Motherless mothers on mothers day

(92 Posts)
SiriusStar Thu 25-Feb-10 11:28:22

This will be my 10th Mothers Day without my mum. It got easier when I had my ds as it meant that I could "join in" and be part of it again.
I still find it hard though, seeing all the posters and cards. I get annoyed at buying a card for my mil and can't even write Mum on gift tags for her as it feels wrong.
The thing that people don't tell you about when someone dies is that you not only grieve for the past that has gone but the future you won't get as they are no longer with you.
My lovely Mum has missed so much and I feel the loss of her so keenly in March and then the anniversary in May. It may not sting as much but the dull ache is still there.

I suppose I just wanted to say that I am thinking of all you motherless mothers over the next couple of weeks.

beeny Thu 25-Feb-10 11:37:55

Thats really lovely post my lovely mum died in 1997 and i still often cant bear the pain.I was only 26 when she died.Im praying for both of us.

seb1 Thu 25-Feb-10 11:49:19

This will be my first, my Mum died 4 weeks ok.

runnybottom Thu 25-Feb-10 11:54:38

My 6th. I find it gets harder in some respects, not easier.

seb1 Thu 25-Feb-10 11:56:09

Typo should have said 4 weeks ago.

ninamag Thu 25-Feb-10 12:26:46

This is my first, mum died last year. This time last year I had no idea it would be our last together.

cyteen Thu 25-Feb-10 16:26:09

20th for me.

SiriusStar, do you find it hard being a mum without a mum? In terms of everyday stuff, I mean. I find it so hard sometimes, not having that continuity. My mum was lovely and there is so much about how she mothered us that I wish my DS could experience, but only snippets of it remain with me (I was only 14 when she died).

Sometimes it feels like I'm just spinning it out of thin air, iyswim. Would so love to have her there to lean on.

Besom Thu 25-Feb-10 16:41:05

seb and ninamag - sorry for your very recent losses.

It will be my 14th year without my mum.

I had pnd after dd was born and unresolved grief was a huge part of it - I suddenly identified with my mum and how she must have felt about me, but she wasn't here to go through the journey with me. I loved her very much.

Thanks for the thoughts Sirius.

SiriusStar Thu 25-Feb-10 22:33:15

She died just before my 22nd birthday. I feel like I was just starting to get to know her as a woman iykwim. I found being pregnant quite hard and still get upset when I see pregnant ladies with older women I assume are their mums esp shopping for baby things. Also, when I see friends mums with grandchildren. I so wanted to have been able to have my mum come and stay after my children had been born, like so many friends have had.
I know that I was glad to have had a son first as I worried that I would put too much pressure on a mother daughter relationship if I had a girl. After ds was born I had some counselling and then had a daughter. I feel better about that side of things now.
There have been so many times I have wanted to ask her stuff as my dad just can't remember or never knew. I know she had problems breast feeding and I suspect she had pnd after my sister was born so would have been handy to have had some experience there when I struggled.
Most of all I just miss my mum.
I miss her wrinkles, her hard nails, the feel of her hair, the scar on her hand, the way she said course, her glare, her handwriting, her voice, her smile.

SiriusStar you have summed it all up for me. Exactly. I was 24 when I lost my Mum.. this will be my 9th Mother's Day without her. I have since had 2 boys of my own. There is so much I wish I could ask her. I am lucky to have an amazing MIL but it's just not the same. I want my own Mum. I miss her bad jokes and her phone calls about nothing. I miss her stories about when we were kids - even though she told us the same ones over and over again. I miss how she made me feel like the most important person in the world and how even my smallest achievements meant something to her. No one loves you like your Mum. I'm with you all x

marymay Fri 26-Feb-10 20:00:30

This will be my first without my lovely mum she died suddenly and unexpededly at the end of november.
I miss her so very much she really was the best mum.I am dreading mothers day and my daughter is running in her trails for the childrens london marathon that day .So i know i have got to be happy and cheer her on when all i will want to do is be by myself and cry .

mumoverseas Sat 27-Feb-10 11:10:34

This will be my first without my mum who died last May. I'm dreading it as I'm still struggling with the fact that she has done and will never see her baby grandson.
I hope we get through it ok x

Solo2 Sun 28-Feb-10 16:58:58

This will be my 6th. Does it ever get any easier? I'm struggling at present as one of my twins is ill and he's just been looking through some of my old family photos and I just had to go away and cry. My father died just over a year ago as well sad and I also 'lost' my brother, around that time, as his grief came out in hostility towards me. He and I had been the closest 2 members of the family till I had my own children over 8 yrs ago now. We rarely have any contact at all now.

I had a mother who was never nurturing and because of her own issues, was a sad and damaged person but I never realised how much I'd miss her till she died. For me, it's the fact that there was no one else who's interested in the trivial stuff in life, like if I've bought something for the house or myself - there's no one to tell. She often reacted negatively but I actually really miss that - because I really miss her - warts and all.

I never ever appreciated what I had till it was too late. Everyone around me of my age, seems to still have living parents, even though I'm older than many posting here - at 46. Age seems to make no difference. It's just awful agony and the longing never seems to go away.

