My birth story! homebirth resulting in crash c-section. Please bear with me, it's the first time I'll recollected everything and put it all together x (warning: potentially distressing)

(96 Posts)
himynameisfred Fri 17-Aug-12 14:59:15

I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Angel, in June, and thought I would share my experience.
Perfectly healthy pregnancy.
At 37 weeks we discovered Angel was breech, and I was told I would need to decide between an ECV (the doctor turning the baby with his hands) or a C-section.
I had a homebirth planned and was told if an ECV was successful we could still go ahead with that.
ECV has a very very small chance of causing placental abruption (0000.0001% or something) but we were told should that happen they would know while monitoring me post procedure and then do a crash section if need be.
The ECV was successful and I was very happy, no complication apparent.

At 39+6 I went into labour at around 10pm, very mild pains.
Around 2am things were hotting up a bit so I called the hospital.
Two lovely midwives came and sat with me in my living room, I had scented candles, soft music.. and having had a homebirth before was very confident that I was going to get through it just fine smile
I seperated from my partner during pregnancy so it was just me and the midwives with my two boys upstairs in bed.

At about 5am they offered to examine me as things were going very slow and my labour didn't seem to be progressing much.
I was 3cms dilated, and Angel's head was completely engaged, ready to come out beautifully once things got going a bit more.
The midwives checked her heartbeat and told me 'we have a happy baby' 'that's perfectly fine'.

They advised me to go and take a warm bath to try and get thing going a bit more.

I had a lovely hot soothing bath and felt my contractions getting stronger. At about 5.15am one of the midwives came to listen to angel's heart and said that's fine carry on.
At about 5.45 she came again to check the heart beat.
And I lay there in the bath happily telling her I couldfeel the contractions getting stronger, still 4-5 minutes apart but very stong.
She told me to turn on my side as she couldn't get the heartbeat.
She then asked me to move again, saying there's interfearence and that her silly moniter wasn;t working very well.

She then asked me to get in a towel and come downstairs and lay on the sofa so they could check the heartbeat.
I was a bit concerned, but told myself everything was fine.

I lay down on the sofa telling the other midwive how the contractions were stronger and she'll be here soon.
The midwive monitering the heart beat kept glancing up at me and down again to keep listening. After a few minutes she found the heartbeat and I let out a sigh of releif, but she looked up at me and said 'okay what we're going to have to do is transfer you now, baby's heartbeat in dropping a little'.
I said okay whatever needs to be done, even though she was acting calm with me, I knew that she meant it, that I needed to get to hospital.

She left the room and called 999, I heard her saying 'we need to get this baby out now', I get chills writing this bit.

I had no pain, no blood, waters hadn't even gone, barable contractions still.
I called my mum to come and look after the boys as I had to go hospital.
In 5 minutes flat I heard a siren and saw blue lights outside, I didn't have time to get my shoes on.
The paramedic didn't even speak to me, they were told to just take us in straight away.
The midfive carried on monitering the heart beat. I knew that Angel's heartbeat usually sounded like galloping horses. But now all I could hear was 'thud ..thud ..thud' it was terrifying and I felt numb and scared.

We were speeding through down on blue light, sirens going, the midwive was falling all over the place as we swirved round corners, but still kept that monitor on my belly. All I could do was laying they hoping and praying 'please be okay', and I cried silently, untill we arrived.

The trip took 5 minutes, staff were waiting at the hospital entrance and then got my bed down, and raced through the corridoors with me laying on the bed, they bashed through several sets of double doors, the midwive was running, the paramedics, they were all running.
We sped the the antinatal clinic I remember sitting in waiting for hours only a few weeks earlier for my ECV.
We got to a room, and a doctor told me to strip, I was a bit embarassed but no one was very concerned about me, they were all fixated on the monitering machine they'd just attached to my belly.
The thuds sounded a bit faster, I sighed massive releif and told hem that she's getting better, 'that's much better than how she was earlier' and I was smiling that Angel was still with us and a bit happier', The doctor quickly told me that 'no this is not okay, her heartbeat is not okay' so my smile soon faded. She told me she was going to break my waters and had the stick in me before I could even respond. 'gush'
my waters had gone and there was blood everywhere.
I would later be told that this meant it was a hidden placental abruption.

I asked what was going on? What is going to happen?
'we're taking you through for a c-section, we need to get this baby out as soon as possible'
My midwife from the homebirth assured me that she would be with me, but she is just going to call baby's father.

