My boy...

(141 Posts)
MrsY Thu 03-May-12 09:33:51

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I’d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ‘low risk’ so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I’d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I’d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who’s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby’s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine – phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J’s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn’t find it. She re-assured me that it didn’t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw’s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I’d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby’s head. I’d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn’t make it. I remember saying at one point ‘they’re going to stop soon, aren’t they?’ and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn’t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn’t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

ripsishere Thu 03-May-12 09:48:52

You've made me cry. I don't ever come to this area so apologies for butting in, but you are incredibly strong to write this so soon after his birth.
Wishing you peace and strength.

BikeRunSki Thu 03-May-12 09:53:40

MrsY I am so, so sorry to hear about Benedict. What an appropriate name, I think it means 'blessed' in Latin. I very, very nearly lost my daughter in childbirth six months ago and I can quite relate to the fear you had. I have never prayed so hard in my life, instinctively even though I am a lapsed Catholic of many years. I count my blessings every day.

Have you had any counselling or been in touch with SANDS? They were wonderful when my friend lost her infant son.

Coconutty Thu 03-May-12 09:54:09

Oh Mrs I am so, so sorry for your loss.

MrsY Thu 03-May-12 09:56:12

Thank you.

TBH, I didn't know if this should go here or in the miscarriage/pregnancy loss bit, but I was already forgetting things, so wanted to get it all written down.

I think the only reason I can talk about it is because it still doesn't feel real.

BonnieBumble Thu 03-May-12 10:01:21

I am so terribly sorry for your loss sad

Gunznroses Thu 03-May-12 10:01:53

So so sorry OP to hear about your son, thats really made me cry, i cant even comprehend how deep your sorrow must be, but my heart is breaking here also. Did you get to hold him ? Lots of hugs from here, we can all cry together sad

MrsY So sorry to hear of little Benedict (what a beautiful name).

I gave birth to my stillborn daughter last April, we didnt know she had died and went into Hospital in full labour only to be told when they couldnt find the heart beat that she had died.

I felt numb for so long, and distant from it all. There is a bereaved mums thread on here if you ever want to post, we have all been through the loss of a baby, child. We will listen and not judge.

Be gentle with yourself, let your grief take you where you need to go in the next few weeks.

I too wanted to write down my daughters birth story, I have a little book in her memory box, where I have written it all down.

MOSagain Thu 03-May-12 10:07:24

oh sweetheart, I'm sitting here in tears. As you know I've known your awful news for a few weeks now and have cried and prayed for you many times since then but reading your words now my heart breaks for you again. I am so very glad that you've come here and posted MrsY. As I said before, there are some lovely mummys on the special thread that have walked the same horrible and unfair path that you, J and M are now walking and I just hope that they can help you in a way that your other friends can't as they truly understand everything you have gone and will go through.

When you are ready, all your friends are waiting for you on our other thread. Take care xxx

Kaloobear Thu 03-May-12 10:08:54

God, I'm so, so sorry.

twinky Thu 03-May-12 10:09:51

I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. Even though he's not here he will always be your baby boy and a part of your family. It's heartbreaking to read your post.

MrsY - Big hugs from us too (you know me from TB) Benedict will always be remembered by so many, you, J and M are in our thoughts and prayers everyday. xxx

Rindercella Thu 03-May-12 10:16:42

I am so so sorry to hear about Benedict. My thoughts and love are with you and your family x

startail Thu 03-May-12 10:22:57

RIP Benedict,

So sad, I'm never sure what to put, but your story made me cry and I couldn't read it and not say how sorry I am.


MrsY you poor, poor person. You have suffered the worst loss imaginable. I bet your son Benedict is absolutely gorgeous.

If you feel like some support from others who have lost their children, to scream and yell and say it is unfair and you don't understand - there is (sadly) a group of us here. The ladies here are kind and funny and always, always understanding.

bronze Thu 03-May-12 10:33:13

I'm so sorry x

QuickLookBusy Thu 03-May-12 11:07:18

I'm so very sorry your darling boy didn't make it.x

wantingmore Thu 03-May-12 11:13:55

so sorry for your loss.x

SoupDragon Thu 03-May-12 11:18:55

Sorry to hear about your son

latrucha Thu 03-May-12 11:24:35

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your darling son.

SimplyTes Thu 03-May-12 11:50:33

I am so sorry that this has happened, love and thoughts to you and your family. S x

MustControlFistOfDeath Thu 03-May-12 13:19:51

Oh MrsY, so sorry x

everlong Thu 03-May-12 13:35:48

Oh no I'm so so sorry. Reading your first post I can only imagine how frightening and terrible that night was.

Wishing you so much strength in the months to come.

RatherBeOnThePiste Thu 03-May-12 13:57:31

Sending love to your family and thinking of Benedict.

GrossePopel Thu 03-May-12 14:01:34

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your son's name is lovely.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

chipmonkey Thu 03-May-12 15:58:45

MrsY, please do join us on the bereaved Mum's thread. All the ladies are so kind and supportive. I lost my baby daughter last October, she was 7 weeks old. Benedict is a lovely, lovely name.

