My mum died suddenly

(196 Posts)
Ruthie71 Mon 13-Oct-08 14:00:00

I lost my mum recently. I wondered if there was anybody else going through something similar. It's been 8 weeks. I still can't believe she's gone and I miss her terribly.

HuwEdwards Mon 13-Oct-08 14:01:47

ahh Ruthie, I'm so sorry, it's utterly devastating when a parents dies. Go easy on yourself, at 8 weeks it's all still very raw.

cravingchocolate Mon 13-Oct-08 14:05:16

I am so sorry for your loss - nothing can prepare you for losing your mum. I lost mine suddenly 4 years ago and it still hurts, but it does get easier although I still have moments now when I can't quite believe she has gone.

Thinking of you and make sure that you give yourself the time that you need to grieve - 8 weeks is still very early days.

janestillhere Mon 13-Oct-08 14:08:36

You're not alone in this love.
I lost mum in April and I honestly can't believe it still.
I was awake early this morning and was going over her death in my mind. It's torturous.
Keep eating, get sleep etc. Love to you.

Ruthie71 Mon 13-Oct-08 14:50:47

Keeping busy helps.

feedmenow Tue 14-Oct-08 16:26:17

Ruthie, I haven't been through what you are going through, but read your post and was just wondering how you are feeling today?

MorticiaAnnSpookington Tue 14-Oct-08 16:27:48

sad for you Ruthie - we lost much loved FIL nearly 8 weeks ago too - so can understand a little...

rachels103 Fri 17-Oct-08 22:24:59

So sorry for your loss. My dad died suddenly in May and I still have to pinch myself sometimes to believe it.

However, it is getting easier, bit by bit. There will be many ups and downs over the next few months but it will become less raw.

Take care of yourself, talk about your mum lots and whatever you do, allow yourself time to is still very early days.

cutekids Fri 17-Oct-08 22:28:52

My Dad died in July of this year.
It wasn't sudden..but it was still a shock IYKWIM.Find it really strange.Just keep finding myself crying at the strangest of times.But,life has to go on.Just keep thinking to myself that i've (TOUCH WOOD)got x 3 healthy,happy kids and Dad would've done anything for them.I know this probably isn't much help but hope you know you're not alone in your

Hassled Fri 17-Oct-08 22:29:20

The mistake I made when I lost my parents was to think I would stop missing them eventually - the truth is that you never do stop missing them, but that dealing with the sense of missing them and the pain gets easier to deal with; it just becomes a part of who you are, and it doesn't stop you being happy. But at 8 weeks you're a long way from that stage, and you need to take it very slowly. Would bereavement counselling help?

Ruthie71 Mon 20-Oct-08 21:24:58

Thank you all for your lovely messages. It helps to know there are others in the same position (although I wouldn't wish this on anyone), going through similar emotions. I guess it hurts so much because we were so close. She was my best friend. I know she is with me but can't help wishing I could talk to her again. Anyone listened to Hurt by Christina Aguilera? Those words and the intensity of the song sum it all up for me.
I miss you mum x

ScummyMummy Mon 20-Oct-08 21:30:24

Ruthie, I am so sorry. Mums are irreplaceable. She must have been a lovely person.

Cornflakemum Mon 20-Oct-08 21:38:34

So sorry Ruthie.

I lost my Mum just over four years ago (it was 'expected' (breast cancer) so not a sudden shock) but it is so very very hard, even now.

Like you, I just kept going over in my mind the things I would have liked to have said to her, and in fact, although I'm not a particularly spiritual person I used to 'say' them to her anyway, and somehow it helped.

Make sure you collect together some happy memories of her. I still have a couple of pieces of Mum's jewellery, a scarf, some cards, recipes and lots of photos.
It makes me cry when I look at them sometimes, but it also helps me feel close to her too.

Look after yourself. x

MadameOvary Tue 21-Oct-08 11:10:45

Ruthie I am sorry for your loss. It has been 21 years since my Mum died (I was 17) and I feel the loss especially acutely now I have my DD. She was called Ruth smile

Ruthie71 Tue 21-Oct-08 21:50:21

Thank you all for your messages. My thoughts are with you all who have also loved and lost x

buzzzybee Wed 22-Oct-08 15:30:08

hugs i lost my mum 1 yr ago in nov. Sometimes i feel i'm going crazy i think so much and go over everything in my mind,especially at night. At the beginin i found a website called Gone to soon. it helped me so,so much. its a tribute site xx
You wont believe me but it does get easier with time. Be with ppl who u love x

sueresus Wed 29-Oct-08 11:26:04

Ruthie I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 4 months ago and I still think about her every day. I don't think I've allowed myself to grieve properly as I have 2 DD's 6 and 3 and I keep strong for them. I'm finding my relationship with my dad really difficult as we didn't really talk that much when my mum was there. he was always there in the background and would chip in every so often, but I feel that I don't know what to talk to him about. my advice to you is to take each day as it comes as you will have good days and you will have bad days. i hope you're feeling better after the vomiting

Bride1 Wed 29-Oct-08 11:33:19

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you.

Ruthie71 Sun 02-Nov-08 14:55:10

Sueresus - I know what you mean about the relationship with father since mum has gone. My step-dad was always in tow with my mum but the conversation was always with her. Now I don't really know what to say, but I do really feel for him being on his own. It's so difficult. And I, like you, am so busy working and looking after the kids. There's no 'me' time so work out how I am feeling about the whole situation and grieve properly!

I hope you are ok.

fin54 Sun 02-Nov-08 20:13:41

Ruthie I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 19 years ago and as said before you learn to accept that she is not there but there will be many many times in the future when you will think "if only my mum was here to see this or that" Like when my son ( her first Grand Child) did his passing out parade in the army, she would have been so proud of him, also when my own Grand Children were born, I work with the elderly and my mum would have been 80 this year and I spend my time looking at women her age now and thinking and wondering what she would have been like.
There has never been a day that I don't miss her but I have learned to think of her in many different way's not just sad ways but happy times as well.
I really hope you get through this but it does take time and 8 weeks is nothing, it took me a good few years to be able to speak about my mum without crying. Don’t be hard on yourself and cry when you want or need to.

brocks Thu 20-Nov-08 19:43:11

I lost my mum at the age of 30 she was 52.
This was a very big shock, i watched her in a coma for 1 month then she went no warning.
I thing about her every day even though its eight years on.
But i can talk about it now, thats taken me a long time.
I go to the grave yard and cry only there now.
one thing is it takes time, a long time.
Some one once said you can live with out a dad but a mum not.
I do miss her but i look now ahead and often look up and say what would u do mum.
RIP sandy.
Time is a healer.
something i put on my mums stone is, You held our hands for a while but our hearts for ever.
Love to you all it sucks and its heart pulling. but we still love them

brocks Thu 20-Nov-08 19:45:33

Sorry forgot to say this post was by a bloke simon thanks

Ruthie71 Tue 09-Dec-08 14:53:01

Thanks for your post Simon. My brother is Simon too! My mum was 62 - I lost her at 37. I know at that age I'm supposed to be an adult, but inside I still feel like a child and wish my mum was still here for a much needed hug.
Lovely words for your mum's stone by the way and so true.

mulranno Sat 13-Dec-08 18:56:01

I lost my wonderful 63yr/old Mum on Oct 11th. She suffered horrific ovarian cancer, it was 2 months from diagnosis to death, She never got out of hospital. We are on week 9 today. It hurts, hurts, hurts -- but not all day and all night. I just keep trying to say to myself that I was blessed to have had this fantastic beautiful person in my life. Many of my friends never had and will never have what I had. When I feel really low I try to be grateful for this and aware that I have had double the time with my mum that my 19 year old brother will never have.

petalpower Sat 13-Dec-08 19:55:17

I lost my Mum last year also at the age of 63 from a heart condition. 18 months on things are easier but unexpectedly I get bad days. She was a lovely Grandma and my children miss her terribly. As you say mulranno I feel blessed too for having had such a close relationship with my Mum. Counselling through CRUSE really helped me for the first year. My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered this terrible loss.

dizzyjingles Tue 16-Dec-08 00:55:32

ruthie am so sorry for your loss sad I too lost my mum 21wks ago and its still all to raw to begin to comprehend. I am only 32, I was 40wks pregnant and she was only 68 - its just not right, I thought I'd have my mum forever and my kids would have a Granny angry

please be kind to yourself and remember there are no rules or time limits for feeling better

we put 'always on our mind forever in our hearts' on her stone so people would know that she may be gone but she's very definately not forgotten smile

JacksFirstChristmasMama Tue 16-Dec-08 01:06:28

I am so sorry for you for losing your mum. I would be devastated without mine and cherish every day I have with her. I don't know what else to say except to send you ((((((((*BIG WARM HUGS*)))))))) from Canada.

oliviasmama Tue 16-Dec-08 01:31:27

I lost my Mum 6 and a half years ago and I miss her desperately, I just can't begin to explain how much. I think about her virtually all the time and still cry for her ever such a lot. She too was my best friend.

It does get easier though and as people say "time is a great healer", perhaps I still need more time, somehow I don't think so, I think this feeling will never leave me, I feel a different person now she's not here and I find myself trying to recreate the way in which she did things as she was such a lovely Mum.

It's dreadful and I really cannot begin to tell you how to deal with it, but you do deal with it and you will.

The only advice I can give you and it depends on whether you're a "talker" or not but I talk about my Mum all the time because that's the way I find that I feel she is still around and part of everyones everyday life. My way, not necessarly everyones though. You'll find your way.

Keep going darling. smile

ritaann Thu 15-Jan-09 20:12:05

Hi there. I lost my mum on 14 November 2008 - 9 weeks ago - she was 66 years old. Totally unexpected and I am completely devastated. We were so very close I saw her at least 4 times a week. I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old and I feel so lost without her. If it wasnt for the children I dont know what I would do. I feel there is no end to this terrible feeling of loss. I feel so fearful now of losing my dad and worry about him so much every day as well as dealing with the grief I feel over my mum. Can anyone help me with this terrible feeling?
Michelle x

cathcat Thu 15-Jan-09 21:05:24

Hi ritaann, so sorry for your loss. I am a few weeks further down the line than you ~ my dad died 16 weeks ago. I'm so sorry things are hard for you just now. I don't know what to say to help you, but one thing I felt is that I knew my dad would want me to carry on and do the best I could.
How is your dad coping? I know you can't help worrying about him but look after yourself too.
Hope someone else comes along with better advice.

Deemented Thu 15-Jan-09 21:19:51

My mum died on October 29th last year. It was a terrible shock. I'd been with her at 8pm that night - she was in hospital, but her death turned out to be unrelated to what she was in for - and the hospital rang just after midnight to tell us that she'd died. Such a huge shock and her death has left a massive void. I miss her more then i thought i could.

revjustaboutlikesvests Thu 15-Jan-09 21:27:06

Hi, just wanted to say sorry for your losses. It is a really good idea to have a thread like this, it is the online equivalent of a bereavement support group. I think people often underestimate how dreadful grief can be.

Ritann/Michelle - I am not a psychologist, but I would say from the little I have read that the worry about your dad is part of the overall grief reaction: it is not irrational at all, and very common in fact. Part of your system wanting to protect itself from future shocks. Grief can feel a lot like anxiety, it is a very stressful as well as a very sad place to be, and that worry can surface in all sorts of unexpected ways. So whilst I don't have any advice to you as to how to get rid of the feelings, I can reassure you that they are normal ones, and that they, like the grief itself, will get easier with time. HTH.