I'll celebrate for my sons' sake and had almost not thought about the fact that I can't celebrate my own mother...well, I can - but it's different now she's dead. It's really difficult to have to hide my grief so much ,as my sons were only 3.75 yrs when she died and so don't really remember her and yet I had her the whole of my life till I was 41.

SiriusStar Sun 28-Feb-10 22:18:44

Solo, that is sad to hear about your lack of family. I have a sister and even though we aren't the best of friends, we get on well and can share the mundane with each other.
I feel a bit similar in re to my mum not being the cuddly, nurturing type. When I tried to tlk to my dad about things about 6 months after, it was as if he was surpised that I was still upset. He said he didn't think we got on that well. He really had no clue! I asked if he knew that I called mum every few days, even if just to ask silly questions. He didn't.
I will be buying yellow roses and freesias for mothers day as they were her favourite.

chimchar Mon 01-Mar-10 06:57:16

its my first...my mum died suddenly in july last year...i feel like i've only just started greiving tbh....

i suppose mothers day will be all about me this year, and not about me spoiling my lovely mum.

sad

lemonadesparkle Mon 01-Mar-10 07:29:05

I lost my mum in Oct 2003 and almost every single day there is something that I wish I could share with her sad. I think it was the day I truly realised that we are not all guaranteed to have a tomorrow.

It breaks my heart to know how she supported me through such sad and awful times (serious ill health and a hideous divorce) but never lived long enough to meet my wonderful husband and son and see how happy they make me.

My ds has no grandparents to dote on him and although he is cherished and treasured by us I look at him and wish that he could, even for just one day, be held and loved by my mum

I hate March and the daily barrage of emails that drive the nails in even harder, reminding me to show her how much I love her.

SiriusStar I too will be buying Freesias (my mums favourites) for Mother's Day

weaselm4 Mon 01-Mar-10 21:53:49

This will be my 9th Mother's Day without my lovely mum, who died before I had my children. I know she would have been an amazing grandmother.

I hope this thread sticks around for a few weeks, as I think it's lovely (and probably quite helpful) to write about those we love and miss.

LilRedWG Tue 02-Mar-10 14:06:09

It's my second here. Mum died four weeks before Mothering Sunday last year.

Thinking of you all, particuarly those with such recent losses. xxx

Cosmosis Tue 02-Mar-10 14:07:39

Thinking of you all. This will be my 28th without my mum, who died when I was 7. I am pregnant with my first baby at the moment, and I can feel the grief kicking in anew as I suddenly find myself wanting to ask her all sorts of questions.

Hassled Tue 02-Mar-10 14:10:10

It will be my 27th year shock. I was 16. Thank you for starting this thread - it's another hard day in a series of hard days. I'm so sorry for those for whom it's a relatively recent loss.

Joolyjoolyjoo Tue 02-Mar-10 14:11:21

6th for me too. I see it as an excuse to think about my lovely mum and be happy for the times we had together. Of course I'd rather she was here, and sometimes feel it so unfair that she died so young when she was such a great person. BUT I've always said I'd rather have had MY mum for the 30 years I did than have anyone else's for 60. I'll no doubt have a wee "chat" with her on the day.

gramercy Tue 02-Mar-10 14:17:50

Well, it's inevitable - everyone loses their mother eventually in the natural order of things. But it's tough when it happens earlier than you thought.

I was particularly sad when pregnant with dd and every other woman in the John Lewis baby department was there with her mother. I actually burst into tears.

I also grieve for the fact that my parents would have loved the dcs, and it's a crying shame that the pil wouldn't even recognise the dcs in a line-up.

My one grain of comfort was selecting mil a mother's day card today - it's a real stinker.

SpicedGerkin Tue 02-Mar-10 14:19:29

24th here, i was 7 too cosmosis. Having a child really hits it home again.

I'm grateful for this thread. x

BurnyHill Tue 02-Mar-10 14:33:20

Spiced and Cosmosis - I was 7 too when my Mum died of cancer. I'm pg with #2 at the moment and since I've been a mum I've realised what I missed out on so much as a child. I also really wish I had my mum around as my 'mothering' role model, to ask advice from etc. Been out this morning to buy 'Mother's Day' cards for DH's family and it hurts every year.

Germangirl Tue 02-Mar-10 14:44:21

Hi
this thread made me cry.
this will be my 18th without mum. Definitely agree that it was hard being pregnant and seeing other women shopping with their mums.
And I miss her terribly sometimes over the most trivial things.
I wish she could have met my wonderful dh and dc and spoilt them as much as she did me.
Sadly my mother had trouble conceiving and so did I. We both got our dc by long/complicated means and I can so understand what she must have gone through.

It still amazes me when I hear people my age with grandparents.
Thinking of you all.
I take comfort from trying to be like my mum and bring up dc with values she instilled in me, that was a part of her will forever be alive.
I'm really sad our dc doesn't have grandparents to spoil him.

Cosmosis Tue 02-Mar-10 15:51:19

Burnyhill I so agree with you re the mothering role model. I was very lucky in that I had an aunt (my dad's sister) who took over the role to a great extent and was absolutely wonderful. Sadly she died 9 years ago so I have lost her too.