We raced through corridoors again, again I felt numb, I just deeply hoped that all would be okay. I had about 6 differnt staff running with my bed, and I cried quickely, curled up, hoping my baby was okay. The midwife reappeared in theatre and heldmy hand.
I was weighed and put on the the operating table, the needles went in my arms, usually I freak out, but I didn't even feel them now, I was too numb with shock.
The general aneasthetic went up my arm and hit my throat with a cold feeling, or taste.. I said my last prayer 'please survive baby Angel'.

While I was sleeping my first daughter, Angel Elizabeth was born, weighing 8lb14, she had no signs of life. Doctors worked on her for 11 minutes, before being able to bring back her heart beat. They estimated that she was essentially dead for around 20 minutes all in all.

I woke up in recovery with Angel's father by my side, I head his voice but couldn't move, withina few minutes the pain hit me, I'd had major surgery with no pain releif, it took a few minutes of me wailing for the nurse to administer Morphine into my drip.
My (on/off) ex told me he'd seen Angel and that she's beautiful and she's alive.
I was so relieved, so happy, and couldn't wait to see her.

Around 4 hours after her birth I was finally able to see her for the first time, they wheeled my bed down to intensive care and she was SO BEAUTIFUL, with her daddy's nose, her cute chubby cheeks, but she was full of tubes which was to be expected.
The nurse caring for her had obviously been crying.
A doctor, along with a group of people allowed me to touch my daughter and say hello, she was sleeping, they then crowded in to tell me.
Angel has not attempted to breath herself yet. The machine was breathing for her.
He said if she doesn't attempt to breath within the next 6 hours we'll have to think about turning the machine off.
Don't be silly I thought, she will breath, I blocked out what they were saying, and took photos with me holding her hand.
I uploaded them to facebook for my friends and family to see and asked everyone to pray for.

She was transported to Addenbrookes for cooling treatment to prevent brain damage from the time she had no oxygen going to the brain.
We went and stayed there with her.

To cut a long story short, I could tell it in far more depth, but an MRI scan when she was a week old releaved extensive damage and not much ativity.

At 9 days old, we went to a hospice and took out the tubes and wires, she lay between me and her father, and did not try to breath.

I was hysterical, I picked her up for the first time, finally being able to hold her properly, being able to fully see her beautiful face for the first time. I'm crying as I write this.
We were left alone with her. I tried to resuscitate her, my partner softly told me to stop. I stripped off and laid her on my breast, I thought if she could feel and smell her mummy's milk she would do something to try and wake up.
She didn't respond.
I laid in bed with her on my chest, and spend some beautiful time with her, she did a gasping motion every so often and I told myself shewas going to come back.
After 20 minutes she had gone.

A nurse came back into the room and confirmed there was no signs of life.

booksandchoc Fri 17-Aug-12 15:04:22

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter himynameisfred. xxxx

3littlefrogs Fri 17-Aug-12 15:05:54

Oh I am so, so sorry to read this.

What a tragedy.

I hope you have people around you to help you through this.

So sorry for your sad loss.

DawnOfTheDee Fri 17-Aug-12 15:06:01

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story moved me to tears. Your little Angel was lucky to have you as her mummy, even though her time here was heartbreakingly to short. [flowers]

DawnOfTheDee Fri 17-Aug-12 15:06:58

thanks

If you need any support i hear there are some lovely ladies on the bereavement threads.

ohforfoxsake Fri 17-Aug-12 15:07:21

I'm so sorry. Heartbreaking. sad

himynameisfred Fri 17-Aug-12 15:10:11

Thank you, sorry if you found it shocking, I feel better having wrote it all down and wanted to share her birth x

MammyToMany Fri 17-Aug-12 15:11:08

I am so so sorry xx

Folicacid Fri 17-Aug-12 15:12:27

I hope writing this down has helped you - in even a tiny way. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter.

Thinking of you.

nilbyname Fri 17-Aug-12 15:14:50

himynameisfred

How desperately sad for you and your partner, the loss of Angel Elizabeth is a tragedy. My thoughts are with you all, xxx

coffeeandwine Fri 17-Aug-12 15:16:31

I'm so, so, sorry for you and beautiful Angel. I've got tears running down my face. sad
[flowers] for you.

JustFabulous Fri 17-Aug-12 15:21:07

I so thought and hoped this was going to have a happy ending.

I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful baby.

onedev Fri 17-Aug-12 15:24:15

So sorry to hear your heartbreaking news.

justabigdisco Fri 17-Aug-12 15:29:11

So sorry. Words aren't enough x

ZhenThereWereTwo Fri 17-Aug-12 15:29:33

Oh himynameisfred, so so sorry that you lost your beautiful Angel. sad

I hope you are getting lots of help and support from your family.