FWIW, I am always happy to chat via email if anyone going through bereavement wants to offload, it doesn't have to be a religious topic although as my username suggests I am a Christian minister.

ritaann Thu 15-Jan-09 21:55:20

Thank you for your supportive comments I just am so devasted at the moment it just doesn't seem real. Its so unfair that she will not see her grandchildren grow up and it makes me so angry and sad at the same time that I dont have my mum to talk to and be there for me like she was everyday before she died. Shw was always there - at the end of the phone - or just down the road if I needed her and now its gone"" the lady that I adored and gave birth to me is gone and i dont know quite what to do without her. Sorry getting a bit too upset now!

revjustaboutlikesvests Fri 16-Jan-09 09:11:08

Sounds like she was a really special lady, ritaan. I'm not sure there is such a thing as getting too upset. In a way it is much better to acknowledge how rough you are feeling now, than to block it out and have it all surface much later. Devastation, disorientation, worry about other famiy members, disbelief at what has happened, extreme tiredness - these are all very common reactions in the early days. Just hang on in there, and remember it IS early days, this process will take a while but it DOES get easier, you will not feel this way for the rest of your life.

mulranno Fri 23-Jan-09 18:16:45

I started counselling with CRUSE today. they come to your home at any time. It was good to try to understand if I am "coping"...the answer is yes I am ....but it is tough... so "coping" is getting through each day even if you feel bad, sad and in pain. I am pleased that things are not so bad because when we were told that her cancer was terminal I just couldnt see how I would be able to even stand up and breath after her death. But here we are, back at work, ticking along with my 4 kids but deflated and flat (on a good day)...seem to switch between finding it all unbelievable or unbearable. I just want to tick over for the next year...I have no plans, ambition, dircetion, aspiration ..I have no interest in anything and cant really imagine feeling joy again

gaynor401 Tue 03-Feb-09 10:37:11

I just lost my mum last week 24th january 2009 to an abdominal aortic anyeursm. It was such a shock. She was 76 and i loved her with all my heart and soul. she was such a special lady and i am so lucky to have had her for a mum. she was so amazingly selfless and totally dedicated her life to me and my four sisters (five girls)whom she adored and us likewise. we also lost our dad five years ago to gall bladder cancer which was diagnosed and he was gone in two weeks but this was far more shocking as it was very sudden. I feel a mixture of emotions every day. One minute i feel okay, the next i can burst into tears for no reason. I have also been very traumatised and had to pull myself together as i had chest pains and couldnt breathe. ive still got chest pains and back pains and i think these are from anxiety and still some breathlessness too. My mums funeral is on thursday this week and i dont know if i will be able to cope but i just have to keep myself calm or i will be very ill i know that. i cannot comprehend a life without my lovely mum and i know that from now on my life will be different but mum i want you to know that there will never be another person like you on this earth, you were so loving and caring i just hope you are with my dad and our billy (my brother) because you deserve to be an angel mum cos u were one on earth. love u for all eternity . your daughter Gaynor xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

georgiemum Tue 03-Feb-09 10:50:31

I am really sorry for you. My mum died unexpectedly in 2006 - it was such a shock, even though she was in hospital (to have her medication checked). I spoke to the matron and she said that the staff were all really suprosed too and even mums doctor rang the hospital to double check. I had spoken to her a couple of days before (we live quite far away) and she was in fine spirits, talking about coming to vists and joking with the 'nice young doctors'. My sister even spoke to the ward sister the day before and asked if she ought to fly up to see her and was told that it wasn't necessary. It was that unexpected. My brother was with her and aparently she said 'that's enough' before she went. She was in a lot of physical pain and never really got over my dad's death in 2001.

It is crap. There will be days when you will pick up the phone to call her, when you want to sit down in the supermarket and yell 'I want my mum!' or 'it's not fair - I can't be an orphan in my 30s' (that was me). But don't let yourself get angry. I did go through a phase of 'why is he/she alive and my mum isn't' when I'd see someone on the news like baby Ps killers. It doesn't help a bit.

I do believe that a little bit of you goes when you lose a loved one (I don't have much left) but the space is filled with your own children and memeories. Yes time does heal but there will still be days, years later, when you find something in a drawer that will make you laugh and cry at the same time. Opening drawers or even books will give off the smell of perfume that will trigger memories and your little ones will see a lady in the street and yell 'grandma!'.

You will get stronger each day and there will be days when you do feel down. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better - your mum would probably tell you off for being so sad (mine would probably give me a whack on the back of the head, call me something charming then go off on a story about one of her mad relatives).

mulranno Thu 12-Feb-09 16:31:13

it just occurred to me the other day that I can keep on loving her, adoring her...and I am trying to divert the pain by telling myself that I can still keep loving her. I also remember that I have had double the time with my mum than my little 19 year old brother. He is lost, we have just finished packing up his home and he has moved in with another sister..he wears her wedding ring and rosary beads...I think that I am trying to reclassify my grief as love...and if it hurts its deep love...also my purpose now is to look after my younger brother. thats all I can do for my lovely mum now.

lindseylou Mon 02-Mar-09 00:57:02

My mum died when i was 13, which is 4 years ago now. I find that as time goes on it gets harder as i begin to miss my mum more and want her here, now i am approaching 18, i want her here to give me advice on men and girly stuff. My dad was never a big part of my life and wasnt very good to my mum, so part of me resents him for that but i know hes the only person i really have left. My mum died from a brain haemorage so was very sudden, i came home from school one afternoon and found her in her bed, so i tried to resuscitate her and rang an ambulance. I lie in bed almost every night asking myself if there was something more i could of done. The docs reassured me there wasnt but it doesnt change the fact i still think it. I have just broken up with my boyfriend and am feeling really insecure, all i want is my mum here to give me a big hug. The thing that hurts the most is knowing she will never see her grandchildren grow up or see me getting married and growing in life. I am filled with so much anger now and find myself pushing away the people who i love and care for the most because im scared they will just leave me in some way. I feel so messed up. I just want my old life back. I want my mum, my best friend back.

Love to all of you who have lost there mum or dad. lindsey x

porcupine11 Mon 02-Mar-09 14:06:19

I was glad to find this thread as it's hard to talk about my mum, even though it's almost two years since she died. i like to talk about her, but most people go quiet when i say she's died, and it's still early days to talk to my sisters about her, as we end up upsetting each other too much.

mum was my best friend too, so much so that we went travelling around the world together for half a year when i was 53 and i was 24. She was only 56 when she died, and shockingly it was just 13 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. The following year I had my ds who is now 5 months. I thought that having a baby would help by giving me something to focus on, but it was like I started the grieving 'process' all over again from the day he was born. It's so bitterly, bitterly unfair that she can't ever meet him - I look at him and think you're the most amazing thing that's happened to me and mum can't even see you. he has her eyes exactly, sometimes it takes my breath away when I look at them, it's like looking into mum's eyes again. i still love her so much and i'm so pleased when i find myself instinctively doing things with my baby that she did with my sisters and me. i also never fully appreciated until now what a huge and impossible job it must have been bringing three daughters up on her own - when my father left mum on her own, we were aged 3, 1, and 6 months old. it makes me feel guilty every time i'm stressed looking after one baby with my husband to support me.

i'm very angry at the moment, and i think i take it out on my parents-in-law. it's not fair of me but i keep thinking it's unfair they should spend time with MY baby when my own mum can't. i want to work out how i can make mum a part of my baby's life in some way in the future, so he thinks of her as a grandparent too.

Clarabelle76 Tue 03-Mar-09 06:29:21

I too am glad I've found this thread. I lost my mum suddenly on the 30th January this year. My husband and I had just got married six days before. She was only 62 and we still don't know what happened. Mum had been with us here in Perth and had flown back to Adelaide on the Monday after the wedding (four days before she died). It is believed that she passed away on the Friday 3oth but her body wasn't found until the Monday after. She had her dog with her and the neighbours had been knocking on her door all weekend but as the dog didn't bark they thought she was still away. They eventually got in to the house on the Monday and found her. She was in bed and apparently it looked like she had gone to sleep and just not woken up. The dog had been 'looking after' her all that time and knew her job was done when the neighbours arrived. I just feel so numb. I spent the first 3 weeks crying solidly but now I'm just numb. It just doesn't feel real.

I also feel so guilty as I should have 'known' something was up as she didn't make contact that weekend. I wish she had stayed with us in Perth after the wedding so we could have helped had she become ill suddenly. The PM hasn't identified a reason as yet however a number of people suspect a blood clot. I just feel so ripped off (for her and for me). My mum was so lovely and although we'd not lived near one another for 10 years or so we were so very close.

I have the wonderful memories of her being at our wedding as well as my brother being there too (he lives in England where we grew up). Mum, my brother and I hadn't shared the same space for nearly 11 years so we had some very special times just before she passed away.

We brought her beloved dog Shelli back to Perth with us and she's doing good. She's a real comfort as was my mum's companion for the past 13 years.

It really makes you 'grow up' as well losing a parent. I'm not close to my dad so me is pretty much it. It makes me want to have a baby even more now.

I wish you all best wishes, strength and love as it is so difficult when a parent passes on.

softcop Tue 03-Mar-09 22:15:28

My mum died this morning suddenly, I got a phone call at 06.55 form my brother just as I was off to work. I dont know what I will do, I loved her but never told her enough

Clarabelle76 Wed 04-Mar-09 00:11:14

Hi Softcop

I'm so sorry about your mum. I think I know how you are feeling as the shock is just so overwhelming. Have you got someone with you to support you?

I feel the same. I loved my mum but don't think I said it enough. She was the one always ringing me and wanting a 'chat'. How I long for one of those phone calls now so I can tell her exactly how much I love her.

I've been writing a journal and writing letters to my mum to tell her how I feel. Sometimes it's good to get it written down.

My thoughts are with you, Clarabelle

FionaHen Sat 07-Mar-09 10:35:02

My Mum (Age 70 years old),sadly passed away on new years day 2009. She had been battling cancer for 30 years, breast cancer, lung cancer and cancer of the spine, she didn't let it get her down, she was an inspiration to me and others. The cancer was under control with all the medication she took, then on monday 22nd december 09 she had a stroke, we all thought she would pull through but she didn't have enough fight in her,I stayed in the hospital with her as i knew she would be so scared, My dad & i where with her when she passed away. On the day of mums funeral i can't remember much everything was such a daze. I miss her so much, i just want my mum back.

tetshira Mon 09-Mar-09 23:54:32

My mum died at the end of Jan. She had cancer but was having chemo so we though she was doing ok. She went into hospital on Saturday and died the following Wednesday. I was at work and received a call from the hospital to come in. Like FionaHen I too just want my mum back. I look at people and think "Why are you alive you are much older than my mum."
I have always lived with my parents.

mulranno Tue 10-Mar-09 19:24:21

We lost our Mum sudennlyand traumatically to cancer in October. The whole mothers day bit is really hard. This will be my first one without her and although I saw her most days...I didnt see her last year on mothers day. I had anticipated that the day would be hard so I will go to ireland with my sisters to vivt her grave.

FionaHen Wed 11-Mar-09 14:07:09

Hi tetshira, I am so sorry to hear about your mum and I can honestly say I know what your going through. Life isn't fair thatz why you have to make the most of it, I'm guessing you are a lot younger than me. I'm 42 this year have a son Graham age 20 years & Jordan age 11, am also a Gran of a two, James age 2 & Chloe age 12 weeks. My Mum was such a devoted Gran & Great Gran. She would be so proud of me looking after my boys & grandchildren, just like your mum will be so proud of you. You sound if you are still in shock that your mum has gone, I am the exact same i can't believe i will never see her wee smile again, i can't bring myself to drive past her wee house that she used to stay in, but today was the first i visited mum's grave since her funeral which was 13th January. I have been avoiding going out just incase people asked me how i was, i'm bursting into tears at the least wee thing, I take it i'm going through the grief,I don't want to feel like this i know my wee mum wouldn't want me to be this way. Do you visit you mum's grave if you do talk to her, How is your dad keeping do you talk to him about your mum? U know where I am if you need to talk. Take Care tetshira.
FionaHen x

tetshira Wed 11-Mar-09 21:40:51

Dear FionaHen you are so right. I feel that I am in a nightmare and that Mum will walk in the door and all will be right. I have read about grief and know I will have ups and downs but it is so hard. We don't have a grave yet - it one of the many things we have to organise. Dad is absolutely heartbroken. They did everything together and had for nearly 50 years. He is 69 this year and suddenly there is a huge gap in his life. Everytime he has broken down I have tried to be there, to hold and confort him as much as I can. But I am now back at work and so worry about his days when he is alone. Mobiles are not an option as he hates them and won't learn how to use his.
Tonight he said he wants to go away at the weekend to visit a friend for sunday lunch then have a few days on his own. Should I be worried? my brother says no let him go but I don't know what to say. I don't want him to go as I know he has nowhere to stay but I also don't know if its good for him.
I am 38 but feel too young to understand my life - I just want to curl up and have it all go away.