I had some counselling a couple of years ago about thhe whole thing (my mum and brother were killed in a car accident and it is something I have not dealt with properly) and my counsellor assured me that although I do not remember my mother very much, i will have unconscious memories of her mothering which should help me with mine.

assumetheposition Tue 02-Mar-10 16:04:36

It will er my 6th too. It's only when you have children of your own that you realise how much your parents loved you.

I know my husband loves me and will support me but it's never the same.

I find mother's day easier now that I have children but it's still very hard.

ohfuschia Tue 02-Mar-10 19:29:28

So much here I recognise, I almost couldn't post it hurts so much. Lost my darling Mum on March 13th last year so will have her anniversary and then Mother's Day will follow. Mum passed away on the day of my 20 week scan, she had been taken in in the early hours of that morning, was in intensive care and I walked across to the maternity wing to have the scan. I pretty much knew she wouldn't survive the day so decided to have the scan and find out the sex of my baby so I could tell her - I hope she heard me, and also heard me tell her I hoped to do even close to the job that she did.

It's so hard to be in a world without her, though my baby is such a joy and I'm thankful for him every day.

As the anniversary approaches I've been finding myself brooding again, and the first spring sunshine, while welcome, is a reminder that another season is arriving without her. Went to her grave yesterday and today, and did find some comfort there.

I did email Cruse last week, as feel I need to blurt a load of stuff out so it might help stop the freefloating thoughts - have had nothing back yet, maybe will try and give them a call.

Thanks for the thread Sirius, thoughts out to all of us without our touchstones.

whitecloud Tue 02-Mar-10 20:54:25

SiriusStar - thank you for starting this thread. It will be my second Mother's Day without my Mum - she died in June 2008. Last year I couldn't bear to go over to my mother in law's - I knew I would just cry so I stayed alone and cried. Am not sure how it will be this year. Feel for anyone who has to be with their husband or partner's family - it can make you feel so alone when they are all together.

Good to know that there are others going through the same. I feel particularly for the ladies who lost their mothers young. But it is so hard at any age.

tartyhighheels Tue 02-Mar-10 21:20:22

Thanks for starting this. I lost my Mummy almost 8 years ago and I miss her a lot of the time. I drove past her horse field today and thought of her. I still look for her car there each time I go past: daft as it is. My DH lost his Mum too and we sometimes have a little chat and a little tear because they have missed out on so much. My Mum knew my oldest but I have had two more since then and am expecting another. What I feel sad about is that my life has moved on so much and she would have been so happy for me and my family.

However, I do try to think of what she has left behind rather than what I lost when she died. All my children have a grain of her in them, parts of me (the nice bits mainly) are similar to her - so I feel that even though she has left in body she is still here in all we do.

BurnyHill Wed 03-Mar-10 08:48:36

Cosmosis I know exactly what you mean, I was very close to my grandmother and I suppose she is my role model (one hell of a woman I can tell you!) but we lost her 3 years ago and that was the hardest thing because I feel like I've had two 'mums' die now. Now, without either, I often feel lost.

Shoshe Wed 03-Mar-10 09:00:49

It will be 19 years this year since Mom died from Breast Cancer, I was 31, and had looked after her for the 18 months before, although she had been diagnosed for 4 years by then.

Mother's Day has always been hard for me, Mom was by best friend, and there is still days I see something on TV, or read something in the paper and think 'I must ring Mom and see if she has seen that'

I dont think you ever get over losing your Mom.

Quiltingmama Wed 03-Mar-10 09:05:03

My Mum dies ten years ago and I am (very) pg with DC2 now - she never got to know I have had children which is one of my biggest regrets. She would have loved DS - they are so similar. My father has advanced Alzheimers so can't talk about her or remember just about anything including me, Dh or DS which is horrible. Mother's Day will be orchestrated around my MIL as usual which sort of suits because I can metaphorically curl up in a corner with my memories but I wish someone would acknowledge that Mum isn't here but was a brilliant mother when she was. Thank you for starting this thread -I thought it was just me who felt like this, silly really.

I alternate between feeling so sad becasue she never saw how DH and I have built up our family, it was what she always wanted for us, and feeling happy I at least had her until I was 30. That's more than many people get.

I tried Cruse too when she died but could never get through - lack of funding I guess. I had some counselling in the end which was worthwhile. Take care everyone

BurnyHill Wed 03-Mar-10 09:05:17

Shoshe Again, that sounds similar to me, my mum died when I was 7 but had been ill for years. Its not that I lost her at 7 as such, I gradually lost her bit by bit over the years. In fact, I think for me, the biggest impact on me was the constant stress and worry of the hospitals, the ambulances the wondering what would be next. I think people underestimate how much children know/pick up on.
You're right though, its not something you get over. Lots of people have told me 'time heals all wounds' but I think that is utter rubbish personally. We just get better at coping with it, thats all, it doesn't hurt less.

BessieBoots Wed 03-Mar-10 09:06:23

This will be the 6th year without her. She died aged 44. I have reached a point that I smile instead of feeling sad when I think about her, but I do wish that I could have cooked her a nice meal (learned to cook after she died), sung her a song, and mostly, I wish she could have met my DSs. She would love them so much- But then, I think she is loving them, from somewhere.

