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Bereavement

Harvey- how do you handle significant BAD anniversaries?

106 replies

Bobbins · 22/03/2003 11:19

My dds, Harvey died on the25th March last year. I'm not sure how I am coping with it. I'm not sure if I should take that day off work or not. It might transpire that I am alone that day if I don't go into work. A strange coincidence has occured. My prescription of Prozac runs out on Monday, the day before the anniversary. My six months is up.

Harvey is buried miles away, due to the lack of woodland burial sites in this country. I'm planning to go down there to his grave (and my mothers-they are buried next to eachother) on my birthday, the day before Harvey was buried.It's a difficult time and I'm not sure how to handle it. Is it just another day toget through, or should it be significant and marked in some way? How do other people deal with these days?

Myspacebarstill doesn'tworkproperly.GRRRR

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Ghosty · 22/03/2003 11:24

Oh Bobbins ... I don't know what advice to give you ... Harvey's story has touched all of us that read it and I know that all mumsnetters will be thinking of you now.
I have no personal experience of this kind but maybe you shouldn't let it pass as an ordinary day ... if you do then you might find it harder to cope with.
I am thinking of you and sending thousands of cyber hugs from NZ {{{{{{}}}}}}
Ghosty XXXXXXXXXXX

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Scatterbrain · 22/03/2003 11:25

Hi Bobbins, no answers really - just to say that I was thinking of you this morning knowing that the anniversary was looming - spend the day doing what you want to do - be kind to yourself.

Do you feel like being brave and carrying on as normal - or do you want to have a wallow with the photo album ? Do what your heart tells you - but don't be alone if you can help it ?

Mail me off-line if I can do anything to help !

Big Hugs
xxxxxxx

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snickers · 22/03/2003 11:41

Handle it one anniversary at a time... The first one is the worst. I can only imagine how dreadful and sad it must make you feel.

When I was 18 I concealed a pregnancy and gave birth in my bedroom (yes these things do happen in real life and I was a niave child). My little girl died at only 4 hours old. This was an extremely difficult time for me, and I didn't even understand and go through the rigmoroles and pleasures of motherhood. Perhaps this made it easier to deal with as time went on? Perhaps not (so much guilt, so many "what if" questions). I also didn't even benefit from the kindness of counselling or anti depressants... it was all somewhat swept under the carpet so "we could all move on" .

Personally I found and find now that visiting the grave is too much of an emotional upheaval to cope with but I set aside time every year to think about the little life that never was and consider that she would be coming up for fourteen this year. I don't think any of us are any different and we carry this burden with us regardless of whether our children were miscarried, or died young, or even old - there is no greater tradgedy than outliving your children. I will think of you on the 25th. At this time which is so soon after his death, let the day take you and the emotions come as necessary. Let them out and be not one jot embarrassed or "brave" about how you feel. Perhaps you will be fine, and in fact you will find that the feelings come strongest not at these key times, but at the most unlikely times.

As I am sobbing now I must post and get on with my day. Take care bobbins... xx

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Clarinet60 · 22/03/2003 12:09

Bobbins, I would not try to make the day normal (eg adam in cold feet) but would give it over to a celebration of Harvey's life. Perhaps if you write down some words to him? I don't know if you've read Between Two Eternities (people will be sick of me recommending this book) but it is very uplifting despite the subject.

Moved beyond words, snickers, hugs to you.

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Batters · 22/03/2003 12:26

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lucy123 · 22/03/2003 13:06

Like everyone else has said, these things are entirely personal. Personally I usually mark a sad anniversary just by setting aside a short time to sit and ponder (perhaps also writing down a few thoughts - I find this can really help, but then I was a failed poet as a teenager). I also make a conscious effort to think of the happy times rather than dwell on the loss itself. I don't tend to stop everything else on that day - but can perfectly understand why you would in this case.

Thinking of you anyway.

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snowbird · 22/03/2003 13:20

Bobbins, I'm sorry I haven't got any adivce to give you but I wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you & Harvey on Tuesday.
When I first found mumsnet, Harvey's story was one of the first things I read and I often think of you and your little boy as it touched me so deeply.
I can only echo Scatterbrains words, be kind to yourself.
Take care of yourself.

Snickers, big hugs to you too.

