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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I had a termination 2 weeks ago & feel such sadness and guilt. How can I ever get over this?

34 replies

becaroo · 09/04/2007 10:53

I am sorry if by posting this here I have offended anyone...I didnt know where else to post or get help.
I have a chronic health condition which can make life pretty difficult at times but we wanted another baby (my dh and I have a 3.5 year old ds) and I became pregnant in feb and was over the moon. I was grinning non-stop for 2 days! I started thinking of names, looking at prams etc...all the silly things you do.
Then my illness asserted itself and I became very ill very quickly. I was to all intents and purposes bedridden. It was an awful time...my dh was working full time, looking after a sick wife and trying to take care of a demanding toddler. My son was getting very distressed too and I would hear him downstaris crying for me but I wasnt strong enough to get down the stairs. After a while of this we decided I should have a termination. This happened in my first pregnancy too 6 years ago and, like then, it seemed the sensible thing to do. I refused sedation for the proceedure as I felt I should feel the pain. There was a nice nurse who held my hand. At first I felt relieved that I was feeling better and able to function again. But 2 weeks on and I am so very sad and feel so guilty I do not think I will ever get over it. The baby was so very wanted and I feel like such a failure. All I want is to be a good wife and mother and I cant because my stupid body lets me down. I havent even cried yet.....I suppose I dont feel like I have the right to grieve. I am not sleeping and am being horrid to my poor dh who must think he is married to a madwoman. Please tell me what to do.

OP posts:

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lulumama · 09/04/2007 10:56

let yourself grieve and cry

then you can start to process this and rebuild things...

that you feel like this...sounds like you made a tough but pragmatic decisions, and the right decision for you and your family...

are you getting help with your chronic condition ?

dizietsma · 09/04/2007 11:28

There are message boards on www.afterabortion.com that are full of lovely women who understand how you feel, I recommend them.

Quootiepie · 09/04/2007 11:37

Hello,
Firstly {{hugs}}}

I had a termination and bitterly regret doing it, but the main part of "moving on" is allowing yourself to grieve. I too felt I had no right, and storing it all inside isn't going to make it go away. I am still at that stage, but, please do not feel you have no right to grieve {{hugs}}

xxxxxxxxxxx

Uki · 09/04/2007 23:44

Becaroo

You poor hun, You have had a hard time with the sickness and the termination. What a combination. You need to get your health back and then you can work on your emotional state. Are you able to get out now, maybe do some park time with ds or something fun for him.

You do have the right to greive, you were thinking of your family.My grandmother had a termination as she was told to by the doctor because she had turburcosis, she found it very had as she did get better.

I'm sure there are also others in your situation.

Your dh is probably greiving too, maybe you need a good cry together.

izzybiz · 10/04/2007 08:21

I had a termination because i wasnt physically fit enough to carry another pregnancy, i felt relief at first too, my Dd was only 3 months old at the time!
After a while the guilt started, and the "what ifs" will always be thete to an extent, but you will come through this and realise that you only did what you felt was right at the time. That was all you could do.
These feelings will fade with time, but let yourself greive, you have every right to, good luck.x

becaroo · 10/04/2007 15:49

Thank you so much for all your messages.
I was very low last night and had a little cry but I still feel that I just dont have the right to.
My dh is being great, but really doesnt know what to say - I think he is worried about saying the wrong thing.
Feeling physically low too. Still bleeding after 2 and half weeks so will go to the docs at the end of the week if it hasnt stopped.
I just wish things were different but I know that wishing wont make it so.
Thank you again xx

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FurryFox · 12/04/2007 19:35

Beca - I have only just seen this. I am so so so sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are ok and my thoughts are with you.xx

becaroo · 12/04/2007 19:50

Hello furry.
I have to be honest, I was dreading the thought of you read my post.....I thought you would hate me. Thank you so much for your message. Still feel very low, but the posts on here have really helped.
Physically still not great but much better than I was.
Hope you are doing OK - am keeping fingers crossed for you xx

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FurryFox · 13/04/2007 17:17

beca - I would never hate you or think any less of anyone for the choice they have to make. I can't imagine what you are going through but it's obviously very difficult and I wish you all the best. To be honest I only found this thread as looked in the ante-natal to see how you were getting on and couldn't see you so searched your name and came up with this.

I felt so sad to read your post, not only because of what you have been through but because you are just so brave and an amazing person to put yourself through what you have. I hope time eases your pain and you begin to feel better soon.

Probably not the right thread to post this on but just want you to know that I got a positive on Tuesday and am due around 17th December.

Thinking of you sweets.xx

GamePointGary · 13/04/2007 17:19

becaroo, I am so sorry love xx it seems you had no choice though. Do try and get some counselling though as you shouldnt blame yourself at all

becaroo · 13/04/2007 18:54

Oh furry!! Thats fabulous news! Am so happy for you.....hope you have a smooth pregnancy. A christmas baby...lovely.
Thank you very much for your posts, and you too gary.
I havent cried yet. I know I will at some point and I have a bad feeling it will be in the middle of tesco or something. I know I made the right decision for me and my family and theoretically that should make it easier, but it doesnt.
Keep in touch furry and let me know how you are doing xx

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OrvilleRedenbacher · 13/04/2007 18:55

oi becca

good article in the tiems today abotu saint caitlin of moran who had a termination
give s aa different slant to it

OrvilleRedenbacher · 13/04/2007 18:57

abortion why its the ultimate motherly act
im sure htis will help

becaroo · 13/04/2007 19:13

Thanks orville....I read this article with interest today.
I am not sure I agree with all her points (I think her comment about the kitchen worktops was ill advised, however truthful).
I am glad for her sake she has no sadness or guilt about it - nor should she - but I do and I suppose that is what I am struggling with.
She is a very brave woman and I hope her article provokes proper debate and not just give amunition to the pro life lobby.

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FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:44

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FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:48

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WideWebWitch · 13/04/2007 19:48

Why should you have felt the pain? Why should you feel guilty? It wasn't your fault and it doesn't sound as if there was any other choice really, you were ill. It's fair to feel sad and it's understandable that you are feeling so but please, don't be hard on yourself, it doesn't sound as if you have anything to feel guilty about.

You are allowed to grieve you know. Poor you.

WideWebWitch · 13/04/2007 19:49

Can you find someone to have some counselling with about this? Because it seems so unfair that you think you should feel guilty when it so sounds like you shouldn't.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:51

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beansprout · 13/04/2007 19:51

You poor thing, what a difficult decision you have had to make. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. Don't sit in judgement of your feelings, as that will only make it worse. You made the best decision for you and your family but now you need to grieve. Give yourself time and take any support available to you. You don't have to work through a harder version of this just to punish yourself.
I wish you well.

becaroo · 13/04/2007 19:56

Thank you. I am really touched by all your messages of support.
icod, I agree with you - I think I should feel sad for a while. Its a shame about the kitchen worktop thing...that is all any of the right wing press will be talking about tomorrow, instead of the actual point of the article!
WW...I think part of my grief about this is that there is always a choice. I made mine and that is what I have to come to terms with.
Perhaps it is still early days yet?

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becaroo · 13/04/2007 19:57

icod...I have a morbid fear of flip flops!

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FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:57

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 13/04/2007 19:58

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becaroo · 13/04/2007 20:00

oh, you are all so lovely....am off to scour the wardrobe for summer shoes. Do mules count?

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