I have a Mother's day tradition of buying flowers for Mam and MiL (also deceased), going for a walk to somewhere beautiful, and leaving the flowers there for them. I found I felt worse if I tried not to think about it on the day- It madde me miss her even more. Now DH and I talk a lot about how lucky we were to have such wonderful mothers, who gave us a solid start in life.

Hope you're all okay xxx

wilbur Wed 03-Mar-10 09:14:38

So sorry to all those here with such recent losses. My mother died in 1997, just after Mother's Day, so I have the two dates very close together - this time of year always feels like Mum's time to me still. She also missed seeing all her grandchildren and my sister and I getting married - so many things she was looking forward to that were taken away. It's a long road, coming to terms with it, but it does get better - it never goes away and there will always be times that it all comes back as sad as ever, but you do find a place for it, eventually. Having said that, I am off to John Lewis today, mum's favourite store, and there are always so many adult daughters shopping with their mums there, it always makes me sad.

SiriusStar Wed 03-Mar-10 10:42:48

Bessie, I like you idea of going for walk and leaving some flowers somewhere. my Mum was cremated and so don't really have anywhere to go, so that is a lovely idea.

Sunshinemummy Wed 03-Mar-10 11:36:55

SiriusStar thanks for starting this thread. I lost my mum 21 years ago when I was 18 and I also find Mother's Day hard, even though I have DS and DD. When I first see the display in the shops I have to turn away and, like you I can't bring myself to write mum on my MIL's cards.

One thing I like to do on any special day to do with her is buy some flowers for my house and just spend a few moments thinking about her. She does have a grave but it feels like it's nothing to do with her. This time of year is especially nice as daffs were her favourite flowers.

deaddei Thu 04-Mar-10 22:19:26

I have just seen this thread and have tears rolling down my face.
My mum died 28 years ago when I was 22, and I can't really remember her at all. We weren't very close, but I have lots of "issues" and think it all comes from losing my mum fairly early on in life. Like you Sirus Star, she was cremated, so have no where special to go.
And I'll have to go now as I can't see for crying, and I don't want dh to see me like this.

SiriusStar Fri 05-Mar-10 21:25:35

deaddei, I am sorry this has made you so sad. You are not alone.
Please come back if you can.

liahgen66 Fri 05-Mar-10 21:31:21

this is my 32nd yr without my mum, she died when i was 11.

We don't live anywhere near where her ashes lay, (amongst everyone elses as my stepdad didn't want them). I have just kind of got used to it over the years tbh. I don't like it but I live with it now.

Also the aniversary of her death on the 20th march too.

I never write mum on mil's cards or anything, not do i buy them, this is dh's job. When we got married she did say, "you'll have to call me mum now" I just looked at her as if sh was mad, we don't get on that well at the best of times. hmm

It's a hard time of year.

This will be the second year without my mum. She was the most fantastic person and I regret so much that she was taken from our family. We all lost so much. I hope that I cherished my mum every day and she knew how much I loved her but MD is especially hard. My sis and I will go to sit with her ashes that are buried in the garden and have a chat about stuff to her and a little cry. Thought will be with everyone else who has lost their mum.

Haribolicious Mon 08-Mar-10 10:59:32

Thanks so much for this thread - I've only just found it but have been thinking about my Mum a lot in the run up to Mother's Day....it will be my 1st without her and I have been wondering how the heck I'll deal with it. I don't live near where she is buried but will be visiting in a few weeks, so will lay flowers then but I too can't face getting MIL a card or writing 'Mum' and the displays in shops leaves a lump in my throat. I have a DS but really feel like I don't want to mark the day at all sad
So sorry that there are so many of us....thinking of you all.

LilRedWG Mon 08-Mar-10 11:48:02

Harib - I got away without celebrating MD at all last year. DD was young enough not to know or care.

DH, DD and I pottered in the garden and ignored all things MD. We just had a lovely day together and remembered Mum. DH found a plant under a pile of ivy and honeysuckle, that my Dad had bought me several years ago. He'd bought himself one too as the name references Mum's Christian name (a nickname that she couldn't stand) and maiden name. It made us laugh at the time and made DH and I smile when we found it. DH re-potted it and it now has pride of place on the patio - DD knows it as Granny and Grandad's plant.

What I'm trying to say is do what makes it easiest for you. If you don't want a big fuss, just say. Everyone will understand.

Haribolicious Mon 08-Mar-10 13:23:41

Hi LilRed....thanks for that...I'd like to do something like get a plant - Mum loved to garden and with not living close to the cemetery, DH has suggested doing something we can have closer....just not sure what yet! Hope you're doing ok....

MadameOvary Mon 08-Mar-10 13:33:03

Thanks for starting this thread.
My Mum died 23 years ago, I was 17 and my unspeakable father did not even give her a gravestone. I had to ask where she was buried.