I'm so sorry and sad for you. sad

chimchar Thu 03-May-12 16:03:13

so sorry to read about your little boy. his name is beautiful.


ThatVikRinA22 Thu 03-May-12 16:06:49

i am really so very sorry for you mrsy i wish you peace and strength and love. x

diedandgonetodevon Thu 03-May-12 16:08:03

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Benedict sad. Thinking of you and your family.

What a lovely name for your precious boy. I wish you peace and strength. This is just heartbreaking.

How shocking and awful. I am so sorry. It's so unfair. Wishing you strength at this horrible, horrible time.

amyboo Thu 03-May-12 18:54:46

I'm so sorry to read your post MrsY. i just lost my baby boy (DS2) at 35 weeks. He was born on 22 April after I was induced when they couldn't find his heartbeat. I completely share your sorrow. I know in our case that DH and I have taken great strength and comfort from the support of our friends and family. No one really knows what to say, but it's nice to know people are thinking of us.

The pain is enormous, but there are some wonderful people on this site who've been through it and come out the other side. I hope you can find the support and comfort you need on here.

Your little boy will never be forgotton and will forever be a part of your life, just like my little boy Thomas will be in ours. I hope for us both that the pain and sadness eases with time. Thinking of you x

spanky2 Thu 03-May-12 18:58:50

I just wanted to add, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you and your family with your terrible loss.

I'm so sorry that is just too terrible. Thinking of you, your family and of baby Benedict.

MakeHayAndSneeze Thu 03-May-12 19:24:57

I am so sorry, and you are so brave posting your story. I have no other words, but will say a prayer for you.

I am sorry for your loss.

Benedict Peanut is a beautiful name.

You are very brave.

Grockle Thu 03-May-12 19:31:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Beautiful name.

MrsY Thu 03-May-12 21:51:08

Thank you all. amyboo, you're right. Our facebook pages and inboxes are full of words that alone are fairly meaningless, but tell us that our friends and families are thinking of us and love us. The thing that has been so reassuring is the knowledge that people are thinking of Benedict - it's so hard thinking he didn't have any impact on the world. On the day of his funeral, over 50 of my friends changed their profile photos to a picture of a candle. That says that he had an impact, and it serves to validate him as a person.

My husband and I had argued so much over his name, we really don't agree! We both liked Benedict, but I'm not so keen on Ben, but it felt appropriate. No-one is likely to shorten his name now, and it means blessed, which he is. We played the Benedictus at his funeral, it meant so much. John is my husband's name, and Peanut was his bump name. We called him Peanut all the way through the pregnancy and we still call him that most times! Our daughter still calls him Peanut. His name really suits him and is so perfect.

Mama1980 Fri 04-May-12 11:30:54

I'm so very very sorry for your loss sad sleep sweet benedict xxx

So sorry for your loss, as I read your post the poignancy of the date reminded me of this.
Thinking of you and yours and Benedict,


My little man, down what centuries
of light did you travel
to reach us here,
your stay so short-lived;

in the twinkling of an eye
you were moving on,
bearing our name and a splinter
of the human cross we suffer;

flashed upon us like a beacon,
we wait in darkness for that light
to come round, knowing at heart
you shine forever for us.

by Hugh O’Donnell

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck Fri 04-May-12 16:00:37

Beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry that Benedict didn't get to live in this world.

MarkStretch Fri 04-May-12 16:03:58

Mrsy I'm so glad you've posted on here, I hope so much that we can all help you through this. I think about you all the time, every day, and wonder how you are doing. xxx

FreckledLeopard Fri 04-May-12 16:15:23

I am so desperately sorry for the loss of your son. Benedict is a beautiful name. Wishing you all the support, peace and love that is out there.

chipmonkey Sat 05-May-12 11:34:15

gaunyers, dh read that out at dd's funeral but changed it to "My little one" rather than "my little man". It's so beautiful.

Faverolles Sat 05-May-12 11:40:53

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all x
Benedict is such a lovely name.

chipmonkey thinking of you too, how very courageous of your dh, It is beautiful isn't it.

siilk Sat 05-May-12 17:25:00

I am so sorry that you have lost Benedict. We lost our second son at 36 weeks in September 2009. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to grieve. I like to remember the joy that Ds2 gave me and now these memories make me smile where once only tears fell. Big big hugs.

chipmonkey Sat 05-May-12 17:58:22

gaunyers, I really don't know how he did it. But he held it together so well.. He really wanted to give dd a dignified send-off.

monstertufts Sun 06-May-12 19:47:54

I'm not sure how I came across this thread, and I wasn't going to add anything, thinking that I had no right to do so, having never experienced the pain that you and some of the other ladies here are going through.

