i miss my Mum soooooo much

(118 Posts)
lulu2 Fri 13-Jun-08 00:10:25

My Mum died of breast cancer 4 years ago and yesterday i was busily shopping in sainsburys when i caught a glimpse of a lady and i so thought it was my Mum. It only lasted for a split second and i knew it wasn't her but it has been on my mind ever since.
Has anyone else experienced this? or am i going mad. The weird thing is i wasn't even thinking of her when it happened.
I felt like i couldn't tell dp cos he would think i was losing the plot but i told him this evening as it's been bothering me today.

Tortington Fri 13-Jun-08 00:13:32

my mum died last year

i am sorry for your loss.

ithink its completley normal to be a little fucked up with regards to these things -even if its for a few seconds.

Awww lulu

3 years since I lost my dear Dad - I still see him, a turn of the head, a pair of blue trousers, the back of some gent, and it catches my throat.

You are not going mad, lulu, I feel like our minds are doing a kind of wish-fulfilment thingy smile

I am so sorry for your loss

You too, custy sad

Yes whenever I go back to M'Bro, there are loads of ladies who look exactly the same from the back, makes my heart stop for a second. Also that woman out of eastenders erm Wendy Richards?? is the absolute fecking double of my Mum, I can't look at her.

Actually I think she is a couple of years older than my Mum and concieved in the same place, maybe I should harass her for aunt duties? She is honestly the complete double of my Mum (maybe my grandad was a bit of a shagabout lol)

sykes Fri 13-Jun-08 00:56:02

I miss my mother terribly and see old ladies who make me cry. They remind me of my mother so much and I wish so badly I had loved her more.

mum2taylor Fri 13-Jun-08 10:52:29

My mum died two years ago from a brain tumour and used to love Chanel No5 perfume....I absolutely hated it and now whenever I smell it, it is the most beautiful smell in the world to me!

I still have the some in a bottle that was hers. (((((((((hugs)))))))) for you lulu.

nickytwotimes Fri 13-Jun-08 10:55:41

Sorry to all on this thread who have lost a parent.
I lost my Dad 3 years ago and still 'see' him from time to time. It is completely normal. You are not going mad.

bonkerz Fri 13-Jun-08 10:57:07

my mum died 3 years ago and its so hard. I miss her every day and see her out the corner of my eye too.
On holiday there was a lady who looked like my mum, i found myself staring and smiling all the time at her, she either thought i was rude or mad!!
My DD was born after my mum died (i was 24 weeks pregnant when she passed) and my DD has started to say her name is MAGGIE (my mums name), which it isnt and we dont use my mums name we call her nanny apple!

beeny Fri 13-Jun-08 10:58:41

Lost my mum in early twenties was very very close cant bear not to have her around.Have even said to husband have to soft with our daughter as she doesnt have a mum forgot im her mum.

rey Fri 13-Jun-08 11:00:33

So sorry lulu2 and everyone who has lost a precious parent. I have to keep reminding myself how lucky I was to have a wonderful mum because mine poor mum passed away still so young. For me it finally became easier though I never thought it ever could but I still miss her every single day. Talk to your dp you never know my dh actually shocked me when I opened up by saying he was really worried as I thought I had been hiding it really well. I got a gp appointment and didn't need pills but got help to help me get along. You too may need time just to talk non-stop to someone who can just listen.

ivykaty44 Fri 13-Jun-08 11:00:42

I am sorry for your loss and your not losing the plot, all normal feeling.

My mum died 10 years ago this year and I still miss her, not all the time. Silly really but missing her so much today, most of the time I am fine. My mum wore knowing by estee lader and I love the smell smile makes me smile

I have seen woman in the street and thought........

I try to think of all the lovely times we shared together and this makes me smile through these moments.

geekgirl Fri 13-Jun-08 11:13:05

I'm sorry lulu I'm sure it's a normal thing to go through though.

I lost my mum 6 months ago and sometimes dream that I see her in town - we hug but she says that she has to keep going and looks around at me as she gets 'moved along' with the throng of people

I do find it hard to see other people's mums - particularly those who resemble my mum a bit - skinny women in their 50s with short hair.

lulu2 Fri 13-Jun-08 16:39:47

thanks all, it helps to know i am not completely losing the plot.
I think it is partly wishful thinking but also if there is some physical resemblance like you said geekgirl. My Mum was little, in her 50s with short hair too... there must be more of them around than i thought. lol.
I do feel that i can't talk about how much i miss my Mum to people cos they will feel i should be over her death now as it's 4 years ago.
Has anyone had any bereavement counselling?
I don't want counselling i want my Mum.

Rolf Fri 13-Jun-08 16:48:39

You're perfectly normal, Lulu. My mum died 12 years ago and I still miss her. I had bereavement counselling not long after she died and it was helpful in that it gave me a regular outlet - so I was less likely to dwell on it and go on about it the rest of the time.

mum2taylor Fri 13-Jun-08 16:54:22

Ive not had counselling and dont have any brothers or sisters to confide in and have found it extremely hard....I still dont think i have come to terms with what has happened....it was really sudden as well...she was diagnosed with a brain tumour when and then died four weeks later so I still cant believe she wont be coming back. This little poem sums up my feelings really....

They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane, I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same. But as we are called one by one, the chain will link again

ellceeell Fri 13-Jun-08 17:02:18

It's been 4 years since my mum died and although I cope most of the time, I still occasionally think "I must tell mum that". And I often dream and mum is alive in my dreams - in the present day - so it is a shock when I wake up and remember.
Sympathies to you lulu2

southeastastra Fri 13-Jun-08 17:09:20

my mum died about 9 years ago now, and if i'm really worried about something i find she comes to me in dreams. weird isn't it

geekgirl Fri 13-Jun-08 20:03:37

yes, I had 6 sessions of counselling and it was extremely helpful. Even though dh has always been very supportive, the extra outlet and input made a lot of difference. I got it free on the NHS - only 6 sessions, but TBH that was sufficient.

fruitstick Fri 13-Jun-08 23:05:00

I agree with everyone on here. My Dad died when I was in my early 20s and my mum died 4 years ago. I often dream about them both, especially when I have decisions to make.

When I was on holiday a very kind lady sat my DS1 on her lap so I could eat my dinner in peace. He looked so contented there I burst into tears! The poor woman must have thought I'd gone mad!

Counselling is very useful and you should be able to get a couple of sessions free. They don't cure anything, just help you come to terms with how you are feeling and find ways of dealing with the shitness,

I find myself getting very grumpy whenever my friends' mums move in for a fortnight to help out with the children, especially when they complain about them! I feel terribly bitter and resentful at times but then manage to pull myself together.

I feel better for getting that off my chest!

lulu2 Sat 14-Jun-08 20:23:15

i know what you mean fruitstick.
My dd was 6 months old when my mum died and she was the best granny in the world and i am grieving for the gorgeous relationship she is missing out on.
it gets worse as dd gets older and my mum is not here to see her doing things like being Mary in the nativity or to help me with the costume.
My dad died 7 yrs ago so my friend jokingly calls me an orphan but i suppose its true.