FionaHen Thu 12-Mar-09 11:34:43

Dear tetshira, my heart goes out to you, your dad and your brother.Your mum & dad sounds that they where so devoted to one another (thats special 50 years amazing).
My dad is 75 this year, mum & dad where actually seperated for nearly 10 years but they still spoke to one another and visited each other often, my dad also is heartbroken, it was my dad who found mum on the day she had a stroke, he was on the phone to her and knew there was something wrong.
I'm thinking once you have grave/headstone organised then it may help & comfort your dad a wee bit more as he can visit your mum. My mums headstone isn't ready yet but i think once its up, it will be a lot reassuring for me. Your dad is so lucky to have you & your brother, you both are a wonderful memory of what your mum & dad had together. As far as your dad going away to friends for weekend, I would't worry, i also agree with you brother it maybe good for him,to get away as sometimes speaking to a friend or even a stranger is a lot easier & will help as everytime he may speak about your mum to you he gets upset & the you get upset. It helps me by remembering all the happy memories of mum. Don't worry toooooo much & take care. you know where i am. Fiona Hen x

tetshira Thu 12-Mar-09 23:46:28

Thank you fiona Hen I do find it such a confort to talk to you and others on this site. I am ok at work as my collegues all look after me (even if I did make them all cry the other day). It is at night that I seem to fall apart. I am trying to concentrate on all the happy memories and work on what Mum would have said and wanted. I think you are right about the weekend but keep thinking of him sitting on his own in a hotel room. I know its only for 3 nights but I do worry. Its probably just me. Thanks again Tetshira x

FionaHen Fri 13-Mar-09 14:09:23

Thank you tetshira, its such a comfort speaking to you as well, this site just shows that your not alone. I have good days & bad ones too, today so far is good, i've got my grandchildren coming to stay tonight which helps me more than you can ever imagine. It's great you've got such caring workmates & its good to cry especially with them as You Hurt, They Hurt, You Cry, They Cry, Your Sad, Their Sad, You Laugh, They Laugh, You Smile They Smile. Your Dad maybe wants a wee bit of time own his own, to switch off & have a wee bit of me time, so please don't worry he will be fine. Take it easy. Speak to you later FionaHen x

Libera945 Fri 13-Mar-09 23:15:24

My Mum died on the 28th February. She was 61. Every day she was in intensive care was a rollercoaster ride, but I never, ever, for one moment think she was going to die. It was a complete shock. I was there when she passed away, holding her hand. I can't believe she's gone. I feel as if I'm living in a parallel world, watching myself go through the daily motions. I haven't had a chance to sit and think and grieve, as I've been arranging to have her flown back to Italy and buried over there where she came from. Every day I've been dealing with paperwork, funeral directors in the uk and Italy, being strong for the family, for my Dad, my Sister, my husband, while looking after my 3yr old. I have no idea how I will cope in Italy. I want her back to say sorry for not doing more to keep her well. I want to say so many things to her, spend more time to talk to her. Listen to her old stories. I miss her.

FionaHen Sat 14-Mar-09 19:43:34

Dear Libera945,
I am so sorry to hear about your mum, as like yourself i was with my mum when she passed away, don't tear yourself up about feeling you hadn't done enough to keep her well, i thought that too, things happen for a reason, I know from my experience i am so glad i was with my mum when she passed away that meant more to me than anything telling her not to be scared,also i had a cord at mum's funeral having that last contact with my caring loving mum helped me a lot she was my rock. Your mum, like my mum in there own special way know that we loved them, still speak to your mum as if she was right by your side it helps me. Take Care & hope all goes well in Italy. Fiona Hen x

kittycaty Tue 14-Apr-09 21:48:30

My mum has passed a way 5 months ago and I do not know what to do. I want see her again, hear her voice and play with her hair. I want her back so much. She died suddenly and I cannot get into terms with it. Will I ever see her again?

bekisl8a Fri 17-Apr-09 10:07:46

i feel for you all, i really do, i lost my mum very suddenly in may last year she was 48, i still miss her now and i think i always will, a family friend sent us a poem when mum died i read it now and it really helps, i thought id share it with you:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there: I do not sleep,
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain,
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birbs in circling flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night,
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.. xx

helsbels4 Fri 17-Apr-09 10:33:57

My dear mum died nearly four years ago and I still find it all so really, really hard.

I found out in July '04 that I was expecting my second child, mum was then diagnosed with cancer in the October, my dd was born March '05 and mum died nine weeks later in the May sad

My mum said all through my pregnancy that she was so sorry to put me through all the worry of her illness but that was typical of my mum - always thinking of others before herself!

I am so thankful that she at least saw my dd and I have photos and some video of them together but it is just so hard not having her around.

My mum was always such a large piece of my ds' life but she didn't even get to push my dd in her pram.

I have lots of photos of her all around my house and I "talk" to her all the time. Mostly I can smile but there are days (sometimes weeks) when I just cry and cry because it is so hard to come to terms with.

I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone to tell her a juicy bit of gossip or whatever!

My mum was my best friend and I miss her with all of my heart sad

katesgiggles Tue 21-Apr-09 02:06:54

My Mum died on 09/04/09. We buried her on Easter Sunday. She had a terribly sudden & painful horrific 2 week illness leading up to her death and we had a horrible rollercoaster ride in ICU Units of two hospitals watching her demise while she writhed in pain constantly, losing bit by bit of her life with each passing hour.

I haven't cried since 3 days before she died. I don't know if I'm numb or if I had accepted that she was going to die before she left us. (3 days before she died, I knew she was dying, whereas everyone else still had hope.....I let rip at one of the most negligant, obnoxious doctors 've ever met, who was "caring" for her, or should I say completely ignoring her, through her illness and I cried and cried for about 10 minutes afterwards and really got alot off my chest)

I'm a single mum and myself and my 5 year old daughter live in the "home" house with Mum & Dad. I was in the process of finalising details in relation to buying our very own home, with mortgage approval secured and deposit on house etc. I've struggled financially while working full-time for 5 years, saving every cent I could in order to afford our own house. It has been my dream and a hot topic of conversation with Mum for years now, we had the whole house (my new house) decorated in our minds and she had plans to "do" my new bak garden as a moving in gift. whole life changes. Not only have I lost my lovely Mum, but my daughter has lost the closest thing she had to a second parent, her loving Granny. Our every-day life had changed in so many ways (me & mum sat together chatting every evening, drinking tea and did the weekly shopping together every weekend, went on sun holidays together etc and she babysat for me whenever I wanted a weekend away or a night out. She was the first I phoned or emailed or talked to when I had decisions to make or gossip or worries) She was such a support to me over the last few years in every way, not least emotionally & financially also.

My father doesn't want me to move out now. He's so serious about it he's offered to sign the house over to me, which I don't want as I have siblings and I think it's unfair, he's just trying to make sure I don't go leaving him, taking his little granddaughter with him, leaving him alone....lonely!!! I can't go, I'd feel too guilty leaving him to fend for himself now. He was with my Mum for 40 years, since he was 14!! And already, I realise I'm expected to fill her shoes in the home. It's so much to take on whilst losing her, and losing the support I relied on so much, being a single mother, I haven't even had time yet to think about the fact that I'll never get to talk to my best friend again

So so sad, don't know what we'll do without her. She was so young and so full of life. Such a busy, happy, strong, powerful, beautiful woman! Love her so much x

FrancyMgo Tue 21-Apr-09 02:26:51

Kate I have nothing but respect and admiration for you in a truly difficult time, take some comfort in the knowledge that she was a wonderful human being, that she adored you and your family and you were lucky that she was (always will be) YOUR mum, it will get easier and she'll always be there x

kittycaty Sat 02-May-09 12:48:53

Bekisl8a Thank you for the poem. As I was reading it my tears just jumped out of my eyes. My mum died on the 27/12/08 and it was a sock. I spoke to her on the 25th and she was fine having Christmas dinner with my dad and watching Cinderella story on a television.
On the day of my mum’s funeral the snow started to fall down. It was so difficult for my dad as my parents had their wedding when the snow was falling down.
I live in a different continent and I did not have that many opportunities to celebrate Christmas times, birthdays or visit my parents for weekends. I feel very guilty for making a choice in my live to move away that far. My mum, dad and I were planning holidays this year to meet together so we could celebrate my sister’s and mine’s 30th birthday. I was planning my wedding and showing my mum where it was going to be and she was looking forward to it. Why did she have to go? Have I done something wrong? Was I selfish? I am still looking at my phone and expecting a text message from my mum.
My partner came to pick me up after a month and I had to drive myself out and that was very difficult. Leaving my dad behind by himself. I was crying the whole time while driving, but now I know why he did it. I did not wanted to go and my dad and my partner saw it in my eyes but I had to go. I am going back for a week this month with my sister and I do not know why but I still think that I am going to see my mum. I was at work and I was really looking forward to go home as I was going to call my mum but then I realised that she is not here. I cannot speak to her or hear her. My mum was a person who always gave to others and helped others. Never wanted anything even when we wanted her to have something she was always looking what she can do or give to the others then herself. My mum's words "something bad is for something good" I do not understand. I know that we have to go through these stages of our lives but a huge chunk of my heart has gone and it hurts so much. I do not have close friends that I could talk to about my mum because my mum was the closest friend. I have her photograph in our front room and every day I say to her “Good morning mummy and Good night mummy”. I am finding myself at a stage when I am talking to her but I cannot look at the photograph any more because I do not want to talk to a photograph.

I cannot describe this in words of how much this is tearing me inside and I do not know where my strength is or how to go on without her being here. I do not know if she was proud of her daughters (me and my sister) and my dad, what her last wishes were because it was so unexpected and we have never talked about this with our mum. I am OK when I am at work or just working and not thinking about what has happened. But when I am at home by myself it is just hitting me and I am crying and crying and crying. Being lost. I know that my mum would want me to be strong and cope and go on and be there for my dad and my sister and that is what I am doing being there for them. I talk to my partner about my mum and even that he has known her only for seven years my mum has made him to feel about her like he would not never think that he would feel about but just his own mum.

I do apologise for any misspelling, I have tears in my eyes. I miss her and love her so much. I just hope that she is happy and is not in pain and does not cry of what has happened because it was a shock to her as well.

mulranno Tue 05-May-09 10:56:50

HI ladies I lost my mum recently and traumatically. It was not fair, she was in extreme pain and far too young. I still love her dearly and always will. I try to remember that I was lucky to have had this great person in my life...I cry loads, I feel like I am walking thru treacle....I look at this as the worst time of my shocks me sometimes that I can still breathe and walk and talk. Our world is different now, changed forever.

But everyone will go through this. Everyone will loose their mother. I just happened to us all now.

DrNortherner Sun 10-May-09 10:29:34

My Dad died 3 weeks ago, I adored him. I thought I was coping OK, but today, well, it al came out as a huge burst of anger directed at my poor dh......fortunatley he understands.

I feel exhasuted, achey, and have a cold coming on, plus tomorrow I have to start a new job. Plus, I feel sick everytime I think about my poor Mum all alone on a Sunday and I live 90 miles away although we did spend the day with her yesterday.

I feel that I am going through the motions. Will I ever feel like me again? If I smile or laugh, my grief is always there, just below the surface.

tiredtortoise Thu 28-May-09 19:30:50

Dear Kittykat

I understand how you feel.My mum died on the 13th Dec at 10.58pm form lung and brain cancer. She was only diagnosed 6 weeks earlier and when she went into hopsital she never came out. She was so brave and deserved so much better having had a hard life. I find myself looking at people and thinking why my mum why not you which i know is horrible. But I just want her back and I know it isn't possible It is over 5 months since she died and I find myself crying and crying and just feel like I cannot cope. Like you I throw myself into my work. I have a wonderful son 9 year old son who loves his nana dearly. When I cry he puts his arm around me and tells me not to because nana is with us she isn't really gone. I find myself sending her text messages just so I can talk to her. I am now waking up in the night thinking did i do the right thing telling her it was ok to go - she was just clinging on and I felt I had to say it was ok to go - I felt my uncle bob's presence a lot like he was waiting for her.

Does it get easier. Ian finding that now the numbness is starting to wear off it hurts so much nothing else in life is really worthwhile

DrNortherner Thu 28-May-09 19:32:29

I lost my dad 5 weeks ago. I feel so sad, words do not do it justice.

Sorry for your loss Ruthie, and everyone else who is greiving.