But then I read this, from one of your posts - 'it's so hard thinking he didn't have any impact on the world' - and I had to tell you how wrong you are. Your darling boy has changed your lives forever, and those of the people who love you. And, through your post here, Benedict has touched the lives of strangers: your post brought tears to my eyes, and I gave my 8MO DS (who is sleeping next to me on the sofa) a kiss and said a prayer for you as I thought of your little boy.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry that little Benedict didn't make it, and I hope life is kinder to you and your family very soon. xx

MrsY Sun 06-May-12 22:55:01

Thank you monstertufts. x

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow Sun 06-May-12 22:58:29

Thinking of you xx

StellaAndFries Sun 06-May-12 23:02:02

Still thinking of you MrsY (SG from FB and ex TB'er) x

gingerchick Sun 06-May-12 23:03:11

So so sorry my lovely can't put into words how sorry. Thinking of you and rending love to you and your family,

lucyellensmumnamechange Sun 06-May-12 23:09:47

I am so sorry - i don't have words xxx

Oh I'm so sorry, he won't be forgotten and he did make an impact, he did.

Much love to you all.

Saucepanman Tue 08-May-12 14:10:30

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy Benedict. I have been where you are now, and am holding you in my thoughts and prayers, wishing you strength and peace. Much love xxxx

DaisyMaisyJessicaEmily Tue 08-May-12 14:18:12

oh gosh sad I am in tears here reading about your lovely boy, I am so so sorry for your loss and am sending all of you much love and strength and a virtual hug right now xxxx

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 14:32:02

Thank you.

Having a horriblye day today, I think it's hit me. On Thursday it will be a month since my beautiful boy was born/died (I never know which of the two to say).

I miss him so much, I wish I could hold him again and tell him how sorry I am that he isn't with us.

Life has to be pretty normal for our daughter, and so there are times when I'm not thinking of him, and it breaks my heart that I have forgotten about him. It reminds me that I wasn't paying attention to his movements on the last day. I feel so guilty for failing that one golden rule of motherhood - to think of your children before yourself.

Thank you for the virtual hug DMJE, am rather in need of one at the moment.

lucyellensmumnamechange Tue 08-May-12 14:44:56

You know he was destined to be an angel from the start, it wouldn't have changed a thing if you counted his movements - please don't beat yourself up over this. Life has to go on though, for your DD. My friend lost her little boy at a late stage of pregnancy. She thinks about him all the time, but not every single moment of every day. He is as much a part of her family as her other DC, she talks about him all the time.

DaisyMaisyJessicaEmily Tue 08-May-12 14:57:17

Lovey you are in no way shape or form to blame. Nobody is. please please don't blame yourselves.

Treats Tue 08-May-12 14:59:10

MrsY - I always describe November 30th 2011 as the day that my son was "here" - he was born and died on the same day too.

I couldn't read all of your post as it was a bit too close to my own experience for comfort (lost him at six hours old after a prolapsed cord cut off his oxygen during delivery). But I couldn't not post.

Try to get past your feelings of guilt. For me, it was essential to know that there was nothing that I or anyone else could have done to keep him with us. The grief is enough, I don't need guilt or anger as well.

Take comfort in your DD - you know that you CAN successfully carry a child. The grief and sadness are the price you're having to pay for wanting another child so much - and your DD will remind you that it's a price worth paying.

As soon as you feel ready, think about trying again for another child. I'm wrestling with unhelpful cycles at the moment, but the thought of having another baby in my life soon keeps me going.

Life will carry you forward - you'll still have to get up every day to look after your daughter and you'll find things to distract you. Don't worry about 'forgetting' Benedict - you never will. But you can't live every day with constant sadness. After a while you will find a safe place in your heart to tuck your thoughts of him away, ready to bring out when you have a quiet moment to yourself.

Keep as many mementoes of him as you can. The wonderful nurses at our hospital took his hand and footprints, and a lock of his hair and gave us an album of photos. I hope you had someone there to do similar for you. If not, make your own - a necklace, a sampler, a special plant in the garden.

We're five and a half months on, now. I'm amazed that we're still here, still having joyful moments, still thriving as a family. But we are. And so will you.

My thoughts are with you XX

BerryLellow Tue 08-May-12 15:19:34

So very sorry MrsY. Benedict is an utterly wonderful name, wishing you all peace x

Tee2072 Tue 08-May-12 15:28:02

I'm so sorry MrsY.

Henwelly Tue 08-May-12 15:38:20

You could not possibly have done anything to change this, the MW often tell us that babys movements slow before labour - there really was no way of knowing.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I don't normally post, but I couldn't not today. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss MrsY. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling and as previous posters have said there are no words. Benedict is a beautiful name, and he will be with you in spirit for ever and ever. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers x

MadeInChinaBaby Tue 08-May-12 15:48:53

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've shed a few tears for Benedict and just given my toddler an extra tight squeeze. Your love for him shines through your words here.

You have nothing to feel guilty about when you 'forget' him for a few moments whist everyday life goes on with your DD - it just means you're being a loving, attentive mother to her. I'm sure she's a great comfort to you now. Please be kind to yourself.

Hugs from me too. Xxx.

Abra1d Tue 08-May-12 15:51:30

I am so sorry.

MrsPear Tue 08-May-12 15:55:28

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy Benedict (what a beautiful name); my heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult.

If it is OK i will ask God to give you strength over the months to come.

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 16:18:47

Thank you all.

