A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

(996 Posts)

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia’s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because… it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Flubba Wed 16-May-12 21:53:41

I'll be here by your side MiasMummy I'm here to listen to your words of love for Mia who we have all grown to know. I'm here to listen to your words of sorrow for the tragedy that befell you and your DH and I'm here to listen to your dreams.

Love, peace and light as ever.

x

AlanMoore Wed 16-May-12 21:55:45

sad what a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss x

Tamdin Wed 16-May-12 22:08:23

Thinking of you and Mia. True love x

Cassettetapeandpencil Wed 16-May-12 22:15:17

In tears reading that. So beautiful. I'm so so sorry for the loss of Mia sad

Lilyloo Wed 16-May-12 22:19:16

I have seen some of your posts about Mia, they are so beautiful and descriptive. I cannot imagine the enormity of her no longer being here, all my love x

GRW Wed 16-May-12 22:20:51

Your love for her is not diminished just because she isn't here any more. I am here to listen to your tributes to your precious daughter, and wish you peace.

WineOhWhy Wed 16-May-12 22:27:36

I have just looked at your photos and am crying absolute buckets ( and I am really not the type to do that). I just cannot begin to imagine your loss - looking at the photos I cannot believe that little poppet has gone. She has really touched me. Thinking of you.

fluffypillow Wed 16-May-12 23:09:28

Beautiful words for your darling little girl. Since reading your first thread a few months ago, I often think of you and Mia. I can feel your pain in the words you write, but the overwhelming love you feel for her, and the joy she brought you shines through always. Wishing you peace x

jmf294 Wed 16-May-12 23:53:49

A true love story- thank you for sharing your beautiful girl with us.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and light.

molschambers Wed 16-May-12 23:59:39

Your posts about Mia are so moving.

I'm so sorry.

x

BrigitBigKnickers Thu 17-May-12 00:23:25

Such a gorgeous child and your eloquent and moving posts about Mia are breathtaking. x

monstertufts Thu 17-May-12 19:02:46

We're all here thinking of Mia with you, and your words about her will touch us until you no longer need to write here any more xx

nkf Thu 17-May-12 19:07:35

She must have known every second of every minute of every day how much she was loved. That is precious. I am so sorry she is not with you now. But anyone like you,with so much love to give and share, will always be blessed.

covermeup Thu 17-May-12 19:24:12

I have come across your posts before. The way you speak about your gorgeous Mia is utterly beautiful. Your words are so moving and inspiring. She was and will always be so lucky to have you. I'm so sorry for your loss x

newtonupontheheath Thu 17-May-12 21:27:37

Thank you for starting this new thread. I didn't want to "fill up" your old thread by posting on it...

I think of Mia lots... When I'm out and about, I might see a little girl with red hair and I wonder whether that's how she would look now. And then my thoughts turn to you Mias ... Your little Mia would be so proud of her mummy for keeping her spirit alive as you have done. Your words have touched so many that we're never privileged enough to meet Mia in her short life.

Thank you for sharing Mia with us. I hope you can find a comfort in your "new" life without Mia, even though it is not one you would have ever chosen. With lots of love to you and your family xx

MustControlFistOfDeath Thu 17-May-12 21:30:51

(((hugs)))

xx

Wolfiefan Thu 17-May-12 21:36:04

Your post made my eyes fill with tears but my heart with love. So beautiful. My daughter is my sweet pea (I call her that!) words can never express the magnitude of your loss or the love you have for your gorgeous girl.

kilmuir Thu 17-May-12 21:43:24

I am not very good with words, unlike you. I can feel your love and your pain in your moving post.
Sending you lots of hugs

Reality hit hard yesterday. We had to attend a pre-inquest review, which determines the dates, length and location of Mia's inquest. Her inquest had been adjourned at our request in February, as we felt the information available was both insufficient and incomplete. Both DH and I had been very apprehensive in the lead-up, as we so desperately want the truth to come out - Mia's situation is quite complex. We know what we think, but of course, that is only one possible point of view, and nothing is sure.

Our coroner has a reputation for truth-seeking, and we have our own legal representation too, which was definitely the right decision. Yet this is so very real and difficult to face. But the dates are fixed now, and we have been given the opportunity to provide our own independent expert reports, on top of the three expert witness opinions that the coroner has requested. It is going to be so, so hard. I don't even know if it will provide any sort of closure. Just something to endure.

Unsurprisingly, the meeting and all the emotional lead-up, took its toll on us both. DH didn't return to work in the afternoon, and slept for four hours, something he normally absolutely refuses to do.

On top of this, last night we attended a parents' bereavement group for the first time. Such sad stories of loss, and yet we were welcomed, and allowed the privilege of sharing Mia's story. Another safe haven for us both.

Flubba Fri 18-May-12 14:37:47

Oh God, that will be tough to go though, and you're right, it may not provide 'closure' as such, but the other option, not to have attend the inquest, would be harder in the long run.

I'm glad you went to a parents' bereavement group. It must be so hard to face up to the reality of belonging to such a group, but hopefully they can provide more shoulders to cry on and people to listen to your wonderful stories of Mia, as well as the sadness you are feeling.

molschambers Fri 18-May-12 15:12:53

The inquest will be terribly difficult but I truly hope it brings some peace to you both.

So glad you have found the courage to join a support group and have done so together.

cheesesarnie Fri 18-May-12 15:16:52

you write so beautifully. im so sorry to read this.

curiousparent Fri 18-May-12 15:25:30

I remember your previous thread, I was so saddened by your loss, and of course continue to be.

I am so sorry that you have to tread this path, and that you are forced to live a life without Mia.

Life is so very cruel, my heart truly breaks for you.

xxxxxxxxxx

RatherBeOnThePiste Fri 18-May-12 16:10:12

Hello my lovely, thinking of Mia and sending you a big hug X

I've got an angel
she doesn't wear any wings
she's got a heart to melt your own
and a smile that just makes you want to sing

This is one of the songs we chose for the celebration of Mia's life. I remember going in, holding the beautiful flowers we chose, walking beside DH, as he carefully cradled his beloved child in her casket. One of the last duties of a father, one which never happen. I am crying now at the memory, although at the time, both of us were dry-eyed. We wanted to honour Mia fully.

Today, this was the final song in my gym class. The teacher said that anyone who couldn't do the position could instead do "child's pose". Tears flowing from my eyes, I knelt face down to the floor in this gentle position, and mourned my beautiful girl.

fannybaws Sat 19-May-12 12:31:32

Miasmummy I have read your lovely posts about Mia she is amazing and so are you.
I was in the car the other day listening to radio 2 and it was thought for the day and the man ( of god, not sure which god smile ) was talking about death and how our relationships do to end when death comes. He spoke so beautifully and it made so much sense about how true love does not diminish but is eternal.
It really struck a chord with me.
The person who died for me was my grandfather he was elderly and had alzheimers so i was happy that he passed, so very different and in the natural order of things. I miss him every day but the perfect true love that he had for me and I for him lives on.
And i know that he will always be with me.
I will see if I can link to it he explained it much better than I can.
Much love to you.

fannybaws Sat 19-May-12 12:38:00
pookiecat Sun 20-May-12 14:52:16

Carry on with your thoughts and beautiful words. We are hear listening, love and light xxx

Flubba Sun 20-May-12 16:07:54

sad

Doobydoo Sun 20-May-12 16:17:01

XX

BerryLellow Sun 20-May-12 16:19:48

Lovely words, wishing you strength for the time ahead x

Tamdin Sun 20-May-12 18:08:17

sad
Thinking of you x

hermioneweasley Sun 20-May-12 18:14:53

She sounds gorgeous. Xx

likelucklove Sun 20-May-12 18:24:35

I read some of your previous thread but found it too difficult to post. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's not fair. My heart breaks for you and tears are streaming, your posts are do moving and beautiful at the same time. The inquest will be hard, but you will get the answers you need. My love and thoughts are with you, your DH and family xxxxx

BikeRunSki Sun 20-May-12 18:58:05

Your writing is as beautiful as your daughter.

bikerunski My writing is inspired by my beautiful daughter, so any credit must to Mia herself.

fannypaws thank you for that link. Our broadband is down at the moment, so relying on my iPhone - but will definitely listen to that thought of the day. I do believe that Mia is with me in some form. I just wish, wish, wish, I could have her joyful little presence here to hug and kiss, to feed and play, to learn and watch.

An unexpected note arrived from a friend, just to say she was thinking of Mia. It was accompanied by this poem...

Missing but never gone
In hearts and minds forever
Always smiling, impish, joyful

Mia we love you
Mia we miss you
Mia come home

Sunbeams on red curls
Laughter fills the air
A world of delight for one without cares

Mia we love you
Mia we miss you
Mia come home

The world's greatest explorer
Each day new adventures
Once more you lead the way

Mia we love you
Mia we miss you
Mia come home

Nothing more to say, is there?

tinkerbel72 Sun 20-May-12 19:42:59

I am sitting here in tears.
Keep talking, keep writing, keep loving.
Your beautiful daughter's spirit lives on in your words.

Consort Sun 20-May-12 19:55:23

You are such a beautiful Mummy for keeping Mia's spirit alive.

I too lost my beautiful little girl last February, except she died at birth. What I would give to have seen her smile, to hear her coo, or even to hold her again. I miss her so much. Thank goodness she sent her little sister to be with us. I feel her presence often, and hope you do too with Mia.

Thinking of you, and hoping you get some answers from the inquest. Bless you, Mia.

I find myself waking each morning some time between 5 and 6am, and lie there, fully awake until the alarm goes off. My first thought is always of Mia. I had wondered if i woke because of the sun rising, but my waking time isn't becoming earlier each day as summer approaches.

This morning, I had the sudden memory of Mia waking around similar times, crying for a little feed. I'd pop her in bed with us, where she suckle happily for some minutes, and she would snuggle down between us, little nappy-clad bottom in the air, with hands touching her mummy and daddy on either side. I would wake later, with a little head nestled on my shoulder, soft pink cheeks and long lashes so peaceful, and an arm thrown across my chest. It was the best feeling in the world.

Maybe sub-consciously, I am remembering those special Mia mornings. I certainly long for them.

consort I am so sad to hear that you have also lost a daughter, but that you now have her little sister. I do feel Mia often, but it's not the same as having her here in front of me.

I just don't understand. I never will. Love you so much, my noisy toddler girl.

Consort Tue 22-May-12 02:36:51

I'm so sorry Mia isn't with you. It doesn't make sense. I wish it was different. She sounds like such a lovely little girl. I loved your story about her crawling into bed with you. Keep keeping her beautiful spirit alive. xx

stickybean Tue 22-May-12 03:01:35

Please know another person out there is thinking about your beautiful Mia Alexandra and has been touched by her through your wonderfully eloquent writing. I can't imagine your pain. She was so lucky to have you both as parents just as you were lucky to have her. I wish she was still with you xxx

BikeRunSki Tue 22-May-12 11:12:32

I never know what to say on this thread Mia'sMummy, but please know that I think of you every time I hold DD.

dubaipieeye Tue 22-May-12 12:47:42

Hi Miasmummy,

I'm so pleased you have started your new thread, it is a continuing privilege to share a little of Mia with you.

Love, light and hope for the future

XXXXX

Today I received a very flattering invitation from a friend, something she has considered quite carefully. She has asked me to be the godmother to her little girl, the little sister to her son who was born around the same time as Mia. She said that she would love me to be her little girl's godmother because she really admired how I mothered Mia, how I encouraged her to try new foods, how I allowed her to explore, how she felt I was so relaxed with my mothering style... it all just seemed very natural to me, but as I think she is a lovely mother herself, I feel really quite honoured. A wonderful accolade to Mia too.

Flubba Tue 22-May-12 20:52:35

That's wonderful news, and her reasons sound perfect. smile

Seven months ago the day started so joyfully. Who could have the universe was about to shatter?

Mia. I love you always. I carry you in my heart, sweet pea. X

monstertufts Wed 23-May-12 14:28:54

I have weaned myself off Mumsnet as I was spending far too much time reading the forums - but I wanted to log in again and let you know that I have been thinking of you and Mia. Such a darling little girl and you are a wonderful mum. xx

FreckledLeopard Wed 23-May-12 15:26:46

I've just sat here, at work, tears in eyes, as I've read through your first thread after finding this one. I've looked at the beautiful, beautiful photos of your darling girl Mia, with the beautiful hair and eyes.

I am so so sorry that Mia died and that you are having to live with the awful unfairness. Reading the thread makes one's own problems evaporate.

Words seem so inadequate.

Wishing you and your DH all the love, strength and grit to get through each minute of each day. Thinking of you, and your DH and of Mia.

Mia is with me every day.

She plays on the swings in the park with her loyal friend, little Mr Star. He asks DH if Mia is in his big toe...

As her aunt reminded me, Mia is the brightest ray of sunshine which arrived yesterday, despite the sadness of the date.

Mia is entwined in my heart, with the two bracelets twisted together that I wear, and my beautiful "Mama Mia ring", gifted by my mother from my grandmother's estate.

Mia is the song of the blackbird, who trills his lilting notes all day long, sitting on the top of the house.

She is the little "Mia" irises which are being especially grown for us.

Mia is all these these wonderful symbols of love - and so much more. She shines, she glows, she laughs. My darling daughter.

pookiecat Fri 25-May-12 22:03:13

Oh your words bring tears to me, may I add; she is part of the smiles and hugs of all our children and is the beating heart of you and your family. Mia will live on in all your new beginnings and in all the new memories that you have xxxx

BrigitBigKnickers Fri 25-May-12 23:38:32

You really have an amazing gift with words-maybe you always had it, maybe it is borne out of your devotion to the memory of your beloved child. I shed a tear every time I read your posts.

I hope at some point in the future you feel strong enough to realise your gift. Your beautiful daughter would be very proud of her mummy.

Take care x

mrsshears Sat 26-May-12 12:47:38

what a beautiful way with words you have, i cannot begin to imagine how you feel but i just needed to post and say my thoughts are with you x

jmf294 Sat 26-May-12 20:07:35

Mias mummy,
I've not been around these parts much recently but I do keep you all in my thoughts.
With the warmth and sunshine of the last few days I hope you have felt the beauty of Mia around you.

How are the plans for Mia's wood going- any further foward?

Keep writing about your precious Mia and we will all keep thinking, praying and supporting you here.
xxx

It is beautiful weather, and we had spent the last few days in the garden, with a variety of friends and family. So conscious that I should be running around after a busy little toddler girl, worrying about whether Mia is wearing a hat, putting sunscreen on her, and making sure she is drinking enough. I can see Mia so clearly tagging after her daddy as he rakes up the grass, desperate to "help", but more often than not being distracted by the song of a blackbird, the flight of a bumblebee, or simply wanting her daddy to push her on the swing. It would have been slow, but immensely rewarding, and DH would march back, glowing with happiness and pride, as Mia toddled beside him, her chubby hand carefully clasping his finger. if only...

My MIL brought up some camera memory cards, and we discovered some previously unseen photos of Mia. Greedily, we both pored over them, anxious to glimpse ant new insights and views of our red-headed girl.

One photo in particular touched me. Mia is cuddled into me, her head on my shoulder, as we sat around the table on that last day. So innocent and happy, in retrospect. I can still remember the feeling of contentment I had, clasping her against my body. What i see most is Mia's little arm around my neck, trusting and loving, as she sleeps. It symbolises everything about love, that sweet, wonderful gesture.

GRW Sun 27-May-12 22:45:42

It's heartbreaking that she isn't here any more, and you cling onto your precious memories and find comfort from them. How wonderful to find some photos that you hadn't seen before. I hope that if any of your friends or family have any more they will pass them on to you x

There were two Mia kisses in the sky during the afternoon yesterday. Signs from our little girl, saying <"Mummy and Daddy, I am always here with you, so rejoice in the beauty around you, and the company of your wonderful friends. I love you too.">

Mia is so much a part of my daily life.

Yesterday, I walked around a lake in the early morning sunshine, one of the walks I used to do with Mia. It was the first time I had been back doing the same thing. It wasn't as difficult as I thought, but I was crowded by happy memories. She did so love our walks, and would look around, so interested in her surroundings, waving at things, clutching her squeaky bee, or just playfully pulling at the nappy which shaded her - she wanted to see what was going on! Off we went, singing and play peek-a-boo all the way. This fascination with a new environment meant that Mia would never fall asleep until the last 15 minutes of the circuit, so I would just keep walking, or we would sit quietly until she completed her nap. I loved watching her sleep, long eyelashes on her cheeks, a little hand clutching a toy, exhausted from looking and learning...

On Sunday, we had a work colleague and his family around, people I hadn't met before. Their three little girls, all older than Mia, were absolutely charming, vivacious and sweet. That evening over supper, the eldest asked us if we had any children - we have photos of Mia around the house, and it was probably confusing for her. I was cooking, but the mother replied quickly "No, they don't." I'm sure she was a little embarrassed. However, I then felt obliged to say "Actually, we do have a daughter, but she died." The little girl accepted this statement, and we continued to have a pleasant evening. I just had to say it - I simply could not deny my beautiful, amazing Mia. She did exist, she does still matter. She always will. I did wonder afterwards if it was appropriate though, as different people obviously deal with death in different ways...

Last night, I climbed the stairs to bed, after a busy day. Somehow, I fully expected to find Mia sleeping in her cot. Even though both DH and I had spent the evening working on emails to our lawyer and medical support for the inquest... it hurts so, not to see her there, sleeping peacefully as I can remember so well.