Many sympathies to those who have lost parents. I lost both mine (saw them almost daily and they were both young) about 4 years ago. I remember the underlying feeling of the whole world being wrong - as if skewed on its axis. That did stay for a long time. A few years on, I mostly look back with calm and happy memories.

Things that helped me were

talking endlessly to my sisters (often the same convos really)
crying whenever I needed to
Having some of their things about
Administering their estates (accpetance maybe?)

Total blow and you are not ever the same again, but I guess you accept and adapt.

sad for you all

tiredtortoise Thu 28-May-09 22:37:58

The thing I have got from this thread is the fact I am not alone in the way that I feel which has allowed me to look out of the window tonight and smile

thank you to everyone

tiredtortoise Thu 28-May-09 22:47:53


I went back to work 3 weeks ater my mum died and I didn't think I could do it but you will and you think if your dad when you think you cannot make it
Be strong
Thinking of you

jobbo Thu 22-Oct-09 22:43:43

i am so sorry to hear what happened to you. My mum much> has just died - last saturday and I feel so guilty for all thetimes I should have phoned / visited and was just too busy> I always knew i loved her but only realise now how much. Does this get any better?

jobbo Thu 22-Oct-09 22:46:29

hi ruthie 71 - I have just lost my mum on the 17th October - really suddenly and unexpetedly . I am totally devastated and dont know what to do - how are you doing?

Libera945 Mon 22-Feb-10 16:04:01

Dear All,
I really sympathise with you all.
It will be 1 year on the 28th Feb that my mum passed away. For the first 8 months my life was a blur of emotions and trying to stay in balance. I didn't know if I was coming or going.
I started grief counselling in June of last year, and it's been the only thing that's allowed me some sense of normality. Finally 2 months ago I started to feel "normal" again.
I still miss my mum every single day. Think about her when I'm driving or visiting my dad, or looking at old photos.
Grieving is painful there's no denying it. But I've finally come to believe that she's in a place of no pain. When I wrote back in March I was in a turmoil of emotions and I think I've come out of it.
I am thinking of you all.

Pikelit Mon 22-Feb-10 19:49:41

My mum died suddenly today at home in N.Ireland. She was 84 and had lived a long and fascinating life. If there is a "good" death then my mother had it. No illness, no pain and in the comfort of her own home.

PictureThis Mon 22-Feb-10 20:01:33

Pikelit, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's good that these thoughts can provide a source of comfort for you.

ChippingIn Wed 24-Feb-10 23:34:29

Pikelit - how lovely for your Mum to have had a long & fascinating life and not to have suffered will illness or pain before she died. I am, however, sorry for your loss as it's never easy is it, no matter how old they are or how good a life they had x

Pikelit Thu 25-Feb-10 14:15:39

Thanks for kind words. Because no, you'd still rather have the person, not the memories. Unfortunately, as the days have gone by, more and more information has come out - shockingly, the post-mortem revealed that she died of hypothermia and not, as we thought, of something heart or stroke related. She lived in a modern house with central heating in every room but like a lot of people her age, thought central heating was "unhealthy". I've been told that the temperatures were exceptionally low in NI last weekend yet my fiercely independent mother must have thought she'd be fine. Until it was too late.

ChippingIn Thu 25-Feb-10 20:58:14

Pikelet - I am really, really sorry to hear that. I wonder if we will be that stubborn about things when we get older that our kids will hmm at? I'm not sure there was any benefit in you having been told that though - it doesn't change anything and now you have something else to deal with.

Try to hang onto the fact that she did have a great life and her death was still very peaceful, without pain or illness x

Ness70 Mon 20-Sep-10 21:29:04

Hi all my mum died suddenly two weeks ago and I don't know what to do. Apart from the fact she was my best friend and supported me through everything, she also looked after my 21 month old while I worked. I feel sick, keep getting the shakes and don't feel I have the strength to cope with finding childcare or going to work. I have a wonderful partner but just feel so alone without my mum. Not sure how to cope.....

marymay Thu 23-Sep-10 19:29:53

Hi Ness70....Sending you a hug .My lovely mum also died suddenly 10 months ago .She went to bed and she didnt wake up.I miss her every day and often weep for all the missed times we could have had together.All i can say is allow yourself time to cry and be cross ,but also think of all the great things you did together and what wonderful things you brought to each others life.look after yourself and take any help you need from others xx

Ness70 Fri 24-Sep-10 23:02:06

Thank you Marymay
I am trying to accept it but can't believe she will never be here for me again. That probably sounds selfish. I miss her constantly because she knew everything about me and we chatted all the time. My dad and my brother are much more 'well this has happened so we need to accept and get on with it'. I know where they're coming from I just can't do it. I can't believe my little boy is going to grow up without her. Everytime I look at him I think of her and what his life should be like. She loved him so much and couldn't stop telling me how gorgeous he is and how much she loved him. Finding it tough but I guess that's what people go through. Just thought I had so much more time.... Sending you a big hug too for your loss. X

zen1980 Sat 25-Sep-10 22:46:08

I too lost my mum last week very suddenly and on our 4th wedding anniversary after she had been in hospital 2 weeks and they mis diagnosed her and didnt take her being ill seriously. We are still in shock and I still cant believe it. My DD is only 8 months and she doted on her and was sooo proud to be a mum and grandma. What has made this worse is that I also lost my gran the week before and when DD was born she spent 3 weeks in intensive care. At the moment i dont think i can stand anymore knocks and setbacks i dont know how to move forward, x

Ness70 Tue 28-Sep-10 00:15:04

Hi Zen1980
I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't think I can be of any help as I am feeling completely lost too so I know where you are. I'm sorry about your nan too. My nan died 11 years ago and I didn't cope with that very well but I had my mum to get me through it. I still don't really believe my mum has gone. I keep thinking she'll turn up. We had so many plans and things coming up. I guess I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago so it should get a little easier for you. You won't have any more setbacks; you've had enough. I hope things get better for you. X

sweethart Sun 31-Oct-10 03:13:11

I lost my mum 3 weeks ago,she had been sick for a while but died from something completly different to her illness.I live overseas so had spoken with my mum at the weekend and she had been tired but said she was ok.I called on the monday to find out something and found my dad crying on the phone they had rushed my mum to hospital not sure what had happened.She died on the thursday before I could get home.She was 55 years old.I miss her so much that I find it hard to get through the day sometimes.I have 2 kids that need me so know I have to move on but the child in me just wants my mum.I never got to say goodbye or tell her one last time that I loved her.Everyone keeps saying time will heal but not sure I will ever heal.Reading other messages makes me realise I am not alone.I miss my best friend my inspiration my strength.

sweethart Sun 31-Oct-10 03:16:38

I lost my mum 3 weeks ago,she had been sick for a while but died from something completly different to her illness.I live overseas so had spoken with my mum at the weekend and she had been tired but said she was ok.I called on the monday to find out something and found my dad crying on the phone they had rushed my mum to hospital not sure what had happened.She died on the thursday before I could get home.She was 55 years old.I miss her so much that I find it hard to get through the day sometimes.I have 2 kids that need me so know I have to move on but the child in me just wants my mum.I never got to say goodbye or tell her one last time that I loved her.Everyone keeps saying time will heal but not sure I will ever heal.Reading other messages makes me realise I am not alone.I miss my best friend my inspiration my strength.

sweethart Mon 01-Nov-10 16:31:37

Its been 3 weeks since I lost my mum and I still am in shock.I know she is gone and I saw her in the chapel of rest.We scattered her ashes but I still feel she will walk through the door or the phone will ring and it will be mum.My mind tells me ok think of the good times but my heart is crying out for the chance to tell her I love her and miss her.I would do anything for one last hug.

blueberrycustard Mon 01-Nov-10 17:05:31

Hi, I lost my mum suddenly a little more than one week ago. We spoke everyday (by phone, she was abroad). Find it terribly hard. Also, she had lots of contact with dd. Dd and I are planning to make a scrapbook about her ... not sure when we start with it though.

sweethart Wed 03-Nov-10 16:27:17

I realized today that I missed my mum before she passed away because we live so far apart so now she is gone I miss her twice as much.It hurts so bad that she is gone and I never got to say goodbye.Life is so cruel.

blueberrycustard Thu 04-Nov-10 10:43:44

What I find almost the worse thing, is that if dd had done something clever/naughty/whatever I could always tell her, talk about it, she was always interested, whereas dh might not necessarily be interested in these things. It just means it has become more difficult to share things about dd as well, I find that really hard. She wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend, and I didn't even tell her that. Never occurred to me. So many things I should have told her and I didn't. Feel awful.

zen1980 Sun 07-Nov-10 10:50:59

Blueberry you echo how I feel, its those thingsthat you take for granted you could share with her. My mum would be so excited as much as me and my oh about the smallest thing that the baby did, an now I just feel that I don't have that with anyone. Most of all at the moment I just feel like I've lost my connection to who I am if that makes sense. This week has been one of the hardest, first of all I went back to work and in total have been off a year but on the way to or home from work I would ring my mum so I cried all the way home. Also it was my 30th birthday on thurs an I can't help feeling so lost xx I miss her so much xx

choclab Mon 08-Nov-10 15:00:11

i lost my mum in August ..sad .

trying so very hard to hold it together , as my DD has suffered with seeing me upset been getting on with life ...hmm
but deep inside im falling apart , my DH doesnt want to know about it anymore ...

he has NO IDEA how this feels ...and im beginning to resent his lack of understanding ...

hugs to you all i know how you feel (((hugs)))

LadyMacca Tue 09-Nov-10 17:21:28

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss and am also feeling your pain, I lost my mum 6 weeks ago to Luekemia, it was a total shock as the Luekemia has more or less gone, she actually had a heart attack as her body could take no more drugs and anti biotics. i was with my mum the day before as she was in hospital, She was my best friend, my mum , my companion and my life. Nothing in this world prepare you for when they are taken from you, especially when its such a shock. We were with mum in Intensive care when they turned her machines off!!. One of the most heartbreaking things to ever have to be part of. I visited my mum alot in the chapel before her funeral and took comfort from that but now I cannot even do that its very very hard to understand she really has gone. I feel devastated my 2 year old who she simply adored will never see her again, She loved him and he loved her. Everyone tells me time heals but I cannot see that right now, me, my dad, my sister and brother are simply devastated and feel life will never be the same again........Love Emm

blueberrycustard Tue 09-Nov-10 22:23:15

LM - I agree, it is so hard to understand/realise that she is really gone. And in my case at least, no, life will never be the same again. I think maybe over time it will feel less bad but I am pretty sure that it will stay with me the rest of my life, e.g. sorrow, feeling of loss, feeling of missing out sharing things about my dd/myself/dh. I have started writing about all the things we have done (my mom and me) and quite soon I am going to start a scrapbook about my mom together with dd, we are going to put photos in, drawings, poems, letters, nice things, like dried flowers, coloured leaves (my mom loved nature), favorite recipes, pictures of art/art exhibitions (she loved art) etc. I want to try to make it a celebration of her life. I do feel at times terribly upset, and do cry also when dd is there but I have explained to dd why I find it so hard and that if she wants to cry or talk about it we can do that. I think that grieving is part of life and hope that this experience and seeing me go through it (hopefully in a positive way) helps her when my time comes (hopefully a long time away). But I do find it difficult though. I also do find it useful to read about grieving and on one website I read that some people believe that you grieve in stages, whereas others believe that it is not a process with a begin and end, but that it will continue your whole life, because at each new stage in your life you miss her again. Also feel quite bad that sometimes I feel really angry at my mom that she didn't accept medical help earlier, clearly it was a choice she made, but I do find it so hard, because she could still have been here. sad

sweethart Thu 11-Nov-10 23:08:14

I lost my mum almost 5 weeks ago and like yourselves its hard to believe she is realy gone.I can go for a whole day where I think I am doing ok and then it hits me and I think this can't be real what happened?.Am trying to be strong for my family but deap inside I am dying.I keep being told time will heal and it will get better but am finding it harder not easier as time goes by.I miss her and wish I had gotten time to tell her just how much she meant to us.I told her everyday when we spoke that I loved her and hope she knew how much.I am sure the could have ,should have thoughts will always be there just will get easier to cope with.I find comfort in this site that I am dealing the same way as other people are and that I am not alone.

