MY son died

(779 Posts)

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Oh my goodness I am so so dreadfully sorry. Words are not enough at a time like this. Prayers and thoughts are with you. What is your sons name?

Thumbwitch Wed 04-Jul-12 04:18:13

Oh my God, you poor love. sad sad What a horrible thing to happen (((hugs))).

If you want to talk about it, go ahead - you will still be in shock just now, I'm sure so your feelings will be all over the place, mostly disbelief.

SittingBull Wed 04-Jul-12 04:20:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Wed 04-Jul-12 04:22:34

Mumto - have just noticed your last post about his illness - is that a factor in what's happened, do you know?

Sorry if it sounds intrusive but if it is, it may help to put it down as well because people who have had similar experiences will be able to help more specifically. Still so so sad

AmethystMoon Wed 04-Jul-12 04:23:23

I am so sorry. I cannot begin to understand how you feel and I am sure you might feel numb and in shock for a while yet. My thoughts are with you, big hugs. Hopefully someone with experience will be along shortly to help you .

CheerfulYank Wed 04-Jul-12 04:29:31

Oh, I am so so sorry. I don't know what to say, but please feel free to talk as much as you want, about your boy or what you're feeling.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry - the loss you feel must be terrible. sad I'm sending cyber hugs to you.

Do you have someone to talk to in RL?

Outnumbered4to1 Wed 04-Jul-12 04:34:51

I have no words - just so sorry sad is there someone there with you? Sending you my love and virtual hugs.

Thumbwitch Wed 04-Jul-12 04:35:47

Mumto - is your other DS with you? How is he as well? Hope you're with each other and holding on tight. xx

Flimflammery Wed 04-Jul-12 04:55:22

Oh that is so unspeakably sad, I'm sorry. Sending you love. I hope you can allow others to look after you and your family.

EMS23 Wed 04-Jul-12 05:10:54

I'm so sorry, I hope you have someone with you and your family.

Bertrude Wed 04-Jul-12 05:13:03

Oh gosh, I'm so very sorry sad Hope there's someone with you for support

robino Wed 04-Jul-12 05:16:08

I am so sorry. X

CurrySpice Wed 04-Jul-12 05:17:53

Oh goodness me I am so sorry to hear that sad

Oh goodness, how terribly awful. What an unbearable situation.

I hope you've got people around you for comfort.

I'm so sorry for you.

futureunknown Wed 04-Jul-12 06:02:02

I am so sorry, I hope you have company with you. Thinking of you sad.

lilbreeze Wed 04-Jul-12 06:02:08

sad so sorry

HesterBurnitall Wed 04-Jul-12 06:07:51

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Love doesn't diminish with every year our children live, no matter what their age the pain must be extraordinary. I hope you're not alone.

I am so so sorry. This is awful

nightswimmer Wed 04-Jul-12 06:14:50

Sending you lovexx Hope you're with someone.xxx

BellaVita Wed 04-Jul-12 06:25:42

I am so sorry sad.

Wishing you much love and strength xx

herecomesthsun Wed 04-Jul-12 06:31:55

I am so sorry.

Firebird20 Wed 04-Jul-12 06:41:11

So so sorry to hear this. x x x

Mum2 - I have not experienced this myself, but a very good friend has. Her answer to how do I begin to process this is "One day at a time" but right now, everyone else is right - don't be alone, accept all the help that is being offered and just survive.

I am dreadfully sorry for your loss.

GRW Wed 04-Jul-12 07:12:15

I am so sorry. You must be in shock just now. I hope you have good support from those around you, to help you through the next few hours and days.

GrapesAnatomy Wed 04-Jul-12 07:16:03

Tell us about him mumto.
I am so very sorry for your loss and yes one day at a time is the only way forward. Take care of yourself.

FarelyKnuts Wed 04-Jul-12 07:18:10

Mum2- I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your boy. What a horrible shock for you. x

happystory Wed 04-Jul-12 07:18:20

Oh love how tragic. Of course he is still your baby. Sincere sympathies.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Wed 04-Jul-12 07:18:32

I'm am sorry Mum2 for the loss of your son, life can be so cruelsad

Saritabean Wed 04-Jul-12 07:19:44

You are in my thoughts mum2
X

SoupDragon Wed 04-Jul-12 07:20:29

Oh I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

So sorry for your loss. Hope like others say that you have someone with you.

LST Wed 04-Jul-12 07:22:31

I'm so terribly sorry mumof. Your in my thoughts and prayers xxx

RobinSparkles Wed 04-Jul-12 07:22:50

I'm so sorry. I don't know how you begin to process something like this - as others have said, just take one day at a time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say, it's beyond awful. Lots of love to you and your family.

Halfling Wed 04-Jul-12 07:23:21

I am so sorry for your loss mum2.

CoffeeGoneColdAgain Wed 04-Jul-12 07:24:44

So so sorry Mumof, how very sad. sad

I'm so sorry to read this.
I've no idea how to deal with it, but am here to hold your MN hand & listen if you need to talk. xx

marriedinwhite Wed 04-Jul-12 07:27:58

So sorry. Hope you aren't alone.

Cassettetapeandpencil Wed 04-Jul-12 07:28:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers x

Jinsei Wed 04-Jul-12 07:29:42

I am so very sorry. I hope you have lots of RL support around you.

OddBoots Wed 04-Jul-12 07:29:50

I'm so sorry. I have no idea how you process something like that but I hope you are able to do it with support. xx

bbface Wed 04-Jul-12 07:29:57

My darling, I am so sorry. I have prayed for you x

Oh mumto I am so very sorry. There really are no longer words to help in this situation, but please know, there's always someone around on here to listen. Xx

mumof, my deepest sympathies for your appalling loss sad.
It always seems to unfair when the young die.

Much love and strength sent your and your families way.
Be kind to yourself, keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

ilovesprouts Wed 04-Jul-12 07:34:27

so very sorry i have a son he same age i can imagine how you are feeling

SerialKipper Wed 04-Jul-12 07:37:33

Oh mumto. So very sorry.

I'm so very sorry. The shock must be overwhelming. While you process this trauma, you must take care of your physical body - eat, sleep, cry when you need to. Nothing you feel right now is wrong. Whatever gets you through the day.

Take comfort in your family and friends who've lost a loved one too.

Be kind to yourself. X

mancbird Wed 04-Jul-12 07:40:13

So very sorry to read this sad sending much love and strength to you and your family xxx

SecretNutellaFix Wed 04-Jul-12 07:41:54

I'm so sorry.x

Kaloobear Wed 04-Jul-12 07:44:06

I'm so sorry sad you and your family are in my prayers.

Losingitall Wed 04-Jul-12 07:44:50

So sorry for your loss. I can only but imagine how you must feel sad in my thoughts xxxx

knittedslippersx3 Wed 04-Jul-12 07:45:39

Sorry for your loss, thinking of you xx

uselesslife Wed 04-Jul-12 07:47:12

so, so sorry
that's just heartbreaking

Hebiegebies Wed 04-Jul-12 07:47:47

Prayers for you and your family, that you will be supported and loved in RL too

therugratref Wed 04-Jul-12 07:49:39

Such sad news, my thoughts are with you.x

feelingdizzy Wed 04-Jul-12 07:52:35

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers xx

IslaMann Wed 04-Jul-12 07:54:49

So so terribly sorry for your loss. I don't know what else to say other than please take care of yourself. You will find the strength to get through this terrible time. Hugs.

CelticRepublican Wed 04-Jul-12 07:56:02

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

22 or 52 he is still your baby & always will be.

Biggest of hugs & thinking of you. Have a rant here if it helps. x

berryfreeze Wed 04-Jul-12 07:58:47

I am so sorry, for your loss , my thoughts are with you x

scottishmummy Wed 04-Jul-12 08:01:55

how dreadful and sad
who is supporting you?
take any help going,and day by day,minute by minute

So, so sorry for you.
Take things minute by minute.

My thoughts are with you and your family xx

bitbewildered Wed 04-Jul-12 08:06:33

So, so sorry. I think that you just have to get through the next hour, and then the next, for now. Don't worry about processing it. Heartbroken for you.

Mmmmmmmmmm Wed 04-Jul-12 08:10:27

I'm so so so so very sorry - I am sure he is a beautiful boy.

Empusa Wed 04-Jul-12 08:12:23

So sorry for your loss x

mumofjust1 Wed 04-Jul-12 08:20:58

I'm genuinely so sorry to hear this has happened.

I have no words, but suspect they wouldn't help much anyway.

You, your son and your family are in my prayers xxx

TheWombat Wed 04-Jul-12 08:28:54

Mumof2teenboys I'm so very sorry. What an awful, awful thing to happen. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Like others have said, I think taking one day, even one hour, at a time is the only way. However on a practical note, trying to get some sleep and eating regularly are important - your body has had an awful shock and will need nourishment. I would get in touch with your GP - they will be able to prescribe temporarily sleeping tablets if you feel you need them. Of course I'm not advocating drugs as a sticking plaster, but your sleep is vital in these early days. Keeping your GP informed that your family has experienced this trauma would be a good move in any case, I think.

Cruse bereavement care can offer support and bereavement counselling if / when you feel up to it. As I said before though, it's very early days. Please lean on any friends and family as much as you can.

<<<<hugs>>>>

MABS Wed 04-Jul-12 08:42:39

I am so very sorry

I'm so sorry, I wish I could say something useful but I honestly sorry is all I can think of & it just seems so inadequate. X

BoiledEggandToastSoldiers Wed 04-Jul-12 08:50:53

So sorry.

MavisG Wed 04-Jul-12 08:51:12

I'm so sorry to hear this, how unspeakably awful for you.

mamalovebird Wed 04-Jul-12 08:51:47

I'm so sorry, I don't have any experience but couldn't leave the thread without sending you love and strength. I hope you have RL support. I'm so sorry sad

Hullygully Wed 04-Jul-12 08:53:36

So so sorry xxxxxx

BIWItheBold Wed 04-Jul-12 08:55:09

Doesn't matter how old they are, they are always our babies.

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

Please look after yourself and your family.
xx

So sorry - {{{{hugs}}}

ajandjjmum Wed 04-Jul-12 09:03:29

Cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. Just wanted to add my love and sympathy to that of everyone else.

I have a 20 year old son - they are absolutely still our babies.

