My friend just died today, I want to send a good bye text to her phone.... Crazy?

(45 Posts)
Flum Sun 11-Sep-11 00:05:55

that's it really, would it be horrid for husbands or kids h
Who will no doubt read it? Just want to say bubye and feels like the way. Is it wrong. Would just say miss you and bye bye that's all

I wouldn't, just because her family may read it and be upset. I'm sorry for your loss.

Vagazzled Sun 11-Sep-11 00:09:44

How about writing a letter and tying it to a balloon? Then you can say everything you would like to without worrying about causing upset with her family, you can also use the time as your very own personal Goodbye. Really sorry to hear about your friend xx

kerrymumbles Sun 11-Sep-11 00:10:44

very sorry for your loss sad

i wouldn't. have to think of those she left behind now.

Flum Sun 11-Sep-11 00:16:12

Mmmm that's why I haven,t. Indent suppose itbwill make them more upset than they are already but would make me feel better. probably wouldn't actually.

Her poor little kids, they had such a great Mum

kerrymumbles Sun 11-Sep-11 00:20:28

do you want to talk about her?

LadyDamerel Sun 11-Sep-11 00:21:16

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very hard.

My own personal feeling is that if you are going to send something that her dh/dc will read then send it to them. If you just want it to be personal, between you and your friend, then Vagazzled's note and balloon idea is best.

I lost my Grandpa a few weeks back and a very good friend of his wrote him a beautiful note, saying her goodbyes to him. She gave it to us as a family and it was the loveliest thing anyone did. It still makes me well up (in a good way) because it was so heartfelt and genuine. The other sad/happy things were the cards where people had written memories of him and what he had meant to them in their lives. It was amazing to read and realise what he did for different people and how much he had meant to them. I know we treasure those far more than the plain 'sorry for your loss, love xx' cards because they include a piece of him, iyswim.

ChippingIn Sun 11-Sep-11 00:23:07

I guess it depends doesn't it and as I don't know them it's hard to say.

I would have thought it was lovely and it wouldn't have upset me - well it would have, but in a 'Oh fuck I miss her & so does Flum' way not a 'that's not on' way if you know what I mean. I really don't think another text on the phone is going to be the thing that upsets her family right now sad

Big hugs - it's very, very hard to lose a friend

edam Sun 11-Sep-11 00:26:09

Very sorry to hear that.

Don't want to add to your woes, but please don't release a balloon. They do very serious damage. They usually end up in the sea, and are eaten by turtles who mistake them for jellyfish. Might not sound terribly relevant right now when you are in shock and desperately sad, of course, but balloon releases really are bad news for wildlife and the environment.

kerrymumbles Sun 11-Sep-11 00:30:10

didn't know that actually edam.

carpwidow Sun 11-Sep-11 00:31:00

My cousin died 2 years ago and I just cannot delete her from my contacts. Don't send a message to her phone though - will be too much for her family when alert tone goes off. I am so sorry for your loss.

Flum Sun 11-Sep-11 00:33:45

Am not sending a balloon? Just wee text? Oh god xxxxx bye bye! I miss you, love flum?

Have got a bee in my Bonnet about it? Would also send a card withnmy favourite xxxxx quotes as she wasone of he funniest ladies I have mate a real diamond of a girl

kerrymumbles Sun 11-Sep-11 00:36:17

you have to think about the family now. it would be upsetting to them

CaptainNancy Sun 11-Sep-11 00:36:30

I'm so very sorry for you and her family.

Flum Sun 11-Sep-11 00:39:10

Would it be upsetting? Have you lost a spouse or a mother? Would you find it upsetting?

WhatSheSaid Sun 11-Sep-11 00:39:48

No, please just send the card and write down some lovely things you remember about her. It will mean a lot to her dh and dcs (if not now, then in the future). Text could upset them and that's not what they need.

WhatSheSaid Sun 11-Sep-11 00:40:28

In answer to your question, yes, I've lost both my parents and I would have found it upsetting.

Iactuallylikeabigmac Sun 11-Sep-11 12:17:00

Just trying to think how I would have reacted if my late ds would have got a text after he had died...

I think it would have made me cry and wobbly, but I don't know whether I would have been cross with the sender. I just don't know. But what I do know is that the first few weeks and months are very very hard and anything that might upset your friends family unnecessarily should be avoided.

It's about them first and foremost, but I feel for you.

edam Sun 11-Sep-11 12:22:34

I think I would have found it very disturbing if someone had texted any of the people I have loved after their deaths. Contact the living and share their grief. Pass on your memories of their daughter or sister - that helps.

