes threads. I think they may be currently on thread 5.

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 14:49:43

Some people do not behave nicely,and we cannot force them to I'm afraid.
It then comes down to looking after ourselves.

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 14:55:37

Thanks for the advice ...million ...every family has a black sheep ...guess I'm it ...I will search for that thread about the dysfunctional families ...

amillionyears Mon 22-Oct-12 15:05:08

You are not the black sheep. Their behaviour makes them the black sheep!

JuliaScurr Mon 22-Oct-12 15:20:43

thanks brew

is there anyone you really trust who can go with you? if not, take your phone and take us so you can express your feelings and get support
you might find it helps to have a tree/plaque/bench somewhere special to visit instead of the grave

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 15:26:26

Hi Julia ...someone suggested I plant a tree in the garden to remember her ..which I'm going too do this week end ...I have a very close friend who has been a great support to be ..she actually wanted to go to funeral with me ..but I said no ..I was embarrassed at how my family treat me ..I'm glad she didn't come tbh she has fiery red hair and a fiery personality to match ...and I think she would have killed my sister ..

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