IMeMine Wed 04-Jul-12 09:10:52

I am so sorry xxx

MittzbethSalanderLovesBouncing Wed 04-Jul-12 09:13:14

I am so deeply sorry to hear this.
sad
Thinking of you xx

GrahamTribe Wed 04-Jul-12 09:15:45

I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Be kind to yourself. xxx

usualsuspect Wed 04-Jul-12 09:18:49

So sorry <hugs>

I hope you have lots of RL support x

Dropdeadfred Wed 04-Jul-12 09:19:59

I'm do sorry that you have this terrible tragedy. I don't know what else to say. My thoughts are with you

southlundon Wed 04-Jul-12 09:26:21

Oh gosh I am so sorry for your loss. I know that words on a screen are nowehere near enough what you need right now so I pray that you and your family are getting all the support you need in RL right now. thanks

theresafire Wed 04-Jul-12 09:30:08

So sorry for you and your son. I think with each passing year we love them more. x

Maryz Wed 04-Jul-12 09:30:09

I am so very sorry - this was my greatest fear for ds1, that he would just be found somewhere.

I am sending you love and ((hugs)).

I hope you have someone with you.

So very sorry to hear about your son. I can imagine how you are feeling right now because of personal experience. It is a physical and emotional pain that is unlike any other. A dear friend once wrote to me. I told her I had no idea how to carry on. Her words were very wise and she ended the letter with 'you have to carry on, you have other children, you have to 'put one foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe.' Wish I could find the right words that would help but I sadly know those words dont exist. xxx

I'm so sorry. You will be in my prayers and thoughts today x

I am so sorry, there are no words that will make things clearer at the moment but please know you are supported....

efffy Wed 04-Jul-12 09:36:51

I am so so sorry sad

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Wed 04-Jul-12 09:37:12

I'm so sorry sad

Popoozle Wed 04-Jul-12 09:42:13

I'm so so sorry sad.

As a fellow mum I can only imagine the pain you must be going through today.

I hope it helps you to talk on here when you feel able. For now I send love & hugs.

Vicky2011 Wed 04-Jul-12 09:42:27

So very, very sorry

duckdodgers Wed 04-Jul-12 09:42:44

So sorry for your loss, of course hes still your baby, and always will be.

bunjies Wed 04-Jul-12 09:42:46

I have no words. This is truly the most awful thing to happen to a parent and I am so very sorry for what you must be going through.

I can't begin to imagine your pain and despair at such a tragic loss. Praying for you and your family and your ds. Xxx

Decameron Wed 04-Jul-12 09:46:30

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

Madondogs Wed 04-Jul-12 09:46:54

So very sorry for your terrible loss xxx

overtherooftops Wed 04-Jul-12 09:51:28

God I am so sorry sad thinking of you xxx

OpenMindedSceptic Wed 04-Jul-12 09:51:32

I am so sorry sad

belwiz Wed 04-Jul-12 10:07:52

So very sorry you have lost your son xx

belwiz Wed 04-Jul-12 10:08:02

So very sorry you have lost your son xx

timetoask Wed 04-Jul-12 10:18:44

I hope you find the support you need to help you get through this pain.
I cannot begin to understand what you must be feeling. Please reach out for people that can help you.
xx

JustFabulous Wed 04-Jul-12 10:22:53

I am so so sorry sad.

What a terrible shock it must have been. Of course he is still you baby. He always will be.

Pickles77 Wed 04-Jul-12 10:24:30

I'm so sorry, thinking of you and your family at this time xxx

tara0202 Wed 04-Jul-12 10:24:36

So sorry your son has passed away. X x

i am so sorry,
may he rest in peace. sad

Sending our greatest sympathies to you and your family, I can't imagine what you are going through and take the help offered.

I am so dreadfully sorry x

Heavensmells Wed 04-Jul-12 10:38:55

I'm so sorry xx sad

5madthings Wed 04-Jul-12 10:42:44

so sorry sad

I am so sorry sad I can't imagine the pain and loss. Thinking of you x

mamasmissionimpossible Wed 04-Jul-12 10:50:43

I'm sorry sad

My brother died at the age of 23 from epilepsy suddenly one night, so I understand some of what you are going through. Absolutely devastating for the family. My thoughts are with you.

PosieParker Wed 04-Jul-12 10:51:25

Oh God, I'm so sorry for your loss. xxx

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 04-Jul-12 10:54:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamasin Wed 04-Jul-12 10:57:17

Can't begin to understand what you are going through at the moment. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son

50ShadesOfShit Wed 04-Jul-12 11:14:05

My words seem so inadequate. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Yellowtip Wed 04-Jul-12 11:51:15

I'm so very sorry too. And so sorry your son had struggles at such a young age. No adequate words, just sorry sad

Nonio Wed 04-Jul-12 12:07:08

I can not begin to imagine what you are feeling at the loss of your baby boy (age has no barring to us Mums). Be with the people who love you. What to begin with... Start with breathing in and out, and dealing with life a minute at a time. I send you blessings xxx

HairyPotter Wed 04-Jul-12 12:12:38

I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be in. Thinking of you xx

Sariska Wed 04-Jul-12 12:19:36

I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss.

noddyholder Wed 04-Jul-12 12:21:22

I am so so sorry for your loss x

JuliaScurr Wed 04-Jul-12 12:23:01

brew

we are here with you

so sorry for your loss

ciderpenguin Wed 04-Jul-12 12:31:00

So sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but hope you and your family are getting the love and support you need.

ilovesprouts Wed 04-Jul-12 12:32:19

thinking of you today x

goygoy Wed 04-Jul-12 12:33:37

I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you x

ineedamiracle Wed 04-Jul-12 12:37:44

So sorry for you loss xxx

hellymelly Wed 04-Jul-12 12:41:41

I am so very sorry to read your post. I can't begin to imagine how to must be feeling, I hope you and all your family have love and support around you now.

lastnerve Wed 04-Jul-12 12:41:41

God, I am so sorry Condolences.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 04-Jul-12 12:46:30

Thinking of you...

So so sorry for your loss.

Xxx

Sparklingbrook Wed 04-Jul-12 12:46:36

I am so sorry.

sad I'm so sorry for your loss - thinking of you today x

Tangfasticlady Wed 04-Jul-12 13:05:56

So sorry for the loss of your son x

Mollydoggerson Wed 04-Jul-12 13:11:08

I am so sorry, I don't know what to say other than I am so very sorry for your loss.

mumof I am so, so sorry. You are very brave even writing those words. This is a nightmare. Your world has been turned upside-down and inside out, and you are in a place you have never imagined. I would take away your pain if I could - I know how awful it is. Please know that this is a safe and gentle place to talk about your beautiful son, and we will be here whenever you need us. xx

Sleepydog Wed 04-Jul-12 13:41:30

Sorry for your loss.

x

So sorry for your loss.
x

PutThatDownNow Wed 04-Jul-12 13:44:35

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I am so so sorry.

Words seem useless.

sad

Listmaker Wed 04-Jul-12 13:47:20

So sorry for your loss x

ReportMeNow Wed 04-Jul-12 13:47:45

Am so sorry Mumof2teenboys for the loss of your son, of course he is your baby. If you want to write anything we will listen.

octopuscakes Wed 04-Jul-12 13:52:25

I am so sorry. Unimaginable XX

ScrambledSmegs Wed 04-Jul-12 13:56:02

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son. x

bushymcbush Wed 04-Jul-12 13:59:47

What terrible news sad. You must be going through a living hell. So so so sad for you. If you want to and when you feel you can, come and tell us about him. We're all here to listen.

futuredream Wed 04-Jul-12 14:00:56

So , so sorry for this hateful news .

chipmonkey Wed 04-Jul-12 15:02:38

Oh you poor love! Please do join us on the thread shabs linked to. We have all lost our babies and of course he is still your baby, always was, always will be. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but trust me, time will slowly make it easier though you don't "get over" the death of your child.

GooseyLoosey Wed 04-Jul-12 15:04:20

My God - no words to offer, only my thoughts.

ErikNorseman Wed 04-Jul-12 15:16:02

So so so so sorry xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Incaminka Wed 04-Jul-12 15:16:55

Prayers and thoughts to you and your family. That's just so hard.

NorbertDentressangle Wed 04-Jul-12 15:18:23

So sorry to hear this. Thinking of you x

mummylin Wed 04-Jul-12 15:26:27

I am very sorry to see your terribly sad post You are right in that age makes no difference .Both my children now have children of their own BUT they are still my babies.Do let others share your terrible burden and let others around you help you through this awful time.Wishing you strength to get through the dark days ahead x

Tambasher Wed 04-Jul-12 16:25:06

So very sorry to read this, thinking of you xx

So very sorry for you. I have ^no experience of this and cannot imagine what you feel.

Showmethemhappyfeet Wed 04-Jul-12 16:52:22

I am so so sorry. Can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x

Yani Wed 04-Jul-12 17:10:21

So sorry to hear this, I saw your thread regarding your DS diagnosis.
You are obviously a loving Mum, and care deeply for your boy.
He would have known that.
x

Yellowtip Wed 04-Jul-12 22:33:15

Yes maybe when you're able you could tell us about him. We'd like to hear.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 04-Jul-12 22:36:22

I am so very sorry.

So very sorry Mumof sad xxx (((hugs)))

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 04-Jul-12 22:38:30

x
mumof so very sorry. thinking of you.

lisad123 Wed 04-Jul-12 22:38:44

So sorry to hear sad
Have no advice but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you x

Pluto Wed 04-Jul-12 22:43:42

Take care of yourself Mumof. We are all thinking of you and your precious son. X

SaliFourth Wed 04-Jul-12 22:47:23

So very sorry for your loss.

Be very kind to yourself; give yourself time and the freedom to do what you need to do to come through this.

I hope you have some good rl support. Let people take care of you if that's possible.

Come back and talk here if it might help. xx

FayKnights Wed 04-Jul-12 22:49:29

So, so sorry for your loss. X

MorrisZapp Wed 04-Jul-12 22:51:04

Oh no. That's so desperately sad.

So sorry for your loss of your beloved son xx.

dearprudence Wed 04-Jul-12 22:55:02

How dreadfully sad. I'm so sorry x

ToryLovell Wed 04-Jul-12 22:58:39

So sad to hear of your loss.

Take it one day at a time.

