For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

(421 Posts)
mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:06:16

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:51:28

I do hope that you will all be able to find it.I wasnt able to link to the old one.Think its time for a new computer.

Pammym Thu 27-Sep-12 15:00:01

Have just found this thread. I lost my lovely Dad in April and I am still raw with grief - it is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. My mum died 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my DS and that was hard but now I have lost both it is almost unbearable some days.

My Dad lived with my sister and I used to see him once a month or so, he would come and stay with me some weekend and we'd speak regularly. Problem is that I go through some days and almost kid myself that his death hasn't really happened and then it will suddenly hit me like a fist in the chest that actually it has and I have grief stricken again. I feel so sad that my children didn't have more time to know him - he absolutely adored them. I think I have been quite depressed too. My patience with the children is quite short, I have been drinking lots of wine and eating too much. I am dreading Christmas already.

mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 16:56:28

Pammym i am so sorry that you are having to go through this terrible time too.There are so many of us.I also think my mum is still here with me.I have got a bit further on than you because my mum died before Xmas last year and so we had the "first" on quite soon after she died.Its such a terible time isnt it.I actuall coped with Xmas as for the first time ever i had my day arranged by famly and i didnt have to do anything.I found being with others helped enormously.It was new years eve that was the worst for me and i could not even go to my sons new years eve party.I stayed at home and just cried.What i am dreading now is getting to the first anniversary of mums death.I did do something to make me feel a little better at xmas time ,i put up one of the previous cards that my mum had sent me and dh ,so i still had a card that said " to my daughter" I still cannot believe she isnt here and i dont know when it will all feel real.he last few months i think i have been in a constant dream world ,despite being executor [ along with a brother ] and having to do so much.Now if you asked me how we went about things ,i would say " i have no idea" iI just signed where i was told to,and my brother took control,thank god.You will find that others feel the same as you in so many ways,and it does help to speak to people in the same position.

Pammym Thu 27-Sep-12 22:01:27

(((()))) thanks mummylin. So sorry for your loss. My GP recommended counselling but actually I think threads like yours are sometimes as helpful - just need to vent how I feel to others who know. xxx

Hi there,

My dad died at the end of May. I still don't know how I feel - relieved in a way because he'd been ill for such a very long time, and it was the right thing for him (and for my Mum who was his carer for so long). But increasingly sad that he isn't here any more. It's really taking its time to sink in but I feel as though it's starting to impact on me now, and the sadness is replacing the relief that he isn't suffering any more.

The odd thing is that I haven't really cried much. I hadn't seen him since November because we live abroad, but I know he knew how much I loved him. I feel guilty about the lack of tears, but if I start to feel sad I actively push the thought away. Maybe if I start I'll be overwhelmed!

Anyway, I went to a reflexologist last night and at the end she said that my kidneys were struggling a bit and asked how much water I drank a day. When I told her that it was almost 3 litres, she immediately said, "Aah, then it's an emotional difficulty. The kidneys cry the tears that the world doesn't see." It makes sense ...

Hope you're all OK. It's an odd world when you've lost a parent, isn't it? It seems so normal to everyone else, but I'm a different person to who I was before.


mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 09:32:01

hello trulymadlydeeply im sorry that you are on this thread too.yes i agree with you ,the world will never be the same again. I feel lost without her ,even though i have adult children myself.Mum used to always be talking about " when im not here " and i would tell her to stop talking about it as even that used to upset me.The thought was bad enough ,the reality a thousand times worse.I think like you i have tried not to cry too much because we all try to pu a brave face on it.Even my dh thinks i am ok because im not crying every day.He has no idea how upset i feel inside.Even one of my sister in laws said to me ,"oh well its something we all have to face ,we just have to get on with it " but she still has her mum and has no idea how devastating it is.But it does help to chat to others in the same position, as they know exactly how you are feeling.I can see it would be a relief for your dad to be out of his suffering ,and even though this is true,the selfish part of us wants them to be here with us !

shanks313 Fri 28-Sep-12 09:38:52


My mum died from cancer 5 weeks ago today.We thought she was getting better but suddenly went downhill within a week.
I have moments when im okay but then i miss my mum so much.I miss her calls everyday,talking to her about anything..the hugs.
I feel sad that she was so close to my dds but she will never see them grow up..she died 1 week before my youngest started school.
Everyone says look at the happy times but all I think about at the moment is how she was in the last week.

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 09:54:39

shanks313 I am sorry for you terrible loss.I guess as well as the grief you also had a trrible shock when you had thought your mum was recovering.We had something similar and i think the unexpected shock made it seem even worse.I think for me its a case of getting through each day ,but not a day goes by without me thinking of her or talking to her photo.I have no idea when it will sink in that this is all really true.I still think mum will be round soon as usual for a cuppa.She was a huge part of all of our lives [ siblings].I am very lucky in that have a very close family,emotionally and geographically so we see each other lots.I have to say that all my brothers [ 3 ] have been so good to me.My sister lives in another part of the country and is busy with 6 month old twins,and i lost a sister when she was 26yrs old ,so i am the only girl here,so they spoil me !I would be lost without them all.You are still in the very early stages of your grief and there will be days when you feel fine ,then the next day you may feel crushingly sad.Its a mixture of every emotion going i think and each day you have to face anew.Its fine to cry and its also fine to have a little chuckle.

Flosie1989 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:08:23

Hi ladies.

I lost my mum 2 and a half years ago and still feels as raw as it first did. Having my 20 week old DD is helping me in the grieving process but also making it harder at the same time....if that makes sense?

Sometimes I send my mum a text message telling her how i feel and how much I miss her. Might sound silly but it helps to stop me from crying when I'm really crying.

I'm sorry for everyone's loss on here. It really is an awful time and I hope you all find a way to get through it. Xx

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 16:55:00

Flosie1989 How sad to feel so unhappy quite a time after.I am glad that you now have a little baby which hopefully will bring you a lot of happiness and maybe lift the grief you are still feeling about your mum.But i suppose that none of our mums have ever gone completely when we have children ,because without our mums having us ,there would be no other generation to follow ,if that makes sense.

Dinosaurhunter Fri 28-Sep-12 17:08:26

Hi so sorry for everyone's lost.
My beautiful mum died 2 months ago she was only 49 . It's a very sad complex story but she had cancer that she kept a secret but then developed a serious chest infection and died within a few weeks . I cannot describe the pain I feel and at times anger I feel like she gave up on life and left me , which I know is selfish but I miss her so much .

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 19:28:59

Oh Dinosaurhunter What a young age your poor mum was.No wonder you are in so much pain.I can understand that sometimes you feel anger,but that is all part of grief. Grief is not set in stone and its different for everybody.I too have felt anger but not at my mum ,at the hospital where she was taken ,but this is in fact very unkind of me because they did their best and were so kind to her.I suppose i was looking for someone to blame.But i am over the anger bit now ,just filled with emptiness really.I really hope that over the coming months and weeks you will be able to gain some kind of peace.

Dinosaurhunter Fri 28-Sep-12 20:57:17

Thank you for your kind words mummylin , it still feels so raw and dream like as you mentioned before I keep expecting to feel mum again or hear her voice but it never happens.

Pammym Sat 29-Sep-12 18:42:27

Shanks - (((()))) how awful for you - your mum was only a year older than me - so so sorry. My dad was much older (84) so I know I was very lucky to have him for so long but it was similar to your experience in that it was a huge shock when he died. We thought he was on the road to recovery after a broken leg, then he caught pneumonia and died within a couple of days. Me and my sister had to decide to turn off the ventilator and we were there - am crying as I type :-(. I still have his voice messages on my mobile. I feel guilty because I am crying more over my dad than when I lost my mum but I think its the impact of now being without both parents that has hit hard.

Big hugs to everyone. Hope this forum is helping you - it is certainly doing me good to write down my feelings.

Sorry for your losses.

Truly's post struck a nerve. I lost my mum 3 months ago, 3 days before I had DD2. The first thing I felt was relief that she wasn't suffering any more, followed by wondering what she was experiencing - floating? Swirling? Something like being on a rollercoaster? Where was she? I had that "silver lining" song in my head as I felt that she was everywhere and nowhere.

She lived abroad, we'd seen her earlier in the year and she wasn't at all well. A "good day" meant she'd been able to lift her hands up to her face. It still feels as if she could still be there, because I didn't see her every day.

I too didn't cry much and feel as if I haven't cried all my tears & I don't want to cry in front of DH in case he tells me something like she's in a better place or remember the happy times or to buck up - I'm probably maligning him by even thinking he'd say something like that but I really don't want to find out. It would make me feel that my feelings aren't valid.

I've started to feel angry and irritated over everything. People not putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, jocular comments from strangers about drink driving as I weave ineptly with the pushchair (carrying sleepy DD1), I just think F off. I see mums out with their mums and just watch them.

Thanks for this thread, it's good to get some feelings down.

Flosie1989 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:29:12

Im reading the newest posts and feel so sad that so many people are going through such heartache.

Losing a parent is truly horrific no matter what the circumstances.

My mum was 50 when she was rushed to hospital on a Friday and died in hospital the following Thursday. I didn't leave her side. When I had to leave to go to the loo I used to run down the corridor to the loo and run back again just in case she needed me whilst I was gone. I slept on the floor in her hospital room, sharing a single mattress with my older sister.

She died just 3 weeks before my 21st birthday. I cancelled my party as couldn't face anyone. My mum had actually bought my birthday card but hadn't written it out yet so I've kept it nice and safe still in its packaging <3

Miss her so much xxxx

TheFarSide Sat 29-Sep-12 22:46:53

Hi mummylin - thinking of you as we both approach the one year anniversary of losing our mums last year. Almost one year on, the daily raw grief is gone but I can feel my defences breaking down as the date approaches. My condolences to all of you who have lost a beloved parent recently (or not so recently) - those early days can be very very painful.

Flosie1989 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:55:38

I've just text my mum again telling her how much I miss her. Just a bit of advice for those of u who have recently lost a parent - on my mums birthday and leading up to Christmas I go to the same place where I scattered her ashes and send a Xmas card/birthday card up to the sky attached to helium balloons. I watch them fly higher and higher and it's very comforting. smile

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 00:39:16

Hello TheFarSide where have the past few months gone ? it only seems a couple of weeks ago i was chatting to you.Yes its nearly that time and i for one when will be glad when its over.I am dreading it far more than when it was mums birthday,i just know i am going to relive the whole day over again.It still seems like just the other day,i cant believe all this time has gone.For all the other posters who have joined this thread,Im sorry that you have, but glad too if that makes any sense.I know at times i have felt that i am the only one ever to of lost a mum ,which i know is ridiculous,but thats how i did feel.But it certainly made me feel so not alone when i first joined a bereavement thread on here for people who were just like us.I hope that we can all help each other and in particular the posters who are newly bereaved as we all know how devastating it is.

RoxyRobin Sun 30-Sep-12 00:55:30

My mother died three years ago and I so much miss being able to unburden myself to her.

She had her faults, as we all do, but I have never known a better listener. All the problems I've had over the years seemed less daunting after I'd recounted them to her. She didn't force advice on me, but I felt better able to cope after one of our sessions.

What a hole she's left in my life was brought home to me after I'd seen my consultant this week. In the old days she'd have been on the phone to ask how I'd got on and listen sympathetically to my woes. I came back to an empty house and just sat down and cried. I felt so silly crying for my mum at the age of 57, but just couldn't help it.

t875 Sun 30-Sep-12 01:08:41

Hi everyone!

Been hard going here as its been my mums birthday which was so hard sad
We also let off a balloon on the day with a message attached.

Its been 5 months and i deseperately want to hear her voice or her call me i just want to talk to her and have her talk back. It kills and hits me bad when i realise i havent spoke to her. Some days a little easier though.

I miss her loads and with my daughter started seniors and my eldests birthday next week i know my mum would be very involved wth it, and her not here to share it all with hurts so

Still can't quite believe the day before we were having a laugh about fish and chips! Then she has such a significant stroke she didn't wake up. sad

Really feel my dad is struggling more than he's letting on too!! So not easy!
Hugs to everyone on this thread and thinking of you all x

Solo Sun 30-Sep-12 12:35:52

Hi mummylin I have the previous thread link HERE

Best wishes to you all; it's a tough old road to walk down.
Found out yesterday that my Dad's sister died last month, which brought Dad to the front of my thoughts and upset me all over again. Aunt was not a nice woman, so I'm hoping that she's not pestering my dear, gentle Dad...

Galaxymum Sun 30-Sep-12 12:37:27

I'm so relieved to find this thread and seeing there are other people going through the same trauma. My mum died in August after several months of terrible pain. She fell while in hospital in February and broke her hip and top of her femur. Basically she never got over it, never got her mobility back and didn't return home. It was several months of constant worry over what would happen till July when the surgeon said she needed a second op as the first one failed - but said it was high risk and she might die.

We had that life/death choice that was no choice. She was living in a te,porary care home and couldn't even stand or sleep in a bed but was stuck in a wheelchair then armchair at night as it took 2/3 carers to move her. I had to agree to an op that I knew could kill her.

She had the op 30th July and seemed to be recovering but wasn't eating. Then the next weekend I found her back in bed and in a lot of pain and she went on morphine. Monday she was back up and sat up and chatty with my DD. But said her tummy hurt. Tuesday morning they rang me that she had a major haemorrhage; over the next day it kept happening and by Wednesday evening I just had that feeling. The doctor rang me at 11.20pm and I rushed down - she died within 10 minutes of me being alone with her.

I'm devastated. I hurt so much - physically hurt from the pain of missing her. I've never felt anything like this in my life. I cry racking great sobs on my own. I'm an only child and I just feel all out of balance! I have a lovely DH and DD but no one at my other side! My dad died in 1998, and there was me and my mum as she was an only child too. We were companions and best pals. I saw her every day, talked to her several times a day and that gap is massive. I'm trying to fill it with positive activities, but emotionally and inside it can't be filled. I'm screaming inside I want my mum.

I haven't faced up to burying her ashes yet - that finality I think I'm in denial in. There is still her inquest to face in December and it feels it's dragging out the causes which I don't want to hear again. Probate is so complicated and hard work (luckily DH is doing the forms). But I feel torn between wanting to keep my memories and move forward and knowing I have to go back over the trauma of the falls and the op again.
Sorry for the long post!

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 18:52:05

Galaxymum what a terrible shock for you,my mums death was a shock too ,not expected at all and somehow i think this made it even worse.Its so hard to carry on everyday life without them isnt it.But its such early days for you and you are bound to feel so sad as its not long ago.I know that all our mums would want us to get on with our lives and try not to be sad ,but to be honest i dont see how it can be that way.Its just mind numbing grief.
Solo thankyou for posting the link , i too hope your aunt is not giving your dad any hassle ! maybe the tables have turned and he is doing it back to her!
t875 Its horrible isnt it when normally you would be giving your mum a card and a gift.It sort of makes you realise that yes they really have gone.Although in saying that ,i strangely feel my mum is here ,but my realistic side knows she isnt.I have been to the cemetery today to take her and my sister some fresh flowers,so i had a little chat.We have a photo on her headstone so i can see her as im wittering away.I was a bit dismayed because on my sisters grave [ next door to mum ] ages ago i placed a little cross which said " to my sister " followed by a little verse.Well anyway it had broken.The cross has broken off from the base.So i have bought it home and dh is going to try and mend it for me. To all of you ,we will get through this terrible time ,it will just take time,and we will have happy days again,but we will never forget the loved ones we have lost.We can all do this together.None of us are alone as this thread shows x

Solo Sun 30-Sep-12 19:25:54

You're welcome mummylin I'm glad to help. Thank you for your thoughts.x

Dizzydora71 Sun 30-Sep-12 22:05:24

Hello everyone. Its been 10 months since my dad passed away he was in remission from throat cancer for 2 years . He started getting sore throats pain,couldnt keep food down.Went into hospital for pneumonia where they found shadow on xray.Was told he had a year to live then 8 weeks .it was such a shock he lasted 10 weeks and passed away in a hospice. I have good and bad days . But feel now people expect me to be over it and make me feel awkward on my bad days x

oneandnomore Sun 30-Sep-12 22:52:09

So sorry for everyone's losses. Sending hugs and peace to you all.
I lost my dad 7 years ago, and my mum 5 years ago. All I can say is, yes, the grief and pain are terrible, it is a truly awful time.
But you will learn to live with it, because we have to for our children, family. I don't allow myself to think of the last days with them, and I do still have very down times. Counselling can help, I had CBT but am not sure it really helped me, but I have a friend who has ongoing counselling and she gets a lot from it.

Remember the happy times, our parents wouldn't want us to be so very sad.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 22:52:46

Dizzydora71 sorry you have had to join us here.It appears that you lost your dad about the same time i lost my mum.I dont know about you ,but it still seems like only last week.You are right in saying that people expect you to have " got over it " They can only see the outside persona of us,they dont see the heartache we are feeling inside.And i think to some extent its probably our own fault, because when someone asks me how i am i just say " im fine thanks " when really im feeling the exact opposite ! Im sorry you didnt get as long with your dad as you had expected.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 22:57:01

oneandnomore you have had a sad few years and double the grief.Im glad to see that you say you can now live with it.I will be happy when i get to be able to say that.I know it will come one day,but for me its not in the near future.At least eventually we will all have some peace of mind and better acceptance of what has happened.You have shown that.

Dizzydora71 Sun 30-Sep-12 23:06:42

Hi mummylin. I just remember how people treated me when my dad died , it was like they didnt know what to say to me or avoid me. Now people ask you how you are but you can see by their faces they dont really want to know. I dont think it helped with me that my dads gf kept talking funeral arrangements over my dads bed while in the hospice. I couldnt cope with what she was saying spent most of time crying.She totally turned on my brothers and sisters when she realised my dad didnt bequeath her any money went mental calling my brothers and sisters all tbe names under the sun.She wouldnt let us help with the funeral or wake.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 23:57:14

Oh thats awful Dizzy,sounds like you had a terrible situation in the family.As if losing your dad wasnt bad enough.How cruel to talk about his funeral while he was in the hospice. I was very lucky ,we had nothing like that to cope with.My neighbour who has lived next door to me for about 26 yrs has not even to this day acknowledged my mums death.And i am pretty pissed off about it ,because when his wife went off and he was left with the childen ,my mum knitted for them as he had no money.He has not even said " sorry to hear about your mum " just nothing at all .So i barely speak to him anymore.I felt / feel very hurt

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 11:14:30

can anyone please leave a link to this thread on the thread that solo has linked to.I dony know why but my comp will not allow me to do it or even open the old thread.TIA

wisden Mon 01-Oct-12 11:19:13

Glad I found this thread. Soon it will be 20years since my mum died suddenly, have spent more than half my life without her. Still miss her. The pain isn't as raw but it is still there, like a dull ache. Bizarrely (sp) I still get the odd moment when I think of ringing her to tell her about something the DC have done but yet she never knew me as an adult or as a parent. I still dream about her, only a couple of times of year but the dreams are so vivid it is like I can touch her.
Sorry to those who have lost parents more recently, it is crap, really crap.

crazy8 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:35:46

It was two years yesterday that I lost my dad. I still can't believe he isn't here any more. He spoilt me and made feel so loved. Sometimes I feel i am mangaing the pain of grief and on other days I miss him so much I can't breathe.

My dad was I'll for a while but he was so strong that he overcame every hurdle. I truly believed he would be here forever. We had our arguments but we never held a grudge. I still hear him shouting at me to sort out my car!

I feel so incredibly sad that he is not here enjoying his grandchildren. He loved them so very much. He would secretly give my DD chocolate which we only found out about recently and my DS loved helping him fix things.

Sometimes I pretend he is just in the other room or when I am my parents house I pretend he is tending the garden. I would do anything to give him another hug. Sometimes when my phone rings I think for a split second it's my dad calling me. Then I remember.

I miss him so much. Thank you for this thread, I really needed it today. I feel so alone but it helps that I am not the only one who feels this pain.

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:08:20

I will do that now mummylin

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:10:32

Done! should've thought of it before really.

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 15:27:11

crazy8 i havent done it with my mum ,but when my sister died i used to imagine she was in australia ! that way she was still alive.I hope you managed to cope with the anniversary yesterday.I have started to mope about the forth coming day already as its the beginning of the month that my mum died.I have no idea how to switch of my mind about it and as it gets closer i think i will get more and more upset.Isnt it strange how so many of us still associate the phone with our mums / dads even though we know they are not here.
solo thanks for that.Think i need a new comp!
wisden I cant imagine spending 20yrs without my mum.But im sure your memories are as clear today as when she died.Our mums are so special aren't they.I know i will never be the same person again.

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 15:29:34

I do get quite annoyed with my dh ,who seems to act as though nothing has happened and that i am now " back to normal " Do any of you get the same thing ?

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:31:39

You know; I sometimes text my Dad's mobile phone number. I tell him about whatever and I tell him how much I miss him etc...I kinda like doing it ~ it's comforting. Would be one hell of a shock if I got a reply though!

Pammym Mon 01-Oct-12 16:48:39

Shanks - sorry, just realised I got completely muddled up with my post the other day and addressed it to you but it was about someone else. Huge apologies, hope I didn't upset you. x

hellymelly Mon 01-Oct-12 16:53:24

It was my Dad's funeral on Friday, so i'm still in the shocked stage. Somehow the funeral was bearable, I didn't even properly cry, I was holding it all in as my brother was a broken man and my Mum is elderly and frail. Then the next day I caved in and I feel terrible. Its all so raw I wasn't sure if I could post but here I am. I suddenly realised yesterday that this year there would be no birthday card from Dad, and that one thought was devastating.

Dinosaurhunter Mon 01-Oct-12 17:51:08

Mummylin - I totally understand the husband thing , but for me it's some of my friends , I had to listen today to someone talking about her fish dying and she was actually crying ! I just wanted to shout my MUM has died and I'm not at the school gates crying , but once I have these thoughts I feel really selfish and realise its all relative .