Tamdin Tue 29-May-12 10:54:30

Of course you were right to explain to the little girl about Mia. She is still very much a part of your life and always will be.
My ds1 had his sports day last week and as I watched this little red head girl in the pre school running race, running with such joy and determination towards the finish line I unexpectedly found myself welling up thinking of your Mia.
Sending you love x

tinkerbel72 Tue 29-May-12 18:31:58

Yes, you were absolutely right to acknowledge that you are a mother and father; you do have a daughter, she's not living any more but her existence is just as valid as it always was.

I have no direct exerience of bereavement but people say that young children often absorb the truth quite simply. We as adults agonise over whether we have said the 'right' thing, whereas children just accept. A few years back a family along the road tragically lost one of their two children. I didnt know the mum well, but bumped into her one afternoon with my two children who were arguing away with eachother! We stopped and said hello and made small talk and then I remember taking a deep breath and just saying , oh goodness, my two are always arguing, were you two like that? And she just looked so grateful, so relieved that I hadn't tiptoed around , I had just asked a real question about her real boys. She told me they had fought like cat and dog!

It was very humbling to me to see how such a simple gesture mattered. Sometimes we tie ourselves in knots worrying about mentioning the unmentionable. She was a mum, she had two boys, she wanted that acknowledging.

Ponders Tue 29-May-12 21:16:54

I imagine the girls' mother was worried that talking about Mia would upset you, & was trying to head off such a conversation just in case. You did absolutely the right thing in explaining to the child & I'm sure her parents were fine with that.

Your dignity & composure in dealing with this awful tragedy, going on with your normal lives with such courage, is awe-inspiring, Mia's mummy.

I agree that the mother was only trying to be kind, and I didn't feel bad about her trying... just that what she said wasn't the truth. We do have a daughter. That fact will always be true. Just like I will always be Mia's mummy. After all, after our parents or grandparents die, we suddenly 'don't' have parents anymore. We do, but their physical presence is no longer here. They live in our hearts and in our minds, and in little gestures or sentences or belongings, which gently remind us of the love we hold. Now, in the present, the future - not only the past.

tinkerbel yes, acknowledgement of our children is so important. There is a beautiful piece of writing called "Please say their names" which is so apt. I love it... this is a part of it.

What can be said, you ask? Please say their names to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say their names to us and say their names again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say their names for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say their names to us and say their names again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.

tamdin I love that image of the little red-head running. Thank you for sharing it, and thinking of Mia - I read your words to my DH, and he also smiled at them.

The start of another new month. Nothing very special about the date. Except it is yet another month of my life without Mia. Another month of creating new memories without her. It is so wrong.

slipperandpjsmum Fri 01-Jun-12 15:25:12

I have always read your threads and imagined Mia but her beauty took my breath away looking at your photos.

Mia has touched and affected so many people's lives and I know through you she always will x

Mia is amazingly beautiful. I am so sorry for you. She smiles in thoses photos like she will never stop. She is smiling down on you op, she will never stop smiling down on you.

Mia's two-year-old cousin celebrated her birthday today, and we watched on skype. She is the little girl who is three months older than Mia, and who has had her name changed to add Mia into it as a second name, to honour her red-headed cousin. We gave her a musical instrument set, just like the one Mia was given for her first birthday, as it gave her so much joy to bang and shake and tap. It just seemed right to give this gift.

How I would have loved Mia to be there, amongst her family and little cousins, in the thick of the excitement, tagging along with the bigger kids, doing her special high-pitch scream of joy, undoubtedly consuming birthday cake with gusto. Mia would have been exhausted by the end of the day, over-tired, but having been spoiled and cuddled and kissed by everyone.

I have a wonderful video of the two girls when Mia was four months old. They are sitting on our knees, interacting with each other, totally absorbed in the other tiny person opposite. Mia's cousin squeals, and Mia giggles in response, and they keep on with this unique baby-exclusive conversation, until Mia herself contributes her very first, high-pitched squeal into the mix, looking both surprised and pleased at the new sound she has produced. So she tries again, with greater volume and pitch. And this is how Mia learnt her infamous discordant scream, used to convey both happiness and displeasure!

How I would love to see the girls together, growing up, getting into mischief together and having growing-up adventures. We had planned to move closer to the rest of the family just so Mia could have these experiences. But it's hard to pursue such thoughts now. And no use.

elephant and slippers It is flattering to hear that you think Mia is beautiful. We always thought so, and will always think so, but I expect that is allowable as parental bias.

She is beautiful mias. I am sure she would be just like you sy. Full of happiness.

Every morning, I wake and my first thought is of Mia. When I used to wake, every morning would be unbelievably exciting and wondrous, simply because I would be having another day with my little girl.

This morning, I thought about the Mia-shaped hole in my life. And how, as each day passes, my world creates new memories, each day, each moment, another leaf in a pile. Mia's pile of memory leaves is rich and beautiful, but it hurts that it will not grow any larger. By contrast, my own pile of leaves will continue to grow, and I worry that it will one day its size will diminish those memories I have of Mia.

While I am know that the Mia-shaped hole within me will always be there, I worry that proportionally, it will shrink as my life moves on. I want her to remain a key part of my life forever. I love her so, so much. In a good way, I can only hope that it will grow through the everlasting love I have for her.

But what if it doesn't?

GRW Sun 03-Jun-12 23:21:56

I'm sure she will remain a key part of your life forever, and the love you shared with her will continue to guide and influence you for the rest of your life.
I have seen grief described as like a fried egg- all consuming at first, and then becoming proportionally smaller as your life continues to grow around it, like the white of the egg spreading out.
But it never goes away, just as the love you shared with Mia will always be there. Your memories have been captured so vividly in the words you write, and I am sure that in years to come reading them will help to keep the memories fresh in your mind x

dubaipieeye Mon 04-Jun-12 18:18:06

Hello Miasmummy

I agree with GRW. Having learnt so much about Mia and your love for her here, I am totally certain that nothing could ever diminish her in your world. You world may continue to grow and change from time to time, but I am certain that it will be with Mia watching over you and carried in your heart.

With love and huge hugs, as ever xxxx

jmf294 Mon 04-Jun-12 20:07:50

Mias Mummy,
Just wanted to add my thoughts about memories.
Some memories burn deeper, are stronger, brighter.
Tha accumulation of memories is more of a qualitative than quantitative process.
If you could physically measure how much space your memories of your darling girl occupy you'd see for certain how the memories will remain just as Mia and your love remains deep in your heart.
The memories you have of Mia will be just like the love you have for her- how could it possibly shrink, be replaced or become less important?
The memories and love will grow and endure all time.
Thinking of you on the Jubliee weekend,
take care
Jo

bushymcbush Mon 04-Jun-12 20:14:44

Thank you for sharing Mia's story with us. I have just looked through your profile pictures - what a delightful, beautiful, joyful, adorable girl she is!

I can't begin to convey how sad I feel for you. I have a 3 year old red-headed girl and whenever I think of Mia I have to hold my dd a little closer to me.

Are you writing all your memories down somewhere you can keep them? That could allay your fears that her pile of memory leaves will diminish with time.

we are all imperfect beings, and we are all pretty much trying our best - but it is possible to co-exist with our broken bits and to co-exist joyously with our broken bits.

An aspiration for life. Sometimes hard to envision though.

I think I have been living in some sort of parallel universe for the past few days, feeling euphoric and full of love for Mia, remembering her giggles and smiles and inquisitive looks. And of course, her cuddles. But reality crashed down yesterday, in the middle of our jubilee party, watching the other neighbouring families with their toddlers, second children and second pregnancies, thinking that this should be me, watching Mia run around, fiddling with the various bits of games equipment we had organised... It all became too much. I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore, and I had to come inside and have a huge sob session, under the pretext of putting on warmer clothes, before re-emerging to join the happy throng.

Thank you all for your reassurances about my memory leaves and love for Mia. I feel better that her importance in my life will not diminish. In fact, I think her life will shape mine forever more.

jmf294 Tue 05-Jun-12 22:35:54

Sending you love, light and the warmest hugs- so sorry to hear of your raw grief hitting you yesterday. It sounded like you were in a warm happy place with your beautiful girl and then hit by a tsunami of grief- and so understandably so.

Thinking of you all xx

jmf you asked a while ago about progress on Mia's Wood. It's all been quiet for a while, but we intend holding an event later in the month of all those people nearby interested in helping make it happen. I spoke to Mia's nursery last week, and they are very keen to be involved in a Mia's Wood pilot project with the beautiful conference centre which is also nearby.

And tonight we looked at a piece of land within walking distance of our home as a possible actual site for Mia's Wood itself. It is probably about 2 acres, and currently quite unloved, with nettles and weeds throughout, but it is encircled by trees, and it could be part of a safe route to school for school children - and best of all, the owners said that when they were small, they used to call it 'the playground.'

LalasMama Wed 06-Jun-12 21:45:12

I followed your last thread and am so pleased I found this.
I feel I know Mia, through your beautiful words and memories. She was truly gorgeous and a complete credit to you. It's hard to believe such a lively little girl has gone.
I think about you and Mia most days, little things remind me of her.
I have cried buckets over your previous posts and am sure I will continue to do so.

Sending lots of love and strength your way xxxxxx

pookiecat Thu 07-Jun-12 18:23:59

As always my thoughts are with you and Mia comes in to my thoughts on a daily basis, that gorgeous red head sprite. You will one day find peace and contentment , Mia will always be with you xx

monstertufts Thu 07-Jun-12 20:44:55

I don't visit MN all that often, but wanted to drop in and tell you that I still think of Mia.

I've just read through the thread, catching up on the new posts.

It is painful to learn of your anxiety that the space Mia occupies in your life and thoughts might diminish as time passes. I honestly don't believe that's an accurate way of looking at things. The memories that you have been accumulating since you lost Mia are not like those that preceded her. Anyone who reads your posts here can see that every experience you have is infused with your love and yearning for Mia. She may not be with you any more, but your time with her has changed you forever, and because of this, nothing you feel or experience now will truly be detached from her.

You are all lovely, coming on this thread to hear more about Mia. And yes, you are right, there is such overwhelming love and yearning always there for my little girl, in everything I do.

Those feelings are particularly prevalent when I see little girls about the same age as Mia would be now... I had one of those moments today at the gym. The little girl was dressed in her swimsuit with the swim nappy poking through, and her mother was just lovely with her, calling her "baby girl" just as I used to do with Mia, and they chatted away in that unique mother-toddler language. The little girl looked across at me with her big eyes - and all I could think of "Why isn't that Mia and me? Why do I have to stand aside and watch? Just why? That was me, that was us... how could Mia be taken away from me?" Still, I had to smile at them both, they were so enamoured with one another, it was beautiful to see. I know how magical that love is.

I have a set of photos of Mia which always make me smile. Mia and her block trolley - standing in a tough-boy stance as she holds on proudly, and then a variety of poses as she shows all the possibilities of the trolley... sitting on top of the blocks, using it to climb onto the coffee table, standing with her legs under the handle on the floor, and then finally, actually sitting and playing with the blocks - all done with that special, cheeky-but-pleased-with-herself look. It just makes me want to pick her up and squeeze her tight, and tell how how much I love her.

I hate that I can't ever hug Mia again. That knowledge kills me, a fresh realisation which brings tears every time.

humblebumble Fri 08-Jun-12 03:12:16

I lurk and read your posts. You write so vividly and beautifully. I hope that writing things down helps you with your thoughts about Mia. I can clearly see her and now she is a part of my thoughts your posts really stick in my mind.

This morning I was woken by a dog's bark, which took me back to a holiday last year, when seven-month-old Mia discovered dogs. We were in the car, and had stopped for lunch, going to the outdoor tables, carrying Mia and all our stuff. Suddenly, her head twirled around, her attention obviously caught by something, and she started to point and squeak excitedly. "What is it, Mia? What can you see?" I said. I looked over, and there was a lovely furry black dog with a long waggly tail. I realised that Mia hadn't probably seen a dog at close range (poor child!!), another living thing which looked very different to people, but could move independently just like her. No wonder it was so fascinating!! I took her over to see the dog better, and her little face was one huge smile, although slightly quizzical as well, as I attempted to explain to her about dogs. When we eventually sat down, even her favourite pieces of cucumber and cheese were no competition for the sight of a dog, and she tipped herself sideways to ensure she had a better view of this new fascinating creature. It was so funny to watch.

Yet another close encounter with dogs wasn't quite so positive, but that was understandable. A neighbour of ours has three lovely dogs, one which is quite huge and furry, with a very deep bark. Mia and I had to drop off something there, and entered the house, and the dogs rushed up to us, each barking as they would normally. All this noise and action was all a bit too intimidating for Mia, who was sitting in my arms. She quickly scurried up my body like a little monkey, as high as she go, to try and escape, and began her infamous high-pitched squeal, this time to signal great alarm and danger! I'm sure she would have tried to sit on my head if it were possible. With such cacophony around us, my neighbour and I decided against a lengthly visit, and Mia and I left quite quickly, unsurprisingly. Again, though, it was very funny.

I so wanted to make sure that as she grew up, Mia wasn't afraid of dogs.

Love you, my Little Squeak. xx

jmf294 Sat 09-Jun-12 15:24:00

I really loved you thoughts a few days ago about the magical love you were describing and at the same time I felt heartbroken for you reading about you seeing a little girl with her Mummy and your longing to hug your darling girl again.
But the magical love that can't be changed or taken away. Mia is blessed with so much love- hang on to that magic.
The developments on Mia's wood sound really promising- I have a lovely young tree in my garden with the most beautiful deep red leaves- I have no idea what type of tree it is- but I'd love to give Mia's wood a tree like it.

I hope your weekend is peaceful.

flubba Sat 09-Jun-12 19:49:31

I haven't been on here for a while and I'm sorry for that. Your words about getting tearful every time you re-realise that you won't get to hug Mia again make me cry too; me, a stranger (even though I feel I 'know' Mia from your words and descriptions), so I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel every time.

Sending you peace, love and light.

x

dubaipieeye Sun 10-Jun-12 18:33:47

Hi Miasmummy,

I saw another of our beautiful desert sunsets tonight, they always make me think of Mia and her warm golden hues.

Just stopping by to offer you a hug and lots of love, we are all still hear and listening,

XX D XX

A big smooshy cloud kiss in the sky today from Mia to her daddy, as we drove off for his first triathlon. We loved her kisses - wide, open-mouthed affairs, inevitably landing on the nose or chin, but done with such joy and love, we always had to smile. That's the sort of cloud kiss it was today.

How I would have loved you to be with me at the finish line today, Mia, waving at your daddy, and I could have handed you to him, and you two could have finished the race together. So proud of your daddy, darling, and so proud of you, sweet girl. Love you. xx

strictlycomedancingdiva Tue 12-Jun-12 00:38:57

I thought of you today, Miasmummy, in the hectic rush of my day I saw a little girl with red curls, I slowed, and said a little prayer for you.

Wishing you peace x

everlong Tue 12-Jun-12 07:05:22

That's so lovely strictly

How wonderful is it that when we see a little red headed girl that we think of Mia?

I agree, it is both amazing and incredibly touching...

Flossiechops Tue 12-Jun-12 21:35:22

Miasmummy I have read many of your posts about your beautiful little girl Mia. I am so utterly sorry for yours and your dh loss. You describe your love in such a profound way that it is tangible in your words. I work very closely with people in terminal illness and their families, the more I see of life the less I understand. Bad things happen to the most wonderful people, and yet they carry on living because they have no other choice. Our lives are never the same, but, like somebody else previously said life goes on both cruelly and wonderfully.

You had said about the leaves of your life carrying on and Mia's not and that you feared your memories would diminish. I nursed an elderly lady who had lost a young daughter like yourself, she spoke about her all the time even though 60 years had passed. Not in a sad way but in a reflective way, she had gone on to have more children yet her daughter was still very much in her heart all of those years later. Your memories will always be with you no matter how much time passes between you. I truly hope that you will find happiness in your heart once more. B x

A few odd experiences over the weekend, and I have been trying to assimilate them before putting them down in words...

...a little four-year-old friend, who herself had been very sick, provided me with her 'solution' to making my life better. "You can have another baby girl, and you can call her Mia" she proudly announced, very pleased that she could help provide solace to DH and I. I couldn't help but smile - that a small child would somehow understand that we are sad without Mia, and thought about it long and deeply, to come up with an idea to 'fix' us.

... I attended the BBQ I had been fearing, and while we only chose to go along because the others attending were real friends with whom I could feel safe, I still ended up being blindsided by an unexpected guest, who is both vague and verbally clumsy, who asked me how motherhood was. One of the hosts heard the question, and quickly came across to put his arm around my shoulders while I explained about my beautiful child. A unfortunate misunderstanding, I thought. But then the other guest went on to insist I should help him develop a project with a Tibetan children's charity, which I refused, explaining about my focus being on Mia's Wood. However, the following day, he wrote to me again, saying I am sure you've come out of it as you mentioned your life has changed, which I am sure would make you a stronger person and find more meanings in life. Life is short yet beautiful and there are still so many people needing our help. I am trying to believe he thinks he is trying to help, but his clumsy words were upsetting.

...the other night before DH's triathlon - we had tried to go to bed early, but various texts and calls kept preventing us from sleeping. Then, when we were finally asleep, a call came through at midnight, and I had a panic as I picked up the phone, worrying it was bad news… not that I have any special reason to think that, just I am now only too aware of how life can change suddenly. It was nothing, but I was a little freaked out and ended up sobbing afterward, thinking about the terrible call I had to make to my parents when Mia died.

Very little emotional resilience, I'm afraid. Just a heart full of love, a head full of wonderful memories, and arms which ache to cuddle Mia's soft body. And a life changed forever. Love you, my darling girl.

jmf294 Wed 13-Jun-12 23:34:45

I just looked here tonight to see if you had posted as you have been quiet this week and I was wondering how you were.

