My baby daughter died. I want her back(673 Posts)
Hello, have been a regular poster since my eldest daughter was born 4 years ago. Never expected to be starting a thread in bereavement.
I was 35 weeks pregnant last week when I stopped feeling regular movements. A frantic dash to the hospital ended with an emergency c section after a scan showed she was showing signs of a viral infection. They thought we gone in time but when they took her out she was much worse than they expected. She died after about 40mins. We spent 2 precious nights with her before having to leave her there and come home for our other daughter.
I am numb. I can't stop shaking. I hate myself everytime I close my eyes I see 4 red words on a white background 'you should have known'
I just want her back - she shouldn't have even been born yet
Have a huge [hug].
Can I ask about her? What's her name?
(Don't want to pry. Just wondered if you wanted to talk about her)
Oh how absolutely awful, I can't offer any advice but I couldn't read and not reply
I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling.
You really couldn't have known though, you got to the hospital as soon as you could, you did your best for her.
Wish I knew what to say to help
So, so sorry to hear this.
Life is so unfair.
So sorry for your loss [more hugs]
It wasn't your fault and it will get better I promise you.
If you want to talk about her here we will listen. If you want us to hold your hand while you cry we will do that.
We are here for you.
I feel so sorry for you all. And yet, when you feel at your most alone, you are not and never will be.
There are are lots of people that you can talk to here is just one with a telephone counselling service.
You did your best for your daughter. No one could have done any thing more. Gentle hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter . Please don't blame yourself. Please.
Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss. What did you call her?
It's not your fault, it's not.
I am so sorry. It was not your fault. We would love to know about her if you feel able to share at the moment. What was her name?
I am so sorry for you and your family. As above, please, please don't blame yourself.
Very sorry indeed for your loss.
You couldn't have known. You did everything you could as soon as you realised there was a problem. You tried your best. You did, you really did.
Please be kind to yourself. (((hugs))) for you all.
I'm so sorry for your loss x x
Wow thank you. She was called Erin she was just over 5lbs and was a much longed for daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter and cousin.
It was just such a shock and so sudden. Id only had a growth scan 10 days before which showed no problem. She was moving the day before normally. I just want to know what happened to her inside me. How could I not have known she was dying we are having a post mortem done.
How quickly your like can change
I am so sorry, that is desperately sad.
Have you been to the SANDS website? I think there are some very supportive resources and forums there.
So very, very sorry. You couldn't have known though - you really couldn't.
Erin is a beautiful name.
If only we could predict things like this happening then no one would have to suffer such a horrible loss
You did your best for her, no one could have known how poorly she was.
Like you say, the scan a few days before showed nothing worrying, the drs did the c-section not knowing how poorly she was... how could you have possibly known?
Come and talk here when you need to, the good thing about MN is that there is always someone around to listen
Be kind to yourself ((hugs))
so very sorry to read about Erin.
Huge huge hugs, and thoughts, and prayers.
there is no way that you could know, I couldn't tell that there was a serious chance of it happening to one of mine.
Do not blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done.
I'm so sorry to hear about Erin. Be kind to yourself, it was not your fault in any way. You could not possibly have known.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try not to blame yourself
I'm so sorry whatevertheweather to hear of the loss of your baby daughter, Erin. I think you went to the hospital as early as you possibly could have known anything might be wrong, and so you were able to spend some precious time with her which you will treasure forever. It is so sad though Hugs from me too xxx
Erin is such a lovely name and I'm sure she is lovely. Did you take any photographs?
Erin is a really lovely name...and how could you know anything was wrong? You just couldn't. Obviously you did the absolute best for her. Please be kind to yourself.x
so very sorry about your beautiful Erin. I can second the recommendation to contact sands - the support they gave a friend of mine was incredible.
So very sorry to read your sad news. X
I'm so sorry. Please try to be kind to yourself. This is not your fault. Erin is a beautiful name for beautiful girl. I hope you get answers from the pm that help. Talk and cry as much or as little as you want. X
Our thoughts are with you and your family and your beautiful daughter Erin.
We have said a little prayer for you all xxx
Tears are rolling down my face as I read your so sad situation , I hope you get a little comfort from the messages here. xx
Am very sorry to hear this. It sounds as if you gave every chance and in her short life she will have known the comfort of your presence. You did your very best for her.
So sorry for the loss of Erin.
So very very sorry for you.
I see a lot of people recommending Sands to other people on here- I believe they do fantastic work with bereaved families as you are.
We support you here. Sending you massive hugs and embraces. Am so sad to hear such terrible news. You must be totally devastated and in awful shock.
God bless you little babe and know she is in the safe embrace and arms of Jesus,,,,,, safe and loved.
Sad tears for you whatevertheweather.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your lovely Erin. It would be impossible not to feel as if you should have done more, I know, but hopefully a big part of you will come to know that you did all you could for her. The time you were able to spend with her will, I'm sure, eventually help you a great deal in healing - you'll be able to share your memories with each other and your eldest daughter, too, when you are ready. In the meantime, we're all here if you want to just talk about her and grieve. Big <<hugs>>.
Oh love, i am so so sorry that Erin died
Blaming ourselves is natural. It may not be right, or accurate, but it's natural. But you know that you did everything you could for her, don't you?
I learnt a long time ago that it's not about finding the answers... it's learning to live with the questions that's the hardest thing, but i promise my lovely, that in time, you will.
It's still such early early days, and everything is so new and raw. The main thing you need to concentrate on right now is yourself. You need to focus on breathing and getting through every moment. Take it moment by moment, that's all you can do, my love.
Sending you and your family thoughts and much love.
Please know that there's always someone here ou can talk to - day or night, anytime.
So sad for you all. You did exactly the right thing going when you did. Don't make things more horrific for yourself by blaming yourself. She will always be with you in your heart. Life is so unfair. Tears for your little angel and hugs for her big sister and all of her loved ones. X
I'm so sorry for your loss There is no way you could have known, please be kind to yourself and know it's not your fault and there is nothing you could have done. (((hugs)))
Rest in peace, little Erin.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. There is no way you could have known. She was surrounded by love for the whole of her life - you gave her that. You did everything there was to be done.
Whatevertheweather - when you're ready, we are here for you x
I'm so sorry you had to go through this!
Erin is a lovely name! Be assured that your little girl knows that you love her very much!
Like people have said before, take it easy, step by step.
Lots of hugs! I will be praying for you!
Rest in peace beautiful angel
My DD is also called Erin, we will be praying for you all xxxx
I am so sorry about your baby girl Erin. Love from my family to yours,
I'm so very sorry please try to be kind to yourself Xxx
Whatevertheweather, it is so awful that your lovely daughter died.
You are not to blame and you really must believe that.
My sister had a daughter who also died this way. My sister got a lot of help from SANDS as others have mentioned. Please contact them when you can.
It is such early days, you will still be in shock so please try to let others look after you. My heart goes out to you and all your family.x
So very, very sad to hear about your precious little lady - Erin. xxx
I have walked the horrible crappy path you are beginning your journey on. No death so sad as that of a child. The early stages of grief for our precious children are so difficult - could I ask you (if you want to) to follow the link that Deemented put on this thread? A group of bereaved mums...we never judge each other, we cry, laugh, swear, scream and remember together - when one of us feels down and in need of help everybody rallys around. If you dont want to post but just want to read through thats fine as well. The support I have gained from these special ladies over the last few years has been amazing.
Please believe me when I say that you did everything you could. You couldn't have known what was going to happen. It is obvious from your post that your little girl was much loved. Sending my love from Lancashire xxxxxx
So sorry to hear about Erin.
I am in tears reading your lovely lovely messages. Thank you so much.
We have just got back from the funeral directors - it was awful, we are not using them they didn't even ask Erins name seemed as if they felt she was not a real person because lived such a short time. I do not trust them to take care of my precious girl. We have an appointment elsewhere tomorrow. It's awful as my elder dd starts her first day at school the week after next and would really like Erin laid to rest before then.
Oh god I ache to hold her again. My milk came flooding in yesterday but no baby to feed She never even opened her eyes I just wish she'd seen us once. I can't sleep thinking how terrified she must have been in those 30mins.
Thank you Shabba and Deemented - I will certainly be reading that thread. I'm sorry for your losses too.
We are lucky we have amazing RL support but no-one (luckily) who really knows what we are going through. We took over 100 photos of her but already seems like not enough.
So desperately sorry for your loss
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Wishing you the strength to make it through the coming weeks and months and beyond x
What an awful, terrible tragedy. Am thinking of you. xx.
Oh I am so so sorry and sad for you, sending love xxx
I am so sorry to read about Erin's death. How terrible for you all. Please don't hate yourself. Any one of us could have been in your shoes and you did what you could.
Erin knew your heartbeat every day of her little life. She will have felt your love and she died wrapped up in it. I don't think she will have been scared. She will have been very poorly and sleepy but not scared as we would understand it. So sorry the funeral directors were unhelpful. You are absolutely right to go with another firm. Have you had any contact from the hospital chaplain? They are usually very experienced with parents who have lost little ones and can be very helpful in making arrangements.
So very sorry for your loss . Erin is a lovely name.
I have no advice to give , have not been in your situation but just wanted to say how sorry I am .
I hope you have your answers soon as to what happened.
Oh, whatevertheweather, I am so very sorry.
You couldn't possibly know. And the time you spent with Erin was so very important. Even if your beautiful girl never got the chance to see you, she would've known your voice and your touch.
My heart breaks for you and your family
Im so sorry for you and your family. It is so unfair.
I lost my little boy 3 months ago and things were completely unreal then. Its really really not your fault at all - you wouldnt have hurt her. Ive found a lot of help from SANDS. Also follow the links above - it helps to talk to others.
Take care xx
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter -
Sending you and your family love and strength.
My tears and prayers for you and beautiful Erin. You did all you could to help her. Thinking of you and your family x
I'm so sorry
Please don't blame yourself. It makes no sense but no one was to blame.
It does get easier. It never goes away but the pain disipates. You wont believe me now but there will be a time when you wake up and don't feel like you have been punched in the stomach.
SANDS are an amazing organisation and have provided me with enormous comfort since I lost my little boy 25 mths.
Wishing you well.
She still is a niece, grandaughter etc - my neice Georgie was born sleeping nearly 14 yrs ago now - she is still in our hearts and lives x
I'm sorry for your loss. Erin is a lovely name. I'm glad you took so many photos, it's always been a regret of mine that we didn't take enough when our DS died. I'll be thinking of you in the coming weeks.
Oh my love I am so so sorry Words just aren't enough but I will light a candle for Erin xxx
I'm so sorry to read this, how absolutely devastating
Wishing you peace and strength now, and for the future
God bless, Erin x
My thoughts are with you and your family. You are suffering something a parent should never have to suffer. Life doesn't seem fair.
Whatever the weather. Tears in my eyes for you and your family. What a much loved and longed for little girl, how lucky she is to have a mummy like you - because you are and will always be her mummy and she will always be your little girl.
Well done you for looking after her interests so well, and you are absolutely right not to use that funeral company if they are not showing the correct and appropriate level of care and understanding.
It's very early days. Be stong. You are in a tunnel right now, and i am glad you have family to cling to. Of course 100 photos will never be enough but she will be in your hearts and minds forever.
Love to you.
So sorry for the loss of your daughter Erin. Please don't blame yourself. I wish you strength & peace xx
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sending you lots of hugs. Hopefully you find someone you trust to organise Erin's funeral. Hugs.
Oh God, that is just so incredibly unfair. I usually don't open threads like this because I can't bear to hear about such sorrow.
I just want you to know it was not your fault in any way,of course it wasn't. You could never have known. And you acted really quickly to try and help your baby.
It sounds like you have a lovely family around you,who are also missing Erin.
I am so terribly sorry for you all. Much love to you xxxx
She died wrapped in you, with your warmth and heartbeat to comfort her, she was not alone.
Imogen that is lovely.
So sorry for your loss xxxx
So sorry for what you are going through. You did all you could do and Erin deserves much more respect than she was shown from the funeral directors and so do you. I do hope you can find someone in RL to truly empathise and support you, but each of us feels desperately sad for you. With much love to you all.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely Erin . Be gentle on yourself.
So sorry for your loss. Will be preying for you and your family in this dark time.
So sorry - praying - can't type properly for tears.
I am so so incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved daughter Erin. It was not your fault, in anyway, although I can totally empathize with you thinking it is.
My DS2 died 4 years ago, he stopped moving and by the time I got to the hospital he had died. It was truly horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.
I wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away, sadly I know there isn't, but I am thinking of you and your beautiful girl.
I am so sorry that you have lost Erin, I can't imagine how earth-shattering this must be for you and your family.
It was absolutely not your fault. You did exactly the right thing to get checked out and that gave your precious daughter the beautiful gift of a life spent being cuddled, snuggled and warm, next to loving parents who adored her.
Prayers for you all. Families are together forever.
oh whatever... I have been there.. my first little boy was stillborn at 39.5 weeks after the same dash you made...
I beat myself up for years thinking I should have known or gone sooner or made the hospital do more etc but I came to see and you will too (eventually) that it wasnt your fault
Absolutely find a funeral director that cares about your baby girl... its one of the few things you can do now for Erin
I echo Dee's and Shabs's words that you will be made very welcome on the bereaved mummies thread. Hopefully you will find some comfort and help especailly in the weeks and months ahead when everyone else seems to move on whilst your world has still stopped
In the meantime be kind to yourself and take time to grieve
How is your older daughter coping??
I love the name Erin, it was on our list of girls names. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you are feeling
I suspect you think you could have got to the hospital earlier; did you have a nagging feeling that something was wrong before you went in perhaps? Whatever happened, it sounds like you and the doctors did everything they could and an hour or two either way would not have made any difference. It's desperately unfair I know and I really hope that the PM gives you some kind of answer.
I hope you have supportive people around you and feel free to talk this way with them as well.
I am so sorry.
Erin is a beautiful name.
Oh no whatevertheweather you poor love. Please don't blame yourself please don't. You couldn't have known, you didn't know. If you had you would have saved her but it's not like that very sadly..
These first few weeks and months are just a blur, painful and terrible. Take each minute as it comes and just try to get through them. Lean on anybody will help.
I'm so sorry.
whatevertheweather I just wanted to add my condolences to your poor baby. It's such a cruel thing. Be good to yourself. You feel your job was to take care of her and nourish her and that no one else could do that, but these bad things happen and to good people too and your body would have done all that it could. If only is a common thought and sadly we can't go back.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sending our love to any here who have experienced similar pain. I can't think of anything worse. Difficult to know what to say but good to see so many people here expressing their concern for you Wtw
Really sorry for the loss of baby Erin.
Erin was so loved, she can't have failed to feel it. She wasn't afraid. My hear aches for you all, I hope you find the right people to lay Erin to rest. x
Erin is a beautiful name, and you love her. I'm so sorry you didn't get to spend more time together. peace and love to you.
I am so, so sorry.
Erin is a beautiful name.
Just adding my condolences too, whatevertheweather.
Life is just too unfair for words sometimes.
Erin is a beautiful name for your much loved baby girl.
I really hope you find a meaningful and memorable way to lay her to rest and to remember her by always.
Much love and strength x.
Just said a prayer for you, baby Erin and your family. I'm so sorry. One minute at a time, one hour at a time xxx
Jus found this thread and having a weep for you and your family. My friend has a DD called Erin who is tall and beautiful and strong.
Please do not blame yourself, there is no way you could have known anything was wrong.
Life is so fragile isn't it?
We thought really hard about the pm as didn't want to put her through anything more than she already had but the consultant encouraged us to as they were also shocked at what happened given we'd had the scan just 10 days before. The hospital were amazing and could not have done any more.
We bathed her and changed her in to a prem baby outfit and coat my sister bought her. Dp said she looked like a polar explorer going off on a expedition with her little blue teddy snugs who we left with her. She was so beautiful. I slept with her on my chest all through Friday night which I will treasure forever.