Dinosaurhunter Mon 01-Oct-12 17:55:54

Hellymelly - so sorry for the loss your dad those early days are so hard and feel like a bad dream , I have so many people around me but feel so lonely without mum like I'm the only one in pain ? Anyone else feel like that .

lovemydogs Mon 01-Oct-12 19:56:43

my mum died 10 years ago and my dad 10 months ago - I am never married, no kids, early 40s. All my friends still have both parents, most are married with children. Alot of the time I feel that I will never be happy again. I still feel too young to be on my own. I gave up work for 2 years to care for my father. It was a draining couple of years but would do it a million times over as we were never close before and we became closer. I get upset as I feel people expect me to be over losing my dad - especially my boyfriend who says "sweetheart, be positive, you are young and pretty and will have plenty of money". I feel angry as well. As I said, I do have a bf but we do not live together and he is very much a pull yourself together sort of person. I still feel that I need my parents. I think about my dad all the time. Feel sad, feel guilty, feel relieved in a way as he had no quality of life (feel bad for saying that), just feel messed up. Am seeing a therapist but it is slow going. Have ended up as a bit of a binge eater too.
Thanks for reading xxxx

Pammym Mon 01-Oct-12 21:12:17

Hellymelly - so very sorry, it's all so fresh and raw for you. I lost my lovely dad in April and it has left such a huge unfillable gap in my life. I am doing ok most days but some days the grief just hits me again like a ton of bricks. Be kind to yourself, cry lots and please keep posting on here. It is certainly helping me.

Dinosaurhunter - I relate to you wanting to shout about your mum dying when others are complaining about relatively trivial stuff. A friend of mine was moaning because her mum lives too far away and she can't see her often enough - I felt like shouting 'at least you still have your mum!'. It's really hard sometimes to be sympathetic...

crazy8 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:56:33

Mummylin and lovemydogs, I get the husband/partner thing. Although my DH tries to be understanding and he thinks he's really sensitive sometimes he says the strangest of things. A few days after my dad passed away my DH told me about all the wonderful people I would meet in the future like my DC's partners I was like huh! confused. I had to explain that actually my dad had died he hadn't gone on holiday when he told me that his mum was as lonely as my mum because his dad was away for 2 weeks. Again confused!!

crazy8 Tue 02-Oct-12 00:18:58

Mummylin - you are so right about associating the phone with our parents. I can't bear it if my phone isn't charged as I have this feeling that my dad may not be able to get through to me. I was so used to seeing him or speaking to him everyday.

Dinosaurhunter - I realise now that I was probably one of those people who didn't understand grief. I think if someone hasn't lost anyone dear to them they have such a different perception to ours. I read somewhere after my dad died that by being bereaved, I was now part of the biggest club in humanity.

I am so incredibly sorry for everyone's loss on this thread. I found a lot of comfort in talking to people who knew my dad and could tell me about the times they shared with him. Also having photographs on my phone that I could look at whenever I wanted to.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 00:21:03

hellymelly.I know how you feel abput the birthday card ,but do you have one from previous years ? if so stick it up on your birthday.Thats what i did at Xmas and on my birthday.Just a little thing but it made me feel a bit better to see the card saying " to my daughter" I understand your devastation,it is so new and raw for you,but if we can help you we will.
Dinosaurhunter yes i do know what you mean when you say you feel like the only person.i too have felt like that and could not understand how the world was still going on just the same.I would look at people and think * dont they know my mum has died "
lovemydogs if only it was as easy as pulling yourself together ! i suppose for people who have not lost a parent yet they cant possibly understand the depth of the grief,but i do think that people can be very thoughtless sometimes.
Pammym i wish that i could be unhappy because my mum was living somewhere else.I would give anything to know that she had simply moved away. I at least would be able to phone her and hear her voice.I have her on lots of videos ,but i havent played them because i cant face it .I know i just would not be able to stop the tears.But i expect one day i will find them a comfort,just not now.
crazy8 my dh was merrily singing away the otherday to a hymn that was playing on the tele.I glared then shouted at him to shut up as it was one of the hymns we had for mums funeral.Agh ! sometimes i despair.
Hope i didnt leave anyone out.Do any of you feel sick with the terrible feelings that sometimes just come out of the blue ? I can be fine ,then one little thing and i get this awful sick empty feeling inside and i feel my eyes start to prick.But i know its best to cry.When my sister died my mum stayed withus for ten weeks,I did not cry because i didnt want to upset anyone any more than what they were.This was the house where everyone came .So i had to be strong.But ten months later i had to be off work for three months with depression.It was horrible so you see it dosent do you any good to keep it all bottled up.Right off to bed now.Thanks everyone for posting on this thread.Its comforting.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 02-Oct-12 10:06:20

Hi everyone. I posted at the end of the last thread for the first time about losing my mum. It's been almost 10 months now and I still find it hard to believe sad
I think people think I'm fine because I laugh and chat but what no-one knows is that I'm not alright. I'm not good at talking about my feelings so I just carry on as normal. I think about my mum all the time and I miss her so much.

Dinosaurhunter I know how you feel about the woman crying about her fish. The office where I work had a cat that came in every day for food, a couple of weeks ago it had to be put to sleep and everyone was in tears. I'm standing there thinking it's a cat, and not even their cat either. I've lost my mum ffs.
Probably really selfish of me.

mummylin Thank you for starting this new thread. It is comforting to know I'm not alone feeling this way.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 15:06:05

BiscuitsandBaileys i am glad you found the new thread.I feel exactly the same as you.On the outside i appear to be ok ,but inside i am in such despair.In a few weeks it will be a whole year ,but it all seems like yesterday in my mind.I have no idea where the last few months have gone.I find myself re-thinking over things again and again.Was mum scared . did she feel pain,how she never got to say goodbye to any of us becasue it was all so unexpected,all these things plague me constantly and then of course i get upset all over again.The morning she died i had been in the shop to buy her a bag of her favourite sweets which i intended to take her that afternoon.Within an hour of me buying them ,mum had suddenly died.I still gave them to her because i put them in her coffin.Now i cant buy those particular sweets without thinking of my mum all over again and that awful day.Everything revolves around her.No matter what i am doing or who i am with ,my mum is in my mind constantly.It is all so sad and i miss her so much.As you can see by everyone on this thread we all experience very similar things.There are a lot of very hurt people on Mumsnet.

Am very glad to find this thread. So many people hurting sad

My dear Mum died in February from lung cancer. It was a dreadful shock as she was fighting so hard and everyone treating her was so upbeat about her progress. Turns out it had spread everywhere and she had no chance at all. Am so cross with the hospital for not warning us so we could make plans/discuss things. I feel like there was so much left unsaid...

My dh was fantastic during mums illnesses, I couldn't have managed as she lived 200 miles away and I often had to leave things and just go. But I do feel like I'm expected to be OK now and just get on with things. It was my birthday at the weekend and I spent most of the day sobbing, it was so hard. Oh well, one 'first' over and done with. mummylin I'm going to go and try to find an old card from Mum - you're right, it's the gap of no 'To my daughter' which really hurts.

I think I didn't really know what it felt to be bereaved and it's made me realise that maybe I behaved as my friends are now, so I've made a point of checking up on friends who I know have gone through this.... Hope it helps a little!

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 16:57:50

maybeyoushoulddrive I hope you can find a card from your mum ,it made me feel so much better and one of my brothers is going to do it this xmas time too.I also have a rose bush which one of my brothers got me.It is the same name as my mum and is very fragrant.It now has pride of place in my garden.For anyone looking for a special rose there is a very good rose grower called david Austin/ Austen,This is where he got mine from.Its another little link to my mum.I think its such a shame when we dont get to say the things we want / need to say to our loved ones.But maybe if we say them in our mind somehow it will get through to them.I dont know ,i just hope.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 17:02:43

My mum used to talk about " when im not here anymore " and i hated to hear it and would tell her to stop talking about it ,as even the thought of it used to upset me.My mum would be very happy with me this week because i managed to find a home for her knitting machine !! She knew i wouldnt want it and used to worry about who could have it,I put it on mumsnet local and a very nice mumsnetter came and collected it. I know mum would be very glad it now has a good home. And i also got to meet another mumsnetter !

lovemydogs Tue 02-Oct-12 18:54:02

hi everyone - lots of love to you all and hope you are all doing ok today. I am in the middle of the administration of my dad's estate and just sold the family home where I grew up. That was another loss of sorts. Sometimes I think I am obsessed, other times I feel I am just grieving normally. My dogs have helped me get through so far - they are always so pleased to see me and having them has changed my life - truly.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 22:38:10

That in itself is quite stressful isnt it lovemydogs we had to sell my mums bungalow and i found it very upsetting ,especially when the sold board went up.I have not been down my mums road since.I just cant do it.I would hate to see anyone else in her front garden.

The card is up mummylin and it does help, thank you for suggesting itthanks

lovemydogs - great name btw - my dog is such a comfort. He's always loving and ready for a hug. He seems to sense when I'm struggling and is just there IYKWIM?

Selling the house must have been such a wrench - be kind to yourself, it's hard to see the world moving on and changes happening. Dad is still living in their house, which brings its own mixed emotions. It's hard to visit and see all Mums things there, I seem to cry most when I'm there... Goodness knows how Dad manages - I'm hoping he finds it a comfort, he certainly is against moving out!

BiscuitsandBaileys Wed 03-Oct-12 11:21:14

The card is a lovely idea, it's my birthday this month so I will do the same. I knew I kept old cards in the loft for a reason, not just because I'm a hoarder!
Thanks for your reply mummylin. I'm feeling better today, just a bit of a down day yesterday. I also go over and over things in my head, more so lately. The same as you, did she suffer? Was she scared? Most importantly for me, did she hear all the things my dd's told her a few hours before she died, I so hope so sad
Hope everyone is ok today x

Solo Wed 03-Oct-12 11:36:21

I spent several years finding old receipts lying around and checking the dates on them...if they were pre Dad's terminal cancer news, I'd be thinking 'that was when life was ok' or I'd be thinking of what I was doing/buying at that time etc; really odd behaviour. I find myself touching Dad's handwriting on's all part of grief I guess.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:37:48

Glad that the cards will bring you a bit of comfort.I am getting quite edgy as on the 17th of this month my siblings ,dh and my mum went to Barcelona for 5 days .I know on that day that i will also be re-living those few days.We came back on the 21st.Little did we know what was coming just 9 days later.But i will remember one funny incident.My mum said she was going to stay in the hotel to read etc so the rest of us went for a walk.Coming back near the hotel there was a street band playing this lovely music,i looked and there was our mum jigging away in a crowd of people.It was so funny ,especially as she had said she was tired !!! i will remember that always.She looked so happy.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:43:08

Solo i do exactly the same .In fact dh opened a jar of beetroot the other day which mum had done for him and i wanted to keep the jar as it had mum's fingerprints on it !! I have lots of scraps of paper too with her scribblings on them.I also have something very special.I have a lock of her hair which i took whilst at the chapel of rest.I put it in my gold locket.But now of course i wont wear the locket in case i lose it ! Dh has suggested I split the hair and get another locket but i really want to keep the hair as it is.

ByTheWay1 Wed 03-Oct-12 11:45:48

Hi - not my dad - but my FIL ( like my dad since mine died a while ago) died last month - it is hard.....

he was old and infirm - basically had come to the end of his life and just switched off - he was surrounded by family , he fell asleep in front of the TV after a nice lunch and did not wake - it was, I suppose, as "nice" a death as anyone could hope for - but it makes it so hard to grieve as everyone just says -" it was his time, he did not suffer" etc...

but as I read in a card - It is ironic how the presence of an absence can be so devastating.....

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:50:32

BiscuitsandBaileys I am quite sure that your mum would of heard anything that was said to her.I believe that the hearing is one of the last senses to go.After all when people are in a coma you are encouraged to carry on talking to them as normal.So yes your mum probably heard everything.
maybeyoushoulddrive i bet your card now has pride of place ! Its a little thing but it means a lot dosent it.Anything which brings us a bit closer to our loved ones has to be for the good.

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 11:54:58

hello ByTheWay1 yes i too have had several people say to me that if they could go like my mum they would be happy.But to be honest it still dosent make me feel any better.Of course i am glad that my mum didnt suffer with a bad illness and grateful for that.But the shock was enormous and i dont think i will ever get over this.It sounds like you had a lovely realtionship with your FIL

Solo Wed 03-Oct-12 12:03:20

A friend of mine found a piece of toilet tissue in her Mum's bedroom whilst clearing her house sad. It had lipstick blot marks on it smile the other person that was helping, picked it up and threw it in the bin, my friend rescued it and has it in a pretty frame in her own bedroom now; a lovely thing to have.

lovemydogs Wed 03-Oct-12 13:09:09

maybeyoushoulddrive - sounds similar to my dad - lost mum first to cancer and dad wanted to stay in the house - even when he became very frail and poorly 2 years ago he wanted to stay there so gave up work - promised him would do all I could to keep him in there but it was tough and he was a real hoarder - could hardly get in some of the rooms and I ended up with about 100 kitchen rolls new ha ha.

Bytheway - my dad died in his sleep - was not unexpected but still a shock - he wanted to die - he was very frail, so small and thin and had said he wanted to go. I saw him in his coffin - something I did not do with my mum. And the funeral was fantastic - played "You'll never walk alone" - every time I hear it now I choke up but he was a big Celtic fan and it seemed fitting. It's his birthday in a couple of weeks.

I have all sorts of things that were my parents, even things like their old shopping lists and cards I gave them when I was a child. Have lots of photos including their wedding and will collage them when I am up to it.

love to you all I hope you are all doing ok today xxxx

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 16:42:07

Isnt it strange how what some people would call rubbish or even we may have done ourselves,now becomes a treasure to us.

ssd Wed 03-Oct-12 20:21:00

hi, hate to join in with this thread but have no choice

mum died 4 weeks ago, am in limbo

cant leave the past alone, am living in it constantly

maybe its because the present feels so strange and wrong

there are so many posts here I agree with, sorry to not point them all out, but they are there

I feel like the world has turned on its axis and everything is out of balance, every last thing

although I'm stuck in limbo land, I know she has moved on, she has moved on to the next world and isn't in my world anymore, its something I feel definite about

I know she wont come back, she cant

but hopefully she'll send me wee signs to let me know shes still there for me, she sent me one last Sat night and I was so enormously grateful

its an awful awful time and I send hugs to all of us here

shallweshop Wed 03-Oct-12 22:06:34

ssd, so very sorry ((())) I lost my mum 6 years ago and my dad in April. Life is never the same after the loss of a parent as you are realising but it is so lovely that you are getting some sense of your mum still being there for you. I felt that strongly about my mum and dad back in the summer when I had an important decision to make - they were certainly there helping me. Please be kind to yourself and keep posting on here when you need to. Love and hugs. xx

mummylin Wed 03-Oct-12 23:07:08

Hi ssd Im glad you have come over to this thread you can see there are lots of us in the same sort of situation so hopefully it will help you to see how we are all doing and for you to realise that what you are coping with is quite normal.Of course you are devastated.We completely understand that.Do join us and we will try and help you through,in fact we must all help each other.
shallweshop it sounds awful to say welcome to our thread,but i hope you know what i mean.Unlike most of us you have had the horror of losing both parents as have a couple of people on this thread.I really dont know how you get through it all.

Oh ssd it's such early days for you. I felt every one of the emotions you're feeling, it's such a strange other worldly time, when you've got to sort out practical stuff without the person who would usually be the one you'ld talk things through withsad Are you getting any support in RL?

Sending ((())) to everyone on this thread and brew too - one of the last things my Mum said to us was 'be generous with cups of tea, you never know when someone is in desperate need of one but are too proud to ask' so if you're drowning under offers of tea from random strangers you might have met dsis or megrin

shallweshop I can't imagine the pain of losing both parents, how lovely that you have felt their presence so strongly and of course they both live on inside you. xx

BadRoly Wed 03-Oct-12 23:25:51

Another newbie to this thread sad My Dad died in May, 4 days after dh's stepfather. It was a fairly unpleasant time. Day's birthday is looming, he would be 70 this month 3 days before my birthday. The children want to celebrate my birthday. I don't but am going out with good friends anyway. It's crap. Just crap. I just want my Dad back sad

BadRoly Wed 03-Oct-12 23:28:17

Sorry, I went a but it's all about me. I have read all the thread but am on the phone so didn't note names this time. Except SSD I think we were both on a thread? But I'm so sorry any of us have to be here, especially those who have lost both parents.

Solo Thu 04-Oct-12 00:35:01

Ssd they do stay with us I think. They are in our hearts and our memories. And thank goodness for the photograph! I can't imagine not being able to look at my Dad's kind face.

Morning everyone. It's such a relief to have found a 'home' here, with people who understand. I think until you've gone through losing a parent you don't really understand the pain and how it doesn't really go away or get better, you just get better at putting on a brave frontsad

The photographs are indeed a comfort, but I wish I had kept the answerphone messages from Mum - the thought of not hearing her again is awful...

BadRoly I'm sorry your birthday will be so bittersweet, it is tough (I cried through most of mine) but you can only do what you can do and that will have to be enough. Your children will help get you through it!

lovemydogs Thu 04-Oct-12 09:36:20

morning everyone how are you? I am sitting here doing the estate accounts for my dad - money I wish I was not getting as it meant losing him. I am very tired today and that makes me emotional and at times angry and jealous that some people have both parents still - sorry if that makes me sound irrational and mean - I am usually ok!
But the sun is shining and I am going to get out for a 2nd dog walk and do a few jobs in town. Am going to treat myself to a professional spring clean as have rather neglected my house lately.
Hugs to you all. xxxxx

Hi I think the jealousy of others thing is normal. I know I really resent my MIL at times as she's here and Mum is not and because Mum was a much much better Granny than she'll ever be <grrrr>

Am impressed at the second dog walk - we've yet to make it out for a firstgrin And envy at the spring clean!

mummylin Thu 04-Oct-12 11:29:36

Good morning to everyone on here and welcome to the new comers.lovemydogs My siblings and i all inherited from mum ,but i would give every penny back to have her here.And i feel i cant spend anything as mum worked hard all her life in able to leave us all something.Besides that i think she can see me and if i dont spend wisely she will be cross !! It dosent seem right that on a lovely day like today there is such enormous grief.I know my mum would be sat in my conservatory watching the birds or whatever wild life comes in the garden.
BadRoly i still bought my mum a birthday card and took it to the cemetery.You can get some very nice ones for people who are no longer here in Clintons.And if you read back you will see that some of us who have had birthdays have put up an old card we have recieved in the past from our mums / dads.

lovemydogs Thu 04-Oct-12 12:50:58

hi again - such a lovely day so after 2nd dog walk I downloaded some new news onto my ipod and did a 5 mile run in tshirt and sunglasses - feel great now actually. Much less tired and more positive - do find exercise a big help - did body pump at 6.30am this morning too - just had a nice shower. The spring clean man just came to quote and wants me to get my downstairs carpet done too as bit mucky from dogs in places - not sure about it at this time of year as it takes ages to dry. Oh well at least I am turning my day around.
Do any of you believe in the white feather thing? When you find once outside eg on the doorstep it is meant to be a message from a deceased loved one - Gloria Hunniford is convinced her daughter Caron Keating does this and sometimes I have found them.
I have been to a spiritualist church a couple of times a while back but no messages for me.................
Hugs to you all xxxxxxxxxx

mummylin Thu 04-Oct-12 13:34:53

I also have been told about the white feather .Im not sure what i think ,but i do like to pick them up " just in case " I have found 3 or 4 little ones.Sounds like you are having a very busy day !

maybeyoushouldrive I know what you mean about the ansaphone message. My sister and I recorded dads voicemail message, and it stayed on mum's phone for ages because she didn't know how to erase it. It's lovely to be able to hear his voice.

I feel so changed inside even though outwardly I look the same. My DH lost his mum when he was 24 and I understand now how much it has impacted the rest of his life.

I find that I'm VERY frightened of the idea of mum dying, now - it really worries me, and I think I'm a better daughter than I was: just wish dad could know...
Hope you are all holding on and hanging in there.


ssd Thu 04-Oct-12 17:52:24

thank you everyone

I'm another orphan who has lost both parents now

my dad died 14 years ago and since then its just been me and mum, I have older siblings but they live hundreds of miles away

when dad died I took over the role of caring/visiting/looking out for mum and as she's got older it has increased more and more

so for the last 14 years its just been me, my family and mum

she lived where I grew up, so since losing her I have lost my childhood place I grew up in as well as all the thousands of personnel things only she and I knew about

its just too overwhelming, the hole she has left is massive and it feels like my world has been blown apart

it feels like I was one girl last month and now I'm someone else entirely, living in a place I hardly know and nothing feels right

shallweshop Thu 04-Oct-12 21:54:50

lovemydogs - I so know what you mean about the inheritance thing. I got money after dad died and I bought a new car with some of it. When it came to collecting it, the salesman kept asking me if I was excited and I pretended I was but inside I was just thinking what a huge personal cost/loss it came at and how I would much rather be driving about in my old banger with my dad still here. I cried all the way back from the showroom.

shallweshop Thu 04-Oct-12 22:01:31

ssd - you are a different person but I promise, it does get better. 6 months on from losing dad and 6 years since mum, I have more good days than bad now. There are still times when it hits me hard but I am reaching a new version of normal. I have just got to control my anxiety a bit as I find since dad's death, I am a bit paranoid about mine and my family's health. Sending a big hug ((())).