I'm sorry that man was so insensitive to you and it sounds from your description of him that emotions and social clues isn't something he understands. But he is right in saying you are stronger- your strength is amazing as you face life without Mia, yet fill your life and heart with such love, light and hope. Although it may not recognise your strength when you are struggling - keep holding on.

The sentiment of the little girl is so touching- she could also obviously see what an amazing mummy you are and how blessed a baby would be to be born into such love- prayers and thoughts.

I say a prayer tonight for you all and your parents as I can't begin to imagine the pain surrounding that phone call, not much else I can say but thoughts and prayers of healing love.

Love and light to you all especially darling Mia xx

homeaway Thu 14-Jun-12 20:23:13

How are you ? I do think that some people just mean well and come across the wrong way. You have to do what you feel comfortable with and it is not up to others to judge you . Take care xx

monstertufts Thu 14-Jun-12 20:32:51

How odd that a little girl could understand how you are feeling much better than a grown man! I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you: he just sounds like he has absolutely no idea. He is living in his own little bubble and is unable to see things from your perspective. (I'm sure we're all like that to some extent.) He doesn't sound like an uncaring person, given his charity work and his remark about helping others, so perhaps he was indeed trying to be helpful and comforting. The fact that he wrote to you soon after talking to you in person suggests this - why would he write to someone who (from what you've said) is nothing more than an acquaintance, unless he was moved by the horrible news about Mia?

Please try not to dwell on his words. We can't expect to be understood by everybody, and must instead cherish the few who do understand us. Hold tight to those who comfort you, and forget the rest.

everlong Thu 14-Jun-12 20:38:36

I won't swear because this is Mia's thread but aarrgghhh how could that man be such a thoughtless idiot.

He can't have children of his own, surely? Well done for staying composed.

Had to smile at that little girl trying to help you, bless her.

chipmonkey Sat 16-Jun-12 15:58:54

Oh, it's all so simple when you're a small child, isn't it?

Mias, that man sounds like he's missing the sensitivity gene! I'm sure you wanted to shake him

I have messaged you on FB about something ds4 said.

Three very emotional days, and feeling tired and tearful, and not a little overwhelmed now I have had a moment to stop and think.

On Friday, we saw the hospital again, but had quite a fruitful discussion about our past and future interactions, and we are hopeful for improvements in the future. Draining, but worthwhile, if they live up to their verbal promises.

Saturday was DH's alternative birthday party, moved deliberately to June as his real birthday will never be the same again for us, with memories of Mia standing up in her highchair blowing out his birthday candles. The night that our world changed irrevocably. So we organised a 'summer' birthday, with a houseful of wonderful family and friends, love and laughter - but tinged with sadness as Mia's little friends rushed around, playing with her toys.

Yet it was an important day too, for both of us, and for Mia. For we announced publicly that I am pregnant with Mia's little sibling, a gift of hope which has been granted to us by Mia. That is something we both feel so very strongly. Upon hearing the news, the room was filled with smiles and tears in equal measures as we tried to convey both the happiness and fear we both feel, and the challenges and new opportunity that a second child may bring to us. It is still a long way to go, and the weight of expectation of others can be heavy. I know everyone wants this for us, but we know the darker side of the world, how it can spiral out of control, and I am taking it a day at a time.

My godmother arrived to stay this morning, and brought with her a very special scrapbooked photo album of Mia, created by my mother with both love and tears. I eagerly looked through it, finding the memories evoked so precious, and seeing our relationship with Mia through the eyes of others. And then I hurt unbearably, because there will be no more photos. Mia looks so adorable in the beautiful selection of photos chosen, and so incredibly happy. As we were too.

It is so very hard to balance the pain with the love we feel, both for Mia and her little sibling. Joy and love and fear, mixed all together. I just want my little red-head back to be here, and to be a big sister, just like one of her little friends, gently stroking the hair of her recently arrived sibling. I want my DH to smile on Father's Day because of Mia. And we can't.

Our loss and our joy both seem very great.

flubba Mon 18-Jun-12 07:32:00

You must be filled with such mixed emotions MiasMummy. Again I'm in tears from your post and am struggling to convey my thoughts adequately. I think you must have to count each day with your growing bump as a blessing and not be hard on yourselves.

Love, light and peace to you all xx

tinkerbel72 Mon 18-Jun-12 17:41:15

I firmly believe that once we become parents, for all of us, that most powerful form of love and happiness is always tinged with fear. Even for those of us who are blessed with healthy children who get throuhh childhood without any major scares or disasters, think about the 'what ifs'. We all imagine what it would feel like for something bad to happen, and even though we can't understand the depth of grief you're experiencing, we know that it is a terrible thing and we try to push the fear away quickly.

So I can totally understand the mix of emotions. Your second child will bring you joy, but will inevitably be a reminder of what you have lost too

Sending you heartfelt wishes for a smooth pregnancy. It must feel like such a long and scary journey, but this time next year your lives will have been turned upside down again, but this time in a wonderful way.

Cassettetapeandpencil Mon 18-Jun-12 18:00:15

Miasmummy firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think of you often and pray for you and your DH. I'll add your little impending arrival to my prayers too.

Mia sounds like a wonderful child and she is so beautiful in her photographs. I'm so sorry for the heartache that you are going through. I don't know what to say and it's probably little comfort but we are always here to listen to you and share in your memories and thoughts of Mia. Thank you for letting us get to know her through your beautiful words.

monstertufts Mon 18-Jun-12 21:01:33

Miasmummy, what wonderful news about your pregnancy. I can understand your mixed feelings, but please do be kind to yourselves. You are a wonderful mother with so much love to give, and your new son or daughter is blessed to have you and your DH. Very best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy (in all the best ways!).

My 10-month-old DS has recently got into the habit of sticking his tongue out. It always makes me think of one of your photos of your lovely Mia. I quite often look at your photos of her. A wonderful little poppet. It's no wonder she has such a tight hold on your heart.

everlong Mon 18-Jun-12 22:02:02

Hope you are feeling a little more peaceful after such a emotionally charged weekend miasmummy

Such lovely posts for you to read, I'm sure you will find some comfort in them.

Thank you flubba, tinkerbel, cassette, monstertufts, everlong for writing with such empathy and love after my last post - and thank you for understanding how I feel.

monstertufts in Mia's beautiful scrapbook, there is a whole page devoted to photos of her with her tongue sticking out. It always denoted a great deal of concentration - just like her daddy!

everlong yes, today has been more peaceful. Having a member of my family here does invoke memories of Mia, as I associate family visits and their excitement of being with her, and general happiness. At the same time, it hurts when I realise that she is no longer here.

Tonight we visited a magical woodland area, which has been created by a local charity. It was such a peaceful, wonderful place with the most amazing trees and views. It has a beautiful woodland sculpture path, especially designed to stimulate a love of nature's wonders in children, and there is a possibility we could work with them to create a special section just for Mia, if this is what we want to do. The downside is that it is a reasonable distance away from home, whereas the positives is that it is a beautiful area, and it has so many of the same goals we have for Mia's Wood.

chipmonkey Tue 19-Jun-12 00:24:25

That woodland area sounds so very lovely, Mias.

everlong Tue 19-Jun-12 20:14:10

I love the sound of the woodland. Beautiful.

Tamdin Tue 19-Jun-12 21:24:51

As tinkerbel said I also feel being a parent is such a complex set of emotions. At times I feel truly blessed and lifted by the love I have for my children and yet at other times I feel overwhelmed by worry, vulnerable and fearful incase anything would happen to them. Every parent's worse nightmare.
One that you so tragically have had to learn to live through. Your courage, honesty and strength as you grieve for your darling Mia has been inspiring. The love you have for her will be shared and re-told over a lifetime to her new baby brother or sister until they love mia as much as you do and I truly believe mia will watch on with love and light. Congratulations x

jmf294 Tue 19-Jun-12 22:11:34

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Such contrasting thoughts and emotions filling your mind.
Your hope and fear, your joy and grief - but all filled with such love.

So many people here feel so strongly for you because your love for Mia is so alive.
Look after yourself and I'll keep praying for your precious babies. Xx

Mia feels so close at the moment. I received a set of videos yesterday that my father had taken of Mia on various visits - when she was born, at Christmas, his trip here last June. It was wonderful to relive those moments... the proud, adoring looks from us and the whole family as they met Mia for the first time, beaming and cuddling her gently. Mia in a full-throated baby roar, with DH patting and comforting her, brand-new in his role of father. Mia in the chaos and noise that is Christmas with my family, oblivious to the noise, contentedly lying across her daddy's arm, chewing her fist. Mia in the swimming pool with me, grinning and smiling as we whirl around in the water, quite comfortable whether being thrown in the air or submersed underwater.

Mia changed so much over those months, from tiny wrinkled newborn, to little baby, to a round-faced enthusiastic little girl. Watching the videos, watching her move and learn and make noise, all the feelings of complete love come flooding back. So, so amazing to have my little girl in front of me again like that.

I hate that her story is finished. For me, it never will be. That bright smile and those big inquisitive eyes are part of my daily sights.

Oh, how I love you, darling girl. xx

girliefriend Wed 20-Jun-12 22:32:37

Hello just wanted to say hello and am so sorry for your unthinkable loss. Mia is a gorgeous, beautiful little girl and it sounds like her life was full of love.

I have been in tears reading your posts.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, thinking of you and Mia xXx

chipmonkey Wed 20-Jun-12 23:59:17

Mias, yesterday my iPhone crashed. Luckily I have all the photos on it backed up. But I may have to get a new phone and it kills me that the first thing I see when I turn it on, won't be a picture of Sylvie-Rose. And that the last picture I took of Sylvie-Rose was on that phone, there will be no more. It's so awful, isn't it?

I am exactly the same, chip. To the point I now don't like taking any new photos on my phone, keeping my collection of Mia photos and videos "pure" somehow. I know I need to upgrade the phone too, as the battery life is poor, and I have replaced the screen twice, but the thought of relinquishing this series of images marking the little moments I shared with Mia, the spontaneous fun as she did something silly, fell asleep in her highchair, or looked cute in her bug floppy hat... Replacing them with a deliberately chosen set of images is not something I can quite face yet.

Today, I feel like Mia being gone is a huge misunderstanding. She will be here to bang on the rubbish bin like a drum, or run unabashed into a room, happily yelling, or throwing herself into my lap for a cuddle and to explain in baby talk her latest adventures. A little part of me dies each time I acknowledge none of these will ever happen.

Several of you have mentioned the fears of parenthood... This morning I woke from a terrible nightmare, where my life was going to change in a way I could not prevent. And I know the nightmare was most likely a manifestation of my concerns about this pregnancy. Yet, upon waking, the realisation that the worst has already happened, losing my amazing daughter, was even more terrible. And then knowing that Mia's death, as tragic as it is, cannot make me immune to further awful life events possibly awaiting me in the future, is so very frightening. This is a view of the world I have never considered before, all the bad things which I cannot prevent or control or stop.

Mia darling, you have taught me so much about love. I still am in awe of your beauty and all-encompassing love. Now, please help me to manage these fears, as I know you are so much more in my life than that. You deserve more from me. Love you. Xx

monstertufts Fri 22-Jun-12 21:43:00

Miasmummy, your account of the nightmare you had, and your reflections on it, are all heartbreaking. No, your loss of Mia can't protect you from further pain in the future. But you are no more likely than anyone else to suffer new pain. Maybe one day you will lose the pain and just be left with your wonderful memories of Mia. People say that this is what eventually happens with grief.

You have said that Mia taught you so much about love - I suspect that her little brother or sister will be able to teach you just as much about hope.

I hope your dreams tonight are less painful for you. xx

Eight long unbelievable months tonight.

One year ago, we had just returned from a happy long weekend with my sister and her daughter. Mia learnt to investigate my handbag, discovered the joys of taking the cards out of my wallet, and the excitement of bouncing on a bed with her big cousin. All wonderful experiences for an inquisitive, curious little girl who was exploring newly-found capabilities every day.

A year on, how different life is. Oh, how different in every possible way.

My aunt is visiting, a visit she longed to make when Mia died, to be here for us, but had to defer. A special time for us both. It was this aunt who wrote the beautiful words - One breath at a time. Give yourself time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave her beauty, her love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

I wear my shawl of love so proudly every day. It keeps me warm with the knowledge that Mia's love will always be with me.

everlong Sat 23-Jun-12 22:36:57

I love your aunts verse. I've seen it a few times before and it always brings a tear to my eye.

It is perfect for how a bereaved mum feels.

Sending you a huge, warm hug tonight xxx

jmf294 Mon 25-Jun-12 13:15:35

Thoughts with you as another month has passed.

I really hope the love and joy Mia brought into your lives serves to give you strength and hope.
May happy memories fill your mind and love fill your heart.

dubaipieeye Mon 25-Jun-12 14:02:46

Miasmummy I am so delighted to hear that Mia has sent you a sibling. I can only imagine your mixed emotions and heightened fears - I am afraid I have no words of clever advice, but you remain in my thoughts and daily prayers. You have such strength. x

everlong, jmf, dubai, monster such kindness and love shine through your words. My family know how much solace I find on this thread, and my mother remarked today that everyone here is also part of my shawl of love... and she's right.

I just wanted to say that I have been thinking further about that terrible nightmare, and walking forward in fear. It isn't right. monster your words were very true about the future. I have realised that I don't want Mia's influence on my life to only be about fear and sadness and darkness. She means so, so much more to me than that - she is all good things : love and joy and absolute happiness, and I absolutely owe it to her to concentrate on the positive, wonderful things in life.

I must hold true to my mantra of love and light, and in this way, I will honour my darling girl and bring her sibling into a world of joy. Mia. xx

jmf294 Tue 26-Jun-12 12:40:43

Mia's mummy-

You post reminded of the lines from a poem that I have just looked up and will paste below.
Although the fact of the true awfullness and injustice of the loss of your darling Mia can't change other feelings can change and the fear and sorrow lessen.
Indeed there are so many people who never had the privelige of meeting Mia and yet feel so saddened by her loss- so I can only begin to imagine how much greater and more intense those feeling are for you all.
For you Mia is love, happiness, hope and joy and that's the really important thing that needs to continue to grow and fill your lives.

'You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on'

Oh- if only it were so easy but you are so brave, a wonderful Mummy and so many people think and pray for you on this journey ahead.
Take care

Jo

Tamdin Tue 26-Jun-12 20:07:16

Wonderful post jmf

pookiecat Wed 27-Jun-12 17:42:23

Just to say even though Iam not on here very often, you are always in my thoughts and I constantly think of lovely Mia , love and light to you all.

Wolfiefan Wed 27-Jun-12 17:51:38

As ever your posts have me looking at my DD with tears in my eyes and treasuring every cuddle and word. Mia you spread love and joy to those who did not even have the chance to meet you.

flubba Wed 27-Jun-12 18:29:09

Very good post jmf and you sum up so succinctly how I (and others I can only presume) feel about Mia and her mummy.

jmf you made me think when I saw the poem you posted. I have seen it before, as it was sent to me soon after Mia died. At that point, while I knew my love for Mia would never disappear, I couldn't move past the if only...

This time when I read these verses, I felt different. I have moved forward to some extent. Now I can read these lines, and for me, I feel that where a sentence starts with Or, for me it should read And... I don't think the grief will disappear. It co-exists with the overwhelming love of Mia which lives within me, a part of me.

Yet now I can feel that the balance is slowly tipping towards the positive - joy, happiness, love and wonder. That is what Mia experienced. Those are the feelings that she evokes in me, even now. That is her legacy which I hope to pass onto her sibling.

flubba Thu 28-Jun-12 06:40:10

You absolutely will pass her legacy onto her sibling ~ as you have touched the lives of strangers with your stories, so you will do so with stories to her little baby brother or sibling. He or she will evoke those same feelings in you, perhaps even more intensely because of Mia, and you will hold on to the grief and you will use it to the good.

Love, light and peace xx

Astralabe Sun 01-Jul-12 19:18:59

Hello Miasmummy.. Nothing very profound to add but still reading and wanted to tell you I think of you every day. I also wanted to renew my offer to look at a manuscript / recommend editors etc if and when you publish.. You are an inspiration. I'm sure there are so, so many who read and don't post but for whom you've provided a huge source of empathetic comfort. May all go well for Mia's Wood and the rest of your pregnancy. Much love xx

Darling Mia,

On Thursday evening, we gathered together a group of people who love you very much, to talk about making your wood a reality. Your daddy and I have been given so many ideas, and we really needed their help to refocus our vision. It was an amazing night, a room filled with love and goodwill, determination and confidence. People love you so much.

We came away enthused and excited - our friends told us to focus on a location which is near to home, somewhere close enough to where we can walk, to create a place that is magical and evokes the wonder of nature, the beauty that never failed to fascinate you. And that it is better to act now, with the funds we have, rather than wait for the perfect location which might never eventuate, so that your family and friends can join us in our visits, and we can plant the beautiful Mia irises. We also hope it will be a place of solace, so that other parents can come to remember their own children with joy as they too, experience the magic of your beautiful wood.

And just as the seasons change and trees grow, so shall we encourage Mia's Wood to evolve. We still have many ideas, but for now, this is enough.

We shall plant the little acorn and watch it grow, and always, always, think of your bright eyes, eager to learn, and your excitement in the world around you.

Loving you always, my red-headed girl,
Mummy xx

How can my Mia be dead? My beautiful Mia and the finality of that word, in the same sentence. She feels so alive to me. She is so beautiful. We are so proud of her. She made our world, perfect, complete. How can Mia be gone?

