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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

the love of my life

33 replies

angiebaby78 · 02/03/2008 11:14

Its coming up to the third anni of my partner passing on. The kids were not his so it seems a bit unfair to ask them what they wnt to do for the anni. im really sad at the moment as it was a sudden death and even though people see i have moved on inside i am still grieving for my soul mate any one want to give me some advice or just some words of comfort. I have also just moved away from my friends so have no one to talk to .

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shabster · 02/03/2008 11:23

oh sweetheart - how horrible. Sudden death is awful because there is no chance to say goodbye.

Please be kind to yourself - one step at a time love. My best friends husband took his own life last September on their 2nd wedding anniversary and about four weeks later she had her third child. She 'lost the plot' for quite a while and we just rallied round her and encouraged her. Delighted to say, on the outside at least, she appears to be recovering.

If the kids got along well with him why not talk about it to them - dont think it does children any harm to know mums hurt sometimes.

Keep your chin up my love

mamalovesmojitos · 02/03/2008 11:25

oh angiebaby. i dont know what to say but i'm sending you hugs and good vibes. i have never been in your situation and i cant imagine how hard it is for you. surely people realise that three years is a very short time in the grieving process. you need to talk...can you phone your friends? or do you have a counsellor? whatever happens you cant keep these feelings to yourself. it's too much for one person to cope with.

shabster · 02/03/2008 11:37

agree with mamas post - have lost 2 of my 4 DS's and kept it all in my head and heart for many years - DONT DO IT - it makes you feel mentally and physically poorly.

Find someone you can spill out your thoughts to

Kindersurpise · 02/03/2008 11:43

Sorry for your loss, Angiebaby.

Do you still have contact with your friends? Would one of them come and stay with you for a few days around the anniversary?

I think that 3 years is not a long time, and that you will always feel his loss around special dates and anniversaries, birthdays etc.

I also believe that you have to allow yourself the time to reflect and remember on these dates. Don't try to shut the memories out, but try to concentrate on the good memories. Perhaps you could spend the evening with some of you and your partners old friends, look at photos and reminisce together.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/03/2008 11:56

Angie, so sorry for your loss

Sending you love and strength

angiebaby78 · 02/03/2008 21:07

to shabster thanks for your words. Cant find any one to open up to. Always have to put on the strong face for the kids. Everyone says how strong i am but they dont see me now on my own tapping away at the computer with tears running down my face. How will i talk to others about it . I think no one mentions it to me for the best. But thats really not working. I need to find someone who i can sit and sob with and they will hold me and tell me it will be ok . Heres hoping.

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BettySpaghetti · 02/03/2008 21:13

angie - so sorry to hear about your loss.

A friend of mine spoke to a counsellor at Cruse and found that really helpful. She was in a dark place for a long time but said it helped to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly what she was going through.

onebatmother · 02/03/2008 21:24

Sending all my love, Angie - really so sorry to hear about your loss.
Can only echo others - and would probably recommend a counsellor/bereavement counsellor, since the one thing that I have noticed is important in grief is to overcome the feeling that you are 'going on' and making others uncomfortable. I don't mean you are, just that it often feels as though you are.
Thinking of you.

shabster · 03/03/2008 00:22

angie - please go to either your GP or health visitor or someone in the medical profession and you need to speak to a qualified psyciatrist - dont be ashamed! If you had a heart problem you would go to a cardiologist, a broken leg to an orthopedic surgeon. Your heart is broken - you need to speak to a psyciatrist - they will 'make you' face up to crap and talk, and talk, and talk, till you cant talk anymore. It will take a long time and be very difficult but you have to do it sweetie - PLEASE - dont hesitate. Nobody will think you are a bad person, the majority of folk will think - I wish I had the guts to do what she has done. Please give it a try

angiebaby78 · 03/03/2008 15:35

i do feel a fraud though as since his death i have got married and had a baby!!. i know what everyone thinks of me thats why i have moved house to a new area so i cant speak to my old friends. The marriage was a knee jerk reaction and now thats falling apart as i speak . So much always going on and in the middle of my messed up life are three innocent kids. How did my life come to be so messy ???

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onebatmother · 03/03/2008 16:20

Oh my dear. You poor, poor thing. Mess often seems to follow mess, doesn't it? But nothing is so messy that it cannot be sorted out.

I do think that the first thing, then, is some bereavement counselling - avail through GP, I think - or call CRUSE. If things are chaotic in your domestic life, you cannot possibly work through your grief. You need time alone, with someone who doesn't need anything from you.

Thinking of you.

Wisteria · 03/03/2008 16:23

Another vote for Cruse. Or if there are underlying issues that you could benefit from talking through then a BACP accredited psychotherapist may help you with all of it.

NatalieJane · 03/03/2008 16:26

Angie, where (roughly) do you live? Can a near-by MNer be a good friend?

You sound like you really could do with a friend.

Wisteria · 03/03/2008 16:28

I looked NJ - she's in Stoke - bit too far for me unfortunately....

NatalieJane · 03/03/2008 16:35

I am up north, but can't travel, though if you are willing to travel to me Angie, I will quite happily give you a shoulder sweetie.

You really mustn't feel badly for re-marrying, but that isn't the issue here, it sounds like you just need to off load.

angiebaby78 · 03/03/2008 19:49

thanks natalie jane so kind of you to offer your support to a complete stranger. just finding this website has enabled me to release some of the pressure that has been boiling up inside for a long time. feeling a bit better just for typing a few notes. I think i knew the marriage was a bad idea but i got swept up in the romance of it all.

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toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 19:51

just caught up with this.
Feel for you.
some brilliant advice on here, as always.
Would say yes, bereavement counselling.
1 step at a time.
Wishing you strength and peace.

angiebaby78 · 03/03/2008 19:53

silly question but isnt it too late to go to gp and ask for berev counselling ??? Im not very good at asking for things for myself. If its the kids then im there but not for me .

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Wisteria · 03/03/2008 20:11

No - it's not too late angie, if you haven't dealt with your grief properly you may be stuck on the grief wheel.

Some of us can carry on for years, coping with everything and even moving on etc but it can rear its ugly head again and again. It's more about (from what I have understood in your case) just having someone to talk it all through with in safe and confidential space.

HTH

toomanydaves · 03/03/2008 22:07

wisteria is right.

Wisteria · 04/03/2008 11:10

angie78, if you would like to talk to someone about it all off line (in confidence) then feel free to mail me. I recommend Cruse but if there is a long waiting list do get in touch

wisteriamn@googlemail dot com

Mummy2TandF · 05/03/2008 00:39

Angie - I have just tried to CAT you but it says that you have chosen not to recieve them. I lost my husband suddenly in August and although I am not as far along in this journey as you, I just know that we will be having or have experienced many of the same emotions and feelings of despair. If you want to chat, please feel free to contact me either via CAT or if not post here and I can give you my email address. Please, do continue to post here - If I didn't have MN I don't know where I would be now. My love to you and your children

angiebaby78 · 05/03/2008 15:33

will post later bit tied up at moment. Not sure how CAT works. new to mn. By the way the anni is next tues 11th march. Thanks to everyone for your support,. JUst in process of separating from husband then gonna phone docs XX

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angiebaby78 · 05/03/2008 15:40

Have just allowed CAT. I think anyway. Thanks xxx

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angiebaby78 · 06/03/2008 19:23

Still here if any one else is ??? Where did you all go?? Off to asdas??? DH has gone so just me and kids now !! Its for the best. XXX

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