Widowed mum.... how to help

[queenofthedumbquestion]

Hi anyone.
My dad died three years ago next month. It was very sudden, a complete freak accident. My mum coped as well as can be expected - sold the house in the country village, moved into town, practical things like that. But she's still really lonely, especially on weekends.
We (me, DH and DS (9mo)) live about an hour away, so near enough to go over for weekends, but not near enough to just pop in. And, with the best will in the world, a full weekend visit is not always possible.
I'm her only child, she only has one sibling, and they live halfway across the country. She's not very outgoing, would hate to join a club or anything, and is the only widow she knows.
Plus, many of the mutual friends (and my dad's family) have quite obviously dumped her.
Any ideas, or advice, would really be appreciated

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Queen, so sorry for your loss

My mum is in the same boat, we lost my dad nearly 3 years ago . I live 5 miles away in the next village, my siblings are scattered around the UK.

She has had to forge a new life, although with lots of support from friends and family.

The Church has been a great source of comfort to her, she has gradually been drawn into the women's circle.

Could she grit up the courage to volunteer, say for meals on wheels or in the local charity shop, a great way to meet new people? It's very hard for you all and you have my sympathy

[choosyfloosy]

I wonder if she might be interested in the University of the Third Age?

The thing about it is that all the meetings have a function - it's not just social, which my mum hates, and it sounds like yours would to.

My mother quite enjoys the book group, and some of the walks - they are often led by people who know a lot about birds, the countryside etc and that's very much her sort of thing.

My ILs are very social but also get a lot out of their U3A. I thought of it purely because my mum is not a sociable person at all but nonetheless gets quite a bit out of it. HTH.

[queenofthedumbquestion]

She did work up the courage to volunteer in the local Oxfam, but left after a couple of sessions. She has problems with standing for long periods due to cancer treatment, and the boss refused to let her sit down, saying it created a bad impression. So much for charity!! This really knocked her confidence. That's one of her main problems, and she is also not religious, which I do think is one of the things that could help, if that's not being too shallow...

[queenofthedumbquestion]

Choosy, I mentioned that to her too (I have literally tried everything I can think of) and she looked into it, but then one thing put her off, and that was it. That's another thing with her, and, to be brutally honest, sometimes I feel like losing my patience. Everything I suggest gets thrown back in my face...

[LittleWonder]

Has she got a computer? when my Dad died, we bought one for my mum and then she had to do lessons. It's been great.

[bossybritches]

Introduce her to Mumsnet!!

[choosyfloosy]

It sounds so hard, for all of you. I'm sure she is still grieving really hard (you don't need me to say that!) and I don't know anything about that sort of grief. Is she still having treatment for cancer at the moment? Is she having trouble finding motivation for that?

I assume that CRUSE weren't right for her?

[queenofthedumbquestion]

She's down to six-month check-ups, so that's really good, but again, it's knocked her confidence. Diagnosis came just a month after he died, so the whole grieving process knocked off kilter for both of us. Tried Cruse, and they never got back to her. Had a Macmillan nurse at the time, who also stopped returning calls. So she just keeps getting let down, not due to people being malicious, but that's how she feels, that's she's not worth being helped. Christ, this is making me cry now...
Bossy, I have also suggested that, and that was met with almost agreement. But it's not the same as real people is it. That's, frankly, why I love it

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Queen, she might still be struggling with what happened to your dad, in your OP you say it was very sudden and shocking, so she may not yet be ready to move on, emotionally. Especially as she has been ill?

It's a lonely life, but perhaps she prefers it that way?

grief is a strange thing

[queenofthedumbquestion]

That's the thing, she always has been somewhat of a loner, like me, and does like her own company. I think it's the way she has no choice now, and when she sees a weekend stretched out in front of her, she panics. It's just that little chat at the end of the day... And there is no-one she knows in the same situation. Me and my aunt make sure we ring her most nights, and she has another few good friends, but, as she says, weekends are husband/wife time.

[Eddas]

it's so hard isn't it. My mum died 5 years ago(nearly) and dad was just heartbroken. We did know she was gong to die but it was still quicker than 'expected'. Dad was very very lonely for the first few months. Calling and asking when I would be round. my sister lived in Swindon(we're in Kent) and my brother was only 17, so still living at home but took and past his driving test 2 weeks after mum died so obviously wanted to be off with his mates. He also needed to do what was right for him to help his grief.