Love Snowbird xxxx

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Bobbins · 22/03/2003 13:39

Thanks guys, HEAPS

You know what, even writing his name and seeing his name written is somehow comforting, he is not forgotten.I had to go into Harvey's room this morning to get something that my ex wanted (Harvey's dad) and seeing his changing mat just overwhelmed me, I suppose I have been avoiding the room full of him and the loss of him. I really tryto remeber these things in a positive way, but itisVERY difficult.

I have had to arrange visiting days to Harvey's graveso that they don't clash with my ex. Yuk, we should have been going through all this together.Instead we are going through a complicated separation....the straw that broke the proverbial...hence the Prozac! New partner is trying his best to be supportive, but obviously he wasn't there.Harvey's dad hasfinished with the girl he went off with...what a surprise...NOT



BIG Hugs snickers. What a tough thing to go throughxxxxxThanks for your support and empathyxxxxx

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lucy123 · 22/03/2003 13:50

Bobbins - something that has just occurred to me -

As you say, it is a great comfort to know that someone you love will not be forgotten. If you have the energy, you could look into some sort of memorial project. This could be a charity (a lot of work - a friend's mother is doing this) or even just a website with information for other bereaved mothers, or about the particular strain of meningitis Harvey had. I would help with a website (for nothing, but it wouldn't be quick as I'm a bit busy at the mo, but it could be an ongoing thing). Maybe you've already thought of this - like I say, just a thought. If you'd like to discuss a website, my email is lucy at future-shock.net

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Bobbins · 22/03/2003 14:14

lucy123>very good point, and definitley something I have considered. Someof the NHS people that attended Harvey's inquest even suggested I look into becoming some kind of patients advocate.

My best friends partner is a website designer and in the aftermath of Harvey's death we did talk of getting a website together, we even have web space...empty at present but it is there and paid for www.harveybaring.co.uk.


It wasall too raw at the time, but I think it would be a positive move to get something together...probably with the main theme of pneumococcal meningitis, with linkage to meningitis research foundation...Spencer Dayman charity etc...It wouldn't have to bea charity in itself.

Unfortunately I'm really busy at presenttoo...but its something to keep in mind...for sure!

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ScummyMummy · 22/03/2003 14:48

I don't think anyone who's read your posts and other writing about Harvey will ever forget him, Bobbins, and by talking about him to us and all your other friends and family and letting us hear about him you've ensured that your baby is known and remembered by all sorts of people who might never have had that privilege. Not sure what to say about the anniversary except that I agree with everyone who's said that different people will feel differently and that nothing is the wrong thing to feel or the wrong way to grieve. Go with your feelings on the day, maybe? I'll be thinking of you and Harvey boy, anyway. xxxxxxxxxxxx

Snickers- thanks for posting about your baby.

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Bobbins · 22/03/2003 15:05

snickers darling...if you want to talk offline?

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GRMUM · 22/03/2003 15:28

Nothing really helpful to add I'm afraid.Different people feel differently about these things and I can't begin to imagine how it is for you. Harvey is known and loved here by so many people,his memory is so alive.

My father always visits my mums grave on the anniversary of her death.He told me this year that he does't know why he goes anymore(6 years on) because she is in his heart and he thinks of her daily.I have never gone back to her grave for that reason she is alive in my mind and I prefer to remember her as she was in life.

Much love to you GRMUM

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GRMUM · 22/03/2003 15:31

Snickers that must have been a very difficult experiance to get over.Hope that you have much love and support in your life now. Hugs GRMUM

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ks · 22/03/2003 16:45

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tigermoth · 22/03/2003 18:17

bobbons, I too will be thinking of you and Harvey on Tuesday. I can't add much to these words of wisdom.

When it was my mum's anniversary, (she died two days before her birthday) I needed some quiet moments to think of her and talk to her in my head. However, I also needed company too - the company of people who cared about me. I think it's good to make an arrangement to be with someone who loves you and understands the importance of the day for you. Then if you feel that you really need to be alone, you can tell them to go and they won't make a fuss. Unless your work colleagues are very understanding and you feel close to them, I think I'd choose to have the day off. Someone mentioned writing to Harvey, and that could be a lovely thing to do if you feel up to it. Just be kind to yourself, whatever happens.

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Chinchilla · 22/03/2003 18:21

Bobbins - thinking of you. I only have experience of losing my lovely Grandad, and a child is so much worse, so I don't have any advice. You must commemorate the day however you feel is best for you.