MrsPear, that's more than ok, that's just what I need. I've had a few 'angry with Him' moments, but I'm trusting Him to be forgiving. I keep being told how wonderful it is Benedict is with Him, and I know it is; but I'd so much rather he was with me.

5madthings Tue 08-May-12 16:31:13

another one in tears here, i am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy and i agree he has a lovely name, take care and am thinking of you xxx

BumpingFuglies Tue 08-May-12 17:29:06

Dear MrsY, you are in my prayers. I wish you peace, hope and strength.

kizzie Tue 08-May-12 17:38:48

I am so so sorry that you and your family have had to go through this. Your beautiful little boy has certainly touched me today and Im glad that so many of your RL friends have been so proactive in showing their support.
I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks and months and I know that Benedict will always be a loved member of your family x

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 22:49:42

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th. I can’t quite remember the proper order of things since then. J called his parents and my mum. His parents had to wait for my BIL to get to theirs to watch our daughter and then they headed over, but my mum came straight round. E weighed and measured him and we got him dressed. He wore a blue knitted hat that the hospital had, a green and white stripy sleepsuit and a Tots Bots stretchy bamboozle. We held him until people arrived. My mum got there just before 7am, then my sister arrived a little bit later and then J’s parents. We all held him and talked to him. My BIL was able to join us after he had found someone to have my niece.

J and I thought about what we would call him, (something we had struggled with throughout the pregnancy). J had wanted Benedict but I’d said no because I’m not keen on Ben, but I thought it was appropriate under the circumstances (it means blessed), plus I didn’t think many people would shorten his name now. John is for his dad, and Peanut was what we called him throughout the pregnancy.

After a while, I felt really claustrophobic from all the emotion and asked everyone to leave. Then E took him to do hand and footprints, and a lock of his hair etc. for the SANDS box, and when she brought it through for us, we wrapped him in the blanket and I changed his hat for one my mum had knitted him.

Our minister arrived and Benedict was baptised. It was such a relief to have a full baptism service and I felt he was more protected after that. After the baptism, E left and after a while, the minister left too. Then our families left and we sat with our son. The hospital chaplain visited and discussed options for the funeral etc. Then the time had come to say goodbye to our beautiful boy, it was just the worst thing I’ve ever done. We said goodbye, and the mw took Benedict.

For the rest of the day, we were mainly in the room. We had food, we went for a wander, we tried to watch some television. The mws checked on me every hour to see what my bp was like (it was really high so they put me on meds) and I talked to umpteen doctors, mws and consultants. The following lunchtime we were able to go to the special suite they have, and I told J I wanted Benedict back. He wasn’t sure if Benedict would have changed already, but I asked a mw and she said it was fine. We were able to sit with him for another few hours. J called his brother and invited him and his wife to come up and meet Benedict; they had been looking after M the previous day so had missed meeting him.

We played him special music – Little Wing, some Elvis some Led Zep (no Beatles though, epic mistake) and told him who he should look out for in heaven. J wanted Benedict to find his grandfather who could teach him to play guitar, and I said my grandfather for some far-fetched tales of his youth! We told him stories of how we got together etc., and I read him a story (No Matter What). J’s brother and SIL arrived and were there for a couple of hours. We all had some more photos taken – his skin tone was more even and so it wasn’t so traumatic. It was nice to be normal and relaxed, and create some more positive memories. I thank God that we were able to spend that time with him; it was as close to him being alive as it could have been.

The next day we spent some more time with him. I was torn between wanting to get home and see our daughter, and not ever wanting to leave him. My bp was back to normal on the second lot of meds, and so we were discharged.
J was off work for a few days, but then needed to get back to reality. We started making decisions about the funeral. J was able to take time out to go to the undertakers when I needed him to, and friends and family were fantastic about watching M for us.

He and my mum and MIL were able to go back up to the hospital on the Saturday to see Benedict again, but I decided it was best not to. I regret that now and sadly when I decided I wanted to see him again, we were advised it was best if we didn’t. We were able to contact a lovely lady who visited him at the undertakers and took his hand and foot prints for us; we are having clay tiles made for us, and for family members. I’m also having a charm made.

His funeral was held on Thursday 26th April. We had Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring (had it at our wedding and at M’s baptism), Karl Jenkins’ Benedictus, from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace, and Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix! E, who is Benedict’s Godmother was supposed to read the bible passage; Mark 10, 13-16, but she was ill so my sister read it. Then Benedict’s Godfather read No Matter What. We had some lovely prayers and some words from the minister. We chose a woollen casket, so we feel that he is cosy and warm despite where he is.

Then we went up to the cemetery. Words can’t adequately say how it feels to say that final goodbye. I’ve never been to a burial before, so it was a very surreal. We are lucky that the cemetery is beautiful and very well kept, and the area where is grave is, is particularly peaceful. Tomorrow; the day before the one month anniversary, I’m going up to see him. J has been up a few times, but for various reasons I haven’t. I need to do it at some point, so I think in that pulling off a plaster kind of way, I just have to do it.

