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Bereavement

Telling an older child you are pregnant again

22 replies

Marina · 14/04/2003 22:30

I'm hoping someone out there might have some wisdom to share...sorry it's long.
I'm nearly 24 weeks now and have made it past our anomaly scan (which went fine) and the time that we lost our last baby (around 21 weeks). I'm feeling movements quite frequently now and am generally starting to feel less negative about the whole thing.
Ds1 took the news of Tom's death quite badly and even though he is not yet 4 still talks occasionally about "poor Tom" and has often said how much he'd like a baby brother or sister. So one of the reasons for putting us through the whole uncertain process again was because we knew he wanted a sibling and because we felt life would be better for him overall with one.
We haven't told ds about the new pregnancy yet and were planning to wait a while longer. Things he has said in recent weeks made us wonder if he had guessed, but you'd expect a child his age to be direct, wouldn't you?
Basically tonight he asked why my tummy was big and getting bigger, and to my horror, when I told him that there was a little baby in there (I just couldn't lie and he caught me on the hop) he burst into sobs and said he had changed his mind about a baby and wanted to be lonely after all. He asked me if I could stop it growing now.
I know it is normal for children to have mixed feelings about a new baby especially when they have been the only one for nearly four years. But losing Tom has complicated so much in our lives and caused so much sadness I honestly thought he might be pleased. Making ds1 happy after the rotten summer we all had last year has been a hope to cling to as I have been referred for more than one "no heartbeat found" emergencies, and frequently hated this pregnancy and what it has done to us.
Right now I feel that not only have I condemned dh and I to 40 weeks of constant anxiety and turmoil but now I've ruined everything for ds1 too. He has just stopped soiling himself, which he started doing after Tom's death.
If anyone has got any ideas about how I handle this from now on, having blurted it out so ineptly in the first place, I'd be so grateful. I did not let him see how distressed I am about his reaction - he's only being honest.

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Batters · 14/04/2003 22:53

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SueW · 14/04/2003 23:54

Oh Marina, sometimes I think you just have to deal with life as it comes along.

The only similar situation I have had was when my MIL died. We had spent two months living with her as she died and it took me two weeks after her death to tell DD. And then I blurted it out. It just popped out, all of its own accord, in spite of all the talk between DH and me about how he would tell her when the time was right etc.

We cried and cried together and I thought she would take a long time to get over it but she handled it very well, albeit with some gruelling (for me) questions over the next few months.

Your DS1 might want to talk about it and I suspect he may challenge you over the next few weeks with some questions that may hurt. He may raise his fears over the potential outcome of this pregnancy, etc.

I truly believe in being as honest as possible with such questions. If you feel sad or frightened, perhaps you can reassure him that it's ok to feel sad and frightened?

You haven't ruined anything for him - he will have a lifetime of fun with a sibling (and probably fair few arguments/squabbles etc too! Let's be realistic!).

((hugs))

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WideWebWitch · 14/04/2003 23:58

Marina, you would expect a child that age to be direct I guess but I wonder if he's taking his lead from you as he can tell that you two haven't been comfortable talking about it? I agree with Batters, they do say some awful things and they really don't necessarily mean them, although I know how wounding the words can be, even if you do deep down know this. I suppose emotions are complicated things and even adults with a wide vocabulary at their disposal can have a job adequately expressing them, so maybe it's not surprising that children sometimes express their emotions in inappropriate and hurtful ways. I think in your position I'd try to be as cheerful and as positive about the baby as possible in the hope that some of the enthusiasm will rub off on ds.

I'm glad you're starting to feel more positive though and that everything's ok. I haven't been in your position but I'm guessing that it might feel like holding your breath for 40 weeks. Presumably every week that passes lessens your risk though. I bet your ds is pleased at some level and will start to show more positive interest in the next few days when he's got used to the idea. I hope someone else has some better advice too.