I am not this miserable all the time but feel like i can open up here.

jovigirl Tue 24-Jun-08 09:47:31

My mum died just over 3 years ago and like you I sometimes see someoen who looks so much like her.
I find Mother's day, birthdays etc really hard, I hate walking past all the cards, bought one a couple of years ago and felt a bit foolish blush

hatjam Tue 24-Jun-08 16:50:12

oh dear - my mum died just two weeks ago tomorrow. i feel like i'm going nuts.

toratora Tue 24-Jun-08 16:55:45

So sorry for everyone who has lost a parent. My mum died nearly 4 years ago and I still miss her so much. There are times that only your mum will do. I get so sad when I think about how much she would have loved her granddaughters - she never met dd2 as I was only 7 weeks pregnant when she died. sad

I get really jealous of friends who are close to their mums, especially when their mums stay and help them out. It is really tough and just when I think I am getting somewhere I seem to go backwards again. sad

jellyrolly Tue 24-Jun-08 17:07:57

This is a stage of grieving - when you think you see someone who has died. I think it's the recognition stage. When I lost my mum, I was walking her dog and the dog went nuts jumping and wagging her tail; when I looked she had seen a woman walking away with the exact same hair.

(That sounds even madder, I still do it too.) So hard when you have your own babies and your mum is not there to see them.

I went to a bereavement group, it was very competitive though! Quite useful but I think one to one counselling would be better as it's so personal.

DanJARMouse Tue 24-Jun-08 17:10:26

I have had the same thing Lulu.

I lost my mum almost 4yrs ago now, and a woman I used to work with came up to talk to me last night and I thought in my head "my god she looks a lot like mum, she could be mum"

I just try and keep going as best I can, obviously having my moments.

dharma Thu 17-Jul-08 16:04:54

I lost my mother 18 months ago and I was 5 1/2 months pregnant with my 1st child.
She died suddenly when she was on holiday (luckily in her home country with her sisters), so I never got a chance to say goodbye.
She was my best friend and the whole of last year was terrible, mostly because I never really had time to grieve properly.
I think I am fine, and then the smallest thing just starts me off. I dream about her all the time and luckily I am able to hug her lots in my dreams.

I know it's best for her that she died suddenly, but I still have so much pain.

I wish my son could have met her and known her like I did, as she would have been a great grandmother.

Today, reading this thread, has actually helped - just knowing that there are other people that know what I am going through as you are all going through it too, has helped.

sorry, I am rabbiting on a bit too much.

I am sorry for all your losses. I guess time helps but does not heal completely.

CaptainUnderpants Thu 17-Jul-08 16:19:14

To OP - perfectly normal - I have looked at old ladies and thought that they looked like Mum , yes a split seconf but enough to stop you in your tracks .

I lost my Mum a year ago this weekend , keep breaking down in tears as though it was happening all over again.

One strange thing that happened to me soon after Mum died - I just wanted to know that she was somewhere safe , if you know what I mean . Some months after Mum went I had a dream - she phoned me on the mobile and said ' I'm alright I'Ok ' . Has stuck with me ever since and will never leave me . Gave me alot of comfort , sorry if it sounds strange.

Ledodgy Thu 17-Jul-08 16:20:53

Oh it makes your heart jump when this happens. My mum also died of breast Cancer and it will be ten years in August but this still happens to me.

Ecmo Thu 17-Jul-08 16:22:30

my mum died 16 years ago. I still have days when I start crying because I miss her. She would have been 70 this year.

windygalestoday Thu 17-Jul-08 16:23:40

im 33 and i lost my mum 22 years ago i dont think it ever gets any easier you just learn to live with it .

artichokes Thu 17-Jul-08 16:23:45

Lulu - I also lost my mum to breast cancer exactly four years ago. Like you I gt moments when I think I see or hear her. You are not going mad, it is very normal, as are very vivid dreams. Sadly I often dream I am letting my Mum down while she is ill. I never know why I dream this as it is not what happened at all. It bothers me for days afterwards.

Somedays my DD really looks like my Mum and that partly makes me very happy but is also a bit hard as she serves as a constant reminder. She is named after my mother too.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone or weird.

windygalestoday Thu 17-Jul-08 16:26:07

CaptainUnderpants on Thu 17-Jul-08 16:19:14
To OP - perfectly normal - I have looked at old ladies and thought that they looked like Mum , yes a split seconf but enough to stop you in your tracks .

I lost my Mum a year ago this weekend , keep breaking down in tears as though it was happening all over again.

One strange thing that happened to me soon after Mum died - I just wanted to know that she was somewhere safe , if you know what I mean . Some months after Mum went I had a dream - she phoned me on the mobile and said ' I'm alright I'Ok ' . Has stuck with me ever since and will never leave me . Gave me alot of comfort , sorry if it sounds strange.

captain underpants this will sound daft but did that dream seem much clearer and brighter than any dreams youd had before?

i had v strange experience similar to that and its called an angel dream it was so vivid i cried in my dream and in real life - my drem was not about my own mum but my mil but it answered such a lot of questions.

CaptainUnderpants Thu 17-Jul-08 16:42:18

It was quite a clear dream - whatever it was I got alot of comfort from it .

When Mum passed away just desparately wanted to know where she was and if she was safe . I can see why pople get drawn to mediums etc , yet I beleive it is advised not to do so for at least 6 months after a bereavemnet.

I had a tarot card reading about 9 months after - nothing was mentioned of my Mum whcih I thought was strange.

windygalestoday Thu 17-Jul-08 16:56:13

captain underpants as i say my dream was bout my mil and there was things and that dream that made sense to the people who knew her even tho they didnt to me.....now remember this is a dream im not a psycho,,,,, i said to her wheres my mum? why are u here not her??
and she repled with something so honest it ind of settled my mind and made true sense ......

dont think im wacko

she said i can come to you becuse you dont grieve for me, now missing me is ok but whilst you long for me to be back with you i cant visit you,thats why i cant come to xxxx(my dh -her son) but by talking to you you can help him move on.....but where is my mum? i asked again - she cant come to you because you are still grieving for her your love for her is stuck at an 11 year olds love(the age i was when i lost her) for you to see her again you would need her like a little girl and you arent a little girl anymore.

and it kind made sense i cant in my mind picture having an adult relationship with her.

lilyloo Thu 17-Jul-08 16:59:09

so sorry lulu i have had this happen to me too i lost my mum 7 years ago at 45 of cancer and i hate that she never knew my dc's and it has pretty much divided my family too sad
It's hard and never goes away!

tracyb66 Thu 14-Aug-08 21:26:41

my mum died in january this year, she was 60 years old. it was so sudden, an aneurism. she was not only my mum but my best friend.
my dads devastated, as all the family are.
its been nearly 7 months now and i still cannot get over the fact shes gone. i cry everyday for her. i'd give anything for just one more day with her. so depressed, miss her so much it hurts.
thinking of going to see a medium, we always used to watch colin fry and john edwards.
just need to know shes ok and still around.
the only things keeping me going are my hubby and kids does anyone think id be doing the right thing?


Turniphead1 Thu 14-Aug-08 21:44:20

Lulu and Arti - I also lost my Mum to breast cancer 4 years ago this December. I miss her everyday (esp when I am pg and weepy as I am just now, lol). I dream about her a lot and then wake up and just wish it had been real. She met and adored my eldest DD - and that year they had together was wonderful, but just so short. It kills me that she never met my DS (2) and I know she would adore him!!

It's not at all odd what you experienced, and I doubt your DP would think you odd. All sorts of things remind us of people we have lost I guess. About a year after my Mum died my sister was in a meeting with a woman who had exactly the same hands as my Mum. She spent the whole time staring at the Hands Double and wanted to tell her but thought (rightly in this case!) that the lady would think she was nuts.

So hugs to you and all on this thread who have lost their Mums.