Next Wednesday, J and I will go back to the consultant for a follow-up appointment. We aren’t expecting any more answers. We decided not to put Benedict through a post-mortem, so apart from some basic tests they have done on samples from him, and a raft of tests they ran on me, we won’t know any more facts about what happened. His cord was knotted is what is known as a ‘true knot’, as well as being wrapped around his neck twice. That, together with my blood pressure/PET is the likely cause of death.

I know they will mention future children. In my heart, I’d love another baby, a sibling for my lovely girl who was so looking forward to being a big sister. She often talks about her brother, and she had such big plans for teaching him to roll over, sit up, walk and talk. But the thought of going through the pain of ttc (it took years to conceive M), pregnancy (bleeds and PET) and birth again makes me feel physically sick. I know J would start trying now if he could, but I don’t think I’m strong enough.

I don’t know if I agree that it’s better to have loved and lost.

scottishmummy Tue 08-May-12 22:56:40

so dreadfully sorry, such a shocking tragedy
you write v movingly about your son Benedict john
I hope you eventually get some peace,some time

Rindercella Tue 08-May-12 23:05:36

MrsY, Benedict John Peanut had the best possible parents in the world. Your love for him shines through your words.

Sending you my love and prayers xxx

Pan Tue 08-May-12 23:30:27

MrsY - I am moved to tears reading your posts. You cared for and loved Peanut for as long as you were allowed to.

My best friend's wife (and so by dint another bf) suffered in very, very similar circumstance, this being 20 years ago. The photos, the service, the prints on ink. Their boy didn't make it either. They both on ocassion over the years talk about "their boy" - he continues to have a benign impact on the world, through them, as I am pretty sure Peanut will also in the years to come.

AliceInordnung Tue 08-May-12 23:37:56

So desparately sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have faith - one day you will be reunited with Benedict in a place where it is said there are no more tears. Hope that thought gives you some comfort.

ToothbrushThief Tue 08-May-12 23:41:52

Mrs Y - you write so movingly and share your feelings of grief. I cried and cried at each of your posts not for myself but for you and yours and the loss of your son Benedict.
Beautiful name
Your description of the time you spent with him shows that he knows you and knows about you and feels your love

I'm do sorry for your loss, Benedict has had an impact on you and your family and all if us here too.

RIP darling boy x

mrsy what beautiful posts you have written, I am so desperatly sorry for your loss, I'm sat here sobbing for you and for your darling son.

He did make an impact, my baby brother was born sleeping in 2010, he would have been two this coming saturday, we will go release ballons and eat cake, he is spoken of often and although not with us is a part of our family, always.


RnB Wed 09-May-12 15:01:15

So terribly sorry for your loss, Mrs Y.

lucyellensmumnamechange Wed 09-May-12 15:11:24

You write so beautifully about your Son, I have been thinking about you since I first read your post. Your strength and dignity comes over so clearly, your love for your little boy so moving. He will always be with you xxxx

landofsoapandglory Wed 09-May-12 15:19:51

I am so very, very sorry MrsY.

Much love to you and your family.

RIP Benedictxxxxxxx

hoops997 Wed 09-May-12 16:44:36

My thoughts are with you MrsY the world can be very cruel, peanut is probably running around in heaven with all the other angel babies sad

RIP Benedict (beautiful name) xx

TheSecondComing Wed 09-May-12 18:50:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RabidAnchovy Wed 09-May-12 19:14:07

So very sorry for your loss

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Wed 09-May-12 20:16:22

I am so very sorry, there really aren't any words when something so very wrong happens sad

I am pleased you managed to spend some time with Benedict, create some memories and tell him who to look out for x

His funeral sounds beautiful and loving - as perfect as a funeral can ever be.

I have never heard of a woollen casket - it does sounds warm, soft & comforting, a lovely choice.

Give yourself some time - you don't have to decide whether to try for another baby or not right now, it's too soon to think about it. I do have a feeling though, that in time, your heart will win over your fear.

Much love & strength to all of you xxx

lemonlymon Wed 09-May-12 23:26:10

Lots of hugs and love to you MrsY, and to your beautiful boy. x

streakybacon Thu 10-May-12 15:35:53

So sorry for your loss, Mrs Y.

Love and strength to you and your family.

porcamiseria Thu 10-May-12 21:56:32

oh gosh, I am am tears

may be rest in peace, at times like this this I pray for a heaven where he is being cradled and loved

And may you have the strength you need

RIP baby B xxxx

MrsY Fri 11-May-12 17:50:29

Thank you all very much.

Well, on Wednesday I went to his grave. It's so very beautiful and peaceful. It wasn't brilliant weather, and so the only person I saw was the ?custodian? man who lives on site and maintains the cemetery.

I felt quite peaceful, and stood with him for a while and talked. I wish the weather had been better so I could sit with him for longer, but I would have needed a change of underwear if I'd stayed much longer, with the rain going sideways! We've decided that we will look into getting a bench put next to him, under the tree. Then we can go and sit with him and it will be a nice place to go and read a book, or eat lunch, just being with him.

