Just need to share thoughts on fathers death - very low

[Dixie]

Hi all, its been over a year since i tapped away on here at mumsnet. I feel terrible that it's when at my lowest ebb I find the time to make contact but I feel so low & you virtual friends are all I have.

I am a single parent to two lovely young boys who are extremely hard work (aren't they all) I've had a rough two years already & was doing ok...still not 100% but coping with the children & my failed marriage & all that a single mother entales.

Last month was my eldest son's 5th Birthday, I arranged a party at one of those soft play/climbing type centres & it was all going ok. My ex & I were civil, everyone was having a good time, both sets of grandparents attended etc. The party ended & me & my parents were the last to leave, collecting the many presents & cards up....as we left the building my father collasped & had a heart attack...it was very traumatic for me but I carried out resussatation on my dad until the ambulance arrived. However he later died in hospital from heart failure.

My mind is full of turmoil, I've got through the intial shock & despair & helped mum deal with the funeral (or should I say solely arranged). I've put my sad moments to one side when in front of my dear boys who doted on their grandad (they're major male figure in their lives since their dad left us. I've heart-breakingly explained to them that Grandad has gone & they won't be able to see him as he's gone to live in clouds with the angels.

I'm doing ok generally but this last week has been very hard...it's been a build up of dealing with my mum, I know her pain is greater, she had a more personal relationship & her grieveing will come out in many ways but I can't take the anger she is projecting at me anymore & find myself distancing myself from her....this is so hard to exlain......I go round when ever i can (& times that I really can't with children in tow) & she is ALWAYS hurtful, down right rude & sometimes violent to me. The other week I went to help her write thank yous to people & she threw plates at me, kicked a kitchen stool at me...I know it's her grief coming out & I grabbed hold of her & cuddled her asking her to stop taking it out on me we need to be united on this...but she just punched me & told me to go away & not to be in her house. I went outside & sat in my car for a while then returned into house. we calmly sorted out somemore paperwork & I tried to raise the subject with her. She is making such a hard time for both of us so much harder....It's a constant battle & I can't take it anymore.

I'm desperately trying to help sort out her finances as she is in a bad way....turns out they didn't have life cover on half of their mortage & also 2 loans they'd taken out just prior to dads death. I can't see what she's going to do or how i could even help. The anger & vilonce on her part is not all down to the grief, I suffered many childhood years of this behaviour which I thought was way way behind us now....I now realise this was just because I don't live with her & am in my own life & house & family....but due to the constant company I having to give to her it is all starting to surface again.

My dad was always the mediator...the peace keeper...he's gone & I miss him so very much, I thought me & mum would become united in our grief but she's tearing me apart emotionally & physically. I suggested she has some councelling & she has made enquries but is on a waiting list????

I'm desperately supporting her all ways that I can...but feel that no-one is supporting me.....

I'm so sorry to burden you all with such a low, depressing thread but I feel so very alone.

[Bearess]

Oh Dixie, you poor poor thing. You are being so incredibly brave. I absolutely HAVE to go out as I am late for an appoitment but two things spring to mind - which you've probably already considered - the Citizens Advice Bureau to help your mum sort out the debt problems and Cruse, who I believe deal with bereavement counselling -for you and your mum. Words are very inadequate but I am so very sorry, thinking of you.

[sweetmonkey]

dont know what to say but im sending lots of hugs to you. someone on here is bound to be able to give you the help and advice you deserve.take care

[dinosaur]

Hi Dixie

I don't know if you will remember me - we met at a mumsnet Christmas party the year before last.

I am so very sorry to hear of your father's death and about how difficult your mother is being. Are there any other family members who could help you shoulder the burden - siblings, aunts, cousins?

[chipmonkey]

Dixie, you poor thing! you're not able to deal with your own grief, you're having to cope with your Mum! Are you an only child?

[catgirl]

Am so sorry about the loss of your father. You don't mention any brothers or sisters - of yourself or your mum or dad? Anyone else, close like that, who could help? Especially in pushing her to get councelling (debt and grief). Also, would you benefit from councelling? Sorry it's not much, but I am sure others will be able to offer words of wisdom.

By the way, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of looking after everyone elses well-being, but could you try and make sure you have some time for yourself.

[lisalisa]

Message withdrawn

[Keane]

Dixie, what an awful thing to happen to you i am so sorry about your dad

I think even witnessing what happened is alot in itself, without your Mother being so difficult. Can you not distance yourself a bit from her? I know it will be hard, but you have yourself and your own two children to think about. Maybe just ring and dont go round? I know this sounds harsh but I think you are going to have ALOT of issues to deal with yourself without taking on your mums abuse.