(having good old weep now...)

redandyellowstripes Mon 18-Aug-08 21:35:08

You poor darling...totally normal experience. My mother died ten years ago in November and I still have moments where it takes my breath away....having said that, it does get better and the sense of loss is not all encompassing anymore....hang in there xx

Missytrouble Tue 19-Aug-08 21:58:01

tracyb66, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum just over a year ago. I went to see a medium and she gave me so much comfort. My mum and dad came through and other friends and relatives. It was lovely to know that they are well and healthy. I know that sounds weird and a lot of people are very sceptical but she told me things via mum that she couldn't possibly have known.

Have you had someone recommended to you? This might be better than going to a group meeting as you will have a longer reading on a one to one basis. Plus it will be more private, you will probably get upset as it is still very fresh.

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit, but hope this helps.

Vev Thu 21-Aug-08 13:00:02

I lost my gran 23 years ago - not a day goes by when I don't miss her.

Windygales - that dream's amazing. It's things like that what give people faith.

fizzbuzz Thu 21-Aug-08 13:19:07

Oh this is normal....sad

My mum died 2 years ago. I still see people i think are actually her sometimes ( I even followed one once just to make sure sad

Was driving home from work a month or so ago, and thought I'll just pop and see her..........

Don't know that you ever take it in completely. sorry for the loss of your lovely mum and everyone elses on here. mum's are irreplaceable sad

norksinmywaistband Thu 21-Aug-08 13:23:17

I lost my mum 17 years ago.
I really miss her.
Sometimes I catch a whiff of someone wearing her perfume and start crying - luckily not many people wear it these days

BouncingTurtle Thu 21-Aug-08 13:34:43

I lost my nan about 11 years ago, who I was very close too, and for 3-4 years afterwards, I used to think I saw her walking about sad
I don't think you are losing the plot, I think it is a natural part of grief.

georgiemum Thu 21-Aug-08 13:50:40

Absolutely normal. I still do this with both my parents (7 + 1 year gone respectively). It catches you unawares then you find yourself standing in the middle of the street crying 'I just want my dad!' (I have done this). It can be a smell (I have heard that smell is the best thing to trigger memory), favourite song, advert on the tv, catching a glimpse of someone out of the corner of your eye who looks like them, a memory that just jumps from nowhere or something that your kids say ("she looks like grandma!!!").

I still get the urge to call my mum. Yes, it gets better over time but I do believe that a little bit of you dies when a parent dies -but the important thing is that you don't let despair or anger (or even jealousy) take its place. I think about them every day and have managed recently to put up some old photos (god, I even talk to them sometimes!).

My friend lost her father at 8 and her mother at 28. Now that's tough... Every time I start the 'no-one should be an orphan at 38' rant, I remember her and how hard it was for her.

Fauve Thu 21-Aug-08 14:48:54

Mum2taylor, that poem made me cry - I'll have to print it out. Hatjam, hope you're OK. Two weeks is no time at all, you're expected to be in a state.

fizzbuzz Thu 21-Aug-08 20:26:17

Can I ask a question on here, as no one ever seems to talk about grief or dying in RL?

I still feel a sense of bewilderment, like where has she gone.... All the time, I think whee is she, and feel so puzzled by it.

Does anyone else get this?

PerkinWarbeck Thu 21-Aug-08 20:29:17

norksinmywaitband, the perfume thing sets me off too (10 years on).

took me a good few years to be able to go anywhere near a card shop around mothers' day either

<manly pat to all>

lulu2 Wed 27-Aug-08 16:44:55

i am so glad i am not the only one. I am normal....yippee.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost your mums.
my dd is staring school next week, another milestone without my Mum. I think i grieve for the relationship my dd will never have with her Granny.
thanks all.

mum2taylor Wed 27-Aug-08 16:56:52

hi lulu...ur mum will be so proud of your dd! My dd starts school next year and I dread going through those emotions sad It was my birthday yesterday and I just cant enjoy it anymore now I dont have my mum here. Dont know what id do without my dp and dd smile

lulu2 Thu 28-Aug-08 15:01:14

Thanks mum2taylor. I know how you feel about birthdays, my Mum loved christmas and now i dread it cos she won't be here.
I want to be able to ring her up and tell her all about dd starting school in the same way i did when dd had her first spoonful of solids. It sucks.
My dp is great too.

mum2taylor Thu 28-Aug-08 16:47:06

know what you mean...I would love to have another baby, but I dont know if I could cope with being back in the maternity ward and knowing that she's not coming to visit me there! One of the most exciting parts of having my daughter was seeing my mum's proud face when she first saw her...not having that would kill me. Its just good to know other people have similar thoughts and feelings....for me right now I just have so much anger!!! I dreamt the other night that she had gone missing and then turned up again and I was shouting at her for not telling me where she'd gone....they should have designated places where we can all go and have a good scream/cry!!! wink

maltloafeater Thu 28-Aug-08 17:01:45

My mun died 8 years ago. As I get older every so often I look in the mirror and see her looking back at me. No one else ever says I look like her. Funny how we see different things in faces. DD however is the image of me and like looking at myself 30 years ago. A sure sign that those we love live on with us and make us what we are.

lulu2 Thu 28-Aug-08 18:23:42

i know what you mean, sometimes when i laugh i sound just like my Mum when she laughed.

sophus Mon 01-Sep-08 21:35:49

my mum died nearly a year ago when my DS was 5 weeks old. I wasn't able to grieve at the time, too caught up in nappies etc. When the force of it really hit me i nearly went mad with the grief. I spend a lot of time imagining what she would say when i tell her things. Every milestone or cute thing DS does makes me laugh and cry at the same time because he fills me with joy, but i can't share it with her.

I still remember when i sent her a copy of my 14 week scan. I was still amazed that it wasn't obvious that it was a baby in the picture.

Mum rather drily said "It looks like a picture of the night sky....but it's the most beautiful night sky ever".

Lilyloo Mon 01-Sep-08 21:43:47

Just saw this thread again and saw my last post in July!
Still feel as if i will never get over it and still wish she was here every day!

lulu2 Fri 05-Sep-08 13:45:16

My dd started school this week and i know that my Mum would have been so proud. I miss being able to tell her all dd has done at school. It sucks...
sophus what your Mum said about your ds's scan picture was lovely.

janestillhere Fri 05-Sep-08 13:56:51

My mum died April this year. I still often think 'Oh I must tell mum that...' Its absolutely gutting.
So sad for all of us. You don't realise how its going to feel until it happens to you.
sad sad

fizzbuzz Fri 05-Sep-08 14:04:54

I thought I saw my mum today. Saw the back of a women in the shop, and swore it was her.
Waited a couple of minutes just to make sure hmm, and when she turned round I was gutted and angry that it wasn't her.