LadyGago Mon 02-Jul-12 10:46:09

Mia is still here in everything that is beautiful. I know that she is not where you want her to be, in your arms, but she is in the hearts of all those that know and love her, and in the thoughts of people here that she has touched through your words. As long as she is talked about and thought about and remembered with love, Mia truly lives on. xx

jmf294 Mon 02-Jul-12 11:49:30

Mia's mummy- it is a question that just can't be answered.
But we are all just a grain of sand on the beach, a drop in the ocean, life is so fleeting and fragile.
But she lives on in your heart, your mind, your love.
And I truely truely believe, actually no I know you will be together again.
At that day, time will have rolled away, have no more meaning and you will be with your darling Mia for eternity.

Your plans for the wood sound so wonderful.

Saying a special prayer for you and your girl today- your heart is very heavy, but so many are here to help you carry the load.
Bless you xxx

flubba Mon 02-Jul-12 11:51:58

x

Tamdin Mon 02-Jul-12 12:15:34

Sending you Love and thinking of Mia x

dubaipieeye Tue 03-Jul-12 18:30:29

Much love, I wish we could take away your pain. Xxxx

Thank you everyone. DH has also said that he wishes he could take the pain away for me. Very generous offers from you all. I don't think the pain will ever go away - it is so strongly intertwined with my love for Mia.

We are on holiday this week, and we both admitted today that somehow, it is almost harder to go back home again, after a week of suspended reality. We both still nurture a tiny flame of hope that Mia will be there for us, and life will return to normal... packing the car even made me sad, as we would not have been able to fit all our gear into our smaller with Mia here, as we can now... and with our extra time, without the pressures of everyday work, DH has allowed himself to cry more, admitting how much he misses his little red-head, who took him to "a new level of happiness that he didn't know existed until Mia arrived into our lives".

astralabe I really appreciate your kind offer, and I haven't forgotten. I am at a hiatus with my writing at the moment, but I do hope to move forward again soon.

I feel cheated. Even my dreams are no longer a place of refuge. I woke this morning from a dream where I had been asked if I had children... I replied calmly, "I have a daughter, but she died." No tears, just facts. I felt sad this morning, but resigned to this truth.

I love it when Mia makes her rare visits into my dreams. Very rare at the moment.

DH was remembering how he just used any excuse to spend time with Mia. I have spoken here how hanging out the washing and changing the sheets were some of my favourite times with my little girl - one of his own favourite weekly tasks with Mia was to take out the bins, and to bring them back. Off they would go, down the drive in the early evening, he hoping quietly to catch sight of our neighbours so he could show off his little girl, Mia gesticulating wildly as she looked and listened as he explained about the world around her.

A special father-daughter adventure, twice a week, putting out the bin and bringing it back, a mundane little chore made magical and joyful by simply being together.

jmf294 Wed 04-Jul-12 23:21:59

Such moving memories of household chores being turned into joyful moments because of your beautiful girl and the love you share.
I've said it before but you and your DH are such remarkable parents, the love you have so previous.

IsabelMamma Wed 04-Jul-12 23:50:47

Hi Mia's Mum just want to tell you I'm thinking of you always. Even if I haven't answered your PM back yet , you and Mia are always in my thoughts & prayers. I'm just having a low week this week and can't seem to write at all.

I hope you enjoy your holiday with DH...I'm sure Mia is smiling down from heaven looking at her Mum & Dad having quality time together.

Take care of each other XXOX

For the past few days, I have been heartbroken by the story of little Aillidh, a little girl fighting for her life at the moment. Like many of you here on MN, I have been sending her love and light, from both Mia and me, in the hope that indeed, a miracle might happen and she survives against what seem to be insurmountable odds. And what has really touched me was the waves of support and care coming from so many people...just as I have also received here. So very powerful and moving. Many tears here.

However, when I and other bereaved mothers have written on Aillidh's thread, I have felt that we have been given undue attention by others. Lovely, but so unnecessary. To me, it feels perfectly natural. Of course I don't want another mother, or another family, to deal with the loss of their beloved daughter. Even more so, perhaps, than others who have not suffered such a terrible loss. Why would I not send this little girl any sort of healing thoughts I can? We know the pain, and there is no way in the world I would wish this on anyone in the world.

We had a beautiful, glorious, red sunset last night, after days of constant rain. I wanted to think it was Mia sending us love and light, and perhaps, perhaps, a little glimpse of hope. This morning, we learnt that Aillidh had survived the night, against the odds, and have now just heard that her stats are improving. I know that this is a far too convenient and simplistic explanation, but I hope, nonetheless, that Mia and I are helping just a tiny bit in Aillidh's fight.

Frontpaw Fri 06-Jul-12 11:58:12

What a beautiful, beautiful little girl.

flubba Sat 07-Jul-12 06:34:41

I dreamt of Mia last night; she was toddling round our garden peacefully and happily in our garden with other children. I woke up thinking of you and your husband MiasMummy and yet again don't know the right words to say, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

flubba, that is a beautiful image of Mia. Thank you. You have written perfect words.

eightytwenty Sun 08-Jul-12 15:08:05

Mias your last post has been troubling me. I so hope that you weren't upset by the fact that you were 'recognised' on ailidh's thread. I am de lurking to say that your posts on Mia are written so beautifully and are filled with such love that you bring her to life. I follow often, think about you more, but haven't posted in fear of not having anything helpful to say. I am sure there are plenty of others who feel like they know a little about you, thanks to your beautiful writing, and who wish to acknowledge your suffering.

And I am so sorry for your loss. My dd is of age with Mia and I am so sorry you have had such a wonderful child snatched away far far too soon .

eightytwenty please, don't be troubled. I truly wasn't upset about being recognised on Aillidh's thread, more that I felt a little awkward about the unwritten thought that the love of a mother who has lost her child is somehow 'better' or 'purer' in her love - and that it would be more difficult for a bereaved mother to want a sick child to become well. Every single person who wrote on Aillid's threads, with such compassion, had so much love for her. I was merely adding my thoughts, and it felt right to bring Mia into my words.

There is no comparison when it comes to love, or loss. Love just is. I cannot say I love Mia more than any other mother loves her own children, for how would I know? How could I presume so?

All I know is how much I love my red-headed sprite, who lives forever in my head and heart, a little face shining with love and laughter, alert and eager, as she sits in my arms.

everlong Sun 08-Jul-12 21:00:17

Dear lovely miasmummy I just wanted say hello and that you and Mia are often in my thoughts... I'm away for a while so just wanted to check in before I go away to say keep well, keep strong and I look forward to reading your posts on my return xxx

eightytwenty Sun 08-Jul-12 22:07:09

My father died in a terrible accident ten years ago. And as awful as it was, and still is, I don't think anything can compare to losing a child.

When friends have subsequently lost family members too early, it feels like they've joined a horrible club that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. I imagine this is how you and some I the other bereaved mothers might feel.

I just hope Expat finds some comfort from the massive impact Ailllidh has made, and from her faith.

It is a horrible club, or a 'crappy path', as one other friend aptly describes it. No-one ever expects to find themselves here, no-one ever chooses this and then - bang - you land on this hard, bumpy path, and you can never escape it. You meet others along the way, and you help each other, but the burden of pain is always there. And now expat is on this path too. Too many of us.

Yesterday, driving back from our week away, we saw a tourist train, steaming along beside the road, with families inside, little children waving madly at the cars as we passed them by, ever hopeful to see a responding wave. I just burst into tears. I wanted so much to be on that train, waving too, with Mia on my knee, watching her giggle as the whistle sounds, doing her special bounce of joy. Such a minor thing, out of all the things I hoped to do with Mia, but it hurts so much anyway.

Annunziata Mon 09-Jul-12 15:19:01

I have just found this thread. You are the most beautiful writer, your love for your darling Mia shines though every single word. I am so sorry for your loss xxx

Going into Mia's room, the one we lovingly prepared, but which she never rarely used, as there was room for her cot in our bedroom, I am struck by the the colourful photo-frame clock I selected for her, especially so we could have photos of all her family members for her to learn to recognise. I would carry Mia into the room, and we would do a circuit, playing with the mobiles, bouncing the mouse on a spring, kissing the parrot fish, and then I would talk to her about the clock, telling her about each member of the family. We have a special photo book too, where you can record voices, which I thought would be fun for her to use, as each page could have a different family member speaking.

So sad that it is us who need the photos now, to remember our beautiful girl. I am so thankful we have many, as well as countless little videos which have captured Mia's many moods and expressions. By far, her most common expression is of laughter.

So lucky, such a treasure. Yet never enough.

pookiecat Tue 10-Jul-12 18:51:51

As ever your writing is full of passion and love for your darling , as Iv said before life will send you blessings and your pain will ease, but Mia will always live in your heart. Not on here very often as back at work, however Mia is always in my thoughts, as are you and your family.xxxxxxx

annunziata and pookie thank you. I have realised that almost everything I have written on here has been accompanied by tears. I don't even really notice them anymore. And I have never considered myself as someone who cried a lot - until Mia died.

Mia would have wanted you to be happy. This phrase perplexes me. Mia was only 13 months old. She had four teeth, was still learning to walk, and hadn't even had her first haircut. I'm not sure she was up to such a complex emotion.

Yet I have also realised something important. Mia didn't ever see me unhappy. How could I have been? My life was all I could have ever wished, and the year of her birth was the happiest of my life, as I married my wonderful husband, and saw the arrival of my beautiful, amazing little red-head. Happiness was the perpetual state of affairs in our house. She might have seen us stressed, or tired, but never unhappy. It would have been wrong. In fact, I don't think it occurred to either of us. She made our world perfect and wonderful and amazing every day.

I do know that Mia loved me. So much. That love shone out of her eyes, and I see it in every photo.

And that is enough. Well, it has to be, doesn't it?

eightytwenty Tue 10-Jul-12 22:27:30

Oh Mia's. And we read your posts often in tears. How can we not? Life is not fair. You should be writing these observation in a journal of her life, to give to her as an adult as a testimony of your love and her journey from baby to adult. It is not fair that you have been robbed of this happiness that we all should be able to take for granted. The fact that you can't is so upsetting, but it does remind me to appreciate every day with my children (even when they're driving me mad). I so hope that you are able to enjoy being a mother again once more. When is your dc2 due?

AnxiousElephant Tue 10-Jul-12 22:43:17

MiasMummy my heart is breaking as I sit here reading your beautiful words about your gorgeous daughter. I can only send my love and wish you peace, gone but never forgotten xxx sad

Yesterday, I found myself talking to Mia in the car, asking her to look after her little sibling, who is 19 weeks' today, and making themselves felt with little wiggles and flutterings.

I asked Mia to help ensure that her little sibling is born safely - healthy and normal, as well as intelligent, kind, loving and beautiful. Last of all, I asked if her sibling could have a long life, the life that she was not granted. I felt so guilty asking for this, and cried as I did so. It seemed so selfish and unfair to make this request of a little girl who did nothing wrong, but who had her life taken away so cruelly, to ask her to help ensure something that she was not given. It seems almost cruel. But I couldn't help it. I had to.

I think my actions were prompted by memories of Mia before she was born, when I asked for very many of the similar things for her. But at that time, I forgot to mention a long, happy life. I didn't even think of it - a natural assumption that this would happen. A part of me wants to say - ah, that's why she died, then. But the logical part of me says that this is nonsense. Just in case though, I didn't want to make the same omission...

Beautiful girl, your mummy made some unbearable hard requests of you. I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Ever. I feel so bad now. You have already given me a wonderful, amazing present.

AnxiousElephant Thu 12-Jul-12 20:50:24

Oh, sweetie, it is only natural to feel like this and to pray that all is well and I hope Mia was listening and can help to guide you all through xxx Wishing you all a lifetime of happy memories both of mia and of your new precious angel xxx

CanIhavesomeginnowplease Thu 12-Jul-12 21:26:07

I can not put into words how much my heart aches for you, I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling.
I will be thinking of you both x

Tamdin Fri 13-Jul-12 11:47:05

Mia's my ds1 was in hospital for minor surgery this week and as I looked at him so small and nervous in his bed I thought of you and how scared you and your dh must have been the night Mia was admitted to hospital.
It is truly heart breaking and as many have said on this thread, if I could take your pain away, even for 1 day so you could be free from grief, please know that I would x

tamdin we weren't very worried until Mia had problems breathing. Then, we were terrified. But no-one medical seemed unduly concerned. After that, things happened far too quickly and our lives apart...

I ache to see my girl. Such a beautiful smile. It's impossible to think I never will again.

Tamdin Sat 14-Jul-12 17:41:50

I hope I didn't say the wrong thing.
Sending you love and best wishes as always x

monstertufts Sat 14-Jul-12 20:17:39

Not often on Mumsnet, but thinking of Mia every day xxxx

I don't anyone who writes on this thread says the wrong thing, tamdin, so don't worry about that. But it is very hard to trust the medical system now.

Mia would be 22 months old today. If she were here, we wouldn't even notice the day, it would be a normal Sunday morning, with her crazy morning curls, breakfast chaos and chattering, with me teaching her new words and talking about the day ahead. Her death feels so unreal at the moment, a terrible nightmare, and one day I will wake up. How can a little noisy girl, full of life, so ready with cheeky smiles and enthusiastic arm-waving, just not be here anymore? It is beyond my comprehension.

And there is nothing, nothing I can do to change it.

I always believed that hard work, determination or money, or a combination of all three could fix pretty much any obstacle in life. A good result in exams. Study hard. A burst tyre in the outside lane on the M25? Phone and breakdown cover. New job. Persistence. But I can't do anything to change this. I can't fix it. I can't even make it a little more bearable. I just want Mia back so desperately. And not seeing her again, years and years of this loss yet to come... oh, it hurts.

A little sibling is a different happiness, incredibly special, but never a replacement. I know that I will love this child so much. Yet I feel that complete happiness will elude me forever. How can I be like that when a part of me, my red-headed girl, has been taken away?

I want to wake up.

matildawormwood Sun 15-Jul-12 23:06:33

Oh Miasmummy I don't have anything to say that can take your pain away but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I am thinking of you and your darling girl tonight. I know that feeling of it all being a bad dream and just wanting to wake up. And the awful sinking feeling that this is forever. I'm trying hard not to think about forever and just take life a week at a time and then I look back and am surprised how far I have come.

Of course Mia's sibling will never be a replacement but he or she will fill your heart with joy and give you a reason to get up each day and to look forward and plan things again for the future. I know it's so hard but it's clear from your posts that you have a huge capacity for love and joy and, for this reason, I feel sure that you will have happiness in your life again. You so deserve it. xx

matilda I am amazed that another day goes by, and then another, and another. It bewilders me how we even manage to breathe, let alone function.

Last night DH and I were up very late, me working on a proposal, and DH working on a submission to our lawyer, researching through information we needed. It took him all night - probably over six hours in total. I felt sick watching him opposite, knowing that he was hurting, missing Mia, as he went through the horrible, clinical, dispassionate medical notes which outline the last hours of our beautiful daughter's life - yet I simply cannot force myself to be a part of it, which makes me feel so selfish, while he is so selfless. By the time we went to bed, DH was upset and frustrated, knowing that this work is important but so meaningless at the same time. He was only calmed when I felt Mia's little sibling give me some huge kicks, and he was able to feel it too, for the very first time.

Both our babies look after us, it seems.

flubba Tue 17-Jul-12 22:48:58

Mia's Mummy while Mia's sibling will never replace Mia, she or he will continue to give you the kind of comfort you are already experiencing, even with just kicks at this stage. You must ensure that neither of you feels any guilt at feelings of joy that these kicks give you. I imagine that your emotions must be in turmoil, but he or she is there as her or his own person. A sibling, but a person in his or her own right too.

I can understand totally how you don't want to take part in the clinical, legal side of understanding and clarifying what happened to little Mia, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. And your lovely DH to take comfort in little kicks is what life continues to be about, despite the gaping hole that Mia has left.

I think of you all often, and, although you have no choice but to go forward and continue, I am constantly amazed at how wonderful you and your DH are at being parents.

Love, light and peace to you all

x

Umnitsa Tue 17-Jul-12 23:38:17

Mia's Mummy my heart aches for you and your husband. This is so cruel and unfathomable. Death and little girls must not be in the same sentence. But your Mia is so alive! Through your words, your love, your vivid descriptions she has become part of so many people's thoughts. In a strange way, your Mia's luminous life and your all-surpassing love for her put in sharper focus my own love for my little girl, love I feel with every cell of my being.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that very soon you will hold in your arms a beautiful healthy sibling to Mia, a little boy or girl whom you will see grow into a wonderful man or woman. And Mia will watching from above.

Mia is so alive in my head, umnitsa, it's true. She was so very noisy - with an array of sounds for every occasion. I often think I hear her high-pitched wail or her bubbles of giggles when I go to the shopping centre. Mia was never a quiet child. She had trills, she had snickers, she had wide-open mouthed laughter. Mia would have a little mum-mum-mum noise as she busily crawled along, and a special da-da-da to convey content at a situation. I would talk to her, and she would reply in her own baby way, copying my intonations, as she prepared to form her first real words...

Now, I can only wonder what they might be, and what sort of language she might have now. I can only idolise her, rather than be amused or annoyed by her latest antics. I hate that.

Tamisara Wed 18-Jul-12 19:43:45

Miasmummy (((hugs))) You are an amazing mother, and have a beautiful soul. Words are inadequate to express this.

I'm convinced that Mia is watching over her sibling, and I'm sure communicating with him/her.