Rolf Thu 04-Oct-12 22:08:46

May I join this thread, please? My Mum died 16 years ago, and my Dad died in May. I miss Dad terribly, although things were quite difficult for him over the last few years. And losing him has brought home to me how much of my Mum I've lost. My memories of her are all pre-children (she died when I was 24), when I was a different person.

pearlgirl Fri 05-Oct-12 15:58:51

Just sat here reading some of the thread and feeling that I am not on my own - my mum died three months ago today and my dad went 14 years ago and i miss them so much. I'm finding navigating this new stage really hard and feel so raw at times. I think I just got on with it when my dad died, as I had a month old baby and could support Mum. This time i feel very lonely in spite of my lovely dh and 4dc. I really identify with what ssd said about feeling out of place.

mummylin Fri 05-Oct-12 21:21:08

hello to the new posters.I am sorry that you are all going through this terrible time too.I hope you can find some kind of support on this thread as do we all.It seems to me without my mum that the world is now a completely different place.And i dont like it.I have adult children and 3 grandchildren,but i still feel so lost.Tomorrow may be better for us all ,i hope so x

golemmings Fri 05-Oct-12 23:30:28

I'm glad you lot are here. I'm feeling very lonely and a bit guilty. Tomorrow is DS'a first birthday. It's also the first anniversary of mum's diagnosis of congestive heart failure. I'm not sure anyone else has remembered about mum.
its also the evening before the first anniversary of the hardest 11 weeks in my life.
DS'a birth was traumatic, he was resuscitated, I didn't get to hold him for an hour and a half, then an hour later he was taken to icu, diagnosed with encephalopathy and I didn't get to hold him again for 24 hours.
Mum met him once but died when he was 5 weeks old.
When he was 10 weeks old we learned that his brain mri was clear and started to relax and a week later my dad had a major bleed on his brain and spent 3 weeks in hospital.

It was truly shit. I don't want to forget how crap it was but I'm a mess this evening. DH would think I was mad, rehashing all of this my friends all disappeared at around this time so there isn't anyone in rl I can talk to. I really need to pull myself together to celebrate DS'a birthday. I hope I can work all this through so I can get to the point where his birthday's aren't tinged with sadness. Maybe next year...

ssd Fri 05-Oct-12 23:41:38

oh golemmings, I'm sorry about that, that is a lot for you to deal with.I don't blame you for feeling alone and raw. I'm not much use to anyone just now, but I'll give you a hug and let you know I'm thinking of you

maybe seeing your little ds taste a bit of birthday cake will make you smile! I hope so

ssd xx

golemmings Sat 06-Oct-12 00:09:50

Thank you. Watching his sister opening his presents should be fun too. But like so many on this thread there's a mask hiding a hollow heart.
I'm already sitting here watching the clock knowing that in 4 hours it'll be a year since my contractions started...
It's self indulgent and unhelpful and so long as there's someone here for some hand holding too, I need a wopping great kick up the arse

mummylin Sat 06-Oct-12 12:51:49

golemmings its not surprising you are down in the dumps.Our minds cant help returning to the most awful times can they. Take a bit of comfort that at least your mum did ge to your Ds.I know it was only once but at least she had that precious memory to take with her.In a couple of weeks i will be where you are ,just reliving last year and thinking to myself " this time last year " etc. Sending you a hug and some thanks Hope your Ds had a lovely 1st birthday.Its a very special one isnt it.

Such sad experiences, I hope you're all having as good a day as possible. Xxx.

Anyone else now looking at older people in a new light & thinking "they've lost their parents, they've lived with that for maybe 50 years"?.

Feeling pointlessly guilty at the realisation that if I'd opted for an elective section instead of a VBAC, dd2 might have been born sooner and at least mum would have got to see her picture.

There's a white feather on my doormat :-).

BCBG Sat 06-Oct-12 22:27:13

Mummy died three years ago. The day before she died, her eyes filled with tears as she told me it was 45 years since her own 'little mother' had died. sad I hope they met again, I know that's what she was hoping too. I found a little Christmas gift tag she wrote to me in slightly shaky writing Christmas '08. I carry it in my purse and look at it often as nothing else says 'love, Mummy'. I don't think we ever get over it, to be honest.

ssd Sun 07-Oct-12 09:01:07

I agree with this, I'm realising living without my mum is something I'll need to get used to, not something I'll get over.

I keep thinking about before mum died and my heart leaps, like I'm thinking of something that's secure and warm and makes sense, even though my mum was very when she's not here it all feels so different and totally strange, like living all the time in a bad dream

People have said to me "at least your mum didn't suffer" and I know thats true,but I'd rather have her in her flat still sitting in her chair and watching the new episode of "strictly", which she loved and would have been watching last night, rather than be gone, even though I know there's nothing she could do about it

can I ask anyone who has been through this, how long does the feeling you're not in the right world last for? this isn't something I've ever experienced before, when my dad died I was heartbroken, but I still had my mum, but now they are both gone the world seems so so strange, even though everything's familiar it feels like I've woken up somewhere else..when do things seem normal again?

ssd Sun 07-Oct-12 09:02:16

BCBG, your mum will be with her mum, I'm absolutely sure of that x

mummylin Sun 07-Oct-12 13:23:29

good morning everyone.ssd for me i dont think life will ever become normal again.Like you when i see tv progs come on that mum loved it makes me upset.She loved Downtown Abbey and any prog with Gareth Malone.It makes me so sad that she is missing them.And also the day she went into hospital she asked me to collect her book and take it to her,i did but find it upsetting that she didnt get to finish it.I went back to sleep this morning and i had a very vivid dream of mum ,some of it was lovely and other bits not so.But i heard her laugh,Oh how i wish this had been real.I too would give anything to have her back and the thought of having years without her is unbearable.

So many familiar feelings here, and I'm having a little cry whilst I type.

Lost my Dad back in April. He'd not been well since Christmas, but had only been in hospital for a week, and diagnosed with cancer the day before he died. Mum passed away 12 years ago. Not a day goes by where I don't miss them. Sad that Mum never got to see my child. Sad that Dad isn't here to watch her grow. But also doing my utmost to be 'normal' and to get on with life.
To be honest, I don't feel as though I've really had much time or opportunity to grieve.

As Biscuits said, thanks for starting the thread, mummlin - it is helpful to know that I'm not odd in how I'm feeling.

mummylin Sun 07-Oct-12 15:02:01

NotGeoffVader you are certainly not odd. Its sad how many people have had babies since our mums have gone ,indeed my own sister had twins in Feb.Mum was so excited as its the first twins we have had in the family.It was bittersweet when they were born.And at mums house in her knitting bag were lots of babies coats ,some finished and some not.I gave them to my friend who finished them all so my sister could have them.One of the twins has been given mums name as her second name.But the night before mum dide when we were visiting she had put her hand on my sisters tummy and she did feel them move,so that is something. i think ,like you that in the beginning i didnt have proper time to grieve as there was so much to do and my house became the hub for the rest of the family.As i was one of the executors there was quite a lot to do ,plus emptying and selling mums property.Now it is all done and i find myself going over and over it.I feel very upset today,i think its the dream and also its getting nearer to mums anniversary when it will be the 1st year. I try to tell my dh how i am feeling ,but to be honest he just says "oh " and thats it.So to be able to talk to others on here is such a help.

Urgh - I still have the family home to get cleared and sold too. Thing is, it's about an hour's journey from me. I can't just hop in the car and drive there as there are issues around parking. I can't take DD with me as the place is old, dirty and not safe for a toddler....

I keep thinking that once it's sold, and my DSis and I have sorted out the last of the 'effects' things will be more final, IYSWIM.

mummylin Sun 07-Oct-12 15:54:15

Thats what i would of thought ,that when all was done i would feel a bit happier.instead its been the reverse so far. And i still have a lot to do at home ,i have loads of boxes of mums stuff still to sort.i could not bear to throw anything away !! My brother who was also executor,used to pick things up and say " i suppose you want to keep this " and so of course i did.All silly little scraps of paper with mums writing on .I have all her cutlery even though i dont need it neither do any of my siblings ,but i just cant throw it out.Especially mums old potato peeler !! I have no idea what i will find eventually in all of the boxes and i doubt i will be getting rid of much of it.Maybe one day i will ,but for now its all staying here.My siblings have all had loads but they dont want anything else so its my own fault i have so much.

ssd Sun 07-Oct-12 18:43:51

I finished clearing out mums flat today and thats the last time I can go into her house, the keys need to go back to the council this week

she only died 4 weeks ago

its too soon, but the council gave me no choice

I too have lots of her things but handing in those keys this week is going to kill me

I have no one to share this with, siblings miles away, its just been me and mum for years

dh sounds a bit like yours mummylin, a nice guy but not overly sensitive at all, his mum died and he never cried

feel really low today, put some roses where we scattered her ashes, went alone, there's no one to go with, dh glued to tv watching football and wouldn't drag the kids anyway, way too much hassle for me

it does help so much being able to come on here and know you're understood, so thanks everyone for your support and company


ClareMarriott Sun 07-Oct-12 19:25:26

Dear All I last saw my father on 14th May 1967 when the ambulance men carried him out the house. He died of a chest infection on 21st May. I was 11 and I am now 56. In 2000, I returned from work one day in February and thought it odd that my mother had not put on the lights. I found her in her bedroom, cold to the touch . Yes your brain does go numb and you do exist in a dream like state, but what I would say to all of you who have posted and suffered a bereavement within the last few years, don't be scared of any of the emotions you feel, express them as not doing so could have an effect on you in later life and remember that although it IS seriously tough when you have lost a parent or parents, you will find your own way of coping . My three sisters and I , although none of us are perfect, are always there for each other. I hope this helps Clare

mummylin Sun 07-Oct-12 23:23:29

Thankyou ClareMarriott its good to hear from someone who is much further down the line from us.I too am luckier than most because i have my brothers around me aho all live local to me too.My sister lives quite a way from here and has her two little babies who have helped her such a lot.She has had no time to grieve really as only a few weeks after mum died they were born.
ssd i know exactly how you feel about the keys and i have a little confession to make.We were supposd to give all the keys to the estate agent who sold mums house,but i refused to let mums own key go.It is on a key ring along with a key to my house and i have kept it.I felt really funny about letting other people having mums personal key so i still have it and im keeping it !! there were three more that we did give back though. My dh has also lost his mum and dad,his dad he wasnt close to but like your dh,although he was sad the day his mum died and the day of the funeral ,he seemed to just accept it and get on with his life.But his is not a particulary close family and his siblings hardly see each other as they all now live in different towns.I dont know if this is anything to do with it.But my family is the exact opposite.But it does hurt when he is so offhand sometimes and he is also not the most tactful of people either and says something which i now consider out of place.I know that he thinks i should be fine now,but this is far from the case,but because i know how he thinks i dont often tell him how i am feeling as he dosent understand it one bit.But inside i am still heartbroken and still in total belief this has happened.I know that things do improve as we already lost my sister when she was 26,that too was an awful time ,but gradually it improved and i suppose this time will also get better , but at the moment its not and still feels like it was only yesterday.

Solo Sun 07-Oct-12 23:32:05

Just a little self pity Dad's sister died about 6 weeks ago and I posted about it when I found this out about a week ago (not a nice woman), but today, Dads surviving Brother has passed away and I do feel so very, very sad about it. He and Dad were such good friends and were very similar in many ways and different in others. It makes me cry to think that he has gone, but it makes me happy for my Dad to have his Brother in his company again; my Uncle missed my Dad so much and I will miss my favourite Uncle. sad

Solo Sun 07-Oct-12 23:39:02

Thank you ClareMarriot. Does it get easier through time? I miss my Dad so much. He's been gone 3 seems like yesterday, but is already 3 years.

ssd Mon 08-Oct-12 09:37:03

hi solo, it does get easier over time, I seen that with my dad...but it took a long time

I know the hurt over losing my mum will get easier too, I cling to that

It is such a relief to know that there are others who feel the way I feel about losing my Mum. The outside world keeps on going, you are expected to just get on with it, but inside I'm empty and scared. Somehow losing a parent makes me feel so very young and needy again.

Clare thank you for sharing that it does get easier, when you're feeling such grief it's hard to believe that it can hurt any less.

Solo all the links with our parents feel very important, it must be hard to lose your Uncle too, but he will be with your Dad again as you say and one day we will see these loved ones again too.

Mummylin and ssd I wonder if men feel things and express them differently to women as my dh is very similar. He hasn't experienced losing a parent yet though, so maybe he just can't identify with how I'm feeling? It's very tough, he always looks baffled when something makes me cry again (I too have struggled to cope with the thought that Mum is missing her favourite programmes - we'd be straight on the phone after Strictly to disect it!)

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 08-Oct-12 11:32:24

Hope everyone is doing okay.

I'm feeling really teary today so I knew where to come.

Today is dd2's 9th birthday and it's days like this where my mum is missed the most. It's knowing she's not here to share the celebrations with us, but also I feel for her missing these days with us. She would have phoned dd before school to wish her a happy birthday, so it was a nice surprise that my dad kept up the tradition and rang her.
I looked at the photos from dd2's party yesterday and in so many of them there are orbs around both dd's and again in the photos taken this morning of her opening her presents. The rational part of me knows they are dust particles, but a tiny part of me wants to believe they are my mum, all around us still smile

ssd that sounds tough, especially so soon since losing your mum. Thinking of you.

mummylin Mon 08-Oct-12 12:16:18

Oh soloI am sorry to see the sad news about your uncle.Hopefully your dad and his brother have now been reunited.
maybeyoushoulddrive when one of my brothers and i arrived at the hospital shortly after mum had died ,my brother sobbed for his mummy.I think it does make you a bit insecure no matter that we are now adults with our own families.Your mum is always there through good and bad and somehow that makes you feel secure." mum will/ can sort it out " type of thing.I feel a bit abandoned ,which is ridiculous .mum didnt choose to leave us.
BiscuitsandBaileys If you think you saw orbs in your photos and it brings you comfort that your mum is around ,then take some comfort from that.Its nice that your dad phoned your DD to wish her a happy birthday.Must be very sad for him too.
Is everyone else the same as me and their first waking though every day is their lost parent ? I cannot get it out of my mind.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 08-Oct-12 12:31:38

Thanks for your reply mummylin.
I forgot to say how your post about seeing your mum dancing in the street whilst you were on holiday made me smile. Happy memories for you.
Yes, usually my first thought of each day is my mum. But if it's not then I feel bad for not thinking about her soon enough. Then all through the day it's small things that get me thinking of her, a song, an advert, someone talking about going shopping with their mum, anything really.
You're right, it must be sad for my dad too. He's not well himself. It's so unfair how bad things happen to good people. My mum was 67 when she died and my dads not 70 yet. They didn't get to grow old together sad

mummylin Mon 08-Oct-12 13:11:25

I have tried to rationalise how young some people are when they die.I think my sister was young ,but she had 26 yrs ,then there in our cemetery are all the little babies and toddlers graves.some only hours old.So considering this it means my sister lived a long time .It dosent make it feel any better but i do often look at the little ones graves and think they had no life at all.Yes we all had a laugh when we caught our mum out.It did look very funny.We were just concerned because she was out on her own in a strange country,especially when she then went off wandering round the shops.This was about the 20th Oct.Mum died on the 30thsad

Solo Mon 08-Oct-12 13:30:49

Thank you.

Biscuits I am a big believer in life after death, and orbs in my opinion are not just dust, but are spirits; so it is very possible that those orbs represent your lost loved ones, people that care about your Dd's. Take comfort in that smile

crazy8 Mon 08-Oct-12 15:59:58

This thread has come just at the right time for me. I am finding it do hard at the moment. Its been two years (last week) hut feels like yesterday and I keep re-living the last few days over and over again.

Also I have had a massive argument with DH as I really don't think he Is very sympathetic. He tries but he is so busy he doesn't stop and think how I am feeling. I realise it's partly my fault so don't flame me. I know I expect too much and can't expect him to read my mind. I would do anything to have my dad back. I just want to hear his voice and have a hug.

ssd Mon 08-Oct-12 18:23:15

huge sympathies to us all on this thread and well done to mummylin for starting it

its so good there is somewhere for us to come when no one else understands

I too start the day with "I've lost mum"

I can't believe it, it was a month yesterday, it feels like another lifetime away

ssd xx

crazy8 Mon 08-Oct-12 20:15:56

Not sure if anyone else feels like this, but whenever I see families and the grandad is doting on his daughter/grandchildren I feel a pang in my heart that my dad isn't here. Also, just the other day I saw someone in the lift who reminded me so much of my dad. Same hairstyle etc. was a very strange feeling. I couldn't stop staring at the man.

Rolf Mon 08-Oct-12 21:57:09

crazy8 I feel that way, too. I read my DDs a story tonight that we hadn't read for ages, and it features grandparents, which I found very upsetting. My mum never got to meet my children, and Dad found things very difficult after she died. He did his best to be happy but he really struggled.

In the weeks after Dad died, I had terrible insomnia, and would stay up most o the night watching Life on Mars, which seemed to encapsulate all my deepest yearnings - to see my parents alive, healthy and happy, to be someone's child again. Not having them around feels as though my whole childhood has been erased.

ssd Tue 09-Oct-12 09:21:32

I feel like that too, like half of my life has gone missing

I feel so lost and empty right now, its a horrible, desperate feeling

Am dreading this weekend, most people I know are gearing up to spend it with their families or going away somewhere nice

we've got no family near us now mum has gone and no money to go anywhere

it all just feels so sad and lonely

Very relieved to find so many of my emotions voiced here. I was talking to my sister - her in laws are pressuring her to pull herself together, she is having counselling but feels guilty she's feeling so terrible but thought she was a bit of a wimp... I'll let her know we're 'normal' to be feeling like this and hope she'll stop giving herself such a hard timesad

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 09-Oct-12 11:49:54

Thanks solo, just what I needed to hear smile

Feel like screaming today. Am sick of stupid questions. If one more person asks me " was it a shock?" I shall either tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck or the evil side of me might take over and reply "Not really given that I had a pillow over his face at the time"! I don't care how old/disabled etc he was he was my dad who would always be there.
<rant over>

mummylin Tue 09-Oct-12 12:42:51

Such a lot of unhappy people ! hobnobs i hate it when people trot out all the usual sayings too.The one i dislike is oh well she was a good age It makes no diference how old someone is.Grief isnt measured by someones age.
ssd you are still in the very early days and it is still so painful and new to you.Try and give yourself a little trea at home or something.Maybe get your other half to cook a meal for you or something.Seems like you could do with a bit of pampering.
crazy8 I am sorry that even now to you it all seems like last week.Its not looking good for me to feel any better next year then is it.Cause i feel like that and its nearly a year now.I dont think this weather is helping anyones mood much as its so depressing isnt it.
maybeyoushoulddrive thats terrible that your sister is being made to feel guilty.her in laws should leave her alone and give her a bit of understanding.As if she dosent feel bad enough without having pressure from others.Her Grief will fade when she is ready ,not when others think it should and in fact that goes for all of us.We cannot set a date a few weeks ahead and say thats when our grieving will stop.How insensative people can be.

I am pleased I found this thread. My dad died very suddenly last March. He was at a conference overseas from where we live. It wa hideous. Completely unexpected and its like my insides disappeared and all there was was a black hole inside of me. It took a while to get his body home as a post mortem had to be done and things like that, and by the time it was, we were advised not to look at him. So, even now, over a year on, I kind of don't believe it is true.

I got married in July. My DH lost his dad a long time ago, when he was only 17. Consequently, we had a very tiny wedding (just our mums and DCs and a couple of witnesses) as we didn't want a big celebration without our dads. DH still cries over his dad now, as, of course, do I. We can cry together though, which helps a lot. We know that had they ever met down here, they would have got on ever so well, and we draw comfort from the belief that they have met each other now and are really happy and proud that we met, and married.

The day after my wedding, we took my bouquet down to the harbour. I threw the flowers one by one into the sea and said a prayer, and a thank you, to my dad, with each one. I found it hard on his birthday, DH and I had a drink to my dad, and spent the day with our children.

I am dreading Christmas. Last year mum went away, but this year she wants Christmas at home. So we will all go round there, and I know it will be a really hard day. Christmas was all about my dad's AWFUL knitted jumpers, and terrible jokes, and him carving the turkey, and him being the BEST Grandpa to my lovely DCs and helping them work out how to use their new toys. And it was all about him falling asleep in the armchair after eating far too much food. Going to mum's with him not there, it will feel strange.

It takes so, so long to get over. My DH has said, despite losing his dad 15 years ago, it is not something you ever get over, it is something that you just get a little more used to.

Today, DH and I bought our first home together. I particularly miss my dad today. It is the kind of thing he would have been so proud of me for. I really wish that I could have called him up, and I wish he was coming round with my mum later to have a look. I am holding on to the fact that he does know, and that he is feeling very proud and very happy, with DHs dad as well.

I offer my deepest sympathies to everyone on this thread. Losing a parent is something that cannot be contemplated unless you have personally experienced it. I still feel cross when I see old people walking hand in hand. My dad didn't even get to retire! It is like, although I am less completely consumed, I still get overwhelmed from time to time.

I know I am further along the way than some of you - I am here though to say that it does become a little more bearable. I still need to have a really huge sob at least once a week though. I am fortunate that DH and I are able to talk so openly with each other, and that we have a very deep understanding of our situations. That makes things a little easier, as does actively doing things to remember my dad. Balloons on his birthday, my flowers into the sea. I have nearly saved up enough for a memorial plaqye to go on the wall of rest in the cemetery. I am hoping that this Christmas I will be able to go there and spend some quiet time.

Sorry for being so lengthy, it is reassuring to find that my own emotions are felt by others, and I hope that you are also able to take comfort in the fact that I have felt similar things to you.

Solo Tue 09-Oct-12 13:56:40

Waves you say it all really...

My own Dad has been gone over 3 years now and it does get easier, but never goes away completely; not sure any of us would really want it to.

I have had a bit of a cry this afternoon, I think because my Uncles death is so recent. I've just posted a sympathy card off sad and I know how that card will affect his widow and children. It will be bitter sweet as I have acknowledged Du's passing, but that's because he's not here any longer iyswim? he was, like my Dad, such a gentleman.

A short while after I'd lost Dad, I saw a very elderly couple walking hand in hand and it moved me. I stopped and said how lovely it was and the man said to me that they were still in love 67 years after marrying smile I told them that my parents too, had always walked hand in hand. Again, bitter sweet.