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jobey · 15/04/2003 01:05

keep talking to him and listening let him know its o.k to feel the way he is.It sounds like he had already guessed that you were having a baby if you are very anxious he would be able to sence it.You don't know whats been going through his mind I wonder whether he could be thinking that it's all his thought that mummy is behaving the way she is because he wanted another baby or he may be scared of it happening again with all the sadness the family must have felt.All you can do is just keep talking and talking with him.I'm sure once the baby is here he will change his mind.Don't feel bad about having another baby he is a very lucky boy to be blessed with brother or sister.Wish you well

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jemw · 15/04/2003 09:17

marina - it sounds to me as if he is worried/scared of what happened with Tom may happen again - especially if he may have picked up about the baby and your own fears at getting past that all important 21 week milestone, I suspect it was a quick reaction but it is not want he truly means, ok, it was not quite the way you planned to tell him, but he is not likely to remember that,

I think as others said it is important to be honest with him and let him know it is okay to be worried but it is also a happy time and there are things to look forward to. Could you maybe get some magazines out or go to the shop and choose a present for the new baby or start getting him involved in the planning now?

Sorry this is rambling a bit, I should be working, I found it lovely and moving that he "remembers" Tom...
love jemw

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suedonim · 15/04/2003 09:23

What a lot of emotions for everyone to have to deal with, Marina. But I really don't think you need to worry too much about your DS's statement that he doesn't want a sibling. Even at his age, I doubt he can truly understand what a sibling will mean - the reality will be different to the fantasy. Maybe he now associates siblings with unhappiness after your dreadful summer, and that has worried him?

This time next year, when your new baby is an established part of your family, your DS will hardly be able to remember what it was like before he/she arrived and will have completely forgotten his comment, I'm sure.

Do any of the charities, like SANDS, offer any help when having another baby? Maybe NCT could use their experience register to find someone in a similar situation or put you onto a charity? Their number is 0870 444 8707. Best wishes for the rest of your pg.

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Katherine · 15/04/2003 09:39

Marina I really feel for you. This must be so hard for you all. I suspect that your son is associating having a new baby with all the pain and grief from last summer and has also probably picked up on your anxiety over the last few months. I am sure that as your feelings of confidence grow then so will his and when you get really excited and start getting the clothes out etc DS will get really excited too.

Not in the same league but when I told my DS (4) and DD (3) that I was pg again after my last mc they asked me if the baby would die and if they see me miserable about anything they ask if the baby is poorly. They do pick up on all these things and see things in a very black and white way.

Try not to worry too much about his reaction. Telling him was a major hurdle and at least now it is out of the way. Everyone has negative feelings towards the baby at various times during the pg. Even I find myself wondering if I've done the right thing by rocking the boat. But it will be worth it. Big Hugs

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bells2 · 15/04/2003 09:50

Oh Marina, poor you. I don't have any helpful advice I'm afraid. My DS (4 in July) is adamant that he doesn't want another baby and I'm sure that if given the option, he would send DD off into oblivion too. We have had a generally difficult time with his attitude to her since her arrival and I am assuming that he will also be less than enamoured by number 3. To be honest, I have found it tiresome rather than worrying as such and am assuming he will get over it.

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Bugsy · 15/04/2003 09:59

Marina, firstly congrats on your pregnancy - somehow managed to miss that one completely. However, I'm so sorry to hear that your little boy has been so traumatised by Tom's death and that you are finding this pregnancy so stressful.
My ds is a bit younger than yours (3.5) but I know that his emotions seem to come thick and fast and change quickly. It must be very difficult for you to know what to say, as unfortunately there are no guarantees. I really can't think of any wise words but just want you to know I'm thinking of you all.

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eemie · 15/04/2003 10:07

Marina, please try not to keep blaming yourself for everything. I think you were absolutely right to answer your son's question honestly. If you thought he had guessed, you are most probably right - they are sensitive enough at four to tiptoe round a frightening subject.

As several people have already said, it will be helpful to talk about the baby and allow him to express his feelings, which are bound to be mixed (they surely would be even if you hadn't all been through such a harrowing loss).