Our other dd seems to be really struggling which is a big worry. I thought perhaps given her age (4.5) she might not feel it but she is very very tearful over small things and she is not normally a tearful child. She gets very upset if asked to make a decision like which biscuit would you like or what game shall we play. She has talked about Erin though and seems to understand she is gone. She did come to the hospital and was so wonderful with her baby sister - cuddling her, playing with her toes and singing to her. She said to me just tonight 'I want my baby sister back. Baby Erin was our family' We are trying not to really break down in front of her but she has seen us cry. I am especially trying not to cry if she mentions Erin as I don't want her to not talk about her because it makes mummy cry. I still need to go and buy her school uniform. I was supposed to start maternity leave this week and thought I had lots of time.
Does anyone know of any good organisations to speak to about dealing with child grief? I just want to do the very best for her and I am at a loss on how best to handle it.
Appt with new funeral director booked tomorrow. The one today ought to be closed down - after asking us if we were going to 'bother' with a service before the burial she then offered us a Renault scenic with the middle seats down to take Erin to the church as a traditional hearse would be too big I just had to walk out I felt like screaming at her Erin was here and she deserves to be treated with respect!
Sorry for ultra long post my head is swimming with thoughts.
A million thank you's for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers.
whatever I'm so sorry to hear about Erin.
I want to echo the invite to the bereaved Mummies thread when and if you ever feel ready.
We understand. We never judge and you can say it as it really is. Some of my darkest thoughts have come out there!
The guilt is overwhelming, over a year on for me and I still struggle with it often. My DD Anabelle was born sleeping at 32 weeks - she been quiet and I wish I'd gone in the night before instead of waiting until the morning, I often wonder if they would've been able to save her, she died overnight.
The Sands forum was also a real sanctuary for me in the early months.
I really hope the funeral directors tomorrow are better. Its shocking, but we also found the same as you. The first people my husband spoke to over the phone did not handle us gently at all, but the 2nd company I cannot fault.
Sending love xx
Whatever - so sorry to hear of your loss, my heart goes out to you. As many others have said you did everything you could for her, and in days to come I am sure you will be glad of all the photos and the time you spent together. No Mummy could have done more. It also sounds like you are doing all the right things for your other little girl. I think you should follow your instincts, however when my Dad died recently my mother in law said not to be afraid to let my daughters see me cry as it would show them how much he meant to me.
I am glad you have found a more supportive funeral director. XXXX
So sorry to hear of your loss whatevertheweather and so sorry that you had such an awful experience at the funeral directors.
I know it is hard not to blame yourself, but as I am sure the hospital have told you, you are not to blame. You did the right thing to go in as soon as you stopped feeling regular movements, that is all you could have done.
SANDS is an organisation good for helping with the loss of a child link here.
Have you got any close family that you can call on to help you manage the practical aspects of daily life in these early days, you know to help buy your DD's school stuff, cook, clean, take DD out to the park for a bit so that you can have time to grieve?
Both my cousin's wife and SIL have lost babies, one stillborn and another to cot death, I am sure if they could give you any advice it would be to be really gentle with yourselves and allow yourself to cry when you feel safe to do so. I know they both still miss their children, but they are now doing ok, taking each day as it comes and you will too with time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you x
How terrible. I am so very very sorry for your awful loss of gorgeous Erin
When my twin baby boy died (7 months old) his twin brother would wave at the wall and smile and he was very, very noisy - much more than normal. He (they) are now almost 30 years old and he says if I had never told him about his brother he would have known anyway. Says he always feels a part of him is missing. When my DS3 was knocked down and killed (7 years old) my surviving twin once again became loud and a little manic. He was 10 years old then and has never got 'over' loosing his little brother.
A neighbours little boy called at our house the day after DS3's accident. He was the same age as your little girl. My DS3 used to call him 'snotty Simon' for obvious reasons. He came in the house and said 'What happened to Matt - my Mum wont tell me.' I told him as simply as I could and he was sad.....then within minutes he said 'Can I have his new football boots cause he wont need them now!!' Young children do see things in black and white....they are the lucky ones...they dont wallow in the grey area that we do. Never worry about crying in front of your little girl - it wont harm her in any way. If you think you are going to cry just say something like 'Oh here I go again, I feel sad but I want to keep talking about Erin.' You will be teaching her such a valuable lesson - that it is just fine to show emotion. Tell her the truth according to her age - never fib because children know instantly.
Take care - holding you and your family close tonight. Im not sure what I feel about 'heaven' but I know that my boys will be watching out for Erin and will keep her safe. xx
i am also truly sorry,its so awaful and unfair i cannot imagine how you must feel.This happened to my Mum/brother when i was 12,i have never forgotten it.
Winstons Wish is an organisation that helps children with bereavement,give them a ring they are fantastic.
Shabba so sorry to hear about your 2 precious ds'es. Your post just made me smile for the first time today though - snotty Simon wanting your ds' football boots reminded me of the first thing dd said at the hospital just after we explained baby Erin wouldn't be coming home with us - quick as a flash 'well what about all that stuff we bought her, what a waste of money!!' out of the mouths of babes.
Manic is a good word for her behaviour totally hyper or uncontrollably sobbing. Very unusual for her. Luckily she is very articulate for her age so hopefully we will be able to keep on top of how she is feeling.
Thank you for the advice re winstons wish I will look them up x
whatevertheweather I am so sorry your baby daughter Erin died. I have said a little prayer for her and your family.
You couldn't have done any more than you did please do not blame yourself.
I'm also so sorry the funeral direction treated your family and Erin with such little respect and regard.
I hope you will let others look after you in the next few days and weeks wtw
Let others help you with practical things, and give yourself some time and space for grieving. Let others help you in caring for DD1 also. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.
So very sorry you are having to go through this. It is so cruel [ Did your little girl have a name? xxxx My friend in RL is going through this too and I can't imagine the heartache that you are experiencing at this time. I just couldn't say nothing.
Lots of love to you all xxx
So sorry I see you called her Erin, which is a beautiful name xxx Saying a prayer for you all xxxx
Are there Irish or Welsh influences wtw ? - I've been looking up her name and it's meaning.
Juggling - no links to ireland or wales. we had 2 girls names picked Erin or Imogen (we hadn't found out beforehand that she was a girl). But when we saw her Erin just seemed to be the right name for her. As well as meaning from Ireland it means Peace which just seemed appropriate x
So sorry that you are dealing with this and have lit a wee candle for Erin, a slightly bigger one for your eldest DD and a great big one for you and your DP.
Take care during what must be a truly horrible time and please do what others have said and accept help. Years on my friends claim they ate better following the loss of their own DD than they have before or since with all the food drops people were doing - it was the only way we knew of letting them know we cared and were thinking of them all the time.
Good luck with your appointment I'm sure I'm not alone in having fingers and toes crossed that you get treated with respect and Erin gets promised the dignity and gravitas that she deserves.
So sorry that you had such an awful experience with the first funeral director! Am beyond at the treatment you received and perhaps later, you might consider putting in a formal complaint about it. Of all places, they should know to be considerate of the bereaved person's feelings and that woman sounds a callous moo! for you.
I really hope that you have a better experience tomorrow - I'm sure you will.
My mind keeps playing tricks on me - I keep thinking I can feel her kicking and wriggling inside me.
I can't sleep the post mortem is being done tomorrow on her teeny body. I just pray we can find out what happened to her.
I am terrified that they are going to lose her in that huge hospital and we will call to arrange for her to be collected and no-one will know where she is.
A newborn baby shouldn't be alone so far from her mummy
Ah lovely, they won't lose her. Keep her in your thoughts, wrap her in your love and she will know, wherever she is, that her mummy loves her and is thinking of her all the time.
Feeling so sorry for you and your family Tears running down my face thinking of you. Erin sees you, I'm sure of that, she is watching you... and I'm sure she is very proud of her mum... Think you are being incredibly brave and strong choosing another funeral director and not going with the first, I really hope you have a better experience tomorrow. Your poor dd1, I think you should cry as much as you want in front of her, I think it is a normal reaction and she needs to know that she can cry too whenever she wants. Thinking of you sleeping with Erin on your chest is so poignant and I think you are amazing. You and your family are in my thoughts... xxx
so so sorry to hear about your beloved daughter Erin, whatever
thinking of you, your DH and your DD1
hugs from the other side of the world
Been awake for hours trying to think of fitting songs for her funeral. It's so hard. Might have 'Baby Mine' by Bette Midler from Dumbo as one of them. I used to sing it to dd1 when she was small x
Is it a church or secular funeral? Do you want hymns as well or not?
Would Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven be too much to bear?
It's a catholic church service but not a full mass. I had thought of tears from heaven too but not sure. Dd1 wants it's a hard knock life from Annie! She used to sing it to my tummy. We would like one hymn bur not all things bright and beautiful.
Amazing Grace maybe?
Love Divine is a great piece but more often used for weddings.
Abide with me breaks my heart, as does the Lord is My Shepherd (very popular for funerals)
I found this website while looking for baby-appropriate hymns - it didn't have much to offer on the hymn side but you might find some of the other information useful.
G'morning, Whatever. I hope last night passed as well as it could for you.
I think it's absolutely right that you find a funeral directors that will look after Erin as they should - i too am aghast that the first place treated you so appalingly. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that too.
I understand your feelings about wanting a hearse for her - when Ciaran died we were encouraged to have a smaller car with the middle seats down. And in the end thats what we went with as i simply didn't have the energy to fight it anymore. I can say though, that although i remember every inch of his casket, i cannot remember at all the journey to the cemetry, so in the end it didn't matter how he got there. But you absolutely need to do what you feel is right for you, and for Erin.
Can i suggest one thing though, and this piece of advice was given to me by a lovely midwife who had lost her own baby daughter soon after birth. Even if you think you've said your goodbyes to Erin, please make time to go and see her just once more, because after the funeral it will be too late. Even if you think you can't, or don't want to, just make an appointment perhaps for the night before the funeral, and even if you don't keep it, the option will be there for you. We'd had Ciaran with us for two days after he had died and then we said goodbye to him. It was nearly two weeks then before his funeral, but we went to see him the day before, and for us, it was the best thing we could have done. And honestly, he didn't look any different to when we'd last seen him, other than the funeral directors had dressed him as we wanted and he was surrounded by soft toys and photographs of those that loved him.
Again though, it's entirely down to you - i just wanted you to know that it could be an option for you.
Sending much love and strength to you x
I am so sorry to read your posts - you are a brave and wonderful mother who loves her daughter so much. You did everything you could for her.
The funeral director sounds awful, I can't believe they would be so insensitive. I'm glad you are going with another one.
It might be an idea to set up a tribute page to Erin. There is some info here - www.tommys.org/Page.aspx?pid=696
Sending lots of love to you and your family.
If it means a lot to your daughter you could do "Tomorrow" from Annie, maybe? Sorry if that sounds stupid, just an idea that struck me.
I am so sorry to hear about Erin. You're right, she was here and she matters. Again, I'm so, so sorry.
Have been thinking about you all night....just lay quietly in bed remembering the 'early days' after loosing my sons and thinking how lucky I am to still have two sons. Must admit to wandering into my 14 year old DS4's bedroom in the early hours. He had fallen asleep with his glasses on and I suspect he had not long since finished on his laptop. I never thought the sun would shine again for us, as a family, DS4 was our 'big suprise!!' He was born just before my 41st birthday.
I like your DD choice of 'hard knock life' I remember one of the ladies on the bereaved Mums thread had the music from 'Night garden' played for her DD at the funeral. I, personally, am going to have 'Dont stop me now' by Queen!
Sending my love to you xx
So sorry to here of your family's loss x
At my friend's son's funeral 'Precious Child' by Karen Taylor-Good was played. It was beautiful.
I think whatever would be meaningful to you and your family and your love for Erin would be just fine.
Your sons are gorgeous Shabba ...I like the picture of your twins with their dad. May of '82 is when I was born.
Wishing you love and strength from across the pond, OP.
I don't know if any of the people on the thread have linked you to this thread yet - you might not be ready for it but they are there when you need them.
They may have some suggestions for funeral songs for little Erin.
Me too have been thinking of you last night and early this morning.
I know the feeling so well of phantom kicks and your mind playing tricks on your body. It is a way of your mind/body letting you know it's grieving and telling you that you became a mother even though you can't hold Erin in your arms!
We had a lovely song on our little girl's funeral which is called Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good, you can find it on this website
One of the hymns we had was Father I place into your hands.
We're all here for you if you need us! Just give us a shout!
love, strength and prayers are being send your way!
I've never posted here but was prompted to by another thread.
You poor poor love, I have been crying reading this. I can't imagine what you are feeling, apart from the tragic death of your DD, you have also had a CS.
Do be kind to yourself and know that there are many people thinking of you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine for a minute how you feel.
You could not have known, and did all you could. Please don't blame yourself.
The man who wrote Abide with Me wrote it as he was dying. I think it's a beutiful prayer of a hymn. 'Help of the helpless, O abide with me.' - very applicable to your situation.
Woke up this morning and immediatly thought of you. I'm sorry you struggled to sleep.
How about 'Somwehere over the rainbow' at the funeral? I did have a smile at your DD1 choice of 'It's a hard knock life'. It's a catchy tune!
haven't caught up with this since last night and am rushing out now but just wanted to send my heartfelt condolences to you weather. So sad that little Erin died, My baby niece was born sleeping 5 years ago now and it's a dark dark time.
My heart goes out to you, lots of great advice and hopefully some comfort on this thread for you already.
Huge huge hugs to you. xxx
I too, was thinking about you last night and this morning. My heart truly goes out to you.
I do hope that the funeral director today treats you and Erin with the respect and sensitivity you all deserve.
You are in my thoughts. xxx
I am so, so very sorry for your loss, I wish I had the words to say how sad I am for you and your family. My deepest sympathies to you all.
Erin is a beautiful name. One of my all time favourites.
Please take care of yourself xxxxxxxx
Dear wtw, as you've been thinking about songs for Erin I thought I'd mention one of my favourites, the Quaker song "How can I keep from singing ?"
It starts "My life flows on in endless song, above Earth's lamentations ..."
And has many other lovely words and a beautiful tune eg. "Since love is Lord of heaven and Earth ..." There are several lovely versions to listen to on Youtube, especially those by Enya.( A Celtic feel too which suits her name ?) I hope perhaps you can have "It's a hard knock life" from Annie too for both your DD's. That seems very appropriate to me especially if someone says that DD1 used to sing it to DD2 when she was a bump. With much love, Juggling x
- I'm also fond of "Oh God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home."
So sorry for your loss. Erin is a lovely name. The poem below is one that i read at a child bereavement service. It seems to coveer how us bereaved parents feel.
This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime.
No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down from the shelf
No time to sing the song of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime.
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love , only love , in your lifetime
We had 'Lord of the Dance' for Matts service...because he used to sing 'I am the Lord of Gods settee' AND thats what everybody sung!! xxx
I'm so sorry about your beautiful DD Erin.
Life can be so, so cruel.
Another good one is "The day thou gavest Lord ..."
( To Thee our morning hymns ascended, thy praise shall sanctify our rest )
I googled "Evening hymns, popular" and it took me to a good church hymns web page. I'm so glad to hear of your plans for the service. I hope that it will be a great support to you all.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have been sitting here sobbing reading through all the lovely messages everyone has left for you.
My best friend is going through exactly what you are going through now. Her beautiful DS Alfie was born and went to sleep an hour later on Saturday.
I hope that Erin (beautiful name BTW) gets the send off she deserves. I'm sure her very brave Mummy will make sure of that.
Life is so cruel. Sending big hugs to you, your family and your little angel in the sky.
Whatever, I have only just seen this, I am so sorry
I ahve noa dvice to give but can see the lovely ladies from the beareaved mothers thread have found you. Massive hugs xx
whatever - been thinking about you all morning - so glad you are here.
On the subject of songs, the one juggling mentions has a gorgeous version by Eva Cassidy. It has the feel of Amazing Grace, I think, and is very joyful and spiritual at the same time. Eva Cassidy's Songbird is also beautiful:
'For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining'
I always think of place where there is golden sunshine and no sorrow when I hear it.
