My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Living Nightmare

30 replies

Katy77 · 16/01/2008 04:55

I have just found out that my baby has a serious malformation problem. We think we have made the decision not to continue with the pregnancy. I am 21 weeks pregnant with a little girl - she is very active at the moment and seems intent on changing my mind. I just don't know what to do. I think to bring her into the world to suffer would be cruel or should she at least be given the chance? I'm in limbo at the moment with the hospital - haven't really told them of our decision what support can they offer or will we be left on our own?

OP posts:
Report
susiecutiemincepies · 16/01/2008 05:08

I'm so sad, and so sorry you are going through this.

In asnwer to your last question, you will not be left on your own. At 21 weeks, i'm sure they have discussed this with you, but you will need to go through an induced labour.

As for if you make the decision to terminate, or not. You need to ensure you are well informed of exactly what the malformation is. How is it compatible with life. If you decide to go to term to have her, will she be in pain, or suffer, at birth. they need to tell you more on things like, is there any chance at all she can live, or survive with the malformations.

I feel that until you have as much information as possible, and enough knowledge on the problems you baby has, you cannot make such a huge decision.

I feel so deeply for you, and cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling now, or going through.

Should you decide that it would be the best, kindest, most caring thing you can do for your baby girl, to end you pregnancy, then the hospital will be there for you. you will not be left alone to have her. There is a lot of support there for you afterwards, and also many fantastic organisations also, who are mainly run by people who have been in your situation and can access and guide you to the right people and right places for help and support to come to terms with what you are going through.

I hope i've not been to insensitive, I just felt that you needed a little more information.

you are the only people who can make such an agonizing decision, but I truly feel you need more knowledge of what you are facing, either way, before you can make such a choice.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers so much. I just feel so terribly sad for you.

Report
Olihan · 16/01/2008 07:39

I'm so sorry you're having to make this decision. Have the hospital told you about ARC? Some friends went through the same thing a couple of years ago and they found the support from ARC very helpful.

FWIW, they did make the decision to terminate and while it was horrific at the time, they are at peace with their decision and have since had a healthy little girl.

Report
Flumpytigger · 16/01/2008 13:56

Katy77, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this and it reminds me of exactly how it felt when I first found out about my little angels heart defects.

It really is a 'living nightmare' as you say.

All I can advise is that you get every tiny little detail from the consultants (if you haven't already) so that you can make the best most well-informed decision possible.
If you don't do this, you will have unanswered 'what ifs' for the rest of your life. There is so much support out there for you - ARC are so helpful, informative and supportive, also the midwives are brilliant, as well as many brilliant mum's on here.

We are all here holding your hand in the cyber sense, you & your little girl our in my thoughts and I know you will make the best decision for your little one.

You know where we are if you need us and I will keep checking in to see how you are doing.
xx

Report
Katy77 · 19/01/2008 00:18

Thanks to all of you for replying. I'm being induced on Sunday. So we have come to the heartbreaking decision to not continue with the pregnancy. We have searched our souls many times over and feel it would be too much of a problem for our little one to bear. I have had some wonderful support from the bereavement midwife at the hospital and have been able to arrange all the details for what will happen to our little girl afterwards. I'll sign off now but will let you know at some point next week how I'm getting on. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Report
MillyH · 20/01/2008 13:48

K77, Thinking of you this Sunday and your little girl. All the hugs and warmth I can muster to try and help a very little at this awful time.

Report
constancereader · 20/01/2008 13:52

I am thinking of you today, Katy77.

I faced the same terrible situation two years ago when my son was diagnosed with Patau's syndrome. I found SANDS very helpful indeed, but only after a little time had passed.

Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Report
pinkdolly · 20/01/2008 16:01

Katy77- Just wanted to know that you are in my thoughts also today.

What a horrible thing to have to go through.

I hope you can find strength and support from the people around you.

And know that you have done the best by your little girl.

Sending you big hugs.

Take care of yourself.

Pink xx

Report
RahRah1 · 20/01/2008 16:09

Dear Katy77, thinking of you and your little girl today. XX

Report
Womba1 · 20/01/2008 16:14

Katy77..you're in our thoughts today..
sending you much love and strength..
xx

Report
notjustmom · 20/01/2008 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpawnChorus · 20/01/2008 16:26

Have only just seen this What terribly sad news. Wishing you lots of strength.

Report
Oblomov · 20/01/2008 16:32

Really sorry to hear this Katy77

Report
dooley1 · 20/01/2008 16:33

xxx

Report
blueshoes · 20/01/2008 17:05

katy77, sorry that you have to make this decision. Wishing you much love and wisdom. You and dh will make the best decision for your little daughter, even if your hearts break. xxxx

Report
Elasticwoman · 20/01/2008 17:16

Thinking of you Katy.

xxxx

Report
justjules · 20/01/2008 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trulymadlydeeply · 20/01/2008 20:52

Thinking of you all.

xxx

Report
stripeytiger · 20/01/2008 21:09

Thinking of you sweetheart, sending you big hugs xxx

Report
Katy77 · 21/01/2008 20:09

Thanks everyone. We had a beautiful little girl yesterday. And whilst I'm struggling with the empty feeling I have right now - I feel proud to have known her and met her. She looked so peaceful afterwards and we have a number of momentos of her from the hospital. A hard job today was to take down the scan pictures from our fridge - where they had held pride of place. I have kept them with the other things and known that I will be able to look on them fondly.

OP posts:
Report
Katy77 · 21/01/2008 20:26

Just another note I meant to add. Does anyone know how long your supposed to wait before trying again?

OP posts:
Report
Sidge · 21/01/2008 20:31

I'm so sorry for your loss

With regards to trying again I think it depends whether the abnormalities the baby has are hereditary or not that affects most couples decision as to how long to wait.

Could you have a chat about it with the bereavement midwife when you feel ready? It sounds like she has been supportive for you so far which is good.

I wish you peace.

Report
fairylights · 21/01/2008 20:32

katy, have just seen your thread - just wanted to say i am thinking of you. I don't know how long you have to wait but hope you will be able to grieve well and one day have a brother or sister for your little girl xxx

Report
dosydot · 21/01/2008 20:34

Thinking of you Katy, I am glad you had some time with your beautiful angel.
I don't have any answers for you but my thoughts are with you and your DP

Report
susiecutiemincepies · 21/01/2008 21:18

Oh katy, all so heartbreaking. I'm s sorry.

Wishing you so much peace, and light and love, and luck for the future.

Report
laurajo · 21/01/2008 22:24

glad you've got through today katy and all the best for the future xx

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.