So sorry DD will not know any GP's.
Makes me want to weep everytime she sees "Grandpa in My Pocket" and says "Grandpa" sad

First time I have felt "allowed" to be envious of other women with Mums.

loujay Mon 08-Mar-10 13:42:28

Thanks for startin ghtis thread, I lost my Mum 5 years ago
It was her birthday yesterday and then mothers day next so this week will not be a good one for me or my sister.
I miss my Mum every day, and am sad that she never knew my DS, although she knew DD for the first 16 months of her life.
It is the little things that get me, I still want to tell her stupid stuff that has happened throughout my day (stuff that DH is not particularly interested in and i could have spent an hour talking to my mum about!!)
Seeing this thread has made me realise how I am still grieving for her 5 years later

whitecloud Mon 08-Mar-10 17:09:31

This thread is such a comfort. How do you deal with having to be with your m-in-law and the other side of the family? Think mine is planning to go out and have a celebration. Couldn't face it at all last year but this is my second Mother's Day without my Mum. I'm sure everyone thinks I should be through it more than I am. A comfort to realise that so many people are finding it difficult. I find days that are meant to be joyful the hardest of all....Worry that the tears will suddenly well up and it won't be acceptable to feel bad....

SiriusStar Mon 08-Mar-10 22:17:33

I suppose in some ways I am lucky in that we don't live close to my mil. We never really made a big deal of Mother's Day for my mum, we would get a card and maybe a potted primrose or a box of chocolates. I think that sil and bil make a bigger deal than we do. I buy a card for mil but leave it up to dh. I just can't bring myself to make the extra effort. It isn't that she is horrible, just I feel sad she isn't my mum.

CaptainUnderpants Thu 11-Mar-10 08:42:40

It s my 3rd Mothers Day with out my Mum plus it is her birthday in March aswell .

Ever since Mum passed away I have refused to buy a Mother s Daycard for MIl , that is now down to DH .

I started finding it hard this week as I work in a playgroup and the children are making Mothers Day cards. I also refuse to go to church On Mothers day with my sons for Beavers and cubs because I can't deal with it and get extremely emotional .

I can't just go and see where Mums ashes are scattered because we live 200 miles away. Both my boys will be out playing rugby on Sunday mornig so might just have a good cry at home and get it out of my system for the day.

WizzyWoo Thu 11-Mar-10 12:21:54

I'm glad I found this thread as I feel I have no one to talk to about this. My mum died very suddenly 5 weeks ago. I have a 2 year old daughter and a 3 month old son and am feeling claustrophobic with all the mothers' day stuff everywhere. Not sure whether to pretend it's just another sunday or to act like it's mother's day, ie, with cards from my kids (written by their daddy of course) etc. Any advice?

My mum's grave is in the Isle of Man so I can't visit it. I just feel so lost.

My baby shoved his toes in his mouth today and laughed and I just wanted to ring mum to tell her but I can't. Have never felt to alone or childlike. I'm so sorry to all of you who have lost mums too. My thoughts are with everyone.

LilRedWG Thu 11-Mar-10 17:58:57

Oh Wizzy - I could have written your post this time last year. I'm so sorry for your loss. What you do on the day is up to you entirely. I chose to totally ignore the day and have requested a very low-key day this year. Do whatever is easiest for you.

Take care. x

Cosmosis Thu 11-Mar-10 19:23:47

So sorry for your loss Wizzywoo.

Thinking of all of us as the day gets closer.

canella Thu 11-Mar-10 19:37:29

wizzywoo and all the others here with recent bereavements - so so sad to read - my heart goes out to you - its a really sad time of year without your mum.

my mum died when i was only 9 (26 years ago) so it became just like a normal part of growing up to avoid any great talk of Mothers day. But like everyone else on here its just made so much worse when you have your own dc - it kind of makes me feel like there is some injustice in the world - why cant i celebrate this day with my mum? why cant my kids be making granny cards for her? but then i dont remember very much about her so i never talk about her to them - dont really know what to say - so they wouldnt even be making cards for granny in heaven.

it doesnt make it better but a friend once said that most people have some sadness in their life - maybe they cant conceive, maybe they are seriously ill or maybe they lost someone else close to them and unfortunately not having a mum is my cross to bear. and it makes me thankful for everything else i have in life and thankful for evey prescious moment i have with my kids.

Cicatrice Thu 11-Mar-10 19:48:26

My mum died when I was a baby, so mother's day was never "done" when I was a child, and growing up I never thought that I missed her.

But when I got pregnant, I was cripplingly lonely and lost and when I saw how much my DS was attached to me when he was a baby I realised that although I couldn't remember it, losing her must have been a huge loss to me at the time.

Now I think that I would have been a very different person had I been mothered.

I'm really sorry for those who are grieving.

toomuchmum Thu 11-Mar-10 20:30:42

Heartfelt sympathy to all who are struggling.

I lost my unique and wonderful mum three years ago and still struggle without her. I got so annoyed the other day when a shop assistant tried to sell me perfume for mothers day.

Mothers day has always been a bit sad in our house, I have two 'step kids' who have no contact with their mum (she has a severe drug problem). It used to infuriate me when they were forced to make mothers day cards at school, not everyone is lucky enough to have a mum.

I just try to remember how fortunate I was to have had my mum, she really was one of a kind. She was dying when I was pregnant with my first DD and my consultant kindly allowed me to be induced at 38 weeks to allow my mum to meet my baby. She had three wonderful weeks with her and for that I will always be truly grateful. My mum died happy that my little girl had arrived safely. Selfless to the end.

God I miss my mum.