I hope the funeral director today will be able to understand and give you what you need for your darling daughter.
So so sorry for your loss. I am another who has sadly experienced the loss of a child. For our DD's funeral we had 'even though you're gone' by Angelis.
Sending love and strength to you all xxxx
I am so very sorry.
Would you be able to bring her home today for a bit if you are worried about her being away from you?
I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Erin.
Thinking of you and your family. I hope you can find a director who will help you give your Erin a beautiful, dignified and loving service. The most moving song I have ever heard at a funeral was Barbra Streisand, "Somewhere".
There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to look, time to care,
There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're halfway there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Whatevertheweather I am so sorry for the loss of your baby daughter Erin.
Take as many pictures as you can and give her as many cuddles as you can; footprints, handprints, cast, a lock of hair all will become so precious to you. I could not cope with looking at mine in the immediate aftermath but now go to them occasionally and can look at them with sadness but not such overwhelmingly sobbing grief.
Please remember you have done nothing wrong, you have tried your best for baby Erin and there was nothing more you could have done for her.
There is some useful information on the old thread I am linking to below. Take care and be gentle with yourself.
funeral information old thread
I'm so, so sorry to hear of your devastating loss Whatever. Have just been reading through this thread and am sat here with tears pouring down my face. Beautiful Erin was lucky to have you as her mummy.
I hope the funeral director today manages to give you and Erin the support and respect you both deserve. I will be thinking of you and your family xxx
So very sorry for your loss whatevertheweather. Erin is a beautiful name. I hope the funeral directors you see today are more supportive and respectful. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers and I will log a candle for Erin at mass this weekend. God bless.
Just wanted to say how desperately sorry I am. An absolutely beautiful name, and don't take any sh*t from funeral directors, you'd think in their line of business they'd have sensitivity and kindness down to a tee, clearly not.
Just a quick message to say thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I have read this through so many times and every post is an enormous comfort to me - more than you could know.
Me and dp have just spent a tearful few hours listening to songs and sorting the best photos to send to my sister in Canada. Think we have decided on Somewhere and Baby Mine just want one more. Your suggestions have been an enormous help.
Erin's grandad has written the most beautiful poem/story/eulogy to read in the service. I will post it later it's perfect.
Off to the funeral directors now and can't get out of my head Erins pm is today. My brave girl I hope they are gentle with her.
Thank you all again - if I can take anything from this horrendous experience it is that there are just so so many good, kind and amazing people in the world. I just wish this didn't have to have happened to make me realise that x
Sorry meant to say charl2503 - please pass on my heartfelt sympathies to your friend. She will need you right now.
If she has any photos and you feel able, ask to see them. I'm afraid to show people unless they ask as im conscious people may not want to see them but i like showing them because I am proud of her. She may feel the same x
Whatever, if you want to post them on your profile, it would be lovely to see them. CheeseandGherkins, who was sadly in a very similar position to you around Christmas time last year, posted pictures of her little Scarlett and she was beautiful.
Doing a pm on a newborn baby must be the hardest thing for a coroner to do. I'd like to believe that someone going into that line of work would be of a compassionate nature.
i would love to see a photo of Erin, and would imagine that most people would be delighted to see your lovely wee girl.
Whatever....if it helps,do it. I can only imagine how beautiful she was xxxx
I'm so sorry for your loss. Words just cannot convey how sorry. x
Whatevertheweather I am so so sorry for your loss of your daughter Erin. I am another one of the mums on the bereaved mums thread that was linked to earlier. My son died very suddenly and unexpectedly aged 2, two and a half years ago... At the time my older son was 4.5. I did chuckle when I read your older daughter's choice of song for the funeral - There are no rules for planning a funeral - if it feels right for your family then go for it. I found planning Gregor's funeral sooo important. Many of my older son's friends came along (if it felt right for their families for them to do so) and somehow that helped many of the adults including my DH and I get through the day.
Winston's wish helpline were amazing and helped with specific practicalities of helping our older son. How to explain cremation to a four year old? What to tell him? How much to tell him? etc etc... We gave our older son the choice to see his brother after he died and he wanted to.
Please PM me if I can be of any help/support.
Thinking of you and yours, Love n hugs PPM xxxx
Dear Whatevertheweather, I am so truly sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful girl Erin. The songs you have chosen for her funeral are just beautiful, perfect.
There are a couple of charities I know of which specifically help children who have been bereaved - Winston's Wish and SeeSaw. I think Winston's Wish offers online and telephone support although it is based in Gloustershire (and that's where support groups are held). SeeSaw is based in Oxfordshire and I think help support children in that area. Cruse also offers some excellent help and advice for children. And for adults.
So devastating for you. I hope that this undertakers are more sympathetic than the other one you saw. I would also write to complain tbh, in your own time.
All the love in the world to you, your DH your DD1 and your beautiful Erin xxx
Both my boys had PM's. My DS3 donated his corneas and I saw him before they took him to theatre and then after. Please believe me when I say they had been very gentle with him - he looked exactly the same as he did before the donation. My twin baby was also treated with great care and tenderness. He looked no different either. I have also been a cleaner at our local childrens hospital....one of my jobs was to clean the mortuary the whole of one wall was filled with thank you cards and pictures and teddies from parents who had appreciated their gentle care...Erin will be treated with great care and respect xxxx
Whatevertheweather you are an amazing woman; lucky lucky dd1. I hope today you in find a funeral director who will do the right thing by all of you and your beautiful dd2, Erin.
I can't imagine your pain but I am holding you all in my thoughts today.
whatever my neighbour and good friend is a pathologist. He said they find it heartbreaking themselves having to PM a child and newborns are the worst. He assures me they are gentle and also said they are thorough as they understand the need for bereaved parents to have some answers. He said the 'why'' is often as big a cloud as the 'loss' for parents.
Lovely choice of songs for the service. One of my favourite songs is 'somewhere'.
What about this Faith Hill There you'll be
hi whatever thats shocking what your undertaker said.
We didnt know what to do as we felt no-one had met Fraser and to hold a full blown funeral in the church wasnt appropriate
they suggested something christian at home. So it was just the family and the minister for a very personla service where we all got to say what we wanted
As there wasnt many of us we didnt have hymns but my aunt played some hymns on the piano and recorded them to tape for us. We played them as they were taking all the flowers to the cars
we had jesus bids us shine and jesus loves me and an irish blessing. We didnt expect anyone to sing but all the grandparents stood up with tears running down thier cheeks and sang jesus bids us shine.. still brings to tears to my eyes wen I remember
We were told that they thought his little coffin would be lost in the hearse ..we could have it if we wanted but they suggested he ride in the limo with us on his own seat..thats what we did
its ok for you to cry in front of Erin's big sister.. it will reassure her thats its ok for her to cy too
take care we are all here for you
Hello WTW, the blanket thread is well underway the response is amazing.
At dd's funeral we had the first part of this song dp carried her into the service with it playing www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhYs4Ojlt_0
it is not everyone's choice but dp used to sing it to her when we were in ICU with her and although it is a rock song the first bit is quite soft and beautiful.
Ah, Frasersmummy, that's lovely. Jesus bids us shine was one I was trying to remember earlier and couldn't - such a lovely little hymn, used to sing it in Sunday School.
Sorry,I don't to post inappropiately,but what is a 'Blanket thread'?
Comewhinewithme thank you
What a lovely thing to do!
whatever I can't begin to imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss and words just aren't enough.
Your beautiful daughter will always be with you.
Sending you love and hugs for you and your family
I have only donated wool for magic and am going to donate some for Erin too, I can't knit but think the blanket ladies are amazing.
Wtw, I'm so sorry for your sad loss.
I haven't read every post on here, just yours.
I wanted to say that I'm sure your beautiful Erin was not afraid at all as she was wrapped in your arms and in your love.
My prayers are with you and your family. God bless you all and your lovely, perfect little Erin.x
Have no different words to any of the others before me but just want to add my deepest sympathy to you and the rest of your family.
Love is felt by those we love and I know that your beautiful dd2 Erin knew how loved she was and how loved she still is.
I can only hope that your visit today with the funeral directors is an improvement on the first set and that the pm can in some way can offer you some answers.
sending lots of love and support to your whole wtw familyxxxxx
I'm so sorry. Erin is a beautiful name. XX
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<massive hugs hugs hugs>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What a beautiful name for a precious girl, Iam so sorry for your loss, sending love and prays to you and your family. XXXXXXXXXXX
So very sorry for you and your family xxxxxxx
Just thinking of you and beautiful Erin today. So sorry.
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you. xx
I hope the meeting with the undertakers has gone ok.
This thread is the best of mumsnet. Lots of care and love and lots of practical help. Makes me proud to be here.
I really hope you had a much more sympathetic funeral director today. Ours were lovely, very sympathetic and they made DS2 look so comfy and snug in his casket.
Have been thinking of you all day. Sending you much love.
I have added 3 photos of Erin to my profile if anyone would like to see. I won't leave them up too long I just wanted you to see where your thoughts and prayers were going. For the amazing ladies on the blanket thread - I wanted to put the one of E and K together on there for you to see the lucky little girl who will be snuggling under your blanket. The one of them together is the day after birth which is why Erin looks as she does - just wanted to warn anyone before you look it is a bit sad. But K was so so proud of her sister and didnt want the blanket covering her up.
Funeral director today was amazing - made us feel so much better about the funeral and I now feel fully confident that Erin will be well taken care of and that they will help us to arrange the perfect day for her. It is booked for next Friday so some time to prepare
Glad you had a good meeting at the funeral director!
Can't see the pics, as your profile is not public!
much love x
Oh your girls are beautiful. I hope you find some comfort in that fact they are both so very loved.
Oh both your girls are absolutely beautiful. The pure love shining though from you and your DD1 towards Erin is just so so moving.
I am very relieved for you that today's appt went well and that you feel more confident about Erin's funeral. I have very fond and in a funny way, positive, memories of DS2's, that gave me a lot of peace in those first horrific weeks and months.
Whatever she is absolutely gorgeous!
what a proud big sister, your DD1 is!
treasure those moments you had your 2 daughters there together! I only had mine at the same place at DD2's funeral, as we didn't let DD1 come to hospital. DD2 was born at 20 weeks and we found she was too tiny for DD1 to see. She did see some pics and she knew it was her in the coffin and was very proud to tell everyone it was her little sister in there.
What a gorgeous little baby. I am so so sorry for your loss, you poor girl. Erin's big sister does look so proud, rightfully so. I hope she is happier soon. As a previous poster said, children can be very resilient, thankfully.
Much love x
What a darlling little girl Erin is! Thank you so much for sharing.
And the smile on her proud older sister's face...
Erin is much loved and it shows. You have every right to be proud of her.
I am very glad you seem to have found a more sympathetic undertaker.
Thinking of you all x.
WTW beautiful pictures. I especially love the one of your DD's together. How brave (if that's not a bad or the wrong thing to say) of K to cuddle her sister, I bet she'll treasure that photo as much as you will.
I'm glad you have found a funeral director who will give Erin the send off she deserves and you and yours want for her.
I hope you manage to get some rest tonight.
Thank you for sharing those photos, both of your girls are just beautiful. I'll be thinking of them both (and you too) when I knit my squares for the blanket. I hope it brings you some comfort.
So so glad you feel happy with the funeral directors. The photos are so bitter sweet, two beautiful little girls.
Am thinking of you a lot.
Beautiful girls. Erin looks so peaceful, like a baby who has only known love and peace. I am reading this with tears as you are such a brave woman and I just wanted to add my heartfelt condolences to the list, from one mother to another xx
have only just seen this thread. really there are no words. i am so desperately sorry. tears are streaming down my face for you yet i cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through. the deep love between you and your beautiful erin is very obvious from your first photo. she looks so safe, so adored and so peaceful. what a perfect little girl. and your dd1 is glorious too. my thoughts are with you.
Oh my goodness,how beautiful are your girls!
Erin was perfect...just perfect. I am sending you love and strength from the bottom of my heart <<so,so many hugs>>
So sorry for you loss. RIP Erin.
Precious pictures. x
WTW, I have read this thread and now have tears streaming down my face.
I am fortunate in that I have never been I this position, but I'm so glad that you have found such good support from others on here.
I just have to say how lovely your photos of, especially the one of Erin with her gorgeous big sister who looks so incredibly grown up and proud. I was in two minds whether or not to look at your photos of her, I felt like I would somehow be intruding but I'm glad that I did. Erin is a beautiful baby and obviously very much loved. I'm so pleased to hear that you have found a Funeral Director who will treat you and Erin with the love and care that you all deserve.
You are being so incredibly strong. I hope that the PM can give you some answers.
Love to you and your amazing family.
Thank you for sharing your photos WTW, your daughter are both beautiful.
It is so lovely that Katie got to give her little sister such big cuddle.
Thank you for sharing your pictures. It is a privilege to see beautiful Erin. The pictures of the sisters together will be one that your DD will treasure.
I am very glad the meeting with the FD today was better and that you feel Erin will be cared for and loved.
I've only just seen this. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing the photos: you have two beautiful girls, you must be so proud.
I hope that the post mortem gives you some answers.
Best wishes to you all. I will be thinking of you.
I'm so so sorry for your loss of Erin. RIP Baby Girl. xx
Huge hug to you and your family. You did your very best. x
Love to you all. Such lovely photos. xxx
The pictures of your daughters are so beautiful. The funeral director who did my son Jacks funeral didnt charge me. Ive been told since that most fd's dont charge for babies. I remember being adamant that i did not want a white coffin. Jack had a beautiful oak one. My youngest stepson (who is older than me due to my late dh being a lot older than me) attended the funeral and asked if he could carry Jack to his grave. He is buried in our family area of the churchyard next to my my grandfathers brother and sister who died when they were children. I like the idea of him being buried near other children.
I'm sorry I don't know what to say. I'm crying for your beautiful baby.
[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uIQp9Dqcrw This song is very special to many of us Mums on The Bereaved Mums Thread. The lyrics are just perfect............
Erin and her sister are beautiful. I am so very, very sorry for this heartbreaking loss.
I'm so pleased you have found a good funeral director now. The pictures are lovely. I think it's so important for K that you have that picture of them together. Erin will always be part of your family and it will be lovely for you all to have that picture to look back on. You did well to involve K at such a hard time.
lottie that song is so thought provoking. I have heard it before but never really thought about the lyrics. What a beautiful song.
Your girls are so beautiful. So so perfect. Thank you for sharing your precious photos with us, have been thinking of you all day. xxx
whatevertheweather- I don't have the right words.- but the tears I'm crying right now are genuine and from my heart.
Nothing I can say will make it easier for you or your family I'm afraid. .
I've read your post and I've just had a look at your photos and your perfect tiny daighter, and her beautiful older sister.
There are others on here whose words are wiser than mine, but I'm thinking of you and you know the MN etters are here for you when you want to talk, cry,rant,scream.
Any hour of the day or night, someone will be here for you.
On the music choices, have you thought about "Time to say Goodbye" ?
Katherine Jenkins, Placido Domingo, Paul Potts. all have done beautiful and different versions.
Lottie - that song is beautiful thank you. I know what you mean about the white coffin. We have chosen a willow casket instead and are going to have it threaded with daisy chains and small posies of babies breath and meadow flowers in lilacs, pinks and whites. She will come with us and K in the funeral car and her daddy will take her in to the church with his brother and my brother with him
He is being so strong but he said earlier - I expected to walk my daughter down the aisle in a wedding dress not a coffin
Another day nearly done
Thanks for sharing with us. You are such a strong person. Glad to hear you have plans in place now for your special day to remember Erin with your family and friends, and a little time to think what you would like to include. So difficult to know what to say ... everything sounds wrong ... but sending all our love x
The flowers especially sound just right for her xx
WTW - the pictures of your beautiful girls are very moving, thank you for posting them. I still weep every time I open your thread to think of what you are going through.
So very glad your second funeral directors were appropriate and kind, such a relief to you.
Hug little Katie tight to you and keep her in the emotional "loop", as it were.