I have nothing else to say, the way in which you write, the love that pours through your words, and the joy with which you celebrate Mia, are so heartachingly obvious, and it's impossible not to be moved to tears by them.

Mia was, and remains to be so very special xx

emmieging Fri 20-Jul-12 11:38:11

I can only echo what others are saying. Mia is a very special girl, I know every child is special but she has reached so many people. It's simply heartbreaking that it has happened this way. What a time of mixed emotions for you. You will experience true happiness again, and mias sibling will bring you joy (plus no doubt the amusement and annoyance you mention earlier!) but your lives can also never be the same again. And I hope your feelings of about not being able to face the cold legal paperwork side of things will disappear.. You aren't being at all selfish. You and your dh seem like an incredible team, and I'm sure while your dh is facing the legal side, you are constantly supporting him in other ways too. Your love for eachother shines through as well as your love for Mia, and it's so clear that you will continue to be wonderful parents in the years to come.

I wish I could take away your pain, life is so deeply unfair, but you are facing what it has dealt you without letting bitterness overcome love, and I believe that capacity to love is what life is all about .

flubba Fri 20-Jul-12 12:48:12

I won't be around for a few weeks Mia's Mummy but know that you will be in my thoughts.

jmf294 Fri 20-Jul-12 14:00:50

Love and light to you dear Mia's mummy.
I keep you all in my thoughts especially your precious Mia and her little sibling.

I wish I could do something to ease your pain, to change the past. I know I can't but I'll just keep offering prayers for you.

I hope your work in the Olympics goes well- I'll think of you and remember your little flame haired darling when I see the flame of the Olympic burning.

There is no bitterness. Grief and pain and disbelief, that Mia's little life has been cut so short. And certainly, a sense of injustice. There is overwhelming, mind-boggling love though. Always.

Thank you for your kind words, tami, emmieging, flubba, and jmf. They were much needed. I have had a very bad day or so, without any particular reason why. Well, of course, there is a reason. I miss my lovely, noisy, sweet girl so very much.

It is weird, when things go wrong now, I don't have the resources to deal with them as I had done so previously, to discard them or simply keep going. More often than not, I find myself crying or worrying, thinking the very foolish thought that It wouldn't upset me if Mia were here. Patently untrue, I know.

Life would not be perfect. Yet it would be a million times better too. Just to see her smile.

Umnitsa Sat 21-Jul-12 23:59:00

I am so sorry yesterday was difficult for you, Mia's Mummy. There is nothing foolish in thinking that with Mia around you would find it easier to deal with unpleasant stuff, of course you would. When our loved ones go it is as if we lose our emotional immunity, everything just gets to us.

Hope today has been better for you.

A year ago... enjoying fun times with Mia's cousins in the sunshine. Mia stood unassisted for the first time, a fact which we laughed about, mainly because she was concentrating so hard on eating a piece of melon and forgot to hold onto anything. Our little flame so loved her food!!

Nine months ago... everything changed.

GRW Mon 23-Jul-12 22:47:11

Your memories of Mia are so vivid, and you describe them in a way that enables me to have a picture of her in my mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this. As others have said, the love you have for Mia will never change, and she will always be with you and her little brother or sister x

A lovely friend who never forgets today or the 15th... she has just texted to say that she and her daughter have done a noisy rendition of "Wheels on the Bus" in celebration of Mia. She loved her musical Wheels on the Bus book, happily pressing the button and bouncing up and down when she heard the tinkling music while I sang along.

Such a smile, so much love in her eyes, such joy in life!! We love you forever, my beautiful girl. xx

The other day, I was at an unusual event where the audience had the opportunity to meet with experts in all kinds different fields, and we were allocated randomly to go off and have 'micro-conversations' with them. Two of them really made me think...

One of my conversations was with an expert in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and her explanation of how neurological paths, and behaviour, are formed. One way is through repetition; the other, through a traumatic event. Our conversation was limited by time, so I never learnt how my behaviour could be modified or identified in these ways, I wondered how Mia's death has affected me in ways I don't even notice or understand now...

My other expert was a social technologist, a freelance photo-journalist turned social commentator who regularly blogs and twitters about life, and has found a totally new audience of interested parties, which has changed his world view. I quietly volunteered that I also regularly write on a social network, and explained about Mia, the support I receive, and our hopes for Mia's Wood - and how it has changed me. His reaction totally surprised me, as he was very impressed when I mention I wrote on MN, and encouraged me to keep going...

I can't ever say that I like how my life has changed. But it has. I just have to accept it. Even if I feel like blocking out the most intense emotions sometimes and just live inside my head with Mia, bouncing with joy, cuddling me, loving me. But she deserves to be shared, to be loved, by so many people.

emmieging Wed 25-Jul-12 18:18:23

Miasmummy- she really is, she truly is touching so many lives and the ripples from that must extend in ways you won't ever know about or be able to measure. So many good, loving thoughts and feelings touching so many lives among so many people. I know it's not a change you ever imagined or wanted in your life- but what a remarkable testament to Mia.

pookiecat Wed 25-Jul-12 20:49:23

As always your writings are full of love for your gorgeous girl , stay strong, all your thoughts and feelings that you have are normal. Carry on writing, you are stronger than you think. Though Iam not around as much Mia and your family are always in my thoughts. xxxx

Mia was developing such a lovely sense of humour. I have a vivid memory of her, picking up one of her plastic 'pots of happiness' which still had some sort of mashed vegetable inside, and putting it over her face, hooting into it with such glee, and then peeping over the top, as if to say "Aren't I funny?", and then laughing at herself. Of course, we had to laugh too, which made her eyes sparkle.

Oh darling. I miss you so.

jmf294 Fri 27-Jul-12 19:41:34

Oh Mia's mummy- if Mia could choose she'd be right there with you too.
I truly believe that in Mia's heaven you are all there with her right now.

You lo

jmf294 Fri 27-Jul-12 19:43:20

Was trying to finish by saying:

You look after yourself as you do your Olympic work.
Thoughts and love to you

Tamdin Fri 27-Jul-12 21:55:39

Watching the opening ceremony and thinking of you and Mia. YOUR bright spark will be watching over you with love x

expatinscotland Fri 27-Jul-12 23:31:42

Thinking of you, MAM. Three weeks tomorrow, Aillidh died.

So bereft. I sleep in her bed next to her sister every night.

jmf294 Sat 28-Jul-12 01:29:25

Thought of you and said a prayer for your beautiful girl as the flame was lit tonight.

Thank you jmf and expat. It was hard seeing all those photos of loved ones who had died, but yes, my little flame was in my eyes and heart with that beautiful cauldron.

And tamdin, sorry!

GranddadofMiaAlexandra Sat 28-Jul-12 09:32:47

Expat. I have not seen an earlier entry. Did I miss one?
Mia'sMummy and her husband are still missing Mia terribly, as are we. We wish you strength and love for a long time into the future.
We have been surprised how many people have had a similar experience, but can still support others, to the benefit of both.

iloveACK Sat 28-Jul-12 14:32:23

I've read your thread over the past couple of days & although don't feel I can say it eloquently enough, I just wanted to express my deep sorrow for Mia's passing.

Reading it has really brought her to life - she sounds amazing & beautiful. All the very best with your pregnancy. You & your DH & family are in my thoughts. Wishing you peace.

I just wonder. I have seen so many children of Mia's age today at the Olympic rowing. I can imagine Mia walking across next to me, holding my hand tightly, looking and pointing at the world around her... walking between DH and I, a thread of happiness, as we swing her up in the air and she chants "more, more!" It hurts, knowing she is missing out on those normal childhood experiences.

However, I do like to think that we are doing this with Mia, in her little bit of heaven, just like you say, jmf.

A lovely day yesterday, with unexpected difficult moments as we celebrated the marriage of friends, the parents of a little friend of Mia. The whole day was filled with sincere, heartfelt love and happiness, but I still had a few tears - during a hymn asking not to need to be consoled, at the toast for absent loved ones, and simply watching Mia's three little friends.

They had a wonderful day : busily slotting stones into a drain grill during the photo session; running, running, running non-stop as only toddlers can ; stopping for a brief second to be entranced by the beautiful bride; their enjoyment in learning to dance ; and finally, sleepily cuddling into their daddy's shoulders...

Hardest of all was watching DH with the children. He ran after them, he danced with them, he made them giggle. He loved every second, yet admitted that the fun he had was nothing in comparison to the time he shared with Mia. It broke my heart just a little more, all over again.

The last couple of days, being surrounded by lots of people, has made me realise that I am still shutting myself away somewhat from real life. I have had to explain to various people about Mia, and see so many children just - well - being children.

Mia, my beautiful girl. I see you running around with your friends, curls flying, a wide smile and noisy giggles as we chase you. Why, oh why?

jmf294 Tue 31-Jul-12 22:20:10

What a bittersweet day for you yesterday.
Of course it's only natural to be shutting yourself away from life, your loss so fresh, so great that you are naturally doing what you need to do to protect yourself.

I had the most lovely dream about you the other night and I thought I would share it with you.
We met in a friends house and your unborn baby was with you.
Your new baby was now a beautiful little toddler running around giggling and laughing with strawberry blond hair.
You were talking about Mia and how she is so loved and missed.
I remember watching you and being so happy to see you filled with love and happiness as you played with your little child.

A glimpse into the future- I believe so and say a special prayer for you all xx

What a lovely dream, jmf, thank you for sharing it. Such a wonderful vision for the future. My own are much more disturbed and unsettled at the moment, so I will happily share yours.

After writing that I rarely dream about Mia, I woke this morning with images of her in my mind. Intensely vivid. We were all in a waiting room, and she was standing on a chair, turning around to look at me, with such a beautiful smile on her face. The sunlight was on her, and her glorious curls glowed. She glowed. I knew that we had been given some extra time with her, but that these moments were finite, yet I was filled with such joy and love seeing my beautiful girl once more that I could only feel utter happiness.

Maybe I glimpsed heaven...

Yet I do know she is with us. We still receive little signs from her. As we drove to the wedding on Monday, the song on the radio was "You are amazing", a version of which we chose for the celebration of her life. And at the wedding itself, it was the last song we heard as we left the venue.

Yes, Mia stays close to her mummy and daddy. She knows we need her. And she has an important job, to look out for her little sibling too, being a wonderful big sister, showing us her love.

Sweet girl. Noisy girl. Cheeky girl. 400 hundred days of magic, and millions of amazing moments.

OlympicDancingDiva Fri 03-Aug-12 11:43:04

I haven't posted for a while, Miasmummy, but I still think of you often x

dubaipieeye Fri 03-Aug-12 14:01:23

Same here, Miasmummy, you are regularly in my thoughts. Sending love to your bump x

Mia, your daddy has been awake for the last two hours, thinking about you and how the hospital is refusing to accept any changes or amendments to their investigation reports, even though we have clearly pointed out where there are inaccuracies. And these reports now also become 'fact' for the expert witnesses. The system is plain wrong. They are supposed to be open to consultation and strive for better performance and improvements. Ha. He is angry, despairing and exhausted - but keeps on fighting for you, darling girl. I just hope the coroner can see through all this bureaucratic treacle and ascertain the truth for you.

He is so sad. He misses you so, Little Squeak. Every second of every day. Xx

jmf294 Sat 04-Aug-12 10:46:41

I'm so sorry that you are having to fight so hard with the hospital.
It could be that only taking things to court to establish liability and blame will move things forward and get the hospital to respond appropriately.
Then your chosen experts could have their reports presented which sounds like they will be at odds with the hospital.
The coroner will be establishing facts to causation and not looking at liability and this could be why the hospital is acting as they are.

I'm just so sorry- its so desperately unfair and not what any Daddy should have to do for their darling daughter.
Thoughts and prayers.
Love and light xx

Mia, as I spend this time volunteering at the Olympics, no-one knows who I am, nor do they know you. They definitely don't know how beautiful you are, and how you have changed our works forever. Everyone is focussed on something bigger than themselves. Yet I will wave my Mia flag of love, with greater fervour than any nationalistic pride. You are the best, always the best. My golden girl, the champion of my heart.

Saturday held some challenges, simply because they were unexpected. Surely I have been through the hardest moments already?

At the Olympic beach volleyball, seated in front of us, was a couple with a brand new baby girl. We chatted, but when they said their baby was half-British, just like Mia and my bump, I couldn't reply - I didn't feel I could go into an explanation... there were no words adequate.

Then in the afternoon, DH and I enjoyed a London lifestyle once more, visiting the Tate Modern and Borough Market. As we sat eating Spanish food, three songs in a row which DH used to sing to Mia came on. Neither of us spoke, but just looked at each other with tears in our eyes. That was hard. It brought home our enforced coupledom so strongly.

That evening, we went to a wedding reception of a friend. We had shared wonderfully happy weekend in July last year with her last year, where we met a lovely group of her other friends, people who all fell in love with Mia, especially two pregnant women. As we entered, I realised this was a new first - facing a group of people whom really we only know slightly, since Mia died. While they had all written to us, and donated to Mia's Wood, they hadn't been part of our lives for the past nine months. Even harder, the pregnant women now had their own children in their lives, and we didn't have our gorgeous girl.

I was so very apprehensive, especially when they congratulated me on the pregnancy, but when I talked about Mia, and how her death has made us take this pregnancy each day at a time, they were lovely. So warm, and understanding. I felt very privileged to be on the receiving end of such generosity.

But I hope that another day like that doesn't happen again too soon.

I am living in a suspended reality, as my days are consumed by my Olympic work. Yet, walking across the bridge to the station, surrounded by happy people, and the smiling faces on the advertising hoardings, it suddenly hurt and tears were in my eyes.

We will never know if Mia could have been an Olympian. If she had the talent. The chances are that she wouldn't, but she doesn't even have the opportunity to see what might be possible. That makes me so sad.

GRW Wed 08-Aug-12 22:49:33

I'm sorry it's so hard for you to think about the future that was denied to Mia and to you her parents, and to wonder what she would have achieved in her life. I can appreciate your sadness that you will never know what would have been x

My DH continues to be amazing. He tells me every night how much he loves me, and that he wouldn't be able to go on without me. Yet he is the one who is trawling through all the medical documents we have about Mia, ordering them and cataloguing them for our expert witness, working late in the evening to do so. Most of the time he is fine, but occasionally, he cries. He admitted that last night. He had come home, and gone outside, and discovered that the tarpaulin which covers Mia's sandpit was torn, weakened by the continuing rainpuddles which gathered there over these past months.

We chose that sandpit with such excitement for her birthday, and he was so happy putting it together for her. And Mia loved playing in it, even through she only had such a short time to do so. It gave them both so much pleasure.

Just something else which is ruined...

Tamdin Fri 10-Aug-12 13:15:06

Still reading. Still listening. The strength, support and love you have for each other is touching. Mia has two wonderful parents. X

Just seen a Mia cloud kiss over the Olympic Village. Much needed. The last few days have been tough.

Shine bright, star of my heart. Shine, ad you are meant to do. Burn bright, my little flame. I wish my love did not hurt so much.

everlong Mon 13-Aug-12 07:44:19

Thought of you last night whilst watching the end of the Olympics and when take that sang.... very emotional.

Well done for getting through your volunteering. X

Thank you everlong, yes, some of the songs were hard to hear.

Last night we sat upstairs watching the closing ceremony, and I was sitting on the floor against the sofa. I suddenly had the image and the physical sensation of Mia crawling onto my legs and into my arms, clambering all over me, just as she used to do, using me as a trusted method to reaching the sofa while gaining a cuddle at the same time. The feeling was so very strong. I could then almost see her asleep in the corner of the sofa, as she would sometimes do, tired out from her exertions, but wanting to be part of all the excitement, spread-eagled and with those long eyelashes on her cheeks.

I really can't believe that this is my life. Loving a daughter so much, a little girl who is no longer here. No new moments to cherish.

pookiecat Mon 13-Aug-12 12:17:46

Please believe me Mia is with you, in every heart beat and every breath. I thought of Mia yesterday and how she loved to play outside, stay strong xxxxxxx

Onceortwice Mon 13-Aug-12 12:26:27

I'm here and listening too. Have listened to your story since your first post.

YOur gorgeous, vibrant DD is still with you. Of that I am sure.

xxx

My dreams don't even allow me a little self indulgence, not an iota of escapism...

I dreamt that I had finished my volunteering, and asked an old friend where Mia was. She pointed, and Mia was sitting at a table, concentrating hard on being baby-busy, as she would do. I called her "baby girl, baby girl...Mia, mummy's here" she looked up and that beautiful smile I know so well appeared on her face, and she reached up her arms. I picked Mia up, cherishing the weight of her body, feeling the softness of her red curls and soft skin against my face... And then woke up.

So brief. So painfully symbolic.

Can't I have a few more moments with her in my dreams? Surely I don't have to face the truth there too?

Mia darling, it was your daddy who said this morning that you would be 23 months old today. I wish we could be planning your birthday party. He would give up every birthday forever for you. We both would. Love you, our beautiful girl.

Love you, love you, love you.

Onceortwice Wed 15-Aug-12 11:09:32

sad do you have any plans for her birthday?

No plans yet. I have been avoiding thinking about them, because I know that Mia's birthday will herald the start of five weeks that I am thinking of a big, black nightmare, a black hole in the calendar that we have to enter. She died on October 23rd, and in between her birthday and the anniversary of her death, we have her inquest.

So now the Olympics are over, I guess I have a month to somehow, some way, prepare myself for more anguish. I don't know how...

I just want Mia back.

janey68 Wed 15-Aug-12 20:59:53

I am so sorry you are having to face this. I hope you feel Mia especially close beside you over the coming weeks. May she fill your thoughts and dreams with light and love. These next few weeks may be a particularly difficult and rocky path on your journey, but you have got this far and you will get through, hopefully to a smoother and gentler path following after.