I scattered some daisy seeds over the ground, which should grow up with the grass. His birth flower is a daisy, and they seem to symbolise his innocence, and fragility.

We've decided that we'll take the Mouse up there for a picnic in the summer, we'd like to get her used to the place.

We've also started planning the headstone, I think all the planning and making decisions helps me feel in control a bit more. So we're planning special memory things, hand and footprint tiles and jewellery, tattoos etc. All to keep us busy and all to help keep physical reminders of his presence with us at al times.

Thank again for all the support, love and prayers. x

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely son. Huge hugs. My daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks nearly 18 months ago now, things are much different for us, easier in a way. It's never better and we won't ever get over it but I can say that it is a different feeling to the early rawness xx

harrietlichman Fri 11-May-12 19:10:02

So very, very sorry.

bbface Fri 11-May-12 21:46:50

I am so sorry, feel so much love and compassion for you. xx

MrsY Sun 13-May-12 23:27:41

Benedict, I miss you so much. I'm so sorry I didn't do more...

ChippingIn Sun 13-May-12 23:46:26

Oh lovey, you can't blame yourself sad You did as you were advised - there wasn't any more you could have done. <<hugs>>

Lizzylou Mon 14-May-12 14:57:38

Oh I am so so sorry.
I have a son with the exact same name.
I don't know how to express myself very well with things like this but please know that you have done nothing wrong.
I am crying for you all, you do write so beautifully about your beautiful boy x

MrsY Mon 14-May-12 17:16:42

Thank you both.

I'm having a tough couple of days. The Mouse has been uber-grumpy and I've shouted so much, I feel like an awful mum. Logically, I know that both her behaviour and mine is a reaction to what has happened, but I just feel awful.

I miss him so much. I keep thinking about how much we've missed out on. The Mouse talks about him so easily, and whilst I appreciate the love she has for him, and I'm so relieved that she hasn't forgotten him, it still breaks my heart.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want my boy back.

Lizzylou Mon 14-May-12 17:18:15

Please be kind to yourself.
You will all deal with this in your own ways.
You do sound so lovely x

Calico1 Mon 14-May-12 22:33:08

Thinking of you and sweet Benedict. Sending lots of hugs for you guys xx

MrsY Tue 15-May-12 12:51:13

Thank you both.

Having a crappy day today - angry and sad. I want to throw and crash and bang. Feeling very much like Small in No Matter What, actually.

Just reacting against all the poems and thoughts that are supposed to give me comfort. I know I should be pleased that Benedict is at peace and with God, but I want him here with me.

Having a snuggle in from of Toy Story 3, although the ending gets me on the best of days, so I'll be sobbing like anything later...

Zhx3 Tue 15-May-12 12:59:25

I am so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family x

KnottyLocks Tue 15-May-12 13:11:10

Sending you an enormous hug. Thinking of you all x

mrsY of course you are resentful. Of course your boy should be with you. People want to do something, anything, to give you solace, but sometimes, they do come out with the most extraordinary things... big hugs for you, lovely lady. xx

mum2elandj Tue 15-May-12 13:47:09

MrsY, never usually on here but am home with a sick 5 year old. Popped over from TB to read Benedicts's moving story, so I could understand a little better what you are going through. So sad that you had such a short time with your baby son.

Sorry you are having a hard day, you have coped amazingly well and I think it is important to be able to admit when you are not ok.

Mouse will forgive you for shouting, be kind to yourself xx

MrsY Tue 15-May-12 18:04:08

<3 x

RatherBeOnThePiste Tue 15-May-12 18:52:26

So sorry MrsY

Thinking of you, thinking of Benedict and sending love X

MrsY Wed 16-May-12 18:04:11

We've just got home from our 6 week follow-on consultant appointment.

All the test results that have come in so far have been normal, so as of now, there is still no reason for what happened. In a way this is a relief. I would rather think of Benedict as being perfect but bloody unlucky than having a problem. J is relieved as he would like us to try for another baby.

We're still waiting for two lots of test results; the skin samples they took from Benedict which are being processed at GOSH and some blood tests they took from me (along with a second set taken today) to test for lupus and/or Antiphospholipid syndrome. This, apparantly, often presents with PET, so it is the more likely of the two, but still rare.

We're lucky that the consultant, like 99% of the medical team that have supported us, is so lovely. She had de-briefed me after my first labour and had been a huge support in my pregnancy, advocating my delivering in the birth centre and keeping my fears of PET or a repeat performance of my first labour/delivery at bay. She brought up the subject of another child; in a way, I think that is more the focus of these appointments than answering questions about what happened, because there often isn't an answer.

I still find it very difficult to think of having a third child. I had always wanted a big family, but space and money-wise, it wasn't practical to think of having more than two. Even if we had wanted a third, it wouldn't be for another few years. It seems very much that if we had another now; we would be replacing Benedict. In a way, I just feel I want a baby to hold and nuture, and we so want for the Mouse to be a big sister. But I don't know if I am strong enough to go through the emotional and physical upheaval that pregnancy and childbirth means for me.

