everything seems inappropriate to their loss and grief at losing a baby at 39+2, what can I send my friend?

[papaya]

thats it really x

I had no idea the rate of stillbirth was higher than cotdeath, and that its 1 in 200 births....how utterley devasting, I just can't think of anything worse and I just don't know what to do x

[ggglimpopo]

Go and see her.

[MissInvisible]

oh god, so sorry for them, n idea what to get, nothing will prob be wanted at minute unless they already have other chldren/jobs to do?, you could cook and freeze somethings for them, look after other children they have if any, ask her round and listen to her.poor things

[FloridaKbear]

I think just letting them know you are there, anytime, if they need you is enough in the early days. They will be numb with grief now but in a few days they might want to talk and it will be nice for them to know you are there. How sad.

[mamazon]

all your friend will want right now is to cry and know that she can.
my mum had to go trhough this and all she wanted was to know she wasn't alone.
go and visit, give her a hug and tell her over and over that it was not her fault and she could have done nothign to prevent this.

I am so very sorry for your friend.

[berolina]

Go and see her. Offer practical help if she wants/needs it. Say honestly that you don't know what to say but you are so dreadfully sorry and you are there for her. I have experienced a minuscule fragment of this grief in the shape of 3 mcs, and simple words of comfort were what I needed.

Be there in the longer term, too, when she may be feeling pressure to 'get on with her life' and her still very raw and real real grief and loss are fading from people's minds.

[greenday]

Make a meal (or several freezable ones, if you can) for them and bring it over.
They may be too distraught to think about groceries and meals. So bringing along the essentials would be very functional and appropriate.
She may not want visitors but she'll appreciate you dropping by.
So sorry for your friend.

[papaya]

I really want to ladies, its a 6 hr drive and I would drop everything to get over there x its just I am 19 weeks pregnant with a huge belly and I really dont know how she would feel deep down, maybe i am panicking too much and she'd be happy just to see me

[slim22]

So
I'm shocked to realise how m/c and stillbirths are much more common than we think! With my first pregnancy had no clue!

It's a tough one. She might be overwhelmed by the sight of your blossoming belly.
Still, if she's a close friend, do go if you can and offer practical help as advised.

My sister lost a baby to cot death and although she would often remain in her room or just go mute when visitors showed up, she still was greatly conforted by a full house, if only to create distraction for her husband and kids.

Also writting little notes/e-mails/cards regularly shows you care without being too much in her face if that's what you fear??
Becaue it's not just now, she's going to need support in the long run.

[Marie77]

We have been in similiar situation when our first son was born, our friends lost their son just days later, both had the same due date. I have to say there was a time when we didnt have any contact at all, for over a year but we now very slowly seem to rekindle our friendship. Even during the time we didnt speak, I send her cards on her sons anniversary.
Send your friend a card and let her know that you are there for her. Tell her that you are lost for words. Be prepared that she might resent you but continue to tell her you are there for her. She might not be able to react to it but she will be grateful that she has a friend in you. Remember her child, write down their birthday and acknowledge she is a mum. No other words of wisdom I am afraid, it is shocking how many parents loose their babies in the UK

[wishingchair]

I live far away from my family and old friends and I lost a baby at 19 weeks. Not the same by any stretch but devastating to us at the time. I was greatly greatly comforted by friends just texting me on a regular basis just letting me know they're there and thinking of me. I had a mountain of flowers delivered ... I wouldn't send flowers. Maybe a lovely candle. I had a lot of friends who were pg at the time and I hated the thought that they might try to avoid me, if I even sensed any awkwardness it upset me as it reminded me of why they were (quite reasonably) feeling uncomfortable ... for me, I could distinguish between their joy and my sorrow and still be happy for them but we're all different and my loss was a lot earlier than this. Can't imagine how they must be feeling. But agree with everyone else - don't hesitate to get in touch be it by letter, phone, text, etc. Remember the baby's birthday, remember mother's day is going to be extremely hard for her ... my sister-in-law sent me a little note which I really appreciated, and make sure you keep in regular contact with her and even if your pregnancy upsets her, let her know you are there whenever she wants and still keep in touch. Thinking of them x

[papaya]

thanks so much for all your advice ladies, these posts have really been very helpful xx