Love and strength to you all. x
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I am 35 weeks myself. Please God I will never know the depths of pain. I wish you and your family the very best. The world would have loved your beautiful daughter as much as you do. I am crying, but appreciate hearing about Erin, beautiful baby.
hello whatever, I'm so very sorry about your little daughter Erin, I played music for a baby funeral the other week and thought about the song they played for her, the lyrics are very fitting, I have just found it on youtube and started me off in tears again...
My heartfelt condolenses with you and your family (((hugs)))
So sad to read this but what lovely photos of your daughters. Wishing you peace and courage.
forgot to mention, your photos are beautiful, thank you for sharing them with us xx
Whatevertheweather - both Erin and your other daughter are absolutely beautiful, what lovely girls you have.
You're in my thoughts and prayers, much love xxx
Whatevertheweather I just wanted to post and send you my love. Your two girls are gorgeous, what a proud sister your DD1 looks. Erin is such a beautiful name x
I hope you don't mind but I'll pray for you and your LO in eternity x
So very sorry for the loss of your Erin. I wish I had the courage to talk about the loss of my own daughter. I feel pretty dead two years down the line. Your pics brought tears to my eyes - so perfect, so beautiful.
Your thread shows what a wonderful and compassionate place MN is. I hope you get all the support you need.
Whatever - I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
You have two very beautiful daughters. I cannot imagine what you must be going through - I, like many other women on her, have tears running down my face.
I don't know if this helps but whenever a child dies in hospital, everyone who knows or finds out about it cares. Truly cares. This is never routine for those involved, from the porters who took her down to the morgue or to the people at the pm. She will be looked after with care and attention and those who get to know of her death will be thinking of you.
I am so sorry to read of your sad loss. Your girls are beautiful, you can see the love in the two pictures alone.
Bless you all. Such a sad time.
so sad for you we are always here for a chat have you contacted the hospital chaplains as when i lost my baby they made sure she was prayed for and they sent us a certificate acknowledging that she was here and loved nothing makes up for the loss but the chaplains are a forgotten resource (they do not care if you have a faith or not just good to have a sympathetic ear)
My little brother died at the beginning of this month. Our mother was bewildered, angry, feeling guilty and devastated all at the same time, because we all expect our children to organise our funerals, not us organise them. The support and friendship from friends and strangers alike has helped us all to keep on going. Mumsnetters are wonderful!
God bless you and your daughters and their father. xxx
Thank you for sharing the photos of your darling girls. Erin looks very peaceful. I am pleased you have found a more sensitive funeral director and I am hoping that you and your family are able to find some comfort in the service. Sending loving thoughts to the 4 of you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Erin is beautiful. She looks so peaceful. xxxxxx
Please will you and your Husband and Katie please accept my family and I's condolences for the loss of Erin.
We lost a little boy 8 years ago, he was born sleeping, at 26 weeks.
I have had a sneaky peek at your pictures, Katie looks so proud holding Erin. Just gorgeous.
I don't know if you have heard this poem, but it has helped me a bit over the years :
An Angel in the Book Of Life
Wrote down my baby's birth
And whispered as she closed the book
"Too beautiful for earth".
I know that there is nothing I can say to make you feel any better, or console you in any way. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and your family.
Take care. xxxxx
I am so sorry for your family's loss.
Your photo's are beautiful and as everyone else has said what a proud big sister.
Erin is lovely and you are so brave.
Take as much care of yourselves as much as you can and know that we are all thinkning of you, your family and baby Erin.
Beautiful photographs. xxx
Good morning whatever... I can't type for tears. I loved the photo of your eldest dd with little Erin, she looks so proud, they both are beautiful girls.
The casket and flowers sound just lovely and fit for a princess, she deserves the best.
I wish I could say or do something to help you right now but I've been where are although my boy wasn't a baby he was nearly 21 and I know there is nothing anyone can do but just listen to you talk and we will and just be there for you and we will.
Beautiful photos WTW thank u for posting them xxxx
Such precious, beautiful photos whatever. Your girls are both beautiful.
I was thinking about you again when I got up this morning, sending you much love.
My cousin had a wicker casket for his wife- just beautiful. The flowers sound lovely too.
Thank you for sharing your girls with us, wtw - they are both so beautiful, and your eldest DD is every inch the proud big sister.
I'm glad you were able to find someone who will look after Erin well. You all deserve that. And i think the wicker casket is just right - it's what i chose for my DS1.
Sending much love to you, sweetheart x
You daughters are beautiful WTW. DH looked over my shoulder as I was looking at the pictures last night and said how lovely Erin was and how happy her sister looked to be holding her.
It sounds as though you and your DH are planning a lovely send off for her. x
WTW, I feel so privileged to have seen photographs of your beautiful girls. Thank you.
The photograph of your two daughters together is especially lovely. Given the heartbreaking circumstances, allowing your eldest to meet her baby sister was a remarkable gift. I am sure she will treasure the photograph always.
Whatever - what beautiful pictures, and what a wonderful thing to have done for K, to give her that memory and make her feel like the big sister she is. Erin looks so peaceful and loved. Your plans for the funeral sound beautiful - I wish your family all love and peace. xx
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little Erin - she is beautiful. Though she never opened her eyes I don't doubt for a second that she knew she was loved. Love to you all xxxx
oh, Erin looks like such a wee peach, I am so sorry that you didn't get to spend more time with her. And your other daughter is gorgeous also, what a beautiful picture of a proud big sister and her wee sis. i'm so terribly sorry for you, what an utterly horrible loss for you all.
I am so sorry for your loss. Erin and her big sister are both so beautiful. I hope that the PM and funeral go as well as they can.
Sending much love.
What beautiful photographs - and how lovely for your DD to have that record of her baby sister when she grows up.
I am so sorry for your loss. So so sorry.
Lovely photos of your two little girls. All my thoughts are with you.
MrsDBouquet - That is a beautiful and charming poem. Love to you and all other bereaved mummys here. Your love and strength for one another is a privilege to witness.
So sorry for your loss. I'm finding this difficult as it hasn't been that long since we lost our daughter Scarlett. At first I felt so numb and didn't believe it was true but cried constantly. I felt I'd wake and she would still be inside me but she wasn't. I was 37 weeks when we found out she'd died inside me. It was horrendous but talking has helped me so much and I've had a lot of support on here and from my family.
We decided on a white coffin for her and had poems read and Tears in Heaven played as well as Brahms lullaby. I can link the poems if you like.
I currently have a link in my profile to photos of Scarlett, the coffin at the funeral and flowers on the day. It was an incredibly difficult day and I didn't cope for months. Slowly I'm getting better but nothing is the same anymore and I doubt ever will be. I'm having a really hard time lately but I've had many ups and downs and I'm hoping this is a down and will soon pass.
If I can help in any way or answer anything then please feel free to ask here or pm me. Thinking of you, your family and your beautiful daughter Erin.
Beautiful photos of both your girls. I've been thinking of you over the past few days and wishing you every bit of strength and love xx
WTW I went into church this morning to restock the tealights and matches on our special table. I said a prayer for Erin when i lit her candle. I do hope that Jack has found her and is looking after her......
It's not much, but it has helped me a little bit in the dark days. I always say that I am a very lucky Mum, as I really DO have an Angel.
Unfortunately, it is a 'club' you would never dream you would be part of, until it happens. And it's only when it happens, you realise that it's not as rare as you think.
Our little boy is buried in a special place next to the main cemetery where we are, called The Snowdrop Garden. There are lots around, and they are especially for babies and children under 3. It is really strange when you go to visit, it is as if when you walk in, the rest of the world melts away. It's so quiet and peaceful, and it is as lovely as it is sad to see all the little things that people leave for their babies and children.
Our little boy has a stone with "Shhh...baby sleeping" on it, and his name, and the date he was born. He also has a butterfly, which is a recognised symbol of the death of babies and children, but is also a symbol of new life.
I would just like to say to any parents that if you are having a bad day at all, for any reason, if you want to chat to anyone, I may not be here at the time, but please feel free to pm me, I always check in every day, so I might not reply straight away, but I will before the day is out. I know how hard it can be sometimes and you just want someone who knows a little bit about what it's like to have a chat with.
Take care all. xxxxx
Oh cheeseandgherkins I have just had a look at your pictures of Scarlett - she is beautiful and her grave looks a testament to your love for her. I am sorry you are finding things tough at the moment. I imagine we are both at the beginning of a very long, hard road.
I can't believe how many of you lovely ladies have been through this awful time.
I have found today the hardest yet - 1 week since Erin was born and passed. All day its been 'this time last week I was...'. Had a total meltdown at 8.22pm the time she was born just 7 short days ago. We also had to go and register her birth and death today, it was handled really sensitively though and we managed to get in and out without seeing another baby.
We did get to see Erin again today though which was very bittersweet. She is now in the chapel of rest at the funeral home. I feel relief I know where she is and we got to have more cuddles with her. She looks so much better than when we last saw her which i don't really understand as they haven't done anything to 'preserve' her but her skin looks pinker again.
I am scared though about the 'alternate reality' of the next week until her funeral next Friday. I know I won't be able to stop myself from going to see her each day but I wonder if that will make burying her next week even harder.
Another day nearly done
I don't want to leave your post hanging.
Today must have been a really, reallly hard day for you. x
But you sound so brave, so amazing.
MY MUM IS A SURVIVOR
My Mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said,
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving Mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My surviving Mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
As I watch over my surviving Mum...through heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care
For no matter what she says, no watter what she feels
My surviving Mum has a broken heart that time wont ever heal.
'Lovingly stolen from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.'
I am sure that today has been so, so very hard. I counted the firsts of everything for ages. I hated the first weeks or so, maybe more so because my son had been born at 26 weeks and so wasn't due to be born ?
I don't think that anyone can really advise you about what to do for the next week, but I would say that if how you get through it is by going to visit Erin every day, that's what you do. People may call you morbid, try to tell you it's wrong, that you shouldn't feel the way you do, but just ignore all that. It is well-meaning advice, but you have to do what YOU feel is best for you right now. No-one can tell you that you should do this, that or the other, you just have to get up each day and get through it as best you can.
I wont pretend to you that Erin's funeral will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. (But you don't need me to tell you that). Nothing is harder than your baby's funeral. I don't think the service itself is 'hard', I found the walking away afterwards just awful. It's like when you leave the hospital, something feels wrong, and you know it is, but you just cannot put it right.
Just always have in your mind that Erin will be at peace, with all the other Angels, looking over us. She will always be with you, no matter where you are, for you carry her in your heart, wherever you go.
Take your time, and do what you need to do, and what feels right/comforting/whatever. There are no rights and wrongs for this time.
So true MrsD.....this is going to sound very strange but my DS3's funeral was amazing. My DS2 (twin) died when we first moved to our area and his funeral was quiet but beautiful. BUT everybody knew my DS3.....he had talked to strangers (when told not to) he talked to everybody. We had hundreds of cards and letters from people I have never met. The church was overflowing, school closed for the day and the majority of children walked up the road to church carrying their chairs.....we had 'If I was a butterfly' as one of the hymns and the children did all the actions and sang loudly....very soon all the congregation were singing along and copying the actions. It was the most beautiful tribute to an amazing little lad.
BUT nobody expects to bury their children....its not right. Death is revolting at any age - when my great Aunt died at 101 years old I sobbed for days and days. If we didn't have the emotion of love we wouldn't grieve for precious lost loved ones.
Your DS3's funeral sounds lovely.
At my son's there was only me, DH and my parents (under duress, but that's another story !). But I just remember it not being about who was there, and I wasn't saying goodbye, oddly enough, I was laying him to rest, in a beautiful place where we go to visit him.
I quite agree with you. It's not right to bury a child. And yet it is amazing what our love for our children will help carry us through.
So sad for you. What a horrible thing to experience. I hope you are surrounded by support and can give yourself all the space you will need to grieve your loss.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Whatever - so glad you have been able to see Erin again.
I would think that they have used a bit of makeup on her to make her look pinker - I had a friend once who worked as an undertaker's beautician. They don't put make up on as you would to go out, they just use very subtle tones to try and recreate a natural look.
I am also glad that everyone you are dealing with now has the proper respect and sensitivity to your situation.
much love to you all. xx
shabba lovely post.
WTW I am so sorry yesterday was so difficult. I am very pleased you managed to see Erin again.
You and Erin are constantly in my thoughts and prayers at the moment as are K and your DH.
Also love to all the mummies who've had angel babies or who have suffered the death of a child.
Your love and compassion shine through on this thread.
Shabba - thank you for the poem. It couldn't be more true
MrsD - I know what you mean Erin wasn't due for another 4 weeks I actually don't want her here, I just want her healthy and back inside me
I never knew grief could make you feel so heavy. Whenever I go outside I feel like I'm wading through treacle locked inside my own little bubble and everyone else is on the outside
Do you find you have indigestion? I used to feel like that all the time. Also used to rub my chin on my shoulder constantly???? The physical problems, for me, were unexpected and a bit scary for a while. I saw my GP and he said I was 'self comforting' when I rubbed my chin. I used to sigh about a thousand times a day and say 'Oh dear' - I was also amazed that I woke up each day and used to wonder at the strength of the human body. Everything you are feeling is totally normal, and, yes, I know the treacle wading very well xxx
You are right. Grief does make you feel heavy, and as if it takes all your energy to do just one thing. I used to try to start to do something, and then get distracted, and then find it very upsetting because I couldn't remember what I was doing, or even how to do it. Simple things like making a cup of coffee/tea were such an effort. Things like having a bath can be so draining.
And shabba's right. It is competely normal, and no-one will be able to tell you when you will start 'feeling better'. Just take each day as it comes, the world will wait for you. xxxxx
Whatever Your daughters are absolutely beautiful. I'm so very sorry for your loss and will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Whatever - your photos are beautiful.
My DN was born sleeping last year, at 36 weeks. MY SIL water's broke, butno labour. Took her in hosp to monitor, just woke up one morning and she wasnt moving. They did an emergency CS but it was too late. She too was a beautiful girl, just like both of yours are.
Im a pretty poor knitter, but the squares are filled with love and comfort xxxx
I'm no good at knitting but I'm sending you my heartfelt sympathies over the loss of tiny Erin and as many hugs as you want. I'm very glad to hear that you have good RL support and I'm sure you know that there will always be people here for you too.
Thank you for sharing the photos. You have beautiful daughters and they are both lucky to have such a loving mother. Always remember that.
Thank you so much for sharing the pictures of your two beautiful daughters.
I'm so sorry that Erin couldn't be with you longer, your posts resonate with such love for her and your dd1.
Sending you lots of love and wishing you some peace in the days ahead. X x
I am so sorry for your loss, Erin is beautiful, sending lots of love.
Whatever I have finally stolen some time to look at the photos of your gorgeous daughters [isad].
Grief is unique to each and everyone of us. There are no rights and no wrongs and loving and caring and crying and screaming and mourning and wishing it were different are what make us human.
Wishing you peace and strength for your dd1 (and by strength perhaps that's being strong enough to let her see the tears and know that you are sad) x
So very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Whatever. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. Your plans for Erin's funeral sound absolutely lovely. Wishing you strength and peace for the days ahead.
So sorry for your loss. Sending big hugs to you through my tears.
So sorry for your loss.
The photos of her are so beautiful, especially the one with her big sister.
I really can't do this. Can't even get out of bed this morning
I just wanted to express my sympathy and remind you that your older daughter needs you now more than ever.
You sound as if you have nothing to live for. That is so far from the truth. You have been through hell and have still a way to go - but it is something you can and will do.
Im so sorry Didn't want to leave this unanswered.
It will get easier, you won't forget her, you don't want to - but it will get easier - don't be too hard on yourself - you will have bad days and better ones. Take it one step at a time
Have an unmumsnetty hug (((((hug)))))
Then don't. Is there any good reason why you can't just stay there? Remember sweetheart, one moment at a time, and breathe.
Exactly what Dee said - stay in bed if you need to today. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other at a time - you will get there. Hug your DD for all you're worth - remember she needs you too.
So so sorry for your loss. Your other dd will bring you through.