Onceortwice Wed 15-Aug-12 21:59:17

Dear miasmummy,
Please don't let her birthday be the count down to her death. Just enjoy her her birthday for what it is.
I have sort of been through this, and the two dates are just sidifferent.
Don't be afraid of death anymore, if Mia is buried, take a picnic and spend the day with her. Otherwise spend the day somewhere you feel closest to her, perhaps light a candle or plant a tree xx
Don't try to hide your sadness. Your sadness shows how good it was when Mia was with you xxx

Onceortwice Wed 15-Aug-12 22:02:27

Sorry, that sounds wrong. Whati mean is don't feel bad if you feel sad. Or emotional. It's natural. And not something you should feel bad about x

zookeeper Wed 15-Aug-12 22:57:06

I don't know how you will do it Miasmummy, but I hope you know you won't do it alone. Take the kindess of strangers and weave it into your shawl of love to protect , warm and comfort you through the dark days ahead.

Talking about my fears helps, even if I cry when I do. Thank you for being here, being part of my shawl of love.

We went to a local bereaved parents' evening last night, and DH commented upon leaving that he found it useful. Very glad about that. Such conversation topics we shared though - people wanting to have fingerprints of their children taken at the hospital, the frustrations of keeping burial plots neat and tidy, the helplessness felt in the face of the giant justice system... yet these topics were still discussed with smiles and with some jokes thrown in, broken by moments of sad reflection. Such morbid topics, but they allow us to demonstrate the intensity love we have for our children, and the ferocity with which we strive to keep their memories alive.

onedev Fri 17-Aug-12 18:45:35

Mia would be so proud of how you & her dad have been keeping her memory alive.

janey68 Fri 17-Aug-12 19:53:47

I haven't experienced it myself, but I know people in your situation describe it as being like joining a club, not one that you ever signed up for or wished to join, but something unique which sets you apart and which only people in your situation can fully understand. So I am glad that you and your DH found some comfort and that sense of belonging at the group.

I remember when we had dc1, and that too felt a little like joining some sort of club, it's like a well-kept secret isn't it, that intensity of love which you feel for your child. You try to imagine what it will be like, but its only when you become a parent that you look at your child and know that it's love unlike any other you've experienced.

Mia is still with you in your hearts and minds, she will be with you for the rest of your days. I know that doesn't diminish your pain because you want to hear her and see her and touch her. But my belief is that the real spirit of a person lives on. She is living on in you - I think we can all feel it in your words.

eightytwenty Fri 17-Aug-12 22:56:23

Mias. In tears reading your latest posts. What a lot to deal with in the next few months.

Wishing you strength to get through it. Hoping you can rest a little, you will need to take care of your health for you and the baby.

xxx

Yesterday was lovely. I felt close to Mia all day, and as DH and I were having a lovely luxurious day in London, it took me a while to figure out why. It was prompted by several factors.

The first was a lunch we had with the expert who is helping us with Mia's inquest. She is so adamant, so sure, of what should have been done, and the possibilities of making real change, that I felt encouraged, despite the other feelings that somehow, Mia can be brought back to us. It was so nice to have an independent person 'on our side'.

The second factor was it looks as though DH and I are soon going to be able to buy a piece of land within walking distance of our home to make Mia's Wood a reality. We spent a lot of the afternoon talking about what we wanted to do, and how we wanted to make it a magical experience of nature for all those who visit it.

The final factor was very simple. I enjoyed myself. I associate such feelings with Mia.

Love you, special smiley girl.

jmf294 Sun 19-Aug-12 11:52:39

Mia's mummy- I'm glad you felt close to Mia yesterday and it sounds wonderful that your expert is so certain and positive.

I just wanted to send your some thoughts about the time ahead you face.
Mia's birthday and her inquest are going to be hard to endure of course.
But you have already been through the worst thing imaginable with the loss of Mia. You face with loss with such bravery and still manage to fill your life with love and light.
You will be able to have the truth revealed for Mia and honour her birthday with your love because you are brave, loving and a truly inspirational person.
So many people here will be thinking of you all on the days and I hope knowing that we walk alongside you (at least virtually) can provide you some support.
Remember just keep taking the small steps, on your journey ahead especially when the path is hard to follow and your darling girl is right there with you all the way.

everlong Sun 19-Aug-12 16:13:23

I'm soooo glad to hear of your lovely day, yesterday. You both deserve it.

It is wonderful when we can feel them near us. ((( hugs )))

Thank you all for your kind support. It is feeling a little better now I am vocalising my fears, although I still don't have any good coping mechanisms figured out. Some people are trying to tell me that I have to get through that 5 weeks so I can think about the new baby in December, but that doesn't sit very comfortably with me. Of course time will keep moving, regardless of how I feel. I know that only too well.

It's just that Mia and her little sibling are different people. I owe each of the them the honour of marking them separately. I have to feel every part of Mia's birthday, inquest and death regardless of what is happening afterwards - I can't shut it off or ignore them. Equally, I also am enjoying every kick I feel of the new life within - yes, a reminder of my pregnancy with Mia, but also, just as importantly, as part of new hope in my life, a new little person to love.

This week, I am having a massive clean-up and clear-out, finding lots of DIY projects which need to be done. I think it is partly a way to gain some level of control in my life, partly as a response to being away for the last four weeks, and perhaps partly that some early nesting instinct is kicking in.

But it was hard yesterday when I was cleaning Mia's photos, when I should be wiping clean her face, hands and hair(!) from her beloved raspberries, squash and porridge, just as I was doing a year ago...

jmf294 Tue 21-Aug-12 13:04:47

Big virtual hugs to you and the thoughts of your cleaning the pictures of your darling girl.

Would it help to reframe the 5 weeks into the seperate discrete events rather than the big length of time. Seperating them may help to make you feel that you can ride each tide of sadness instead of feeling that the huge big tide of 5 weeks which I imagine may seem insurmountable.

Mia's birthday although of course so sad will be filled with the memories of that joyful day 2 years ago and the love she brought to you both that day.
Her inquest a day to stand brave and hope the truth is uncovered and positive changes will be made in her name.
And her anniversary a day that so sadly changed your life forever but to be marked with great love and honour as its the day that Mia's spirit flew straight to heaven.

I don't for 1 minute think that everyday day isn't hard and sad for you all but I was just thinking that if they can be seperated out in your mind it may make it a little easier to bear.
Please excuse me if this isn't in the slightest bit helpful but just a thought I had.

I miss our little girl so much. DH's first words this morning. My first thoughts every day. It's just impossible.

jmf that is a good way to think. It will be a month between Mia's birthday and the start of her inquest. We are actually planning a week's break during this time, and while we thought we wanted to escape to the sun, I am simply not confident of going somewhere with different medical systems, just in case... not that I am 100% confident of this one anyway. But I have suggested to DH that we could do a stay cation at home, and clear through the pile of DIY projects, and go out for meals in the evening.

Feeling good today. Just returned from a meeting with the lawyers about purchasing a nearby piece of land for Mia's Wood. They are confident that the deal can be done in time for Mia's birthday.

Funny little memories are popping into my head at the moment. Just little actions and events - Mia 'helping' me bake cakes sitting on my hip, touching everything ; her excitement in touching the overhead lamp ; watching her attempt to brush her hair with the back of the brush ; crawling over to her little shelf in the kitchen, watching her examine a new toy I had added there...

So many beautiful memories. I know that some bereaved parents have none. I can't say that I am 'lucky', but I have a head filled with cuddles and smiles and love, and for that, I feel so very grateful.

We miss you every day, my darling girl. Every day. We are so proud to be your parents.

You were asleep in my arms last night, as we travelled together on some unknown journey. I loved looking at your peaceful sleeping face. I just wish our travels stayed on the same path. I don't understand.

pookiecat Mon 27-Aug-12 18:49:59

Love as always, Mia and you and your family are always in my thoughts and prays xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have no ideas on how to mark Mia's birthday. A cake doesn't feel right, and I don't think I could sing Happy Birthday. People are asking me how would I like them to remember her on that day, and I simply don't know. Perhaps I will just ask them to do what feels right to them.

We are thinking that perhaps we will go to the piece of land we are buying for Mia's Wood and do some initial work there, maybe plant the first trees.

We had two families over for a meal yesterday, friends through our baby links. It is wonderful to see Ben and Tilly run around, exploring the garden, playing in Mia's sandpit, gabbling and giggling away and concentrating on their toys. Their parents have been amazingly supportive and generous to us over the past terrible months, even when it must have been hard sometimes. One set of parents texted afterwards, apologising for the mess and the noise - but how could we say that we would give anything in the world to have our own messy, noisy red-head with us, contributing to the chaos?

eightytwenty Mon 27-Aug-12 21:51:34

Oh Mia's what a lot you have to think about. Please try to take care of yourself.

I've always found anniversaries easier to bear while in nature. Not easy. But a beautiful sky, a rainbow, a seal in a harbour have all been life affirming moments. We're coming up to the 10th anniversary of my dad's death. I can't believe it's been so long.

Thinking of you often.

everlong Tue 28-Aug-12 14:43:21

This is my experience miasmummy regarding Olivers birthday, hope you don't mind me telling you.

As hard as it always is because he isn't here I try and think back to his birth and how wonderful it was, then I remember how wonderful he was. I try and not let the sadness cloud me.

The date of his death is very different. Full of sadness.

But his birthday is a day of beautiful memories.

I know it's so hard for you, I know that.

Lots of love xxx

everlong thank you, thank you for sharing. It means a lot, my lovely friend.

You are right, I know that is how I should feel, especially because Mia beat enormous odds to survive, despite the circumstances of her birth. I gave birth to a little red-headed girl!! All the while I had been preparing mentally for a little boy, but my secret unspoken dreams came true when I met my beautiful girl for the first time. She was everything I had ever dreamed of.

It is so hard. At the same time, how lucky we were in Mia's birth makes me even more aware of the odds of the terrible chain of events which led to her death...

everlong Tue 28-Aug-12 18:48:06

You are so brave and so dignified.

I'm sure however and whatever you do for Mia's birthday you and your DH will honour such a special, beautiful little girl.

Just had a knock on the door from two Christians - not sure what type - who wanted to discuss whether or not I believed in miracles. I politely declined their offer, but all I could really think about was the miracle that I want, which I know is impossible, is to have Mia back with us, safe and sound, growing and chatting and learning. Simply not a conversation I really wanted to delve into with two unknown people.

I cling to the idea that one day, I will see her again. No fear of death now.

everlong Thu 30-Aug-12 08:21:04

I think the thought of seeing our children again is something we hold close in our heart and soul. They are part of us and we are part if them.

I truly believe that when my time here is done I'll be with ds.

Sunday is the christening of the little girl whose brother was born around the same time as Mia. Their mother is such a lovely friend. She has rung to let me know that to keep the children amused afterwards, she has organised a Songs and Rhymes session. It is with the same lady where Mia would joyfully shake her bells, beam at the other bigger children, and bounce on my knees with sheer pleasure of the whole experience. And my friend has said that if we find it too hard, just simply to leave. I hope we won't, but it will be very challenging if the children sing Wheels on the Bus. Mia had a musical songbook of this, and loved pushing the button to make the music start. I would sing, and she would bounce! We also had this song at the celebration of her life, where everyone, adults and children alike, shook shaky eggs and rattled bells and sang with so much love for our little girl.

Tomorrow DH and his friends are doing a 90-mile bike ride, just 'because.' I am going along as back-up support in the car. I have to admit, I really don't like the thought of the trip very much, even though they are all sensible and have generally chosen quiet roads. When I was 17, I saw a friend die after being hit by a car as we did a bike expedition in the summer break. Life is so tenuous, and I don't think I could stand it if DH or any of his friends were hurt. It's just so hard to be sanguine and carefree now...

pookiecat Fri 31-Aug-12 19:41:25

Iam sending to you love, light and peace vibes, stay strong , carry on with your thoughts and feelings , Mia is always there with you.xxxxxx

janey68 Sun 02-Sep-12 17:37:52

I hope your dh is resting up after his 90 mile ride. I am very impressed I must say! I'm sure your back up support was much appreciated too.
Mia has been more and more in my thoughts with the month turning to September and the evenings beginning to draw in. Autumn has always been my favourite season. It must be a bittersweet one now for you. But i know when the leaves start to turn red there will be so many people thinking of your little red haired smiley girl.
Wishing you strength and calm in the approach to mia's second birthday

It has been a busy weekend. DH completed his bike ride safely, cheerfully even. I tootled around the back roads, and thankfully was not required for anything more than extra liquids.

Today was the christening, which was fine, in the end. It was sometimes hard to say all the ritualised words of prayer without tears. Yet it all seems so separate from Mia, our love for her, and the grief and pain we suffer daily. Not sure that church and religion should be so removed from everyday life if it is to have meaning. I gain greater solace from nature, I think.

The children did sing Wheels on the Bus this afternoon. We didn't avoid it, but watched the pleasure on the little faces before us. We especially smiled at Mia's friend Evie, who opened her arms wide so expressively which she sang "all day long..." at full voice.

Beautiful girl. We are lucky with our friends.

jmf294 Sun 02-Sep-12 22:11:04

I too have held you in my thoughts with the arrival of September and Mia's approaching birthday.
I glad the bike ride passed without incident. The christening sounded beautiful, how poignant the children singing.
You are blessed with special friends but they are so deeply blessed to have you in their lives. We have not met but yet the love, wisdom and courage you show here encourages me to be a better person and Mum- I mean that most sincerely as I think you are the most fantastic aspiring mother and person.

I was thinking of Mia visiting you in your dreams. We only remember the dream we have in the minutes before we wake and the other 4-6 dreams we have each night are kept in our unconscious. I'm sure as your heart and mind are filled with Mia that she is with you every night in those other precious dreams that you can't recall as you wake but she's there.

I hope the plans for Mia's wood go ahead and please it would be an honour to donate to her wood in a loving celebration of her birthday.

Love and light.

Asmywhimsytakesme Sun 02-Sep-12 22:31:52

Glad to hear the bike ride went well.

I an thinking of you often as I know very many MNetters are.

xx

everlong Mon 03-Sep-12 17:44:05

Oh little Evie singing wheels on the bus, that's so sad and gorgeous all at once.

Your friends sound lovely, bet they are so proud of you. Well done for getting through it.

Chez12 Mon 03-Sep-12 23:46:47

Mia's mum I just read your story' how awful you had to go through an inquest too... I'm sorry to ask u this and understand if u can't or don't want to answer but what was wrong with Mia and what hospital. She sounds like a little bundle of joy like Tayden was to me. He was my love story so I can totally relate to what u r saying...
I went to see a medium called Mary Smith, she was so amazing she even told me about thoughts I'd had in the hospital that no one else knew... She told me what I'd said to my son the day he died and again no one else knew this but me. I'm normally sceptical about these things, but I'd anyone does believe in it, don't waste your time with any other medium most of them are frauds...

Thinking of u and ur family x

monstertufts Tue 04-Sep-12 19:50:35

Just popping in to say that, although I'm a rare visitor to MN, I think of you and Mia a lot. XX

It's lovely to know that that Mia is still in people's thoughts other than my own -*chez, monster, asmywhim, everlong, janey, jmf and pookie*.

I am feeling a little better about the approach to her birthday, as it seems that we should be on track to own the land for Mia's Wood by then. I am thinking of inviting our friends to come along for a clear-up, picnic and perhaps even a symbolic tree-planting. I can't say it will be easy, but I do need to mark the day in some meaningful way, although doubtless there will be tears.

DH is finding inspirational nature installations on the internet, as he is very keen to make Mia's Wood an exciting and beautiful place for children to explore and enjoy, so we can carefully plan the growth of Mia's Wood over time.

jmf what a beautiful gesture, thank you. That would be wonderful. I have been thinking how this might work best, and have started a conversation with a local garden centre which specialises in trees, to discuss what species would be appropriate for a local woodland area, and which would give beautiful vibrant autumn colours. If people wanted to buy a tree, I thought perhaps that I could give you all the link and the tree selection, and you could buy directly from there, and then I would arrange to go and pick them up and plant them. The only thing is, I learnt today that most tree-planting works best from bare-root stock, which won't begin until mid-November. Does that sound like a reasonable plan?

I received a text yesterday from my friends from the christening. I had included Mia in my inscriptions on the presents for the two children, my god-daughter and Mia's little friend Ben, as it just seemed right. My friend wrote "We both cried when we read what you wrote. We miss Mia." I'm very grateful that they understood the sentiment, and simply accepted it.

jmf294 Wed 05-Sep-12 20:11:39

That plan for letting us know about the trees sounds good.
Will you let us know when you want to collect the trees so I can buy on time.
I'm looking forward to hearing of the developments in the wood.
Please take things easy and not too much heavy digging for you.

Thinking of darling Mia and you all xx

Great, I will keep on the conversation about trees with the nursery then. That is just so lovely of you.

Today I was speaking to my friend, the mother of the little boy who thinks Mia has become a star. We are surprised that he still talks about her so much. At two and a half, he is now asking questions about how Mia reached the star - did she use a ladder, did she fly there on an aeroplane?- it is all very intriguing for him.

Then out of the blue, this little boy announced "Mia has a little brother now". I wonder if he is right?

janey68 Wed 05-Sep-12 22:47:40

'out of the mouths of babes.....' Little children are just so direct and candid; this little lad sounds so sweet.
Take care of yourselves- all of you, there is a lucky baby waiting to be born to you two lovely parents, and he (or she) has a very special big sister.