I do recognise the inability to delete dead people from your phone though - I have a couple of numbers in mine that I just can't get rid of. And I couldn't cross my Gran out from my address book - stopped using that book as it was just too painful to see her details in there.

carpwidow Sun 11-Sep-11 14:18:42

Iactuallylikeabigmac Thoughts with you - cannot get even close to imagining how it feels to lose a child.

magicOC Sun 11-Sep-11 18:27:51

Pls pls pls don't send a message to her phone. She is not there, she will not receive the text, her family members will. As sad as you feel and however much you want to say your bit, her grieving family left behind really matter right now.

Was she on FB?

When our really good friend died suddenly we left messages on her FB page saying what we wanted to say. It could be read by those who wished to read it. Her family were made aware of our messages and could chose to go and read them if they wished. They were forewarned about it. If you send the text, they will have no warning.

I've had experience both sides. I called my sister using my dads house phone, she freaked out when she looked at her phone and saw "dad house" on the screen. She immediately changed the caller id to the name of the street the house was in.

Sorry for your loss.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 11-Sep-11 23:45:08

dont do it

my darling hubby died nearly 5mths ago and a friend (and i use that term loosely) who was a bit of a pisshead sent one to dh phone after he knew he was dead and tbh it totally freaked me out

said something along the lines of take care and see you one day

one of my friends who was with me was going to (jokingly) send one back saying thanks for message - but obv didnt

point is, is that it upset me big time because whats the point of the 'friend' sending it, dh wasnt going to read it and the 'friend' obv knew i had his phone as was warding off calls from clients/customers as dh had his own business

and yes i still have dh no in my mobile phone and under ice and just cant delete him from phone

WorzselMummage Sun 11-Sep-11 23:50:43

Sorry to hear about your friend sad

A good friend of mine died suddenly at the beginning of august and we set a memorial page on Facebook for people to write on and load of people did so it's obviously quite a common thing to want to do.

I understand you feeling the need to text your friend, but if the family might get it and be upset maybe not the best idea. I do think the card idea or a letter (as someone else suggested) and either keep or give to the family would be lovely though.
I still have my dad's mobile no saved as that on my phone - it has been nearly 4 years now since he died. I can't delete him. Also, my mum had his voice on the answerphone and couldn't delete it - that did upset me one day though when it came on as I called and she didn't get to the phone on time. I have sent him "Happy New Year texts in the past and was rather taken aback to find his number had now been reused and I got a reply from a nice person who wished me a happy new year back.

lilyliz Mon 12-Sep-11 17:38:51

my DH died nearly 2 yrs ago and I cant delete him from my mob,I feel I would be deleting him from my life,but please don't send a message as the family would see it and it is upsetting as my nieces sent them to DH and I read them and wish I hadn't.

lookout Tue 13-Sep-11 21:43:24

I have to go against the grain and say it wouldn't have upset my family. My youngest brother was killed three years ago in a RTC and we did receive a couple of texts on his phone way after the court case was over and done with, and it was actually heart-warming to know people were thinking of him and still wanted to send him messages. But as someone up-thread said, without knowing the family it's difficult for any of us to make a judgement call. If you're not sure, it's best to avoid I guess, and send a card to them. They will definitely appreciate that.

Flum Tue 13-Sep-11 21:46:11

Well I didn't. And have sent a letter. And seen her husband and it is all desperately sad but well, it is and doubly sad because she was a Mummy but Of course I am fine just sad but he has the real deal to get through and my heart tightens just to think of this lovely family having to adjust ton life without her but they will and maybe I can helpnif even just a little.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 13-Sep-11 22:51:09

brother is different from spouse

i hope to god my brother never dies but if he did then yes maybe a text from a friend would be ok

but not as a wife/husband - its different - more brutal if that makes sense

TCOB Tue 13-Sep-11 22:59:50

I sent an email to my assistant after he died. I was sure nobody would read it (he was seperated from his wife and had no next of kin other than very elderly mother) but his ex did read it. She was really understanding and realised that I was totally mortified, but at the same time very gentle. I don't know why I did, other than that I was so angry and so sad that he was gone and because I kept his numbers and his emails in my address book, I just had this crazy moment of frustration that there are all these ways to contact someone yet when they are gone - none of them will work and you are on your own without them.

I am so so so very sorry for her family but also for your pain. You are not crazy, just desperately hurting, and I feel for you.

Crystalmom Tue 13-Sep-11 23:05:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My nan (who raised me) died nearly 3 years ago and I still have her number in my phone...
I hope writing a letter helped you express what you needed to say...

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 10:08:21

Blondes, with respect, as you have not lost a brother, please don't suppose it is any less brutal than losing a spouse.