I think it's also worth talking to him in simple terms about your own mixed feelings and fears: yes, you and Daddy very much want another baby but it is a bit scary, because you can't help feeling frightened that the baby might die like Tom did, but you hope not and it's all going well and when the baby comes you'll all be glad...etc. It might help him to realise that he's not alone, that you share his fears but that, as he can see, you can cope with them and still want another baby.

As Jobey said, he may be harbouring a fear that it's his fault, perhaps he's a bad boy for wanting a brother/sister? Or that he's a bad boy because he's unhappy about it?

I think I can understand some of your ambivalence about this pregnancy - anyone would be terrified. It's taken six months and some pretty concrete reassurance for you to start feeling more positive...he will need time too. And if all goes well, which looks likely, it will be the best thing you ever do for him.

All the best

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CAM · 15/04/2003 10:33

Dear Marina, first I am sending you much love and many hugs. Second, everything you have said here sounds like completely normal reactions in the circumstances. Your little ds is wondering how having a brother or sister is going to affect his life, it is the fear of the unknown. You have been feeling so worried during this pregnancy because of its associations. This is more than understandable, it is usual when you have suffered a previous loss. The whole emotional experience is bound to be bittersweet this time around but it will be worth it. Please don't think that you have done anything "wrong" because you absolutely haven't.

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bayleaf · 15/04/2003 18:49

Hi Marina - I've no useful advice either I'm afraid - I just feel so sad that you have something else to worry about when you have been through so much more than your fair share.
I must say though that it seems pretty 'normal' to me that ds might feel negative about you being pregnant given that he is obviously going to have all sorts of negative associations after all the pain your pregnancy with Tom caused - and that is his only experience of 'mummy beig pregnant'. He is a sensitive little boy from everything you've said and I suspect you may need to do quite a lot of 'acting' and reassuring him that you are not worried and that being pregnant is a 'happy time'.
Not sure how you go about that tho - really feel for you...

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Marina · 15/04/2003 19:38

Thank you all for such kind and useful advice. You were all right to point out what little weathervanes three year olds can be because today my tum has been showered with kisses and "songs" with requests to know if the baby liked them.
Mindful of your thoughts on keeping as positive and open round ds as possible on the subject of the pregnancy, he and I talked a bit about the baby today. We looked at pictures of ds as a baby and he said he wanted to help with changing nappies (I will hold him to that). I will definitely be on the lookout for any hints that he is scared of what will happen to this baby or in any way blames himself for what happened last time.
I think anger with myself for blurting it out last night when we were all tired and all getting over a monster cold was partly why I was so down when I posted. After all, I did do what dh and I had agreed - tell ds the truth as soon as he asked a direct question!
But your replies and ds' sunnier outlook today have made me realise that his views on the matter are bound to be variable from hour to hour and range from enthusiastic to furious. It was just bad luck for my peace of mind he kicked off with furious...
What has been nice is that now he knows I do feel under the nicest sort of obligation to be positive about what the future holds for us. No whinging and wringing my hands to ds about the baby not having moved for a whole hour and half
I'm lucky in that the local SANDS branch, which is very active, has a Pregnancy after Loss support network. It is a strange but inspiring experience to be rung up by a complete stranger and given such reassurance down the phone! However, the two contacts I've made this way unfortunately lost their first babies, so although they have had loads of brilliant advice, the one area they can't help with is on anxious toddlers. I do wonder where he gets it from!
Many thanks all

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SoupDragon · 15/04/2003 20:18

I'm so glad your DS is happier today.

It may be that he was a little scared to get excited about this baby after losing Tom, hence the initial reaction.

Hugs,

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jobey · 15/04/2003 21:35

Been thinking about you today'I'm glad It's all more positive today.

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Batters · 16/04/2003 09:08

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WideWebWitch · 16/04/2003 09:15

Good news Marina. My ds has also said he'll help with nappies 'but not poo ones, just wee ones'. He's not stupid that boy!