Just shedding a few tears as I read this thread. I feel really comforted to know that others are in the same position. toomuchmum your story really touched me. This is my first mothers day without my Mum. She died on 9th Jan & I miss her so very much. I haven't got any brothers or sisters but I do have some fantastic friends. However only a few of them truly understand what life is like without your Mum. One friend sent me a lovely card today just to say she would be thinking of me this weekend & the other sent me a lovely email saying that she knew my Mum was so proud of me & adored me. The card & the email made me cry but they mean so much to me.

Here's a poem I found recently:

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.

SiriusStar Fri 12-Mar-10 21:07:16

Thank you cinemaparadiso

stleger Fri 12-Mar-10 21:23:55

My own mother died 25 years ago, when dh speaks to MIL on the phone about something trivial I always feel envy! Today I met a man Iknow slightly whose mum died recently; his family are scattering her ashes on Sunday on her daughter's grave. Poor family.

moaningminniewhingesagain Fri 12-Mar-10 21:39:12

15 years now since my mum died. I still feel very uncomfortable with buying a card for MIL from DH. It was Mothers Day when my DD was born though, which was lovely that year.

We had a difficult relationship and then she suffered with mental illness so I started grieving long before she actually died, but I do still feel huge envy sometimes- especially when I was having the DCs. I can't honestly say I miss my mum but I really miss having a mum IYKWIM.

Thinking of all of you, especially those having their first Mothering Sunday without their mum x

Portofino Fri 12-Mar-10 21:53:30

My mum died 37 years ago. Wow I can't quite believe it, and had to work it out. blush

Like others on this thread, after many years of "being used to it", I found it strangely hard when I got PG and when DD was born. My mum was 21 when she died. She was cheated of so much. I wish so much she was here to see her gorgeous granddaughter. sad

I am lucky that I always had my Grandmother and she stepped in so many ways. She is 82 now and in poor health. I think I will find her passing a lot harder to deal with. She is the person I have always celebrated on Mother's Day. I only hope she has quite a few more in her.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Fri 12-Mar-10 22:20:16

It's 15 years now since my Mum died. I was 19 and away at University. She had cancer but was doing well. I think my Dad tried to protect me by not really telling me what was going on so it was a huge shock when mum deteriorated suddenly and died quickly.

Although I don't consciously think about her every day any more, there are so many times that I'd like to speak to her to tell her something or ask her advice.

It seems such a waste. She raised the 3 of us brilliantly, often with little support from my Dad, but she died without getting the chance to pass on much of her wisdom to us. So often when I'm struggling wih something I think, "Mum would know that". It makes me feel angy as well as sad.

She has missed so much - my Graduation, never met my DH, either of our ds's or any of my neices and nephews. It all seems so unfair.

It was her birthday in March too. I always seem to struggle through this month and feel relieved once it's over.

Luckily my MIL is great, but I hand over all responsibility of getting cards, presents etc for her over to DH.

I'll enjoy being a Mum myself on Mothers Day, but feel shortchanged that I haven't got my own Mum to hug and say Thankyou to.

Thanks for starting this thread, I too have wept a wee tear reading through. Mothers Day is always hard but I find Christmas and her birthday even more difficult and for the past 4 years have posted a birthday message to her here

paddingtonbear1 Fri 12-Mar-10 23:26:47

My mum died of cancer 5 1/2 years ago, when dd was only 1. We didn't always get on but I do miss being able to tell her stuff, especially about dd, who she adored. dd doesn't remember her but mum made a book with photos for dd to look at when she is older.

dd made a lovely card for me, but it does still feel strange having noone to buy for myself. dh buys his own card and some flowers for MIL.

marymay Fri 12-Mar-10 23:41:34

CinemaParadiso ..Thank you for the poem.I wrote eariler in this thread that it will be the first mothers day without my lovely mum.Im going to put some flowers down for her tomorrow and i am going to use your lovely poem .As it just sums up how i feel.
Thinking of everyone on sunday xx

2shoes Fri 12-Mar-10 23:52:30

I can't read all this thread as I know it will make me cry.
my mum died when I was 18. which was over a lifetime ago, but I still miss her, over the last 2 years my SM then my darling Dad died.
so can I just send love to all of you who are missing a loved one.

Asana Sat 13-Mar-10 21:07:41

My mum died 13 years ago. I had never really paid any attention to Mothers' Day, but tomorrow is my first one as a mum. Have spent ages crying today thinking about my mum and just how much I miss her. Every year, I promise myself I will get over it, and every year, I fail miserably. I miss her smell, her smile, her laugh. I remember how as a child I always insisted on going to bed with an item of clothing she had worn just for comfort. I feel so angry that she isn't here. I want to be able to tell her that being a mother is bloody difficult, and I have no idea how she managed to birth and raise five children. My DS is ill at the moment, and I feel so useless and powerless to help him. I wish she was here to tell me what to do and how to make things better. I miss laying my head in her lap whilst she told me silly stories and tickled the back of my ears. I miss her hugs. I miss how, despite being the most difficult child ever, she never stopped telling and showing me how much she loved me. I go to playgroups and see other women with or talking about their mothers, and usually spend the remainder of the day trying to hold back tears. Most of all, I look at my DS and think I can never be that good a mother to him.

Oneandnomore Sat 13-Mar-10 21:58:46

My mum died two years ago.

This year seems harder than ever. I miss her so much.

