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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Any tips for helping my recently widowed friend sleep at night?

16 replies

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 14:39

Not sure whether I should have posted it here but I wondered if any one had any tips. She really doesn't want to take medication. Her body is exhausted but her mind is so active. As anyone used any relaxation techniques or tapes to help them switch their minds off?

She has tried warm baths, milky drinks, lavender, notebook by the bed to jot her worries down, exercise but nothing is really helping so far (apart from a couple of glasses of red wine and a shot of night nurse, probably not good long term solutions!)

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Minum · 15/01/2008 14:54

My Mum has a radio by the side of the bed, and puts it on when she wakes up in the night, and finds it comforting, and often gets her back to sleep. She was given this tip soon after Dad died, and she has really found it useful.

geekgirl · 15/01/2008 14:56

shall watch this thread with interest - my mum died 6 weeks ago and my poor dad is up for the day at 4 am every morning.

marina · 15/01/2008 15:01

Valerina or another herbal sleep remedy might help her, twofalls
A quiet radio is definitely soothing in the night when you are wakeful and sad

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 15:06

sorry to hear about your mum geekgirl, and your poor Dad. My friend is often awake between 2-5 and I think it is just the loneliest time.

Will suggest Valerina and the radio.

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AbbeyA · 15/01/2008 15:24

Unfortunately I don't think there is an answer. I was a widow with a baby and didn't dare take anything because I needed to hear him in the night.
You don't say how long she has been widowed, but a big problem is that you can't take anything in. I tried reading,I am a great reader, but I would get to the bottom of the page, realise that I hadn't a clue what I had read, start again, with the same result. I couldn't take in the simplest TV programme and didn't even try the radio.
My mind kept going over and over things and I used to tire myself out with housework-my house was never so clean!! I would go out with the baby in the day and see people and then do cleaning,washing etc all evening until tired. I think it would have helped to have somewhere to go to scream and scream and get rid of the tension. Unfortunately even without the baby in the house it might have given the neighbours a scare! It is no consolation, but it passes in time and may have to be just something she goes through.
The wine is not a good idea because she might start drinking more than a couple of glasses.

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 15:55

Thanks for your message AbbeyA and so sorry about the loss of your DH.

It is still very recent (about 6 weeks) so still very early days yet. She can't take anything in either, books, TV, the most she can manage is a glance through a magazine in a rather distracted fashion. She has said something similar about the screaming, I think she is too scared to let it all out at the moment.

Thanks for your post. I fear that it may be something that she has to live with for now but I thought it would be good to see if anything helped anyone else. I am at a loss to know how to help her really.

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AbbeyA · 15/01/2008 16:34

Only 6 weeks is very short twofalls, I think it took me almost that long to cry, I was so shocked. The tension is dreadful, everyday feels like a battle to get through and you finally get to the end of it, longing to sleep and blot it all out and you can't. I can really feel for your friend, unfortunately I think it is all part of the grieving process and there are no short cuts.You don't believe it at the time, but it passes. The best way to help her is just to be there for her and let her talk if she wants to. The thing that helped me the most was finding people in a similar situation-but that all came later on.

Yorkiegirl · 15/01/2008 16:41

Message withdrawn

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 16:45

Thanks Abbey, I know it is still so recent (and it was such a huge shock) and I know that grieving is a process you have to do, it is just so hard seeing someone you love in so much pain and so exhausted (and you know that most of your attempts to help are pretty futile). We do talk a lot though and I see her as much as I can too.

She has joined the WAY foundation and is lurking on the forum and is already finding that a source of support. Thanks for posting, I appreciate it.

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AbbeyA · 15/01/2008 16:47

Unfortunately I was widowed some long time ago before the WAY foundation (widowed and young)it looks great-I read about it in a Sunday Paper.
See www.wayfoundation.org.uk

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 16:47

Thanks yorkiegirl, x posts. She has just joined. She said although she wanted to throw the membership pack on the fire when it arrived (the club you never want to join) she is glad she joined. She said even getting the emails telling her what activities are on in our area is quite comforting, to know that there are others out there who understand what she is going through. I am glad you found it a great support.

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AbbeyA · 15/01/2008 16:49

Oh good-she has found it-your post crossed with mine.I feel I should be able to say something constructive to help but I am afraid nothing helped really-I just wanted the impossible and my DH back.

GColdtimer · 15/01/2008 16:53

I know, that is what she says. She said that she has to believe that things will get better because otherwise, what would be the point in getting out of bed but she can't imagine a day in her wildest dreams when she doesn't feel like this. However, she said that her DH is giving her the strength to do it and to do otherwise would be doing him a disservice. She is incredible really.

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AbbeyA · 15/01/2008 17:03

You can't imagine it at the time, and there is nothing you can say that will convince her that it will pass. I just took one day at a time and planned one thing that had to be done. Gradually I managed to plan a week ahead and at some point you realise that you have something to look forward to. I can't remember the time scale and I suspect it is different for different people anyway.
I used to have the urge in the supermarket to knock all the tins off a shelf in the thought that someone would cart me off somewhere and I wouldn't have to make the effort!!Three things stopped me, I couldn't do it to DS, DH would have thought it pathetic and in the end I was the only one who could help myself so there was no point in getting to rock bottom if I eventually had to get off it! She sounds as if she will cope-she is soldiering on which is the main thing.I am sure that it was heartbreaking for people like my mother who had to stand by and watch.

bundle · 15/01/2008 17:10

I know you said your friend said she doesn't want to take medication, but I suffer from insomnia, and I occasionally use phenergan if I really need to sleep. It's non-addictive and I find it really zonks me out. The link explains drugs which you shouldn't take with it, and some of the possible side effects.

GColdtimer · 16/01/2008 11:54

Thanks bundle, I will suggest it. And thanks for the support Abbey. x

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