Tortington Wed 04-Jul-12 22:59:31

so sorry for your loss, i can't even comprehend it xxx

QOD Wed 04-Jul-12 23:01:20

Oh no, I am so sorry

bumpybecky Wed 04-Jul-12 23:02:57

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

kat1885 Wed 04-Jul-12 23:05:10

No words will make the pain go away but hopefully the knowledge that we are all thinking of you and will support you in any way you need will be of some comfort. May he rest in peace xx

aleene Wed 04-Jul-12 23:09:02

I'm so very sorry. Wishing you lots of support and love.

geniuswater Wed 04-Jul-12 23:16:50

I'm so sorry, have no words but sending thoughts and prayers xx

KnottyLocks Thu 05-Jul-12 07:00:13

I am so very sorry to hear about your beautiful boy.

You and your family are in my thoughts. xx

chimchar Thu 05-Jul-12 07:05:18

I am so sorry to read about your boy...he will always be your baby.

Sending you strength and a hug too. What you are going through is just too awful.

x

goodgrace Thu 05-Jul-12 07:16:41

So so sorry for your loss. Heartfelt sympathy.

stookiesackhouse Thu 05-Jul-12 07:28:26

Sending love and prayers your way x

TheFallenMadonna Thu 05-Jul-12 07:31:38

So sorry to read about your son.

Badvoc Thu 05-Jul-12 07:35:12

Very sorry.
You are in my thoughts and prayers x

Oblomov Thu 05-Jul-12 07:46:31

Am so very sorry.
Friends of us lost their son, he was driving back from his first year at Uni.
Can't imagine the pain. So very sorry for you.

Dolallytats Thu 05-Jul-12 07:53:10

I'm so sorry xx

heronsfly Thu 05-Jul-12 07:57:48

I am so sorry,my prayers are for you.

WyrdMother Thu 05-Jul-12 07:58:25

So sorry.

You'll "process" it in stages, as and when you become ready.

I hope that you, your family and friends have the kindness and support that you need.

Thank you for all your messages, I couldn't come back until now.

His name is James, he is my oldest son, his younger brother found him dead in his flat, he had hung himself. He has bi-polar disorder and has been unwell for a while. He is funny, clever, articulate, a know-it-all and so beautiful. We are devastated, my younger son found him, how do we help him come to terms with that?

We had so many of his friends here yesterday, I never want to see grief of this nature etched onto the faces of young people, they are hurting so very badly and cannot make sense of the situation.

We will never know if James knew how much we love him and how much we need him to be here. his friends love him and admire him, he is the go-to person for advice and words of wisdom, one of his friends said yesterday that the only person who knows the words to describe how he is feeling is gone.

We have to plan his funeral, how do we do that? How do we say goodbye when we aren't ready to? How do we let him go on this journey?

I want him back, I need him back, I always thought that 'heartbroken' was just a word, it isn't, my heart is shattered and I don't know what to do.

His stepdad can't stop crying, he is my rock and my strength, I don't know how to help him, I can't take his and my other sons pain away. I just want to wake up and it all be a huge, horrible mistake.

Sorry for rambling, this is the first time that I have been on my own since we found James. I needed to be alone to gather my thoughts, but it isn't helping.

James, I love you, you are my beautiful boy. I wish that I had told you more often, I wish that I could have made it better. I'm so so sorry.

crazynanna Thu 05-Jul-12 13:04:32

I am so,so very sorry mumof. I truly am sad

This is devastating. I am so sorry mumof2 for the loss of your beautiful James.

Youremindmeofthebabe Thu 05-Jul-12 13:12:08

I'm so so sorry. There are no words.

Your words are so moving and scream your love for James. Sending you lots of love and prayers x

Mumof, I'm so truly sorry. Thinking of you and both your precious boys x

Maryz Thu 05-Jul-12 13:14:01

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, or ever accept this. ds1's best friend committed suicide when they were 15 and the grief felt by his family, his friends and everyone who knew him was more than should ever have to be borne by anyone.

But for his mum, mostly, it was so hard, as like your son they had a troubled relationship and he was a troubled child sad. But you know, your son was ill, that is no-ones fault, it is something that happens and that you could not have prevented. You did your best, you love him and he will have known that you loved him.

Don't be hard on yourself, don't feel you have to be strong or make decisions. Let other people help you - other people also loved him and will help with practical decisions about things like the funeral.

Wishing you strength to be able to cope with this.

Do come back if you want to talk. Sometimes it might be easier to talk with a keyboard than in real life.

But don't waste energy trying to make sense of it or find answers. Sometimes life is just shit, there are no answers, there is no reason.

(((((((((((((((((((love and hugs))))))))))))))))))

kasbah72 Thu 05-Jul-12 13:14:15

I can't even begin to fathom the pain you are all in. I am so so sorry at the heartbreaking loss of your lovely son James.

BiscuitNibbler Thu 05-Jul-12 13:15:46

I'm so dreadfully sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

FriskyMare Thu 05-Jul-12 13:17:22

My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your family and all of James' friends.
He sounds like he was a wonderful person.
So sorry.

viagrafalls Thu 05-Jul-12 13:18:15

Your words moved me to tears - am so sorry for your beautiful boy…

AngelWreakinHavoc Thu 05-Jul-12 13:19:52

I can not possibly imagine what you are going through right now, Thinking of You all at this very sad time x x x

perfumedlife Thu 05-Jul-12 13:20:10

mumof I am so dreadfully sorry.

A friend's son hanged himself last year at 36, also bi-polar. The year prior to diagnosis he was a happily married dad of two and then the help he needed just didn't come. The mental health care is so patchy for this illess, it needs addressing urgently.

I bet James knows just exactly how much he is loved x

Inertia Thu 05-Jul-12 13:23:36

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ThreadWatcher Thu 05-Jul-12 13:25:40

Crying here too sad
Mumof - I think that is the most heartfelt bereavement (sp?) post I have ever read on MN
So sorry for your loss
thanks

I am so sorry for your loss.

James knew how much you loved him.

May he RIP xx

hellymelly Thu 05-Jul-12 13:29:04

I have just read your second post. All deaths of children are tragic but suicide is I think the hardest to deal with. My brother had a close friend all through school and he killed himself a few years ago. I think the shock was even greater than an accident, because we all felt that if we had only done this, or that, he might not have done it. My mother felt terribly guilty as she was very fond of him, having seen him grow up, and even though I saw him rarely, i still felt worried that I hadn't done enough. So your other son,your son's friends, even you, might have a lot of (unfounded) guilt along with the grief, and I think getting some help from cruse would be a good idea, for you ,his stepdad, and his brother. Bipolar is a very difficult illness and people do do things that in a different state of mind they would never normally consider. I really hope you all get enough help and support now, I have lost three friends to suicide, one your son's age, it is the most terrible waste and makes no sense at all. I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful amazing boy.

Monty27 Thu 05-Jul-12 13:29:24

I am so sorry. I hope you and your family and James' loved ones find strength.

FoofyShmooffer Thu 05-Jul-12 13:31:54

So so sorry sad

Lizzylou Thu 05-Jul-12 13:32:01

Oh goodness, I am so so sorry.
Wishing you and your family strength and love.

Tambasher Thu 05-Jul-12 13:32:28

I am so so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Rest In Peace James x sad

sherbetpips Thu 05-Jul-12 13:36:46

so sorry for you and your family and for james.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Thu 05-Jul-12 13:38:32

I am so sorry mumof2.

Mental illness can be so destructive. Your love for James is so clear from your words, I'm sure he knew what he meant to you. The burden of mental illness can be so painful to bearsad

Your post is so moving, you sound such a loving family. My heart goes out to you all x

kat1885 Thu 05-Jul-12 13:39:47

Again I am truly sorry for your loss. My dh cousin found her dad after he hung himself. She was never given the counseling she needed and is still very affected by it.

Your son may not have the strength or inclination to talk about it right now but it is important he adresses this when he is ready. You are an amazing mum who clearly loves her children more than anything and your son who sadly couldn't see any other way to cope with his illness would have known this. I also know your poor boy who found his brother has an amazing woman to help him through this.

Oh so very sorry. If it helps to know a stranger is crying for you, please beleive I am. Love and strength to you all x

I'm so sorry sad

I am truly sorry.

Thinking of you all and your beautiful son, James.

Xxx

He knew you loved him.

Conflugenglugen Thu 05-Jul-12 13:45:09

mumof2teenboys - A big hug to you all.

I'm not sure that you can do much right now apart from just focussing on getting through in whatever way is possible.

I would then consider getting some bereavement counselling - especially your son - and his counselling may well need to start sooner than yours given the circumstances.

I am a training psychotherapist and have been a bereavement counsellor in a volunteer-based organisation. If you want to PM me for anything, I am here.

seaofyou Thu 05-Jul-12 13:47:13

Oh mumof2 I am too am devestated for you no pain a parent should have to go through to outlive their dc and espically so young! My mum has gone through loss her boy too nine years ago.

Your beautiful James was taken by his illness. You could have not done anymore for him and he was a brilliant boy who had a brilliant mum, brother and stepfather.

Be together, grieve together and take help where you can. James will be in your thoughts and heart every minute of every day for the rest of your life.

Firsttobed Thu 05-Jul-12 13:47:19

I'm so very sorry mumof2 for you, James and your family.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Thu 05-Jul-12 13:49:12

He knew you loved him, and that his brother and stepdad and all his friends loved him too. It's an illness that killed him, an illness that made the world look all askew and made him believe that this would help him.

I'm so sorry.

LittlePebble Thu 05-Jul-12 13:50:59

mumof2 I'm so so sorry for your loss. Will be thinking of your James, your youngest son and the rest of your family xxx

CaroleService Thu 05-Jul-12 13:51:47

Love and strength to you.

Whitamakafullo Thu 05-Jul-12 13:55:52

I am so so sorry sad

He would know he was loved, your post was so heartbreaking. Xx

jen127 Thu 05-Jul-12 14:04:51

I am so sorry. We have experience of this and it hurts, it hurts like hell.
My thoughts are with you and your family and James xx

VenetiaLanyon Thu 05-Jul-12 14:07:25

So very, very sorry to hear this; can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. Take care of yourself
x

QuickLookBusy Thu 05-Jul-12 14:08:40

Mumof2, I'm so so sorry about your darling James. I'm sure he knew he was very much loved. Please don't feel guilty, he was ill.

You asked about the funeral, can I tell you what my friend did when her teenage dd died?
She asked all her dd's friends to come to the house with ideas for songs, music and poems which were special to her DD and her friends. She had several lovely books which anyone could writer their ideas in. Then later the family could look through and decide what to use for the funeral. I think that was such a generous thing for her to do and it took some of the burden off her shoulders.xx

schilke Thu 05-Jul-12 14:09:46

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all.