Ds (14) got his fantastic SATs results this week...just desperately wanted to share it with my mum. Proud and upset at the same time sad

lulu2 Sat 06-Sep-08 16:49:08

feel for you fizzbuzz, it made me feel really weird when it happened to me. Like you i felt angry that it wasn't my mum.
Strange the tricks your mind can play.

yumyum65 Sun 22-Mar-09 19:03:36

My Mum died almost 7 years ago and i still miss her everyday. When anything good or bad happens the first person i think about telling is mum and then realise i can't. Being Mothers day today i just want to tell her i love her and miss her so much.

never4getartisticoutlet Sun 06-Dec-09 21:11:54

I totally understand what your all going through, and i'm so sorry for your losses. My mum died 9 years ago today, I can't believe it's been so long I miss her so much still and i can't comprehend how these years have gone by. I was 11 when my mum died of breast cancer at 37, she was the most lovely inspiring beatiful person i have ever known, now i am 20 and i miss her more than ever. I hate the fact that she won't be here for my 21st birthday or to see when i get married and have children of my own. I have spent so many years just trying to cope and be "normal", and to help my family get through. Now i am on my own at uni, trying to achieve my dreams as a fashion designer. And everyday it is a struggle, i just wish she was here at the end of the phone or for a hug. I worry that she wouldn't be proud of me, that i am not what she hoped for me to be. I think it must normal to see someone you have lost in other people or think you catch a glimse of them when your going about normal life, this has happened to me too so many times. I used to dream of her sat in the kitchen and i saw her through the window from the garden smiling at me, and ran inside to find she was gone. I find it so hard to see young women who look like her when i have to take a second glance, or who have the same name, sometimes i find it so hard to be at friends houses with their mums who are so lovely, and they totally don't appreciate. It makes me so sad. But its so hard because i can't talk to anyone about how i feel because its been so long and i know they think i should be over it by now. I don't get on with my dad at all, and my brother tried to kill himself last year, i know he is hurting with everything too, but i don't know what to say to him. I think i only started to register that my mum was really gone and not just hope she was coming back from a very long holiday a couple of years ago when i was 18 and left home, now i am going through the greieving process so late and at the wrong time, because I'm trying to work out who i am. I'm sorry to ramble on so much, i just hope some of you understand what i am saying. I also found a lump in my breast recently and it has brought back all the anger and saddness as it was 8 years too late when they discovered my mums cancer at 34, and the doctors turned me away from having screening as i am "too young". I just miss her so much, i know that if she were here things would be so much easier and my whole family would'nt have fallen apart.

marymay Sat 12-Dec-09 23:58:29

My lovely mum died suddenly two weeks ago.she hadnt been ill but died of a accute asthma attack she had never been told she had asthma.My heart is broken i miss her so much .i spoke to her ever day and she was the one person that really listened to all the boring stuff i had to say.
i cant face christmas but know i have to for the sake of the kids.
its my birthday next week and she would be the first person to phone me and wish me happy birthday.
i keep thinking its all a bad dream and she will walk in the door.i want to screem at everyone thats happy .

salvolatile Sun 13-Dec-09 21:10:08

Marymay I am so sad for you I was where you are in June - there is another thread for those of us who have recently lost our mums - I am no good at links but is called "for lilred etc etc" on bereavement hope you can find it

marymay Mon 14-Dec-09 10:06:19

Thank you salvolatile..Im really sorry for your loss to i cant find the thread.But will keep looking as its nice to speak to people that understand how you feel.take care x

salvolatile Mon 14-Dec-09 21:55:42

Sorry darling, it says Nancy, Twoshoes, Squonk, Sidge...come over here and its down the bereavement threads a bit

christiana Mon 14-Dec-09 22:02:13

Message withdrawn

Chrissy123 Wed 23-Dec-09 17:36:56

Dear Mum

I miss you, more than anything and wish I could have you back, even if it was for a few minutes.
some days I dont think about you, and then I feel bad, like im forgetting you. other days I cry, but then I feel like im just feeling sorry for myself.
Most of the time I really resent dad, and wish he would care more about me, and wish it was him instead of you...but that makes me a bad person. I cant actually believe your gone and dont want to think about it, because I just feel so alone. I wish we could have had more time together, so I could have more memories.
I wish you would come into my dreams more often, so I could feel close to you...even if it is in my head.
I love you mum, so so much and cant wait to see you again.

SimpleAsABC Wed 23-Dec-09 17:41:06

Sorry for all of your loses.

I was in Lidl today and saw Pannetone, a cake thing my papa always bought my Dad every year. Which usually lay in the kitchen on top of the cupboard for months because he bought them sooo early and it was a sort of Christmassy thing.

I nearly cried there and then in the aisle.

Papa died about three months ago and it's still pretty raw.

Bought my Dad the Pannetone though, he was chuffed!

Shellbear Fri 12-Feb-10 07:08:47

First off I’m new here, I’m an aussie not a brit and I’m not a mum, but I do want to give you my story if you’re willing to listen...

My mum died around 10 years ago, I'm 37 now, and I miss her soo much sometimes I truly wish I could join her in the afterlife... if there is one that is. Of course there's a depressing reason why my grief over her death’s still this painfully raw and sensitive; I'm a transwoman and the last time I saw my mum I would have been around 17, not long after I started transition... that was more than 20 years ago now. Sadly the way I went about my transition didn't help matters too; and she could also never understand why I had to make these changes, but whatever the cause over the years the estrangement between us grew soo wide that it became like an unbridgeable gulf. Oh there were the occasional phone calls, letters and cards; but contact between us was always horribly strained, and when she passed away I wasn't there to be with her in her last days and moments.

The sad thing is; is that all I ever wanted was for her to know that I still loved her, and for her to accept me as the woman I am. And believe you me as a young transitioner if you don’t have full parental support there are soo many things that can go terribly terribly wrong, as in my case. So my advice to any mum who thinks she has a child with Gender Dysphoria, now called Gender Identity Disorder (or GID for short) is to accept them for who they are; to not reject them or try to suppress their true natures, but to seek immediate help from a qualified, professional and most importantly sympathetic gender therapist who should be able to give you an honest diagnosis and proper support.

Thanks for hearing me out...

imageair Sun 28-Feb-10 23:06:23

I lost my mum just short of 5 years now and I miss her loads, I do feel bad that I don't go to the grave but I dont see her as if she is there
I just feel her in my hart & mind but some times I do smell her perfume in one spot in my home at times and I allways say helo mum.
When I put my son to bed I do ask my mum to look after him every since the day we was blessed with him but I can't seem to move on at all since the day she passed. & and when my wife is at work some times I look at this one pic I have of her with my dad and I cry wishing she was here If only for 10mins so I could tell her how much I love her and miss her and stand with her so she can tell me what she thinks of her grandson....

BoroughBoy Sat 18-Sep-10 14:36:03

My mum died 3 months ago, I miss her so much. I'm really struggling without her and I'm a happily married male with a wonderful wife and 3 kids! I miss being able to talk to her in confidence and her wealth of experience of life. Not sure what to do now, I'm sure my wife is getting fed up with my moods and downers. What can I do. I can't bring mum back. I wouldn't really want to, she'll be happy in heaven now. Miss you so much mum.

Oneandnomore Sat 18-Sep-10 21:42:46

So sorry for your loss BoroughBoy. 3 months is no time at all. You need time to adjust to this.

Take comfort in that your mum will be happy in heaven, thinking this will help you in the time to come.

A friend of mine said that grief is like a radio, you tune in and out of it. Some days it is all you can think about, and other days it will be in the background. With time, there will be more 'background' days.

Talk to your wife, let her help you to grieve. Please don't shut off from her.

Take care.

choclab Sun 19-Sep-10 08:26:40

7weeks and 4 days since i lost my lovely mum sad

i still cant believe shes gone and finding impossible to come to terms with ....i keep running over all the recent events and how at the time all was going in slow motion and knew very little , now peacing it all together like a jigsaw i can see clearly now how my poor mum suffered in silence telling no one and carrying on ...till was for late for help ....

many questions i want answers to ...but dont know when to ask ....

so sad ..an ache i feel will never go ...

sorry to everyone on here who has lost a loved one x

thomas2 Thu 30-Sep-10 11:27:24

I wonder if someone could give me some feed back please, I would be so grateful ?
I lost my lovely mum suddenly 12 years ago when I was 49 years old, and still haven't come to terms with her loss and miss her soo much.
I know I could have done loads more for my mum and been more loving at times. At times I know I was very selfish and feel very guilty about this. And now its all too late........