Yes, this little boy is a very special friend. He always wants to sit on our knees and have hugs with us both. DH adores him. And he loves flicking through my iPhone to watch videos of Mia, and chat about what she is doing.

I had such a symbolic dream last night. I was dressed in business clothes, looking very professional, travelling overseas on a flight somewhere. However, in the smart leather luggage I was carrying, all I had were Mia's clothes. No-one would know about them except me.

I wonder how many others carry similar baggage that the rest of the world never sees? More than we would ever suppose, I imagine.

Molehillmountain Thu 06-Sep-12 15:02:38

Hi Mia's mummy. I hope it's okay to post here. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people who think about you and think Mia is gorgeous. Our family lost my brother at the same age as Mia who died very unexpectedly too and I have a red headed daughter about Mia's age. Your posts give me some kind of insight into my mother's world-thirty odd years ago bereavement wasn't really talked about and so we haven't got the habit of talking about him. All I know is that my son looks very like him. Please know that I will be thinking of you as you come up to Mia's birthday and inquest.

pookiecat Sat 08-Sep-12 20:56:10

How wonderful that little boy talks about Mia, if I were you I would listen very carefully to him; many children just know things ! May you find an inner peace and a deep strength to get through these next few weeks. Mia is always with you , of that Iam sure, love and light to you and yours xxxxxxx

jmf294 Sat 08-Sep-12 22:39:28

When I read your post about your dream- my thought was your dream was about your final journey to once again meet Mia and be with her for eternal time...
Thinking of you all xx

We watched a movie the other night, and in one scene, a beautiful chubby baby was having a bath. DH quietly began to cry. He remembers so well holding Mia, touching her rounded belly after a bath, and how she clung to him, peaceful and sure in his arms, as they had a shower together that terrible day. All before we knew anything was wrong.

molehill of course it's ok to post here. I'm sure your mother has never forgotten. And the pain will still be there too. But also, so much love in her heart.

pookie you are right, I am quite convinced that children see more than we do. There have been too many incidents like this with children since Mia died. They don't have the concept of life and death as we do.

jmf I hadn't thought of that interpretation of my dream.

Mia entered my dreams the other night too - she was older, perhaps the age she should be now. As she had eaten some food, I asked her if she liked it. She made me laugh with her response "burpy", meaning it had made her burp!! Perhaps dreams are momentary glimpses of that other parallel universe where we are all living happily together. I'd like to think do.

topknob Sun 09-Sep-12 21:35:35

I am so so sorry to read this sad XX

everlong Sun 09-Sep-12 21:36:45

I love how Mia visits you in your dreams. Truly wonderful.

I think Mia maybe visited me again last night, everlong.

It was a very odd experience. Yes, I think it could be easily explained away, but at the same time, I wonder... I woke in the middle of the night because my touch-sensitive bedside light was on. Thinking I had fallen asleep with it on, I turned it off. However, this kept on happening throughout the night. Finally, the thought came into my half-asleep brain that perhaps it was Mia wanting me to look at her photo on the bedside table, and so I left it on, and spent some time looking at my beautiful girl. This morning, I told DH about it all, and he looked over and said practically "Well, the photo frame is touching the light base." Yes, that makes sense - until I realised that normally, there is a book which also touches the light base, which doesn't cause the light to turn on.

My emotional, non-logical side of me wants to think it is Mia helping me prepare for her birthday on Saturday, telling me that she is also sending us light and love...

My clever, amazing, loving daughter. Always so proud.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange Mon 10-Sep-12 21:40:25

Wow that's just made me smile and feel a bit nervous!

I've got these weird lights in my wardrobe that come on when you open them, the doors are glass. Sometimes during the night they will come on, nobody is near them, we are both in bed, quiet.

A few weeks ago I said to Oliver if you're there put the light on and within about 5 mins it came on.

I know this sounds crazy and to anyone reading this it certainly looks it. But it certainly doesn't do any harm to think it.

smile

You are absolutely right, everlong, people might think we are mad, but there is no harm in thinking like this. It helps me. And who knows?

Yesterday, there were three quite separate but notable events. I don't want to compartmentalise my life, but sometimes, it is easier to do so.

Firstly, we have now signed the papers for Mia's Wood, after the legals got stuck over the right wording of a covenant about never developing the land... such a relief. So the plans for a picnic there with Mia's friends on Saturday can go ahead, and everyone whom we have invited are able to come along. Now that we can do something positive for Mia again, it makes the thought of the day more bearable, even if there will be tears.

I had a 28 week scan for the baby and a meeting with the consultant, both of which went well. While they normally don't offer photos after 20 weeks, the sonographer managed to capture baby in profile, and at that moment, I totally fell in love. Baby looks so sweet - little nose, rosebud lips and curved forehead - and I think baby looks a little like Mia too. The lovely consultant has mentioned bereavement counselling for us both, but don't really know what we / I would say, but now that the baby is moving, it is so much easier to imagine.

Finally, we went to a friend's birthday dinner, and met another lady who lost her daughter as a teenager. She was so kind and lovely and wise, and generous to us both. But all I could think - oh god, there are so many of us, too many of us...

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange Wed 12-Sep-12 14:10:57

<<big smiles from me>> that's so lovely about your scan. I can just imagine those little cheeks smile

So happy that Mia's wood is coming together, I am sure you will have a lovely day xx

Been ok all this week, keeping busy with painting the house, doing DIY, as well as two long hospital appointments, and Mia's Wood. It's all just hit me now...

The wonderful woman who conducted the celebration of Mia's life, who truly made it a beautiful event, just rang to acknowledge Mia's birthday tomorrow. She asked how we were both doing, and was overjoyed that I am pregnant again...

... A friend who hasn't been in touch for a while has emailed to say she is thinking of Mia tomorrow.

... The three nurses who run the bereaved parents' group have sent us a card too.

... My brother and his wife have sent us two dolls that her gift shop chain is stocking - which they are calling Mia Pink Hair and Cousin Brown Hair, and Mia's cousin has a pair which sleep in her bed. As my DB wrote in the accompanying card Having to remember someone you love, as opposed to enjoy them, is impossibly hard.

... DH has just called. Mia's Wood is now ours. We can now start to invest a tiny part of our dreams for her into making it a magical place. Yet so hard - it will never compare to our amazing, beautiful daughter.

All this love being sent to us is so overwhelming, mainly because it is unexpected. That is what has undone me. I know Mia is loved and remembered by many people, but these gestures out of the blue demonstrate a depth of kindness I could never have imagined.

I would do anything to be wrapping presents, organising food, and trying to persuade an over-excited little toddler to sleep so I could finish last minute birthday preparations.

It's so hard not to compare with last year's happiness. Or remember that frightening but ultimately wonderful day two years ago when Mia entered our world.

All gone. Forever. Nothing but a big hole in left. Nothing but love. My darling girl. Oh.

janey68 Fri 14-Sep-12 17:08:33

Your post has brought tears to my eyes.
Your little daughter has left behind her an oceanful of love. She has reached many people who never would have met her in life, and inspired them to strive to be better, more thoughtful, more caring people.

I know you would trade all of that to have her back with you. But it's not that she has left nothing behind, I truly believe the love and the spirit live on.

Wishing you sunshine for tomorrow. There will be tears, but I hope there will be smiles and laughter too as you remember your special girl. Mias wood will be a wonderful living testament to her.

dubaipieeye Fri 14-Sep-12 17:47:44

Miasmummy, I ll be thinking of you on Mia's birthday. Love, light and prayers for you, your DH and your family. Please let us know how to donate to Mia's wood when the time is right. Giant hugs xx

ledkr Fri 14-Sep-12 17:54:44

miasmummy I somehow missed that you are pregnant again,how lovely that you and dh are going to be able to love another little baby as much as you do Mia. I have never posted but always watched with sadness as my little redhead is the same age as your mia and I am always extra careful to give her extra cuddles when I think of you and your dh.
My brother was still born 32 yrs ago and I still think about him often.

eightytwenty Fri 14-Sep-12 21:05:57

Mia's. You, your Dh and the rest of your family will be very much in my thoughts tomorrow.

So sad.

Asmywhimsytakesme Fri 14-Sep-12 21:09:45

Thinking of you, Mia's Mummy, your DH, Mia herself of course and all her friends and family who will be so sad tomorrow.

Comedyworks Fri 14-Sep-12 21:39:42

So sorry to read of your loss and thinking of you on your daughters birthday. My son died at the age of two and a half just over five years ago. I remember that first awful birthday without him but have come to find that often its the lead up to these days that is worse. I have had six miscarriages since but, finally, had a daughter four months ago and just wanted to let you know that it has been such a wonderful positive thing - nothing replaces the loss but the new little life has brought such joy. A friend wrote in a card to us that they hoped our sons final gift to us was to leave us even closer as a family. As I sat with my husband and watched our six year old read to her little sister tonight I finally think he has done just that.
Happy birthday little Mia x

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange Sat 15-Sep-12 08:25:44

Remembering Mia today on her birthday, hoping you see that floaty kiss cloud in the sky. Sending you and your dear husband lots of love and strong hugs.

I really hope you have some dry weather for your picnic at Mia's wood too.

Lots of love xxxxxxx

buzzgirly Sat 15-Sep-12 08:40:17

I will be thinking of you, your husband and of course little Mia. Take care xx

Molehillmountain Sat 15-Sep-12 08:48:55

Happy birthday Mia! Thinking of you Mia's mummy.

Tamdin Sat 15-Sep-12 09:05:34

Thinking of you today on Mia's 2nd birthday. I hope you and your lovely Dh have a special day with your family and friend's at Mia's wood and you feel close to your baby girl. Love and best wishes x

jmf294 Sat 15-Sep-12 09:13:00

Sending much birthday love to your darling Mia.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today and I really hope you that through the pain and sadness you can celebrate the wonder that is Mia and the love and joy she brought on this day 2 years ago strengthen you.
Wrap your shawl of love tight around your shoulders Mia's mummy as you and your special girl are in the thoughts and prayers of so many xxx

RowgtfcGOLD72 Sat 15-Sep-12 09:44:35

Thinking of you all today x

janey68 Sat 15-Sep-12 09:50:02

Thinking of you today.

Dear Mias.
I've never posted on your thread because I can't begin to imagine how you feel. But I do lurk often, drawn by the beauty of your writing and by the eloquence and poignancy with which you chart your new and un imagined journey.
I just wanted to wish you the best possible day today, and to let you know that if you could be buoyed up by the thoughts and love of virtual strangers, you would be airborne today.
Thinking of you and your DH.
TMD XXX

QuickLookBusy Sat 15-Sep-12 14:09:04

Thinking of you and your DH today Mias, and of course your beautiful darling Mia.xx

All your love and thoughts today have brought tears to my eyes. I do feel truly airborne, wrapped in a shawl of love created by so many.

It has been a beautiful day, full of sunshine, blue skies, laughter and love. We have been surrounded by friends, buoyed up by their children's games, and giggled at their antics as we sat in Mia's Wood.

We planted a glorious liquid amber which will greet visitors to Mia's Wood, and become a beacon to lead people onto new paths.

That is not to say there haven't been tears - watching Mia's cousins on Skype blow bubbles and sing happy birthday to her was hard. But it was truly a special day, for our beautiful flame.

Darling girl, beloved by so many, we all wish you were here. So very much. You have given us such joy. Unbelievable joy. We are so proud of you. Mummy and Daddy xx

BuffyFairy Sat 15-Sep-12 21:30:29

Happy 2nd birthday Mia! Thinking of you Mia's mummy and daddy. I am glad you got Mia's wood in time to mark her birthday. It sounds like a beautiful place.

I haven't posted before but want you to know that your words about Mia make her dance in front of me, they convey her beauty and spirit so well. I think about her and you whenever I see a gorgeous red head and your love for her reminds me to give my dd an extra hug and kiss. I wanted you to know that Mia's power to spread joy and love carries on.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy.

Molehillmountain Sat 15-Sep-12 21:42:45

I'm so glad today contained love in abundance. I realised today that Mia's story and your descriptions of her have made me look at my own red haired baby girl in a different, richer way. I hope that's okay. I found it especially poignant when my little one was thirteen months old. More love to you.

janey68 Sun 16-Sep-12 01:18:14

Your special girl has touched so many lives. Where love has been, love lives on forever. Hold onto that truth.

GRW Sun 16-Sep-12 08:01:44

I'm glad that Mia's birthday passed peacefully, and that you were surrounded by the love of your friends and family who loved Mia too, and able to spend time in Mia's wood.

The love and joy she brought into your lives shines through everything you write. Thinking of you and praying for you today.

Flossiechops Sun 16-Sep-12 08:08:45

Mia's wood sounds so beautiful. So glad you were surrounded by the love of your family and friends. Happy 2nd birthday to Mia x

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange Sun 16-Sep-12 08:09:51

Thought about you all day. I'm so glad it was sunny and bright for you all.

So many people remembering and loving Mia. A comfort for you I'm sure.

Unsurprisingly, feeling rather flat today. All this love for Mia, and it doesn't change anything. She still isn't here... I felt so close to her yesterday.

It's funny. While everyone on MN have openly mentioned Mia, and wished her happy birthday, quite a few people in RL have not. They have made the effort to make contact, and said that they are 'thinking of us', yet it is weird and upsetting that they cannot mention Mia's name. And hurtful.

Our friends yesterday brought us some beautiful birthday presents for Mia. A lovely bird box for Mia's Wood, and acorn-shaped wind chime, flowers, and most wonderful of all, a star. A ball of flame in the sky, Mia Alexandra, for eternity.

GRW Mon 17-Sep-12 12:05:01

It is hurtful when people can't bring themselves to mention Mia's name when expressing their condolences to you on her birthday. I am sure their intentions were kind, but some people mistakenly think that saying her name will upset you more.
How wonderful to encourage birds to nest in Mia's wood, and to hear the wind chime and see the star that means so much x

monstertufts Wed 19-Sep-12 11:41:22

Miasmummy, somehow I remembered on Saturday that it was Mia's birthday, despite usually having trouble remembering the birthdays of family members and close friends, and despite not really being able to remember you having mentioned her birthday on here. A friend's little boy turned two on the same day. I looked at the photos his parents posted on facebook - he had a farm-themed birthday party with his friends in the garden - and thought of Mia doing something similar. How lovely that you had a celebration in her wood.

Your recent posts have brought tears to my eyes, particularly your description of your husband watching the film scene of a baby in a bath, and your friend's gift of a star named after Mia. My son is now roughly the age Mia was when she died, and I feel for you more painfully than ever. The thought of him being taken from me when he is so full of potential and wonder is, of course, unbearable, and you are amazingly strong just being here, able to tell the tale and carry on for Mia.

I wish you peace and happiness, as always. On Mia's next birthday, her little sibling will be there with you to celebrate her too-short life. I hope her birthdays increasingly become occasions to remember her joyfully rather than sadly. xx

Yes, it is nearly a year - somehow the pain is becoming (mostly) easier to bear, but at the same time, even more unbelievable. Mia still feels so close to me, so real. I saw a little girl toddler running down the shopping centre today, giggling as she enjoyed the freedom of movement, and I thought "Oh, Mia would do that" and then my second thought was "I have no damn idea if she would or not" - and I will never know.

I received a beautiful email today from one of the staff from the nursery that Mia so briefly attended, as I had let them know about Mia's Wood, as the whole nursery had made a generous donation. She wanted to let us know she would happily volunteer to help us to clear the land or to plant.

I am amazed and touched that she remembered Mia, as she wasn't even one of the staff in Mia's area. I just wanted to tell you that Mia was a beautiful, happy, wonderful, red headed spirit who warmed the room with her smile. You have both been in my thoughts and prayers over the last year and especially on 15 September this year. And yes, this lady even remembered Mia's birthday!!

Mia seems to have made an impression on so many people. I am so glad. My special girl.

twinklesunshine Fri 21-Sep-12 20:24:09

That is so lovely Mias, its so nice when people remember. I have reached the 6 month point today, and one of my friends posted a card through my door saying that she knew it was 6 months, and that she thought I was doing so well, and she will be here for me for he next 6 months. Little acts of kindness mean so much don't they xxxxx

Yes, little acts of kindness undo me.

I was looking in my calendar for last year, and found myself looking through October, and all the busy things that Mia and I were doing - swimming, Songs and Rhymes, vaccinations, visiting friends, her first 'settle sessions' at nursery. Each day was filled with something fun. Off Mia and I would go, ready for each new adventure, her eyes dancing with excitement as she realised we were going out.

I didn't feel I could delete all the sessions and activities that never happened. They are still there, a poignant reminder of the world I have lost. My Mia world.

Sometimes I look at the photos of Mia that we have all over the house, and I am a little surprised at how she looks, how very young she is. In my mind, she is definitely a two-year-old now, taller, still very fair, with a little smattering of fine freckles on her nose, with a thick unruly mop of red curls, and a wide smile which makes her look very elfin. I can see her running into our room in her pyjamas at the start of the day, throwing herself onto the bed for morning cuddles and giggles.

I suspect Mia will continue to grow up in my head. My perfect child.

Molehillmountain Sun 23-Sep-12 19:31:22

That's a beautiful image smile

jmf294 Sun 23-Sep-12 20:56:11

Thoughts with you and Mia today.
I was praying for you all last weekend with my family - I was telling them how we were praying for Mia in heaven and praying for her Mummy. They said a special prayer for you all and we will continue to do so. xx

flubba Tue 25-Sep-12 16:03:18

MiasMummy I've been awol from MN for a long time over the summer (no internet connection) and had dropped off this thread but have thought of you and your family often since I was last on here - especially as we were up in Scotland for much of the summer and the number of red-heads there is more than round here, and each one I saw (regardless of age or gender!) reminded me of your beautiful Mia.