Its all overwhelming isin't it whatever? Somebody once sent me a little note.....it was put through my door late at night and I never knew who sent it. The note said how sorry they were for my loss and then the words that make total sense. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER AND DONT FORGET TO BREATHE. Thats how my early days of grief were - I would walk and remind myself....'left, right, left, right' something as simple as walking was too difficult.
take it easy whatever !
send your DH to the shops to get some ready meals, put your DD in front of Cbeebies or a DVD and stay in bed! or cuddle up with her, but I know she probably won't want to stay in bed with you the whole time!
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how awful it is for you
Thank you. One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe. I like that, that makes sense.
DD not here - she's gone to ballet with dd. I couldn't face it as they've had a break over the holidays and the inevitable 'not long now comments' before clocking my lack of bump or baby would have been too much That's probably why I can't find the energy to get up. Will make sure I am by the time they get back.
DH hurting too, be there for each other.. Best wishes ....
i just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for you and your families loss. Erin is a beautiful baby, and her sister is a star like her.
just wanted to say im thinking of you.
Take your time, and dont rush, if you want to stay in bed, no one will blame you.
I hope your dh is holding up and you get to give your beutiful girl a beutiful goodbye for now.
loads of hugs xx
Whatever, much love from here too.
Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do just know.
It is so cruel how life just goes on as if nothing had happened when your entire universe has just come off its axle .
Hiding in bed seems perfectly appropriate to me.
Wtw, sending hugs your way. Your love for your family shines out of your posts, your two DDs sound like the most loved girls in the world. Thinking if you all
Just read this whole thread. My heart goes out to you and your family, WhateverTheWeather. Your daughters are both very beautiful.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Just to say thinking of you.
Much love. xxxxx
Nothing else to add but sorry x
Whatever thank you. I hope you have a peaceful night and day tomorrow, although I know too well that that is being optimistic. I remember at first that I couldn't go out, eating and sleeping were nigh impossible but I couldn't face anyone. I had to take it a day at a time, get through the hours to become a day then a night. I found the nights very hard as I couldn't sleep and it was quiet so my mind was even more active. Be kind to yourself.
These are the poems we had read at Scarlett's funeral, they were very apt for us. She was dh's first baby, our first together although I have three myself.
Father to Daughter
What can I say? Where shall I start?
You were so beautiful, you captured my heart
We only got to know you, through images on a screen
We felt the occasional movement, the rest was left unseen
If God had allowed it, I would have loved you so
I would have given anything, just to see you grow
To share with you in laughter; your joy, your years
To even share the sad times, and wipe away your tears
You would have been so beautiful; you had your mothers eyes
And witty and funny, and carefree and wise
Youd have loved the mountains, as we shared walks and climbs
You had such potential; now I know only sad times
I will not devalue the time we shared, with any platitude
Just take these never-had memories, into my solitude
They said once for a princess, that the price for love was grief
So I will hold onto the loss I feel, and wont let it be brief
I will not end with sadness; theres hope in these words Ive spoken
My joy is now the Fathers, and in Heaven nothings broken
Please know I dared to love you, and if Heavens rules allow
Ill hold you close again one day, and forget the pain of now
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mummy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
An Angel Never Dies
Dont let them say I wasnt born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
Ive loved you from the start.
Although my body you cant hold
It doesnt mean Im gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, Ill fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
Youll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesnt make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
Im watching over all you do,
Another child youll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then youll understand.
Although Ive never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesnt mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
"What is dying?
A ship sails and I stand watching til she fades on the horizon,
and someone at my side says, "She is gone".
Gone from my sight, that is all:
she is just as large as when I saw her....
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me,
not in her,
and just at the moment when someone at my side says "she is gone", there are others who are watching her coming,
and other voices take up a glad shout,
"there she comes!"...
and that is dying."
Thank you for sharing those cheeseandgherkins they are beautiful and am sure the were very poignant on Scarlett's day. My sister is reading a poem called 'When you wake up tomorrow' and my Dad has written something himself. Not sure how they will manage to read them though. I expect they will be able to for Erin.
Today has been a really had day. The world just seems to be carrying on as before, and I know it will and has to, but I just want it to stop. I have been dry eyed most of the day so so heavy inside. I feel like people expect me to be breaking down and weeping all the time but I just feel numb at the moment. I just want my baby back.
Whatever, I haven't anything useful to say - just ((((hugs)))) for you. Do what you need to do for yourself at the moment and take care.
I'm so sorry. How devestating for you and your family. I hope you can support each other in your grief.
You couldn't have known. It is hard to accept there are some illnesses which are beyond our control. Please try not to blame yourself.
Whatever - huge hugs for you. I'm so sorry and Erin is beautiful.
I have a friend who lost a baby at the same sort of gestation. One of her consultants said that when this happens to babies at that age it can be a problem with their metabolism. It would start to run solo at that time (rather than relying on the mother's) and if it isn't able to do so, that can cause a stillbirth at around that time. I just wanted to say, as she didn't find that out for a while.
Wishing you strength at this terrible time x
Thinking of you, whatever. It must be very hard feeling that the world is going about its business while your world has crashed. Try not to focus on what others expect you to do; cry, don't cry, stay in bed, don't stay in bed- just get yourself through each bit of ech day.
Just read your updates and sending you ((((HUGS)))).
Wishing you strength and keeping you and your family in my prayers.
I hope K enjoys her first day at school too.
Just wanted to say that I feel so sorry for your loss. You coud not have possibly known, please be kind to yourself. Erin will live on in your heart and in your memories, forever.
Please could I ask for your help again. Can anybody think of a suitable scripture/bible passage that the deacon could include at Erin's funeral? He is a lovely man and is conducting the service for us as the normal parish priest is away but he has not had any experience of babies funerals and is at a bit of a loss as to what to include. We have our own readings but this needs to be from the bible. Thank you x
here is a full service with 3 scripture readings - maybe one of those?
Luke chapter 18 v 16
I know you already have readings and so on but have just found this on, would you believe it, an old MN thread:
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.
- Author Unknown -
Hope that helps and have another ((hug)).
We had following reading:
Reading from the Gospel of Mark
Jesus Blesses Little Children
Some people brought children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples scolded the people. When Jesus noticed this, he was angry and said to his disciples,
Let the children come to me, and do not stop them, because the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
I assure you that whoever does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.
Then he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on each of them, and blessed them.
If you want pm me your email address and I will send your our little girl's funeral booklet!
thumbwitch and bluetinkerbell thank you. I shall use both the Matthew and Mark verses. They are perfect x
I'm not much of a church go-er, but have found these, and i wonder if they are suitable?
He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others."
2 Corinthians 1 3-4
I am worn out with grief; every night my bed is damp from my weeping; my pillow is soaked with tears.
This next quote, although not from the bible, sums it up well for me ;
Life is eternal;
and love is immortal;
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
Rossiter Worthington Raymond
Also, i found this poem a comfort
And if I go,
while youre still here
Know that I live on,
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
So you must have faith.
I wait for the time when
We can soar together again,
both aware of each other.
live your life to its fullest
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
I will be there.
~ Emily Dickinson ~
Gosh that photo of your daughters together took my breath away, what an amazing girl your eldest is. Rest peacefully Erin x
Just wanted to say i have been thinking of you today.
Dear whatever I was thinking of you whilst I was away in the Peak District for a few days.
The purple heather on top of the hills was looking beautiful.
I wish I was a better knitter as I think it's lovely that MNers are making a blanket in memory of Erin, and for you all.
My square would be heather coloured.
Much love, juggling xxx
Thank you. I'm feeling quite lost at the moment. The tears seem to have dried up and I am just going through the motions. Took dd1 to get her last bits of school uniform today. Felt very bizarre to be doing something so normal.
Today would have been the first day of my mat leave and it dawned on me today there will be no pushing of a pram to take dd1 to school. I was really looking forward to that
Wtw thinking of you! I hope the coming days will be gentle on you as you are preparing for Erin's funeral!
I hope your DD has a good first day back at school!
I'm sure your DD1 starting school is going to be very important to you all in this coming year. There can be a lovely community of parents of the children in Reception. I hope they will all look after you. Do you know any other parents of children starting with your DD1 who might be especially supportive ?
Am sorry to hear you're feeling rather numb today. Perhaps it is good to have some sort of rest.
Am glad to hear you were able to get out and buy DD1 her new school uniform today. Is she looking forward to going do you think ?
I'm very sorry whatever. The picture of your DD's together is lovely. Thinking of you tomorrow and hope DD1's first day goes well.
Juggling - she is really looking forward to it bless her. Her teacher is coming tomorrow for her home visit. It was supposed to be on Friday but had to ring and re-arrange it today and pre warn the school what has happened.
We didn't get our first choice of school (we live 300 metres further away than the last allocated place ) but she is still 2nd on the waiting list there. So unfortunately she (and I) know no-one at the school she is going to. She spent 4 yrs at the same nursery/pre school which was wonderful and all her little friends bar 2 are going to the school she didn't get in to. And her cousins already go there. I wasn't too concerned as she's quite outgoing and friendly but now I wish she did have some familiar faces for comfort in her first few weeks. Wish I did too if I'm honest as I am good friends with a lot of the mums. But we will make the best of it.
Oh whatevertheweather I am so sorry. (I have only just seen this). Erin is a beautiful name and she looks gorgeous in the photos. Im at a loss for words, but wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family.
Whatever - I personally think that not knowing people at the school could turn out to be a good thing. Everybody knew my Matt (DS3) at Primary school and his brother (DS1) had to go to the school for a year after Matt was killed. He found it very difficult because people were very kind to him....maybe too kind IYKWIM. He liked going to High school because only a few people knew 'his story.' You, as a family, will get 'there' - wherever the hell 'there' is. Your love for each other is very obvious. There will always be difficult days - even in many years to come. BUT your love and strength as a family is very evident. Have been thinking about you all weekend xxx
I've been driving myself crazy googling hydrops fetalis which was recorded as the cause of death but we do not know what caused the hydrops to happen and so suddenly and severely.
The consultants comment was I have reviewed last nights scans and the scan from 10 days before (routine growth scan) and it doesn't look like the same baby. Sadly it seems in many cases no definitive cause is ever found but we will have to wait for the results of the pm for that.
I have never heard of that before Whatever. I have to stop myself from googling stuff. I remember once thinking how weird it is that this bloody world keeps turning.....we are stuck in a world of despair and a world of trying to smile (with difficulty) and the rest of the world keeps turning....how bloody dare they? If you ever need to rant, scream, cry, laugh, swear etc etc please PM me on here and I will send you my email address. Just wish I could help you more xxx
Im so sorry for you Erin is a beautiful name. xx
Dear Whatevertheweather I too had missed this until now. I am so sorry for your loss. The photos of Erin are beautiful. And also to CheeseandGherkins I am sorry I missed Scarlett's thread and am also sorry for your loss. Again such beautiful photos of a beautiful girl. You both and your families are in my thoughts.
Whatever - probably best to stop googling. I know a few things about hydrops foetalis but mostly in connection with Rhesus "disease" and that would have been picked up waaay before now if it were relevant, so that's most likely not it; and the non-immune causes should be picked up in the PM - so you (hard though it is) really should wait and see what they say.
I am glad that DD1 is looking forward to starting school - look at it as an opportunity for her to make a bunch of new friends, and you too (in time). As Shabba says, it might be easier that no one knew about Erin and you aren't both faced with people asking about her all the time, which could be distressing.
(((hugs))) for you all
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hi whatever How was your day ? Was it a help to have DD1's home visit today ? I hope DD1 got on well with her teacher and enjoyed the visit. I liked our home visits except I found there was lots of paperwork to fill in (a pet hate of mine !)
Were you able to go and see Erin today at the chapel ? How are plans for Friday? Is there anything we could help with here ?
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. xxx
On the bereaved Mums thread we have a list of our childrens birthdays and remember days (anniversary) When one of those days sadly come around we all light candles to honour each others children.
Maybe on Friday we could all light candles in our homes...Im sure we could cover many miles of candles burning for Erin and her family.
Whatever - I hope I haven't offended or upset you with my idea. xxxx
Thumbwitch I know you are right - step away from doctor google. I know nothing except waiting for the results of the pm will tell us anything (even if that just tells us what it's not). But you are right it would be non immune hydrops nothing to do with rhesus.
Juggling thank you for asking. K's home visit went really well. She was relaxed, happy and chatty with her teacher who was lovely. A relief for sure. Preparations for Friday are nearly complete
Shabba that is a lovely thought. Thank you for including Erin.
Dp finding things pretty tough. He struggles with the feeling of helplessness and with 'flashbacks' to what he saw the doctors doing to her when they were trying to save her. I'm trying to make sure he talks to me and doesn't feel he has to 'protect' me from his feelings. He went out for a few drinks with his brother last night which I hope helped him.
This is all so unreal still. I just want her back.
Are you getting much support from the hospital. Would it help dh to have a debrief with someone from the medical side? Everything they tried for Erin will be documented and he could be talked through that.
A lot of medical procedures look very challenging but there is no way to work with a newborn baby other than to be gentle because they are fragile. I am sure they didn't hurt her.
It's a week since you first posted. It seems longer than that to me so I can't think what it's like for you. Just keep following Shabba's principle. One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe.
Yes we will have a full debrief when we get pm results (prob about 4-5weeks). We were able to read through all of my notes before we left hospital which helped as the whole thing was so so fast neither of us really knew what happened. My sil sat with us and went through them as she is a nurse practioner in scbu.
I think it's more the image of her that is haunting him not that they were hurting her iyswim. We know they did everything possible and everyone at the hospital was amazing which helps as there is no 'what if they'd acted faster/tried more etc'
Gosh how handy to have your sil there then to do that - that must have been really helpful. Hard for her I imagine though
You are right, they did everything they could. What you have to come to terms with though is that despite that you lost your precious girl. I honestly don't know how you do that but I do know that there are ladies on here who have walked your road and will hold your hand every step of the way and the rest of us are behind you too.
I have only just seen this thread. Erin is a beautiful name and I am so sorry for your loss x x
Every time I open this thread my heart aches for you. I cannot imagine how you are holding yourself together and I admire your strength. I will be thinking about you all on Friday and will light a candle for Erin.
Wtw-still thinking of you all. Sending you lots of hugs and support from Scotland, and I too will light a candle for Erin on Friday. Xx
Thinking of you all still now, and especially on Friday. xxx
whatever I have only just came accross this thread, I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful little Erin. Life is so bloody cruel at times. I too am on the bereaved mothers thread, my daughter Zoe was stillborn 6 moths ago at 41 weeks. I know too well what you are going through just now, please be easy on yourself, minute by minute day by day. I will be thinking of you, your family and your precious Erin on Friday. I hope the comming days will be gentle for you. xx
wtw still thinking of you and your family! I hope you will have the funeral you want for Erin on Friday!
much love! x
Whatever - thinking of you in advance of tomorrow. Will light a candle for Erin to see her safely on her way - what time is the funeral service?
love to you all.
Janedoe - you too - so hard, so .
WTW - been thinking about you alot today. My friend had baby Alfies funeral today. It was so saddening, but it was beautiful. My friend said it was the hardest thing she has ever had to do but she feels more at peace now that she knows Alfie has been laid to rest.
I hope your other DD is settling in at school. I'm sure she will.
Lots of hugs to you and your brave family. xxx
janedoe so sorry to hear about Zoe. You are right life is bloody cruel.
charl2503 glad to know Alfies funeral went well (well as well as can be expected) I am dreading tomorrow but am hoping I will feel the same as your friend afterwards.
thumbwitch church service is at 9.30am then on to the cemetery after. We went there today to see where Erin would be and she has a lovely space in the children's area.
Dp and I are going to see Erin tonight for the last time and to lay her into her casket with her blanket and soft toys and a small photo of the four of us together. I can't believe it's the last time I will see her. My heart feels like it's breaking.
I think it is breaking.
Have you got hand and footprints from her? If not you could still get that done I'm sure.
Thinking of you this evening and tomorrow xxxx
The poem Erin's grandad wrote for her:
How quickly the world turns,
from expectation to despair,
from posies to garlands,
from life to death;
and life will never be the same again’
But Erin is not gone, for even when the busyness fades
into new routines of life,
even then, and forever, wtw will remember and know the feel of that tiny life within.