I just read a Quote/Saying, it said " A person dies when they no longer want to live"
This has disturbed me so much.

Please could anyone interpret this saying ?.
I do feel bereft

marcusdartus Wed 06-Oct-10 01:04:23

I know i might come across as a wuss, i am 50 years old and my mum died from infazima 5 years ago. although i have a wonderful wife and 4 wonderful kids my life seems to have fallen apart. i can't go a day without a tear for my mum, i miss her as a friend and a confidante, i am now on anti depressants and life just seems so pointless, i find myself parking outside her old house and just looking in the window hoping she will wave out at me just like she used to. if im not careful i will get arrested. You don't realise until it is too late that when your mum goes you lose the one person in the world that loves you unconditionally no matter how good or bad a person you are. For me most of all i miss going home at xmas to my mums front room all warm festive and welcoming and her new year stew, she would say to my wife '' you r so lucky to have him as a husband'' I say now, I was lucky to have you as a mum.

BCBG Fri 08-Oct-10 22:03:30

marcusdartus - just saw your sad post and couldn't ignore it: I lost my mum 16 months ago and today I found myself cuddling her handbag so that I could pretend - just for a minute - that she had put it down and gone into the next room....sad - I think it is even harder to show grief as a ma. If you are on tablets I guess that means you have stared getting help but I cannot recommend highly enough undergoing counselling for depression as well. I do hope you feel less alone soon

itsnotmorningyet Sat 09-Oct-10 00:12:30

I lost my mum 17years ago ( I was 16) to suicide. I've stopped thinking that I see her when I am out & about, tho it took a long time. Any brunette I saw I was convinced it was her! But if anything (good/bad/mundane) happens my first thought is to tell her. I know I need counselling for this. Its so hard. My sympathies go to anyone who has lost a loved one sad

IslaSmila Fri 15-Oct-10 19:21:25

I lost my lovely mum three years ago today. I feel like my head is busting with mixed emotions. Most that I can't share my baby girl with her. She loved babies so much and would've been so brilliant and supportive. I split up with my daughter's dad when she was 9 months old and am on my own. My father has never been around. There is no one like your mum, although some unfortunately don't always have supportive loving mums. I guess i'm very lucky to have had such a mum until I was 32. Life feels much harder in the sense that I feel alone and part of my identity is gone. But then now that I'm a mum I gain strength from that knowing that I can give my little girl security and love and warmth. Thats a beautiful gift. She's a little miracle of happiness to me every day! I don't know if it ever gets easier, but i've learnt to live life to the full without worrying too much i'll go early too. That scares me more than anything. Leaving my little girl alone. xx

anastasia74 Sat 16-Oct-10 17:23:58

I lost my dear father a year last july. It really cuts me up when i see other chaps that remind me of him - someone of similar age, build, looks etc to him. I was at the gym in other day in the pool when I had such a thing happen.

My dad said when he got over his heart bypass op. he would be going regularly with me. I was so looking forward to spending some time with him there and this nice chap started smiling and then chatting to me - I had to get out as I found it far too close to home of what might have been and it really touched me. Even now after all theses months.

I feel and send hugs for everyone on this thread who know what its like.

blackberri Wed 03-Nov-10 20:19:02

I lost my mum a few months ago. Although we had not fallen out we had become a little distant from each other as I was so busy but there was a solid mutual love there. She died suddenly - no warning. I had no chance to say goodbye or tell her how much I loved her. It hurts so much. Can't believe I will never see here again - which is probably why I sometimes think that I have seen her as others have mentioned. You know that it can't be her but just for a nanosecond...

ineedher Fri 14-Jan-11 00:09:11

im extremely sorry for all your losses, everyone...may God give you all patience. I am a muslim and very strong in my faith..believe in Allah(swt) and i know he is here for me whenever i need him. although this page is about the loss of parent(s)...however i have not lost my parents luckily.i live with out my mum and feel as empty as if she wasnt in this world. i miss her so much..i am crying so hard right now...nobody understands me.. i am without her. i was separated from her at the age of 6 and now i am 17 years old. im at college at the moment and in london. my brother was 5 when he was separated from her. basically we live with my dad and step mum...my step mum has taken good care of us however i feel empty without my mum...when me and bro went to see her after 2 years and when we came back again, i would wake up early every morning crying crying crying crying...and cry myself to sleep yet my dad and step mum no 1 knew this. i would just cry and cry and crry :'( :'( and you know what people i am crying ryt now my heart is about to burst. we got separated from her by personal reasons which i dont want to go in depth about..my mum is in a diffferent country to me ..i live mountains and seas away from her..:'( sometimes circumstances at home arent so good either. i just really want my mum..im loosing on soo much love. i havent had the motherly love other children get in their childhood. please someone helppp meee i just need her soo badly and if anone helpful is available here..that can help me, to them i will explain my life in depth and they will find it interesting and extremely hard breaking..

people i sleep every night crying because i miss my mum just tooo much. :'( tonight i decided people need to know how im feeling and this has helped abit coz i dnt talk to anyone about this i have no one except Allah to talk to ..but i think i need some one physically...

my email is n.alam123@live.co.uk email me if you can help me..
thanks in advance...

KittyFoyle Fri 14-Jan-11 00:13:49

My Dad died 15 years ago and I still think I see him from time to time. Still is reopening the original wound each time I realise it can't be him. Was on a train with a man who looked SO like my Dad when he was young and couldn't take my eyes off him. He must have thought I was insane. I nearly followed him to see if he really was Dad. That was only last year. And have lost my Mum too - when I see my reflection in a darkened window - I AM her. Very weird. You;re not nuts. Talk to your DH. It's normal. You love your mum and death doesn't end that.

KittyFoyle Fri 14-Jan-11 00:17:15

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things

by Mary Oliver

This comforts me. We are all, living and dead, part of the family of things. Be kind to yourself and take your mum's love with you. X

hogshead Fri 14-Jan-11 00:28:57

My mum died just over three years ago and I totally get where you are coming from. My mum died 2 months before I got married (we brought the date forward) and I miss her every day.

Personally I don't think you ever get over losing a parent that you are close to but somehow you just learn to live with it - as much as I didn't want it to at the time life does carry on. Our memories keep us close to those that we love. (very un-mn type hugs)

misslesleyanne Wed 09-Feb-11 21:52:35

Hi everyone,

Im really struggling with my mums death.
She literally dropped dead 7 months ago whilst on holiday on the other side of the world. things have gone from bad to worse with my dads alcohol problems spiriling outa control and in the last few weeks, ive split with ex, moved house and feel totally lost.

does anyone else know how this feels?