Monkey1989 Tue 16-Nov-10 21:48:30

Hello all,

We lost my mother-in-law on October 7th. We were on holiday and it was very sudden. They called it a "Massive Pulmonary Embolism".
She was 49.
Myself and my partner (her son) were very close to her. When my partner and I got engaged, she gave me her own mother's engagement ring (her mum died 14 years ago). Last night my partner told me it's hitting him hard now, and I feel like he may be heading towards a breakdown. I'm pretending to cope for him, but when I'm alone I'm falling apart. It's the first death I've experienced.
I sobbed in the middle of Boots the other day because I saw a gift that she may like for Christmas - remembering that she isn't here was like a punch in the stomach.

Has anyone else found this? That you can't stop your brain thinking something that would be so natural if they were still here. But it hurts so much...

I really, truely am so sorry for all of your losses. I can only imagine the grief you must feel for your parents. My love and best wishes are with you all x

LadyMacca Wed 17-Nov-10 16:17:07

I am so so sorry to hear your sad news. I think everyone can relate to the sudden thoughts and pangs of pain for mising someone so much. I went to a christmas event my mum use to go to every year, I went in honour of her and spent most of the evening in tears. I have no idea how we will make it through Christmas this year! We collected my mums ashes last week from the funeral directors, it all seems just so sureal and untrue, I expect my phone to ring and it be her, an email to pop into my inbox or her come round my house to look after my 2 year old son, Life just seems to unfair at the moment, why did she have to die and leave us, who made that decision!!!!!. The one thing we have on our side is we are an exceptionly close family and love and care for each other so much and with that strength we live and breath each day :-) . My thoughts are with you all xxxx

sweethart Fri 26-Nov-10 04:20:19

Christmas is going to be so hard,went shopping the other day and found myself rushing home to get on webcam chat with mum and show her what I found.Only to get home and realise she wouldnt be there.It feals like the air rushes out of my body and I cannot breath.How I will get through this holiday I do not know.I miss mum so much.

Ness70 Sat 27-Nov-10 00:04:54

Hi sweetheart I know where you are. It's been 12 weeks for me now and it feels like last week. Because we were so close and spoke every day everything I do I want to tell her about. I've spoken to lots of people and read lots and realise this is the way it will be. I feel like I'm a different person now but my boy is 2 next week so I have to carry on. Everything I see and do reminds me of mum. I can only hope it gets better. Everybody tells me it will in some way/shape. Thinking of you all. Xxx

sweethart Thu 09-Dec-10 12:21:31

9 weeks down and still doesnt seam real.I keep thinking ok its time to wake up from this horrible dream.Only thing is when I do wake up mum is still gone.I see its the same for others who miss her too but nothing I can do to help when I cant help myself.

Ness70 Sat 11-Dec-10 23:41:48

Just come back from a wedding reception with my dad which my mum and dad were due to go to together. It's weird. I'm not sure what I feel. Everybody there having a great time (as it should be). I feel sort of numb. I do feel like it's not real and I've just taken her place for a bit and she will turn up soon. Sounds daft I know. Sweethart I know what you mean. One day I'll wake up and it will all be as it should be. But I can only think of the people who have lost their mum much younger than me so I have to be grateful that I had as long as I did I guess. So hard cos I still feel like a little girl who needs her mum. I am 40. It's never easy but I guess there's always somebody worse off??? Not making much sense now, but thinking of everybody who's lost somebody close. Xxx

sweethart Tue 14-Dec-10 21:20:32

Thats how I feal too that I am going to wake up and mum will be here and it will have all been a dream.I keep thinking she will be real mad we got rid of her clothes and stuff which is crazy.Feals like I have lost a huge part of me and I simply am struggling to carry on without it.Just when I think I can't miss her more I wake up to another day without her and prove myself wrong.I am 34 years old and all I want for christmas is the one thing I cannot ever have ..My mum back

seb1 Tue 14-Dec-10 23:17:14

When we were selling my Mum's house I had a really vivid dream in which I was in her empty house, the guy who was buying her house was in the garden waiting to get in and my Mum was there asking what was the man was doing in the garden, when I woke up it felt so real and I felt very confused.

Ness70 Wed 22-Dec-10 20:54:22

I too am having dreams. The one I've had about 4 times is mum turns up and it's all been a horrible mistake. I am so pleased to have her there.....
How are you doing sweethart and anybody else that feels like this? It's a tough time I know although I find it hard to distinguish between any other time because I just want her here Christmas or not.....

Mumforever123 Mon 27-Dec-10 19:12:30

I lost my mum yesterday and it hurts.

BigBoldAndBeautiful Mon 27-Dec-10 19:26:13

My mum died this September. I loved her so much and miss her very much.

Grief is very individual and personal, but it (grief) is absolutely normal.

I am not 'being strong' as I am constantly being told to do, usually by those who have not loss someone close to them.

Mumforever123 Mon 27-Dec-10 19:29:16

Your describing exactly the same thing as happened to my mum. She had really bad lungs from an infection. She went in on Christmas day and her body could not cope with the drugs they were giving her and she had heart failure. When we went to see her yesterday I believe she had already gone but it was the machines that were making her lungs go up and down as if she was breathing. They switched off the machines. I am filled with this remorse as I was so pleased she was admittd to hospital on xmas day as I thought she will get better now, she is in hospital, they will make her well. But she died. I should of stayed. But now she is gone. My dad has cancer and he was been spending his time arranging his own funeral and sorting out paperwork so mum would be looked after when he went and it is mum who has died. His grief is unbearable to watch. I do not know what to say to him to help, and probably nothing can. I can't talk to my dad properly, we were always bought up so strictly and did not show emotion. My mum was loving and wonderful and loved her grandchildren but I still expected her to be around for a few more years. Mum I love you.

BigBoldAndBeautiful Mon 27-Dec-10 20:29:00


sweethart Tue 28-Dec-10 00:25:18

Ness70 I am truthfully hurting so bad its hard to get through the day.But life goes on so I just keep busy and hope it will be bedtime soon so I can sleep and dream of a place she is there still.I would give everything to have her here and like you said christmas or not.Mumforever123 I wish I could say it gets better as I heard so many times however I am not there yet.Its different for everyone unfortunately we all have to find our way through it.Just remmeber the positive times and remember the love it will help you through.I am so sorry for your loss.

sweethart Tue 28-Dec-10 00:27:08

Ness70 I am truthfully hurting so bad its hard to get through the day.But life goes on so I just keep busy and hope it will be bedtime soon so I can sleep and dream of a place she is there still.I would give everything to have her here and like you said christmas or not.Mumforever123 I wish I could say it gets better as I heard so many times however I am not there yet.Its different for everyone unfortunately we all have to find our way through it.Just remmeber the positive times and remember the love it will help you through.I am so sorry for your loss.

Mumforever123 Wed 29-Dec-10 19:27:59

Thank you so much for the kind words. My Aunt said it would be nice if one of us (I am the eldest of six) said some words at the funeral which is next Friday 7th - how will I find the courage and not break down on the day?

Ness70 Wed 29-Dec-10 22:50:36

Hi mumforever123 I'm so sorry for your loss. Do any of your siblings feel more capable of saying something? Some people have a natural ability... It wouldn't matter if you did break down anyway. My brother said something (I wouldn't have been able to) and he got through most of it. People don't expect you to be a composed daughter at this time. You may feel like you should do it but don't feel like you have to.... Your mum wouldn't want to cause you any angst.

Mumforever123 Tue 04-Jan-11 21:19:13

Hi everyone, went to see mum at the funeral home today with dad, watched him take a great does of morphine before going. Watching him greive over my mum and he is dying himself is unbearable. Nothing I can say or do. Now left him in the house on his own, with his grief. I am trying to talk to him and he doesn't want to. I have asked him if he wishes to have people in like Cruse Bereavement but doesn't want that either. My dad is greiving over my mum and he is dying himself. Had a shock when I rang the McMillan Nurse who has been previously to see my dad. Told her about my mum dying and could she come round and see my dad to check if he taking his medication etc. etc. and she said she doesn't do bereavement calls. I said I am not asking you for a bereavement call, I'm asking you to check on my dad. See your GP she said. Wow.

ilovemyteddy Thu 06-Jan-11 17:34:03

Mumforever123 I am so sorry for your loss and that your Dad is so ill, too. I lost my Dad to cancer seven years ago, and my Mum has recently been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour, so I have some idea of how you are feeling right now.

WRT saying a few words at the funeral - I did the eulogy at my Dad's funeral. I asked various family members for memories of Dad and used those as the basis to talk about him and his life. I had notes which I read out and asked DH to stand next to me in case I couldn't get through it. I managed it because I wanted to talk about my Dad, rather than having it done by a priest/minister who didn't know him, and by reminding myself that it was a mark of respect to my Dad and a means of supporting my Mum. However, as Ness70 says don't feel that you have to do it. Everyone who is at the funeral will understand if you can't.

I see that the funeral is tomorrow and that you may not see this in time, but I wish you strength to get through the day.

sieglinde Thu 06-Jan-11 19:16:52

Today would have been my mother's 84th birthday. My second Christmas without her. It hurts still. She died very suddenly, of liver cancer. My sympahty to all of you who have borne this loss.

Ness70 Thu 06-Jan-11 19:55:24

Mumforever123 I hope you get through it all tomorrow. It's tough (to say the least) but you know that already. Thinking of you and everybody who is suffering this horrible pain and hole in their life.

ThreadBareCarpet Thu 06-Jan-11 20:17:27

Will be thinking of you.

Buried my mum very recently.

nicnak28 Fri 07-Jan-11 12:08:53

hi everyone im 21 years old and my mum died on the 10th december 2010 which is 4 weeks today, she died of a heart attack she had heart problems, she was also told that she had lung cancer in september and she only had a year to live, just thought we had longer with her to say what we wanted to say and go on one last holiday, she was so looking forward to this christmas together, i miss her sooo much i just want to talk to her again and give her a cuddle, i never got to tell her i thought she was the bravest,strongest kindest mum, it makes it harder as i dont talk to my dad, i do have wonderful sisters, boyfriend and nan but just want my mum, miss talking to her about silly things, im thinking of everyone thats going through the same.

Sexonlegs Fri 07-Jan-11 16:11:38

Hi there.

My Mum died on New Years Eve So, a week ago today. She had been battling cancer for 2 years, but you would never have known she was ill. She looked amazing and was with us on a big family holiday at the end of October.

Sadly, from November, she started to go downhill and passed away at home, with Dad having cared for her 24/7. I was lucky to have been there when she died. Although it was expected, I was so shocked when dad said "she's gone", and tbh feel like I am in denial. I am trying to keep busy, but feel utterly exhausted. I am quite snappy with my dd's too.

Had to sort out flowers and music today for the funeral which is on Tuesday. Trying to write a card with the flowers was unbearable

I feel for everyone who has lost anyone they love.

I will never forget Mum; she was a wonderful, thoughtful, fun-loving lady.

Theyremybiscuits Fri 07-Jan-11 16:20:39

Dear Sexonlegs, when you talked of writing the card for the funeral flowers I nearly broke down.

I remember that so clearly.

Writing a small note to say goodbye to one so loved is heartbreaking.

Mum, I still miss you so much.

I talk to her photo every day (still grieving mad woman I am x)

claireb64 Sat 08-Jan-11 21:38:47

hi all - my mum died suddenly mid november - so 7 weeks ago. suddenly this week the reality of it all isstarting to hit me big time i think. anxiety, snappiness, tears, finding it all too much and hard to cope with. my dad died 7 years ago and i missed him dreadfully too, but then i had mum to think about, look after and be with. she was so well - she had had her share of illness after dad died ( breast cancer, arthritis etc) but was doing really well and had been on holiday. she died suddenly the day after she got home. i used to spend lots of time worrying about her and 'what if' she died etc. i feel like i took my eye off the ball (cos she had had a great holiday etc) and that was it, she had gone just when no one expected it. i wouldnt have wished illness or a lingering death on mum, but the shock is so intense and hard to bear.