Pinner35 Thu 05-Jul-12 14:11:35

I am truly sorry for the loss of James. Wishing love and strength to you all x

RatherBeOnThePiste Thu 05-Jul-12 14:12:40

So, so sorry sad
Thinking of James X

fhdl34 Thu 05-Jul-12 14:12:40

There are no words, I'm so so sorry. My brother suffers with bipolar as well, it's a horrible disorder. My thoughts are with you and your family xxx

piprabbit Thu 05-Jul-12 14:14:34

I've just realised that I've been talking to one of James' friends on another forum. They said how what a wonderful friend and support he had been to them. I think he must have been very widely loved, he sounds lovely.
I'm so sorry that you have lost him so suddenly. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

twofingerstoGideon Thu 05-Jul-12 14:15:34

I am so sorry that you have lost your wonderful son. Words seem inadequate. x

sb6699 Thu 05-Jul-12 14:15:46

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know it.might be too soon to think of this, but could I gently suggest counselling when you are all ready.

When my husband was 16 he lost his father in EXACTLY the same circumstances and its such a difficult thing to deal with.

Please remember his actions were borne through his illness, behind his illness he WILL have known how much you loved him.

Much love and strength to you all xx

Thumbwitch Thu 05-Jul-12 14:17:56

So very sorry to hear the way you all found out about James, especially hard for your other son.
I'm sure he did know that you all loved him but perhaps the pain he was in from his illness was too much for him to bear.

I have a friend whose brother had paranoid schizophrenia - he also took his own life, in a different way - but he had been in much pain for many years and she knew that at least now he would be at peace.

It's too early for you to think that way, I expect - but at some point in time it may help you to think that he is at least out of his pain and free from his illness.

It sounds as though he brought a lot of joy to many people in his life - I am so so sad for you that he has felt the need to go. xx

pleasestoparguing Thu 05-Jul-12 14:23:03

No words - just so sorry , can't begin to imagine your grief- I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

rockinhippy Thu 05-Jul-12 14:27:51

I can't think of anything to say to help sad just to wish you & your family peace of mind & all the strength in the world

How truly dreadful for you all.

One step at a time.

Love and strength.

Moomoomie Thu 05-Jul-12 14:52:42

I am so very sorry.
James will have known how much you all love him.
Keep posting, if it helps.
I just wish we could help to take your pain away. X x

octopuscakes Thu 05-Jul-12 16:51:38

He loved you. Your other son loves you. Take care of yourself. Nothing can be worse than losing a child, and in such horrible circumstances. So very very sorry. X

ilovesprouts Thu 05-Jul-12 18:20:21

sending my sympathyx

TimeForMeAndDD Thu 05-Jul-12 18:49:05

I am so very sorry sad

Lots of love and strength to you and your family X

landofsoapandglory Thu 05-Jul-12 18:53:03

I am so very, very sorryxxxxx sad

madhairday Thu 05-Jul-12 18:58:11

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son James.

thunksheadontable Thu 05-Jul-12 20:23:42

I am so sorry for your loss mumof. My cousin, who grew up in the same house as me, has schizoaffective disorder which is similar to bipolar. I have seen him struggle so, so much. Your James' illness killed him, it got too big. I am so, so sorry that this has happened to James, to you, to your family. I wish there was a way it could be undone. There's nothing to be said other than I am thinking of you.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Thu 05-Jul-12 20:49:28

Oh my love - I am so very sorry to hear this sad In my experience the only way to cope with shock & bereavement is one minute at a time, don't think too far ahead.

You will cope because you are a Mum and both of your sons need you. You will cope because you have to sad

It would be incredibly generous of you to allow James' friends to make a contribution to his funeral - allow them to suggest songs/readings/things he might like (as QuickLookBusy suggested, a book to write them in might be the best way) and if you can bear to, open your home to them - you and they will get a lot out of that.

If anyone offers practical help, ask them to make small things that you can nibble on, bite size sandwiches are perfect. You probably wont want to eat, but you need to - tiny bits you can just eat without thinking will help. Also, keep drinking water/tea/juice. You need to keep your strength up, your body is already with a massive shock & will cope a little better with food/liquid.

I am sure James knew how much you loved him, it is clear to see. Please, please remember it was the illness that killed James, in the same way that cancer, heart attacks & other illnesses kill people. Hold onto that.

I will be thinking of you and sending you love & strength x

I saw your first post yesterday, then came back and saw your update this afternoon, it moved me to tears, I am so very sorry this has happened to you and your family. I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

hermioneweasley Thu 05-Jul-12 20:58:58

Reaching out with love. Xx

doggiemumma Thu 05-Jul-12 21:02:55

Wishing you and your family strength at this terrible time sad Your boy was ill, he knows you love him. He is at peace now xxxx

Badvoc Thu 05-Jul-12 21:04:53

Mumof2
I can only add to what others have been saying...
You loved James. He knew that.
I hope that others around you can give you the support you need at this awful time.
I will hold James and you in my prayers x

BellaOfTheBalls Thu 05-Jul-12 21:08:14

I have no words, but my heart is breaking for you. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Mumof - If you need to talk I would be more than glad to listen. Either by email or private message - whatever you want. I wouldn't go back to the early days of bereavement, not even for a million pounds. It is like swimming through treacle. Its the worst emotional and physical pain in the world. I wish I could sit with you and talk about James xxxx

OlympicFlame Thu 05-Jul-12 21:24:04

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry x

MakeHayAndSneeze Thu 05-Jul-12 21:30:49

I am so sorry - I can't comprehend how heartbreaking that must be.

culturemulcher Thu 05-Jul-12 21:30:52

I'm so very sorry. xxx

DharmaLovesDraco Thu 05-Jul-12 21:34:08

I am so, so sorry for your tragic loss, I wish I had the words to help.

You are all in my thoughts

How truly dreadful. I'm very sorry for your loss of James.

ISpyPlumPie Thu 05-Jul-12 21:42:54

So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

May James rest in peace x

myheadsamarley Thu 05-Jul-12 21:45:43

Sincere condolences to you and your family.. Rest in Peace James x

Jellykat Thu 05-Jul-12 21:59:03

There are no words that are enough, all i can say is i am so very very sorry mumof x x

piratecat Thu 05-Jul-12 22:01:18

i am so sorry, James would have know how loved he was. He sounds as though he was loved so x

BettySuarez Thu 05-Jul-12 22:11:13

I am so very very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x

Thank you all once again, the word of strangers on a screen are so very comforting to me right now.

James friends and Sam (his brother) went to his favourite park on wednesday evening, had a drink, played football and lit chinese lanterns for him.

They are so brave and strong and are being such a support to us all, it is helpful to have them here and it is humbling that they choose to be here with us.

We have been given so many cards and flowers and love. People are wonderful, two of mine and his stepdad's friends were here last night and gave us a large amount of money to help with James' funeral because they love him too and wanted to help in a practical way. Moon (James' stepdad) cried and got the most upset I have seen so far. People are stunning me with their kindness and love.

Our boy was special, the coroner was here yestrday and she said that reading his journal had been an honour and had moved her deeply, she gave us the last entry from it. She thought it might give us some comfort, it led to so many tears. The pain everyone is in is almost beyond words.

We will start planning the next stage of James' journey today, we will honour him and celebrate him, he wasn't just a suicide, he is our special boy and we are lucky to have him.

Apparently he told a friend once that if he died first, no-one was to wear black at his funeral and that no-one was to cry, his friends said yesterday that the first was easy but the second wasn't going to happen. They are all helping with this planning, they know him in ways we don't so will be able to give so much.

James, we love you xxx

I'm glad you are getting so much support in real life, it is clear he was very much loved by very many people and will continue to be.

Oblomov Fri 06-Jul-12 08:09:11

Went to a lovely funeral 2 weeks ago OP, of one of my dh's closest freinds, who died of cancer, too young.
Slide show of all his photos, as a baby, at school, at his recent wedding. We all stood there are everyone was very very touched. Silent. It was beautiful. Then everyone started talking about how happy he had looked in some of the recent photos. Then people started talking about the time he ..... for example, aged 18, all the boys, led by my dh, went camping, and was burping and farting so much, they all woke up in the morning, and found that all the tents around them had moved , in the middle of the night!
The atmosphere was a celebration of him.
I have no idea if that is what you would like, but I hope that whatever you choose, the day turns aout, as you would like.

Baffledandbewildered Fri 06-Jul-12 08:13:03

I am so sorry all my thoughts are with you and your family.

QuickLookBusy Fri 06-Jul-12 08:21:07

Mumof2, it sounds like James was an amazing boy and is loved by so many.

I am so glad you are surrounded by people who love James and hope they will carry you through this awfully difficult time. Much love to you and all your family.xx

bleedingheart Fri 06-Jul-12 08:52:14

I'm so sorry for the loss of James. I hope his family and friends draw strength from one another. You are in my thoughts mum of.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Fri 06-Jul-12 08:58:48

Morning. I'm glad talking on here is helping a little. It's good to have a space that's yours where you can say what you want, without having to filter it.

Sam and the boys' friends sound so lovely - I'm pleased you have their support/imput/company.

It's lovely that reading the last entry of James journal gave you some comfort, I hope it has reassured you that James knew he was so loved by you all.

One foot in front of the other, one minute at a time xxx

Mumof - your last message made me smile and cry at the same time. People are wonderful in times like this - aren't they? Remember that you can have any music you want at a funeral and you can have the service exactly as you want....there aren't the restrictions like there used to be. My DS3's funeral was a wonderful day - that will sound very odd to most who read it. His primary school closed for the day and the vast majority of the 200 pupils came to his funeral. We sang 'Lord of the Dance' and 'If I was a butterfly.' None of us wore dark clothes. The Dad of a friend of DS3's said he didn't have a suit. He is Jamaican and I said 'wear what you would wear if you were at home.' As the cars drew up outside the church I saw him (was hard to miss him!!!) He had white jeans and a multi coloured shirt on (with palm trees and coconuts on). My DS3 Matt would have loved that. Sorry to write an essay. I am passionate about a funeral being a thanksgiving for the person who has died. Dont forget I will help in any way I can, if you need to talk just let me know xxxx

BettySuarez Fri 06-Jul-12 10:24:46

mumof2 James sounded like a wonderful amazing son and your last post has had me in tears. I wish you all the love and strength possible and will be thinking of you x

You are doing so well Mumof - keep talking to us, because all of these strangers really do care, and if you have found an outlet that helps you heal, keep using it. We are all here for you, and I can only speak for myself, but I keep checking back to see if you have posted again and how you are doing.