As grief fades from the unbearable,
with the bitter sweet blurring of sharp focus,
She and Dp will wonder sadly on what might have been:
“If only and what if'
And in proud sister Katie, what may now feel a passing rite,
only partly understood – for the joy of childhood cannot stay locked away in grief – as years go by, will ponder on games they might have played, and the friends they would have been.
And you and I; family, friends, and fellow voyagers;
adrift as we are on a sea of tragedy,
we feel the depth of love, of empathy, within each one -
a well from which we draw in our eternal quest for love.
Erin is not gone. The pebble that was her birth and death has touched us all with the silent ripples of that tiny pool.
Thinking of you tonight and tomorrow We wrote letters to go into Scarlett's coffin with her and the children drew some pictures for her, we also left a teddy with her and she was dressed in what was to be her coming home outfit. A lovely pink dress with tights and a hat. We kept copies of the letters we wrote too for her memory box.
The hospital took hand and foot casts which were done free of charge and are now hanging on the dining room wall, they came in a frame and we chose the colour that we wanted.
On the day we each had a single red rose to lay on her coffin and then the flowers that were sent also. It was a difficult day, one of the worst ever, but we did get through it and that was partly due to the fact that I knew we had lots of people thinking about her and supporting both in real life and on here. I took great comfort in that fact.
I'll light a candle for you all, huge hugs. It's something you never think you'll do and that you should never have to do, bury your own child. I certainly never thought I'd have to do it but you do get strength from somewhere. I didn't think I could do it but I did. Someone advised me to get some rescue remedy and while I didn't use it, just having it helped a little.
There have been so many dark days since we lost Scarlett but times are becoming better and easier to live through. The numbness took a while to go away and the feeling of disbelief.
Holding your hand in spirit tomorrow xxxx
Cross posts, that's a beautiful poem
What a wonderful, wonderful poem.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow.
All my love.
I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how heartbroken you must be.
That is such a beautiful poem.
Wishing you all lots of strength for tomorrow and hoping it helps in some way.
Will be thinking of you.
My heart goes out to you and your family, how very strong you all are, even if you do not feel it. I am in floods of tears thinking about you seeing your baby for last time, and I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You sound like an amazing mum.
what a beautiful poem! I pray and hope that Erin's grandad will have the strength tomorrow to read it at her funeral!
Much love and strength to all of you! It will be extremely hard, but you will get through!
After Sterre's funeral our both families went down to a nice country pub for a meal and just to be together, which was very nice! I hope you can have some time with your family and friends to feel their support!
Just know that a lot of people here on MN will be thinking of you and your family and of your precious Erin tomorrow!
Amazing poem. Will be thinking of you all tomorrow. We will all be 'there' with you holding your hand. Big hugs.
Wishing you all the very best for tomorrow.x
What a wonderful poem that is, Whatever. I hope he has the strength to read it.
I am glad you got to see her again - but even though you might not see her in the flesh again, her image will be with you forever in your mind and in your heart - take comfort from that.
Love and strength for you tomorrow (today by the time you read this, I expect)
Will be thinking about all of you today. I have just lit my candle in honour and with love for Erin. Sending love and hugs from Lancashire xxxx
Such a beautiful poem, Erin will be so very proud of her Grandad. I wish you all the love and strength in the world today, it will be the hardest thing you have ever gone through but remember you are doing it for your Erin. She will be so proud of her Mummy, Daddy and big sister.
I will be "here" holding your hand and lighting my candle at 9.30 am in honour of your beautiful girl. Sleep tight Angel Erin xx
Candle lighting set for 6:30pm here in Australia - which is 9:30am for you.
Love, strength and (((hugs))) for you all. x
Thinking of you and your family today, my lovely.
Lit a candle here in Dubai.
All the best for today.
I am just so sorry you and your family have to go through this
Thinking of you all today and hoping Erin has a beautiful service xx
Lighting a candle here for Erin, with all my love, and thinking of you all today.
This one's in Cambridgeshire - lovely to hear of them all over the country and around the world x
Sending love and strength xx
I am heartbroken for you and your family, whatever. Your daughters are so beautiful, and I know Erin will always be in your heart.
Will be lighting a candle for Erin at 9.30.
Have followed this thread but couldn't find the right words.
Thinking of you and your family today on this most difficult and most tragic of days. All your preparations sounds as perfect as they could be for this day.
lighting a candle here too.
im so sorry.
i wish there was more i could say or do.
sending love to all of you.
Candle lit early. Hope you get through today with lots of support and love from all your family and friends (and all the MNers thinking of you from around the world)
I am so sorry for your loss. Erin is a lovely name and I am sure she was also beautiful. You are in my thoughts.
Your photographs are beautiful. Your DD1 looks so proud holding her little sister. I just wanted to say that I am sending you love and strength and I hope that you have lots of support today. I have lit a candle and I am thinking of you all. x
I'm so sorry for the loss of little Erin. Sending all my biggest hugs your way.
I hope you have lots of RL support. I'll be thinking of you.
Another candle here in Australia for Erin. Thinking of you all today.
wtw - thinking of you, your family and your beautiful daughter Erin. I hope you had a peaceful day, and that K was a comfort to you. xx
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
We've had a candle lit for you and for beautiful Erin, I hope today went as well as it could. Huge hugs. Talk when you need to xxx
Everything has already been said but I want to express my sadness, today you've been in my thoughts all day. <hugs>
you have been in my thoughts today WTW. I hope the funeral for your Erin went as you needed and wanted it to
be kind to yourself
My thoughts and prayers have been with you and Erin today. xxx
Thank you all for your thoughts, messages and candles. Today was really hard but we got through with a lot of support from our friends and family, some of whom travelled a long way and we had no idea they were coming. We were in bits but we feel pleased we gave Erin the day she deserved. Her casket was just beautiful and everyone that wanted to do readings managed to get through them. Erin had lots and lots of gorgeous flowers and people even thought of K; one friend bought her an angel necklace, another a cushion to cuddle, another a pack of sweets. Lovely lovely people.
K was utterly amazing all day - from slipping her hand in to dps after he'd carried Erin in to the church and whispering 'very brave daddy'. To her gorgeous giggle of pleasure when letting off a dove for Erin. We are very very proud parents of both our girls today.
I feel completely exhausted now and at a complete loss as to what happens now. We've lived in semi limbo for 2 weeks waiting for the funeral, now it's done, now what? Back to normal life? I'm not pregnant and I don't have a baby. How can we go back to normal.
I just pray that last night and today are the hardest things we ever have to do
You are amazing Wtw
I'm glad to hear you have many special memories to take with you from today.
Today of all days you don't have to think about tomorrow.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow will look after itself.
Each day has enough troubles of it's own.
Much love, juggling x
Whatevertrheweather, glad to hear everything went as you wanted it to. Take each day as it comes, try not to think too far ahead. Much love CM xxx
Oh whatever - your K is fabulous! Although that brought instant tears to my eyes, what she said to your DP.
So glad that today went well and you were so well supported.
You will find a new normal, and it will involve the memories of little Erin. Which is how it should be - you will always remember her.
Remember to ask for help when you need it - no point in struggling along. Ask parents, family, friends, GP - whoever - but ask.
Hope you get some sleep now/soon - and let the future take care of itself for a bit, just do one day at a time for now.
Im sat here typing out messages, then deleting them, then typing them again....searching for the 'right words' even though I know there are no 'right words.'
If you are anything like I was you will feel totally exhausted now. Just try to take every day - hour by hour, minute by minute.
Keep talking about what has happened. The more you tell your story the better.
it sounds beautiful and wonderful and sad, whatever, my condolences, and my congratulations on having done your very best by Erin.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That sounds like a beautiful service and day. I agree with Thumb and shabs keep talking and take it an hour, day at a time.
You do learn a new kind of normal, "normal" won't ever be the same again. I'm 9 months down the line now but things are never the same. Some of the ladies have been in this position for years and feel the same way too. I found the funeral very emotionally draining and final. After that I found the grieving easier to do as I knew there wasn't the funeral to "get through".
At first I didn't visit her grave very often (every few weeks) but as time went on that became easier to bear and I now go about once a week to tidy things up and leave her new things. When we take the other children out and get them anything we pick something up for Scarlett too so she's always included in our days.
For now just concentrate on trying to rest when you can and eat when you can, that I found extremely difficult and lost weight and barely slept but that gets better with time I found.
I don't want to say too much and overwhelm you but remember there are people here that understand and can listen when you need to talk, what you will be feeling (whatever that may be) is normal. I learnt that from here which was a great help; knowing that what I was feeling was normal and that I wasn't just losing my mind. Massive hugs xxx
whatever Erins service sounded just perfect. K sounds like such a beautiful little girl, a real credit to you and DH.
I found the days following Zoe's funeral very hard to deal with, before I was busy arranging the funeral and then all of a sudden had so much time on my hands. Take things easy and go with your grief, if you want to scream then scream, don't hold it in. I agree with others about a new "normal", you will learn to live with the grief and it does get better. Please take care and keep talking about Erin, we are all here any time. xx
It sounds like a beautiful service, and Katie is wonderful - she must be such a source of comfort and strength for you.
I am sure you will find loads of support on MN.
I haven't read this thread lately as I am rather pathetic and knew I would cry. I have now read the post about the funeral, WTW, and it sounds like everyone was strong and showed love for Erin and you all as a family. What lovely people to make the journey and to think of your other DD. I am so sorry that you have been through this and wish you all the strength and support you need to carry on.
Cheese - I think of you often as yours was the first post I remember reading about a late pregnancy loss of a child and you continue to amaze me with your strength and I am sure WTW is helped and supported by your posts.
I am so sorry for you both.
Just wondering how 'things' are going for all of you. Please remember that every emotion that you are experiencing is totally, totally normal.
Wanted to send my thoughts and love to you. xx
Ah Shabs thank you for asking - am feeling a bit of a mess to be honest. Keep thinking I'm doing okay - have been for 2 long walks in the woods with K, baked
rubbish cookies together and taken her to swimming lessons this weekend. But then find myself sobbing uncontrollably when it all comes crashing back. I just keep seeing the paed consultant coming over to us and uttering the words 'I need to let you know things are looking very grim' - the first time we really knew how serious things were.
I also keep having moments of thinking I am still pregnant. Then other moments where it's like I 'forget' I ever was pregnant. In sainsbury's yesterday I turned and ran like a loon away from a mother pushing a trolley with a new newborn in. Makes me feel a bit like I'm going mad.
K's first day at school tomorrow - she is very excited bless her. I just keep thinking about the huge bump I should have been moaning about whilst walking the 2 mile round trip and the pram I'm never going to get to push there Gah need to get a grip and concentrate on K.
Sorry for long post just feeling pretty all over the place.
cheese I hope things have calmed down a bit for you. I just can't imagine how simultaneously scary and hopeful it must be to be pregnant again after the loss of Scarlett. You are so brave and theoriginalfab is right your messages have given me comfort and hope. Thank you xx
Oh sweetheart - I remember those early days and how very, very hard they are. I wish I could help you with some 'wise words' - words that would help. You are in the horrible early days - when you feel like you are living in a parallel universe, where the shock keeps hitting you hard over and over again.
I promise you that, with time, things change a little and you learn ways to cope with your loss' I used to want to hit people who said that to me......that, and the old chestnut' 'time heals!!' I still think about my boys a hundred times a day, its 29 years since my twin boy died and 19 years since my DS3 was killed but they are constantly in my thoughts. The early feelings of shock have been replaced by the longing to see them again.
Every emotion you describe is totally normal my friend.....I am thinking about you and wish I could help more. xxx
Dear whatever I think it's really good that you've been able to get out and do so much, especially with K. The cookies sound great too, even if they were the worst ones you ever made Trust yourself, I think you're doing really well ( though of course wish you didn't have to be tested by life in this way)
Hope you have a good first day at school for K tomorrow. Am very pleased to hear she's looking forward to it so much. Perhaps it might help a little to focus on K and her starting school over the next few weeks as much as you're able - as you say. But only if it helps.
Much love, juggling xx
I think it is normal not to be able to handle seeing a newborn after losing Erin. I was a wreck seeing pregnant women when I had only had a miscarriage so for you it is unfathomable how much harder it will be.
My advice for tomorrow would be to make it all about K until you drop her off at school, go where ever you need too to have some time thinking about E and then psych yourself up to pick up K and hear all about her first day at school. Easy tea, warm bath and early to bed.
You only have to get through each minute at a time and whatever it is that you need to do to get through, is okay.
I'm glad my messages have helped a little, I was glad of people helping me when I lost Scarlett so just trying to share. Things haven't really calmed that much but I'm plodding on.
I found it impossible to see babies at first and even now it can be hard but it's more bearable. The doctors was difficult too when there were babies there, dh went there in the early days and had to walk out because of newborns being there too.
Take it easy on yourself and be kind to yourself also, it's still such early days and I'm sure you'll be feeling an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions in the coming weeks and months.
I talked and talked about Scarlett and losing her and it really did help me I believe. Getting it all out and even being repetitive; everything helped. I vented a lot on here, it was a good outlet for me. I found that starting a blog also helped after a little while. I've used mine a lot but haven't really updated in a few weeks but before that the regular posting of my thoughts and feelings really helped; like a diary I suppose.
I hope K's first day at school goes well and that you manage ok, don't be scared of how you feel or of going mad; I definitely felt and still feel that some days. I had a terrible day a week or so ago where I thought I was losing my mind but it was just a bad day and then I felt more "normal" again. My ds2 starts his first full day tomorrow at school, he did 2 half days last week but his first thought about it was shock at the lack of food they gave him as they finished before lunch
I find reliving it all happened to me a lot, all the time at first and even now I need to go through events in my head over and over again. I've just spent the last hour talking about things with dh as well and that does happen most days. I'd say it's totally normal to be doing.
How is your sleeping and eating going? Thinking of you and your family a lot xxx
I'm not one of the useful crew on here I'm afraid WWTW.
From reading your posts though it sounds like you're doing incredibly well through such unfair and tough times.
I really hope that K enjoys her first day at school tomorrow and that you can use the time doing whatever you feel you want or need to do.
Still thinking of you all.
One small thing that has just occured to me, W, is the idea to wear sunglasses tomorrow. I find that they give you a bit of protection when you are feeling vulnerable.
Two good suggestions fab thank you. I shall do both!
Sorry to hear things not calmed down cheese why does life have to be so hard. Eating I just seem to pick at things but can't be bothered with eating full meals. Just put a little on my plate so
K doesn't notice anything weird. Sleeping; I fall asleep exhausted around 1am but am awake again 2 or 3 hours later.
My mind is racing with what ifs, where had I been, who did I see, what did I touch, what could have caused such a catastrophic infection to get in. I can't help blaming myself I feel like my stupid wretched body should have prevented this from happening somehow. I can't understand how dp doesn't hate me for allowing this to happen to our baby. I should have been able to keep her safe. I know it's irrational and it was nothing I knowingly did but I can't help it the guilt is there and no amount of reassurance can make it go away.
Hope K has a good first day!
And as with everyone you are all still in my thoughts and prayers xx
Whatever - probably a bit too late to suggest this now but if you have some Rescue Remedy, use that. It will help steady you, can reduce the stress levels and may help you to sleep longer. I used it when I was pg and my Mum died, it helped me and my Dad to cope far better than we otherwise would have.
Even better than Rescue Remedy is this stuff but it's not as easy to find as the Rescue Remedy is.
Again, and I am sorry if it sounds patronising, it's not meant to - let go of the what ifs. They change nothing. It was a tragedy that happened and there is nothing you could have done differently. Can I suggest this "trick" - write them all down. Sit with a pen in your hand and a piece of paper - and let the thoughts just flow onto the paper. Forget about grammar, spelling, even clear writing - just get it all out onto the paper, all the 'what ifs', the 'how could it have happeneds', the 'what could I have done differentlys' - all of those, get them out.
And then burn it.