Another thing too is that you do get used to your loved one passing and of course you never forget them, but on occasion you do find that it hits you when you least expect it. That's entirely normal too.

mummylin Tue 09-Oct-12 15:39:18

wavesandsmiles thanks for such a lovely post.Like you "solo" i have been in tears today.I had my longest time friend around today and she wanted to know if she could buy a plant for the cemetery on mums anniversary.This of course started me off and i just sobbed.probably did me good as i try not to let anyone see me in tears because they dont know how to react. I dont think its good to keep it all inside actually,i did this when my sister died but ten months on i paid the price and ended up off work and on anti depressants.I am fed up of everyone thinking i am the strong one,if they only knew the truth.

ssd Tue 09-Oct-12 17:03:14

thanks wavesandsmiles

my phone was ringing when I got in today, I thought it was my mum

feel so so alone, thank god for this thread

Rolf Tue 09-Oct-12 17:24:10

Solo you're much nicer than I am! I hate seeing elderly couples holding hands. I really resent that my parents never got to that stage.


I spent the day at my Dad's house today. People from a charity shop came to pack up stuff. They'll do the rest next week. They were really nice about the bits and pieces that they are taking, and it helped to have the house full of people and purpose. And a very brave man came to clear out the 2 freezers and the fridge, which were full of ancient food and had been without power for months. It was horrendous. The poor man was sick in a bush. The smell is still there but hopefully it will go before Dad's neighbours throw up. I've never smelt anything like it.

mummylin Tue 09-Oct-12 19:33:33

ssd you certainly are not alone,although i guess we all feel that we are at some point. rolf that was a horrible job for the man to do but its done now.This is all so very sad.Tonight in our local paper i have read that one of our old friends dad has died, they also are a very close family and i feel so sorry because i know what they will be going through.I must send a card .I really thought all the cards i had helped me a lot.Some had the most beautiful messages in that people had written.I have kept them all and put them in a photo album ,along with some pressed flowers from her funeral and newspaper cuttings etc.

ssd Tue 09-Oct-12 21:25:34

thanks mummylin x

mummylin Wed 10-Oct-12 18:28:18

I hope you are all having a better day than you did yesterday.Thats all we can strive for .We will all get through this tough time xx

ssd Wed 10-Oct-12 18:36:38

thanks again

I am having a better day in that I've not yelled at dh and drove to mums empty flat to bawl my eyes out

I really need to try to move on but its so hard

hope you are all doing better xx

TorianaTollywobbles Wed 10-Oct-12 18:43:06

Just found this thread. Dad died in July, very suddenly. Mum died 4 years ago so now without parents.

Had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that Dad wasn;t really dead, he had just been 'somewhere' and had come back again. It was strange because we had to tell him that we had got rid of all his stuff cos we thought he was dead.

It's probably because we have cleared as much as we can from his house and it is being sold.

It's just so odd having no parents. I feel so unlucky, friends all have healthy, parents who help them and look after their grandkids. I feel so cheated that this was taken away from me. DD was only 4 when mum died and I feel she has missed out so much on that relationship. My mum was the sort who doted on her grandchildren, looked after them was interested in them.

I do have lovely PILs but they live an hours drive away and have never been the sort of grandparents to offer to babysit or anything.

I tend to bottle up my feelings so is good to write some of this down to people who understand.

TorianaTollywobbles Wed 10-Oct-12 18:51:36

Cried in a shop the other day after seeing the Christmas stuff and the mum and dad cards. Not looking forward to Christmas at all this year, first one without both. We are going out for Xmas lunch with PILs and thought this would be a good idea to do something different but now I'm not so sure. Feel like I will have to put a brave face on when I will probably just feel like crying.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Wed 10-Oct-12 19:01:47


I lost my Dad suddenly , iin august.

I seem to be taking on caring role for my mum too. it feels like I have lost her and gained another person to look after as she is understandably not doing so well.

it was a bit hard in the playground today when other parents were talking about their dad.

toriana, oh dear. it will be a difficult christmas. it is not too late to change your plans.

ssd Wed 10-Oct-12 19:35:34

its just horrible isnt it

mummylin Wed 10-Oct-12 20:32:15

TorianaTollywobbles last xmas my mum had been gone about 7 weeks .I too dreaded it.But for the first time i did not cook dinner for the rest of the family,instead we were invited to my sons.My dd was there too.I have to say it was not as bad as i thought it would be,being surrounded by others who care about me helped so much.And as i did on my birthday i put up an old xmas card which said " to my daughter* this helped me too.I could not bear not to see a card that said that.You will get through it and yes you will have your sad moments.It is surprising where the extra strength comes from when we need it.
redwhiteandblueeyedsusan it is still very early days for you and your mum. I dare say your mum is very distressed and not her normal self at the moment.Sadly you are grieving too but now have the added worry of looking afer your mum.Do not neglect yourself.Make sure that you are listened to and comforted too.We are basically all in the same boat on this threa albeit so many different circumstances.We are all here here to support each other.
ssd how are you feeling today.I have recovered from my tears from yesterday.I made sure i was busy all day today.Dh did ask why i was so sad. He has to ask ????

mummylin Wed 10-Oct-12 20:35:49

ssd you cannot force yourself to move on.It will just come with time that you will feel more settled. You have to allow yourself time to grieve properly.take care of yourself.

TorianaTollywobbles Wed 10-Oct-12 20:47:31

Thank you mummylin. The problem is that I won't be with any of my family, only my PILs, BIL, SIL and her family. I think this is why I feel its going to be hard. We can't back out now either, as we have had to pay full amount now so will lose money. Anyway hopefully it won;t be too bad and spending Boxing Day with my sisters.

mummylin Wed 10-Oct-12 21:25:55

I promise you it will be better than you can imagine.I also had my dil and her parents and sister and her dh there and it was fine.Im not saying i didnt feel sad,but they all helped me through it as im sure your pil will.I think it is better to be with people rather than just your own little family.It helps to distract things a bit.The worst time for me was new years eve and i refused to go out and sat at home on the phone to my sister crying my eyes out.It was awful.Dh went to a party at m ds's but i could not face it at all and really wanted to be by myself,which i was.i think i will probably be the same this year.Its because i always phoned my mum at midnight,then she would go to bed.She waited each year for her call.

ssd Thu 11-Oct-12 08:24:01

I know you're right mummylin, but I feel I don't have any support in this, apart from dh, so if I can try to move on a bit in my mind it might help me. My mind is just continuously full of thinking about my mum anyway. I'm so jealous of everyone here who has extended family to help them out a bit, even just to give them company. I know theres feelings would be better shared with a close brother or sister who felt the same about losing mum and we could try to help each other through this a bit. Having a brother and sister so distant to how I feel makes me feel a 100 times worse. They both live far away and mum was never part of their daily lives like she was with me. Since the funeral I haven't spoken to them, in fact they have both been on holiday since...I drag myself out the door in the morning and cant do much else. My sister told me after the funeral I should now move on......I wish I didn't have them, they make me feel worse.

we have no PIL's either, they are dead too. We've just got no one apart from our little family. I'm so terrified of anything happening to one of them, I know I couldn't live through worse. than this

BiscuitsandBaileys Thu 11-Oct-12 09:09:16

<hugs> for you ssd It's such early days for you. It's 9 months today since I lost my mum and I still find it hard to believe, I can hardly remember the first few weeks. No-one should be telling you when it's time to move on, (not even sure that's possible) you do things in your own time x

Absolutely there is no magic switch when we all 'feel better', it's such a personal thing with so many factors. Take it easily ssd allow yourself to grieve without guilt.

I've read all your posts - I'm not good at going back and forward and working out who said what etc but you're all in my thoughts. It is such a comfort to know that I'm not alone in my feelings...

I too dread Christmas. Dad is hoping we'll all go to him but the thougt of spending Christmas in that house without Mum there is too much. I don't know what the answer is as we're spread far and wide around the country and my parents were pretty much in between us... So practically with Dad is easier but emotionally I think it will be a disaster!

New Year will also be hideous - I always ring at midnight too...

BiscuitsandBaileys Thu 11-Oct-12 11:29:47

maybeyoushoulddrive Thats a tough one. It's hard going to dad's now knowing mums not there anymore, so I think it would be tough to spend Christmas there. Maybe in some ways it might be nice to all come together in their house.
I'm another one that always spoke to my parents at midnight new years eve. Last year was the first time in years that we were spending nye together, we all had tickets for an event. Instead dad spent the night in a chair next to mums hospital bed. Everyone persuaded me to go out and as Big Ben chimed at midnight I just sobbed, knowing my mum wouldn't be with us much longer sad

Spent yesterday making loads of phonecalls for my mum and still more to make. All of the bills were in my dads name. Feel drained today.

mummylin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:33:59

Oh dear.This is such a sad thread really.We are all dealing with such terrible feelings of loss.I think on last new years eve it made me feel worse because then I would have to say mum died "last year" which made it seem so long ago.But as others have said,i think NYE has a special significance because several of us used to phone to wish a happy new year.Now we cant do that and its so painful.I have 19 days to go until the worst week of my life ,i say week because my mum died on Oct 30th and my sisters anniversary is Nov 2nd,so you see they are so close together. although not the same year.I dont think this miserable weather is helping much either ,everywhere is so dull and depressing.sending thanks to you all.

mummylin Thu 11-Oct-12 13:42:14

ssd We will help you as much as is possible.You are not so alone as you think.Its a shame things are so distant between you and your siblings ,but families can be quite strange at the best of time.
hobnobs yes doing all the things that have to be done are draining and in fact i cant even remember doing most of them.I dont know wether nature has helped to block them all out.But in a way i am glad i cant recall everything,it would be too awful.Its as though i have had a mental block on things all the bank stuff ,solicitors ,house etc and it just seems like i was not completely with it at the time.I just thank god for my younger brother who guided me through all the legal stuff, left to me it would all have gone wrong im sure.

ssd Thu 11-Oct-12 16:18:03

thanks again. I'm handing in mums house keys to the council tonight, then thats really it all gone. Feel sick. Maybe its better she didnt own her house as it all had to be cleared in 4 weeks, gave me no time but had no choice. Last thing to do is sort her banking and pay her funeral. I got that bill on my birthday, a few days after her funeral, it was all I got in the post that day.......

really think I'm due a massive lottery win, my luck must be due for turning!! and if I do I'll throw all us sad daughters a big party somewhere hot!!

mummylin Thu 11-Oct-12 17:27:10

ssd i do know how awful you must feel ,i fel terrible when we left mums house for the last time ,knowing i could no longer go in as it had new owners.We had the same problem as you when dh's dad died ,his keys also had to be handed in or the next months rent would of had to be paid.We were lucky with mum's in that we had our own time to do it in.Even so there were days when we would get there and decide we could not face it and go back home again.I really feel for you today as i have felt how you do.Keep your chin up.

BiscuitsandBaileys Thu 11-Oct-12 20:09:06

It's a big rollover on tomorrows euromillions ssd wink

ssd Thu 11-Oct-12 20:29:28


thanks so much for all the support I'm getting on here

I've handed in mums keys tonight with the council. I came out of there and cried, then cried in the car then went home and here I am.

I have to accept she's gone. I just don't know where. I'm driving around going "where did you go mum?", death is so so final isn't it.

I don't dread Christmas or new year, its the weekend I dread. That was when I always saw mum, every weekend for the last about 20 odd years, apart from the odd holiday. We were/are very close. I feel she's within me sometimes, at other times I feel totally alone. The thought of not being able to go to hers this weekend makes me feel very anxious. As I said, if I had a sister/brother/in law to visit it might not be such a big deal to me, but we've not got anyone and I hang out by myself enough. I've been trying to arrange something with a friend, but most of them are busy, its times like these you need a bit of family around you but its not there for me now. I need to just accept that. Dh and the kids are great, but they are all male and aren't blessed with a lot of sensitivity!!

Oh well.

I've got a feeling I'll be using this section a lot, especially this thread! I used to be on the elderly parents section all the time, now I'm not. I know this a natural progression, but it feels very unnatural just now


mummylin Thu 11-Oct-12 22:08:10

Where do you live ssd.i dont mean your address which area.North ?south ? maybe one of us lives near.i am in Dorset. I am glad that tonight is out of the way for you at least.

Two weeks ago everything was normal. Now everything just feel odd and wrong and complicated.

mulranno Thu 11-Oct-12 22:27:36

My mum died 4 years ago today - miss her and love her still so much.
My hideous drunken MIL just called to slur on that she "was sure she was dying" -as she is feeling under the weather - attention seeking = so insensitive

BadRoly Fri 12-Oct-12 00:12:29

Strange day today. Dad's birthday is getting closer, we're into days now. I wore his coat today just so I could sniff the sleeves. Which isn't as barmy as it reads as it is a good waterproof coat that fits me and it was raining. But I don't wear it very often in case it gets dirty and I have to wash it. Which does sound barmy actually. I know in my calm moments that it just a day like any other, but he would have been 70 and it would have been a big deal. And we? I convinced myself he would make it because he could be a stubborn old git. But it is 5 months yesterday that he died. How can that be?

BadRoly Fri 12-Oct-12 00:13:56

And again I'm sorry it's all me me me. I am reading through and my heart goes out to everyone who is posting on here, especially those who have lost both parents. I cannot imagine the sadness you must carry.

mummylin Fri 12-Oct-12 10:58:46

hobnobsaremyfave i think it is very hard to accept that none of our lives will ever be the same again now.Life can be changed in a second.We will all learn to have a different life but i have no idea when acceptance will set in.I am not at that point yet,i am still in total disbelief.Im sure our parents would not wish us to be so sad.but to be honest i cant see how we cant be.
mulranno what a very insensitive call to make to you ,especially on the anniversary of your mums death.But some people have to make everything about them.I hope you managed to get through the anniversary ok.
BadRoly the special days are amongst the worst arent they.You tend to think back and remember past birthdays etc.I have my mums raincoat,i can never wear it because its too big,but no way am i parting with it,i have even left a tissue in her pocket.When you have your dads coat on ,he is wrapping his arms around you, so carry on wearing it as it makes your dad feel close.

Galaxymum Fri 12-Oct-12 12:49:21

My heart goes out to everyone on here. It's one place I can quietly read and know there are people going through the same as me. I took in the donations to a local charity from my mum's funeral today. A centre for retired people which do courses for older people like IT and history and crafts. My mum love dit there. I felt really chuffed to hand it in and people talk about her. In "real" life, I feel as the only child I'm the only one going round in grief. It is taking me ages to clear her house - I couldn't face the kitchen as she loved baking and I just couldn't face the old baking stuff. My parents in law kindly did the cupboards for me.

I really feel for everyone on here - those like me who now have no parents, I feel kindred spirits around, those who cry those big sobbing tears - those of you struggling to face anniversaries and Christmas........I send you all big cyber hugs. I may not comment but I'm reading and feel your pain too.

It's silly things I miss. Mum was fairly 'old fashioned' but could be really silly and fun - so I find myself lapsing into saying/doing some of those things with my DD now. As she died longer ago, I find more things to laugh and joke about, and am glad that she's not suffering.

I miss sitting on the stairs in the family home, chatting to my Dad. Although he was old (81), he was so young at heart. He could swear like a trooper, loved a good old drink up, and was happy to gossip. It's his birthday soon. Hoping to catch up with my sis., go to the place his ashes (and mums) are, have a few silent words, and then go for a meal and a drink. They'd both have enjoyed that.

ssd Fri 12-Oct-12 19:09:42

mummylin, I'm miles away, in Scotland

hugs to us all xx

ssd Sat 13-Oct-12 09:28:08

hi, this is for all of you who have lost a parent

as I've wrote here, my mum died 5 weeks ago

my grief seems to be getting worse

I've given back the keys to her house to the council and cleared out her things to empty the flat

its just about all done and dusted

but I'm feeling worse by the day

one of my siblings asked me "are you feeling relieved the flat is cleared now" and I said no, it means I cant visit her anymore

but now I'm waking up really early and cant sleep properly, I'm exhausted and living in a fog of misery

everyone else has moved on and not talking about mum now and I am thinking of her constantly

I'm not surprised I feel like this as I know how close we were and how much a pat of my life mum was/is, but no one else feels like this and it makes me feel like theres something wrong with me

is it normal to feel your life has been blown apart and you can barely believe it when everyone else acts like nothing happened?

I feel I dont know whats normal anymore, I need something to cling to and theres nothing there, dh is moany as he's tired, the kids are whining cos they do, siblings well they are no use to anyone, mum isnt there now, friends all have their own thing going on, feel alone again

t875 Sat 13-Oct-12 10:48:19

Oh I so know what you mean and you are at the worst time at the beginning ssd. At the beginning after I lost my mum I really could only get through minute by minute hour by hour. Now as times gone on 6 months - still not long though. But as times moved on I can go longer between the tough times but my word they still come. I've had birthdays my daughter starting senior school and she's not around and at times it kills.

I phoned CRUISE ( sp) a couple of times when I was really bad and thy helped a lot, I've actually got 1 session booked on Friday.
I Also took Bach flower remedy.

We are all different but I believe she is around spiritually and feel her close to me when I need her. I also have had signs of white feathers randomly showing up, and I have also had other signs.

cry when you need to cry, talk as much as you need to talk, wave you fist in the air too if it helps, it's helped me!

I have also tried to carry on things she loved with me and the girls and also my dad and I know she would be smiling at.

Thinking of all of you on this thread xx

t875 Sat 13-Oct-12 11:01:23

Notgeoffvadar - I'm the same with my girls. I'm finding it really strange and I also do it on purpose that I say her sayings, and I might cover my roast with loads of ketup like she would have done, I'll put on qvc ( we loved watching that) I'd say " what do think of that mum" ah yeah I agree never in a month of Sundays eh! I find I say random things too which I think where did that come from! X

mummylin Sat 13-Oct-12 15:11:28

ssd you are not alone in how you feel .I too was the closest one to mum as i saw her most days as all the others were out at work.I too feel that everyone has moved on except me.At times i get really angry towards them and think "how can you be so normal and happy" I know we are all different,but why has no-one else taken flowers to the cemetery.yes they all want to know that its looking nice etc,but oh i dont know i just get upset by it,then i worry that mum would feel hurt that no-one goes there ,but no-one used to go to my sisters either ,only me and mum,and i had promised mum i would always look after my sisters when mum was no longer here,which i will do.I am upset right now as i have just broken a picture frame which has a lovely photo of mum in it,its the one we had on her coffin at the funeral.I have looked at every frame i have and dont have another that will be suitable.I cant believe ive done that.But i will replace it ASAP.

t875 Sat 13-Oct-12 18:30:52

Hi mummy Lin! Hope your doing ok where you are along with everyone on this thread.

I had one of my friends say to me ( she is like a sister to me) said hope you and your dad are coping ok at the moment, which I thought was nice as my friends school mums or even friends I have known for ten years don't say anything to me about my mum. It's hard as t me she is still a massive person in my life and always will be. Some days I miss her like crazy today even I've had to think quickly of something else as it obliterates me big time :'-(

The worst at the moment is Christmas! I can't even think about it, let alone look at presents and stuff. I think I'll be doing all online, it rips me up whine walking round the shops and seeing stuff my mum would love or to be able to tell her abut. I still can't believe it some days :-(( I've decided I'll buy something for my mum what. We'd have brought her and give it to the girls, then she can see the enjoyment if them with it. X

ssd Sat 13-Oct-12 19:25:15

oh mummylin, I'm sorry about your photo frame, I hope you find another one to replace it soon, and thanks for telling me how you feel, I feel just the same, its so hard to see everyone moving on when you feel stuck in you misery

t875, I know what you mean about feeling obliterated, I'm avoiding folk at the moment as everything makes me feel like that at the moment

thanks everyone for your kind messages, as much as I hate reading about other women as miserable as me it helps to know I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal, even if no one else feels it

ssd Sat 13-Oct-12 19:26:18

I mean no one else close to me in rl...I know plenty of you here feel it


t875 Sat 13-Oct-12 19:33:20

I feel the same as you ssd. This thread has helped me a lot from the moment I lost my mum.

I still avoid people now when I get a bad day!! sending you a cyber hug!

Chat with you anytime. We're all here for each other. X

t875 Sat 13-Oct-12 19:35:47

Oh mummylin. Sorry to hear about the photo frame. I'm sure with her guidance when u look you will find a suitable one you like (hug) x

golemmings Sun 14-Oct-12 10:37:05

Morning! Sorry about your photoframe mummylin. Is tomorrow's plan to find a replacement?
I think the thing that annoyed me most was that everyone acknowledges dad's loss. Everyone asked me how he was coping and sent him cards... Even my bil and his family. They've not mentioned mum since she died and I wouldn't have known that they knew had I not seen the card they kindly sent dad. I just wanted to scream "hello! Just Incase anyone hadn't noticed, she wasn't just his wife but my mum too".

Because so few people acknowledged that i'd lost my mum I still feel that there's no rl space to deal with it. So I haven't. I've just carried on as normal. There didn't seem to be any option. But then I practiced my emotions for how to deal with her death since I was 15 when I realised she was very ill. Her life expectancy was 45 (i'd have been 19) but somehow she fought long enough to see me graduate, marry and meet both my children (although she and DS didn't over lap my much). but that was 22 years of figuring it out.

I was woefully unprepared for dealing with my dad's grief though.