IT was so difficult to watch dad being like he was Someone he worked with suggested he joined a dating website. He kept this quiet from us dc though

I was really really that he did it! He was a technophobe and mum did any computery things for him so was a real shock.

Anyway he met up with 4-5 ladies and wasn't keen, but it'd got him out and about. He then met a lady who is now my step mother(not my ideal choice but he's happY!)

I didn't think he'd ever do it but he did and he is so happy now. Even though us(his dc) feel very much like we've lost both our parents as he's changed such a lot He had to change though and i'm very pleased to see him happy

I'm not sure that helped you but just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I really hope things improve for your mum. I'm sure she's a lovely lady with a lot of love and friendship to offer.

[mablemurple]

Could she cope with a small dog? It would get her out of the house regularly, and is quite a good way to meet other people doing the dog run. What about a part time job in an office? There are plenty of other types of volunteer work, it's worth investigating. Can she drive? Does your local council transport elderly folk from home to day centre - she could maybe get a part time job driving a minibus. Sorry to go on, but my mum just sat at home by herself and made no effort to get out and meet people or use her brain, despite many suggestions from my sister and I, so I know how frustrating it can be when they seem to ignore all your advice. I do think that if you don't make an effort to socialise it does have an effect on your brain - the difference between my mum, who died earlier this year aged 75, and her friends of the same age who had more of a social life, was quite striking.

[queenofthedumbquestion]

She still works, is only in her late 50s, so the days aren't too much of a problem. She doesn't want to do anything work-y on her weekends, which I can understand. But thanks Mable, I'm glad its not just me being an evil daughter fir finding it so frustrating. She did go to a book club, but then didn't like the next book, so didn't go again. This despite vaguely knowing another woman there, also widowed at a relatively young age. She's just so lacking in self-confidence and so shy, and this can come across as rudeness, which also doesn't help.
Sorry, I'm being just like her now, knocking back all your helpful suggestions.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

So sorry for your loss.

I read your OP and I thought I would like to adopt her as an extra Granny for my children as they only have one. Is there anyone local who could use an older ladies experience?

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Why quite obviously dumped her? That is so sad and inexcusable.

[BitLessTiredNow]

I can understand why people have 'dumped' her - not at all that I think they are right, but some people can be real ostriches when faced with this sort of situation. I am so sorry for your loss too, but she is so lucky to have you as a daughter. Some random suggestions are - room volunteer at the local NT, if she has an interest in that sort of thing, or maybe suggest the charity 'home start' to her if she likes chidlren. I would get back onto Cruse, if she was my mum- this doesn't sound like them and maybe it was a mistake she wasn't called back. Would she enjoy study? I have really enjoyed my OU stuff and have met very different people through it - some of whom are in the same situation as your mum. Sending you a hug.

[queenofthedumbquestion]

NAB, I don't mean it's obvious why they dumped her - i think they're horrible shits - more that they made it clear she was a burden.
Tired - OU sounds like a good idea, not thought of that

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Sounds like they need a kick up the bum.

[queenofthedumbquestion]

They do, but not sure its worth the bother. On the one occasion they invited her out for a curry (and these are friends she's known for years) they spent all their time talking about sex and stuff like that, obviously things that would make a middle-aged widow who's body has changed due to cancer feel bloody awful. I don't know, I thought ds would help, but, because she's on her own, she is very nervous about taking him on her own. It's just all a bloody mess

[mablemurple]

Do you think she did the right thing by moving to a town? Don't know how long she lived in the village, but she must have built up some kind of social network there - maybe she misses that (not the so-called friends, though).

[queenofthedumbquestion]

Mable, that was definitely the right thing. The village was a shithole, not actually far from where she lives now, but full of inbred locals and whatnot. It was bought as the ideal retirement home, but was not really any good for a single person, and also there was a mass exodus of all normal people not long before dad died. She's never really had a social network, it was mainly my dad who was the outgoing one, and now she's not even willing to try. And people who were friends with both of them have decided its too much trouble to have a widow hanging around. I think she upsets the status quo.