[Lonelymum]

No advice to give but many sympathies to send to you. What a sad story you have told. I was with my parents yesterday and was only then thinking how I dread being without my father. Has your relationship with your mother always been strained or is this only the grief she is suffering expressing itself? It sounds as though she could do with some couselling herself, or a friendly ear to listen to her (perhaps you are too close if you know what I mean). Has she a special friend she could unburden herself onto? It seems hard to take it out on you when you have your own grieving to do.

[anorak]

Hello Dixie, perhaps you'll remember me. I used to be called Janstar and I sat next to you at that dinner dinosaur refers to. I have often wondered how you are and am so sorry to hear what a rough time you are having.

I agree that your mum cannot use you as a punchbag. If you leave immediately every time she does something like this perhaps she will get the message. Just because she is grieving does not give her the right to treat others like that, I wouldn't and I'm sure you wouldn't so don't accept it. Vote with your feet. It won't stop you going back the next day and leaving again if she starts up again. She must realise you too are grieving and this additional stress must be heartbreaking for you.

At least she understands that she needs counselling. I hope it helps her. And as someone else said, counselling for you might be helpful too. Losing a parent is very traumatic, it changes your whole life and takes a long time to recover from.

I hope you will continue to use mumsnet, I have missed you and would like to chat with you again. It could provide the support you need so much at the moment. xxx

[dinosaur]

Hi dixie,

How are you doing today?

[Prufrock]

Dixie, I don't have any useful advice but wanted to back up anoraks excellent (as always) post.

The thing that struck me from your post was that your Dad died after a really happy day spent with you and his grandchildren - I hope remembering that will maybe bring some comfort to you and your Mum

[bubble99]

Oh Dixie. I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. As well as dealing with your own grief you're having to be the "Grown Up" for your mum as well. Do you have any brothers or sisters who could help at all? Your mum may well be on a waiting list for counselling. As strange as it seems, counselling often works better a few months after the event, when the grief is less "raw." I don't know what else to say except keep posting. I've been through a horrible time myself recently and everyone here has kept me going. As crap as eveything might feel right now, stay with us and we'll help you out.

Love Bubble XXXX

[Dixie]

Hi all, thank you so very much for all your replies.

.... I do have a younger brother but he is out in Australia. He did come over for 2 weeks for the funeral etc & we are very close. He is being as supportive as he possibly can be & he has been quite firm with mum at times & he has helped in many many ways.

Mum & I have had a few more 'episodes' & one came to very aburpt end of her shouting etc. I did not say anything back, I couldn't be bothered & knew it would be a waste of time anyhow. My eldest son was also present at this recent tirade of shouting so I calmly took my son & left the house & got him settled into car. I then texted my brother in Australia. He rang mum immediately & told her some home truths & was extremely firm. She calmed down & we went & had our appointment with the bank. Since that day I have had 1 more occassion to meet up with her.....she was fine...so hopefully...maybe...she has been bolted into realility by my brother.

I'm feeling quite low & keep having flash backs to the actual death & resussation....I think maybe this is something I will need counselling for & will seek. I keep thinking, did I do it right? Did I do all I could do? Then my 'sensible head takes over & I tell myself ...of course you did...he was still alive at the hospital....but some days it takes me longer to convince myself. I know this is silly to think about, but it just keeps popping into my head even though I know deep deep down its self explainortary.

I know it's still raw & recent, I miss Dad so very very much, but mostly I'm doing ok I get through most of each day ok, back to realility & normal routine. Even been back at work since march (which has helped to keep busy), then I feel guilty that I'm plodding through so well. However, at times I fill like an over stuffed pillow, being crammed with, stress, financial queries, emotional support etc & I fill like some of the stuffing is starting to spill out of the seams....but generally I'm doing ok & all your thoughts & comforting words have helped me through a hard couple of weeks.

thanks....hope you are ok with your own things too, not been up to reading through other threads....maybe on thursday....my day off?

bye for now Dixie xxx

[marthamoo]

Dixie, I missed your first post and have only just seen this. What a terrible, traumatic way to lose your father - you mustn't feel that you should have done more, a lot of people would have been too panicked to do anything - you did fantastically well.

I know you want to help your mother - and I hope you can find a way to do that - but ultimately you must look after yourself and your boys. I think you have way to much to deal with for one person - and you sound like you are coping admirably, but don't do it all at the expense of your own health and sanity. Take care and keep posting xx