I dreamt about mum last night. She was so real. It's lovely to know I haven't forgotten the sound of her voice, or her energy and the way she moved when she was younger.

mummylin Sun 14-Oct-12 21:41:28

hello everyone ,i have been out all day today doing various things.I went to crem this afternoon to take some fresh flowers and was very pleased to see that it now looks like a proper grave.The grass they only sowed about 3 to 4 weeks ago has grown and it looks so much nicer than just seeing the dirt there.I was talking to another couple there seeing to their parents grave and she told me that last august she went to get some water from the butt and whilst she was gone someone stole her handbag! how low can people get?
golemmings that is the very reason i refuse to speak to my neighbour.he has never even so much as mentioned mum dying ,even though when his wife went off and left him with two little children mum knitted for his daughter because he had no money to buy her a new cardigan.He has known my mum for about 26years and didnt even say,sorry to hear about your mum ,just nothing at all and i feel very angry about this.
You will all be pleased to know that today i have bought a lovely new frame !! i am happier about it now.I really felt awful that i had mums picture laid down yesterday instead of standing up !! I will put it in in a minute.But i just pooped on to see if you were all doing ok.First we have to emty a cupboard and dis-connect my washing machine which packed up on thursday as i have a new one coming in the morning .Anytime between 7am and noon !
Anyway now i have waffled on a bit,hope you all have an easier day tomorrow.x

pearlgirl Sun 14-Oct-12 21:54:29

I really struggle with people not mentioning my mum as it seems the world is rushing on and I still can't believe she isn't here - I knew that she was dying but don't want it to be true. I have been very hurt by my pil who have not mentioned her once even though they first met my parents 25 years ago. I guess at some point the acceptance will come but at the moment i feel so utterly sad that my mum and dad are both gone and that my beautiful boys don't have them here any more and that mum and dad are missing out on them.
Sorry - just feeling fed up and don't know how to say it to people on rl - they just see the me who is getting on and that's not the whole picture.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Sun 14-Oct-12 22:08:22

some people do not know what to say pearl girl. instead of trying they do not say anything at all incase they upset you, not realising that it feels like they are pretending she never existed.

people in real land forget, unless it has happened to them, that it is a big thing, and you have to get through a year of firsts... first christmas, birthday, anniversary etc.

can you make some memories for the boys? keep your parents alive in their memories. what did they like doing with her?

i find that i am getting on in real land, but liable to cry or get upset or not cope with trivial things. I was kept awake for 2 hours last night by a lost plimsol. it is just too much of a hassle to cope with at the moment.

sorry about the photo frame. these things are significant.

October1st Sun 14-Oct-12 22:12:32

I posted earlier in another thread about my Mum and since then the tears have not been far from my eyes. As i said she has been dead 21 years but IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY SOMETIMES.MY LOVELY DAD TOO AND ONE OF MY MY BROTHERS ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO.sOMETIMES I FEEL OVERWHELMED WITH GRIEF EVEN YET. wHAT i WOULD DO FOR A CUDDLE FROM AnY OF THEM oh sorry about the capitals just looked up at keyboard

Beachcombergirl Sun 14-Oct-12 22:14:10

I lost my mum 3 days ago. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was with her when she collapsed and died, just me and my 4 month old daughter. Her grandchild and the light of her life since my dad passed away two years ago. It was so frightening when she died and i worry i could have done more to save her. I called for an ambulance and for help straight away but i still feel terribly guilty that i could have done more. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to believe she is gone and I am utterly heartbroken. Please someone tell me it will get better. I cannot bear this pain. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mum.

At the moment we are waiting for the coroner to complete their work before we can get on and plan the funeral. I feel like life has been paused. It is so isolating and lonely. When my dad died he had been ill so as sad as the situation was we had time to prepare and when the time came we were busy with arrangements and looking after mum. Now though we are in a horrible limbo. This all feels like a sick dream.

TheFarSide Sun 14-Oct-12 22:31:46

Beachcombergirl - what a terrible shock for you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I had some time to prepare for my mum's death so I can't imagine what your experience must have been like. I can only think at least your mum was with two people so dear to her at that moment. Just make sure you get as much support as you can during these very painful early days - both practical and emotional support. This thread will be here. One day the shock and horror will fade and you will be able to think of your mum without this pain. I am thinking of you.

BCBG Sun 14-Oct-12 22:36:00

Beachcombergirl I am so sorry for your loss. Your mum died so quickly that you are shocked, and had no time to consider her passing, but remember that she had no warning, no dread, no fear and no pain, and inasmuch as that can ever be a 'good' death, she had one, close to two people she loved most in the world. Eventually you may come to take comfort from the manner of her passing.

BadRoly Sun 14-Oct-12 23:21:31

I'm so sorry Beachcombergirl. No wise words from me but a gentle hand squeeze if it helps.

pearlgirl Sun 14-Oct-12 23:39:20

So sorry Beachercombergirl - just want to echo what has been said by other posters.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 15-Oct-12 10:09:57

Beachcombergirl <hugs> It sounds as if you did all you could, sorry for your loss x

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Mon 15-Oct-12 10:27:14

beachcomb girl... hugs. so sorry for your loss. it felt like we were stuck in limbo until we had the funeral for dad... so it must be hard waiting for the coroner.

Galaxymum Mon 15-Oct-12 10:40:30

Beachcombergirl - sending you big cyber hugs and know I'm thinking of you. Waiting for the coroner's report is a really horrible time. I had this experience when my mum died following an operation in August. It IS like being in limbo as I know you can't plan anything, and it's awful having to ring people and say nothing is organised. I did actually find the coroner very personable when she did ring, and very understanding.

Aww I am thinking of you - you must be devastated. Hold on to your baby girl and give her lots of hugs. I hope you have some emotional support as you need it. Thinking of you.

mummylin Mon 15-Oct-12 16:39:50

Beachcombergirl I am so sorry to hear of the sudden passing of your mum ,we also had no warning and im sure this made us feel even worse.I can tell you that eventually the numbness will wear off ,but i cant help as far as the sadness goes.All of us on this thread are at different stages ,some deaths recent ,some many years ago now.But whatever the time difference ,we are all united in that we are grieving for our lost parents.There is no magic potion to make any of us feel better sadly.But what we can do on here is to offer our support to you. I do think it is difficult for others to understand how devastating this can be if they havent gone through it.But for myself i prefer people to at least aknowledge my mums passing.Please if you need people to chat to ,dont suffer alone ,someone will reply to you on here.

ssd Mon 15-Oct-12 20:06:13

beachcombergirl, I'm so very sorry for what has happened. I know you'll be in a bad place just now and my heart goes out to you. I echo all the posters on this thread and send you hugs and a hand to hold. My mum died unexpectantly 5 weeks ago, my dad had already died years ago and I feel the loss of my mum so much. Please post here, there are lots of caring, wise girls who will give you wonderful support and advise, they have been wonderful to me and I know you will get sympathy, empathy and lots of help.

Again, I'm sorry x

mummylin Mon 15-Oct-12 21:46:38

I am feeling very sad tonight as this time last year,myself ,my mum ,dh and two of my siblings were off on holiday tomorrow.We didnt know she only had thirteen days left to live.Its almost unbearable to think about sad

Beachcombergirl Mon 15-Oct-12 22:18:54

Thank you all for your wonderfully generous and kind words. It is comforting to read such lovely comments of support. We had the coroners report through today and as we thought she died of natural causes. At least tomorrow we can start planning the funeral. I think the pain will sink in from now on. I am dreading it but know I need to face it. Again, thank you all so much x

Rolf Mon 15-Oct-12 22:42:13

Beachcombergirl I'm so sorry about your mum. My mum died very suddenly, and the shock, in our experience, was the defining characteristic of the whole, horrible, time. All the letters we received were about how shocked everyone was. Time behaves very strangely when we are bereaved - I remember wishing I could have had just a few seconds with my Mum before she died. I hope that there will be a point when, despite the terrible shock and sadness, you can cherish having shared her last moments with her. Just as she brought you into the world, you saw her out of this world.

Beachcombergirl Mon 15-Oct-12 22:51:33

Rolf I know exactly what you mean about wishing for just a few seconds more with mum. Just to tell her I love her one more time. Just to smile with her and give her a big kiss. When dad was ill we had weeks to say our goodbyes and although I know mum knew unloved her, I feel floored by the lack of opportunity to say a proper goodbye.

What you said about her bring me into the world and me seeing her out of it is lovely. I think in tine I will get some comfort from this. At the moment it is still so raw though. My baby was crying for me as I was calling out for help. I just wish I had held mums hand as I hope so much she wasn't frightened.

Beachcombergirl Mon 15-Oct-12 22:54:15

Previous post. Not unloved, I meant I loved (damn predictive text)!

BadRoly Tue 16-Oct-12 11:42:19

Dad's 70th birthday today. We were all so convinced he would fight that bastard cancer and make it to today. So heavy hearted. Just want to scream at the world and make everyone and everything stop and remember him.

TorianaTollywobbles Tue 16-Oct-12 19:10:29

I posted earlier on this thread about my dad's death in July. We had an appointment offered to us by the hospital where he died, to discuss things with the consultant and ask any questions we may have (he died in intensive care).

So we went yesterday and actually found it very helpful and a form of closure. We were able to fully understand why it happened so quickly and why there was nothing they could do for him at the end. Just to say that if anyone is offered a similar service, I would recommend it. We were even shown his CT scans to see the lung damage (he died of acute fibrosis).

So although I still feel so so sad he was taken from us too soon and so suddenly, at least I understand how and why and this has helped with the grieving process.

TorianaTollywobbles Tue 16-Oct-12 19:16:50

Meant to say, Beachcombergirl, am so sorry for your sudden loss. It is such a shock and so hard to get your head around. I hope you are getting some support.

BadRoly <hugs> birthdays are so hard especially the special ones.

ssd Tue 16-Oct-12 19:54:48

mummylin, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. I can only say be kind to yourself, remember the holiday you had with your mum and remember how happy she was. I know its coming up to the first yr anniversary for you and I just want to send you hugs and thoughts. Its so sad, all of it.

beachcombergirl, theres not much that can help you through this time other than knowing you arent alone, you will be thought of here and helped whenever you can post, its an awful awful time and just getting through it is so hard, my sympathy to you and your baby dd.

badroly,quiet birthday wishes to your dad, and thoughts and support to you

torianatollywobbles, hope this information has helped just a little bit

hugs and sympathy to us all xx

Hello everyone, there are loads of messages since I was here a few days ago. i will go back and read them through properly but I wanted to post quickly.

Beachcombergirl My Mum found her Mum had died in the night and it was a terrible shock, really awful and unexpected. However, as time passed she found it hugely comforting to know it had been fast, painless and in her house where Granny was surrounded by people who loved her (I was asleep upstairs age3 - I remember nothing but am pleased I was there IYSWIM?) I'm so sorry you're experiencing similar, but I hope it will be of some small comfort to you later on to know that you were there. Huge unmumsnetty hugs xxxx

Ironically I have my MIL staying and she is driving me mad. I can't help resenting her being here when my dmum is notangry She is such a useless Grandmother GRRRRR

Sympathy to everyone. I am sorry to hear that so many people aer finding things a struggle at the moment. toriana really pleased that you have found some closure and help from meeting the consultant.

beachcombergirl what you have experienced is awful, but I really do believe that in time you will find comfort that your darling mum spent her last moments with her daughter and granddaughter and that she won't have suffered.

It has taken me a VERY long time to get comfort from the fact that my dad must have died very quickly, so he won't have suffered. He was found in his hotel room, on his bed. If he had died anything other than suddenly, he would have had time to make a phone call for help. I hate that he was alone, but he was at a conference doing what he really loved, so I kind of take comfort from that.

Think I am off to make a cuppa, and have a little cry. Missing my dad a lot since we moved house, and wishing he could have seen it. He would have loved it, I know, and been so excited for us all.

Had a really positive couple of days and now my twatty brother has dragged me back down with a bump sad . I do some freelance work other than my "proper" job and was away for 2 days working. It went really well and my boss was very complimentary, it was a boost I needed. then this morning I get an arsey phonecall from my older brother about sorting stuff to with my dad's finances/will etc. I had spent a day with my mum last week sorting stuff and had chatted with my other brother's partner about what I had done. I also left a detailed not explaining everything so things wouldn't get doubled up on. He phoned to check stuff and was rude, patronising and just a twat really. I could just sit down and cry.

note not not grin

ssd Wed 17-Oct-12 16:11:51

hobnobs, have a cry, sometimes thats all you can do sad


Beachcombergirl Thu 18-Oct-12 00:03:26

Thanks all. We are now able to plan the funeral. Spent the day choosing the order of service, getting clothes for mum to wear organised etc. I just feel sick thinking about it all. It still feels like a bad dream and I just want to wake up. Because I was with her when it happened so suddenly I also feel so vulnerable that anyone I love could die suddenly. I have to keep checking dd regularly when asleep to see she's ok. It's all so frightening.

I miss my mum and feel so cheated. Dd is so little and I just want mum around to share in all the joy that she brings us. My dd has lost a whole wealth of unconditional love, and I'm now nobodies child. It's so overwhelming I'm struggling to take it all in.

The support of this forum as well as of course mums friends and family is a real blessing

ssd Thu 18-Oct-12 09:45:59

beach, I totally understand

am going to work but will come back later, just didnt want you to feel too alone


Hugs to all - I don't seem to be able to compose my thoughts coherently to respond but I read & am thinking of you all.

I've bought a candle to light on mum's birthday (early nov).

I chat to her in my head, as I imagine she would have been had she not been ill. I've seen things I will take to be signs rather than coincidences - a white feather on a bramble bush (she used to make blackberry jelly), an unexpected welsh dragon on a van (I'm nowhere near Wales, but mum was welsh).

I saw an article on the BBC news site about images of deep space captured by a new telescope (I think). There were myriads of galaxies in only a tiny tiny portion of sky. To echo bill Bryson, I thought how utterly amazing that my mum, we, this species, this planet exist/ed at all, yet for one brief and glorious moment, we have and we are. My mum was part of this glorious moment, so are all your parents and all of you.

Galaxymum Thu 18-Oct-12 12:32:36

Beachcomber - I know exactly how you are feeling about being nobpdy's child. That is my overwhelming feeling at the moment. I feel like a whole part of me is lost with my mum.

I went through the same as you in August - doing the Order of Service, choosing a coffin, flowers, getting clothes ready - all on my own. It was like this bad dream, I agree. I couldn't believe I was doing all these things and not even my DH could really help. I didn't want him to, I felt and do feel so precious over my mum.

I think the funeral is a huge hurdle to get over but actually I found the anticipation far worse. The day was comforting as so many people had lovely stories they wanted to share. For me, it's now.....the quiet period as everyone got onw ith their lives that is driving me mad.

I want to say "OK enough now, I want to wake up and have you back" to my mum. I've never felt so intensely down and I miss her so much it hurts. DH just can't grasp how overwhelming the feeling is that I've lost my muma nd best friend. You can't replace your mum or dad. That's the key - I can't say "Mum" to anyone else. I don't come first to anyone!

BreconBeBuggered Thu 18-Oct-12 12:57:54

^^Yes, I can identify with that pain. In real life, it's not something I feel I can share. Fortysomething woman orphaned - hold the front page - No. We're supposed to get on with it. My mum died very suddenly in her mid-50s some years ago, and I often still wonder what she's doing, being dead. That wasn't meant to happen to my mum. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness this spring, and died a few weeks later. We had time to prepare for that, and make the arrangements he wanted, but in some respects it seems that being strong for him and the rest of the family has made it harder for me to grieve properly.

Consequently, it's assumed I'm dealing with it better than I am, which is to say not at all. I have siblings, but I live away from our home town, and now I don't know where I'm supposed to go back to. I feel myself drifting away from friends as well as the rest of the family, and I don't know how to stop myself being marooned altogether.

mummylin Thu 18-Oct-12 13:54:54

i too was extremely anxious about mums funeral and didnt think i would get through it,yes i cried the whole time through it and stayed by mums coffin until the last person had left the church.This is what i had asked to be able to do.But once we got to mums wake the tension seemed to ease a bit and was much easier than i thought it would be.I am feeling it more and more now the months have passed.I cannot believe i havent seen my mum for nearly a year.It all seems like only last week to me.I often wonder " where is she ?" can she see me and things like that.All of us siblings [ apart from sister in another town ] are planning to go to a show on the day after mums anniversary.We thought it would give us something to look forward to after the horrible previous day which is looming.Why is my brain constantly going over and over the whole thing.This is what is driving me crazy.I just cannot bear the though that mum would be sad .alone and scared although the hospital did say she died very quickly.But it dosent help me at all im afraid.The sac around her heart ruptured,and it was because of the blood thinnner they gave her.The blood then filled up the sac quicker than her heart could pump it back out.sad

Yes I agree organising a funeral is a surreal experience. I think you can only do what feels right to you, what is the best way to commemorate your parent. Mum actually left us hints for hymns etc (in a notebook I had given her when her hospital stays were getting her down) so it was great to include all that she had wanted although the practicalities were difficult. She wanted her funeral to be conducted in her old church and by her old minister over an hour away from her new home! We managed nearly all of it which gives me some peace tbh.

It's the days/weeks/months after which seem interminable. I can't believe she has gone, every morning after drop off I go to ring her and of course I can'tsad I too wonder if she can see us. Dd took part in her first sports event representing the school yesterday - Mum would have been so so proud as neither my sister or I are sporty at all!

Her birthday is in November which I'm dreading. We'll need to spend it with dad but what do we do other than cry???

Sorry - all me me me there - it all pours out on this thread, as I don't seem to have others to share it with...

I am reading and thinking deeply about all of you - it seems that our emotions and expereinces are very similar, so sharing is definitely helpful xxx

Just feel so sad today. Back to work for the first time and feel drained tonight. Everyone is so kind sad. I feel like the initial kicked in the guts shock has gone and now I just feel sad.

EchoBitch Thu 18-Oct-12 17:45:22

GalaxyMum,my Mum died in August too.

It's that thing of always knowing i came first with her and much as i love DP and he me,it was totally unconditional with Mum,and i can't ring her up when i want and she doesn't ring me anymore.

And i think about her saved number on my phone and it's crazy to think i'll never ring it again.

And i don't want Christmas because i can't buy Mum cards and Grandma cards and i never will again and i caught myself looking at toiletries in Boots for her and a calendar on the market,things i got for her every year.

ssd Thu 18-Oct-12 19:30:04

I understand how you are all feeling and I'm sorry


pearlgirl Thu 18-Oct-12 19:58:38

Echo - i so understand that looking at things for Christmas gifts - i was looking at toiletries in M&S and suddenly realised that I won't be buying them this year and the whole thing becomes overwhelming again. Mum died in July and I have hardly had time to draw breath - just feel i am delaying accepting the reality of the new world I now inhabit, where everything is so familiar and yet so changed.

ssd Thu 18-Oct-12 21:26:14

I feel really alone just now, I wish I had some family near me I was close to, really feel like me and dh are true orphans now. The only members of our family who cared about our kids were the gp's, my mum especially. They are all now dead and all we have are our siblings, who are distant, uncaring and uninvolved with our kids. And our kids are great,, they are really nice but they have no one except me and dh who cares about them, its pitiful.

I hate it, theres no one there for us at all

mummylin Fri 19-Oct-12 00:39:06

EchoBitch you can give your mum a card,either by taking one to the cemetery or putting one by a special photo of her.I have mentioned somewhere on the thread that last xmas i got one from clintons which was especially for mums no longer with us.It was laminate so didnt get ruined in the rain as well.
ssd If i lived where you do i would invite you round for a cuppa! then we could sit and cheer each other up.Or just be miserable if we wanted to.I am sorry there seems to no-one in real life for you,but to be honest i dont talk to real people much about it because i can see that they dont like me going on about it,so i say nothing.
For everyone who will be spending their first xmas without their parent and are dreading it,i was in your situation last year,mum had died 7 weeks before.I really was terrified about it,but i have to say it was not as bad as i expected it to be.So i hope this will make you dread it just a little bit less.

ssd Fri 19-Oct-12 09:56:09

thanks mummylin, I'd enjoy that cuppa! Thinking about it, I do have dh to talk to (though he just nods...) and I've been trying to see friends more to get me a bit out of myself IYKWIM. But you know how it is, people are busy/have their own real life problems and sometimes I spend a bit too much time alone with my thoughts. What I miss is the lack of family around us, dh's parents are dead and his siblings have never been interested in us, they are a bit wierd to be honest, and my siblings seem to be getting on with their busy lives and arent grieving over mum at all. This isnt my imagination, they have both told me how once they got home (straight after the funeral) they went back to being busy with their lives and families and dont really think about mum.....I'm going to bed reading how to cope with bereavement books and they have been on holiday and talking about all the parties they are going to at Xmas........further up this thread, I think it was this thread, I wrote about how I have accepted their atitude as normal for them, but to be honest it really floors me and makes me feel even more alone than I do already. I feel totally like a single child who's lost their parents and not as a younger sister who has older siblings and we have all lost our mum. I wish I could stop thinking about them as siblings, it just hurts that they have never been there for me, bit when mum was here and now she's gone. I need to move away from thinking they might give me some support, this is whats causing me to feel so lonely. If it was just me in the family now I'd feel alone but not look to anyone, but having older siblings there who arent there IYSWIM makes it a hundred times worse. I dont know if anyone here has experienced this at all? It adds to the grief I feel and makes me feel desperate.

That is so hard ssd, remind yourself that you had such a wonderful relationship with your Mum and they have really missed out. In the long term I hope this gives you comfort, you were always there which is why it hurts so much. I wish I could meet for a cuppa too - it definitely would help to talk to someone who is on my wavelength!

Here is a virtual brew for everyone on this thread!

ssd Fri 19-Oct-12 12:16:47

thanks maybe x

eachpeach11 Sat 20-Oct-12 12:51:03

Hi. I am grieving both of my parents still. Dad died many years ago but I was coping well. Pain eased over years and of course I still had my wonderful mum. However, mum passed away 18 months ago and this has been tough. Her loss and the pregnancy/ birth of my latest dd seems to have made loss of dad come back to bite me.
Mother's Day and Father's Day were both especially tough this year. I even found myself in tears on a bus when I heard a couple talk about getting money out to treat grandchildren. At the time I was pregnant and couldn't help feeling sad that the baby inside me would only have 1 nanny.
Now dd is here I also feel so lonely. I used to ring my mum everyday and I so miss these calls. Do have friends and other family but it just isn't the same.
Sending condolences to all. Bereavement is rubbish.

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 14:03:56

Hi everyone. Ssd I feel for you and know what you are going through. I lost my mum suddenly to a stroke 6mths ago and it's pretty raw still from time to time. It has got a little easier as times gone on. Virtual hug for you and everyone on this thread.