Flum, I'm sure he appreciated the visit, and anything you can do to help, especially practically in the early days, will be good for him. I feel for you too, losing anyone we love is devastating.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 14-Sep-11 17:28:37

grief is grief - guess in my case, my brother is single so there isnt a wife to upset but obv parents and me

tbh i think a text message sent to anyone who is dead is just weird - but a letter is a much better idea as can write down emotions and then either post or just leave

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 17:53:31

You're absolutely right, grief is grief, and someone you love dying 'before their time' is always gonna be brutal. I guess it's horses for courses though, I sent my brother a couple of texts after he died. I still wanted to be able to talk to him, and even though i knew he wasn't gonna read them, I needed to do it. You do whatever you have to in that situation, I guess. smile

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 14-Sep-11 18:12:55

your brother so different - if i wanted to send mark a text i would

but to have a friend do it seems weird - dont know why - just does - but only my opinion smile

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 18:19:38

Why is it different if it's a friend or a sibling? Anyone could feel the way I did, ie. still want to talk to him, and would therefore want to send him a message. As you say though, just our own opinions! I hope, sincerely, you never have to be in that situation smile

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 14-Sep-11 18:34:27

i dont know tbh - ignore me lol - all i know is that when dh phone got a text from someone who KNEW he was dead - it freaked me

where as another friend sent a text the next day - saying along the lines, hope all is well - been away on holiday - just flown in, must catch up for a beer next week etc - and that was ok smile

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 18:50:44

No, you're entitled to your opinion. I can understand you being freaked out. A think similar happened to me on fb, my brother logged in to Chat even though he'd been dead for 3 months. Turns out it was my mum logging into his memorial page without realising about the Chat thing.

Sorry about your husband. I didn't realise. Now I'm blush.

Flum, sorry for the hijack too smile

MiniSis Wed 14-Sep-11 18:54:13

I know for a fact that my brother in law wouldn't have appreciated texts being sent to my sisters phone. I text her before I knew she had died and he got it and he cracked up (especially as the text was about someone else who died that day) He switched her phone off as he couldn't cope with her friends texting her (this was before they knew)

He cancelled her phone soon after anyway. I got moments of wanting to text or call to hear her voicemail but I didn't.

I am glad you chose a different way to deal with it. It is always such a hard siutation as grief makes people what to do weird things, but there is a bigger picture and other people that are grieving too.

Big hugs xxx

magicOC Wed 14-Sep-11 20:32:16

Lookout, FB can be freaky like that.

Only a few wks ago a friend posted some pics and this other friend who had died earlier this year, posted a comment and clicked "like".

Freaked lots of mutual friends out and made all of us jump (frantic texting/emails/messages). Contacted the owner of the pics and it turns out he had RE-LOADED them, and so all the comments etc from the 1st time around, remained.

Wishing in some way her brother would close down the FB account like he said he would, but, at the same time, it's nice to be able to go back and read.

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 22:17:20

magicOC, my mum was talking about closing down the account, but I like it being there. I said in another thread, it's a way of keeping him alive, nonsensical, but that's how it feels.

Flum, how are you doing?

Notsurehow Wed 14-Sep-11 23:39:23

It's a really tricky one and I think you did the right thing Flum,my rule of thumb is "if in doubt....don't".
My brother committed suicide last year and I set up a page on gonetoosoon for people to add their messages "to him".
I chose to look at his page when I felt able and yes it made me cry (we were incredibly close) but equally I LOVED the fact his friends took the time to write what they did.
I had his phone and I did on a few occasions have to contact his friends from it - the reverse of your situation and it freaked them out wink
I rang it and recorded his voicemail message as I knew it would be lost for ever - some people may think that's weird.
I can't bear to take his FB page down,occasionally people post messages to him which is actually lovely.
So,in essence,I think you did the right thing and I know how much I miss my best friend (my brother) so my thoughts are with you.

RattusRattus Thu 15-Sep-11 19:39:53

Did she have a Facebook page? I said goodbye to my friend via FB.

MissBetsyTrotwood Thu 15-Sep-11 19:52:14

My best friend died five years ago this Christmas. I still have her number in my phone.

I wouldn't contact her phone.

Is there anything else of hers you could hold or talk with?

Dillydollydaydream Sat 17-Sep-11 16:42:34

My cousin died in May and she still has her FB profile that family and friends send her messages on. On her birthday we all sent her birthday wishes, and we always tell her how wonderful she was and how much we miss her. Might be odd but I like to say hi and I'm thinking about her.

vogonmothership Sat 17-Sep-11 22:24:58

Flum, my fabulous Dad died on Tuesday. On Tuesday night one of his oldest friends texted his phone to say he loved him and would see him on the other side. Both my mum and I thought it was lovely. We were very drunk though and I have to admit I did text back to say 'I' loved him too. It made us chuckle at the end of a very dark day.

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