I can't believe that it has already been over five weeks since we lost him. Sometimes it still feels so raw; like it only happened ysterday, and sometimes it feels like it's all been a horrid dream. I think the best way of describing it is it's as if we've switched to a parallel dimension - things are so very nearly normal, but there is something that is so terribly wrong. We are going to have to get used to a new 'normal', one in which we live our lives, nuture our daughter, work, play and laugh, but in which we are also missing a vital member of our family.

Jules146 Fri 18-May-12 09:09:04

My heart goes out to you and wishing you the very best, you sound like you are doing amazingly well.

Love to you and your family xx

Another sobbing here at the kitchen table. SO V V sad for you Mrs Y.
You sound such a wonderful person.
Benedict RIP.

foxinsocks Sat 19-May-12 23:32:53

Take your time MrsY xxx

MrsY Tue 22-May-12 12:48:22

Thank you both.

The last week has been much the same as before - good days and bad...

We're trying to make plans for the headstone, but each time we go to talk about it, one of us finds it too hard. Luckily, we don't need to make a decision too soon.

MrY has been up to the cemetery quiet a lot recently, and has been kept company by a single blackbird. I keep seeing single blackbirds too, and I did in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. I remember thinking "just goes to show the superstition is wrong - one can't be for sorrow because we're having our lovely boy soon".

I'm going up to the cemetery myself tomorrow, I need to speak to the chap up there about getting a bench next to his grave and planting flowers etc. I'm going to take a little camping chair so I can sit next to him and spend some proper time with him. FC the whether holds, as it's glorious today.

Love you, B. xxx

MOSagain Thu 31-May-12 16:10:18

MrsY, I just want you to know that you, J, M and Benedict are still in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs))) xxx

MrsY Thu 31-May-12 18:46:12

Thank you love.

Spent some time with him yesterday, just talking to him. Last Sunday we bombed a load of wild flower seeds around the borders of the grounds, under the trees, etc. Hope it rains a little so they can establish.

We're going to a SANDS group later today. It's a local meeting of others who have lost babies. I'm dreading going, in a way. It takes a lot of thinking and editing my posts so I can try and express how I feel. If I talk about Benedict tonight, I'll have to do it 'live' and it's going to be a real struggle. I'm also worried that I'll not be able to cope with listening to other people's stories. That there'll be too much grief and emotion, which is not an environment I'm comfortable with at the best of times.

But I want to see how it goes, and whether it might be positive and useful. MrY is not too keen, but I think he needs a place to vent.

Will come back later to update how it goes.

MOSagain Thu 31-May-12 20:02:44

oh sweetheart, thinking of you tonight. Of course it will be so very hard for you but you can do it. There is no right or wrong way, you must just say or do what you feel. Benedict will never be forgotten. Will be thinking of you and J and hoping that you get the support you both need there. If you need or want to talk afterwards you can ring me at any time, day or night. xxx

MrsY Tue 05-Jun-12 09:26:20

My darling boy, I miss you so much this weekend. Everywhere I look people are celebrating and enjoying the four day weekend. I wish you were here with us, and that I could take advantage of meeting up with family and friends to introduce you to everyone and show you off.

I wish I could see you and hold you in my arms, but I'll try and make do with holding you in my heart. I love you, always. Mummy. x

rosieposey Sat 09-Jun-12 13:46:47

Mrsy, so very heartbroken for you, j and m - it's at times like last weekend, or christmas or any high day and holiday not to mention any ordinary day that you must feel his loss most of all.

I have prayed for you all each day and kept you in my thoughts and I pray most of all that the coming months will be kinder to you and the pain will lessen. I know that probably seems unlikely but I really hope this happens for you all and that it gets a little easier to take pleasure in things and smile again.

There are only so many times someone can say sorry but there are many of us who really really are and wish this didn't ever happen to any mummy and daddy I really want you to know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I'm wishing you strength for the coming months and years - I am glad you have a place to be near Benedict but so very sad he can't be with you in person.

I will continue to pray for you yours - just want you to know that you are in my and my family's thoughts xxx

MrsY Sat 09-Jun-12 14:39:58

Thanks so much, rosie. I really hang on to the kind words, prayers and thoughts of others to give me strength. xxx

Mechavivzilla Sun 10-Jun-12 00:53:43

Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you all. Sending you as much love and strength as I can xx

MOSagain Sun 10-Jun-12 15:35:56

Thinking of you J and M today Mrs Y (((hugs))) xxx

Solo Mon 11-Jun-12 13:35:11

Goodness, I'm so sorry MrsY sad

Offering prayers for you all and for your beautiful Benedict.x

Be kind to yourself. Lots of love.xx

MrsY Sat 16-Jun-12 21:45:02

Hello my darling boy, missing you as always.

Poor daddy - it's Father's Day tomorrow and he will be missing you more than usual. I think he'll come and see you after he finishes work. Be with him and help him to get through the day. M has signed the Father's Day card from both of you.

Love you always. Love, like starlight, never dies. Mummy xxx

MrsY Mon 25-Jun-12 22:07:06

Oh my darling, I'm having such a tough day. I miss you so much, it physically hurts. We spent the weekend seeing friends, and I spent the whole time thinking of you. I wish you could be here so I could show you off and make all the other mummies jealous.