Hope K has a great first day and I think FAB's idea of the sunglasses is an excellent one.
Whatever (((hugs))) I don't care if they're not allowed here, tough.
My dd was stillborn 20yrs ago, and there are times when nowt will do, but to have her in my arms again.
I can't tell you how sorry I am that this has happened; and even sorrier that there are so many of us, in the same 'little club' to keep you company - but even though it is hard, you have to look after yourself, and let those who love you look after you too. As much as you have cried, cry some more. Sod those tactless ejits out there who say daft things - only you know how you feel, how you are able to handle things.
It took me a year, and a good course of a-d's to return to work; I miss her now so very much, and always will.
I just want you to know that my thoughts and wishes are with you and your family.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Good luck to K on her first day at school
Sending you love and strength xxx
K's first day at school went fine. No tears from her - she skipped in happily and was very excited to bring home her first reading book. I held it together too despite having to explain to one mum who remembered from induction day that I was expecting around now, my lack of bump or baby
Sorry if this is a tmi question but what is 'normal' blood loss after a c-section? Mine was heavy for about 4-5 days then tailed off to pretty much nothing. However for the last 2 days it's back heavier than ever. Bright red fresh blood coming out and soaking through maternity pads very quickly (sorry tmi) also fresh large clots too. I've been signed off of community midwife care and I declined any follow up hv visits. Is this normal or something I need to mention to someone? Dp thinks I'm looking very pale and I feel quite light headed today but that could be other things. Don't remember it being like this after K.
Going to buy some thank you presents tomorrow for the midwives at the hospital and for our lovely funeral co-ordinator. Am thinking a swarovski angel figurine for her - want something more than chocs/flowers as she really was amazing.
I still can't believe Erin is gone, I want her back so so much
WTW, you sound as though your haemoglobin levels are low. You ought to be checked out by your GP or a MW really.
I didn't have a CS, but I did end up with post partum haemorrhage and needed treatment for it. I was light headed, pale and felt slightly unwell. I got to the point of passing out, so please, get a check up sooner rather than later.
Just checked my discharge notes and there is something there about pph 900ml blood loss? Erin was severely anaemic but think that was due to the hydrops. My last bloods taken about 10 days before she was born showed my iron levels were normal but lots more was taken at the hospital. I haven't heard anything back on them at all. Think I will follow up on that tomorrow. I've just been assuming if they'd found anything major from them they would have contacted me. Thank you horsehairs.
I am in no way medically qualified but remembering what my blood loss was, 900ml sounds a lot so I definitely think you need to see someone and be checked over.
I had an emergency section with DS1 and my bleeding lasted quite a while but tbh it had stopped but restarted as I was doing too much.
whatever, I am glad K's day went well at school. From what I can remember, I had the same blood loss with a c-section as with a regular delivery. However, with the regular birth I had some bright red bleeding after it had prevously cleared right up. This coincided with some longer walks I had been doing, so perhaps you need to slow down a bit?
I am sorry you had to explain your situation to a mum today, must have been very hard.
Hi wtw, glad to hear K had such a good day at school.
Sorry to hear you're worried about the bleeding. Promise me you'll talk to someone about that first thing in the morning. If you need information, support, or advice NHS Direct could be an idea ? Though I'd understand if you'd rather wait and see your doctor.
I hope you have a good night x
Sorry to hear about Erin. As with many others, I am finding my local SANDS helpful - just to meet face to face with someone who knows where you're coming from, who isn't just mouthing platitudes (admittedly with best intentions) can be useful.
My Allan only lived for apx 40 mins. He died on Christmas Eve (he shares his birthday with me). I am not finding it easier as time passes. I ache to hold him. DD talks about him every day and sometimes says she wishes she could die soon so she can see him faster (we believe he's in Heaven). Allan never opened his eyes either as he was too ill, so I can see your point there. It hurts v.much. I am ok around babies (where we live, if I wasn't I'd have to become a recluse as they really are everywhere - no getting away from them), but find it hard around pregnant women.
I totally understand you wanting Erin back, not a day passes that I don't want Allan for another cuddle. We knew he was sick from 20 wks. I wish he'd lived, I wish the Docs had tried something, anything but then maybe I'm selfish.
Not mumsnetty I know, but big hugs to you & feel free to PM if you want.
You're not selfish Karen, or perhaps we all are when it comes to our DC's.
Sounds as though your experience is very sadly similar to wtw
Love to both of you xx
Isn't 900mls almost a litre? that's not good, surely? I have no idea how much I lost as I was bed bound after delivery and only discovered I'd haemorrhaged when I had the catheter removed and walked to the loo and passed a great big clot.
Do get yourself checked first thing if you haven't already.x
Phone the doctor/ hospital and ask them. If you are soaking through maternity pads really quickly it sounds like you need to get checked out, so rather than just go to the GP, I'd contact whomever they asked you to contact in the event of post-event bleeding. And yes, you need to do it tomorrow - no point waiting.
Light headedness could easily be due to sudden blood loss - if you are still bleeding heavily DO NOT drive yourself, get someone to take you, just in case.
Glad K's first day at school went well
KAren - so sorry to hear of your loss as well.
(((hugs))) to all (entirely acceptable on the bereavement board, as they should be.)
Think I will phone midwife tomorrow and talk it through. It has come after my long walks at the weekend and the school walk today (couple of miles round trips) so hopefully like Camperfan this is what's caused it. Horsehairs the 900ml was immediately after the section before I was stitched up from what I can gather from the brief notes they gave me to bring home. Don't think they were overly concerned about it at the time. Bleeding seems to have slowed a bit now. Bit more resting might be needed. I do find being busy helps though.
Karen - so sorry to hear about Allan and that things are still tough. tell us about him if you feel able/feel it would help. I totally understand the aching and longing for another cuddle. I think I am 'lucky' that I do feel the hospital/doctors did everything they could to save Erin. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to think that not enough was done to help Allan. That must leave a lot of questions for you. How old is your DD? Hugs back to you x
WTW, I've just read your thread tonight and wanted to pass on my heartfelt condolences.
I don't know if it helps but my mum lost a baby a few years before my brother and me came along (full term, died when a day old, my brother Simon). We were talking about it a few weeks ago for the first time in any detail (he died 40 years ago). She told me that like you at first she could hardly get out of bed but time did make it easier to bare. She also said that she thinks it made her all the more determined to make the most of every day with her children (when we arrived). I have to say that she is a wonderful mum as are you. Someone said to her what a few others on the thread have said and it really helped, one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.
Your girls are beautiful, you and your family are in my thoughts x
Losing that amount could very well have left your levels low WTW. I was given a choice in how to deal with it. I could go onto a very long drawn out course of iron tablets or have a transfusion. The MW's said that on the tablets, it would take a long time to feel right and normal again, which is why it doesn't surprise me that you are still feeling unwell...it can affect your body for weeks after the bleed that caused it iyswim?
Anyway, do look after yourself and seek advice.
Love to Karen too.x
How did you get on today WTW?
So sorry to hear about Erin. I cant imagine how awful life is right now for you and your family, and how you must miss her.
My friend lost her son at the end of her pregnancy, he lived an hour (5 years ago now). He was Charlie. She went on to have 2 little girls but Charlie has never been forgotten and his sisters know all about him.
I dont speak from personal experience but thinking of you and yours x
Spoke to mw who advised taking iron tablets and doing a bit less of the long walks. Bleeding has eased up again today which is good.
Feeling totally lost today. It's just so bloody cruel and unfair. This should have been the most exciting time
Well done for getting seen - you're right that this should be the most exciting time and that life is just too unfair for words.
Has the mw prescribed iron tablets? Be careful as they can also cause constipation. Another nice way of increasing your iron tablets is drinking Spatone mixed ina glass of orange juice. I'm glad to hear that the bleeding has eased again today - do try to take things slowly, you have had major surgery aswell as everything else to deal with.
I really feel for you but am at a total loss what to say that might be of any help whatsoever.
I hope that K enjoyed school again today
So sorry, Whatever -I think you're going to find that you feel lost for quite some time, but some days will be better than others. The worst bit is when you have a couple of good days and then a bad one again - knocks you for six the first few times it happens. Big (((hugs))) for you.
I agree with Iwish - standard ferrous sulphate tablets that are prescribed aren't the best way to take iron supplements, Spatone is a better option, or ferrous citrate supplements from a health food shop. Much easier to absorb, give you more iron and don't cause such issues with constipation.
Take it a lot easier, be kind to yourself and rest if you need to.
3 weeks today since we lost our precious Erin. Can't stop the tears over the last few days, think the shock has finally worn off and the reality has really hit home.
I miss her every minute of every day. I love you sleeping beauty xxx
I can't believe it is 3 weeks alreadd .
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say something to help.
Thinking of you x
Its so hard....so unbelievable....so shocking.....so sad. I wish I could help you in some way. xxxxx
I can't think of anything helpful to say either. I am so sad for you.
How is K getting on at school? My DS1 has also just started.
just (((hugs))) for you, my lovely. It's so hard.
I hope K and your DH are doing ok. Excuse me for asking, but what was your due date? I'd like to light another candly for Erin then if that's ok with you.
Hugs from me too. Hope K has enjoyed her week in school. Do you have plans for the weekend?
Sending you love and strength WTW x <<<hugs>>>
Thank you for the hugs and thoughts. I really do find this thread a comfort. Especially after a few hours with mil and sil who did not mention Erin even once. Or ask how we were doing. Was super hard too as sil has a very scrummy 6 month old and her house has lots of 'baby' things in. K is so lovely with him and it broke my heart to see her playing with him and 'helping' to change his nappy. I couldn't help but think how much I would have loved to see her do that with her little sister and how fab she would have been.
Mil and I don't particularly get on especially after she told dp i was being 'oversensitive' for asking sil if she minded not breastfeeding dn in front of me at the hospital the day after Erin died Dp family complicated as he was raised by his foster mum and dad who he views as his real parents and they are so lovely and only got back in touch with this mil (his birth mum) about 2yrs ago but that's a whole other thread!
exitpursuedbyabear we are off to Birdworld tomorrow and taking one of K's little friends which she is super excited about. It'll be good to get out for the day I think.
thumbwitch her due date not until October 5th. Lighting a candle would be lovely. I shall be doing the same and going to visit her of course.
camperfan she's really enjoyed her first week. No tears or saying she doesn't want to go at all so very relieved about that. The only moans I have is getting her up in the morning. She's really not a morning person (wonder where she gets that from ) She dramatically declared tonight that she was going to have a huuuuge lie in tomorrow! She also told me today that she is 'not making friends with any of the boys as she's not that kind of a girl'
How has your ds found his first week? Has he been on half days to? She stays until after lunch next week (oh god got to make packed lunches that meet the approval of the lunchbox police) then full time the week after.
Just wondering did you want to go and visit SIL with MIL today ?
You should be doing whatever you want to do ATM, and find most helpful.
Great to hear about K - she's going to be a great support to you in this I'm sure.
Hope you all enjoy your Saturday morning lie-in -
We used to call it a Saturday Lion for some mad reason
No I didn't really but we've been fending them off from coming here as at least going there we could leave when we wanted whereas if they came here it could have been hours! I didn't want to make dp go on his own as i knew it'd be hard for him too. He's been so supportive to me and I wanted to do the same iyswim
at Saturday lion
enjoy your lie in wtw and your day out! glad K enjoyed her first week at school
I know what you mean by seeing her with another baby, you just wish you could give her her baby sister back!
lots of love to your family
That's exactly it bluetinkerbell. Also thank you for the book recommendations - I ordered them from amazon today. Hope you are doing okay too xx
You're very welcome!
We're doing ok! We are trying to conceive again, not as a replacement for Sterre, but because I so very much want to give DD1 a baby sister or brother to actually cuddle with instead of only talking about.
Have you got a date already for your consultant's appointment/ 6 week check up?
Whatever, that's so awful re.
bloodyminded insensitive ILs. Don't go again - you've done a duty visit, kept them away - now leave them to it. They don't deserve that you should go again when they're so rude.
Glad K's doing well at school - I know how she feels re getting up though, DS and I are both owls, not larks, and we're going to have a horrible time of it whenever he starts school in a year and a half as well (although he'll be going to preschool next year in Feb, so we can start getting into the early starts at least one day a week then).
Love Saturday Lion!
Erin is absolutely beautiful. A million kisses to her from us. x x x x x
I will be going to the shrine at Walsingham today and will light a candle for Erin and you all, and thinking of you during the mass. (I'm a Quaker but we are visiting as an Inter-faith group)
Thank you juggling. I am finding things pretty tough. I just want to hold her in my arms again and can't believe I never will
Am thinking of you and your family during this tremendously heart breaking time. My birthday is 5th Oct and Erin will be in my thoughts. Big hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss. Erin is a beautiful name. Thinking of you. I know nothing I say will make it any better....
If you need to talk, I (and I'm sure all the other mumsnetters) am here for you.
Erin's candle looked beautiful in the chapel at Walsingham today. Was thinking of you all xxx
I am so sorry....I'll be praying for you all, that somehow your family finds the way through this.
Hope your dd1 is still enjoying school and that you are ok? Take care. Xx
Life is so cruel one of my rl friends has a friend who delivered a stillborn daughter this weekend. Overwelmingly sad.
Rang hospital today to see if we had any idea when pm results might be back and they said 'not all of the results are back yet'. Feeling very strange now knowing that the hospital may hold some answers right now knowing we can't have them yet until they have everything.
Dp went back to work yesterday - his horrible boss hadn't told anyone what had happened so he was greeted with good natured 'skiver' jibes. He then had to explain himself what had happened. His boss didn't even come out and see him, wanker. To top it all off he was told he wouldn't be paid for the 2 weeks he had off (3rd week was pre booked holiday). Poor dp he was so down last night I just want to scoop him up and take all the hurt away.
Thank you for the candle juggling. I bought a stormproof candle for Erin's grave the other day and Katie bought her a little dragonfly ornament.
Made contact with our local sands group and will go along to their next meeting in October. It's just a whole other world
Also can't seem to get myself removed from flipping Mamas and Papas mailing list despite repeated requests - could really do without 'as you prepare for your bundle of joys arrival' emails every day!
oooh whatever I know it so well, those silly email lists!
When we had our consultant's appointment, they didn't have the complete full post mortem results yet, but they did know what was wrong. We only got the complete notes a few weeks ago, and there wasn't a lot added to that!
what a complete idiot is your DH's boss!
Good that you're going to the sands group, wish I could, it's just a little too far away!
If you want, you can always join our lovely Angel Mummies thread here we're all there to support each other through the road ahead.
How is Katie doing? Does she talk about Erin a lot? Give her a big hug from my DD!
Wow, I'm sure it's the last thing on your DP's mind but I hope he reports his arsehole boss to HR or someone! What an utter git. I'm pretty sure he should get 3 days for compassionate leave, I expect a child is a close enough relative to qualify, so that may reduce the amount if his unpaid leave (fuckers!) but he'd need to talk to HR about it.
So sorry you're having to deal with all that on top of your grief
This may or may not appeal to you - but I have a small crystal angel for each of my MCs (just in the process of trying to obtain a 3rd one) - they stay on my mantelpiece and it helps me to feel that they're still with me, iykwim. Might not be relevant for you as you have more tangible reminders of Erin but thought I'd pass it on as an idea.
I just don't think he's got the energy to fight with work at the moment thumbwitch normally he would have been outraged/angry but he was just sad and tired last night . Luckily we had money saved for my mat leave so we can use that to make up for his loss of pay but it just did not occur to us that he wouldn't be paid. 2 weeks off doesn't seem excessive when you've lost your child I don't think.
Four4me - so sorry to hear another family is going through this hell Life is bloody cruel sometimes.
Was just so pleased to see the good news re cupoftea's lovely DD Beatrice
Whatevertheweather - I have been following your thread and thinking of you, but not posted because I just felt I didn't have the words. I am so sorry for the loss of Erin.