I also miss the chats and the little things that meant so much to me and her. Some days I feel empty still, and very hard to even think of Christmas let alone look at presents :-/ but I'm trying to think different as I know it will make her sad to see us sad for Christmas and not enjoy it, I want her to look down and smile at us. But it kills knowing she isn't here for it. :-(

I went to see the councillor yesterday at cruse bereavement I actually
thought I was ok but do u know what I don't think I am totally. I
relly released how I felt, there were bits
I e the hospital and the last moments, funeral etc. I have held a lot
in as being there for my dad and my brother and all the crap between
them they said I've got to concentrate on me more. And put a big
distance between me and my brother. My brothers selfishness is unbeliable and in his grief moments hes been very nasty and cold. He doesnt talk about my mum too which i find difficult so my dad off loads on me more.
She said my grief is still raw
with the whole missing her It really was a good idea to have the
session, I'm going to have another 2!

Thinking of you all x

mummylin Sat 20-Oct-12 14:08:27

It is one of the most painful things i have ever gone through,despite losing a 26yr old sister.I thought that was bad but losing my lovely mum seems to be even worse.Maybe the pain of my sister has gone now as its its 22yrs on.I am feeling more down as it gets nearer to the day of the 1st anniversary of my mums loss.I seem to have such an unsettled feeling inside me.I said this to my dh but he dosent understand how sad i still am about it all.The thought of so many years ahead without her are so painful to think about at the moment.I guess its the same for everyone on this thread,not just me.people say you are not dealt more than you can cope with.I wonder if this is true ?

Onadietcolabreak Sat 20-Oct-12 14:21:25

Hi all, just found this thread, deepest condolences too you all x

I lost my Dad in August, I am still coming to terms with it.

It's not very straight forward, as he left us (me, my DM and younger DB) when I was young - for another Family. He kept in touch at first, but would disappear from our lives on and off. But for the last five years, we had a fantastic relationship, we became very close and a fantastic grandad to my DCs.

I feel, that because we were only reconciled for the last few years, my grief is a little invalid in everyone else's eyes.

I was left our of the funeral arrangements, and went there feeling I wasnt very welcome and his step children read letters and spoke at the service, but I wasn't invited too.

I miss him so much! Now my poor DCs are without a grandad and there so little this time last year, we spent so much time together, bonfire night and Christmas, I wish I'd spent even more time with him, five years just wasn't enough!

I didn't cry that much at first, but since the funeral, I can't stop. But can't talk about it with anyone.

shallweshop Sat 20-Oct-12 18:44:06

I am so sorry for everyone's loss and the grief they are going through. I relate to most of what's been said - there are so many facets of grieving. I worry that I am suffering with a bit of depression since losing dad in april (mum died 6 years ago). Life just doesn't hold as much joy for me, I find it hard to look forward to things and just keep dwelling on my loss and my own mortality and worrying about being here for my kids (especially as there is hardly any other family left). I know I have so much to be thankful for and just want to snap out of this half life that I seem to be living at the moment.

I have seen a couple of references to cruse bereavement counselling and am wondering whether to give it a try.

Sounds a bit self pitying I know but just needed to get it off my chest.

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 20:18:18

Shallweshop - I really would recommend CRUSE they were brilliant, I didn't have to skirt round my dads feelings, my brothers, my children's anyone's, it was me on my own with these strangers who were really lovely understanding. It really helped me to release a lot, things which I obviously still bothered me and I didn't realise things I'd shut out.

Mummylin, it must be so hard for you with the anniversary coming up, thinking of you through these hard days/ months. Here if you need a chat, or even message me anytime. It is very hard, I went to my mum and dads today and my dad wanted to go through stuff of hers and we found receipts and things she wrote out, me and my dad had some tears together. I feel her close to me after which I take comfort from xx

ssd Sat 20-Oct-12 20:27:29

I sympathise and agree with everyone here

I'm wondering if I should try cruse counselling too, like many of you here I'm finding dealing with the lack of empathy from my siblings hard to take, its clouding how I'm dealing with my grief, I'm just so angry at their lack of feelings towards mum. One of them invited us for xmas, but knowing they'll be happy and cheerful at xmas almost crucifies me, I know I'll be feeling totally down and they'll be drinking champagne and loving it. The lack of someone to share my loss of mum is a killer. I guess this might be something they'd address in counselling, I've seen here and felt the death of your mum or dad affects you in so many ways, I guess that must be relevant in counselling. I dont think its self pitying shallweshop, I think we're just being realistic.
Onadietcolabreak, that sounds very hard to deal with, you have my sympathy too.

bereavement is rubbish, its so true

LadyKooKoo Sat 20-Oct-12 20:34:36

My Dad passed away on Christmas Day 2010, I was ill myself at the time and so wasn't able to go to his funeral, in fact I didn't even know he had passed away until weeks after the funeral. I feel like he is here with me every day and I am still waiting for it to kick in that I will never see him again.

ssd Sat 20-Oct-12 20:37:23

eachpeach, I feel like that too... when my dad died I was absolutely heartbroken, I couldnt talk about him or even say the word "dad" for ages, I was just in peices.
but since my mum has died, I totally feel like I'm living in a parrallel universe, like the world is now turning in the opposite direction. everything else inside the world is the same, the kids and dh, our jobs/schools etc etc, but the universe itself has shifted and it'll never go back to how it was, it'll never turn in the other direction again, it'll turn this opposite way for the rest of my life.

her loss feels so total its unbelievable

ssd Sat 20-Oct-12 20:38:59

ladykookoo, how sad, Christmas day, I'm so so sorry

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:19:18

Onadietcolabreak - so sorry your going through this, my sympathies are with you.

Is there anything of his you can put out on a shelf or maybe plant a rose bush or shrub in e garden in memory of him, or a plant in doors, or a special song he loved. Or I also light a candle for my mum and it makes me feel closer to her.

Sending your a virtual hug, this is such a hard time for you but to go through what you went through was awful with the way people treated you. My brother is and has been awful to me, there Is a big distance between us now. X

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:23:00

Ladykookoo-so sorry to hear this, poor you. Must be so hard over christmas but Christmas day is awful. I lost my grandad over Christmas eve.

Take care and thoughts are with you with the time ahead x

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:33:49

Ssd I have the same here with my brother and his wife!! You be how you want to be, tey have to get used to me talking about my mum in a spiritual sense as to me that helps me to feel closer to her. I know this is each to their own though. But it's the whole not talking about her or cutting me down if I say something. It's easier for me not to be around him for me.

shallweshop Sun 21-Oct-12 08:21:55

t875, thanks, think I will contact cruse. It's nice to hear that going through your mums things made you feel close to her - that's something my sister and I need to tackle soon.

Ssd - I understand the whole shifted universe thing - things are the same but the world is totally changed.

Mummylin - thinking of you and will be here to support you through this hard time. X

ssd Sun 21-Oct-12 11:33:24

Its so good we have this thread to come to, I feel like its like a refuge for us lonely souls who miss our mums or dads, or both, and can't keep explaining it in real life to people who look at us blankly or worse with sympathy but no understanding.

I feel we all understand each other and theres no need to explain what we mean or why we're saying what we're saying, which is so important, as people even in our own family can't understand our grief and how it's affected us. After never believing in anything spiritual or heaven or anything (complete atheist), I now find myself believing mum has gone onto another world very close to this one, the other side as spiritualists call it. I sometimes feel she's close to me, almost with me and I can talk to her and hear what she replies. Although when I'm feeling sceptical and don't feel she near me or she's just gone completely I feel very lonely and lost and I'm feeling that more and more. I've bought a couple of books about mediums and a lot of what I'm reading makes sense, but although I feel I've had signs from mum, I wish I had something concrete to hold onto, especially in the really dark times I feel I've totally lost her and I just want to be with her. I know, like shallweshop, that I should let go and be grateful for what I do have, but I find it so hard to move on, some days when I'm busy I feel I'm coming to terms with it, but then other days when I'm alone it smacks me in the face again and I feel back to square one. Thats when I turn on the pc and log onto this thread, I feel I'm amongst kindred spirits.
Thanks mummylin again for starting this thread, you don't know how much you've helped me just by doing that. One of my "grief" books says sometimes in the run up to the anniversary of the death your body kind of start reliving the events and gets very tired and run down and its just a reaction to how your mind is feeling, does that make sense to you? My sympathy to you and everyone on here

t875 Sun 21-Oct-12 18:35:49

Ssd - I totally know what you are saying with what you put, when my grief hits me it hits me so bad, i feel suffocated some days with the whole her not around, and not being able to talk to her. I am the same also with the spiritualism, i have been like this though before my mum as my friend is a medium, but unfortunately she is too close to my mum and it was upsetting her to do a reading. But she has told me that she is ok and happy. But i do take great comfort from receiving the messages and signs and also may sound crazy and i swear i don't need to be carted off to the funny farm, but apparently i read a few places, if you have a tingling or a warmth on a certain part of your body, mine is my right foot, it is apparently someone you have lost close to you.

Not sure how believable that it is, but it is strange how i keep getting it happen and has only happened since my mum passing.

I was sorting out a drawer in my room today, needed doing..and found a lovely bookmark which she gave me with a lovely verse, cried a river, but it was nice to have.

Thinking of you all x

ssd Sun 21-Oct-12 20:31:56

hi t875, wow having a friend who is a medium. TBH before my mum died I took no notice of this stuff before, but now it consumes me.I'd love to talk to a medium, but I have no clue how to meet one. Thats interesting about the tingling thing, I've never heard of that before, but if it helps you then thats great.

think of you too xx

t875 Sun 21-Oct-12 21:36:34

Hi Ssd! I also found a lady from the paper and googled her she was very lovely too.

There is also the spiritualist church, if you want to message me more on the spiritual side ssd your more than welcome xx

ssd Sun 21-Oct-12 23:23:45

t875, I'll message you tomorrow after work x

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 22-Oct-12 10:07:43

Hi. I haven't posted on this thread for a few days, but I check it every day and think of you all often.
ssd I am the same as you- complete atheist, and agree with what you said yesterday about not believing in heaven. This is something I struggle with, wondering where my mum is. I find it so hard to think that she isn't anywhere.
It's my birthday tomorrow, my first without my mum here and I don't want it. Then next week will be mums birthday sad
Hope everyones okay today xx

t875 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:34:08

BiscuitandBaileys - The firsts especially birthdays are very hard, i remember mine was awful and when hers was around was hard. We let off a balloon with a message attached and had fish and chips as she loved that.

Thinking of you through this very hard time ahead. xx

I am struggling a lot more lately its been 6 months, going over the last days, the hospital, the funeral, it all seems to have hit me all over again.. the grief seems to be hard and missing her is harder right now! Cried a river to 'ill see you again' by west life, made me feel close to her and the words are fantastic but my god did i cry.

oh well, we move on and soldier on eh! xx

t875 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:45:20

meant not move on..i find that hard to do, soldier on is more like it for me xx

I want to add biscuitandbaileys your birthday will be hard what drove me forward is knowing she would want me to be enjoying it being the type of person she was on earth. Maybe you could do something that you would have done together. x

mummylin Mon 22-Oct-12 17:51:31

Hello everyone.Hope you are all doing as well as can be.I am getting more anxious as the days are getting closer to "that" day.Its interestingwhat the book says about reliving everything ,that is exactly what i am doing day by day at the moment. I too cannot accept that my mum has gone and i will never see her again.Maybe with acceptance comes the healing.I dont know i havent reached that point yet.It all feels like its only in the last couple of weeks it has happened ,but of course it is now nearly a year.I am not feeling any better and i miss her terribly.In some ways i envy my siblings who all seemed to of got to a better place than me,but on the other hand it makes me feel angry that they have.I have felt at times that i wanted to be with her,but this is not something i would contemplate in the light of day.I just felt like it.which if you knew me in Rl i would be the last person you would think of to have these feelings.My family are all very loving people and i suppose i am glad they do not feel so bad now.But i do and wish they could all acknowledge that.This is all a bit garbled .today as im just typing things as they come into my head ! Compared to some of you i am very lucky in that i do have a close family.For some of you this must be even more trauma to add to your situation.I am so sorry for everyone on this thread.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 22-Oct-12 19:24:22

Thanks t875 Soldier on is a good way of putting it. From what I have read on this thread it's something we all do to get through each day.
I know what you mean about reliving things. Most days I'm "okay" but on a bad day I go over and over things in my head and find it hard to think of anything else.
I think having a good old cry is sometimes a good thing, it's better to let it all out xx

I hope you manage to have a bearable day on your birthday BiscuitsandBaileys, I found it a difficult day but am glad to have one 'first' done and dusted. It's Mum's birthday next month and the dread is there...

I don't know what I believe re: if not Heaven than where? I was brought up a Christian and Mum's final days involved the minister coming, it was very very imprortant to her and a comfort to us TBH. But I have always struggled to believe there is anything there - I wish I did believe....

Hope everyone can find the strength to cope with their losses - I am thinking of you all xx

NulliusInBlurba Mon 22-Oct-12 19:37:51

It's taken me nearly a month to get round to posting on this thread. It's part of the whole process of being able to even write that my mum has died. She died in August too.

"I went through the same as you in August - doing the Order of Service, choosing a coffin, flowers, getting clothes ready - all on my own. It was like this bad dream, I agree. I couldn't believe I was doing all these things and not even my DH could really help." Same here Galaxymum. I'd had months beforehand of my mum being critically ill, she survived intensive care once although we were told she wouldn't make it, but next time she dipped she wasn't strong enough to pull through. The worst thing is that I live in a different country and had to keep flying back at short notice - in the end I missed her dying by a matter of three hours, and will probably never forgive myself for that. Then there was an insane two week period of planning the funeral all by myself, and worst of all, clearing out the flat, throwing out rubbish, cancelling all the utilities, sorting out the banks, working out what I need to ship back to my house, what goes to charity, etc. At least it took my mind off things for a while. But now I'm back home, and every time the phone rings I have a second of thinking 'that will be my mum, haven't heard from her in a while' before it really hits home again. Even though we lived in different countries we phoned each other every day in the last year.

Christmas is going to be a real bugger. And her birthday is - was - shortly after Xmas, so there's a double whammy to get through.

ssd Mon 22-Oct-12 20:54:36

biscuitsandbaileys, hope your birthday is okay, as much as it can anniversary and birthday was just after mum dying, on my birthday the only post I got was her funeral couldn't make it up sad

hi Nullius, sorry you are here too

it can only get better folks x

mummylin Mon 22-Oct-12 21:05:53

Tonight i have been out for a pub dinner with my dh and one of my brothers.During the course of conversation i heard them talking about going to football next week.When i asked them when, it appears that my dh and two of my brothers are going to watch our town play on the evening of mums anniversary. I kept quiet but i am feeling so upset about it.I know that life goes on and that i cannot expect everything to stop for everyone else but i feel incredibly hurt,especially towards my dh because it means i will be sat here on my own on the very day i am dreading.

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 22-Oct-12 21:07:08

ssd that is awful, I'm sorry to hear that sad

nullius sorry for your loss. Nine months on I still think it will be my mum on the phone xx

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 22-Oct-12 21:08:11

mummylin you know we will all be here for you xx

Onadietcolabreak Mon 22-Oct-12 21:30:16

Thank you t875
I don't understand people who seam to cope with grief by just being nasty, I have lost a lot of family in the last 3 years, and I always think its a time to cherish and give thanks for your love ones you have left, as you never know what life can bring.

Great ideas to remember him by, I will be planting a rose garden in his memory in spring, especially poignant, as the hose we have now, was given to us by him.

I'm also going to buy my DCs a potted Christmas tree for them to grow for there grandad. As he loved Xmas, we had a great time together last year - it was my DD 1st Xmas and my 1st as a single mum, but he came to the rescue, I think otherwise I would have been a total mess, and this year, I'm going to try to make it the Christmas he would have loved, I just hope I can hold it together in reality.

How awful mummylin I think some people really, just don't think. I'm sure everyone here will be here for a chat x

Onadietcolabreak Mon 22-Oct-12 21:30:50


t875 Tue 23-Oct-12 00:03:34

mummylin-hugs to you, that must have been hard to hear was happening. Can you let them know how you feel? If it doesnt work out for it to be together then do something special with your family what your mum would have liked to do, little things. And maybe buy some flowers, thinking of you through this hard time and we are here for you xx

onadietcokebreak - That sounds a lovely idea with the rose plant and thats given me an idea on the potted christmas plant for the children, what a lovely idea. Let me know where you see one. x

ssd - poor you so sorry to hear this around your birthday time, x

biscuitandbaileys - Hope your birthday went as good as it could do, sending you thoughts and support. x

Nulliunin blurba - Sorry also to hear your news, thinking of you through this hard time, we are all here on this thread for eachother. I have been coming here for 6 mths and ive found it such a support and comfort. x

Maybeyoushoudldrive - It is very tough with the firsts and my mums birthday was very hard, but it went along nicely good as it could do, we played my mums favourite music and we all shared memories and fun things that made us laugh, felt she was around too which helped. x

Anyone who needs a hug im sending it, my thoughts are with you all xx

very sad song and you will cry a river, but the lyrics to west lifes 'ill see you again' is really lovely, i do cry a lot though when i listen to it.

mummylin Tue 23-Oct-12 12:47:51

Oh yes i will be taking flowers to the cemetery in the daytime for both mum and sister [ only 3 days apart] its just that i would of thought they could at least give up footi for one night.Yes i did remind them it is the anniversary but nothing more was said.As for those of you who want to get a rose bush ,i did post way down the thread that i have a rose bush bought for me by one of my brothers and it is called the same name as my mum.There is a lovely rose grower called David austen/ austin and you may find you can get a commerative rose with the same name as your parents too.The company is on the web.I also intend to put something in the memoriam column in our local paper [ you never know maybe she can read it ] !

mummylin Tue 23-Oct-12 12:53:58
DistressedMumHELP Tue 23-Oct-12 13:04:26

I can't remember my dad but it will be 23years since he passed on Halloween. I still think about him and wonder what life would have been like with him. Though I was too little to remember him I still love him and have had the memories that should have been made snatched from me.

BadRoly Tue 23-Oct-12 13:33:09

If it's any help to you biscuits (and anyone else approaching birthdays), last week was my Dad's 70th and 3 days later it was my birthday. In my head I'd built up Dad's birthday to be a huge deal so when it actually came round, it wasn't as bad as I'd convinced myself it would be. My birthday was then ok, mostly due to dh being a bloody star and letting me be a Princess for the day, then friends taking us out to a function and everyone there also making me feel like a Princess. blush

So my point is that we can build things up in our head so much that the reality is not nearly so bad as we have 'prepared' for.

But then I also found this about the weekend we went to say goodbye to my Dad, knowing that the next time we 'saw' him would be at the funeral. Now I feel lucky that we had that weekend as (WARNING - about to get very Jeremy Kyle) the following Sunday, dh's stepfather died unexpectedly.

Yes, my children lost 2/3 of their granddads (the 2 hands on ones at that) 4 days apart. May was a bit shit.

Oh arse, sorry, I've gone all waffle again.

Thanks for the rose link mummylin will be putting in an ordersmile

distressedmumHELP that's such a sad story, have your family talked about your Dad so you 'know' him in your thoughts? He wil always be your Dad whether you remember him or not - I never met my Grandfather but he was a hero in the War and I am so proud of him and hope I manage to make him proud of mesmile

t875 you are amazing to have namechecked so many people - I am in awe! I do read everyone's posts, but I'm not always good at picking out the pertinent bitssad I must try harder!

t875 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:33:49

Oh It's very rare for me sit here for a long space of time! I doubt I could do
All the time pulled away by the kids, f book games
oh and house work! smile

Hope everyone is doing ok today! Tough day bit teary :-(
I swear it's Christmas coming that's rocked me or being
6 months!?

Thinking of you all x

t875 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:35:54

Distressed mum- I'm sure your grandfather is proud of you!!
Keeping my mums memory alive is very important
To me. And keeping her in my thoughts, you are so right x

t875 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:43:08

Mummylin - I was thinking about a memorial piece in the paper
Or even naming a star in the sky I think it's about 50 quid. Thank you
For the link for the roses. x

Bad Roly- how awful for you all. What a time you had the
Year. So very sorry to hear of your losses. Thinking of you

Onadietcolabreak Tue 23-Oct-12 22:50:49

Big virtual hug t875

Another lovely MNetter gave me the Chrismas tree Idea. I like the idea they can bring it in for chritmas, decorate for him then repot in the garden and maybe one day take to there own home maybe, Im doing some research to find a dwarf version, so it wont out grow the garden, Ill let you know as soon as I find something.

Badroly How awful, really feel for you and your DCs, my DS keeps saying he's so sad he no longer has a Grandad (we lost my granddad Feb '11, he was a truly great man) I dont have the hart to tell him he still has a Grandad left, as his paternal GD wants nothing to do with him sad

How is everyone feeling today? Sending everyone a virtual hug.

Been feeling very down this week, probably an accumulation of things - I saw a blue thread on the floor, like the piece we used to lower mum's ashes into her parents grave, put her name on a memorial service list, & my birthday & hers are coming up soon, the first since she passed.

