What is normal?

[MySkin]

My sister, whom I loved beyond words, has died in her 20s, unexpectedly.

I'm nearly 2 weeks in and this is so different from what I expected. I feel like a freak.

I've had times of the expected gut-wrenching sadness, but also times of feeling absolutely nothing - no sadness, no fear, nothing. And times of feeling weirdly happy, even though I still know what's happened.

And the thing that is freaking me out the most is that my body feels weirdly sore and achy, in a way I just can't describe. It feels like this even when I feel "fine" emotionally.

Is it normal? It's all so strange.

Thank you in advance.

[Whatabloodyidiot1]

I could have written your post myskin. My mum died two weeks ago (today) it was completely unexpected and very sudden. I have screamed and cried and felt overwhelmed but mostly it just feels surreal, like I have seen it happen but I don't quite believe it. Like I'm watching myself on tv.
I have had the physical symptoms too, aching across the top of my shoulders and the backs of my thighs especially. I feel permanently exhausted. But mostly I feel nothing. Just numb really, I get through the days because I have to (I have 2 children) I keep waiting for it to 'hit' me but I don't know if it ever will?
I have read that feeling numb is your brains way of protecting itself from trauma, you can only deal with so much at once, it's particukatky common if a death is unexpected.
I'm just trying to be kind to myself at the moment. Get through each day, there doesn't seem to be a pattern as such.

[MySkin]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, Whata.
I also have 2 kids and am going through the motions, waiting for something to "hit". The physical pain is so strange-feeling. For me, it's almost like flu, but I don't have flu. I very much recognise what you say about surrealness. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching it on a film rather than living it.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

I'm so sorry for both your losses..it's shit....the flu like feeling is exactly what I had for a while...the 'film' like feeling I had in spades and my cruse counsellor said that that was very normal and the bodies way of processing everything... My kids ate a lot of takeaway food for a few weeks...hugs

[LuckyBitches]

This sounds very familiar to me OP. I lost my brother 2 years ago. It's a rollercoaster in the early stages. I think it's something to do with hormones that crying releases (completely unscientific view, btw!). I remember feeling quite happy sometimes. Just let whatever wants to happen, happen. It's just not possible to feel that intensely sad all the time - it would break us.

[alazuli]

OP I can relate to this feeling of being weirdly happy. It happened right after my mum died but it was more this feeling of 'oh, the worst thing in the world has happened and i'm still here and functioning and not a complete basket case, yes!'.

don't feel like you're being a freak. it's only 2 weeks so you're bound to be all over the place. i think at the beginning these feelings of numbness are there to protect us from the sadness and depression to come. it will hit you, it's only really hitting me now and it's been 6/7 months.

sorry for your loss xx

[MySkin]

Thank you all for the posts, and making me feel less freakish. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.