Thinking of you all on here tomorrow. xx

SiriusStar Sun 14-Mar-10 10:04:46

To all you lovely ladies who have posted here:
I hope that you feel truly loved and valued as a Mother today and may you remember the mums you have lost with smiles as well as tears.

Lilyloo Sun 14-Mar-10 10:07:07

It will be 8 years this year since i lost my mum , always find today hard. Going up to the cemetry in a bit with some flowers.

aristocat Sun 14-Mar-10 10:36:47

hello ladies, i too have lost my mom and dad.
it has been 10 years and i still think about them every day sad

today is always going to be difficult for all of us.

my biggest wish would be that they could be here to see their lovely grandchildren sad sad

love to all of you!

KateF Sun 14-Mar-10 10:39:07

Thanks for this thread.My mum died just before Christmas. I don't think anyone has remembered that this is my first Mother's day without a mum.

squilly Sun 14-Mar-10 13:46:30

I'm so sorry for all you ladies struggling out there. This is my first MD without my mum too. She died 6th Feb after a battle with cancer.

We didn't have a great relationship in lots of ways and I learned how to be a good mum by doing what she didn't do ifykwim. But she was still my mum. And we were better when we were apart, so had gotten on great since I moved away.

I miss her. I guess this will be a tricky day from now on and I'm just glad to have somewhere to outpour a bit. I miss my familytoo, as they're 70 miles away and I don't get to see them when they're struggling too.

I think the saddest thing, to some degree, is that people don't even realise how hard this day is for us all. At least we have MN!

cyteen Sun 14-Mar-10 14:12:00

Cicatrice that is so sad Although you may be pleased to hear that it's made me feel a bit more kindly disposed towards my own mum - have been having an angry time the last two weeks after finding some stuff out about her suicide that infuriated me all over again. But your post made me remember, at her funeral, my great-aunt crying over the memory of mum as a tiny baby. She was somebody's daughter, lost, as well as our mother who chose to leave; she was vulnerable.

flowerybeanbag Sun 14-Mar-10 14:27:14

I've been avoiding this thread all week, but have stupidly read it today of all days. I was 4 when I lost my mum, and I look at my DSs today and can't bear the thought of what she went though knowing she was going to leave my brother and me.

I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful stepmother who brought me up from very young though, although she doesn't get a Mothers Day card.

magicOC Sun 14-Mar-10 16:55:35

I didn't know if I should post here or not as I don't have children, so please don't be annoyed with me.

Just wanted to say Happy Mothers Day to my own mum out there. Hope you and dad are having a good day.

It's been 14yrs sice she passed and the first mothers day was doubly hard as it was also a few days after Dunblane. Although we as a family were not directly affected, it did affect the town as a whole. Horribe horrible time.

Time does heal tho,you can't change the past, but, nothing can ever destroy the memories we have of sharing that time with a mother, so sorry for those who lost their mother at a very young age.

Really feel for all of you who are going thru this for the 1st time, I hope today has not been too difficult.

asdx2 Sun 14-Mar-10 17:05:25

I lost my mum 25 years ago yesterday I was 17.I hate it when Mothers Day falls around her anniversary it's like a double blow.Added to that it's Dad's birthday today and more than 10 years since he died.
I miss them both.It feels so unfair mum never met her grandchildren and whilst I celebrate with my own children I still feel sad that I haven't got my own mum and it makes what should be a happy day difficult.

dillydallydolly Mon 15-Mar-10 00:59:55

I've just stumbled on this thread and am so glad I did and seeing that i'm not alone. Have felt terrible the days leading up to today when you see all the reminders to 'treat your mum', looking for cards with just the right sentiment on behalf of DP for his Mum! and everyone on gmtv with the 'best mum' competition, it felt like a little bit more of my heart was breaking and I just want to shout at the telly "but you dont know - MY mum WAS the best"
Of course I didnt DS and DD would give me the look that says whats up with you woman, you have us and you should be so happy, we love you so much.
And I am so so happy with my little family but that seems to only make it all the more depressing for me, especially at this time of year that the one person who knows you better than you know yourself and that could help you in a flash with all the questions, insecurities and dilemas you have just is'nt able to share in all the daily ups and downs that your children bring along and that you cant tell her WOW! I am Utterly Amazed how you did all that you did for me and my brother in such trying circumstances and how I love you all the more for it now because I have had a tiny taste of what some of your life must of been like.
It will be six years this summer since I lost my Wonderful Mum far too soon, we miss you but we dont forget you, Happy Mothers Day Mum xx

basl Mon 15-Mar-10 01:37:08

slightly different but i lost my sister 2 years ago now and her lovley sons 9 & 11 dread mothers day. They tell me how they keep getting asked by random people "what you gonna do for your mum on md" They tell me they can't wait for it to pass. They get asked things all the time by people who presume they have a mum and it is heartbreaking. So sad to read everyone else's thoughts as i am sure this will be them in years to come.

squilly Mon 15-Mar-10 13:14:42

So sorry for your nephews Basl. That must be so hard for them. And we ask these kind of questions without thinking sometimes. Made me think about what I ask in future.

