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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

remember ing a spouses parents

16 replies

codswallop · 20/10/2004 12:09

frined of mine finds her dh's mother death very hard to broach wiht him.It is the anniversary next weekend adn he is going to their home town a lone to spend some time with his siblings.

she has no idea whow to get him to talk about it without is sounding clumsy
any ideas?

OP posts:

Report

codswallop · 20/10/2004 12:12

.

OP posts:

beansprout · 20/10/2004 12:29

What is it she feels sounds clumsy? Does he find it difficult to talk about?
Pretty open questions can be good e.g. "how are you feeling about next weekend?" These things are never easy though.

zubb · 20/10/2004 12:31

some people just can't talk about these things, so her just telling him that she is there if he ever needs to talk about it would be best IMO. It is frustrating when someone won't open up to you though, so beansprouts idea could work. How long ago was it? Does he talk to his siblings about her at all?

codswallop · 20/10/2004 12:34

last year
is holidng it in a bit
feels she want to show him she cares 9i think

OP posts:

beansprout · 20/10/2004 12:36

My dp has lost both parents but mine are still here. Bottom line is that as supportive as I want to be, I don't actually know what it feels like. It's good that he is with his siblings though as they are of course, the people who understand more than anyone else. Appreciate it can feel difficult for your friend though.

zubb · 20/10/2004 12:37

men are crap at this though aren't they (sweeping generalisation alert), bottle it all up for ages and never deal with it. Not sure what to suggest TBH - does he just refuse to say anything when asked, or just say that he's OK? It may be easier to talk about it after the anniversary.

codswallop · 20/10/2004 12:42

they did find it very hard at the time too and think her dd feels still confused by it. thinkf riend is a littel nervous of mentiong i.
IT isnt me btw!
all out g parents stil up to no good.

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beansprout · 20/10/2004 12:44

It's hard isn't it? These things can take time and any anniversary is hard. It's also difficult when the person you are closest to doesn't turn to you. When dp got the call that his mum was terminally ill, he went to see his dd2 and, to cut a long story short, I heard about it from his ex-p who called a few hours later to see how he was (he hadn't got home yet). I was hurt to think he didn't want to immediately turn to me but I realised that hey, it wasn't about me and he dealt with it in the way he needed to at the time.

Boys can find this stuff bloody difficult though.

Issymum · 20/10/2004 12:48

Both DH's parents have died, his father in Summer 2001. Rather than bringing it up as a 'big talk' (the kind of thing that makes DH really uncomfortable), I try to talk about his father naturally. So we'll be trying to re-hang a door on a kitchen cupboard and I'll say "Do you remember the problems Jeff had with the cupboard doors when he built our kitchen in the old house?" or we'll watch a programme on building Victorian sewers and I might comment "Jeff would have loved that. I can just see him stomping around the sewers." It makes his father (whom I loved) seem present, remembered and loved, without making a big deal over it and it also gives DH the opening to talk about his death or missing him, which occasionally he wants to.

codswallop · 20/10/2004 12:54

thak you all
will fwd this to her

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Finbar · 20/10/2004 13:52

Thanks everyone who posted - it's me who Coddy posted about.

DH is quite a communicative type but it's me who doesn't know how to start the conversation and I'm not sure why.

Its a year since his mother died - it was sudden and not expected. He is palnning a day in her home town revisiting places and I jsut wanted to offer some sort of support.

Feel quite emotional myself which doens't help.

codswallop · 20/10/2004 13:53

because you sare scared of the reponse?
tears anger?

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puddle · 20/10/2004 13:57

Finbar - why don't you chat through what he's going to do on the visit and which places he's going to see? Presumably they are places which have memories for him of his mother and that might lead naturally to him talking about her. Or ask him how his siblings are feeling about the visit/ anniversary of her death which might give you the opportunity to ask if he's feeling the same?

puddle · 20/10/2004 13:58

Finbar - do you feel he's shutting you out doing this visit alone with siblings? Do you feel you've had time to grieve for her too or have you had to support your dh?

spacemonkey · 20/10/2004 13:58

maybe just tell him that you want to bring the subject up but you're apprehensive about doing so, tell him how you're feeling and that you want to be supportive but not sure what he wants/needs from you?

Finbar · 20/10/2004 17:59

Maybe I do feel a bit shut out - but kinda feel I deserve it for not talking about it more.
WIll defiinitley have a chat tonight.
Wish I knew why I felt so apprehensive - it seeems a bit pathetic.

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