I think a colourful celebration of his life sounds like a wonderful idea. My good friend I mentioned right at the beginning of the post has unfortunately had to bury two of her children. Her DD died as a small child and they had a very standard memorial service, and it was a very sterile and unpleasant day. She does not look back on it with anything but sadness. When her DS3 died (also a suicide due to mental illness) she refused to have another memorial service. Instead they had a magnificent celebration of his life. She made a power point display of pictures of his all throughout his life. His friends read poems and song lyrics he liked, or wrote him letters and read them out. There was a lot of black clothing, but only because he was a goth. But the young people all came in their full goth regalia: corsets, dresses, leather trousers, make up, boots with 27 buckles and band t-shirts. It was a day Bas would have been proud of.

The other thing my friend has done is keep Bas' facebook page active. She, and many other people, still write on his wall whenever they think of him or want to tell him something. We share links and pictures to his page we know he'd have found funny and songs we know he would have liked. It helps keep him alive for all of us.

Lots of positive thoughts for you - and a large virtual hug XXXXXXXXX

Yellowtip Fri 06-Jul-12 10:32:58

James sounds immensely special mumof2, he really does. As Maryz says, some things just don't make sense. I'll be here to read and listen for as long as you want. I'm so sorry for you all; his poor, poor little brother.

Thumbwitch Fri 06-Jul-12 10:45:09

So glad you have so much RL support. It sounds like James was a wonderful and well-loved boy, by lots of people.

My parents' nextdoor neighbours lost their eldest son to cancer when he was in his 20s - they had a "Celebration of Life" for him, where no one was to wear black. It was so colourful and joyful but people didn't manage the "no tears" because in the end, you cry for yourself, and for your loss and pain, not for the person who has gone.

My grandad said he didn't want anyone to cry for him (he was 90 when he died) but of course we did because we were sad for us, not for him any more.

One tiny word of caution re FB - if he has a page, and you decide to leave it open, change the security settings to Friends Only (if they're not all already there).

PrincessFiorimonde Fri 06-Jul-12 11:10:23

I am so sorry to hear about James.

Thinking of you all. xx

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 06-Jul-12 11:30:58

I think a celebration of his life could be very healing for everyone, including for all his friends. I always think a funeral should have lots of pictures shown from throughout their life, their favourite music, and some of their special things.
I hope people can come together to support you in putting together some of these things for your dear boy.

I think it's always good to focus on the whole of their life too - there is always so much to remember with fondness and thankfulness, even joy amongst the sadness. Thinking of you - I'm so sorry for your loss sadx

mumof Go with your instincts. We deliberately chose to do many of the things for my beautiful Mia that you are thinking of for James - a celebration, colourful clothing, special songs (although ours was Wheels on the Bus!). Making the ceremony personal and special helped us immensely, and we were able to feel that we had honoured our daughter the very best way we could, and we did feel a level of peace as we left.

usualsuspect Fri 06-Jul-12 11:39:05

My heart goes out to you , take comfort from all his friends stories about him.

Celebrate his life at his funeral , play his favourite music.

Take one step at a time x

Badvoc Fri 06-Jul-12 12:05:45

He sounds like a truly wonderful person mumof2.
What is that quote?
You can tell a mans worth by the number of friends he leaves behind?
James was obviously very very worthy.
Am thinking of you x

greengoose Fri 06-Jul-12 14:39:06

I'm so sorry you have lost your boy. A child will know their mothers love, no matter what.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 06-Jul-12 14:46:06

He sounds so lovely, do tell us more about your boy if you want to. His friends will know how lucky they have been to know him, and will NEVER forget him.

octopuscakes Fri 06-Jul-12 15:48:30

Funerals should be celebrations, though when someone dies so young it is difficult to see through the grief. DH lost a close friend, aged 33, not so long ago in horrific circumstances, though different to yours. I learnt how important it is to stick together, keep each other company, even when there's nothing to say. I hope you will be able to keep in touch with James' friends. They sound like lovely boys.
RIP James. X

haththefecklessbreeder Fri 06-Jul-12 20:00:33

I am so so sorry for your loss.

zebedeeboing Fri 06-Jul-12 20:14:07

I'm so sorry don't know what else to say xxx

Flaneuse Fri 06-Jul-12 20:14:26

I am so very sorry for your loss of your lovely son, James. Thinking of you and your family, and wishing you strength.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 06-Jul-12 21:10:10

I don't know if it's just me but I found myself thinking of the great speech in Shakespeare "To be, or not to be ...." whilst thinking of James.
Life is so tough for people sometimes ....
I'm sure he knew he was much loved by many friends and family.
My heart goes out to you x

lavandes Fri 06-Jul-12 22:36:54

Hello mumof2teens I am so so sorry you have lost your precious James. My son Richard was 34 when he died suddenly in April 2010. I understand totally that James will always be your baby. We chose Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here for the music when we entered the service and Metallica Sad but True at the end as they were his favourite songs. You can chose whatever you like nowadays.

When you feel ready we are all on the bereaved mum's thread. We all support eachother and we never judge. My heat goes out to you and your family. xxx

zara206y Sat 07-Jul-12 00:38:55

Oh i am so sad for you. I really dont know what to say but thoughts with you xx

yellowraincoat Sat 07-Jul-12 00:42:17

This is so sad. Mental illness can be so cruel.

I'm glad you're getting support. You can always post here too. Sometimes it's easier on the screen, I find.

Mumof, james sounds like a wondeful boy.
I am so sorry for your loss.

CheerfulYank Sat 07-Jul-12 08:21:52

Again, I am so sorry. He sounds like a lovely boy.

I have a boy (he is a Sam, like your younger DS) and I can't even contemplate how devastated I would be. I think that the right thing to do or feel is whatever you are doing or feeling at the time. There is no "protocol" for terrible things like this.

Sending you much love, with tears for your beautiful son. I am so sorry.

We went out with James friends last night to have a drink in his honour, the whole pub was packed with just his friends. It was amazing to see how many people he touched. I have never laughed, cried and hugged so much in my life.
His friends are currently drawing straws to decide who will be his pall bearers, there are so many who want to do this for us.

We are so very lucky to have had James, it wasn't long enough but I honestly think that based on the amount of people there last night, he lived his life to the fullest and packed so much into such a short time.

James, we love you with all our hearts, you are our very special boy.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Sat 07-Jul-12 11:07:59

Thinking of you

(((hugs)))

FarrowAndBollock Sat 07-Jul-12 11:10:03

I'm so sorry Mumof2teen boys. I am thinking of you at this terrible time.

usualsuspect Sat 07-Jul-12 11:11:45

He sounds like he was loved by many people. You should be proud of your lovely boy X

((hugs))

EMS23 Sat 07-Jul-12 11:34:25

With all those friends and his family who love him so much, he won't be forgotten.

My mum lost her brother 40 yrs ago, her sister 25 yrs ago and we regularly talk about them. I didn't even meet my uncle, he died before I was born but his memory lives on.

Again, I'm so sorry for your family.
Xxx

Thumbwitch Sat 07-Jul-12 13:08:43

Mumof, so lovely to know that your boy was so special to so many people. (((hugs))) for you all. x

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Sat 07-Jul-12 14:20:59

I'm so sorry. Praying for you all..

AllYouNeedIsAClickyBallpoint Sat 07-Jul-12 14:28:52

I'm so, so sorry xx

bobkate Sat 07-Jul-12 14:30:10

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

BonnieBumble Sat 07-Jul-12 14:32:46

So very sorry for your loss.

LeeCoakley Sat 07-Jul-12 14:39:27

I am so sorry for your loss.

Tiggygirl Sat 07-Jul-12 14:41:32

So sorry for your loss. James sounds like such a lovely person xx

Itsgottabebags Sat 07-Jul-12 14:44:27

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 07-Jul-12 14:57:12

Mumof2 I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son James. He sounds a wonderful person, so loved.

xx

QueenOfIndecision Sat 07-Jul-12 14:58:25

Hi i just wanted to say that you sound like a super mum, mumof2teenboys, and James sounds like a lovely boy, one to be very proud of.
I agree that he was taken by his illness. There was nothing you could do, don't berate yourself, just be proud of him for the lives he touched so positively, in his short time here.
Of course, he knew how much you loved him. You always will.
x

So sorry for your loss xx

AlfalfaMum Sat 07-Jul-12 15:00:07

I'm so sorry mumof xxx
Sending you love xxx

EllenJaneisnotmyname Sat 07-Jul-12 15:11:08

He sounds like a very popular and loved young man. I'm so sorry.

pinkpyjamas Sat 07-Jul-12 15:18:21

James sounds like a wonderful person.
I'm so sorry you are all having to endure his sad loss.
My thoughts are with you.
Please be kind to yourself x

hoops997 Sat 07-Jul-12 15:23:36

So very sorry for your loss, James sounds like a wonderful boy and I'm sure he knows how much you all love him. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Sam and the rest of your family.

Rest in peace James x

Rumours Sat 07-Jul-12 15:36:22

sad so sorry for your loss

WoollyWoolfe Sat 07-Jul-12 15:55:47

So so sorry for the loss of your son James. My thoughts are with you. Please look after yourself x

LackaDAISYcal Sat 07-Jul-12 16:28:07

I am so so sorry to hear such dreadful news sad

Thoughts go with you and your family and friends over the coming days, weeks and months sad

karyncake Sat 07-Jul-12 16:28:38

I am so sorry to read of your loss.
My sisters life was taken just before her 21st birthday and it was a terrible shock for us all.
I never thought my parents would be able to deal with the loss but 8 years on I now see them smiling and joking again. We can chat about the normal everyday things that I thought we had lost and talk about her with fond memories.
I think the hardest part for my family was when the visitors and flowers stopped coming and the funeral was over. It seemed everyone had gone back to their lives and ours was still in pieces but gradually we found our way again.
From the perspective of a sibling I felt I put my own loss aside for a long time as I was so concerned for my parents and did not want them to have to worry about me as well. I put on a brave face for them, tried to organise my sisters belongings without being disrespectful when at the time all I really wanted to do was get rid of the whole lot as it did not seem right going through all her private things.
Please be kind to yourself.

SarryB Sat 07-Jul-12 16:33:46

God, how awful. I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Love and hugs from me. xx

I'm so sorry for you loss, (((hugs))) to you and your loved ones.