My thoughts and prayers are with you x

cakeismysaviour Fri 17-Aug-12 15:32:34

I am so, so sorry to hear your story. xx

BagofHolly Fri 17-Aug-12 15:48:09

Oh my God I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have no words, just tears.

So sorry! Big hugs for you x

nickelcognito Fri 17-Aug-12 15:52:37

i'm really sorry sad

BenedictsCumberbitch Fri 17-Aug-12 15:59:35

How very sad. X

Boggler Fri 17-Aug-12 16:06:21

I've got tears running down my face, I'm so very sorry for your loss, I hope youve got lots of support to help you through this. Xxx

PiggyMad Fri 17-Aug-12 16:35:54

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter x

whattodoo Fri 17-Aug-12 16:43:04

Oh, i'm so sorry.

Angel Elizabeth is a beautiful name which befits the little beauty you describe.

My heart goes out to you x

HelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 17-Aug-12 16:46:01

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Bereavement now.

We're so sorry to read this, OP.

BadDayAtTheOrifice Fri 17-Aug-12 16:50:35

I'm so sorry to hear of your devastating loss.

drummerswife Fri 17-Aug-12 16:54:13

so sorry for your loss x

bumbez Fri 17-Aug-12 16:54:16

I'm so sorry sad

HalleLouja Fri 17-Aug-12 16:55:02

Hugs. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Gorgeous name.

Iateallthejaffacakes Fri 17-Aug-12 17:08:19

So very sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter x

RobinSparkles Fri 17-Aug-12 17:12:42

I'm so very very sorry x

FannyFifer Fri 17-Aug-12 17:13:25

So so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I'm in tears reading your story.

AlistairSim Fri 17-Aug-12 17:16:49

I am so, so sorry, sweetheart.

xxx.

BellaOfTheBalls Fri 17-Aug-12 17:20:03

I am so so sorry for your loss. The ladies here are much better with these things than I am but my heart & prayers are with you and your beautiful daughter.

stressheaderic Fri 17-Aug-12 17:27:23

Vey strong and brave of you to put your story into words. I had tears reading it.

Very sorry for your loss.x

hazeldog Fri 17-Aug-12 17:27:51

My little girl also spent her short life in the nicu at addenbrookes after being terribly damaged by her birth. So very sorry to hear about Angel. Hope that writing it down helps you to heal. Two and a half years down the line it still hurts but it does get easier.
Sleep peacefully Angel x

3girlies Fri 17-Aug-12 17:28:04

So sorry for your loss. We lost our youngest daughter 6 wks ago, so painful to lose a child. X.

nancerama Fri 17-Aug-12 17:33:49

I hope that sharing your story has helped you at least a little. I am so sorry for your loss.

You will always be Angel's mummy. She must have felt so much love snuggled up with you in the hospice. Sending you prayers x

peanutMD Fri 17-Aug-12 17:35:44

Fred I have just commented on your other thread, I don't agree with the placement of this thread either!

Congratulations on the birth of your first DD, no matter how long she was by you're side she will always be part of you smile

himynameisfred Fri 17-Aug-12 17:41:13

thank you for comments,

thanks for sharing that with me hazeldog and 3girlies, have you described what happened on here?

x

ArthurandGeorge Fri 17-Aug-12 17:41:54

So sorry that your beautiful girl had such a short life.

expatinscotland Fri 17-Aug-12 17:43:19

I'm sorry for your loss. I've been where you are, hoping against hope your child would just breathe on her own. When she doesn't, it's the worst thing in the world.

This section is a club no one wants to join, but we're here for each other.

(((())))

5madthings Fri 17-Aug-12 17:47:02

so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl.

much love to you and your family xxxx

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Sitting here with tears in my eyes x

expatinscotland Fri 17-Aug-12 17:51:42

Please don't EVER be afraid to write it out!

My 9-year-old daughter, Aillidh, died on 7 July 2012 in PICU at Yorkhill Hospital in Glasgow of respiratory failure. She contracted two lung infections following treatment for acute myeloid leukaemia, her lungs had been weakened from all the chemo and was gone within seconds of the ventillator's being removed.

onemoreforgoodmeasure Fri 17-Aug-12 18:03:00

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry that your darling Angel Elizabeth never got to breathe on her own. Regardless of her brain activity, she would have felt your love, and that is the best gift you could ever give her. Praying for strength to get you through the hellish times ahead x

cjbk1 Fri 17-Aug-12 18:10:14

himynameisfred I absolutely cannot read and run I am so sorry to you and Angel Elizabeth's dad for your loss and I agree that your thread shouldn't have been moved.sleep tight little Angel x

himynameisfred Fri 17-Aug-12 18:12:10

I'm so sorry expat,
It's a bit bewildering when people say 'i'm so sorry' over and over again, but it's just a natural thing to say :/
your loss is more recent than mine. Angel left us 15.6.12

It's good to talk about what happened sometimes.