03kirsty Sat 08-Jan-11 22:25:31

My Mum was being treated for food poisoning in november by her GP. She was last in hospital 30 yrs ago when my little brother was born. She worked up til retirement 2yrs ago. She was a very young active 62 year old. She was sent to the hospital on the 13 November for routine scans re the food poisoning. She was given an emergency bowel op. Cancer was found. She was home 7 days after the op but went down hill rapid. I brought my June 2011 wedding forward to December the 27th in her front room. My mum was in pain on the 13th December admitted to St Columbus that afternoon and was dead 12 hrs later on the 14th December. 4 days before my 34 birthday. We, my brohter dad and I,were with her as she slept away painfree. I cried that morning and sobbed at her funeral but I haven't cried properly since. I keep stopping myself. I saw mum almost everyday. She lived next to my 6yr daughters school. My daughter was the only grandchild and my mum looked after her the days I worked. We were very close. Close doesnt mean best friends. We had our disagreements and we are both so different but we both knew we loved each other loads. I called her at least 2 times a day. Much to my dads annoyance! My question is why am I not crying, I want to but am scared to start. And think what good will crying do. I almost feel if I cry I will be admitting she is gone. I have never felt so sad.

Sexonlegs Sat 08-Jan-11 22:45:00

Kirsty and Claire, I am so sorry

I can totally empathise with the anxiety, snappiness and feeling overwhelmed. And the crying as well- cried loads when Mum died, but not as much as I feel I should.

From what I understand, grief and mourning takes time, and is such a personal thing - there are no right or wrong ways.

I find it comes in waves.

Kirsty, my mum had bowel cancer too, which the doctor fobbed off as IBS. Had they taken notice several years ago, we may not have been in this situation.

Thinking of you and all those who are going through this.

nicnak28 Sun 09-Jan-11 09:46:34


03kirsty Sun 09-Jan-11 10:57:47

NikNak I feel the same way. Just want to talk to her about nonsense. I still go to pick up the phone but then remember she's not there. I don't allow myself to think about it too long as then it will seem real. I'm older than you, 34, but feel too young to be without my mum so goodness knows how you feel. I dont want to talk to anyone else either as how would they have any idea how I feel??? She was my mum as yours was yours. hugs xxxx

03kirsty Sun 09-Jan-11 10:58:25

sorry nicnak28 x

sweethart Mon 10-Jan-11 02:34:04

I can tell you I feal the same way as the o3kirsty I am also 34 and some days I feal like I just cannot go on without my mum.I talk to my dad everyday on the internet as I am overseas but its not the same kind of chat I had with mum we talked about the silliest stuff but then we loved that we could.I am stressed out alot more because I dont have the awesome voice of reason who told me its ok.Its been 3 months and it already feals like a lifetime.I feal like I will fall down anytime because I have lost my ROCK.

claireb64 Mon 10-Jan-11 16:30:04

i too feel like ive lost my backstop - mum was always there for advice, help, support, a listening ear. my kids meant the world to her and she to them and nothin can replace that ever.

Ness70 Tue 11-Jan-11 10:33:20

I agree with everybody about their mum being their rock. I feel like I am not complete anymore. It's been 4 months now since she died. My little boy was 21 months when it happened and I didn't know what to say so didn't really say anything-I thought he was too young to grasp the facts. She used to look after him and was always around. Now he's 25 months and because I've started bringing some of mums stuff home (can't bring myself to throw anything away) and saying this is nanas so and so, he's repeating everything. I don't want to confuse him but I don't want him to forget her because they adored each other. Does anybody have any ideas as to what I should say/do? I am drowning in my own grief and feel like I'm failing him anyway so would like to do the right thing... Any ideas?

LadyMacca Tue 11-Jan-11 11:48:57

I am so sorry to read more sad and tragic postings. mumforever my mum also passed away in September last year, she has Luekemia and her body could not cope with the drugs anymore, she had heart failure and was on life support. I experienced the same as you where the machine was breathing for her, she was asleep and on a high dosage of pain killers, We sat in her room in Intensive care for 2 hours while they turned the machines off and we stayed with her until she passed away. That is something I will never ever understand or even get my head around, even now 4 months on nearly I think about her every minute of every day, the pain is unbearable as she was my rock, my life and the person who made me, without her I would be nothing. My thoughts are with everyone xxxxxxx

LadyMacca Tue 11-Jan-11 11:53:46

Hello Ness, My mum use to look after my little boy ( who turned 3 last week)1 day a week until she got Luekemia, even when she was out of hospital she still looked after him, he was one of 4 grandsons and she just adored him. My boy saw my grief and me crying and being away alot so I had to explain to him that Nanny had to be with the fairies. He knew Nanny was poorly anyway. I know he is too young to understand loosing someone but he knows Nanny is being looked after my the fairies and everynight he blows her a kiss and tells her he loves her. At least this way he can slightly understand if mummy is sad. xxxxxx

Sexonlegs Tue 11-Jan-11 20:43:38

It is so hard isn't it trying to explain to the dc.

My dd1 is 7, so she totally understands and has been truly amazing with me.
DD2 is 3. She just keeps saying a man has taken Gran and they have gone to the angels.

It was Mum's funeral today. Since she died, I think I have been in denial. Today was very real, and I have gone to pieces.

claireb64 Tue 11-Jan-11 22:20:54

oh that day is so difficult to bear. unreal i thought. i felt guilty as i looked at the coffin and it meant nothing to me in a wierd way - all about denial i suppose. it was after that day ( i HATE the word funeral) that everyone else seemed to 'get back to normal', except me. my thoughts are with you as its such a tough time.
re the little ones - mine are 6 and 4. they both know nanny has died and gone to be with grandad and the angels. they talk about her (they didnt know grandad) when they want to, we go to her house and we have lots of photos up. we talk about her a lot. xx

Sexonlegs Wed 12-Jan-11 11:47:57

Claire, Ikwym re that F word. I cannot stand it. Your dc sound lovely

I feel awful today. DD1 is off school with a temperature, and her and dd2 are bickering. Dh sadly has had to fly off as his Uncle died on Sunday and is attending the F word tomorrow. He won't be back until late Friday. Feel so wiped out and unable to deal with much.

How is everyone else doing?

LadyMacca Wed 12-Jan-11 16:39:19

My Mums 'f word' was in October but it feels like a month ago. Me and my sister arranged most of it as my dad was in pieces. Its such an emotional day as I could not get my head around the fact my mum was in the coffin even though I went and saw her in the chapel many times it all seemed unreal, even now we have her ashes at my dads house deciding what to do with them in the spring as we want it to be special and somewhere we can visit. Her ' F' word was an amaxing day wiht over 150 people there, My mum would have been so proud and have loved what we did for her but the fact is she has gone and if she was still here then that day would clearly have never happenned.
Do you find that people say there soul and spirit is still here there body is just a vessel! What hurts is its the vessel we look at and speak to each day and we remeber for laughing and talking, so not seeing that ' vessell' everyday hurts so so much xxxx

Ness70 Fri 14-Jan-11 10:42:31

Thanks for the comments re: little ones. I feel like I've done it wrong because I didn't say anything straight away as he was only 21 months. He must be missing this great influence who was in his life so much.
Sorry to everybody going through the f day recently or feeling low. My mums was in Sept and like LadyMacca it feels like yesterday. I've been thinking about counselling. Has anybody else been? X

Sexonlegs Fri 14-Jan-11 12:32:11

Afternoon all.

No counselling here.

Really struggling atm. This week has just been the worst. DD1 off sick Mon-Wed, Mum's F on Tuesday, dh away since Wednesday a.m. to attend his uncles F abroad, and dd2 poorly since yesterday. Both dd's home today, as there is an inset day.

And to top it all off, one of my cats weed all over my bed which soaked in to the duvet and through to the electric blanket, last night GRRRRRR

I feel wiped out
Sorry for rant. Hope all is well.

monkeyflippers Fri 14-Jan-11 13:01:47

This thread made me cry as there are so many people who have gone through the same as me.

I lost my mum when I was 8 months pregnant with my first. She never got to meet her grandchildren which is so unfair. She would have loved them and they would have loved her. I explain to my oldest who is nearly 5 now all about my mum but it's not the same as them knowing her. It's changed me for life I think.

I feel grateful though that they baby inside me survived, as the grief and stress affected her to the point where she stopped developing and needed to be born.

I still want her back very day and feel so sad and guilty that she suffered.

claireb64 Fri 14-Jan-11 18:19:00

god its so raw isnt it. i feel for everyone so much. i am very lucky that mum and my kids had each other for 6 and 4 years. and all that that meant to me. unreasonably i now feel cross with people when they talk about what'the grandparents' have been doing with their kids - i feel jealous and thats not nice i know. my kids havent got any grandparents now and i just think its such a shame. but then theyve had the best.
ive felt ok for the last few days which is odd - then i wonder why i feel ok??!!! not cried for a few days (well apart from one brief outburst this morning when someone at school said they were sorry theyd only just heard....
love to allxx

Sexonlegs Fri 14-Jan-11 19:50:17

Claire, ikwym. My mil came over last Saturday and was clucking over the girls and saying "ah, my lovely grand-daughters". I just wanted to punch her.

Ness70 Sat 15-Jan-11 23:47:12

I know it's not funny but it did make me laugh. I just wanted to punch her... I know exactly what you mean. Some people feel like they're being so insensitive with the things they say. When somebody says stuff about their mum I just think how can you talk to me about your mum when my mum isn't here and my world has fallen apart. They don't mean to be insensitive or I'm just far too sensitive about stuff like that at the moment. Thinking of you all. X

Sexonlegs Sun 16-Jan-11 09:03:30

I did though! She is a counsellor and you would have thought she would have been more sensitive. She also said something along the lines of " oh you know us grandma's".

Silly cow. Relations with mil have always been someone strained....

How is everyone else?

Ness70 Sun 16-Jan-11 09:36:25

That is insensitive! A counseller too... How are your little ones now? So much illness about...

Sexonlegs Sun 16-Jan-11 12:50:55

Hi Ness, dd2 is still poorly; day 4 of high temp, and dh is ill too. Dd1 is on the mend. I am just waiting for it to knock me sideways!

How is everyone doing?

I had another moment today in Waitrose of all places!

I know it sounds naff, but after mum's funeral, as it was just Dad, me and my db, we went to waitrose for a coffee ( not the same branch to where I was today), but made me sad all the same.

claireb64 Sun 16-Jan-11 21:06:36

yeah i cant go to some places that me and my mum used to go when she visited me. i just stay away now.
missing her like mad. x

LadyMacca Mon 17-Jan-11 13:30:35

Ah I feel for your problems with your mil. I have the same with mine, she has no heart and no soul. My mum was the most loving, kind hearted happy person ever and my mil well she is miserable, cannot do anything for anyone and when she invited herself to mums funeral she moaned that she did not have the right directions....LIKE I REALLY CARE is what I felt like saying!!!!!! She has never asked how I am feeling or coping with my loss, heartless is the only word to describe her!!!.

I had a terrible moment yesterday, I downloaded the 2 songs we had at my mums funeral onto my phone yesterday, I tired to listen to one of them and lasted 3 seconds before I burst into tears, such beautiful songs like I have never heard before but hurt so much to listen to. Mum passed away 4 weeks today so not a good day :-( xxx

Sexonlegs Mon 17-Jan-11 15:59:43

LadyMacca My heart goes out to you.

The music we had coming in to Mum's funeral was Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. I play this on the piano, and used to play it for Mum (hence why we chose it). Just looking at the sheet music makes me well up.

Your mil sounds horrendous. My mil is kind and well meaning, but she has no common sense, and doesn't think before she opens her mouth.

How is everyone doing?

LadyMacca Mon 17-Jan-11 16:40:38

Ah I have not heard that music but will have to find it now on line. We had ' To where you are' and 'You raise me up' by Josh Groban as Mum loved him....beautiful songs and meaningfull words xxxx

claireb64 Mon 17-Jan-11 16:46:23

what lovely songs. so much thought goes into it. we had 'moonlight serenade' as mum used to love wartime glenn miller music.
MILs eh?? ive got one i dont even call a MIL. shes vile. not worthy of the title grandma. kids barely know her.
love to all x

Sexonlegs Mon 17-Jan-11 17:03:26

Oh I love Josh Groban too; what beautiful choices. We just had 3 classical pieces of music.

Megatron Sun 23-Jan-11 16:31:14

Hi everyone I'm so sorry for all of us who have lost loved ones. My Mum died last April and my Dad 5 months later in September. I don't feel I'm coping very well I just miss them so much. I just want to talk to them. sad

Ness70 Mon 24-Jan-11 20:07:11

Hi Megatron I'm sorry for your losses. So close together..... Were they ill? My mum died in Sept and I still find it hard to believe. It was so sudden. There we were making plans for tomorrow, next week, next month and then she's gone. Not sure I'll ever get my head around it. I know it's going on everywhere and I'm sorry for everybody else too.

