Sorry to all those who have been sooo good to me for not posting - but this is the first time I have felt strong enough to post since before Christmas

[Mummy2TandF]

Firstly thank you so much to all of you who sent me little thing to try to help me through Christmas, it still means so much to me that I have friends on mn who care.
I am sorry I haven't posted for ages but I really haven't felt up to it - have been in a bit of a pit and have been struggling to pull myself out of it really, tbh if I didn't have the dc's I think I might be with Craig right now ..... Where do I start? My Christmas was hossible but I didn't let it spoil ds's excitment, I thought he was going to burst - it's the first year he has really "got" it and he did in a big way, we spent 2 days at my mums and my nan has an annex there, so I was able to take myself off into there when things got a bit much for me, we came home boxing day and I was frantically trying to arrange something to do New Years Eve (I think I mentioned on previous thread that all rl friends had thigs planned) - I did go out with my old next door neighbour but fell to pieces at 12am ... 45 mins later could still not pull myself together so came home I was worse than at Christmas but I think it was because NYE is always more of an adult thing. Enough about all of this - opinions please ..... PIL have not seen the dc's since before Christmas (a while before) and have not sent them a card or any pressies, that is not the issue really I just want the dc's to see them. I have called a few times and MIL said they were having trouble with their car and that if I wanted the gifts I would have to go to them and as dd had a cold they didn't want to see us until she was better - I have just found out that they have been up here visiting BIL's girlfriend who is in hospital with sickness bug .... The hospital is on the same road as our house just 15 mins further on .... She didn't want to see us because dd has a cold but can visit a hospital ffs and the car is obviously not that bad. I have not said anything but am really and I know that Craig would be livid - advice on what to do next please? Sorry for mammoth post.

[CarGirl]

good to see you posting again. Sorry Christmas and NYE was so horrid for you I don't know the history of what your relationship was like with the PILs before Craig died, have you posted about it before? Could be frank with them and tell them that they are ds' only biological link with his Dad and he would be really good for him if they would be able to spend time with him frequently? In future don't ever mention that he's unwell unless he really is seriously infectious with something awful. Is it a possiblity that emotional they struggle to cope with seeing you and ds (ie the fact Craig died staring them in the face)?

[RubySlippers]

i would be cross about this in my PIL never mind in your situation

do you feel strong enough to talk to them about it?

FWIW, i think if you can, you should - have someone with you when you do it

i am not sure what else to say - NYE sounds hard for you - milestones like this always will be

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[Mummy2TandF]

CarGirl - relationship with PIL was okay before all of this although Craig's whole family have never been what you would call close, his mum is a harsh lady and Craig had said only a few weeks before he died that he had had enough of her behaviour I have tried to reason that it is too hard for them to see us, but they can come when they want something .... tbh it's hard for me every second of everyday but I have to put the children first and I feel that they should care enough to at least try.

I was in mothercare today with the dc's and my mum and ds asked the lady behind the counter if she had any nails, she was a bit confused so he explained he needed nails for Daddy's tool box because there were some in there but they weren't the right ones .... the lady said, "well you will have to tell your Daddy that he needs to go out and buy the right nails then" and ds said "no" so the lady said "well you will have to ask Daddy if he hasn't got the right Nails" and ds said "no because Daddys is in heaven" The poor lady didn't know what to say or do, she looked at me and I was crying, so was my mum and in the end so was the poor lady - she kept saying sorry but it wasn't her fault, infact I was glad the ds could explain it to a stranger it made me feel that he does understand

[yurt1]

awww M2T&F I am a hard old cow and never cry on mumsnet, but your nails story.....

Your IL's sound dreadful I have a disabled child and we've had some problems with relations related to the disability and I found counselling really helpful as a way of understanding it wasn't to do with me, and there is probably nothing I can do about the extended family situation. Do you think it might be helpful for you? It sounds as if they're going to be an additional source of stress

[CarGirl]

Sadly I think you should perhaps write the PILs off accept you will hear from them when they want something and that is probably it. You have your children and your Mum concentrate on them and distance yourself from your PIL I think as yurt1 says they will be a source of pain and stress for you.

Sorry I wish I had something more positive to say.

[snowleopard]

Hi M2T&F, welcome back! You did it, you got through christmas and new year, and well done. The story about the lady in mothercare had me in tears but I can see how it helped in a way. Her reaction- crying and being sorry, engaging with the whole thing - is probably more what you need than what your PILs are doing. They sound as if they have always been a bit emotionally withdrawn and they really can't cope with this so they are finding excuses to back away. Try to see it as their problem not yours - but at the same time keep the doors open and keep inviting them to see your DC, so maybe they will become closer again when they're ready. It's not fair on you or your DC that they are being like this, it makes it harder for you but it must be their way of dealing with it and that may change over time.

[DutchOma]

So glad to see you posting. Well done for getting through it, as everybody has said. Did you not say that Craig has a brother? Could you have a word with him about his parents' attitude?
Otherwise, try to find some people round you that are a help to you, maybe Craig's parents will come round when they see you backing off a bit.

[lucy5]

Couldn't not post, the nails story was so moving. I wish you continued strength.

[anorak]

Thank goodness for your mum. Your PIL sound like very hard work, I wouldn't put too much effort into them if I were you. All the best for 2008, I hope your life begins to feel truly yours and the future something to look forward to again.

[kindersurprise]

So sorry that Christmas and NY was so difficult for you.

You should be getting the support you need from your ILs, so sad that they cannot offer you and your DCs that. Could you write them a letter explaining your feelings?

