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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

my friends baby should have been one this week,... birthday card or thinking of you card???

28 replies

saralou · 08/01/2008 07:26

i've bought both, but not sure which one to give her! i know she likes to do things for her ds, it's one of our friends ds's 1st birthday the day after and she's bringing a cake for her ds to his party and i know she'll buy him presents... i'm just not sure what the right thing to do is??

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PrincessSnowLife · 08/01/2008 07:47

thinking of you card

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Flier · 08/01/2008 07:50

def thinking of you card

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jalopy · 08/01/2008 07:53

Agree. Thinking of you card.

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hazygirl · 08/01/2008 08:15

thinking of you card but i must admit jayden got a few happy 1st birthday cards from her friendsx

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saralou · 08/01/2008 08:57

thanks guys, i think my logic at the time was birthday card for thursday and thinking of you card next week when he died (he was 6 days old) i don't want her to feel like we've forgotten, especially as their are other 1st birthdays going on, my ds2 was one last month and friends is the day the after!

OP posts:

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Flier · 08/01/2008 12:56

could you send flowers on the day of his birth and a card on the day he passed away? Or the other way round?

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pigsinmud · 27/01/2008 18:06

Isn't it a bit odd to buy a birthday card if the child has died? Thinking of you card seems much more appropriate.

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LobstersLass · 27/01/2008 18:21

I agree with schilke.

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 27/01/2008 18:23

I would send thinking of you cards for both days. If I had got a birthday card for my baby who had died it would have rubbed it in tbh, though I know not intentionally.

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izzybiz · 27/01/2008 18:34

We still all buy cards for my niece, she died at 19 months old.

I buy birthday and christmas cards and take them to her grave. Alot of friends and family do, as do her parents. They then take them home and keep them.

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NorthernLurker · 27/01/2008 18:38

Thinking of you card seems better to me - and a phone call maybe. Would be awful if your friend and her family are sat at home surrounded by cards but with nobody to talk to.

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shabster · 27/01/2008 18:45

What about maybe a balloon on the birthday - you can get them with maybe a heart on or flowers. When my 3rd DS should have been celebrating his 21st birthday we got loads of balloons with hearts on and we all stood together as a family and released them. We all put our individual thoughts on small cards tied to them. Thinking of you card I think is maybe more appropriate. Your friend will be so glad that you remembered such a special day. I have some great short poems that you could put in if you would like them. x

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Blindjacks · 22/02/2008 12:55

My daughter would of been 6 now if she had survived, I find comfort in anyone remembering her, so personally I don't find anything offensive. Perhaps leave the card at the grave with one flower. We also release ballons on these occasions its helps my other 2 children to understand where she is. Hope this helps.

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nappyaddict · 22/02/2008 12:57

birthday card to put on his grave, thinking of you card to give to her.

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WallOfSilence · 22/02/2008 13:01

I wouldn't give a birthday card: How can he, or they have a 'happy' birthday.

I think I would go for the thinking of you card & maybe a phone call & a visit to his grave.

On my nephews birthday we placed a small toy car on his grave.

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Habbibu · 22/02/2008 13:01

It's tough, to be honest. A card on the birthday, yes. A birthday card? I think I wouldn't have minded, actually. My daughter had lots of happy birthday messages on SANDS on her first birthday, and I really liked them, but lots of people would not. Perhaps, as NAB says, thinking of you cards for both days, and then ask her a few weeks later how she thinks she would have felt about a birthday card, so you'll know for future years.

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captainmummy · 22/02/2008 13:09

I would have thought a birthday was celebrating another year of life - so I wouldn't send one. A 'thinking of you' is much more appropriate surely?

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Twiglett · 22/02/2008 13:12

without question the thinking of you card

a helium balloon is a nice idea too

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HellieM · 22/02/2008 13:43

I would be touched by anyone remembering when my daughter was born or died. I couldn't bear birthday cards on my daughter's grave as it wasn't a "happy" birthday as such. A thinking of you card on both occasions is so thoughtful.

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nappyaddict · 22/02/2008 13:44

you can get happy birthday rememberance cards. i think that would be the best thing plus a balloon.

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HellieM · 22/02/2008 14:19

Not seen those cards but they would be appropriate if they are unworded. Losing an older family member/friend is not the same as losing a baby/child so the message would have to reflect that I suppose.

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nappyaddict · 22/02/2008 14:36

afaik you can get different ones with different verses to suit younger/older people.

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merlotmama · 22/02/2008 16:49

The day would have been the baby's birthday but it can never be, because he's not here anymore.

Therefore a birthday card, which celebrates life and wishes many happy returns, is totally inappropriate, IMO.

A 'Thinking of you' card, on the other hand, is just the ticket, because that is exactly what you are doing.

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HellieM · 22/02/2008 19:29

I disagree with you merlotmama. The day is still the baby's birthday as far as I'm concerned whether alive or not. It just isn't appropriate to call it a Happy Birthday.

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Habbibu · 22/02/2008 22:54

I agree, Hellie. One of the hardest things for me about losing a baby is that people (because they don't know what to do) almost try to forget the baby's existence, which you wouldn't do with someone who had died later in life.

As a parent you're acutely aware of missing those milestones, and wonder, "what would she be like now", so I think the birthday card is appropriate. That said, everyone's reaction to losing their own child is unique, and that makes it very hard to "get it right". You can just do the best you can, and usually the fact that you've thought it through means you'll make a good choice.