I've had a quick read back over your last few posts and am thrilled for you that the woods are now definitely yours and you can start implementing all your lovely plans. I'm sorry I wasn't here last week to wish Mia a happy birthday. I hope the day was full of smiles and tears in equal measures.

Try not to be hurt by friends not mentioning Mia by name on her birthday. Their saying 'thinking of you' is as close as they dare come for fear of hurting you more than you are already hurting. I am sure they would be sad to hear that not saying Mia's name was more hurtful for you.

Love and light to you all x

All Mia's friends are turning two in the next few weeks. A big milestone, and our own seem so empty in contrast...

DH says his heart doubled in size when Mia entered our lives. There is a phrase in a song he remembers which sums up his feelings... show me heaven and then slam the door. He loved seeing her whole-arm wave as he left in the morning, knowing that Mia and I would have yet another wonderful day together. I do feel so very privileged that he was happy for me to take the extra time away from work, and yet not be jealous of the time I had with our little girl.

Exactly a year ago, Mia started her nursery sessions. The first day, she yowled for quite some time after I left her, one of her full-throated, all-orifice-streaming affairs - as I knew she would. It was the first time I had ever left her with someone she didn't know, and there was a pang of sadness as I drove away, knowing that she started on her first independent adventure.

When I returned later in the day, I peeked through the fence, and watched Mia for some minutes as she happily playing outside with a truck, content and busy on her own, but watching the other older children play around her. Yet it was still very gratifying that when I did go in, she immediately crawled over and reached up, ready for a cuddle with her mummy. And I was all too ready for a cuddle as well.

Still so very hard to believe that there are no more Mia cuddles.

I went to a networking session last night, quite a light-hearted one, and had been looking forward to it. However, when I arrived, I realised that I had absolutely no desire to make small talk with people I didn't know. It would inevitably include my pregnancy, and then questions about whether I had any other children... it's not that I don't want to talk about Mia, but it simply not what people expect to hear.

I miss her so much. I love her even more.

ilovesprouts Fri 28-Sep-12 17:28:02

hugs xx

eightytwenty Mon 01-Oct-12 11:10:50

Mia's. Just popping in to say I'm thinking of you, as I do often. Hope you had a peaceful weekend.

janey68 Mon 01-Oct-12 17:55:43

Sending my thoughts too, especially now we're in October x

Thank you for remembering Ilove, eightytwenty, and janey. My black month. Very grateful that DH and I had last week together at home, doing a DIY stay cation, where the impending dates could be suspended for a while, as we immersed ourselves in painting and sorting and planning.

October 1st last year I remember so well. It was a very hot day, and we were all back in summer clothes. Mia was wearing a little blue sundress, and spent the day proudly marching up and down outside with her trolley, squealing with delight, grinning madly.

It was the last time my mother ever saw her. Thank god for videos and photos.

Molehillmountain Mon 01-Oct-12 19:48:54

Love to you, Mia's mummy. What a gorgeous picture I have in my mind's eye of Mia with her trolley.

Tamdin Mon 01-Oct-12 20:05:03

I have often looked at your photos of Mia and the one taken on the 1st October is truly beautiful. Her expression is so playful and yet so wise. I'm sure your mother will cherish the memory of that day forever. Thinking of you all x

Over the past couple of days, we have seen how, yet again, love and death are so very intertwined. It's not just us. I am very conscious how other people's worlds can fall apart too, and we are not the only ones dealing with fear and loss and pain... Death, major life-changing operations, and debilitating illness are touching many of our friends' lives, directly or indirectly. It affects us all, and our approach to the world.

Mia is only one sadness. She is our sadness. There are so many more. We aren't special, or singled out in that way.

pookiecat Wed 03-Oct-12 17:51:14

I never get to be on here enough, but you and Mia are always in my thoughts...Your pain is real to you and your family , you are such a strong and determined person[ even though you dont think it.] Mia is with you always and she will always be part of your lives. xxxxxxxx

jmf294 Wed 03-Oct-12 19:52:55

Mia's mummy-
Just wanted to add my voice to the others to let you know you in in my thoughts and prayers as you face this very hard month.
I really hope that through the darkness you will still find light and love, feel Mia's love around you and see her life and love in all that is beautiful around you.

I can't begin to imagine how hard the inquest will be. But please know that you have the thoughts, prayers and wishes of so many willing you to find the strength you need to face what you need to do.
I will also pray that the coroner's mind will be guided and the right verdict is reached for Mia.
I also feel so desperately sorry for your Dad- that his fellow professionals let own his daring granddaughter in the most dreadful way. Very tough.

Not much more I can say except to wish you all continued light and love and I know Mia well be so very proud of her very brave Mum xx

There is indeed light and love around me - as I was driving home today, amidst sunshine and raindrops, I was given the privilege to see not one, but two huge rainbow arcs against a sky of black clouds.

But feeling low now. In going through a batch of old receipts for my VAT return, I have just found some from a year ago, five days before Mia died, when she and I went out on a shopping expedition together to buy birthday presents for DH. She gave him socks and a laptop cover, both brightly coloured, like all her own things. I also found the receipt for the little aqua cardigan I bought for her that day. After I chose it, Mia decided she needed to hold onto it as I wheeled her around, waving the item in the air, catching on the other clothes as we went through the children's section, thinking this was a wonderful new game.

Mia never wore that cardigan.

All her things are still upstairs. I can't bear to put them away, but I know it is fast approaching a time when I will have to move them elsewhere. Somewhere close by, where I can look at the sweet little dresses, the green corduroy jeans, the stripy tops, and remember how I loved dressing my girl.

VikingVagine Thu 04-Oct-12 08:16:29

Have never commented or even spoken to you but I have followed this thread since it started. I have no idea what to say as my daughter was born around the same time as Mia. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and your family this month.

Thinking of you still, and know that your need for justice for Mia will carry you forward. I know this will be a grim time for you and for Mr Mias, with so much going on, but hope that you will both be shored up by the virtual hands outstretched to keep you standing.

Sending you lots of love.

Xx

There has been hundreds of hours of preparation by MrMia and MiasGrandad for her inquest. They have both worked so very hard, covering every angle possible, thinking about every possibility. Yet the outcome isn't certain at all. And even we receive the outcome we want, it will be difficult to possess that knowledge. I have no idea if it will provide any sort of closure. I am not really expecting that.

Now we are into the logistics of a four-day inquest. Sorting out food, organising ourselves with tea and coffee and a room to retreat into, a friend generously offering to take off four days from work to be our scribe... necessary mundanities to make things go as smoothly as possible.

The trees here are now turning into their Mia-colours of reds, brilliant oranges and vibrant golds.

How can it be a year since I held my beautiful little girl? How can the years stretch before me, knowing I will never hold her again, or see her smile? It is so impossible, still.

janey68 Sat 06-Oct-12 10:17:03

I'm glad you have the support of your wonderful family and friends to help you through this. Fwiw my feeling is that the process is as important as the outcome. Mias daddy and grandad have invested so much time and care and love covering every detail, and that's a testament to their love. Of course you will be hoping for the outcome which you believe is the right one, but whatever the outcome, I hope the process itself brings some kind of resolution and peace.

As for closure, I don't know, I'm not sure that there can ever be fundamental acceptance and closure with the death of ones child. But I do believe its possible to reach a place of inner calm.

So many of us are thinking of you especially now with mias inquest and the anniversary approaching. We have a glorious riot of red and orange in the trees at the end of our garden and whenever I'm out there I think 'Mia'

Yesterday we went out alongside other bereaved parents to create a snowdrop walk to honour our children. It was a cold but bright day, and the walk is being planted inside a beautiful sculpture garden. Next year we will do the same, and the snowdrops will spread naturally as they mature.

Our loyal friends and their children came along too, and it was lovely to watch the little girls concentrate on placing one single bulb into each hole, finding the 'lid' to place back on top, and then determinedly stamp it all down.

We also were able to bring home a little snowdrop bulb in a pot, and the gardener has told us that we can plant them in our gardens, where they will replicate naturally over time.

I love the thought of beautiful promises of Mia love appearing in the spring next year, and then each year following, expanding across our garden. Growing, a wonderful reminder of our beautiful girl.

Flossiechops Tue 09-Oct-12 13:09:56

I often read your thread and think about you and Mia. I live opposite an old church yard, there are 3 children buried in the same plot who died within a week of each other in the late 1800s. Each year that section of the cemetery is covered in the most beautiful display of snowdrops and bluebells, when I walk past it i always think of them and the flowers somehow seem so poignant. Mia's wood sounds like such a wonderful tribute to your precious daughter.

Oh. What a heartbreaking moment. A friend came over this morning with her daughter, who is the same age as Mia, and she loves coming to "Mia's house." She was eager to go upstairs to the toys, and after a cup of tea, we both went up there with her. The little girl looked around questioningly, and said "Mia? Mia?" hopefully. "She's not here, darling", I had to say...

Another friend sent me a text this afternoon, saying this-

A year ago today we were celebrating all the babies' first birthdays, and looking forward to my DC2's arrival in two days' time. Everything seemed so good. Some ways it feels such a short time ago, in others, forever. We miss Mia.

Her words brought tears for both MrMia and I. Such truth.

Less than a week now. My parents' arrival this morning brings it all so much closer to reality.

jmf294 Tue 09-Oct-12 22:56:53

Mia's light and love certainly shine so brightly through so many people.
Glad to hear your parents arrived safely- I hope you all find strength and comfort in one another in the coming days.

Molehillmountain Tue 09-Oct-12 23:19:47

Thinking of you, mr Mia and your lovely Mia. Wishing you strength.

flubba Wed 10-Oct-12 08:27:44

Thinking of you and all your family over the next couple of weeks in particular. Look after yourselves.
x Light and love x

Tamdin Wed 10-Oct-12 08:57:19

Thinking of you x

Everlong Wed 10-Oct-12 21:50:20

Just want to give you a huge hug and let you know I'm thinking of you, always xxxxxx

The clearing of the Mia's Wood site has begun, and already the progress has transformed the site. However, huge amounts of debris has emerged from under the nettles and brambles - two car bodies, old farm machinery, an old loo and bath, quantities of corrugated roofing, and enough rotten wood for a serious bonfire!

Mia's tree is looking glorious, with deep red leaves now.

A lovely friend, a teacher, whose daughter is the same age as Mia, is running a competition at his school to invite his classes to come up with creative ideas for Mia's Wood. He suggested the idea to us, and has put together an inspirational presentation as well as offering prizes, and asked MrMia and I to be judges.

Again, just another demonstration of love for Mia. Amazing. People are so kind.

janey68 Thu 11-Oct-12 06:31:00

I love how so many children remember and miss Mia- and how numerous school children will be playing in active role in thinking up a name for her wood.
Wishing you peace this week.

Tamdin Thu 11-Oct-12 09:29:20

One of my favourite films is 'Pay it forward'. The idea that kindness, love and compassionate acts can affect the lives of people you may never meet.
Mia and your love for her has touched the lives of so many people and Mia's wood will be the perfect place to honour that x

pookiecat Fri 12-Oct-12 17:21:20

Thinkin of you and your family, stay strong xxx

The registration of the star name for Mia Alexandra came through yesterday, so it is shining brightly somewhere in the universe, sparkling now and forever.

And this afternoon, the Woodland Trust rang to say they are interested in doing a site visit to Mia's Wood, and it looks as though they are very open to helping us.

I would love to take these as auspicious signs, but I can't really think that way anymore, even if I am glad they happened now, at this difficult time. I found Mia's nursery report yesterday, and it was such a reminder of the life we had exactly a year ago :-

12 October 2011
Mia has enjoyed playing in the tunnel in the garden, and watching the farmer and his dog on the farm. She has loved nursery rhymes at group time too!

The third report in her book. The last one. My darling little girl. Who knew?

RowgtfcGOLD72 Sun 14-Oct-12 17:55:12

Thinking of you . Mias star-what a lovely way to remember your twinkling girl x

I have been feeling very close to Mia over these past few days, and relatively calm, enveloped in all the love and strength being sent to us by you all, the MN world, and our family and friends.

But feeling very wobbly now. I am so scared, as MrMia has rightly pointed out that there may be upsetting PM photos shown tomorrow. I also know that I will be angry at things I hear, and want to stand up and scream. And we are furious at the hospital, who sent through a new, unseen document at Friday 5pm...

However, we have had a quiet weekend. We walked down through the fields to Mia's Wood with my parents yesterday, and all the debris has been cleared now, and her tree is standing proudly above the golden grass. And after a nice lunch out, we took my parents to the Mia "cloud-kiss" tree which we planted with them in February. As we arrived, it started teeming down with rain, and then it hailed just as we reached the hilltop where her tree is planted, and I did think they were very dramatic ice kisses from our little girl! Its leaves are red-gold now. It is still the littlest tree on the side of the hill, which seems right for our little girl. The colourful ribbons around the protective fencing are as bright as ever. As bright as our love.

This inquest is indeed one thing we can do now for Mia, this fight for the truth, while the rest of our life moves on.

I want to tell the world how wonderful she is. I want her back. I can't stand the thought she is not physically with us. And never will be again.

That knowledge is too much to bear.

jmf294 Sun 14-Oct-12 19:30:50

Darling Mia's mummy,
I wish like so many I could take this all away from you.
Of course it must be so frightening...
But you have survived the worst possible pain with your loss of Mia, you can do this tomorrow for Mia, for all of you.
I'm pretty sure no matter what official line the hospital take tomorrow the individual doctors must be deeply affected by it all- I know I would be if I were in their shoes....
I would be very surprised if there were any PM photos tomorrow- I hope not.
When it gets tough tomorrow close your ears and eyes to what is going on around you, see your beautiful Mia in your mind and feel your shawl of love, strength and support around you.
Will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

flubba Sun 14-Oct-12 19:51:45

Listen to jmf ~ as ever she has very wise words.

Your story still makes me cry every time. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult and painful it must be for you and your family to have to live it.

I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. I hope the day passes quickly for you, and without too much pain.

x

Molehillmountain Sun 14-Oct-12 20:52:56

Will be thinking of you all tomorrow. Wish I could do more than think and send love.

janey68 Sun 14-Oct-12 21:11:42

I wish that too, but rest assured Miasmummy that you have proclaimed to so many people how lovely your little girl is. There are so many of us who never met her in real life but have seen her photos, her smile, and read your words which paint such a vivid picture of Mia. Stay strong, keep telling us about Mia; she won't be forgotten.

GRW Sun 14-Oct-12 22:22:35

I will be thinking of you tomorrow too, and hope you will get some answers that will help you even though it's hard to listen to some of the reports. Your love for Mia still shines through, and it will help you get through the inquest.

CJMommy Sun 14-Oct-12 22:27:25

Thinking of you today, tomorrow and every day x

Asmywhimsytakesme Sun 14-Oct-12 22:30:03

Thinking of you all - so many of us fellow mothers are sending you our love and wishes for the inquest to bring what happened out into the open. We are all so very sorry you are going through this.

saffronwblue Sun 14-Oct-12 22:31:02

Dear Mias
I haven't posted on your threads before but have read them with tears and feel as if I have a strong sense of your gorgeous little daughter. You and MrMias are such brave and loving parents to her. I hope the anguish of the inquest is tempered by getting the information that you deserve. I will be thinking of you.

expatinscotland Sun 14-Oct-12 22:32:20

Miasmum, we're behind you all the way! You'll never walk alone in this.

Tamdin Mon 15-Oct-12 08:45:07

Thinking of all of you today. X

LadyGago Mon 15-Oct-12 09:53:14

Thinking of you, your family and especially Mia this week. I hope the inquest gives you the answers you need, and some of the peace you deserve. You continue to be a wonderful Mam to your lovely daughter x

dubaipieeye Mon 15-Oct-12 17:30:06

Hello Miasmummy. I wanted to come along and say that I am wishing you peace and strength this week. We are all with you and I know I will never, ever forget the life and story of Mia Alexandra, she has touched me very deeply. With love, light and prayer, D x

DeadQODy Mon 15-Oct-12 18:14:01

You write so beautifully

Love to Mia, I've shed a tear for her today x

All the love being sent our way today has been so appreciated.thanks It was hard, but about what I expected... what I didn't expect was that I felt weirdly happy having a whole room of people concentrating on my beautiful daughter, talking about Mia, saying her name. (Not sure I could share this thought anywhere else.)

I could almost feel her sitting on my lap, and feel my hand tracing her soft little cheek as I stared at her lovely photo when it was becoming too fraught.

jmf294 Mon 15-Oct-12 22:20:50

You have been in my thoughts and prayers all day and will be all week.

It sounds like Mia was very close to you today, her presence with you, safe in her Mummy's love.
Keep strong and feel the beauty, love and light that is Mia all around you.
Hope you can manage to sleep tonight
Xxxx

All my love amd thoughts are with you and MrMia over the next few days. I am sending you strength over the air.

Michelle xxx

AuldAlliance Tue 16-Oct-12 11:02:22

I have never posted here, but check in from time to time to see how you are doing. Your beautiful daughter (such lovely photos, her character shines through...) has touched so many people.
Good luck for the coming days; you have been so strong and will come out the other side of the inquest with that strength intact. I hope it brings some answers, whatever they may be.

TinkerBellaFlora Tue 16-Oct-12 11:15:55

This is the first time I've posted although I've read and been moved by your thoughts about Mia Alexandra many times over the last year. Your vivid descriptions make me feel like I knew your beautiful daughter well and I will certainly never forget her.

I hope you continue to feel close to Mia this week x