KurriKurri Sat 07-Jul-12 16:59:18

My Dear - I am so terribly sorry for your loss. There are no words to help in these early days, when your lives have been so devastated, but I hope that in time you will be able to find comfort in wonderful memories of James and the love you all shared. xx

AllMuddledUp Sat 07-Jul-12 17:37:17

James sounds like a wonderful young man who touched the hearts of many people around him. I am so sorry for your loss.

LynnCSchreiber Sat 07-Jul-12 18:01:00

I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a remarkable young man.

RabidAnchovy Sat 07-Jul-12 18:14:59

So sorry you have lost your lovely son, James sad

MrsYamada Sat 07-Jul-12 18:15:22

So sorry for your loss, so sad.x

fallingwater Sat 07-Jul-12 18:53:42

So, so sorry for your loss, mumof2teenboys. I hope God gives you the love and strength to come to terms with this devastating, brutal, shocking day in your life...Take solace from this: All of us are praying for you, and your lovely boy...God Bless Him... Your family, friends and other people you may never meet, (including myself) are here for you right now...Take care of yourself, mumof2teenboys, as this is something which will take a long time to absorb. I know this is totally unrelated, but I lost my mum when I was a teenager (She was 45 then..) for a long, long time, I could not deal with my feelings and emotions. It took years...
But YOU are in my prayers and I will pray to my Bhagwan to give you immense strength... xxx and hugs..

TheLightPassenger Sat 07-Jul-12 18:54:43

So very sorry to hear this.

MildewMayhew Sat 07-Jul-12 18:54:47

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. James sounds like he was an amazing man. sad

Angelico Sat 07-Jul-12 18:59:58

So sorry for your loss. Your posts are beautiful and am just so very sad for you. thanks

McKayz Sat 07-Jul-12 19:59:10

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about James.

He sounds like he was a wonderful person and I hope you can take comfort in his friends.

ohforfoxsake Sat 07-Jul-12 19:59:13

I am so, so sorry. xx

GetOnYourDancingShoes Sat 07-Jul-12 20:01:35

Thinking of you and your family.

Blessings x

kizzie Sat 07-Jul-12 20:32:33

I am so very sorry for your loss. Both of your boys sound wonderful. I agree with the other posters - a terrible illness took your son but you are so right to think of the time you did have with him as being even more precious. You and your family and friends sounds so lovely - I'm sure whatever you decide to do for the funeral it will be a perfect celebration of james' short but special life x

kizzie Sat 07-Jul-12 20:36:50

Just wanted to add that later you might want to do a search on Libby purves the journalist and writer. Her son nicholas died in very similar circumstances and she has written very movingly about how her and her family have come to terms with it x

chinam Sat 07-Jul-12 21:08:13

I'm so sorry for your loss. James sounds like an amazing young man. God bless you and your family xx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 07-Jul-12 21:12:58

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

James sounds like a lovely young man.

I hope you and your family find the strength to carry on one day at a time. x

everlong Sat 07-Jul-12 21:58:37

Another mother here who is so so sorry to read about your darling James. He does sound like a special and wonderful son who was loved by so many people. Keep those memories in the forefront of your mind.

My son also took his life over 3 years ago aged 20, so my heart stopped when I read your post. I understand your pain. If you ever need to chat I'm here.

heartbreaking sad i am so sorry for you and your family and for others who have experienced this sad he sounds like an amazing lad and you sound like a wonderful mother <3

FiftyShadesofViper Sun 08-Jul-12 02:38:07

I'm so sorry to hear your news. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

PlasticFlamingo Sun 08-Jul-12 04:06:01

What dreadful news, i am so sorry, James sounds like an amazing and much loved young man.

It sounds like his friends are going to make his funeral a wonderful celebration of his life. I hope it will be of some comfort to you at this sad time.

God bless xx

I am so very sorry for your loss. James sounds a lovely young man. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and Jame's friends. sad

Tabbykat Sun 08-Jul-12 09:04:19

So sad for you. My BIL died in similar circumstances and his funeral was the first many of his friends had been to, as he was so young. We tried to celebrate his short life as much as we could and his friends were a huge part of that.

Please take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family x

I am so sorry. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you today and your beautiful James.

GretaGarbage Sun 08-Jul-12 09:34:15

So sorry for your loss. james ssounds like a remarkable young man, with friends and family who will miss him desperately.

You are all in my thoughts.

so sorry for your loss xxx

LadySybildeChocolate Sun 08-Jul-12 10:07:02

I'm so very sorry xxx

HappyTangerine Sun 08-Jul-12 10:07:13

I am so, so sorry for your loss, your James sounded like a lovely young man. Thinking of you, your family and all who loved James. God bless xxx

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock Sun 08-Jul-12 10:39:29

Sorry for your loss, be strong x

usualsuspect Sun 08-Jul-12 10:41:07

I hope you are as ok as you can be this morning mumof2 xx

TheDancingPilchard Sun 08-Jul-12 10:43:10

I just want to say that you are in my thoughts xxx

IvanaNap Sun 08-Jul-12 10:47:15

Just wanted to add my thoughts mumof2. A beautiful name for a beautiful boy, so sorry for your loss xx

OpheliaBumps Sun 08-Jul-12 10:59:31

I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend died in very similar circumstances at the same age, over 20 years ago. My thoughts are with you and your family x

GrahamTribe Sun 08-Jul-12 11:50:29

Wishing you, Sam and Moon love, peace and strength. James clearly made a huge impact upon those around him and was loved by so many people. May that comfort you forever. xxx

So sorry to hear about your boy James. He sounds like a special much loved man. I hope that the love others had for him gives you comfort in the times ahead.

Sassybeast Sun 08-Jul-12 13:13:23

So very sorry to hear about the death of your son.

MinnieBar Sun 08-Jul-12 13:18:59

So much sadness on MN this week.

Thinking of you and your family.

SESthebrave Sun 08-Jul-12 14:19:46

Have only just seen this. I am so sorry for your loss x

Abra1d Sun 08-Jul-12 14:21:44

I am very sorry for the death of your lovely son, James. Thinking of you.

gobblegobs Sun 08-Jul-12 14:22:15

I am very sorry for your loss.

SucksFake Sun 08-Jul-12 16:50:00

So very very sorry to hear of the loss of your son.

James sounds like he was a lovely person, who will be very much missed by those close to him.

I hope you find some comfort in the fact that he was loved by so many, and by the fact that so many people are thinking about you.

RIP James xx

ragingmull Sun 08-Jul-12 16:53:45

mumof I am crying for you and your family right now. I am so sorry for the loss of James and sorry that his illness meant he felt this was his only way to gain peace.

I have been through what your younger son is going through right now and I'm afraid I can't tell you how to help him to get through this. However time does help and the love and support of family helps too,which he obviously has. Please encourage him to seek professional help at some point.

Also please look after yourself, rest and eat properly. I can't imagine what you are going through, I am sending you love and strength.

May your gorgeous son rest in peace. xxx

03angels Sun 08-Jul-12 17:08:36

I'm so very sorry to hear of your losssad

My love and prayers are with you and you're family x

Swatchdog Sun 08-Jul-12 17:13:16

mumof I am so sorry for you and your family.

When I was 23 one of my dearest friends committed suicide, so I have some experience of how his friends are feeling. It devastated us, but united a group of people for life. We still celebrate Tom's birthday as he was, and is, such an important part of our friendship group. Maybe this is something you would do for James with his friends? It felt right to us to celebrate his life on his birthday.

James will be in my prayers this week. Let light perpetual shine upon him. xx

lazarusb Sun 08-Jul-12 17:34:03

I have a son of 22, I can't imagine what you are going through.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, James sounds like a wonderful young man who leaves a lot of love behind him.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 08-Jul-12 17:43:59

Oh love. So sorry. I have a James who is 23 and can only try to imagine what you are going through, and get nowhere close to it I expect.

Take comfort from your family and his friends. You will be in my thoughts.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sun 08-Jul-12 17:46:10

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious boy xxxx

TroLoLoLo Sun 08-Jul-12 18:10:44

I am very sorry to hear of your sad loss. I am thinking of your and your family and friends.

cocolepew Sun 08-Jul-12 18:54:00

I'm so sorry x

flubba Sun 08-Jul-12 19:20:31

Words are insufficient to convey the deep, deep sympathy I have for you and your family.

lookout Sun 08-Jul-12 20:49:37

mumto2 so very very sad for you and your family sad. I hope you will continue to find James' friends a great comfort. My brother was killed at age 24 and now, 4 years on, the continued contact with his friends keeps him a little bit alive. And the memories they can share with you will make him even more special.

Much sympathy and love for you.

Abra1d Sun 08-Jul-12 21:27:59

Still tninking of you, Mumof2. And of your son, James.

scottishmummy Sun 08-Jul-12 21:34:10

hope you and your family are getting by
such an awful unexpected loss

Oh Mumof2, I don't have the words to express how my heart is breaking for you. You are feeling a pain which no mother should have to experience, the very worst.

You are so right - even when our boys are grown men they will still always be our babies. James will always be your beautiful boy.

Thinking of your family at this sad, sad time. xxxx

babyboomersrock Mon 09-Jul-12 01:00:40

What a tragic loss - I am thinking of you and your family and everyone who loved your beautiful boy.

My children are all older than your James - they're still my precious babies, and always will be, and I cannot imagine your grief. I am so sorry.

So sorry for your loss sad

Caramelia Mon 09-Jul-12 03:45:23

I'm so very sorry for your loss. This is just absolutely tragic. Sending you my thoughts and prayers. xxx

Sunnydelight Mon 09-Jul-12 03:54:25

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you are in right now, your beautiful James will be in my prayers.

CinnabarRed Mon 09-Jul-12 04:12:45

Thinking of you all at this terrible time. Your James sounds wonderful.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Mon 09-Jul-12 07:17:39

I am so so sorry, words often feel like they fall short but can be towers of strength when said right. I am sorry I have no words but my thoughts are with you, and my heart is sore at the thought of how yours must be breaking.

Take care, and keep Sam held tight to your chest.

May flights of angels sing James to his rest

This is going to be a ridiculous message - so I apologise before I ask the question! How are you doing? I remember the early days so well....the early days that feel like you are swimming through treacle. Remember any emotions you are feeling are totally normal. xxxx

I'm not sure how I'm doing today, we are arranging his funeral, he is coming back to our home town today and will be at the Chapel of Rest this afternoon. I have sorted out his clothes to take for him to wear and am trying to work up the courage to go and see him.

I'm so very angry today, how dare he do this to us, why couldn't he talk to us? why couldn't he reach out to someone/anyone?