You know that we will all be here for you if you need to talk. Take care of yourself. xxx

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sobernow · 22/03/2003 18:28

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WideWebWitch · 22/03/2003 18:37

Bobbins, I don't think you can know how you'll feel until the day really. I found the run up almost as bad as the day itself - I was thinking 'this time last year xyz happened.' It sounds like you've got a lot of difficult things going on in the next couple of weeks so try to be nice to yourself. I suppose I wouldn't recommend trying to give up the Prozac right now for example, but it's up to you, of course.

On the first anniversary of my dad's death last year dp organised a treasure hunt for me and ds (he had to work that day and couldn't be with us during the day - it was a Saturday). Although I really didn't want to do it and resented him at the time for making me do something, actually it probably was better than sitting around crying and it did mean I was forced to think about something else. I did sit around crying too, when I got drunk that evening. I wouldn't recommend it though (getting drunk, sitting around and crying is fine!) since alcohol accentuates what you're feeling to start with and who wants to accentuate misery and grief?

Anyway, I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday too. Do whatever you want to at the time. As others have said, nothing is right or wrong. Whatever it takes to get you through it but remember, you will get through it and it will pass.

Snickers, I'm sorry for your loss too. That must have been very tough.

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Enid · 22/03/2003 18:49

lots of love and cyber hugs to you bobbins - i was also very touched by Harveys story.

Also to you snickers, what wonderful brave women you are x E

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Zoe · 22/03/2003 18:50

Can only add that I too will be thinking of you Bobbins.

snickers - you too

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AnnieMo · 22/03/2003 18:56

Bobbins - As everyone has already said be kind to yourself - especially on Tuesday. I find that the run up to an anniversary is worse than the day itself - I suppose it is the anticipation, and also the fact that like you our son was ill for days before and so there are so many awful memories attached to those days - whereas the days after his death was just a blur. We never plan anything for an anniversary - just set the day aside and do whatever feels right at the time - you really don't know how you are going to cope with it until it arrives. I have always taken the day off work as I know that I couldn't function anything like normally - but I know that I am different in that I have a dear dh and we can just spend the day together. We have done anything that feels right - such as going for a long walk, visiting a place that holds special memories, even going to the cinema one year! We also do things as a simple act of rememberance, such a lighting a candle, and visiting our ds's grave. As other people has said everyone is different and deals with things differently. All I can say to you is that things will get easier - somehow. I know that awful cliche - 'time is a great healer' is the last thing you probably want to hear but it is true - The stone in your heart will never go away but somehow it does soften so that although your child is never far away your loss becomes more manageable, less raw and painful. I'm sorry to waffle - once I start thinking the thoughts keep coming!
Hope this helps in some way - do what ever you need to do to get through Tuesday and cling to all the support you can.

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oxocube · 22/03/2003 19:06

Bobbins and Snickers, I want to post to show how moved I am and how much I feel for you both but I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your losses. Bobbins, I guess in your position, I would need time to be alone and just remember Harvey. I hope you find some peace on Tuesday. With much love to you and your son. xxx

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snickers · 22/03/2003 19:11

Thanks to all for your kind messages - never intended to "hijack" the thread - but seeing your posting bobbins, brought back feelings I have not made time for... well probably since I fell pregnant for DD...

Perhaps we could do well to talk bobbins - noone I have ever known has ever lost a baby and it's a unique experience and one which I hope noone I know (including all of us here on mumsnet) will ever experience. I am very lucky that I met DH very soon after the event and has always been a source of strength for me. I just hope you're not alone and you have friends, and family who will be there for you when you need them.

In the long run, I think losing a loved one brings a sort of strength into your life which in it's turn becomes a positive force and really it's the only way to deal with any tragedy that occurs. Otherwise what's the point?

Anyway - must go in as MIL over for dinner. yay.

I don't know how to swap email addresses on mumnsnet?

Love and thanks to all xxx

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bossykate · 22/03/2003 19:15

oh bobbins. gave ds lots of extra hugs today remembering you and harvey. the courage and fortitude you have shown so far will carry you through on tuesday how ever you decide to mark the day. best wishes.

snickers, what a terrible experience. you have given excellent advice - you have obviously had a heavy burden to bear. all the best to you.

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