flossyclayton Fri 18-Feb-11 01:50:33

I do understand exactly. I am so so sorry for your loss. My mum died 6months ago. I managed to spend her last week with her but I was in america working. she died of a brian tumour and it was very quick (about 2 months). my life is upside down and inside out and I miss her terribly. I keep thinking this isnt getting or feeling easier but it will take soooo much time. they are our mums... there is nothing more special. it also highlights everything else that is wrong with a family.... relationships... problems and especially is she held them together. I miss mu mum every second. its still such a shock. we just have to breath and realise that we are coping as best we can... we are breathing. I split with my ex around the same time and am moving.... its so exhausting I know but these are things that keep us preoccupied I guess. it feels so weird coz everyone has moved on... the world is still turning and everyone is going about there normal lives. I want everyone to stop and see its not the same. but you know it will happen to everyone and has happened to so many and there are people who know how you feel. I do and I am so sorry for you... truly. I would like to hear about your mum if you want to talk. big hug x

flossyclayton Fri 18-Feb-11 01:53:43

I am so sorry

Milliemooxo Thu 17-Mar-11 12:06:00

My mum died 15 months ago when I was 19. I think about her every single day and I miss her soo much. I've cried every night for the past week I just wish she was still alive. She knew me better than I know myself and I just need a chat with her sometimes as she always knew what I should do and would always help me. It upsets me so much that she will never meet my children when I have them and wont ever know my husband or be at my wedding or graduation. I miss her and love her loads xxxx

ohfuschia Thu 17-Mar-11 12:27:56

I'm sorry you've lost your Mum, Millie, and so young. Mine is never far from my thoughts and I'm especially missing her today too (she died in March 09) - she was Irish and St Patrick's Day was always special. It really hurts doesn't it? Thinking of you x

rednose1984 Fri 18-Mar-11 21:28:39

lost my mum a week ago.Today I drove past a sign about Mother's Day and lost it completely. Have already lost my dad but the pain I am feeling about mum is so much greater. Can fully understand your feelings op,

TimeForCake Mon 21-Mar-11 10:49:10

Lulu this has happened to me too. In a supermarket, as I was packing my shopping, I realised that the cashier reminded me of mum, who we lost 2years ago. It was all I could do to get anything in the bags at all and pay before getting outside and sobbing. sad Like you, I hadn't been thinking of her at that time either. Really caught me by surprise. Didn't tell DH either for same reason you nearly didn't.
Like others have said, I dream about mum too, especially if stressed or have a decision to make. As desperately sad as it is, she knew how much we loved her and vice versa so no regrets at least. If she loved us as much as I adore DS (born since we lost her)then we were all very lucky. She would have been the best granny sad but DS will know all about her and he shares her genes at least.

Hug to everyone who is hurting x

ohboob Mon 21-Mar-11 18:27:44

ineedher So sorry to hear about your situation. If you are still around, can you repost what you wrote here on chat or relationships - you might get a bigger response. I wish you luck with getting in contact with her.

rl1990 Tue 22-Mar-11 01:37:08

I lost my mum when i was 13, she died of cancer and im now 20, it hurts more now then it did then...im always wishing so bad that i could just hug her or speak to her for one last time. I don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it either not evan family i just feel trapped in this hurt its horrible...i have good days and bad days like anyone but nighttimes the worse, she seems to always pop into my mind and i will snap at anyone im talking to because i feel like there ignorant to what im going thru evan tho its not there fault at all.

poppy7272 Fri 01-Apr-11 01:16:49

I lost my mum almost 5 months ago and its still so difficult. I still think about her every moment of the day and just feel so overcome with sadness. I can't imagine ever feeling happy again. She was the most lovable and wonderful mum and I really can't explain how much she meant to me, I just loved her so so much. I really hope this gets easier, I'm lucky I have a lovely boyfriend and friends so I have to live and stay positive but its so tough.
My love goes out to everyone who has lost their mum on Sunday.

I love you so much mum xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sexonlegs Fri 01-Apr-11 11:36:18

So sorry to all of us going through this.

It has been 3 months now since my Mum died, and last night I cried myself to sleep. I am finding it tougher as time goes on. I guess there will be a plateau and then hopefully things will feel better.

It isn't helped of course by Mothers Day on the horizon It would also have been Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary, so Dad and I are both feeling very melancholy.

I am really snappy with the dd's and just cannot be bothered to do anything. Feel shattered.

Sorry for ramble, and thoughts to everyone missing their Mum. x

Peepeegav Thu 21-Apr-11 23:52:17

My mum died on friday the 13th of june 2003. 38 years of age. Mother of 6 and the best mum ever!!

And even after all this time i see a car like my mum used to drive and for a moment i think "oh theres my mum" and then it hits me and i remember, she isn't here anymore. I see people all the time who look like my mum and again i think it is her even for a moment. It doesn't seem that time helps things. 8 years later and all this still happens.

I get all excited for some reason, and then when i realise its not her car or not her and then my heart falls deep into my stomach and then i feel empty inside and nothing makes the pain in my stomach go away.

I have since had 2 kids with my fiancee and we're expecting our 3rd in september and my mother never even got to meet any of them. I look at my daughter and everyday i see a little of my mum in her eyes. We named our daughter with my mums name as her middle name and i feel its the only thing i could do.

Some people say it gets easier all the time. I don't see how. The longer it is the more i miss her.

I know for a fact, if i had the slightest chance to see my mother again i would. I find it hard to picture my mum now, the only image i have of my mum was the image of her lying out the back garden with blue lips, lifeless. I just wish i could remember what she looked like without that picture keep crawling into my head.

I'm 27 now, and i just feel like a big baby as i feel every day i seem to cry at least once. I wish there was a pill that could make you a braver man and i'd take loads every day.

Its quite nasty to feel like this but its how i feel. Easter is coming up, my fiancee's mother buys our kids easter eggs and all i can think about is my mum woulda done that, my mum would do everything for her grand kids. My mother never had a chance to have any grand kids and its a shame as she adored kids, she had 6 of her own her youngest being 3 weeks old exactly the day she died. and she was only 38 years old.

Sorry for going on i just don't feel after losing my mum that i have anyone else to talk to, not the way a son needs to anyway.


popiz Sun 22-May-11 00:09:16

my mummy's gone too.......

She stopped breathing on september 12th last year at midday but i remember the sun was shining.

I miss her soo much everyday i cry in the car on the way to work and on the way home. When i hear music on the radio she liked or sad songs it just hurts so much. When I am in the garden i get so sad as she would help me with my plants and flowers but now she is gone.

I have a little boy Charlie, luckily she was there for his first few months but his first christmas and birthday was so painfull without her. He is doing so much now and I just want to show him to her and tell her all my news.

I do not believe I will ever get over this and I believe that the only way I am going to get through this is to try to believe that one day I might just see her again when I pass.

I miss you mummy so much. Keep safe x

Milliemooxo Wed 25-May-11 16:50:25

just reading this thread makes me cry so much sad

donna67honey Wed 25-May-11 20:26:27

I lost my mum who was aged 57 on boxing day 2005 having committed suicide off a cliff after a bout of depression, my daughter was 6 at the time (now 12) and i was 7 months pregnant with my son who is now 6. I still feel very bewildered as though im not the same person anymore and somethings missing. I feel guilty wishing i had done a lot more to help her and maybe she wud still be here, my dad worked full time and i used to get phone calls saying your mam has gone missing off the hospital grounds or she has taken an overdose and id be in hysterics. she came out of hospital for christmas day as she wanted to cook a family dinner and give out presents that day she was happy and singing along to the xmas top of the pops and we all thought she was getting better until the next day when she took her own life. cudnt understand and still dont. I often see a woman who looks a double of my mam everything is the same and sometimes feel like hugging her,and cant stop staring at her and suddenly feel happy for a minute or two strange i know. well and truly missed x

Smilewhenyoucan Thu 28-Jul-11 22:09:45

Hi Tracy
Sorry to hear about your Mum, I can honestly say I know how you feel as my Mum was just 60 when she died, also with an anyeurism. It was the most shocking and tragic thing that could have happened, never getting to say Goodbye.
I am considering seeing a Medium, so I hope you decide to go and get a message. It has been 3 years this month since Mum passed and I am only just ready to consider it.
I am sure your Mum is around you and OK, I am convinced mine has made noises around the house and little signs here and there.
Love to you and yours.