I don't remember exactly how it goes but there's a quote like this;

'If you are my friend and you're worried about mentioning my child, for fear of reminding me that they died, don't worry I remember every single day. To mention them is to remind me that they lived, and that's a wonderful thing'.

I'm happy to talk about events we went through with Angel, because her birth deserves to be recognised, she was born, and she is my daughter x

expatinscotland Fri 17-Aug-12 18:15:51

Excellent post, himynameisfred! I agree 100%. I don't mind talking about Aillidh. Her illness and death were as much a part of her life as the 8 years we had her healthy.

MrsKwazii Fri 17-Aug-12 18:18:02

So, so sorry that your beautiful girl is gone OP. You are incredibly brave to be able to write down and share what happened to you and her. I hope that you and your other children are being well looked-after and surrounded with love.

If you want to talk to other people who will understand what you are going through, there is a gentle support thread for bereaved parents here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1495278-Love-like-starlight-never-dies-In-loving-memory-of-all-our-darling-children-gone-too-soon

MrsKwazii Fri 17-Aug-12 18:21:18

I lost my eldest daughter earlier this year and find this verse very comforting, it's very much like what you've already written HiMNIF

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, Let me hear the beautiful music of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

Oh myname, thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us - it is an honour. I am so sorry. I am hurting inside, a big lump of sadness, for you. I too had a very scary birth with Mia, yet she was ok... but 13 happy, amazing months later, I watched in disbelief as she stopped breathing and the hospital couldn't resuscitate her. This is the worst nightmare of all. Of course you want Angel's life acknowledged, so please keep sharing your thoughts if it helps.

BeaWheesht Fri 17-Aug-12 18:29:19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure Angel will be looking down on her brothers and you all but I'm sorry she isn't here beside you now. You did your best for her, you are a loving and caring mummy and she will know that.

5madthings Fri 17-Aug-12 18:32:30

thankyou for sharing Angel with us and telling us of her birth and life, it was far to short, but she is and always will be your precious baby girl.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aleene Fri 17-Aug-12 18:38:17

I'm so sorry. I hope you are having help to recover from the trauma. Sorry you lost your beautiful Angel.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Fri 17-Aug-12 18:50:55

I am just so terribly sorry Fred, my heart aches for you

Thank you for sharing Angels birth story with us xxx

HairyPotter Fri 17-Aug-12 19:10:51

I am so very sorry sad Angel sounds absolutely gorgeous.

mumofjust1 Fri 17-Aug-12 19:14:49

I'm so sorry Fred

Sleep tight Angel Elizabeth x

You will always be her Mummy, she will always be your Daughter, and she will always know the strength of your love for her x

winterland Fri 17-Aug-12 19:28:43

Am so so sorry for your loss. Very brave to write it all down. You've moved me to tears x

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 17-Aug-12 20:03:11

I am so sorry. Really crying reading this, what a terrible tragedy. Thank you for posting here and in the pregnancy topic.

Babylon1 Fri 17-Aug-12 20:10:02

Thoughts are with you, so so sad sad

ThisOnce Fri 17-Aug-12 20:15:39

I am so so sorry xxxx

Suckeddry Fri 17-Aug-12 20:22:44

Im in tears reading you're story.

Congratulation on your daughter & so sorry she didn't get to breath on her own. How very traumatic for you both. Well done for sharing, I hope it has helped

It sounds as though Angel has the nicest possible end from this world. It must have been unbelievably hard but so nice for her to be close to you.

My thoughts are with you.

I don't have any words, but I am so sorry. You sound an amazing Mum, and she sounds like an amazing baby girl. xx

calamityalice Fri 17-Aug-12 20:27:30

so sorry to hear this xxx

cogitosum Fri 17-Aug-12 20:27:51

I'm genuinely so sorry. I hope your memories of Angel stay with you and somehow help to comfort you

Northernexile Fri 17-Aug-12 20:43:23

So sorry for your loss x

BeatriceBean Fri 17-Aug-12 20:48:09

So so sorry to hear this.

cate16 Fri 17-Aug-12 21:12:27

Thinking of you and Angel's father.

xxx

Consort Fri 17-Aug-12 21:19:56

I'm in tears reading this. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Angel's story. I hope you will always tell people of her. I'm desperately sorry her time here was so brief.