Thank you for the roses link, mummylin.

mummylin Wed 24-Oct-12 09:20:31

good morning everyone.I think the weather is matching my mood at the moment.Just to let you know that my rose is a beautiful pale pink / salmon colour and the best thing is that its fragrant and smells lovely.I have it in my front garden and i also have the little plaque that the undertakers placed on mums grave.When we had the headstone done i bought the little one home and its by mums rose.Of course i am now counting down the days and reliving each day leading up to the worst day of my life.Its almost unbearable but i know it has to come.It will be the last of the firsts. Hugs to you all, i know we can all do with them.x

ssd Wed 24-Oct-12 19:41:49

hugs from me too x

was just working out tonight how long its been since mum died, its 6 and 1/2 weeks

thats nothing isn't it, don't know why but it feels much longer, maybe because every day feels like a lifetime

then again it feels like forever without her, but she is constantly on my mind and I cant believe shes gone

I know 6 and 1/2 weeks is nothing, but it feels like a million years of divide between my safe old life and this life I'm lost in. I go to work smiling, make dinner, deal with stuff, but inside I'm floundering, its all an act

I contacted cruse today and left a couple of messages, I recognise I need something to help me through this, I cant do it alone, its too enormous

mummylin, I'm sending strength to help you through these awful days too

hugs and love to us all xx

ssd Wed 24-Oct-12 19:48:22

ds1 keeps asking me "what's up with you"

a few weeks ago I told him I'm sad about gran

he said in astonishment "aren't you over that yet"

its amazing how the world stops for us and for others life goes on

BTW I don't want the ds's to be sad, they grieved more immediately than me, it hit them straight away and then they came to terms with it

I feel like its continued to hit me in waves, sometimes gently lapping at my mind when I'm busy and getting on with things, other times hitting me like a tidal wave and almost knocking me off my feet with the strength of my feelings

one thing I'm realising is that I need help with this, I can't get through this on my own

I hope cruse phone me back

ssd Wed 24-Oct-12 20:03:35

Beachcombergirl, stupid to ask, but how are you? has the funeral been?

remember we're here anytime you need to unleash your emotions

am thinking of you x

Wishing you strength, mummylin x

ssd, I know what you mean about it feeling like a million years when it's really several weeks, every second takes me further away from when she was alive. I hope cruse call you back.

ssd Wed 24-Oct-12 20:58:29

mummylin, I;ve just seen this beautiful poem on another bereavement thread and immediately though of you

one year

one year will pass
i can feel it edging closer
how will the world seem then?
it wont have changed as we have
how could it?
12 months are not enough

some say times a healer
we know that isn't true
12 months, 12 years 12 lifetimes
wont change things for me and you
but now we know we are not alone
but the world is not as we thought
there are hearts as ours that have suffered so
many that are torn apart

one year will come and then be gone
some will notice then move on
yet however many years go by
our tears will fall and we will cry
together forever my love
to some we may try to explain
to others we may not
about the pain the grief and the loss

and then i guess another year
will be here and gone
and the world still wont look
as it once had done

but one thing will have remained true
thats the love between me and you

I hope the girls from mia's mums thread dont mind me borrowing it for you


t875 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:35:19

Mummylin - thinking of you i have that I. April and I'm
So not looking forward to it one bit. Hugs to you!
The garden tribute area you have sounds lovely
I bet your mum is loving looking at it too. x

Ssd - good luck with cruse. 61/2 weeks is still so
Early, I remember at that time is was so very hard
Still not fine all the time now after 6 mths. But how you
Described it how I feel about the tidal wave!

Hugs for us all! Thinking of you all xx

t875 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:38:39

I come accross a poem called letter from heaven
I won't put it in here incase anyone is uncomfortable
Reading it. But if anyone wants it pm me, unless your
All ok. But I have to say it really helped me to read it
From possibly who knows - get perspective looking
Down on me.


mummylin Thu 25-Oct-12 00:18:20

ssd thankyou that just about sums it all up dosent it.Tonight i had to go past the hospital and i could not help feeling horrible thoughts about the place. I had only 6 more days left with my mum on this date last year.It is just so painful.She wasnt even ill ,we had no clue what was around the corner.It is just so awful to think about for me.I think i have delayed reaction as for the first few months there was so much to do.As i have said before the last thing was the headstone which was end of July.Since then i seem to be getting deeper and deeper into grieving.But i know that i will be ok eventually and i will be able to think about her without all this awful pain.Thankyou to everyone for your kind thoughts.In fact we will all get through this with support from each other.It just takes time and grief has to run its course.Goodnight all ,its bedtime now for me x

Gosh so many of us heresad it's lovely to 'meet' everyone.

ssd have you heard back from Cruse yet? I've heard wonderful things about them, but have been reluctant to contact them myself (don't know why). I really hope they give you a bit of support, it's still such early days for you... Your poem is beautiful, I must try to remember it for when the time comes..

t875 is the poem you mention by Rachel Loveday? If it is a friend sent it to me and it did give me some comfort.

I'm having problems with my Dad. We invited him to come to stay for half term but he's told me he thinks he'll stay put for the winter nowsad he lives about 4 hours away so we can't just pop in. We're going to go up for the weekend but dd is desperate to stay here for Halloween because her friends are having a party so we can't manage more than that... Then we'll be back up for the w/e of the 16th Nov for Mum's birthday and then there's there's Christmas to talk about. AAAGH, I would really love him to spend some time with us here, but dh has offered to pick him up etc and he's saying nosad

I guess we'll just have to cope long distance...

ssd Thu 25-Oct-12 17:04:33

t875, I'd love to read that poem, I had a lovely poem sent me, if I can I'll copyit for you and send you a pm

havent heard bck from cruse yet, really hope I do, am relying on this to savehelp me

Beachcombergirl Fri 26-Oct-12 02:16:27

Thank you. The funeral was earlier this week. It was such a difficult day saying goodbye to my darling mum who died so suddenly is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I actually read a poem at the funeral. I thought I was going to faint before standing up to do this but I was ok. I managed to keep my composure for this and spoke for mum. I hope she would have been proud. It was a lovely service and hundreds of people came. It was overwhelming really. Real genuine love for my mum.

I still can't believe that she is gone. I can't take it in. I've been at her lively home that she's lived in since dad died and being surrounded by all her things, it just feels surreal she won't walk back into the room, smiling with a big kiss for her beloved 5 month old grand daughter, by dd.

t875 Fri 26-Oct-12 09:11:21

Beachcombers girl - thinking of you, we feel your pain and your
Not on your own, I felt the same about my mums funeral although horrendous I still managed to read a poem well done to you for doing that I know how it is. And it was a celebration of my mums life and I'm
Sure my mum was looking down loving what we had done for her.

Take each day minute hr at a time. Talk about your feelings, cry when you need too. It's soo very hard at the beginning it's still hard now but not as bad as the beginning I didnt think I'd ever stop crying. But strength comes from somewhere.
Big virtual hug to you and my/ our thoughts are with you. Talk to us anytime xx

t875 Fri 26-Oct-12 09:13:46

I can't find the poem I said about.. Can't find it anywhere. But I found this one. Which had really good prominent words. If it upsets anyone or if I break rules please delete accordingly or I will x

I will be beside you
Every day and week and year,
And when you're sad I'm standing there
To wipe away that tear.

And when you lie in bed at night
The days chores put to flight,
 I am closest to you
In the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth
And all those loving years,
Because you're only human
They are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry
It does relieve the pain,
Remember there would be no flowers
Unless there was some rain.

But one thing is for certain
Though my life on earth is o'er,
I am closer to you now
Than I ever was before.

When your upset and not feeling your best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you
And many hills to climb,
But together we can do it
Taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy
And I'd like it for you too,
That as you give unto the world
So the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody
Who's in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say at night
My day was not in vain.

And now I am contented
That my life... it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody
Who is down and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up
As on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street
And you've got me on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps
Only half a step behind.

And when you feel that gentle breeze
Or the wind upon your face,
That's me giving you a great big hug
Or just a soft embrace.

And when it's time for you to go
From that body to be free,
Remember you're not going...
You are coming here to me!

And I will always love you
From that land way up above,
I'll be in touch again soon

BiscuitsandBaileys Fri 26-Oct-12 09:20:33

t875, maybeyoushoulddrive, ssd and badroly thank you for the birthday wishes. You were right badroly, about building it up in my head and thinking it was going to be awful. Dh and dd's made sure I had a lovely day and spoilt me. I had a little cry when I opened the card from my dad. It had lovely words and was just what my mum would have chosen. It breaks my heart to see cards signed just from my dad, for him more than anything. I can't imagine what he's going through.

beachcombergirl I'm sure your mum would have been very proud of you for reading a poem at her funeral. Hope you are okay today xx

t875 Fri 26-Oct-12 09:28:15

Maybeyoushoulddrive- sorry to hear what's happening with your dad I can imagine you are very worried. It's so hard isn't it, I have the same with my dad when he doesn't want to come found and I know he's struggling. All you can do is be on the end of the phone a lot. I would give him one more time asking then there is nothing more you can do. Is there relatives you could talk to on the q t about him, maybe they can call a bit more in between you guys x

ssd Fri 26-Oct-12 16:22:55

t875, thats a beautiful poem, thanks for posting it

I'll try to post the poem someone sent me when my mum died, its lovely too

hugs to us all, its an awful time

I paid my mums funeral today, thats the last thing I'll be able to do for her, a whole lifetime over, I cant believe it

mummylin Fri 26-Oct-12 22:51:43

What beautiful poems.I particularly like the lines where it says " your not going ,but coming here to me " how i wish that that was true. If i thought that one day i will be back with her i know i would feel differently now.I have thought about this many times in the last so many years since we lost our sister, and my mums dearest wish was to be with her youngest daughter once more.I hope she is.I dont know why i am so agitated about tuesday really as the worst possible thing has already happened.But i also read somewhere that the worst day in your life is only 24 hrs. Oh god so many of us in the same position,so much sadness,all of us trying to come to terms with our losses.I wish you all as good a weekend as possible.x

ssd Sat 27-Oct-12 09:15:09

hi everyone again

mummylin, we'll be thinking of you this Tuesday, we really will. You're right when you say we are all trying to come to terms with our losses. Thats one of the hardest bits isnt it, its so wearying. I'm desperately trying to fill my days so I don't have time to think of everything, because when I start thinking I really could crawl into a hole and not come out. I feel a bit manic these days. But I know I need empty days and being alone so I can grieve and not try to avoid it as I know if I avoid it it'll come back in the future to get me.

I did so much for my mum, the time I have spare now is stretching before me and feels very empty. I was like her carer emotionally as well as physically and now she's gone theres a massive hole I haven't a clue how to fill. I've been trying to keep in touch with friends more and thats helped me, I've realised there is no use looking for support from my siblings, at least I have learned that from what's happened. Although god knows why I ever expected support from them, they never at all supported me with mum when she was alive, so would they think of doing this now she's not here <sigh>

Cruse phoned me back, the lady who phoned was very nice, she asked all about me and who had passed away, and when...she also asked if I had any support from friends or family. I told her all my details and she's sending me out a pack that tells me all the info about them, then I think I fill it in and return it, then if someone is free I can get to speak to a counsellor. I'm going to follow this through, I've realised I'm a very "wordy" person (hence big long posts!!)and I need to talk this out, without alienating my friends/or dh. I met a friend yesterday and all I wanted was to talk about mum, but my friend hardly mentioned her, then when I did talk about her I choked up and couldnt speak. I know my friend doesnt know how I feel (her mum and dad are fit and healthy) and I know she not a mind reader, but not talking about my mum was killing me, its all I want to do just now...talking helps to process it in my mind.

Any way girls, I'm sorry this is all me me me.

I know so many of you are suffering just the same as me out there.

I'm so sorry for everyone of us here.


t875 Sun 28-Oct-12 00:53:54

Ssd - glad to hear cruse called you back, let us know how you get on. Im waiting on my apt to come through x

Thinking of you mummylin I hope you days are going as good as they can at the moment, it must be very hard. sending you hugs, x

hugs for us all.xx

Beachcombergirl Sun 28-Oct-12 08:41:50

I just feel so sad. It's not even been 3 weeks since mum died suddenly but it feels like an eternity. It still hasn't sunk in that she is gone though. Practically every other thought I have my natural response is to think 'I must tell mum that'. It just doesn't feel real. I mean the logical part of me knows she is gone but my inner core just won't believe it. Anyone feel like this?

ssd Sun 28-Oct-12 11:54:43

yes beachcombergirl, I do to, all my sympathies to you x

thought I'd post this poem, its beautiful

•*•.¸&#9829; As i sit here in Heaven and watch you everyday. &#9829;¸.•*•

I try and let you know with signs I never went away.
I hear you when you're laughing and i watch you as you sleep,
I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.
I see you wish the days away as you beg to have me home so i try to send you messages, so you know you're not alone.
Don't feel Guilty that you have a Life that was denied to me.
Oh, Heaven is truly Beautiful, just you wait and see.
Please live your Life and laugh again, Enjoy yourself, be free!
Then i'll know with every breath you take you're taking one for me.

I hope this poem helps you a bit


t875 Sun 28-Oct-12 12:20:55

oh wow ssd that poem was lovely!! What words..lifted me and really made me feel like shes around!

We have a tribute to her today at our local church, saying her name and lighting a candle, im sure shell be enjoying hearing her name called out..although its hard though as we got married there. sad

My thoughts are with you all, hug to mummylin, sending you all our support xx

ssd Sun 28-Oct-12 12:34:38

hi t875, did you get me pm?

glad you liked the poem, it makes me tingle x

ssd Sun 28-Oct-12 12:35:05

sorry my pm not me pm blush

t875 Sun 28-Oct-12 13:15:18

beachcomber - It is such early days for you, and i remember it well, tbh i still have them times now, but when people say it does get a little easier as time goes on it is true, but it still hits me hard at times. Do what you want to do, do what you have to do to keep your memories alive. I have a little shelf where i add special things too, i also hug her cardigan on these really tough days. I have also spoke to a psychic and they have told me a few things but thats each to their own beliefs which i respect.

Cry when you need to, have privacy when you want, look after YOU and talk about all you need too, it really helps to talk. And we are here. HUGS to you and thinking of you xx

mummylin Sun 28-Oct-12 14:59:31

What a beautiful poem that is ssd well the dreaded day is nearly here.I had another shock last night ,we had to go and pick my dd up from the airport and there was a driver there holding up a placard for someone with the same name as my mum.I tried not to look but my eyes kept going to it.
beachcomber yes i feel like that too.I am used to mum popping in most days for a cuppa ,i would see her arrive and a few minutes later would come the OOhOO anyone here ! My kitchen is in the front and so i still am looking out for her car,and i see many elderly ladies with white hair driving past and just for a second i think its her.I cannot think she isnt here.I cannot imagine never seeing her again.If your poem is right*ssd*then my mum should be around me somewhere and i know this is the house she would be in as this is where she was most often ,i also always had her here if like once before she broke an arm ,when she had her eyes done,when it was so icy the year before last and things like that.So i have no doubt this is where she will be if its possible.

ssd Sun 28-Oct-12 21:32:55

mummylin, I'm sure your mum will be with you, can you feel her around you sometimes?

I've felt this with my mum and it comforts me, I hope you do too

t875 Sun 28-Oct-12 23:44:36

Hi Mummylin, wow what a shock for you at the airport, maybe a sign that she is with you and supporting you? Strange how it was her name hun. Thinking of you. I know what you mean its so hard to not pick up the phone and see her, we spoke of so many different things, things ppl wouldn't be interested in, decluttering, organizing, nik naks, craft stuff, projects the kids, oh we spoke about a lot, i miss her so much.

The memorial to my mum was a lot sadder than i thought it would be, their were hymns and tbh i felt sick on and off, i don't know i think it kind of felt more real, and hit me today that she wasn't with us there but i got through and we lit a candle and her name was read out, the lovely lady she is/ was. Glad i went but it was a lot tougher than i thought it would be. sad xx

ssd Mon 29-Oct-12 07:57:20

thats hard t875, its horrible when the reality hits you hard, most of the time if we live in our own wee world we can feel our mums are with us there, but surrounded by others its hard to feel their presence.

hope you get through today mummylin, thoughts going your way too


Galaxymum Mon 29-Oct-12 10:26:04

Big hugs to everyone first of all. I do feel this is a thread I can come to when I need a bit of comfort to know there are other people going through the same feelings, and we're all at different stages, and can gain some comfort here.

Beachcomber - I so feel for you and also Mummylin. I have been without my mum for 2.5 months and I so miss her every day. That gap doesn't go because she is not there to fill it. I saw my mum every single day - we used to "do lunch" together, and I have not the heart to go out for lunch because it was our thing. And that companionship - just chatting. I have a lovely DH but he doesn't chat about nothing like me and my mum did. I can't watch Downton Abbey - so silly but we always spent Mondays going over the best quotes and fave scenes. You can replace friends - even a partner but you can't replace that relationship with your mum or dad.

For Beachcomber - three weeks is so soon. I felt completely drained from crying after the funeral. I have sat on my own and cried so much - but it does feel better to give yourself time to let it out. I said to the doctor it's hard being a mum to accept I have a right to just feel sorry for myself but I need time to be alone and just feel sorry for myself!

This week we had the horrible task of rehoming our dog who was my mum's companion. He was an older dog and couldn't cope with my DD as she is very lively and he needed a retirement home. We had to say goodbye on Saturday as he went off to Scotland (to frankly a LOVELY home!) but it was such a wrench and brought back all those awful feelings of letting go again. I feel now I MUST get on and clear stuff as I was using the dog as an excuse not to move anything at my mum's house.

The worst thing for me is totally dismantling her life. Just getting rid of pans and cutlery - stupid things. It's so draining. But as I was wrapping up ornaments and going through cupboards yesterday I found a treasure to kepp that made the job worthwhile. I found a picture my mum had drawn at school when she must have been my DD's age around 6. I was so thrilled to find it - and it reminded me my mum had had a full life and is such an influence....that she lives on in these treasures and many happy memories I am clinging on to.

mummylin Mon 29-Oct-12 12:06:31

Galaxymum you would be amazed at what i have "rescued" from my mums house.I could not bear to throw things out.hence why i have so much stuff of mums here.I need to get it sorted out but at the moment i am not throwing anything out !! i have it all stored in big containers.
Well the tears have already started in the lead up to tomorrow.I have phoned our local newspaper to put a tribute in for mum and reading it over the phone to one of my brothers i cracked.Tonight at 8.15pm i kissed my mum goodbye and said " see you tomorrow mum" I did not see her alive again.
Well my dh has now told me that they made a mistake about the footi game and its next week.But before he had told me that on sat im afraid i lost the plot and told him what i thought about him putting a footi game before me on this particular special and sad day.The fact that they made a mistake does not change things because if the game had of been tomorrow ,he would of gone.So i wont be alone tomorrow night now. For those of you who are newly bereaved,the days do get better gradually ,you will find you can have a few days between where you feel ok.Its when the awful grief comes back it hits you again.But then you have some more good days and so it goes on.
I have put memoriam to my sister in the same message as they are so close together.Its all so very sad. For all of us.

t875 Mon 29-Oct-12 13:06:54

I'm the same galaxy mum I have all the heart ache Some days but then I think of her wonderful 65 years or no horrible illness to contend with, just to breeze through life. She had such a wonderful personality and happy all the time. And through my dark days I take that with me.

I can't watch qvc shopping channel. I find it hard going in shops I see so much my mum would love and I want to tell her! Some days I still do. Swear people must think I'm nuts sometimes. But who cares.

Mummy Lin. All you are doing in memory to your mum sounds lovely. I can't imagine what you are going through. Take care of you. Go with how you are feeling. Hugs to you x

Thinking of you all today. Xx

t875 Mon 29-Oct-12 13:07:34

Hope your day is going ok ssd hugs to you xx

ssd Mon 29-Oct-12 16:45:07

thanks t875

xx for us all xx

mummylin Mon 29-Oct-12 22:26:56

This time last year i was happy.This time last year i had been to visit my mum.This time last year my biggest worry was getting our new outside loo ready in time for mum to use when she came out of hospital on thursday.This time last year i went to bed and slept as usual.This time last year my lovely mum was still here not knowing it was her last few hours.
I have been so unhappy today reliving everything all over again.I have loads of flowers in my kitchen ready to take to the cemetery tomorow.I cant do anything else but i can make her and my sisters graves look lovely.It was always me and mum who tended to my sisters and i had promised mum i would always see to it when the time came that she wasnt here.I will keep that promise.Roll on Wednesday.x

ssd Mon 29-Oct-12 22:31:19

me again

d'you know what's getting me down too, I haven't got the heart for halloween or xmas this year

I find going round the shops my heart is so heavy, even thinking of buying Xmas presents is too much for me just now

as long as my kids get something I don't care about anyone else, mind you there's hardly anyone else to buy for now

I always got my mum the same thing every year, but not now

and another thing, I know no one in rl knows how I feel, but why can they be so insensitive? I was telling a close relative on fb how upset I was and how hard I find it reading posts about how wonderful friends mothers are...then a few days later said relative posts a big gushing message to her mum, something obviously copied as it was picture and writing beside I being stupid to think she might have held that back just this time? I know people don't get it but really, are some folk just insensitive?

t875 Mon 29-Oct-12 23:33:31

mummylin - My heart just breaks for you this is so hard, i know i will be doing the same, as my dad will be killing inside on that night between 3 and 5 in the morning, i hope in a way he will be with us.

I do know how you feel mummylin, one minute our mums were there the next they were gone, such a huge shock. April is going to be extremely hard!!
Thinking of you and sending you loads of support, hugs, and strength. xx

hugs to us all xx

t875 Mon 29-Oct-12 23:48:24

mummylin, i want to say in some very dark times i have found CRUSE 24 hr help line to be helpful, so if you really need them, obviously you have us hun, but i have found them to be useful, i have even cried my eyes out talking to them.


t875 Tue 30-Oct-12 00:32:48

Ssd - I know what you mean about sensitivity with friends and my friend done exactly the same. Put up a like / share I love my mum.. Or I'm going to --- with my mum and it actually at the time I thought the same as you. I personally wouldn't do it and couldn't do it.

I know what you mean also about Halloween. I have no choice as my kids are well into it and my eldest has make decorations.
Christmas I am finding it somewhat hard, but I know my mum would lick my backside big time from up there if I don't at least get into some looking forward to it. She would hate us all to be sad but as u say it's do hard and easier said than done down here as this really wil be hard to not have her around :-(( hugs to you!! X

t875 Tue 30-Oct-12 00:35:09

God why can't I delete --- KICK my back side!!!!!!!!!!!

ssd Tue 30-Oct-12 07:47:29

grin t875!

mummylin, we are all here for you today, we know your heart is breaking and we're all holding your hand xx

mummylin Tue 30-Oct-12 10:18:59

sad sad sad

t875 Tue 30-Oct-12 14:44:14

Thinking of you mummy lin. Sending you hugs xx

Thinking of us all xx

ssd Tue 30-Oct-12 22:03:00

at least thats today nearly over for you mummylin x

t875 Tue 30-Oct-12 22:20:04

Mummylin - How are you doing? I can imagine its been very hard, but just wanted to let you know your in our thoughts!! Hope the day has gone the best it could do.