I just wanted to say that your DP is entitled to paternity leave in your situation, so should have been paid at least SPP for the two weeks (or full pay if that is what his work gives for paternity leave). I can understand if your DP doesn't feel up to arguing, but this link makes it very clear, if he would feel up to forwarding it to his boss/HR. Erin was your daughter. He is entitled to paternity leave for her, just as he would for any other child. His boss is not only a total twat, he's legally in the wrong.
Dear whatever. I'm sorry to hear your DP's boss was so useless. Your poor DP
I saw your lovely and generous post on cupoftea's thread. I lit two candles at Walsingham, for Erin and Beatrice. As I said on the other thread they were shining very brightly alongside one another. I wish Erin could still be in your arms too whatever. I tried to imagine her being held in God's arms, and like this verse -
"Underneath are the everlasting arms"
I hope it is some comfort.
Your candle and dragon-fly for Erin sound lovely. Both the dragon-fly poem and the lily poem by Ben Jonson are beautiful I think.
Someone sent me this poem which I think is beautiful. I think I'm going to get etched on to a glass block with a copy of her footprints we took at the hospital.
These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels’ tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy and daddy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.
secondtimelucky thank you so much for your message. I thought the same re statutory paternity leave but I don't think he qualifies as he hadn't been there for 26 weeks at the qualifying week. He only started there in mid march.
Oh whatever, that poem caused some tears!
I am really at your DP's boss' behaviour. Unbelievable, all of it.
At DS' school they do 2 weeks of 3 days a week, and then full time next week. I am amazed at how resilient your little girl is. She sounds lovely.
I hope you get the results for Erin from the hospital soon so that you won't have that at the back of your mind all the time.
Oh, so sorry he doesn't qualify. The twat bit still stands though!
The poem is beautiful.
That's lovely whatever
I draw a lot of strength from beautiful words others have written generally in life.
I especially like just the simple first line, and the angels' tears in the rain.
I hope you will hear your little daughter's voice in many places, and see her footprints wherever you go as you journey on together on life's path.
What a beautiful poem WTW.
I am completely gobsmacked at the insensitivity of your DH's boss. He shouls at least be entitled to compassionate leave which will mean a few less days lost earnings. Do you think you've got then energy to help him draft a letter to his HR dept.
I'm pleased to hear that K is enjoying school - she sounds such a lovely little thing.
As for the PM results, knowing some are available and not being told must be tough. I really hope that you can get some answers soon.
You're all still very much in my thoughts
just to say am still thinking of you and yours, whatever, and your little Erin.
That poem is heart-rendingly beautiful, Whatever. MAde me cry again - I can only imagine what it does to you.
I completely understand your DP's lack of energy re the boss situation.
Perhaps just mention it casually, the compassionate leave thing, and when he feels up to it he may be able to do something about it.
Hope they complete the PM soon and let you know the results as soon as possible.
What a beautiful poem - just beautiful.
Have been thinking about you and your family for some days now - keep wondering how you are all doing.
My DH was also treated badly after our DS3 was killed. At first the company he worked for were sympathetic but within days they moved him off the trade counter he worked on because he couldn't stop crying. They told him to 'get a grip!!!' Delighted to say that, a few years after he had left the job, the company went bankcrupt - I think thats called 'karma.'
Feeling very very low today. It just feels so overwhelmingly unbearable. I should have been so heavily pregnant now enjoying my maternity leave, pottering around getting everything ready. Instead of the beginning the end has already happened and all we have is memories of her. I miss her so so so much. I just want to hold her
WTW, I am upset thinking about all that you have talked about on here, so Lord knows how you and your family are feeling. Sending love and prayers for the strength you need right now.
I think I was in terrible shock after my sons died....I used to be amazed that my head or heart hadn't 'blown up.' Amazed that I still woke up every day - and, to the outside world, I carried on functioning. The longing to be with our precious children feels overwhelming. Always, always here for you - if you need to cry, scream, laugh, swear, shout etc etc.
Why dont you have a nosy at our 'MN special thread' a place where we never thought we would be but glad we found it, for the love and support. Would you like me to link it again? xxxx
I am so sorry. There are no words that can ever make this better .
oooh whatever big hugs! just like you I should have been very pregnant by now! yesterday it was 3 months ago that I gave birth to our little angel! It does get better I promise, but I can also say, you will never forget about her! Wish I could do more for you than just writing these words down on here! x
more (((hugs))) here, Whatever and Bluetinkerbell. I know it doesn't in any way alleviate your distress but I hope it is some small comfort that you have people thinking of you around the world xx
There is a wonderful poem called 'I Am There' which really helped me when I lost my son at six months old. I will try to find it...
here it is:
I particularly like the 'I take your hand' part...
so sorry to read about your heartbreaking loss - it's set me off a bit with tears but I probably needed them... life is so hectic that I barely get time to think about my first DS, which isn't great. It's been 8 yrs now and sometimes it feels like yesterday, but it DOES get easier with time - but you will never forget and you won't want to. Some days I feel like I'm the only one who remembers I ever had another son who would've been 9 this year
I've had those 'can't get out of bed' days, and counselling really helped me - the feeling that everyone else is just carrying on and forgetting while you can't even function is horrible. Having someone to talk to who is detached, who you don't have to worry about upsetting, was a great relief for me.
Thinking of you and your family...
That is truly awful about regarding your husband's employer. Don't they have compassionate leave?
Just 'checking in' with you and wondering how you are?
Think about you everyday and wonder how you are doing.
Take care xxxxx
Ah I am 'okay' thank you. Days seem to be passing by.
Got to go to sil wedding on Saturday - am dreading it as it is in the registry office where we had to register Erin's birth and death . We always said I'd either be hugely pregnant or maybe have a newborn when we went. Never dreamt it would be neither.
oooh whatever big hugs for you! lots of strength to get through the wedding!
My sister's wedding was 3 weeks after I gave birth to Sterre! So I also felt quite strange to go there thinking I should have still been pregnant and lots of people would have congratulated us on the pregnancy...
Have lots of to get you through! x
Thinking of you lots too. Be kind to yourself tomorrow and if it gets to much think of yours and not anyone elses feelings and get the hell outta of there. X
Oh yes i know what 'okay' feels like
There are times....even all these years on....that I avoid parties, weddings etc. My DS3's classmate got married last week (he was almost 8 years old when he was killed) she invited me and said how lovely it would be to all get together again as she hadn't seen me for many years. I found out that my Matt's best friends would be there - all 27 years old and parents themselves. Somehow I forgot all about it!!! but did email the lovely young lady to explain.
Whatever, I am so so sorry to read your thread and just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts regularly. I gave birth to my angel 3.5 years ago and although in time the pain lessens, it will never go away. I spend lots of family time thinking I wonder what William would have thought of this, would he have enjoyed the beach, the new puppy etc etc
So sorry that you have joined the awful club that some of us are members of. Look after yourself and your family XX
Hi whatever - Just wanted to say, even though you might feel you should or might partly want to, you don't ^ have^ to go to the wedding on Saturday. It's OK to think about your feelings and what you want to do. What does DH (and K) think about it ? I can imagine K might be looking forward to going, but that still wouldn't necessarily mean that you needed to go if you would rather not. Anyhow, as someone else said, definitely remember that you can leave early !
Whatever, wishing you lots of strength for tomorrow. Remember as the others have said that you can leave early - but remember also that you can arrive late. Should you decide that you can't face the registry office, just go to the reception instead - and only stay as long as you can stand it.
Shabba - not surprised you "forgot" about that wedding - that would have been hard to attend, I think. The parents of one of my school friends attended another school friend's wedding - the mother was also our teacher - but our friend had been killed in a car accident aged 19, so it must have been hard for her to come to a wedding knowing that her own DD would never be able to have one. Don't know how she managed it, tbh.
Thanks all definitely planning on leaving early! No option not to go as dp is giving the bride away. Wouldn't leave him to face it on his own.
not so lovely mil did charmingly say 'only happy tears allowed at the wedding!!!' grrr. may well be required!!
Oh and forgetting that wedding Shabba is most definitely understandable xx
Whatever lots of me thinks
And you can always give your MIL her "tears of happiness" when she gets squiffy and falls over!
Spam sorry to hear about your dd too. I guess there is a whole lifetime of events our angels won't be there for but glad to hear things do get a bit easier x
I think it's not so much a case of "time heals the wound" because it doesn't - you just get used to it and it's easier to live with. Some days it will still give you lots of pain and twinges, other days less so. But the pain days become fewer and the less-so days become more - and you carry on.
Your MIL is a prize. The booby prize.
Whatever, your MIL is a spectacularly insensitive and selfish woman.
I am so very sorry that you have that to contend with. She should be making your life easier not even harder than it is.
I'm struggling to comprehend her. Perhaps it's better not to try.
Will continue to think of you and your family. x
If there was a competition for thoughtless remarks, your MIL would bo a gold medal winner. Honestly, has the woman got no consideration at all?
You must still be pretty exhausted by the myriad of emotions that you're all going through but I hope that you can enjoy tomorrow for the happy event that it is for the couple getting married and leave as soon as you want to (hopefully after a glass or two of ).
Ah she really is a peach. Luckily we don't see her too regularly. Dp's adoptive parents are very much his 'real' mum and dad. They have been wonderful. His birth mum is very much in the 'oh well you can have another one camp' I don't think she's malicious just very dim.
Poor K is having trouble getting to sleep at night I think she thinks about Erin more than I realise. She got upset at school today as someone asked her if she had any brothers or sisters and she didn't know what to say. We had a long chat last week as I thought this question may crop up and I told her it was fine to say she had a baby sister who died and is in heaven or just to simply say no if she didn't feel like saying. It's so hard to know what is right for her. I think I will call one of the child bereavement charities next week for advice. She asked tonight how Erin can be in heaven because we buried her in the ground. It must be so confusing for her - how on earth do you go about explaining a 'soul' to a 4 year old?! We went together to the church after school to light a candle for Erin. I'm not a regular church goer but I felt strangely peaceful and close to Erin being in there again.
Some beautiful flowers arrived today from a very old friend who lives in South Africa now - we haven't spoken other than Facebook messages for years and she'd heard what happened. What a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. It gives me an excuse to keep Erins cards up longer too as we'd agreed to take them down when all the flowers were gone and I'd had to take down the last ones yesterday.
Another lady who lost her baby sent me a link to this site namesinthesand.blogspot.com and I've added Erin's name to the Sunset waitlist. Wanted to share in case any of you lovely ladies that have lost a baby or child would like to do one. I think they are really beautiful.
Hope this is of some help. I used to tell DS1 (now almost 30 years old) that we all have a soul....that means what is inside us...its the way we treat people, the way we care about other people....the way we laugh...the way we cry - the soul is so important. When we die our soul goes to heaven - our body is just our shell that we dont need anymore. xx
WTW, I'm really pleased to hear that your DH's adoptive parents are being wonderful and that you don't have to see the other MIL too often.
I'm not sure how on earth a 4 year old can understand the awful tragedy that has happened to your family. A charity such as Winstons Wish will probably be able to give you some good advice.
There is a crematorium being built near our town and our ds's (5 and 3) have asked what it is for. I've explained it by saying that when somebody gets very poorly, they die and that the bit of them that makes them "them" goes somewhere else, somewhere nice (I'm not sure about heaven) and so they don't need their body any more and so we either bury their body or it is put in a hot oven and turned to ashes. It's all a bit more candid than I'd ever had imagined saying to them but they do seem to understand. They also seem quite reassured that the bit that makes a person "them" hasn't gone completely, just somewhere else.
Sorry for the waffle, I'm sure that Winstons Wish will be far more helpful.
Thank you both. Shabba that's kind of how I tried to explain but she was getting really quite technical about it - but how does the soul get out of the ground now the earth is all on top of her etc I then
fucked it up made it worse by saying it's like air all around us and she looked even more confused and went back to her sylvanian's. Think Winstons Wish is the way to go thank you IWish.
Dp's nan was cremated a few months ago and that was much easier as we explained when the body was burnt the smoke went to heaven, bit harder with a burial. I never knew what I thought about heaven before this happened but I really really hope that is where Erin is now.
I don't really know what I think about heaven, but my Mum died when I was 19 and I'm quite sure that a part of her lives on somewhere. I just don't know where.
Gosh, if we don't know what to think it's mindboggling to try to understand how a 4 year old feels.
I think that as long as K is feeling safe and loved, with you answering her many and varied questions as openly and honestly as you can then you won't be going far wrong.
Really need to stop torturing myself looking on facebook at my friends newborn pictures (4 have had babies in the last week) and at the pregnancy/childbirth threads on here
Not posted before but wanted to send a big hug.
Your daughters are beautiful
wishing you strength
Whatever - I don't know if this will help or not but DS learnt very early about death through watching Lion King. I didn't mean for him to, I'd never seen it myself but I knew a friend's little boy loved it so thought it would be ok for DS to watch at 2! oops.
Anyway - the concepts are there, not so much the circle of life thing but Simba's dad does "come back" in the clouds to talk to him, so it might help put it into context?
But of course the charities are far more likely to have more sensible suggestions to offer and I hope you can find a way to explain to K that her sister's spirit is still alive and with you all, even though her little body wasn't able to contain it.
Letting her talk about it when she needs to is probably the best thing you can do for her.
So about you having to see all the other babies around you - it's hard. I can't tell you to stop doing it but it would probably be better to give yourself a little rest from it, especially the pg/childbirth threads on here. Hide the topics - you can always unhide them again later.
Actually Thumbwitch I think Lion King is a good idea. Think it's going to be in the cinemas again in a few weeks - will take her to see it.
What a brilliant idea Thumb......Lion King is a great idea.
I will ask my eldest son what worked for him when he lost his two brothers and what didn't work. He was 10, when his little brother was killed, and we ended up taking him to an amazing child physcologist (sp??) She would talk to him, in private, for a couple of hours a week - then she would allow us in and tell us what she thought we needed to know. I do think she was 100 per cent successful with him. His feelings were locked away and he couldn't express them.
I just wanted to add my condolences - it must be the worst thing to lose a child. I was the same age as your DD1 when my baby brother died stillborn and nameless at 36 weeks. In those days babies didn't get a grave etc and to this day I don't really know what happened to him and my parents don't discuss it.
I think its lovely that Katie has a grave to visit and that you are talking about what happened to her. I am sure its really important. I'm 36 weeks with my own son now and my parents are clearly quite anxious - perhaps because its a boy this time (have a DD already) and they are worried that the same thing might happen to him. They haven't even commented on the fact that he is a boy rather than a girl apart from to offer muted congrats when I told them over the phone, which is totally out of character as they are normally very chatty about everything that is going on and generally are lovely parents! I think the pain is all still locked away inside and it is reminding them of their own son who died.
So I think you're doing just the right thing for all of you by talking to Katie and not making it an unmentionable subject. It'll be lovely if she grows up knowing Erin was a little person and her sister.
My first post! I've been reading your 507 replies! Well not all - but most!
My baby was boy was born at just 24 weeks at the end of August and was doing so well.... but got an infection which just took over his body in a coupleof hours and he did after just 10 days of life. It would appear that you've had the memorial service etc now and your hubby is back at work... you're just trying to continue with life.
we're both back at work (and fortunately although my other half is new in his job too - they seem to have been more helpful (telling the team) and flexible with him. although we dont know what he has been paid yet!) and our memorial service is next week....
I just wanted to tell you what was going on with me just to share so that you know you're not alone. I've found that with everything i have read, people have only posted picture and stories of 'happier' endings. All i wanted to read was about others who have experienced a loss of their baby so early on after birth. Im sad for everyone in this position - but at the same time, it's helpful to know you're not on your own and there are others that as you can see - are writing their feelings exactly the same as how you feel, and that's strangely comforting.
Anyway, if i can help, then let me know! I've felt so supported from family and friends through everything and if i can help anyone else in a similar position that would be great x
oh, one more thing.
I read about the pm you had done. we also authorised one. I didn't see anyone give a response about the time on it.
we were told we would wait 4-6 weeks and then the hospital would contact us with a consultant appointment and they would tell us then about any tests and investigative results...... so hang in there.
Whatever they find out they will share with you - however little or much they know. the hospital staff do their best and they will let us know what they can.