BlackSwan Fri 17-Aug-12 21:51:18

A devastating tragedy. My heart goes out to you.

TheLaineyWayIsEssex Fri 17-Aug-12 21:56:06

himyname I am so sorry that your darling Angel died. I have no words, but your story has touched me, and I am crying for you.
Wishing you love and strength. X

RIP Angel. X

My heart goes out to you and all the others here that have been through such tragedies.

sad

chipmonkey Fri 17-Aug-12 22:31:30

Himynameisfred, I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful Angel.
I lost my little girl too.
My Sylvie-Rose was born by crash section at 28 weeks, but did breathe on her own. She thrived and was sent home at 35 weeks, having met all her targets, only to die of SIDS four days later. I have four boys who were delighted with their beautiful sister only to be devastated that we couldn't keep her.

Angel is such a perfect name for your little angel.

Please do join us on our thread. xx

Firsttobed Fri 17-Aug-12 22:35:28

I'm so very sorry, you write extremely movingly about Angel's birth and her too short life. Wishing you peace. As some have written above, do join the child bereavement thread if you feel able. X

expatinscotland Fri 17-Aug-12 23:09:32

You have amazing courage to share your story, Fred.

The way you described her in hospice was like a knife in my heart! So many of us here have been in so similar positions.

Just hoping, wishing, that your daughter would wake up.

RIP, Angel.

biglips Sat 18-Aug-12 13:46:25

so sorry to hear your loss...RIP Angel x

shufflebum Sat 18-Aug-12 13:56:56

Another in tears here, so, so sorry Fred for your loss. X

Trazzletoes Sat 18-Aug-12 13:58:00

So sorry to hear about your loss. My heart is breaking for you. thanks

maristella Sat 18-Aug-12 14:16:09

Thank you so much for sharing yours and Angel's story, which I read through so many tears.

RIP sweet Angel xxx

dysfunctionalme Mon 20-Aug-12 02:13:57

Oh no, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful little baby girl.

Thank you for sharing your story, it was not shocking but very tragic and, I think, so very very courageous of you to share.

Your story has really touched me and you and your lovely daughter are in my thoughts.

Please keep posting if you feel up to it, and don't be worried about altering content to suit others, just say it as it is.
XX

Glitter1974 Sat 08-Sep-12 23:38:32

You are incredibly brave writing this so soon after your loss but I am sure it will help many others in our position.... I lost my second son (a twin) over 8 years ago.

Stay strong x

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sun 09-Sep-12 18:17:31

Another one reading through the tears.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

Sending much love and strength x

QOD Mon 10-Sep-12 22:43:35

I'm so terribly sorry.

FarrowAndBollock Tue 11-Sep-12 13:29:11

I'm so sorry sad. She sounds beautiful - RIP little Angel.

Mintyy Tue 11-Sep-12 13:35:42

I am very very sorry for the loss of your daughter. All life is fragile but a baby in the birthing process is so vulnerable and I am sorry Angel did not make it. I am sure no one could have done more for her than you did. I send much love.

ilovesprouts Wed 12-Sep-12 19:38:01

so very sorry xsad

lunchbox Wed 12-Sep-12 20:11:28

I'm so sorry. X

UglyBettyIsMyHotterSister Wed 12-Sep-12 20:32:46

So so sorry OP.

So sorry, you sound so strong.

I hope writing this has helped you in some small way.

You and Angel Elizabeth will be in my prayers

hefner Mon 17-Sep-12 12:41:20

I'm so sorry to hear about Angel's death. Thank you for sharing the story of her short and precious life. I hope that sharing your memories of Angel will help you find the strength to get though the heartbreak.

ExpatAl Fri 05-Apr-13 10:23:39

I'm so sorry for the loss of Angel myname. I have a huge lump in my throat after reading your story.
I lost my son too and although the story is different the shock and grief is the same. Best wishes. x

TumbleweedAndSandDunes Fri 24-May-13 23:45:36

I'm in tears, so so sorry to hear of your loss, stay strong for yourself and your boys. She will be looking down on you wanting you to be happy. xxx

adagio Fri 24-May-13 23:58:34

so, so sorry
crying now for you. How utterly, indescribably sad sad
flowers

scrumpkin Sat 25-May-13 00:10:05

Beautiful soul.

I will say a prayer for little Angel xx

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