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Has anyone experience or advice on open coffins and children? Sorry if anyone finds this upsetting

6 replies

Piffle · 21/02/2008 11:11

DP's darling gran passed away suddenly on Monday night, she was very close to our kids 14, 5 and 11 mths - particularly 5yr old dd, very very close.
We saw her a lot and infact just last Sunday we were with her.

Now dd has been ok as she obviously cannot truly understand death and she is just now starting to feel a quiet sadness.

PIL have said there will be open coffin, I had this when my dad died but I was 20 then and I found it very important to say goodbye and to see him again.

Am not sure what to do about the kids though?
Obv ds1 is 14, he can make his own choices, but dd might well want to write a letter or draw a picture to send with her nanan, but am unsure as to how I feel about her monstly worrying about her reaction.
Has anyone any experience of a child this age seeing a loved one in an open coffin
TIA

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lucyellensmum · 21/02/2008 11:28

I am very sorry for your loss. I dont really know what to advise.

Is it to be an open coffin in the church or just at home or at the funeral place? I saw my father after he died and i wished i didnt, but you saw your dad and it helped you. I just didnt think that my dad looked like dad, if you see what i mean.

My gut feeling is not to let the five year old see, 14, as you say, can make up his own mind, but im just not sure how it would be for the five year old. I think it is a lovely idea for a letter or picture that you can do together, maybe you could either put this in the coffin for her or place it on the grave, if she is being buried. My gut feeling is no, but that is just me and we are all different. Maybe you could go and buy a rose or nice plant for you and DD to plant in the garden, nanans bush? Its very sad, but you'll do the right thing for DD, its up to you.

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MaryAnnSingleton · 21/02/2008 11:30

no experience of this,even as a grown up, though have seen my grandpa and grandma dead...I think a child might find it a bit disturbing seeing their gran actually in a coffin rather than in a bed...

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Babysamrocks · 21/02/2008 11:31

Sorry to hear about your dps gran. I'm all for children attending funerals but not really sure what I'd do if there was going to be an open coffin. It's a tough one for you. I think the idea of your dd putting in a letter for her nan is a good one.

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Piffle · 21/02/2008 11:37

yeah hard trying to figure it out for her.
I kind of like that she cannot understand death as far as her little happy life goes, but she is a pretty circumspect girl. but something in me wonders...
Nan was very active and never ill. so she does not associate her with illness or being frail.
Tough one indeed
no burial it will be a cremation with later interrment next to grandad

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Winetimeisfinetime · 21/02/2008 11:39

When my fil died there was an open coffin at home. My ds, who was 10 at the time, went to the funeral but did not see the open coffin. I didn't want him to as I felt it was better to remember his gd as he'd seen him in life and that if he had seen him in the coffin it would be an image that would be with him for life. The funeral was traumatic enough for him tbh and my ds agreed that he didn't want to see his gd in the coffin either. Even now at 14 I wouldn't particularly want him to see a loved one in an open coffin as it may be more disturbing than comforting.