Your big sister was talking about you again, she calls you her 'invisible brother'. I hope that means you have been with her and she can feel your presence.

I love you so much, I can't wait until I can see you again - we'll spend eternity together. x

treedelivery Mon 25-Jun-12 22:51:20


MrsY Wed 27-Jun-12 15:04:56

Grief is a lake. Sometimes it is choppy and sometimes it is calm. But the water is deep and the water is cold. When you're thrown in, you are so shocked you don't feel the water, but you allow yourself to be taken by the current. You can try and tread water, but you'll never stay in once place for long. The water is so deep that you can't keep your head above water level. You are drowning. Then, you realise that if you stand on tip-toes, you can just stretch tall enough to breathe. It's hard and it's tiring, but you have to do it. You just keep praying that you're strong enough to keep standing on your tip-toes.

Darling Benedict. It's so hard to breathe without you. I recently read that every day I live is a day closer to living with you for eternity. Sometimes I feel so tempted to speed things up and be with you now. You should be with your mummy, you must be so scared. But my husband has lost his son, my mum has lost her grandson and my daughter has lost her brother, all of which I am responsible for. I can't be responsible for more loss and sadness. I hope that until I join you and hold you in my arms, you are happy and safe with our friends and family in heaven. I love you so much.

treedelivery Fri 29-Jun-12 22:30:57

You have a heavy heart my love. What a lot you are carrying.

Try to share your load where you can, your husband loves you and will want to share your load. Perhaps if you carry some of his grief and he some of yours, somehow the load will feel lighter.

I don't believe Benedict is scared you know. I think he is actually peaceful, resting and waiting. Bathed in golden light and warm breezes and unaware of time or space. You will have eternity with him, when the time is right. Until then keep a watch out for the golden light and warm breezes. Little reminders that eternity awaits you, when the time is right.

Now, you are needed here. You have some more work to do with your dd and your husband and your family. This is only a little time in comparison to eternity. Hang on and keep treading water. You will get stonger at it and the golden light and warm breezes will warm the water.

I hope you don't think I'm bonkers. The sunset shone in my window all evening and it made gold ripples on my wall. It is warm here today and the breeze has an almost tropical heat and softness to it. It has been a beautiful evening and I thought often of you and our other dear one who shared pain recently. xxx

mrsY I also see grief like water... for me, it comes in waves. Sometimes they are huge, and I go under, and they scare me with their force. Then they subside, and become more gentle, and I can bob along on the top. Sometimes I can feel the sun on my face. Sometimes the salt hurts my eyes. Below, the water always moves under me, taking me somewhere, a force of nature stronger than me. Like you, I look forward to arriving on a far shore where I know I will be with Mia again.

I also worried for a while that Mia was scared without me. But I kept on receiving little messages which told me she is still with us, in ways I cannot understand, but ways I now simply accept. In the same way, Benedict is with you, in the beauty of nature, in the song of the birds, in the smiles of his siblings. He will always be there, and he is a part of you. That, I can promise you.

MrsY Tue 03-Jul-12 14:49:12

Thanks both.

It's amazing how much the tone of my posts change when I read back. I can definately tell how high the water level was each time I posted.

MrsY Tue 10-Jul-12 08:49:10

We're on our holiday right now. Our lovely family holiday that we planned and booked with such excitement. It's lovely, but we should have our boy with us, he should be splashing in the pool and experiencing this happy time with us. I feel so guilty for carrying on and doing all the things that we should be doing with him, without him.

B, I love you so very much. I miss you always and will come and see you soon. xxxx

MrsY Mon 20-Aug-12 14:18:35

My darling boy. I miss you so much. All I want to do is curl up and be with you.

Oh, yes, I recognise that feeling... it is just impossible, isn't it? Such a small request, you'd think it would be so easy to fulfil. x

BabyBorn Sat 25-Aug-12 11:48:24

Mrs Y. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I read this and cried my eyes out. I had my dd on the 15th of April, so when I was giving birth you had already lost your son. I'm so so sorry. Life is very cruel. My thoughts are with you.


MammyToMany Sat 25-Aug-12 12:12:05

I am so so sorry for the list of your beautiful boy.

Your words have moved me to tears, I am thinking of you all xx

MammyToMany Sat 25-Aug-12 12:12:36

Loss not 'list' sorry.

MrsY Sat 25-Aug-12 12:31:11

Thank you both very much.

Mias, it's certainly a 'life's not fair' moment.

Benedict will always be with you. I hope the water becomes still and less choppy as time passes.
You write so movingly and beautifully about your peanut, he knew only love and comfort. He was special.
Thinking of you xxxx

MOSagain Sun 26-Aug-12 17:27:29

Thinking of you today MrsY and sending you lots of hugs. Also, just another reminder, it is nothing you did sweetie, it was just one of those horribly cruel things that sadly happen to wonderful people xxx

nkf Sun 26-Aug-12 17:31:15

Heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

MrsPoxY Tue 13-Aug-13 22:34:07


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