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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

my nephew

25 replies

Ecmo · 21/02/2008 20:07

my nephew had cp from when he was 6 weeks old. He couldn't walk, talk, feed himself. last year he had a serious bout of pneumonia. He was readmitted last week with the same problem. He died 10 minutes ago. My Dh had just arrived at the hospital.
We are all devastated but if anyone has been thru similar can you give me some advice on whether I should take my children to the funeral they are 14,12,10,6. What sort of things can I do for the family (they are 4 hours away) should I keep the younger ones at home and send the older 2 with my dh. I just feel so lost and helpless. I can't imagine what my sil is going thru.

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Psychomum5 · 21/02/2008 20:10

oh goodness....my sympathies, that is so sad.

I personally would take my children to a funeral of their cousin, and they are ages 5 to 14. altho, if you are still unsure, can you not ask your family first if they want your children there, and then ask your children if they want to go?

RTKangaDYSONMummy · 21/02/2008 20:13

IMHO and IME I would take all the children to the funeral

lottiejenkins · 21/02/2008 20:13

Am very sorry for your loss, Might i suggest you contact Winstons Wish for advice........ they support children who have a suffered a bereavment, they helped my ds when his grandad, dad and male carer all died.
www.winstonswish.org.uk/

mummylin2495 · 21/02/2008 20:14

i have no advice for you but wanted to pass on my deepest sympathies.

ara · 21/02/2008 20:16

likewise, how tragic , poor little soul

Twiglett · 21/02/2008 20:17

I am sorry for your loss.

If it was my family, I would take them all to the funeral, although it is a long way away so assume there is somewhere you can stay (that isn't bereaved household)

MAMAZON · 21/02/2008 20:21

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Pinkchampagne · 21/02/2008 20:22

So sorry for your loss.

Nappyzone · 21/02/2008 20:24

Ecmo · 21/02/2008 20:24

thankyou everyone. My IL's all live very close and my other sil is down there too. I will ask them if they wish us to be there. I was tempted to stay at home coz my 6yold doesnt understand and I thought he might be a bit much for them to cope with.
Forgot to mention that my nephew was 20years old in January. He seems to have always been around it will be so awful without him.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 21/02/2008 20:26

ecmo .. a good way to explain death to little ones is the hand in glove theory .. hang on will find it for you

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 21/02/2008 20:30

Twig's glove one is good.

This also works, IMO

Waterbugs and Dragonflies
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

'Look!' said one of the water bugs to another, 'One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?' Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. 'That's funny!' said one water bug to another. 'Wasn't she happy here?' asked a second water bug. 'Were do you suppose she went?' wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. 'I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.' 'We promise', they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chancd to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: 'The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why'.

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. 'I can't return!' he said in dismay. 'At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went'.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

nickytwotimes · 21/02/2008 20:31

Ecmo, sorry for your loss.
My cousin died aged 11 and I was 12. I went to the funeral along with all the young 'uns and wouldn't have wanted to miss it. it wasn't easy but it was our chance to say goodbye too. Hope you all get through the next few weeks ok. x

needmorecoffee · 21/02/2008 20:32

I would take the kids. I've been to a whole bunch of funerals of children in my CP group and the parents always welcome children.
Hugs to your SIL, I live with the fear daily that dd, who is like your nephew, will pass away.

Twiglett · 21/02/2008 20:35

search is not working it seems

OK will rewrite

I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock, because I couldn't find a glove) and I said to my kids

"this is you, the sock is your body but the hand is the bit that really is you, the bit that's inside your body" and I wiggled my fingers around a lot and tried to work out if they knew what I meant (I started this at about 3 years old so at 6 it will be easier to identify that sense of self inside your body)

"When you die, from illness or accident or when you're really old" keep fingers wiggling "you leave your body behind" slip hand out of glove and lay it gently on the ground .. but keep fingers wriggling in the air "and the bit that is you, really you goes on .. but you've left your body behind because you don't need it anymore"

fingers swoop and wiggle and descent into tickling

(it works if you don't have a particular faith but a sense that life goes on .. you can make it more religious if you want)

hope it, or an adaptation of it, is useful

theboob · 21/02/2008 20:41

so sorry for your loss thinking of your sil,and all your family

cornsilk · 21/02/2008 20:44

sorry for your loss

sugarpear · 21/02/2008 20:51

thinking of you all so sorry for you loss x

HeatherFJ · 21/02/2008 21:31

My son died when he was six. Most friends bought their children to his funeral and his best friend, who was the same age, read a short poem. (and we also had a friend read
Waterbugs and Dragonflies) I guess my thoughts are that death is a harsh fact of life - it happens. However, all children are different and Joe's mum judged he was old enough to cope and be there. People will differ a lot in their opinion, some people are against young children at funerals, others for it. At the end of the day only you really know what's right for your own kids, your sister and your family.

Califrau · 21/02/2008 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hertsnessex · 21/02/2008 21:39

Hugs to all.

Thinking of you xxxxxx

2shoes · 21/02/2008 21:48

Ecmo
Sincere symapathy
Yes take them. He was their cousen and freind.
When dd's freind died(not cp but similar condition) there were a couple of children at the funeral.
Also when my bil died suddenly there was a big debate about his children going to his funeral(they were 6 & 8) they did go and I thnik it made it easier for them.

Ecmo · 21/02/2008 22:36

Thankyou all for your advice. Its really helped. I have spoken to my SIL now and she says she doesnt mind at all if they come but its up to me. she also said that the funeral is going to be an upbeat event as a celebration of his life which might make it easier for the children to be there.
I will use some of the stories that have been posted to explain to my 6 year old as I think they will explain it better than I can
Thankyou everyone for all your advice. I don't post much as I never know what to say but i do lurk a lot! Its nice to know there are people listening out there!

OP posts:

Tnog · 21/02/2008 22:40

Sorry for your loss, Ecmo.

hazygirl · 22/02/2008 07:41

so sorry for your loss,look afteryourselfxx

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