The nails story is heartbreaking

[Jackstini]

So glad to see you back and well done for making it through to the new year.
Nails story really got to me, bless your ds.
Sounds like PIL are just not coping well at the moment and although this is harsh, they make think seeing you and dc will put the loss of Craig more in their face.
Very unfair and am not impressed with their behaviour re lying about it but have never been in their position so can't judge.
Give her a call and ask when would be a good time, so you can all prepare.
(You could say it was a shame they didn't get chance to drop in when visiting x but it depends how you think they will take it?)
You are doing so well MTTAF, sure you will get lots more encouragement

[OverRated]

I'm glad you made it through Christmas and New Year, MummytoT&F. I think CarGirl is right - if you're up to it, explain to them that they are your DC's grandparents and that they want to see them. I know it will be hard for them to see the children but, as you said, it is hard for you every day. And for the children too.

I'm glad your mum is so supportive.

[ChristmasShinySnowflakes]

Welcome Back- you have really been on my mind so it's literally made my day to hear from you.

As for your PIL's .....do you think there's a chance that seeing you all reminds them of Craig and that they find this very painful?

I am not for a minute excusing their behaviour; merely trying to understand it. Perhaps when you feel strong enough you could try to write a letter expressing how much you would like them in your lives xxx

[Mummy2TandF]

Yes Craig does have a brother but he is too scared of MIL to ever say anything to her. I really would like to think that it is just hard for her, but it doesn't seem too hard for her to see us when she wants something - she has 5 children - 1 she hasn't spoken to for 10 years and hasn't seen the grandchildren either, another she hasn't spoken to for 6 years, or ever seen his child, Craig obviously, another child who lives in Cumbria, so she never sees her, or the grandchildren (and great-grandchild) and Craigs brother who wouldn't cross her.
I am desperate for the dc's to have a relationship with Craigs parents but I really don't want to keep phoning all the time, surely they should want to spend time with them

[Jackstini]

Yes they should MTTAF, and maybe they will soon. Just make the one call, ask them to let you know when it is convenient, then leave the ball in their court.
Deep breath, and have a lovely day with your dcs

[Buda]

The nails story had me in tears too. Bless your DS.

I'm afraid you can't make your ILs want to have a relationship with your DCs. It is sad but it will be more sad for them in the long term as they are the ones that will lose out. Your MIL doesn't sound very maternal and even Craig was having issues with her. It may actually be better that your DCs don't have too many expectations of them.

[mufti]

so glad you've posted, have thought of you over christmas.
keep people around you who are of comfort, if you can.
put yourself and dc's first. although i know they are your priority anyway.

[me23]

gosh that nails story had me in tears too. I'm sorry for your loss. Have you had any counselling yet? You have been very strong. It is sad about your inlaws, do you think maybe it might be that inlaws are not sure what to say to you and dcs so they are avoiding you?

[jezzemx]

Hello mummy2. I am so pleased you have posted. I've been thinking of you all alot over the christmas and new year time. I'm so sorry you have had a pretty bad time and well done for getting through it all. Your pil are not making it any easier on you, are they? I agree with jackstini, contact them and then leave the ball in their court. Hopefully they will come to their senses.
Big {{hugs}} to you and your beautiful DC x

[hazygirl]

im really glad you managed christmas and new year and so sorry that in laws are so crap, the nails story reduced to to tears, im so sorry its their loss you have two wonderful children ,keep your chin upx

[marmon]

Hi mummy2, Well done for surviving Christmas and what is worse like you say New year. I used to think i would rather be with Ray than carry on and then i would look at the children and imagine them completely alone and somehow i drew strength from the fact that they needed me. As for Craigs family well my pils have been great but Rays sister and brother have never bothered to come and see there nephew at all. His sister was obviously jealous of me for some bizarre reason and used to make snide comments to me whenever she could and as for his brother he was only interested when he thought in his head that he could get his feet under the table. Like i said before death brings out the best and worst in people. At the moment you want your children to see them as it is very early days but believe me in a couple of years if they still have not made the effort you will honestly feel indifferent to them and see it as there loss, which ultimately it is. I hope you can draw some comfort and strength from our words here at MN and as i said before try to get in touch with the WAY foundation, if you have done then i will shut up. Take care.xxx

[GColdtimer]

It always amazes me how awful people can behave in such tragic situations, I am really sorry to hear about your PIL. I am glad you made it through Christmas and new year. You survived your first one without Craig and that is a major achievement.

Can I just second Marmon's appeal for you to join the WAY foundation. My friend joined (her DH died in November) and although she hasn't participated in anything yet she has already been invited to coffee, dinner and a day out at a local farm with the kids (not that she has any dcs, but you get the idea). She has joined the forum and although she is still lurking she said she can see it is going to be of great help and support. When her membership came through she wanted to rip it into pieces as it is the club you never want to join but seeing names on the list of people of a similar age, circumstance actually gave her strength to see that other people go through awful things and they survive it.

I too will shut up about it now, but I really hope you do it. It costs £15 for a year's membership and if money is really tight, I would happily give it to you because I really think you need some additional real life support right now (graciegee at gmail dot com if you want anymore info).

Lots of hugs to you and your dcs. xx

[Mummy2TandF]

Hi everyone - sorry not posted for a while but am still struggling Here is my new post from this evening about the dc's

[Spink]

hello, I haven't been around for a while but have been thinking of you lots over the last few days and just wanted to pop in and say hello, and offer you a big cup of virtual tea and some really good biscuits. Hope you are looking after yourself. Your PILs are pants aren't they. You sound like you are dealing with them as well as you can - sounds like they have their own way of seeing the world, and trying to come against and change it would be so exhausting and emotional.
(haven't read your other thread about the dc's - will go there later. Right now ds has just woken up and by the smell he needs a new nappy. hurrah..)