Should I contact my bereaved friend?

[sassy]

I don't know her all that well tbh; she's one of the Mums at dd's weekly singing group and our relationship has never really progressed beyond the pleasant chat over coffee while kids are playing.
Her dh was killed in a road accident about 2 weeks ago (I found out by reading it in local paper). I sent a card last week and enclosed a note saying if there was anything I could do etc to get in touch. I didn't expect to hear yet, cos the funeral was only on last Friday, but I feel very keen that she knows my words were true, not just glib things people say in such cards.
I thought I'd leave it another week, then send a text suggesting a coffee. If no response, it's her ds's 2nd birthday in Nov so will send a present, and if no response again, wil leave it.
What do people think?

[Tessiebear]

I think you should give her a ring. I dont think anyone would be hurt or offended at a genuine and caring friend offering support. A lot of people will avoid her because they "dont know what to say" so i am sure she could do with a friendly call

[albert]

OMG how awful for her! I think you are doing the right thing though and yes I think I would go and see her, maybe take some food you have prepared (a quiche, a pie, a casserole that sort of thing) as I doubt that she is up to cooking much. Perhaps you could offer to take her DS to the singing group so she can have some 'time out' for herself.

[acer]

Give her a ring, from experience, I was very relieved when friends called me its good to know that people are thinking about you.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

I think sending a text in a few days would be a really good idea, perhaps inviting her over to yours. She may really appreciate a break out of her home, but may not be up to a cafe etc.

She can think about your offer and respond in her own time.

After a funeral, is time when people really need support.

[MummyToSteven]

i think you are doing the right thing. i wouldn't just leave it after her ds's birthday if you don't get much of a response - 6 weeks or so after a major bereavement is a very short time comparatively for her to start coming to terms with it - i would maybe leave if after that for month or so send a text, then maybe try again in another month, and then again, just to try and keep the door open for socialising/chatting when she feels ready

[sassy]

Thanks for you advice. It is difficult to know what to do really. I don't want to put her under any pressure but do want her to know i care.
The time after the funeral is the worst ime; before then it feels unreal, then it starts to sink in.And all the initial sympathy can seem to ebb away then too - i desperately don't want my friend to be in this situation.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

Whichever way you chose, DEFINITELY get in touch. The reason I suggested texting is down to how I felt after losing someone in sudden, tragic circumstances. I couldn't speak to anyone on the phone apart from close relatives, as I couldn't stay composed on the telephone, but I REALLY appreciated people writing to me, texting etc and when I was ready, I got in touch.

[Marina]

Agree with Puff that a text or e-mail can be easier for a bereaved person to handle initially. NOT because you are avoiding contact, but because you just feel such a washout losing your composure over the telephone all the time, and you can answer a written message when you feel ready without feeling impolite.
I think your moves to stay in touch will mean a lot to her Sassy, what a tragic thing to happen.

[bundle]

if you do go round, just take something like a bottle of milk or a nice packet of biscuits and say oh i wasn't stopping, just thought i'd drop these off, in case it's obvious that your presence isn't yet required.

[DelGirl]

I would say definitely text her but don't be upset if she doesn't reply, not saying that you would of course. I didn't really see or speak to many people at all for about 6 weeks after my DH died but that's just me. I knew he was dying and although it was still an enormous shock, probably not as shocking as a sudden death so difficult to guage.

[winnie1]

People often avoid the bereaved. Make contact but don't take it personally if your efforts are ignored.

[sassy]

Thanks for your responses. I agree with people who said text/email, cos they don't put people under pressure to reply if they don't want to. I will send her a text today.

[mummysurfer]

could you offer to take her ds to the singing group?

[JoolsToo]

my opinion - for what its worth - is to leave well alone - by your own admission you are not THAT close friends. You've done the right thing in sending a card and a note and you should leave it at that until she contacts you. She has all the people around her that she needs at the moment and thats not to denegrate your offer of help - but I know from experience that people need a lot of time before they can 'face the world' again - just be there if she calls you.

[sleeplessmumof2]

Sorry to contradict but know one can know whether this poor lady has ENOUGH or the RIGHT people around her at this awful time for her and her family. Offers of help, be it explicit or vague can only make her feel at least thought and cared for. I personally found comfort from people trying to help me ( i ignored most for a long time) but i really appreciated the care. One kind kind person left a large Sheperds Pie on my door step one day, which i found amazing it was just such a relief to not think about food that night and i thought it was an incredibly helpful thing to do. Also its amazing how you really really do remember the people that avoid you or ignore you, i re-evaluated quite a few friendships following bereavement, both clearing those i did not respect and giving back to those that i did!!!

Hope it helps and my admiration goes to you for caring enough to put this much effort in, keep going!!!!

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

Sleeplessmumof2 - what a brill person that was to quietly leave a shepherds pie on your doorstep.

[KateandtheGirls]

I agree 100% with texting or emailing. It took me a long time before I felt up to answering the phone after my husband died. You don't want to be pushy, of course, but don't give up on her. I think the idea of food is a good one. One night a few weeks after my husband's death someone bought over a full dinner for me and dd and it was so appreciated. (I didn't even know the person - it was someone from a local church.) The biggest help you might be able to offer is to offer to watch her son for a morning or afternoon. Maybe suggest it from the point of view of your daughter wanting someone to play with.

[doobydoo]

albert and mummysurfers idea is a good one.
V sad situation.Important to be there when initial high levels of support drift away also.
Good Luck.you sound very nice!

[sassy]

Well, I have texted her, this a.m. and she has got back to me basically saying that she isn't ready yet but thanks for contact anyway. I texted her back to say I totally understood and that I was thinking of her. Will leave it there for a week or two, I think, then text her again, suggesting a playdate for her ds and my dd.
One of the reasons I feel the need to make my support obvious is that her family live 100+ miles away, and I'm worried she could feel quite isolated. Also, I was disappointed by a number of people I thought of as good, reliable friends when my Mum died as they backed off big style, and I'd hate to think of my friend sitting alone, thinking people round here don't care about her.
Thanks for all comments here - you've helped me to decide on what seems right action.

[zeebee]

What a good friend you are sassy, i think your approach is spot on. You have summed up my experience too when my mum died, though of those that backed off a bit I think it was more due to inexperience of how to behave. And a casual friend has since become a very good one as she made an effort to keep in touch. Sometimes I think it's also easier to be with more casual friends in this situation as there is more space with them and less shared memory and hence less pressure in a weird kind of way, if that makes any sense at all!