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winnie1 · 16/04/2003 10:22

Marina, glad ds is more positive today. Just wanted to say blurting out big news is not the end of the world. I was so wound up about not telling my 10 year old that I was pregnant (until we felt it was past a certain point in the pregnancy following my own past experience) that I collected her from after school club walked out of the door into the street and blurted it out! She burst into tears, virtually told me she hated me and we stood on the street corner whilst I administered rescue remedy both of us crying uncontrollably. I thought she'd never speak to me again and that I'd ruined her life. She diddn't speak to me until she'd phoned my Mother an dannounced "Nanny, I am shocked, Mummy is pregnant!" And although it took her a while to get used to as the birth got nearer she got more and more interested and then excited and almost 3 yrs on she is the most wonderful big sister. Reading her recent homework assignment about the best thing that has happened in her life and her writing the birth of her baby brother really brought a tear to my eye. You are human Marina, don't beat yourself up about it, you really have enough to cope with, good luck, thinking of you x

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bundle · 16/04/2003 13:25

Marina, sorry to hear that things have been tough, I've only just come across your posting after coming back from an ante natal checkup & I've not had time to look through the whole thread but it sounds like ds is trying to protect you from the sorrow Tom's death caused and he's just being a lovely little son. my dd has no experience of that, but I too wish I'd told her about my pregnancy later because I think she's become a bit bored/frustrated with it..
I'm sure you've had brilliant advice on here & I know you've had lots of support from SANDS - but we're always here! too

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Rosy · 16/04/2003 16:25

Glad your ds is being a bit more positive today Marina. Only wise thing I had to add was something I heard on a Radio 4 prog recently which talked to people whose siblings had died. One woman said that when her sister had died in an accident, she asked her dad why her mum was crying, and he said "She'll be all right". Even though she was only about 6 at the time, she realised that that didn't answer her question, and was confused as a result. So I think you're right to share your feelings about Tom with your ds even if they're sad or slightly scared ones. As always, best wishes (and good luck with those nappies!)

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ScummyMummy · 17/04/2003 07:46

Just caught up with this, Marina. Sorry to hear that your son was upset and not surprised that you were distressed too. I think there's some really excellent advice here. I agree with everyone who's stressed that your little boy will probably feel all the usual whirligig emotions of learning that a new sibling is on the way and then some more because of all his feelings about Tom, some of which might be really confusing and difficult for him to understand at 3- since they're pretty much confusing and difficult at any age. Also I guess that you're in a similar position- you're having to make all the usual adjustments to preparing for this baby, with all the wonderful and scary questions and emotions that any pregnancy brings, at a time when you are also grieving for Tom and trying to come to terms with what happened in his pregnancy.
I must admit that I smiled through sadness when I read that your boy had said that he "wanted to be lonely, after all". He sounds so sweet and serious and intelligent and sensitive yet in his own beautifully quirky way he still has the completely dramatic, parent-devastating three/four/thirteen/thirty year old knack of communicating that everything is his parents' fault and that they've ruined his life FOREVER. I'm absolutely NOT belittling his feelings or saying that in the heat and stress of the moment he didn't feel that but I so so so agree with Winnie and others that you mustn't blame yourself for entirely understandably wanting and conceiving another baby and that you categorically have NOT ruined his life.
Arrgh my horrible son will NOT leave me alone to write this and I'd better sign off or will indulge in my secret wish to swat him upside the head every time he interrupts. Take care, M, and fwiw from someone who hasn't been through this and is bowled over by your coping abilities, I really think that this sounds like a very normal reaction from your son and I'm sure you and your dh will handle him as sensitively and intelligently as ever.

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jodee · 17/04/2003 10:14

Marina, so glad your little man is feeling happier now about the new baby; you have got through the past year fantastically and whatever the 'weather', your son knows that he is deeply loved by two wonderful parents. Take care. xx

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