Mumsnet Talk

My lovely mil died 5years ago this month.
My husband was devastated, I did my best to support him but I stifled my own grief I think.

It felt 'cheeky' to be upset as it wasn't my mum that died. She was a lovely lady, warm and funny, intelligent and capable and I feel like I was just getting to know her and then she wasn't here anymore.

We have a dd now (3 years old) and it pains me that she doesnn't have any grandparents. (fil has passed away also, and my parents were emotionally, physically and sexually abusive). It feels so unfair that my parents are alive and dh's are both gone. I know that's an awful thing to say.

Mil and fil left us very well provided for and I know that we are very lucky in that respect, dh has been able to be a SAHD and I've been able to re-train for my dream career without any worries - so I feel awful whinging that they are not here anymore when I have to much to be grateful for, including having dh and dd.

Just needed to get that out!

Awww dippy

<<manly pat on the shoulder>>

I can completely understand why you feel it is unfair, and it is not awful to say how you truely feel (especially on here where it can't hurt anyone).

I have heard it said that grieving is harder if you feel like there was unfinished business, so if you feel like you were just getting to know her then that might apply.

Does your DH know how you feel?

Erm... no! I am a bit wary of bringing it up, I know how hard he found it when she died and I don't want to upset him. We do have our deep and meaningful conversations though, so eventually the oppurtunity will come up.

Definitely felt like there was unfinished business. When we realised how ill she was in the hospital, we went home late that night, discussed it and decided to bring her home, I'm a carer by trade so I was going to look after her until she passed away, but she died that night, so there was no chance to get her home and be with her.

It's funny but I know she wouldn't have wanted me to go through looking after her, she wouldn't have wanted to me to get upset (!!!) Lovely lovely lady, miss her loads, still feel like she's around though.

<goes off to make another cup of tea.>
Tea as we all know has grief calming properties!

Sorry to be so late to this, but the post looked so comparatively unattended (no offence intended, NormaStanleyFletcher), and when I read it, I just had to say that it is not_at_all "cheeky" to grieve for someone, no matter how insignificant your relationship may seem compared to someone else's! Your grief proves how you value this lovely person and her life, and it might support your DH to know that he was right to be so affected.

Also, please don't feel guilty about what she and your FIL "left" you; they left you something of themselves. After all, had they lived, it sounds as though they would have also found a way to help you realise these dreams.