Then I start to cry again, I miss him, but I'm worried that Sam will start to feel that he isn't loved as much as James because the grief we feel is overwhelming. That isn't the case but its something that worries me.

I want our old life back, seven days ago, all we had to worry about was work and the dinner. Now we are picking coffins and choosing scatter tubes, what the fuck is that about?

What do I do? How can I get Moon and Sam though this?

Maryz Mon 09-Jul-12 12:10:03

You just have to wait it out mum sad. And deal with the practicalities as they come up. I'm not saying it will get easier, but you will sort of get used to it a bit, because you have to.

And anger within your grief is absolutely reasonable. Sam will understand that you love them both, he will know that you would be grieving in exactly the same way if their roles were reversed.

Wishing you all love and strength for the coming week (((((hugs)))))

Thumbwitch Mon 09-Jul-12 12:11:08

Anger is normal, a normal part of any grieving process - and often more where a suicide is involved. Sorry, I know that sounds trite but it is still true sad

From what you said about James' diagnosis, he wasn't coming to terms with it well - and it would of course have affected his rationality. I would think he just wanted the pain of his condition to end. sad

Re. Sam - I'm sure he fully understands that he is just as loved - but he is still here and there is no need to mourn him - I'm also sure that he is grieving just as much. I hope you can all turn to each other and support each other - share your pain and grief with each other so that none of you close up and feel in any way as though you should hide it from the others.

In the meantime, as Shabba has said upthread - one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and just remember to breathe. That is what will get you through. (((hugs)))

Thank you all again, its such a trite phrase but I honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Michelle x

zonedout Mon 09-Jul-12 12:44:42

Michelle, I am so desperately saddened and so very very sorry to read about your precious son. I have two little boys and cant begin to imagine. Try to take every day, every hour, every minute as it comes. Thinking of you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 09-Jul-12 12:54:29

Oh Michelle I do feel for you, so much.

It is impossible to express properly on here. Actually, GirlwiththeMousyHair said it pretty well, 'my heart is sore at the thought of how yours must be breaking'.

Wishing you strength to get through today and every day xx

Abra1d Mon 09-Jul-12 13:01:28

Still thinking of you, Michelle. You WILL get through this, though it is awful that you have to. And Sam will understand.

KnottyLocks Mon 09-Jul-12 13:33:30

Sending you an enormous hug.

Have also PMed you. x

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 09-Jul-12 13:54:24

Exactly GirlWithTheMousyHair

my heart is sore at the thought of how yours must be breaking

Thinking of you and your family and wishing you all find the strength to get through today and the days ahead.

MissDuffy Mon 09-Jul-12 13:59:56

Sending hugs xx

Mumof/Michelle, I'm so sad for you. I'm sure you have been told this already - but anger is a normal stage of grief, especially when you lose someone the way you have. Not that that makes it any easier to feel that way, but it is normal. You can't fight the feelings, just let them come, accept their presence and ride them out.

I did my best to knit a J for your blanket. I'm working on an S now smile

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Mon 09-Jul-12 16:16:00

Michelle - when you have been through this (though not my child) you just want to be able to take that pain away from anyone else going through it - it's just not fair, it shouldn't be happening. He was a young man with his life ahead of him. Please try to not be angry with him, his illness stopped him doing what you wish he had (confiding in someone). Be angry with the illness, be angry with the health service, be angry with the world, but don't be angry with James - it wasn't a decision he made as a well person, it was the illness. It sounds as though he had many many friends and they are all wanting to share this time with you, this tells me that he knew exactly how much you loved him. I'm sure Sam is as devastated as you are, there's no way he's going to feel less loved because you are grieving for James' - that's just your grief making you worry about that.

You, Moon & Sam will get there together. You will cope because you have to. Life will never, ever be the same again, you can't go back - but you will find a place where you live alongside the pain. You don't 'get over it' you get on with it sad

But for now, do the things you have to do and look after yourself, be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone xxx

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Mon 09-Jul-12 16:20:36

I can't answer for anyone else, but for me, spending time with them in the Chapel of Rest really helped. I was able to spend hours talking, laughing, crying - saying goodbye. I know it's not for everyone, but for me it helped.

RatherBeOnThePiste Mon 09-Jul-12 18:19:05

An enormous hug for you my lovely, am thinking of you and sending love X

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I knew what to say.
(((hugs)))

EvianBaby Mon 09-Jul-12 18:59:20

I'm so very very sorry about your son. It is truly heartbreaking. I have a three year old son and would be so incredibly proud if he grows up to have as many friends, and is as loved, as James is. He sounds so very special. Take care, I'll be thinking of you and your special family xxx

Flossiechops Mon 09-Jul-12 20:06:34

I just wanted to add my sincere condolences too all the others. I am so very very sorry for yours and your families loss. May James be forever in your hearts. B x

nemno Mon 09-Jul-12 20:32:35

I have 2 sons too, 21 and 23. The evidence you have before you of all the love that James has generated shows what a great parent you have been and what fine men your sons turned into. You can be proud and hopefully will be comforted by this.

When I saw your username and read your thread title I was terrified to open the thread. I'm glad I did though, for me, as it made me realise that I too should judge my boys by how much their friends love them and not just by their academic and career achievements. Your family and James have clearly done so very well.

My heart is so heavy for you but thank you for this insight. x

everlong Mon 09-Jul-12 21:02:24

Dear Michelle thinking of you so much xx

Yellowtip Mon 09-Jul-12 22:48:21

Michelle just to say I'm still reading. I can't presume to understand the pain, but anger doesn't surprise me one little bit. It's absolutely natural I'm sure. Do keep coming back to tell us how you are, there must be lots of us here.

Vickles Mon 09-Jul-12 23:02:58

Michelle, i am so so sorry.
My friend's brother committed suicide..... He hung himself.
The rollercoaster of emotions they went through, are going through..... The desperation..... The raw anger.... The guilt... The pure love.
Stay strong. We are all here with you Michelle. x

Michelle, your bewilderment on how to get through this make me ache. I still feel that way - entirely different circumstances, but still the loss of a child. I am often surprised that I can even breathe, think, walk, or behave in any rational manner. But you do cope... anyway you can. Sometimes it means you cry for hours, sometimes it means a long walk with a friend, sometimes it's sitting here on MN, amazed by the love and kindness shown. Yet it is possible. I promise.

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Nobody should have to go through this! I cannot even begin to imagine how someone can cope with losing a child.
My thoughts are with you and your family. Keep strong and look after one another. {{hug}}

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Tue 10-Jul-12 07:08:47

Thinking you, Sam, your family and friends this morning Michelle

I hope you are managing to find the strength to carry on, day by day.

Zhx3 Tue 10-Jul-12 09:19:12

Michelle, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart aches for you.

I lost a dear friend, Martin, a few years ago. He died suddenly, aged 30. He had battled with depression since his teens, and was so happy when he died, with a new job that he loved and having just bought his first house. He had a sudden heart attack and was found at his desk at work. I still think of him often and carry him in my thoughts.

His Mum and Dad have found great comfort from staying in touch with Martin's friends, and this may be something that helps you too?

Martin's family asked for donations to Visyon in his memory. I don't know your location, but it may be of help to your children.

Love to you all x

elkiedee Tue 10-Jul-12 18:02:53

I can't know what you're going through but I understand exactly what you're saying about your son still being your baby, at any age - I have two sons and I can't think of a worse loss.

So sorry.

ginhag Tue 10-Jul-12 18:36:48

I'm so sorry, it's a heartbreak that no one should ever have to feel.

James sounds lovely, as do his and your friends and family. And you do too.

Sending you love and strength xxx

cogitosum Tue 10-Jul-12 19:20:34

I'm so sorry and thinking of you xx

LiberteEgaliteFRIGGernite Tue 10-Jul-12 19:30:31

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely boy.
Sending strength, love and light from one mother to another.

Michelle I've got a massive lump in my throat. You sound so amazing. Wishing lots of love to Moon and Sam. I'm so sorry for your loss.

LatteLady Wed 11-Jul-12 17:33:35

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother lost my brother when he was 39... as I am 9 years younger than him, he was always her baby.

I can only imagine how hard this must be to deal with... do not torture yourself with what ifs but comfort yourself with OMG wasn't it amazing when he... That was the only way I could get through when friends of mine took their lives.

And finally remember there is no right way to get through this, whatever takes you through is right. xxx

BellaVita Wed 11-Jul-12 17:45:53

Both your boys sound amazing, just as you are.

I want to give you a huge bear hug sad

I honestly don't know how anyone copes when they lose a child. Last year at the secondary school I work at, we lost a pupil (12 yrs old) in similar circumstances and this affected me for a long time, so god only knows how you must be feeling.

Be kind to yourself xx

We have James' funeral tomorrow, I really don't know what to do to get though this, it hurts to breathe at the moment.
How do I hold it together? How do I say goodbye?

usualsuspect Wed 11-Jul-12 23:52:04

<hugs> Just try and lean on people who are there to support you xxx

You don't have to hold it together

Maryz Wed 11-Jul-12 23:55:30

You will get through it because you have to [supportive].

I wish you all the best. It will be horrendous, but you will manage because you are a strong person, and James was loved and you will see that love from so many people tomorrow.

I will be thinking of you.

I don't know sweetheart, but you will, one breath at a time.

I have been to two funerals of friends who committed suicide. The sheer numbers of people attending seemed to carry the family through the day. At one, the boys mother said something along the lines of "If he knew that all these people cared about him maybe he would still be here today". Of course, it is not that simple, and all those people were there for the family as much as the deceased.

I hope that you find the strength you need tomorrow.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Idreamof Wed 11-Jul-12 23:58:15

I am so sorry, mumof2,i don't know. Do you have someone near you? I am so sorry.

TheFallenMadonna Thu 12-Jul-12 00:00:21

I don't know what to say. I hope I'm not saying something stupid.

Tomorrow I think you will be surrounded by people who remember James before his illness claimed him. Who will share those memories with you, and prompt memories of your own. Everything you have lost, but also everything that you had. I (and most of MN I think) will be thinking of you and your beautiful boy.

LackaDAISYcal Thu 12-Jul-12 00:00:53

By taking It one breath at a time.

Wishing you strength for tomorrow, mum2 xx

Yellowtip Thu 12-Jul-12 00:01:46

mumof2 there can't be the slightest need to hold it together. No-one could expect you too. I shall be thinking of you all day tomorrow. I also don't see why tomorrow should be a goodbye.

Yellowtip Thu 12-Jul-12 00:02:28

No-one could expect you to - sorry.