Bizzylizzylou Tue 01-Feb-11 23:27:36

Hi there

My lovely mum died on New Years Eve too, unexpectedly, she'd had the flu for a few days. I live 150 miles away from her so couldn't tell how poorly she was over the phone - she kept saying she didn't want us to call a doctor (my brother & sister lived close to her) so we waited, the worst mistake of our lives, she died alone at home and we were too late. It's over 4 weeks ago & I'm scared at how raw & powerful my grief & sadness are, it's not going away. I have so much guilt about not helping her, I never got to see her before she went, her Xmas presents for me were still under her tree, wrapped up when my poor sister found her. my heart is breaking & I feel I have nothing to live for. I just stare at her photo's a sob my heart out, how can I help myself? sorry to rant but I dont think anyone around me can feel my pain.

Sexonlegs Wed 02-Feb-11 17:21:07

Bizzylizzy, I am so sorry for your loss. How truly terrible.

I know it is easy to say this, but please please try not to feel guilty. Your Mum could have passed at any time. I was in the house when Mum died (also on NYE) but I wasn't with her iyswim. I too felt dreadful that I hadn't been with her when she went, but it is impossible to know.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Bizzylizzylou Wed 02-Feb-11 17:56:03

Thankyou so much for your kind message - I feel like you've thrown me a lifeline, I just didn't know who to turn to. It's terrible to lose anyone but NYE is such a big date in the calender it will be etched on our memories for ever.
I can't believe you're going through exactly the same as me, our timings etc, life can be so cruel. I know I should ease up on myself with the guilt because it doensn't help, I'm hoping it's just part of the process. Had to take today off work as I cried so much last night my eyes were swollen & I hadn't slept but Ive picked up again this afternoon, thanks for the contact & support.
I will think of you as I go through my journey & know I'm not alone, as much as I wish you weren't going through it too.
take good care

Sexonlegs Wed 02-Feb-11 20:22:31

Ikwym re a lifeline.

Mumsnet has been amazing. It is so lovely to be able to "talk" to others who are in a similar situation and know where I am coming from. I can also sit and cry when I am typing about silly things!!

I hope you keep on posting.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. x

Bizzylizzylou Wed 02-Feb-11 22:16:09


I'm definitely going to keep on posting - ive never done this before & joined mumsnet because I saw this thread, I do have 3 stepdaughters but they've left school & live with their mum.
Today my good friend said I should do the little things which give me pleasure & perk me up like: having a cappucino, a warm aromatherapy oil bath, buying some nice face cream, watching an uplifting film, treating myself to a yummy dinner or anything that make me feel good. she is so right, it just takes you out of the despair & is a little feel good therapy.
i hope you all find a little somehthing that puts a ray of sunshine into your day. "keep looking at the sun & you wont see the shadows"
thanks again to all, prayers are with you

claireb64 Mon 07-Feb-11 16:31:23

bizzylizzylou - i feel for you so much. i was thinking today its nearly 3 months for me now. i cant really believe that, as every single day since mum died she has been at the forefront of my mind, constantly. i was thinking what i would give to just have a few minutes with her to tell her all the stuff i didnt have chance to. thats the bugger about the suddenness. no chance to say good bye. it gets a bit easier, honest - i have some days now where i dont cry but i still feel very empty. and i miss the chats and just sitting with her. take care x

Bizzylizzylou Tue 08-Feb-11 20:57:45

Hi Claire

Thanks for your message, it really does help to know that we're all feeling the same. The suddenness is what I'm really struggling with, not having the chance to exchange Xmas presents (theyre still all wrapped up) not seeing her, saying goodbye or remembering the last moment I saw her alive. Blame & guilt are my worst things. I haven't cried today, after 5 weeks of being in floods of tears every day & howling like a baby Ive all of a sudden stopped. It's not that I don't feel sad, i sort of don't feel anything, numb I suppose & trying to cry make my throat go tight & painful. Maybe it's survival mode, I was probably in danger of becoming dehydrated!
What we wouldn't give for just an hour more of their lives, it's a yearning Ive never had before & I don't think I will ever be at peace with what happened. But my mum always used to say "life is for the living" so we must continue.
You, & everyone here are in my thoughts, keep putting one foot infront of the other & we'll get by.
Best, Lizzy x

LadyMacca Wed 09-Feb-11 13:07:08

Hello Everyone, Just wanted to say thinking of you all and Lizzy I am so sorry for your sadness, Its been 19 weeks and 2 days since my mum passed away and as you can see I count everyday, Nothing can take away the daily pain I feel however this site has made me realise I am not alone and other people are going this though such heartache every minute of every day.
All we can do is take comfort that we were blessed with such wonderful loving mums and spent precious times of our lives laughing, chatting, smiling and just being loved....And we will go on being loved the sad thing is we psycially cannot touch or feel them xxxxxxx thinking of you all xxx

Bizzylizzylou Thu 10-Feb-11 20:25:43

Thankyou for your thoughts, it's good to know someone is there when you feel alone. I don't always want to keep talking about my mum to my boyfriend as I feel he's getting depressed by it all. He suffers from that anyway & then I won't be able to deal with him & his worries while I feel this way.
I do feel blessed to have had such a beautiful, loving mum, my only worry is that I think about her every waking moment & feel that life & work interfere with my grieving. I thought work was supposed to take my mind off things but I find it annoying to have to 'ignore' my mum to deal with trivia!
Well, I should try to be more positive, hope you are all coping & finding your way somehow.
Thanks for the support everyone, my prayers are with you x

claireb64 Fri 11-Feb-11 12:05:13

and its good to know others are 'in the same boat' as it were. a good friend of mine has just lost his dad and it makes me think how far ive come actually. that intial raw pain has gone now. but it leaves something else doesnt it - a sort of plodding emptiness. i know JUST what you mean lizzy, about work getting in the way of grieving.
my mum also used to say 'life is for the living' and she also used to say 'lifes too short/this isnt a rehearsal' etc etc etc all so true. i keep telling myself what we are experiencing IS a normal part of life. a crap one, but normal.
thanks for everyones comments it really helps. thinking of you all xx

sweethart Wed 23-Feb-11 04:44:28

Its been 4 months since I lost my best friend and it doesn't get any easier.
I miss mum so bad its hard to carry on.have been strong for my family but I am dying inside.

elizadoestoomuch Wed 23-Feb-11 20:25:48

Today is 18 years since my mum passed away. I was 16. It was a shock to all of us. She took an overdose. We didn't find her until 20hours later so in our hearts she died on the 24/2/93. i miss her all the time. I miss that she never got to meet my children (even tho i know if she was here she would be so interfering!!) but god what I would give for her to turn up at the door with her "saturday night special" and tell me what I was doing wrong! (tho if she did I'd probably be on MN bitching about her grin . It does get easier but the loss is still there.

LadyMacca Thu 24-Feb-11 16:02:51

Sweethart I know exactly what you mean, its nearly 5 months now that mum passed away, the pain is sometimes just too great. I look so brave on the outside and everyone is so ' proud' of me but inside I feel dead but I have to be strong, brave and happy for my 3yr old son xxxxxxxx

Ness70 Mon 28-Mar-11 21:01:09

Hello all just wanted to say I was thinking of you all. It's been 6 months for me now. I still find it hard to believe in some ways but in other ways I guess it's something you get used to - I suppose you learn to live with the loss. Never want to get used to it and can't believe I will never see mum again. As LadyMacca says I too have to be strong for my two year old son instead of curl up and die myself. It hurts unbearably sometimes.... Hope everybody is coping. X

choclab Tue 29-Mar-11 13:07:51

Ness70 - so sorry for your loss ((hug)

I to lost my mum 6 months ago , although feels like yesterday sad

i dont want time to move on as then i feel it was long ago , but it isnt in my eyes , and even saying last year sounds so long ago , but isnt (if that makes sense )

comes in huge waves , and with Mothers day looming finding it hard

thinking of us all who have lost a mum (((hugs))))x

Sexonlegs Tue 29-Mar-11 21:34:05

Hello all.

Sorry to hear of sadness amongst us.

It will be 3 months this week that my Mum went. I cleared out her wardrobes and drawers on Saturday; one of the hardest things I have ever done I found a couple of Mothers Day cards that I had sent her over the last 2 years, and just wept. I miss her like nothing else.
Like you, I am chirpy on the outside, but when I am alone, I feel like my heart will break.

I hate the fact that Mum is no longer here.

Love and strength to all of us going through this.

jpsmum Sun 03-Apr-11 22:03:56

I just found this thread today, mothers day, and I'm so pleased I did. My mum went into hospital on 19th January with a stroke, the day before I was induced with my first child (I'm 30). On 21st January my son was born and I was told my mum had suffered another stroke and a heart attack whilst I was in labour. I felt like one coming in, one going out. I had an emergency cesarian, so was in hospital for a few days, but unable to see my mum as there was novo-virus on her ward. I am single, so the only visitors I had were my family, and they were all just shell-shocked with what was happening with my mum. I have never been so sad, just as my DS was looking up with his big eyes at his mum. The stroke left my mum blind, and they recommended no visitors whilst they found out what was wrong. Several weeks later they found cancer. It was only then that I was allowed to see her. One week later, on 10th March, she died. She never got to see my son, although I took him in to touch his hand, but by that point she could only just tap a finger to let you know she could hear you. It was the most upsetting thing, and I can't get the image of her crazy eyes just staring out when we all knew she was dying and she was just rasping breath and in pain. We buried my mum last Thursday, and today, mothers day, I have just fallen apart. She was very upset when she found out I was pregnant and told me that she cried her eyes out all night because she didn't want me to struggle as a single parent, that she wanted me to have everything. And I just wish she could see how happy I am to be a mum, how beautiful my son is, and how I'm not struggling at all. I regret so much all the arguments we had when I was pregnant. And because she was ill with a suspected chest infection before she had the stroke, I wasn't allowed to see her from xmas incase I caught it whilst pregnant. I lost that time with my mum, I have no mum to share the new mum experience with, and I feel such a hole in my life. It's only been three weeks, but I feel like my safety net has gone, my one constant in my life gone, and I just wish I could have a cuddle from her. I wouldn't want anyone to feel this pain, but knowing that you are all out there too, makes me feel a bit better. Love to you all on mothers day xxxxxxxx

trumpton Sun 03-Apr-11 22:16:48

Had to post. JPSMUM I am lighting a candle for my lovely mum tonight. Your gift to your mother will be you being a wonderful mother to your DS. What our mothers gave us we pass on to the next generation and ( in my case ) to the generation after that.

My mother had a dreadful death but I take consolation in the fact she had a wonderful life and was loved so well.

My condolences to you.

Sexonlegs Mon 04-Apr-11 07:40:51

Jjp'smum, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum; what a heartbreaking situation to have been in- a real mix of emotions for you.

I wish you love and strength, and best wishes for you and your ds.

jpsmum Mon 04-Apr-11 11:51:36

I certainly didn't expect dedicated replies, or to see anything on here so soon it's really warmed my heart thank you :-D Visiting the grave yesterday was really tough, but strangely, as the cemetery was filled with other mourners young and old, to new graves and to older ones, it made me feel a bit better that all of us were there to respect our special mothers and hope that they could see that they still mean a lot to us. Best wishes to all xxx

scissors36 Tue 05-Apr-11 21:22:10

Sorry to all who have lost loved ones xx, my mum sadly passed away at the age of 57 on 30th sept 2010, she was my everything and I'm finding it really hard without her, I feel like the shoulder for my dad, sister and brother, but don't feel strong myself although I pretend in a way around them, I'm 37 and have three absolutely smashing kids, but at the moment I'm either crying or getting shouty and stressed, is anyone else feeling this way if so any advise please? thankyou in advance xx

Sexonlegs Wed 06-Apr-11 08:35:39

Scissors, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. That is so young

No real advice, but wanted to say that I too am either crying or shouting, with not much in between.

I also feel exhausted by it all; emotional stress is tiring.