I hope they managed to get through the day without too much grief.

basl Mon 15-Mar-10 13:52:57

thanks squilly that was so kind

DiddleAndGruff Mon 15-Mar-10 14:19:24

This will be my 7th year without my mum. But I feel I lost her long before that as she was ill for so many years and not herself emotionally. For the last year of her life she refused to allow me or anyone to visit her and rarely spoke on the phone (she was in agonising pain). I had jsut decided to visit regardless with the most perfect mother's day gift when I got a call to say she was slipping away. By the time I got to hospital she was more or less in a coma. The gift still sits in my wardrobe on the top shelf wrapped up. I simply don't know waht to do about it.

I feel very alone as I am left with a dad and brothers who do not approve of emotions or anything so called "sappy". I was not even allowed to have "In loving memory..." on her tombstone as that was just too sentimental.

I have very mixed feelings about her but I know the bad times we had were mainly caused by illness and I desperately crave her as she once was especially as I really need her advice with problems I am having with my dc. She would have stopped me feeling as worthless as I do now.

basl Mon 15-Mar-10 16:52:58

That must be so difficult for you Diddle, so many emotions held in really not got for you. At least you have mums net to talk about how you are feeling and sure you are no doing such a bad job with you dc than you think. If you can talk about it here at least that is something but i can't imagine what this has been like for you.

Pikelit Tue 16-Mar-10 18:53:40

My mother died 3 weeks ago. I knew, from the call we had at Christmas that I wouldn't see her again although there was no actual evidence to back my instinct up. We don't really do Mother's Day in our family but I did used to enjoy my mother's rants against the commercialism of it! I'm fortunate though. She died quickly and in the comfort of her own home aged 84. I am in my 50's so do not have that awful sense of loss that must accompany the untimely death of a mother when you are young. Of course I miss her but I am also relieved that she died as she did and not as the result of a long illness or following any loss of mental acuity.

magicOC Tue 16-Mar-10 20:36:54

Pikelit, so sorry for your recent loss. sad

Must be an age thing the commercialism smile. My parents used to say the same, although they did secretly enjoy being spoilt.

My mum suffered for 10yrs before her death which was hard to watch, in the end it was as you say a blessing.

My dad on the other hand, altho not in great health for over 30yrs, enjoyed life to the full and it was only in the last 18month he went downhill. The end was very quick (3wks) so we are grateful for that too.

Hope you are doing OK.

Pikelit Wed 17-Mar-10 12:44:50

Thanks MagicOC. I suspect I shall never entirely believe she isn't at home, in Northern Ireland, telling off naughty chickens and taking goats for a walk! But she touched many people's hearts by her character and kindnesses and I have good memories (which made for good stories at the class Irish wake we enjoyed) and for that I am exceedingly grateful. How much harder it must be to lose your mother many years before her time. My heart goes out to all of you in that situation.

toomuchmum Sun 21-Mar-10 07:51:06

Cinema Paradiso,

Your poem was lovely, thank you for sharing it. I was lucky in the respect that I have two sisters, we all helped each other through. Must be tough to cope with it on your own.

Hope everyone found a way to get through mothers day.

Fizzylemonade Wed 24-Mar-10 12:28:46

I've just found this thread, I am sorry for everyone who lost their Mum when they were so young.

Cinema Paradiso (love the name) the poem was beautiful.

My Mum died 2 months ago after a very short battle with cancer. Mother's Day was fortunately taken up with my niece's birthday party as my sister couldn't bear the thought of us all being horrifically upset on the day so gave us a distraction.

I'm lucky that my children are almost 7 and 4 so she knew them really well and my Mum was my friend as well as my Mum. She was a huge part of our lives.

I am lucky that we have video footage of her from last year when we took my children to Thomas Land so I have her voice to listen to.

I really hope everyone got through Mother's Day.

plum100 Wed 24-Mar-10 13:35:54

Hi all,

just found this thread - it was my first mothers day without mum too, she died at christmas.

It was a hard day but was no different to any other. I have this pain in my chest that wont go away, I miss her so much I just dont know what to do without her. I havent seen her for so long, I have so much to tell her. I feel I am too young to have lost her (my dad dies 4 years ago too) I need her. I feel like a 4 yr old in a supermarket who has lost their mum - Im frightened and I need her to look after me and she's not here.It really hurts.

aristocat Wed 24-Mar-10 18:16:42

plum100 sad your words are so true.
i am sorry to say that empty feeling is still with me and i dont think it will ever go away.
i lost my dad in dec 1999 and mom 6 months later. i have a super hubby and 2 lovely DCs and this helps me.

what i am trying to say is that you have to accept that your life has changed.
there is always someone on MN if you need to talk smile

pinkcat99 Fri 03-Jan-14 13:18:44

my mum died when i was a few hours old and dad always blamed me over the years he got married 3 more times one left him and he blamed me when i was 2 he dump me on his mum, when i was 16 i left home and nan died a few months later and dad blamed me again,a over the years people have told me things about my mum and dad, i know that i did not know my mum but i still miss her every day it has took me a long time to get over what my dad did and when he died i did not cry i was just happy that he was not here to hurt me any more. when i had my 3 children i wanted to be the best mum i can be and i hope that i am

telsa Fri 03-Jan-14 14:31:45

How very very sad. You have had a tough life, but it sounds as if you are making the very best of it with your children. I wish you all the best.

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