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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

What 1 thing did people say to you?

71 replies

Donbean · 30/10/2004 16:34

I would just like to ask you all, what one thing that people said to you around your loss that sticks with you always?
I dont mean thoughtless comments, we can all recall those, i mean the one thing that some one said to you which hit a chord and profoundly meant something to you and that you will never forget.

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Tinker · 30/10/2004 17:25

Can't think of any particular comment but the fact that people said anything to me mattered. I remember who did and who didn't. Felt very disappointed with some people for not saying anything because they were "worried about me getting upset/didn't know what to say"

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DelGirl · 30/10/2004 17:35

ditto Tinker

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hana · 30/10/2004 17:38

sadly, I remember the insensitive and crass comments far more than the others

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Twiglett · 30/10/2004 17:46

I don't think there's any 'perfect' thing to say .. so much depends on how the bereaved person is feeling at that particular moment IMHO

so someone could say one thing at one time and you'd be touched yet an hour later it would be the wrong thing to say

I read your other post .. and my heart goes out to your friends .. I think you will be a fantastic support simply by trying to be there.

Just appreciate (as I am sure you know) that grief is not linear .. nor is it finite

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KateandtheGirls · 30/10/2004 17:47

My SIL who told me (and has told me several times since) how much my husband loved me and that I meant the world to him.

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PuffTheMagicDragon · 30/10/2004 17:58

spot on Twiglett about grief not being linear or finite.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I'll write it down anyway.

I was watching Sky news about a year after my Mum committed suicide and the Queen was on giving speech. She said something which sticks in my mind constantly (and I'm so surprised because she's not someone whose words I would normally bother to notice).

She said, "grief is the price we pay for love".

I'm in tears now thinking of those words, they struck a deep chord inside me.

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DelGirl · 30/10/2004 17:59

mine gives me the impression that she doesn't think I was good enough for DH but what does she know! Very stuck up SIL I have. others have said what a blessing we had found each other.

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Batters · 30/10/2004 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donbean · 30/10/2004 19:04

I cant tell you how sad that makes me feel, that you all mostly remember the awful things that people said to you.
I have some fantastic, supportive and very good close friends that we as a couple have had for many years, although none of them knew what to say to me they all ensured that we knew that they were there for us,even just a text message to say "thinking about you" meant so much to us.
I suppose i just want to say or do something to make every thing ok again for them. I do,desperately.
Dont you think though that some people just have a wonderful way with words, know what to say at the right time and mean what they say?
I wish that i was more like that.
its an awful overwhelming sadness.

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childmindersam · 30/10/2004 19:21

strangely it was a lady in the bed opposite me in hospital in Kent who said
"i know it doesnt feel like it at the moment but its happened for a reason and soon you will know what the reason is and it will help you!"
At the time it hurt when she said it cos i thought how can taking my baby away be good but sure enough i have set up my own buisness childminding which i would not have done if i had still been pregnant and also my dh has started a better job and my son has needed all my attention with starting school so now i can see how it may have happened for a reason and how it probably wasnt the best time to have my baby BUT it still hurts i dont have my baby and am ttc again cos feel now is a good time and things are right for us now.

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KateandtheGirls · 30/10/2004 20:07

Puff, that quote - grief is the price we pay for love - is on the Sep 11 memorial in Grosvenor Square in London. It's a beautiful sentiment.

Childmindersam, I had people say to me that there must be a reason for what happened to my husband, or god has a plan, and it does not make me feel in the slightest bit better, quite the opposite. Along with "he's in a better place now." I feel like responding "you mean a garbage dump in Staten Island"?

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Donbean · 30/10/2004 20:07

My husband said the very same thing to me when we eventually had DS. He said that if we had had those two babies, we now would not have ds, he was waiting to come. I am a firm believer that every thing happens for a reason, i just cannot for the life of me think of a reason for these people having their baby taken away from them, do you know what i mean?

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Donbean · 30/10/2004 20:10

Kateandthegirls, that sentiment was misplaced for you and very innappropriate, it does not apply and the person saying those things probably meant no ill feeling. But i know what you mean. Again, i am sad for the fact that you recall only awful things that were said to you.

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JoolsToo · 30/10/2004 20:21

KATG - I'm so shocked and saddened - I had no idea! I have no idea what to say - I have never been (thankfully) in that kind of situation - and can only send you my very best wishes - you must be a very strong lady.