Anapit Wed 03-Aug-11 14:28:11

My mum died of cancer several months ago. I am lost and sad and STUCK on areas of my life I know need changing.

Vixen122 Tue 22-Nov-11 16:36:29

I just don't know what to do........................
My mum and I never had a close relationship. As a youngster/teenager, I was pretty much the outsider of the family. My sister was always close to my mum but I just didn't want to be like that. I suppose in I was trying to be completely different to them.
I spent most of my time trying to please my dad but he was a bit of a bully to us all. Him and my sister never got on.
This time a 2 years ago, my mum became unwell and was off work. This was nothing unusual as she was usually complaining of being unwell.
As Christmas approached she was no better and by January she was being sick quite often. Eventually my dad forced her to go to the doctor and she was taken into hospital for some tests.
My sister and I made the usual comments to each about our mother being a hypercondriac.
A few days passed and the results came back as Advanced Bowel Cancer.
At that point I realised what a horrible person I had been to her all my life.
We were told that with treatment she would have at least 9 months but without, then it would be much less.
I spent every moment I could with her but how do you put right 37 years?
I made sure she had everything she needed, I stayed with her when they did a liver biopsy as she was refusing to have it.
She was in hospital for around 2 weeks and was then allowed to come home before the treatment started.
At home she pretty much just gave up. My dad was looking after her but it was too much for them both.
On the day she was due to go for her first bout of treatment the consultant took one look at her and admitted her as he said she was very dehydrated.
She was in an awful state. I sent my sister and dad a home and then stayed with her again and calmed her down.
She stayed in hospital and after a blood transfusion she seemed not too bad.
She was still too weak to have the treatment though.
She came home again but it was just too much for her so she was taken to the local hospice.
They were fantastic and looked after her really well.
They allowed me to visit her as often as I liked and I would take her in MacDonalds Thickshakes which she would devour.
We had many conversations just the two of us and we said lots of things to each other that we had never said before.
My sons would come in and see her too and my eldest who was almost 12 was fantastic with her.
She had been in the hospice for 2 weeks when my dad called me at work to say that she was not having a good day and it might be best if I go and see her now. My dad could be a bit dramatic at times so I did as I was told and made my way there, informing my sister on the way.
When I got there she looked awful, she was telling the nurses to tell me but I couldn't understand what was going on.
She was grey and was on oxygen.
I asked if I could speak with one of the doctors privately and was eventually ushered into a room.
The truth was, her organs were giving up and the chances were that she would not make it through the night.
I asked if maybe she would be the extreme and just recover but they said that it would be highly unlikely.
On going back into the ward my sister and dad were looking very edgy.
They both know what was going on and when we spoke it turned out that they did not want to be there with her at the end.
I suppose I was grateful that they didn't want to be there and said that they should probably just go and I would call them if anything changed.
At some point my mum had been given something that was just allowing her body to rest.
I stayed with her right until the end. I saw her take her last breath and saw the life from her eyes disappear.
She looked so peaceful, no frown on her face just a relaxed expression.
I remember sitting there for what seemed like an eternity. I kissing her on her forehead and said goodbye.
As I walked out of the ward, I was compelled to go back in just to see if she had come back.............................she hadn't, she had gone.

Almost 2 years on and I would do anything to put right all the hurt I caused her. She always did her best for me.

liveinazoo Tue 22-Nov-11 17:00:24

oh honey...that made me cry.it sounds to me like you had some very close time with your mum even though she was very poorly and the last thing to go when someone dies is their hearing so if you spoke to her in her final hours she wouldve known that you were there.i lost my mum alost 22yrs ago when i was 17.she dropped into a fit and had a heart attack and died in front of me when we were alone in the house.i think of her often and for a long time i regretted so much.but then i reached the point where i thought i cant change the past,only the future and i want to remember her for all the good things.none of my children got to meet her and i show them pictures and talk about her sometimes.i believe while you keep someone alive in your memory and in your heart they are still alive within you.only when you stop reembering ar they truly gone forever.as a mum i know deep in my heart no matter what happens between me and my rabble i will still love them and id like to think my mum thought the same about me.it never goes away but you do kind of except the situation.it doesnt stop me missing her very much,as you do your mum.i sincerely hope you can forgive whatever you felt you failed to be.it sounds like to me you had some quality precious time together before she left and whilst these may be difficult as she was unwell at least you got the chance to say goodbye and that you loved her.x

boba82 Wed 07-Dec-11 22:34:44

My mum only has a few weeks left at most. She has cervical cancer that has spread to lungs, bones & liver. I have a 10 week old DS (1st DC & GC). I don't know how to cope with this. I can't imagine life without my mum.

Katey7 Wed 14-Dec-11 00:59:47

My lovely Mum died one month ago aged 69. She had MS and pancreatic cancer but the cancer was operable - she actually died 5 days after the operation because the MS or possibly a small stroke - we don't know - meant she never recovered from the major operation that was supposed to save her life. It was a total shock to me and my father (whose 80th birthday was 1 week after she died) as she seemed to be recovering. She died of a chest infection in just 4 hours - we couldn't get there in time. I am sure she didn't know she was dying, but during those five days told us she loved us and smiled so much, told me I was lovely. I feel so awful - I can't believe it.

I was totally unprepared for her death - it was only 6 weeks after diagnosis and we were told it was operable so we were totally focussed on her getting her through the operation and helping her recover at home - I had come down to be with her and Dad 6 weeks before she died, leaving my job and my husband - I am afraid I was in full-on fight mode, bossing her and constantly criticising her for things I perceived she was doing wrong (due to the MS, she was finding it increasingly hard to cope domestically - 20 packets of frozen fish in the freezer, keeping bedroom freezing - that sort of thing), I nagged her and criticised her for this that and the other (silly things that don't matter) - only because I was worried for her long-term. I also became depressed because I found out the long-term prognosis of the illness (which we kept from her), which I hate myself for now - why couldn't I have tried harder and been upbeat for her? She was so lovely and brave and never complained. She was so pleased I had come home and totally trusted me.

I just feel so, so guilty, because for the last 11 years since I left for university I have lived away from home. I am an only child and I was a late baby so my parents are older (I am 30). Always so close to Mum and Dad when a child and adolescent and they gave me everything - so much love. Particularly close to Mum, who never really wanted me to leave home. But since uni I have always lived between 2-3 hours away by car and could only see Mum and dad on weekends (though recently I have tried to spend one in 3 with them) and special occasions. The thing is I fell in love with my future husband at uni and because he decided to be a barrister, we lived in 3 cities all between 2-3 hours away as he tried to get a pupillage. We started in Bristol where he qualified, then moved to Essex for 3 years after marrying where we lived with his in-laws (which I so regret now-they are lovely but why didn't I spend that time with Mum?) so he could apply for jobs in London. Then last year he finally (randomly) got a pupillage in Leeds, which my parents were so pleased about. They were so proud I got married.

But my parents live in Warwickshire and so it was always 2-3 hrs by car from where we lived. He tried to get a job in the Midlands but it just didn't happen. Last year my Mum had breast cancer but it was early stage and she was successfully operated on. We went up for 10 days to help her through radiotherapy. The year before and this year we spent a lovely holiday with them in Greece - though the husband played merry hell and put me through hell about it. I have always given them a week before Xmas and Xmas Day because Mum loved to spend that time leading up to Xmas with me. But hubby always dragged me off for a week with his family on Boxing Day - always a source of tension between us (though I always thought it was time with dad that was limited - never Mum) I was so miserable on Boxing Day as we drove away and it broke Mum's heart every Boxing day and every time I drove away. She said, why doesn't he go and you stay here with us? But he wouldn't let me.