OOh so hard, miss my mum loads at the moment, i just want to talk her i want her to talk to me, just so hard! Feel she is missing out on so much with halloween, and christmas coming up. I read my prima magazine tonight, i would have passed it on to her after but i read bits out maybe she can hear who knows eh sad


TheFarSide Tue 30-Oct-12 22:32:34

Hey Mummylin.

Hi everyone! I've not had a working computer for a few days, but I've been wondering how you're all doing.

Big hugs mummylin today must have been such a hard day for you, I hope you have managed to get through it OK and maybe found some comfort in knowing you are keeping on doing what your Mum found important... All so hard.

I've been crying a lot recently too. Is it maybe all the talk of Christmas etc and the hole seems ever wider? I went to a concert on Sunday night and felt guilty because I had a good time. But of course I wanted to ring my Mum to tell her all about itsad

I'm on a collision course with my dh ATM about how often we go to see my Dad. We're going this weekend as it's half term, but then I'd also planned to go for the weekend of the 16th November as it's Mum's birthday and I don't want Dad to be alone. I hadn't really realised that they're only two weeks apart... He's miffed that we're not going to see his Mum as much but she hasn't been Widowed this year... I feel very unsupported although I can see that it's a lot of travelling. AAAAGH!

Don't even mention Christmas and where we'll spend it!

t875 and ssd I agree with you about tactlessness. People just don't think and have no idea of the shard of pain that has just cut through you... I'm not on FB now as I couldn't stand all the gossip about happy family weekends etc.

mummylin Wed 31-Oct-12 09:01:51

Thankyou so much everyone for your positive thoughts.They obviously worked because the day was far far easier than i had built myself up to expect.The worst day was monday when i relived my last times with her,but yesterday i went to cemetery with my dh and one of my brothers and we dug a little garden patch in front of the headstone to match up with my sisters.The edging stones are actually from mums own garden.We cleaned both the headstones and they both had such beautiful flowers too.They both looked lovely which pleased me immensly.believe it or not we even had a little chuckle because i was being like a film director ordering my dh and brother to move things [ bucket,spade watering can etc] as they were in the way of the photos i was taking ! I am feeling very relieved that the day has gone,although very sad that now i have to say i havent seen my mum for over a year, whereas up until now it was always the past few months,if that makes any sense to you all.I have found that the days you build yourself up to dread are not anywhere as bad as you think they will be and they are in fact bearable.Once again thankyou for thinking of me.
thefarside I know you are a couple of weeks in front of me and i hope that your day too was not as bad as you anticipated.I cant believe that all these months have now passed since we first spoke on the original thread.
For all the newly bereaved who are struggling ,the days will get better and you will all find the strength to cope.Its an awful time but you will get through it with support either from here or R/L
Oh and another nice thing that happened yesterday is that my two teenage gd's made an hour and a half bus trip to come over to be with me as they knew i would be sad.They are used to being ferried around by my dd and to get here on the bus involves long walks at both ends although by car it only takes 15 mins and no walking involved.So i was very touched by this. thanks to everyone

ssd Wed 31-Oct-12 09:41:51

aw mummylin, so glad for you the day passed as well as it could, digging a little patch to meet the headstones of your mum and sister sounds beautiful...and your gd's coming along was so thoughtful, am really pleased for you.

maybeyoushoulddrive, I think you need to remind your dh you are grieving just now and trying to look after your dad, maybe his mum wouldnt mind taking a back seat for once....

well girls, am not going to say to everyone hope today is a good day, I've had that said to me and I just want to scream, all I'm saying is that when we feel sad we can know we're not alone, theres others out there in the same boat, all paddling with a smile then collapsing in a heap when no one is looking

mummylin I'm so pleased that you got through yesterday relatively OK. It can't have been hard I know. I love the picture of you sorting out your dMum's and dSis's headstones and gardens, I'm sure they were looking at you having a laugh about your 'directing' smile

How lovely of your gd's to make such an effort - they sound greatsmile

Thanks ssd I think you're right, but it is hard. Sometimes it's easier to hide my grief and just try to get on with it...

Was thinking of you yesterday, mummylin, I'm glad it was easier than you expected.

My mum visited me in a dream and gave me a birthday hug.

Going to a general memorial service at the weekend, as it's the closest weekend to All Souls - anyone else going to one?

ssd Wed 31-Oct-12 17:12:34

bella, thats wonderful

I'd love to dream of my mum

maybe, I know, family situations are hard sad

TheFarSide Wed 31-Oct-12 20:08:53

Like you mummylin the actual day of the one year anniversary wasn't as bad as the anticipation. I started feeling edgy a few weeks before the anniversary. It was almost as if my mum's death hadn't happened yet and there was still time to save her, but the days were flying by and it was all out of my control. On the actual day, I felt like I was beginning to accept that she just wasn't there any more. I still have occasional terrible days when it feels like back to square one, but the times in between those days I am generally fine.

TheFarSide Wed 31-Oct-12 20:09:48

Like you mummylin the actual day of the one year anniversary wasn't as bad as the anticipation. I started feeling edgy a few weeks before the anniversary. It was almost as if my mum's death hadn't happened yet and there was still time to save her, but the days were flying by and it was all out of my control. On the actual day, I felt like I was beginning to accept that she just wasn't there any more. I still have occasional terrible days when it feels like back to square one, but the times in between those days I am generally fine.

ssd Wed 31-Oct-12 20:46:21

TheFarSide, can I ask when does the feeling of the universe turning upside down end? I just feel like I've had 2 lives, the one I had with my mum here and now this one with my mum gone, they feel like a million miles apart. I know things'll take a while to return to normal, but I really don't feel I'll ever feel normal anymore... I mean I go to work, see friends etc but inside I just don't feel the same person at all.

Any advice would be welcome x

TheFarSide Wed 31-Oct-12 21:35:29

ssd - for me, that upside down feeling lasted several weeks, although at the same time I could feel the raw grief dissipating very very gradually. In many ways the death of a parent is life changing and nothing is ever the same again. That doesn't mean you'll never be happy again, just that the world shifts on its axis and nothing feels quite as secure as it did before.

My mum died on 18 October 2011 and I spent three very weird weeks immersed in grief and sorting out her things at my dad's, then had to return to London to start a new job. Nobody in my new job knew about my mum - I was functioning but not able to talk about it to anyone outside my immediate family. In those early days I read a lot of books about life after death and near death experiences in a kind of desperate search to work out where she'd gone.

Christmas wasn't great, nor my mum's birthday in January. I have a box of her things, and it was a good few months before I could even take the lid off to look inside. I felt more optimistic and hopeful as spring approached but I remember sometimes feelings of happiness turning into a feeling that I could never really be fully happy ever again because my mum wasn't around.

Summer was mostly OK, as most of the major anniversaries were over by then. I still thought about my mum every day, but I wasn't completely floored by the memories. Having said that, there were (and still are) odd moments when I privately collapse and call out for her and sometimes the longing to see her again is truly unbearable. In between these moments, though, I'm pretty much OK.

As I said upthread, I found the approach to the anniversary of her death very difficult. It was as if she was dying all over again. But now the one year anniversary has passed, I can say life is pretty normal again and has been for some time really.

Everybody seems to experience these things slightly differently, but there also seems to be a lot of common ground ... and one thing's for sure, you will find a way through this smile

t875 Wed 31-Oct-12 22:40:21

Mimmylin - glad the day went better than you thought. Sounds very touching what u done for your mum. I'm sure she was looking down and smiling. How thoughtful what you did. When I do little things like that In her memory I feel im keeping her close to me. Xx 

Bella- how lovely you having a dream, I had a dream and it was clear as day! I remember all the conversation and I even asked her how my nan and grandad was 

Maybe -I would talk to your husband I'm in same boat well not now but me and my husband went through roughly same. And he just had to adjust that my dad was very top of my list, I try to work with him too. Grief though really can just turn all your feelings upside down. He def got a fair brunt of my anger and bitterness. 

Well had Halloween. Went ok, costumes, food, my dad here. I talk to my mum though on and off as in my eyes she's never gone away and is enjoying all we are doing. Just wish I could talk to her and her to me. Miss her so much. X

t875 Wed 31-Oct-12 22:51:14

Thefarside - i love your user name!
Glad the anniversary for your mum was ok too I can imagine hard too at times.

I know what you mean about upside down b
I really felt like at times I'm just floating around in space without my mother ship.
Ssd - We are all different. I talked a lot. The first 3 months were filled with tears, overwhelming grief, anger, bitterness, denial all they say. And it's so true. Guilt.. What I could have done. What I didn't do.
Then it's ought slightly easier where the crying isn't every day
And have some good days, maybe laugh, I've had to throw myself into other things as I seriously was starting to have the dark clouds coming in.
I hate it and miss her like mad. It's so hard. It's definately harder at m I think because of Christmas etc. that is going to be very hard.

Your still at the very early stage, and it all is upside down at that stage. As the time has gone on I'm 6 mths it's a little easier.
Here anytime x

mummylin Thu 01-Nov-12 12:42:22

Its interesting to see that for me and thefarside the anticipated day was worse leading up to it.Its the feelings of going back over things and saying "this time last year " etc.If we all think about it sensibly what is the worst that can happen ? The worst has already happened and nothing is going to be that bad again. There are only days between my mum and thefarsides mum so we are near enough the same stage wise.Yes our lives have to change because we are now missing the person who has been there all our lives and who has loved and nurtured us and still did even in aduthood.But while we are all still here the mums and dads have left a legacy and continue to live on in us.So really they are never gone ! I dont know how long it will take for me to accept that i cant see her again, along time i suspect and i know there are going to be lots of tears still in the coming months.But the awful gut wrenching feelings i hope will now start to fade a bit.As i said before to the newly bereaved,i promise things do improve albeit slowly.It has been so good to be able to talk to others going through the same so i hope that we can all help the others who join into our thread. Interesting also that some of us seem to have a dh who dosent get it ! Is it a man thing ? Just tomorrow to go now to think about my sister,but i have already done her grave.Something very nice happening tomorrow also.My niece ,who was two when her mum died, married last year and my mum left her my sisters share of her estate.It has enabled my niece to get their own first house and tomorrow on the anniversary of her mums death [ niece was two ] she is signing something to enable them to move into their very own house mid november.!! My mum and my sister would be thrilled for her.Something good has come out of something so bad. xx

ssd Thu 01-Nov-12 18:25:01

thanks for answering thefarside.....its almost like you're writing a diary of me just now, especially the books, before this I never looked at any spiritual books, or books on losing someone, even though my dad died 14 yrs ago and I was really heartbroken then. Now beside my bed its "how to deal with bereavement" , spiritual and mediums books and a great book about motherless daughters sent to me by a very kind you said , its all because I can't understand where mum is/went and I can't bear to think shes gone forever, I just can't accept that...I keep hoping these books give me a definite answer, but am still looking...

thanks for your post and t875's too


TheFarSide Thu 01-Nov-12 18:29:10

Yes, mummylin, you were my bereavement buddy and I will always remember you for that. smile I found it very helpful to have someone going through the same thing at the same time. Our situations weren't exactly the same but your pain seemed huge and overwhelming and reflected how I was feeling inside. I'm glad to see you sounding so much better now, if that's the right way to put it.

Thanks for keeping the thread going. I don't visit often these days, but I do drop by from time to time, and it has been helpful to read the words of those at different stages ahead.

TheFarSide Thu 01-Nov-12 18:37:43

smile @ ssd

I read half a dozen books on bereavement, life after death and so on. I was surprised at the huge shortage of books on death. The one that gave me a lot of comfort was The Art of Dying by Peter & Elizabeth Fenwick which describes deathbed experiences - I was with my mum when she died and was quite traumatised by the experience as it wasn't totally peaceful and she was hallucinating at times. For a while I became fascinated and obsessed with the mechanics of how people die and what happens to the body (and what might happen to the soul).

mummylin Thu 01-Nov-12 19:39:23

When my gran died many years ago now,i was sat in the hospital crying and an old lady came over and asked what was wrong .I told her and she said, what is left is just like an overcoat,her soul has gone but still lives.I have never forgotten that.I can picture my mum buried under the ground ,which really is ridiculous because she was cremated.I wish i had proof that there is another life after this.I am not exactly a sceptic but i need some tangible proof.If i thought that i would someday see my mum again ,i would be happy.I have also been told that in the spirit world 20 years can go by like 5 mins ,so although it seems years until we may get to see them for the people who have gone before its nothing .Oh i dont know,i get so confused by all this.My sister is a firm believer.What do the rest of you think ?
I have been back to the cemetery this afternoon because i wanted to get some more pictures of the other flowers that have been placed there since i took the first pictures.Its a good job i did because the pots had blown over and the water had come out ! Its a wonder the flowers hadnt been blown around all over the place because here the wind and rain last night was horrific.Just to say in advance that when this thread gets to about 600 posts my comp will not then open up the thread for some reason so if that happens i will Pm one of you and maybe someone could start a new thread !!!

t875 Thu 01-Nov-12 19:44:37

Yeah I threw myself Into looking up life after death and spiritualism. Signs messages, and strokes and lobe strokes. I even phoned a big hospital in London and spoke to someone more intently about your brain and how strokes affect it.

I found loads on the Internet about it all, blogs, web sites, forums. It was very helpful In a small way.

It's definately helped to talk to you guys on this thread since my mum passed.

TheFarSide Thu 01-Nov-12 19:51:07

Ha ha t875 - I spent hours googling medical info about what happens to the body when you die, and cornered a nurse friend of mine at my mum's funeral and interrogated her about all the drugs and tubes involved in my mum's death. I was on a quest for knowledge and nothing was going to stop me.

I don't know about life after death, but the Art of Dying book was a non-sensational, semi-scientific reassurance that death need not be a terrifying experience. I found it very comforting.

mummylin, re what the old lady said about the overcoat, I think our bodies are like houses for our souls. I remember a quote "we are not bodies with souls, we are souls with bodies" which I found liberating for a time.

TheFarSide, t875, ssd, I've been looking at books too, I will look up "the art of dying", there was a thread with a couple of very moving accounts of deathbed experiences, made me cry & feel hopeful. I believe we will see our loved ones again, but i have no proof, its something I want to believe. I notice white feathers & choose to see them as signs. I'm considering having a reading but part of me thinks it'll be tosh and making money out of misery.

Thinking of you all & sending virtual hugs. (found hugs helpful)

ssd Thu 01-Nov-12 20:24:01

hi, I believe the spirit does live on, somewhere

I didnt believe in anything of this sort, but I do now

its just a feeling and a few experiences I've had since mum died

(I bloody hope so anyway)

talking to you all helps so much, wish we were all together for a good natter and a cry!

ssd xx

t875 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:08:07

Yeah I'm going to have a reading. I'm going to go to a spiritualist church local to me. I really want too.

I'm a big believer of the other side and my mum is still around. I know when she is I can't explain it, I can just feel when she is and when she isn't. I gave also clearly heard my Name called.. The night she passed I heard it clearly. And also a few months after.
I had a weird thing of a random robin appearing specific days - before she passed, funeral , my daughter starting seniors, times when I've cried in the garden too. I've had random feathers and random songs. Hearts have appeared either come accross sweet heart shapes, beads, and I also feel a tiny breeze around my face. My dad has had stuff happen too.

My friend is a medium but she was very close to my mum do unfortunately she can't do much for me.

I can't even think of the alternative so to have that belief keeps her spirit alive.
Virtual hugs everyone.
Thinking of you all xx

t875 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:15:10

Far side - u wouldn't believe it. When this consultant said that she wasn't coming back I not only wanted to give him a bloody good shake but I said " well if you can't do anything for her get some one who can" a very high paid consultant no doubt!! I was googling.., saying fly her to America they must be able to something there!! Bet my mum was having a right laugh at me doing that!! Like we could afford to fly her to America! Would have done though! I think my family seriously thought I'd lost the plot!! Lol

Mummylin. Will be thinking of you tomorrow for your sister. X

Bella - let us know of you do go for a reading! I had a feather a shard of tiny feather fall from the ceiling at my old work. I kid you not!!
How r u doing hun? I can imagine not great we're here for you!

mummylin Fri 02-Nov-12 09:19:12

Good morning everyone.Today is not a difficult day anymore.Just wishful thinking that my sister would be here.But we have had 23 years of her not being here now.She was 26yrs old and expecting her second baby.She died of a massive asthma attack.Strangely enough when she was expecting my niece, her asthma kept away and she was in the best health she had been for months,so when she told us she was expecting again we had no worries that she would be ill.How wrong we were.But my niece has grown into a lovely adult and is the spitting image of her mum,sadly she has not a single memory of my sister.But i did find it eerily strange that today is the day she has to do the signing for their first house.Comforting in a way and i know my mum would be so thrilled that the money she left has gone to such a good thing.Mum was very close to my niece,as she was the closest person to my sister.Mum wanted to live to see her get married ,which she did because my niece got married last august,then it was to see her get a house.Which she now has been able to do , thanks to money from mum. So i hope that mum can see what good she has done somehow.All my niece and her dh have to do now is prepare to be paying for the next 25 yrs !!! I did go and see a medium when my sister died but left it until the feb which is when my sister and I shared a birthday.Apparently the spirits gave me a celebration cake,which of course left me in floods of tears.The rest of the stuff i was told didnt make any sense to me ,so i have never been again.Maybe i will consider going in the future.Im not sure yet.I just think that if my mum can communicate in anyway she will. I hope they are together after all this time. thinking of you all in your difficult times.These will pass for all of us.

BiscuitsandBaileys Fri 02-Nov-12 09:27:50

Hi all.
I haven't posted for a few days.
I'm really not good with words so always think I never have anything to say that will help, but as I have said before I think of you all often and I check this thread every day.
Last Sunday was my mum's birthday. It was another day that I had built up in my head that was going to be awful, but was fine. We took some roses to the crematorium for her, and later my dad came round for dinner.
Next week will be a year since mum had the stroke. It feels like it was last month, not a whole year. I will never forget that day. I was walking past the end of the road that my mum and dad lived on and I saw an ambulance in the middle of the road. Even though it was 7:30 in the morning I rang them because I knew it wasn't good. I ran down the road sad

I would be really interested to hear how your reading goes t875.

BiscuitsandBaileys Fri 02-Nov-12 09:30:11

Hope you're ok today mummlin. That must have been a huge shock to lose your sister like that, so young xx

Galaxymum Fri 02-Nov-12 10:06:52

Thinking of you all on this thread. I've been doing the horrible job of clearing mum's house this week. But I felt better donating to the local hospice charity to raise money for others. I donated to have a Christmas light in mum's name as well. The hospice is local so I will see the lights when I go out and you get a special card to keep. The light service is a few days after mum's inquest which I'm dreading.

Big hugs to everyone. My thoughts are with you.

mummylin Fri 02-Nov-12 12:44:44

hello again.thought i would just tell you what has happened this morning.On fridays my niece always comes over and we go and meet one of my brothers in a local cafe for breakfast and a catch up.My brother and i were discussing our sister and saying how next year she would of been 50.We ordered our food and were given our slip with our order number on .It was number 49 !!!! She has now gone home to pick up her dh from his workplace as they have to go to solicitor at 2.15pm to sign whatever it is. !
BiscuitsandBaileys it seems as though you also had the experience that afarside and i had in that we built up the day in our minds so much that we dreaded it ,when in fact it turned out not as bad as expected.
Galaxymum I dont envy you the job of having to clear out your mums stuff,its horrible isnt it.But some good will come out of it because of the worthy cause you have donated to.That will be lovely to have a christmas light in your mums memory.
t875 I think in times of stress we think of all these things without realising how impossible they actually are.Im sure your mum would of had a chuckle about you saying that.
Belladesconocida i too will be interested how you get on if you go to have a reading done.
TheFarSide I too will look up that book ,it sounds like it bought you comfort ,maybe it would be the same for me.
ssd I too have had a couple of dreams about mum,they seemed to be real whilst i was dreaming, but in the last one i had ,which was about 3 weeks ago,mum was there but gradually she faded away.You would think that i would deam about her every night ,but its ony been twice in all this time.Maybe the dead do come to visit.Who knows ?

mummylin Fri 02-Nov-12 12:55:24

BiscuitsandBaileys yes it was a huge shock,but she had been in and out of hospital with severe asthma for the last year,in fact in the july she had been in intensive care on a life support system for two weeks but they managed to get her out of that situation.They had warned us that in the next 5 or10 yrs the same thing was likely to happen ,but i in my wisdom disregarded that as it semed such a long time ahead and i thought by then they may have a cure for it.I was completely wrong about this but was so convinced i was right so when she did suddenly die it was a massive shock.The first couple of years were awful and my poor mum was devastated and she too longed for proof that there was life after death so that she could be back with her daughter again.Oh i do hope this is true.then i would know my mum is happy.
I know that next week you will be doing the same as i did and going through the events of last year and probably upsetting yourself.All i can say is that i found the events leading up to the anniversary worse than the actual anniversary day.I hope this will happen for you too.

Hello everyone! you've all written loads - I'll read it all again in a bit, it's hard to get all your stories straight in my mind!

I think we're all in a similar place, even though we lost family at different times. It gets easier to keep on going, the longer ago it was, but we all miss our lost ones equally IYKWIM?

We're off to visit Dad this weekend. As he's so far away we haven't had a chance to sort through Mum's stuff at all, so he's living in the house exactly as it's always been except there's now a thick layer of dust and a grubby washing up cloth! Mum would be crossgrin she kept a beautiful house all her married life inspite of my dad's hovel like tendencies!

You've got me thinking about messages from beyond. I wish I could believe, it would be such a comfort to 'feel' Mum around or have some sort of sign, but nothing, not even any dreamssad However, she did such a good job of brainwashing us in her opinions that I regularly stop and think 'Mum wouldn't approve' or 'Mum would enjoy this' so I guess that has to be enough.

We're in a funny limbo just now. Mum left long instructions about the scattering of her ashes and the logistics of organising it/time off work etc mean they're still at the funeral home. Dad is happy with them being there but my dSis is struggling and wants them collected. Any ideas how to keep the peace? Realistically we will have to scatter them February half term, which seems ages away....

ssd I agree a brew together would be fab!