I honestly think it depends on the individual and its hard for friends and relations to know what to say for the best. A friend of ours recently lost his wife to cancer. Our first call to him after Sarah's (not her name) cancer was diagnosed - we said to him that we knew they would be getting lots of calls and didn't want to upset them and they did ask if it was ok if they rang us with news of how her treatment was going - which of course was fine. Same after her death - he would start each conversation with a 'don't go there' - so you see what one person might want to hear another might not - all we can do is be there if we are needed.

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hmb · 30/10/2004 20:30

The best thing that anyone ever said to me was, 'I don't know what to say to you, I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but I don't want you to think that I haven't been thinking about you'.

KATG, I couldn't even begin to know what to say to you, or to understand how things are for you, but please know that I have been thinking about you and your great loss. Hugs.

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Dannie · 30/10/2004 21:30

A colleague of my late dp said 'Don't let anyone ever tell you what he would have wanted cos they don't know'.

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suedonim · 30/10/2004 21:37

I don't 'buy' the idea that there's a reason for awful things to happen. What reason was there for my MIL to lose 5 children? What possible reason was there for a friend to die of a brain tumour, a mum in her 20's to die of leukamia, a dear friend to committ suicide? I tend to the view that such happenings are life's random events, there is no rhyme or reason to most of them and we are unable to control them.

One of the loveliest things anyone has ever said to me is that one day the storm clouds will part and there will be blue sky and sunshine again.

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Donbean · 30/10/2004 21:51

You know, logically i understand what you are saying about not "buying" into the thought that things happen for a reason. However, at the time when DH said it to me it was the first thing that had made any sense to me about my losing 2 babies,it realy comforted me somehow. I cant explain, it was just right for me at that time and when i think about it now, i can cope with the sad thoughts.
I do not have a religion, i dont "buy" into religion at all, like you i think that these things would not happen if there were a God, but to many people it is comforting.
How do you find comfort then suedonim? what works for you?

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PuffTheMagicDragon · 30/10/2004 22:29

Gosh, I didn't know that Kate. I know the Queen said the words at a service in New York for British victims of 9/ll.

I will go to the memorial next time I'm in that part of London.

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Twiglett · 30/10/2004 22:32

One thing my father said to me that did help (but I think its because he's my father and of a definite generation) was 'This too will pass' .. he just said it with such simplicity and love that it lifted me up a little

(unfortunately it kind of means the same as 'time's a great healer' which is my pet abhorrence)

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sassy · 31/10/2004 06:44

My Irish grannie has a saying which echoes the one the queen used; "Tears are love's pearls". Never heard her use it until my mum died, but think it is lovely now.

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Ghosty · 31/10/2004 07:02

To be honest, the only thing anyone ever said to me that helped me come to terms with the loss of my baby was the reasons the doctor gave for my miscarriage. I am a very sentimental and emotional person and I needed hard facts to cling to or else I would have drowned in an ocean of 'Why me?'s and tears.
After he gave me all sorts of statistics about abnormalities and things he said very simply, "This is nature's way."
Another thing that helped me was the multitude of women, of all sorts of ages, who have looked at me and told me that they too have lost a baby. Miscarriage for me was a frightening and shocking experience (as it is for all women) and so when people have told me that they have been through it too you kind of develop a bit of a bond with that person.
Other things that helped me are things that came from within me ... That the baby I lost is now my angel looking over me (bit soppy I know) ... that it wasn't that baby's time ... and now (two years on) I feel that if I hadn't lost that baby I wouldn't have my beautiful DD now, and I can't imagine life without DD ...

I am sorry for your loss Donbean, and anyone else who has suffered ...

Hugs {{{}}}

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tigermoth · 31/10/2004 07:52

It was the random words of strangers that I remember the most. On the day of my mum's funeral, the weather was unusually sunny and frosty. I opened the front door of her house and the frost was glittering like I'd never seen it before. I postman was walking past and said to me 'what a beautiful morning'. Just thowaway words, but I'll never forget them.

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Titania · 31/10/2004 07:58

I remember only the bad things said when we lost our 3 babies. It hurt so much. Even when my dad died I had hurtful comments.........I have no nice comforting word to remember....

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tex111 · 31/10/2004 08:15

Strangely enough, it was something Nigella Lawson said in an interview that made sense to me and realy helped me accept our loss. She said that she was told one of the ways to get through grief was not to think of a life cut short, but to think of a life completed.

Another MNer also said something that has stuck with me, that even though (in my case) the pregnancies lasted a short time, they brought us a lot of happiness during that time. The losses also brought DH and I closer at a time when we had been busy with our lives and starting to grow apart. It helps me to think that those babies made a positive difference and brought some joy into the world even though their lives were so brief. Sometimes I think that perhaps that was their sole purpose and the baby that I'm meant to have is still waiting for the right time.