As I said, no real advice, other than be kind to yourself, and take time for yourself.


claireb64 Tue 12-Apr-11 21:37:59

not been on here for a while, but glad i came back to see how everyone is doing. nearly 5 months for me now and have just hit another wall. dont know about everyone else but i can feel ok ish for a few weeks and then plummet again. in the midst of all the grief ive tried to change my life a bit - changed job (lucky i know in the current climate) to make less stress for myself as my kids were hearing me shout a bit too much. theyre young and although they miss nanny, i cant expect them to 'get' how i feel. its just so hard, painful etc etc mothers day was a toughie for me - and for others too i see. lovely idea to light a candle. xx

sweethart Tue 19-Apr-11 19:50:49

Its been almost 7 months since we lost mum and even though it still does not feel real I am learning to cope with missing her.It will never go away but I am dealing with it.One day at a time I go on because thats what she would have told me to do.

nometime Tue 19-Apr-11 19:56:55

Something from my DH who lost his dad and mum some years ago. You never stop missing them but you do learn to live with it and the rawness does go. One day you will have a memory and laugh I promise.

Thinking of you all. Take care.

home00 Wed 20-Apr-11 11:01:29

Sometime I wonder does it ever get easier. I remember after losing my dad I was really upset but the pain eased in time. With Mum it is so different. If anything it seems to get harder. I know its early days. Only been a couple of months but it is still so raw. Sorry to everyone struggling.

angiepangy Sat 07-May-11 09:29:31

my Mum died on Wednesday, i am so sad. She was poorly and in hospital, my sister and i thought she would be ok. her death came as such a shock. i feel really bad i didnt see her before she died. i miss her so much it hurts

Sexonlegs Sun 08-May-11 11:25:19


I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. It is very early days.

It is easy to feel guilty about not seeing someone often or before they died, but it could have happened at any time, so please don't be hard on yourself.

Can you tell us any more about your lovely Mum?

sueandjames Mon 09-May-11 14:56:07

My mum died 8 weeks ago from cancer it was a big shock because she died very suddenly. Since then I feel ill and worried that I am going to get it. My body aches and i feel discomfort in my tummy. I miss her really bad as since my husband died 2 years ago she has been my rock and always been there for my. I worry about something happening to me and leaving my 9 year old son alone. Help am I going mad

LadyMacca Fri 13-May-11 15:30:47

Hello Scissors - My mum died 27th Sept 2010, I am 38 :-). I think of mum and miss her terribly every day!!......nearly 33 weeks ago. I have accepted now that she is not coming back but not having her near or being able to talk to her is so painfull, We spoke every day and saw each other at least twice a week. I know mum would be looking down and hate us being so sad she would want us to carry on living our lives and be happy but that still does not take the pain away. I went to a berevement class at the hospital on Monday, it was the first time we had been back there since mum passed away, that was hard enough in itself. The class was very interesting and explained how people feel through grief and the different stages, everything that everyone is feeling here is so totally normal and common stages of grief which was nice to hear, makes you feel human still and that your not going mad and alone.

I was thinking the other day that through our years of growing up we are tought how to eat, smile, love, cherish, make friends, earn money, drive cars( the list is endless) but noone ever tells us how to deal with the pain of loosing a love one which is why places like this are so comforting and helpfull and make you feel you are not alone and can share it at least with others feeling the same.

Sending you all a big hug xxxxx

zen1980 Sat 14-May-11 00:21:33

Hi everyone! It's now nearly 8 months since my mum was taken from us an I feel as raw now as I did then. You will all probably understandthe pain I am feeling. As well as this I feel that I have become the parent to my dad, my husband tries to help but I feel so lost an alone. I still think that I will just ring an tell her this etc an it's slaps me in the face everytime!
We have recently had a meeting with the hospital who have admitted negligence an by not acting an giving proper treatment my mum died. I'm sure this is playing a big part but I don't know how to get past it. I am an only child so there Is just me to deal with it. I have had some counselling but don't feel I got much from it.
Sorry to rant just feeling very low at the moment an would do anything for a cuddlefrom my mum right about now xx
Love to you all an if course the stars in the sky xxxx

LadyMacca Tue 17-May-11 12:24:15

Ah Zen, BIG hug to you too, such tough times and our mums always gave us a cuddle when we felt sad..... Here is a virtual hug for you to brighten your day xxx :-)

sweethart Tue 28-Jun-11 04:24:08

Its been almost 9 months since we lost mum and the pain is still very raw.Dad just found out he has cancer and its hard to think we may lose him too so soon after mum.He says if it is his time he will be ok about it because he knows mum is waiting for him....I am not sure how much more I can take its so hard to carry on.But I have others who depend on me so I keep moving.

Sexonlegs Tue 28-Jun-11 07:22:30

Sweethart sad

I am so sorry. How cruel life is.

Have they said anything about treatment etc? for your Dad?

My Mum died 6 months ago, and 6 weeks later my dad underwent major back surgery (5 hours-worth). It wasn't life threatening, but I remember saying goodbye to him before they took him to theatre and just bawling as I walked out of the hospital.

I hope you can find some time for yourself. xx

Ness70 Fri 01-Jul-11 01:00:06

Hello I am so sorry sweethart to be going through pain like this again. It's weird because i always look on here and often think of you all. When names come up like yours and sex on legs and lady macca (and many others) I think of all that we were going through together. The loss of my mum, almost 10 months ago (I can't believe it's been that long) is the worst thing I've been through. I wouldn't have thought it possible that I could get through that, but I guess that shows how strong the human can be! I hate it that she's not here. I said yesterday to a friend I miss her every day; some days it's just more unbearable than others. I understand now what people were saying to me back then. It never goes away; you just learn to live with it; some times better than others. Every night I say a prayer (I'm not religious) just to give me some contact with her? I have a 2.5 year old and he keeps me going.... So sorry for all our losses especially those who have just lost their mum or somebody close. It's a terrible time; the only thing I can say is you will cope with it even if at this point you think you can't. If I have, anybody can. Love to you all. Xxxx

Ammanuel Thu 07-Jul-11 19:23:21

Emotionally drained and distraught is the best way to sum up my emotions tbh.

On the 18th of May my dad complained about having serious stomach pains and was rushed to hospital. Turns out he had a perforated bowel which required emergency surgery. Surgery took like 3 hours and they find that most of his big intestine was practically dead so they had to remove a large chunk of it and also that due to an infection in his blood stream, most of his other organs wasn't functioning properly and needed support.
3 days went by where he was making gradual improvement but something again went wrong (heart rate dropped) and we were back to square one. Doctors then say that they see more bowel has been affected in an x-ray and they need to do another surgery. If it's too much then he won't survive. They also tell us that during the time they revived him the second time he suffered damage to the brain. Anyway they do the surgery again and find nothing? i mean wtf.

Miraciously the next day he shows "big improvement", and for the next few days his improvement is staggering. He was talking (altough he was finding it very hard), writing in 2 different languages, he even managed to stand up (with help of the physio). He had no machines supporting any of his organs either and the nurses were planning on moving him away from ICU and into a ward.

This past sunday night his breathing went bad again and we got a call from the nurses telling us so. On Tuesday the doctor tells us that they've done everything possible but he's got absolutly no energy and will most likely pass away. On Wednesday the 1st of June my father passes away. The funeral was on th 8th.

Ammanuel Thu 07-Jul-11 19:23:49

My dad meant absolutly everything to me. We were very close and did a lot of things together so it's going to be very weird. I'm 25 now so i'm happy he got to see me graduate and guided me through a large part of my life but my little brothers only 16 so it's very difficult for him. My parents have been together for 35 years (married for 28) so my mum is finding it especially difficult too.

During the month before he went to hospital he had stomach aches. He went to the doctors on 4 occasions and went to the hospital to get an xray done (and various other tests) but they didn't spot anything. I repeatedly asked him if anythings wrong but he always reassured me that he was ok. Lately he's been telling me how proud he was of me, and how i need to be the man of the house and look after everyone which leads me to believe he knew exactly how serious this stomach pain was.

I'm happy that he knew exactly how much i loved him, i'm happy that he was comfortable and didn't have any pain in hospital (apart from day 3), i'm happy that we got to communicate for the 4 or 5 days he was good, i'm also happy that he was prepared for death should it happen and was "at peace with himself, take care of the kids" exactly what he wrote to my mum in the hospital.

Ripeberry Fri 15-Jul-11 07:33:26

Just found this thread. Mum died in hospital a week ago and they had to do a post mortem but still could not find out what she died of sad
They are giving us an interim death certificate so that we can at least make arrangements and they will have an inquest.
She was a lovely mother but for the last 5yrs or so was just going downhill with Dementia and sometimes she would not know who anyone was and other times she would talk to you normally and give you a call on the phone.

I miss her phonecalls now, even the early morning ones...sad

mariota Thu 22-Dec-11 09:42:12

Hello, i lost my Mum 7 weeks ago. I'm facing my first Christmas without her. I miss her so much. I can't believe she is not here, she was so important, the centre of the family. I feel like a scared little girl without her which is ridiculous as I am a grown woman. I try not to show my feelings but I sometimes can't hide them. I wish none of us ever had to go through this pain. I am so sorry for everyone here I could weep for you all. It gets better apparently, I just feel its getting worse.

gaye Sat 21-Jan-12 00:31:13

Hi, my mum passed away on christmas eve 2011 -my sister and I were with her at 6am. She had been in hospital for 6 weeks following a stroke but it was a shock we were looking for a suitable nursing home for her. I am really struggling; I am a grown woman with children and I keep losing it. I keep remembering things and even going into a shop which I used to go in with mum upsets me. My sis and I are going to have to sort mum's house out but I can't believe she isn't going back there. My dad died 10 years ago and I still get upset and miss him every day. Just don't know what to do and Christmas will never be the same.

Dizzydora71 Sat 21-Jan-12 14:56:27

Hi ruth
i lost my dad on December 2nd 2011.I also wondered how people coped .It feels like life is carrying on but im not if you know what i mean.
Its the rollercoaster of emotions everyday i wondered got any easier.


sweethart Wed 29-Feb-12 17:41:49

I wrote on here when my mum died 16 months ago and again when dad found out he had cancer.And last week as I sat and held his hand as he passed from this life my heart was again breaking.I know all he wanted was to go be with his darling but watching cancer take him was something I wouldnt want anyone to go through.The very next day after he died my baby brother became a daddy for the very first time and as our hearts were breaking from the loss of our dad we found strength to celebrate the little boy born into the world.I will miss both my mum nad dad so much and know they are together watching over us.

MoGO Fri 17-Aug-12 22:05:23

Hi. My mum died 6 years ago today. She was my very best friend and died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I miss her so much - I can't believe how lonely I feel without her,even though I have a great family and some fab friends. If I could have any wish in the world, I would have two minutes more with her, just to tell her what she meant to me. For anyone out there who still has their mum, love her and cherish her every day - no-one will ever replace her once she's gone !

t875 Fri 31-Aug-12 09:42:56

Hi Mogo i know what you mean. I am just wishing i could speak to my mum or hear her voice! I am seriously thinking of seeing pyschic.

How is everyone doing? It has got easier but i try very hard to not think about things in depth as i seriously become to upset at times cant breathe.

I just take her with me now, i know she is there and guiding and sending love and i get the messsages from her too.

Just not looking forward to her birthday in septemeber and even worse christmas. sad

Chris121 Fri 29-Nov-13 20:52:14

Hi everyone I lost my mum in on 8th of January I was 29.suddenly she died on the Tuesday after being just ill from the Monday morning totally unexpected still feel down most of the time after my dad has found some one else few months later she moved in and she jucked me out of the house after a month and dad doesn't seem to care and now moving away and getting married I just can see how this is right as I not over the fact she's not around any more and nr had the chance say goodbye as the time I got to hospital she was hook up to the life lines and they was trying to find what was wrong but too late and took the merchines off and died within 30mins of me getting there.just can't see how these is right and looks like she taken him for a ride just can't get my head round how he could over her so quick as I am no wAy nr rwDy for this

Chris121 Fri 29-Nov-13 21:24:12

Sorry and she was 54

mummylin Fri 29-Nov-13 21:36:02

To the last poster. This is an old thread. If you need support you are welcome to join us on the support thread for anyone who has lost a parent.

Agnesmum Sun 01-Dec-13 18:03:37

I lost my Mum 4 weeks ago, she was my best friend and I have a permanent lump in my throat. So sorry for your loss, it is devastating. I know my Mum would hate me to be so upset so trying to be strong but is its very hard. Thinking of you.

Toval Sat 05-Apr-14 21:23:16

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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