Loads of huge rows with husband about moving closer to home, but the job just didn't work out that way. But finally, he had the pupillage and we were planning on buying a house and having Mum and Dad to stay and looking after them in their old age and having kids, as soon as his pupillage was confirmed in August next year. But time just ran out for Mum. Suddenly and crullely, we have lost her - my best friend, my sunshine. I just feel so cheated and so very very guilty because I feel like I let her (and dad) down.

Didn't even want husband to be barrister as money not a problem thanks to Mum and Dad - so why did I let husband make me work full-time, reducing time with Mum further? I love husband but feel he has made me choose between him and my parents, and that they have been sacrificed for his career. Is this unfair?

Should I have made different decisions in my life? I feel I should have come home after uni, or certainly last year when she had breat cancer. But I was married and she was given the all-clear. Should I feel guilty? I know none of this changes anything or helps Mum now, but I can't help the questions, and I don't know what is 'normal' for others?

ohfuschia Wed 14-Dec-11 01:38:10

I am so sorry you lost your wonderful Mum, it is still such early days for you. I lost my 'sunshine' too (you are my sunshine was the song Mum sang to us and we had a verse put on her stone) in March 2009. I was 20 weeks pregnant and the following months were something of a blur. It wasn't until my son was a few months old that I contacted Cruse, I wasn't sure how they could help with the loss of someone so integral to my being but the lady who gave up her time every week to come and see me was amazing.

She gave me the chance to articulate every moment where I was uncomfortable with how I'd behaved and made me realise that everything I did was from love of my mother and fear of her loss. It has helped me in those times when I have a stab of regret to know that I didn't know how things were going to go and in actual fact I did do the best I could at the time given the way things were for me. You said your Mum was delighted you got married, and so while of course she wouldn't have wanted you to go on Boxing Day or other days she would also have understood your position and wanted what was easiest for you. Apologies if I'm speaking out of turn, I just know so well how much you go over in your mind, but with the help of time and the lovely lady from Cruse I can still have Mum as very much a part of my life without the accompanying pain (though of course there's still times I'm sidewinder by it I see it as a result of the deep love we shared so can accept it). I hope things can become clearer for you too and you're able to go a bit easier on yourself. All the very best.

Katey7 Wed 14-Dec-11 14:44:07

Thank you ohfuschia for your kind and comforting words. I am so sorry for your loss too. Mum also used to sing that song to me and it also summed up how we felt about each other. I'm glad you got through the feelings of regret and are able to remember your Mum with happiness and have her as part of your life. Cruse have a 4-5 month waiting list where I live but maybe I can get some private counselling. It is getting a bit better each day. As you say I keep going over and over everything playing out how I could have done things differently. I know I couldn't have known what the future held (although her health problems made me want to be nearer to her) but somehow that's more of a torture to me rather than a comfort, as I was planning the future around Mum. I will never stop the regrets but I know I must not take it out on my husband as she wanted us to be happy together more than anything. And he also gave Mum and Dad some lovely times, the four of us together. I must look after Dad and stop worrying him with endless regrets as Mum wanted me to look after him (and so do I, more than anything).

The good thing is Mum and I loved each other so much and told each other all the time. I know I made her happy and proud, though I know she missed me tremendously too, (she didn't go out as much as others or see as many people, partly the MS, partly her wish). But I rang her lots and went to see her for the weekend whenever I felt the need. She used to say when I left it was like the 'change from major to minor' (like the song -'every time we say goodbye'). So sad that my last goodbye to her was forever, far too soon than either of us expected. But I know above all, she wanted me to be happy and so I will try my best to lead a happy, successful life and make her proud. (I wish I could believe she was around somehow still, but I can't- can't believe in an afterlife.) But thank you again for your kind reply.

ohfuschia Thu 15-Dec-11 08:44:06

You are very welcome, I just so recognised in your tone the hurt I felt when my Mum left unexpectedly. I hope the counselling is as useful for you if you go down that route, I struck lucky with my lady but know of others who had a few counsellors before they found someone they could open up to.

Your relationship with your Mum sounds so precious - it reminds me of when I was talking to an old friend about how much I missed mine, and I was saying 'oh you know, she was just there, unconditionally, always, like how it is for everyone with their Mum'. She gently corrected me, 'No, that's not how it is for everyone, you really were very fortunate', and that was a reminder to me of the precious quality of our relationship, the essence of which I carry with me.

My counsellor also encouraged me to grieve for what I thought would be - all those years I'd looked forward to having a child with her there looking out for me and enjoying him with me and that wasn't to be. That was hard to take, as you have said, you also have to deal with that massive change in how you thought things were going to go.

Will be thinking of you x

Toval Sat 05-Apr-14 21:47:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pebbles6655 Fri 04-Jul-14 13:29:04

I lost my mum just under 4 months ago and the pain is unbearable i cry everyday i miss her so much it actually hurts

I have just posted separately not seeing this thread...

Mum died September 2012. I'm worse now than back then. I have relationship problems and a teenager, Mum would have supported with both problems. I feel alone,abandoned and isolated in my thoughts. I have a good friend who listens, but I'm a 'coper' so nobody has a clue.

It's so very very hard. My thoughts are with all of you on this thread. United in our grief thanks

Trooperslane Sun 06-Jul-14 05:48:25

So sorry, op.

My Mum died a couple of months ago and my Dad several years ago.

This has happened to me lots. X

mguven Fri 25-Jul-14 09:14:31

My mom died just over 8 years ago. Honestly it was hard but I got used to it. What I dont get is that the last 2 years its been getting harder. I miss her more now. It hurts more. Feels like the pain is growing rather then getting better. Today is my birthday, the paid she went through to have me... What hurts me the most is that I wasnt the best son. And now I have to live with it. She died when I was 24 but lives forever in my heart. I love you mom and Im so sorry I wasnt a better son. Fuck! sad

mguven Fri 25-Jul-14 09:18:52

Never saw my 1st born, my second is on the way... Never saw the man I became, the business I formed, the woman I married, all the things she imagined for me; she never saw. Brain tumor? When she was 34, WTF why? Life can be really harsh sometimes. Sorry to all that have lost, trust me I feel your pain. I guess our memories keep them alive, the rest is just Bull S***.

Pinkhels Thu 25-Sep-14 19:34:59

I lost my Mum three months ago. We were so close, she was my whole world. I miss her so much every day. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone that looked like her and dropped my shopping!
Your Mum loved you no matter how bad a son you think you were. I miss my Mum ssoo much. I only hope this gets easier.

mguven Fri 26-Sep-14 17:21:43

Thanks Pinkhels. I hope it gets better too sad

AlwaysWashing Mon 13-Oct-14 23:37:11

Reading this thread is heartbreaking
mum2taylor I had 4 months with my Mum after her brain tumour was diagnosed, she too was a Chanel girl, Coco, the nurses washed & slathered her in it everyday whilst she was in the Hospice so she could smell "expensive!" Our home care girls did the same - I can't bear it now just makes me want to howl.
lulu2 I absolutely get where you are coming from - I don't want counselling, I want my Mum.
The realisation that I'm not the only person in the world going through this pain & confusion is actually a tiny bit comforting.
I'm so sorry to each of you for your loss.

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