Mumof - I will be thinking about you tomorrow. You can do this. You have to have (what my DS4 used to call a funeral) a 'Bye bye party' for your precious lad. There is no shame in crying, shouting, laughing or smiling. The hardest day but a day that I know you will 'get through' even though I have never met you. 'There is no death, so sad, as that of a child.' AND, as my Mum always says to me 'You are still my baby even though you are 56 this year.'

Could I please say 'Goodbye James, goodbye till you and your family all meet again. Will you look out for my two sons - they are called Gareth & Matt....I haven't seen them for such a long time. Gareth is 30 and Matt is 28. They will show you around and enjoy causing trouble with you!!! Dont rest in peace but cause havoc with their help please.'

Will be virtually walking by the side of you tomorrow. If you feel like you cant do it just lean on me and I will help you.xxxx

CuttedUpPear Thu 12-Jul-12 00:04:17

Thinking of you and your difficult journey.
All the love in the world to you.

shabba that is beautiful

WhatWouldMargoDo Thu 12-Jul-12 00:05:41

thinking of you michelle. i am so so sorry.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 12-Jul-12 00:07:10

Oh Mumof2 - no-one will expect you to hold it together sad

I also have two boys and even imagining the edges of your pain breaks my heart. I will think of you tomorrow and wish you strength to get through the day.

Bless you and your lovely boy xx

Alameda Thu 12-Jul-12 00:10:11

will be thinking of you tomorrow, with lots of love xxx

Thumbwitch Thu 12-Jul-12 00:16:40

You will get through it, because it will happen around you. Lean on Sam and Moon, let them help you through. Let anyone who wants to help you - there will be many willing hands/shoulders.
Cry if you need to - but it's ok if you don't. There are no "rights" or "wrongs" at a time like this, you just do what you have to.

Lots of love and strength for tomorrow - will light a candle for James. xx

So many people sending you their love to help you survive tomorrow - we can't take away the pain, but please know that we are sharing it with you.

You have shown amazing strength. Do whatever you feel you need to do; no-one will judge you. xx

BellaVita Thu 12-Jul-12 06:24:25

Thinking of you and wishing you much strength xxxxx

Fedupnagging Thu 12-Jul-12 06:29:55

Am so so sorry for your loss and wishing all the strength in the world for today. Xx

MinnieBar Thu 12-Jul-12 06:59:09

Thinking of you today.

RatherBeOnThePiste Thu 12-Jul-12 07:09:44

Mumof2 - sending love and strength, you and your family are in my thoughts, big hug Xx

BumpingFuglies Thu 12-Jul-12 07:13:13

Mumof2, I'm wishing you strength for today, love and prayers for you and your family. x

TimeForMeAndDD Thu 12-Jul-12 07:17:22

Thinking of you today, sending lots of love and strength X

'Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal'

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 12-Jul-12 07:17:31

You are in my thoughts today Mumof2.

I'm wishing you, Sam and everyone else finds the strength to get through today one step at a time.

With much love and respect and a big unmumsnetty hug. x

differentnameforthis Thu 12-Jul-12 07:22:28

Condolences, op. So very sorry to hear this.

KnottyLocks Thu 12-Jul-12 07:28:06

Sending much love and strength to you, Sam and Moon.

Thinking of you all today.xxx

I love the image of James creating happy chaos with Shabs' darling boys. Bless you, Shabs. x

matildawormwood Thu 12-Jul-12 07:41:15

I've been reading your thread and you sound so brave and lovely. I'm so sorry you lost your boy. You WILL get through it today. I'll be thinking of you. I never thought I could get through my baby's funeral but I did find some comfort in thinking of all the mothers who have walked this difficult road before me and knowing that they are still standing and still loving and laughing. Although I dreaded the day, I look back on it with real fondness. There's no need to hold it together on today of all days, but we are stronger than we know. xxx

usualsuspect Thu 12-Jul-12 07:57:57

Thinking of you and your family today xx

greengoose Thu 12-Jul-12 07:58:58

Thinking of you today my lovely.
You don't need to hold it together you know, and also you really don't need to say goodbye, you have your love for him in your heart forever. Today is about everyone showing how much they loved him, and showing you that too.... There will be many shoulders for you. I wish you strength. X

My candle is already lit up here in Lancashire. I wish I could do more to help but my candle is lit to show my support to you and your family....and for James. Will be holding you close today xxx

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Thu 12-Jul-12 08:57:39

Lighting my candle here in Cambridgeshire for you all x

Remember it is a day for everyone to support one another and to remember James throughout his life thanks

Lovely thoughts from Shabba x

My thoughts are with you today.

Michelle, it is not goodbye. It is an interlude, a very painful one. Your love for James is infinite, and you will always be able to speak to him, and tell him how much you love him.

I hope for you today that it is a day which recalls James' smiles, his laughter, his ability to care, amidst the tears and grief. May it be a day of peace and love for you all as you celebrate your special son. Xx

Thinking of you today, know that we are all with you in spirit xx

BrigitBigKnickers Thu 12-Jul-12 10:41:55

Thinking of you and your family today Michelle xxx

QuickLookBusy Thu 12-Jul-12 10:53:33

Sending much love to you and all your family. Xx

sb6699 Thu 12-Jul-12 14:46:27

Thinking of you and your family today and sending you much love and strength x

RandomNumbers Thu 12-Jul-12 16:28:23

Thinking of you all today

I am so sorry for your loss x x x

Idreamof Thu 12-Jul-12 16:31:49

Thinking of you and your family.

CareerChangeMum Thu 12-Jul-12 16:32:04

OP sad hope it went/is going as well as can be expected.

boomdecker Thu 12-Jul-12 18:40:18

Thinking of you, and hoping you found the funeral cathartic in some ways. What an horrendous thing to live through, I am so sorry. I hope in the coming days you find many ways to cherish and celebrate James' life, and all the postive memories you all have of him.

(hugs)

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Thu 12-Jul-12 18:49:50

I hope you were all able to share some of your good memories of James x
Hope the day was some comfort to all thanks

KurriKurri Thu 12-Jul-12 18:52:11

Dear Michelle, today must have been so hard for you, I hope you were able to find some moments of peace as you said your farewells to James. xx

I hope you have managed to get through the day as best you can. That is one hurdle over and from here it will be one step at a time.

Thinking of you.

ginhag Thu 12-Jul-12 19:55:17

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxx

Thinking of you tonight, I hope the funeral was a comfort to you and all James' other family members and friends.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Thu 12-Jul-12 22:10:11

Michelle, I hope that you got some comfort from the people around you today - such a difficult day. It's a long road to anything resembling normality - we are all here to help you walk that road. You are in my thoughts x

OneLieIn Thu 12-Jul-12 22:13:08

Lots of love to you and your family.

We did it, we sent James onto the next stage of his journey. So many people, so much love. Sam managed to read his euolgy (sp) and both Moon and I were so proud of him, it was the most painful I have ever done, but I think we did it right, people kept saying that it was beautiful and completely James.

My darling boy, please be happy and at peace, keep an eye on Sam. I love you so much.

noddyholder Fri 13-Jul-12 08:47:16

That must have been so hard ou sound so dignified and proud and full of love. I am sure wherever he is he knows how loved he was and is xx

Well done to everybody. I know how hard yesterday must have been for you....a massive mixture of emotions. Was thinking about you all day. xxxxx

ginhag Fri 13-Jul-12 09:26:52

It sounds like a very special day. You should be proud that you not only got through it, but made it a day of love and celebration.

Lots of love xx

greengoose Fri 13-Jul-12 09:47:44

It sounds like you did things perfectly, and there was so much love for your boy and your family. Sam was very brave!
I hope the love you have felt can sustain you, and you know how many people are thinking of you and your family. X

Well done on doing him proud yesterday. My heart is aching for you x

Peachy Fri 13-Jul-12 09:54:19

I'm so sorry.

My friend lost her son in a similar way several years ago, he hung himself- in a panic over a £300 bill he couldn't pay.

I am sure your son knew you loved him; my DH has been suicidal and it's never been that he didn't know he was loved. always an irrational fear about something.

Thumbwitch Fri 13-Jul-12 10:43:03

It does indeed sound as though you did him proud and it was a day worthy of him.
xx

mummylin Fri 13-Jul-12 21:20:04

I am glad to see that so many people came to show your son James their last respects.Im sure he was very special to you.It sounds like you celebrated his life perfectly.

mumof2 I hope you gained some peace yesterday. It sounds like you created a wonderful day to honour James. x

ginhag Sun 15-Jul-12 21:45:58

Hello. Just wanted to say that there are a lot of people still thinking about you and sending love xx

Idreamof Mon 16-Jul-12 00:27:17

Yes, you and your family, in our hearts, and thinking of you.

giraffesCantFitInThePalace Mon 16-Jul-12 01:08:36

thinking of you x

It still feels numb, there is a pain that won't go away but I'm numb, how can that be?
My mum rang yesterday and said (I'm paraphrasing) 'things go back to normal now'
How does it go back to normal? Are we just supposed to forget James ever existed? I understand that we have to resume a level of normality but 'normal' Our normal has gone forever and we are struggling to adjust to our new normality.
I know that she is trying to say the right things but I just wanted to tell her to shut up and fuck off. Mature and grown up response to your mum hey?
We are jsut so very tired, just doing the basics is beyond me. Please tell me this passes.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Mon 16-Jul-12 07:09:41

Morning Michelle, i'm sorry i have no wise words of advice and i can't pretend i have any idea what you and your family are going through.

I can't imagine that you life will ever be 'normal' again without James.

I am sure at the moment it is all you can do to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other.

Keep going and i hope someone will be along in a minute to offer you some wise words.

Your family have been in my thoughts since you told us about James and they continue to be now. Sending you strength for another day xx

BellaVita Mon 16-Jul-12 07:29:11

Hokey has just said exactly what I wanted to say only better.

Thinking of you xxxxx

EMS23 Mon 16-Jul-12 08:13:50

Your Mum was, of course, trying to help. But you're right, things don't go back to normal. You have a new normal now and what that looks like will change and evolve over time.
FWIW, my Mum has explained to me that my Nanna, who lost two of her children was a different person the day after each one died. Life changes forever and you can't just go back to how it was.

Even on the day my Nanna died, my Mum felt she finally let go when my Mum and her other siblings reminded their Mum that it was time for her to go and look after their brother and sister now (my Gran was very religious so believed in heaven).

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte Mon 16-Jul-12 08:16:23

I'm so sorry your mum said that. Sending love still...