James, my boy.

(20 Posts)
darumafan Sat 19-Nov-16 08:02:43

I wrote about James when he died. My username was mumof2teenboys then. It's his birthday today, he would have been 27 years old. It has been 4 years since he died, he committed suicide after a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I've been sitting here since 4am this morning crying, proper tears and nose running crying.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting but it hurts, my beautiful boy isn't here. He is never going to walk through the door again. He is never going to tell me what is going on his world. He is dead and gone, he made a decision and we have to live with it but it was the wrong decision. We love him and miss him, we need him.
He taught me everything I know about love, he taught me how to be an adult. We grew up together, we learned from each other. He gave me a purpose and a reason to be a better person. He gave me so much, he humbled me with his beauty and his intelligence.
He was funny and loving, he was clever and strong. He was angry and scared, he was hurtful and sad. He was my heart and my everything.
Why does it hurt so much this birthday? When do the tears stop falling so frequently? Do they ever stop falling?

Jenijena Sat 19-Nov-16 08:09:25

flowers for you

It hurts because you love him. I have no idea if the tears ever stop falling, but I'm so so sorry that you and James went through this

BikeRunSki Sat 19-Nov-16 08:09:31

I'm so sorry. He sounds wonderful. I'd be proud of him too. I'm a big believer in crying, I would carry on as much as you need. flowers

FenellaMaxwell Sat 19-Nov-16 08:13:29

flowers for you.

It will always hurt and there will always be tears, but as the years go by I find I remember the people I have lost more by the things that made me smile than anything else - it does get easier. Never goes away, but gets easier.

wtffgs Sat 19-Nov-16 08:15:58

I'm so sorry. flowers

I lost a relative to suicide. He had bipolar. It's so cruel. I can't begin to imagine your pain.

BroomstickOfLove Sat 19-Nov-16 08:16:36

I'm so sorry. flowers

He sounds like such a lovely young man. Bipolar disorder is such a fucking horrible illness.

SoupDragon Sat 19-Nov-16 08:27:05

I remember your original thread.

flowers

SilverNightFairy Sat 19-Nov-16 08:34:35

So sorry for the loss of your boy. I'm sure all the memories are flooding back. You gave birth to a gorgeous son and now he is gone. I imagine the pain is gut wrenching. Be easy with yourself today. Do what feels right to you to honour his memory. I will be thinking about you and James..xx

OohhThatsMe Sat 19-Nov-16 17:04:44

I remember your original thread, too, and the very moving way you spoke of him. Of course you're upset today - the memories of other birthdays and the day he was born must be overwhelming. Take care of yourself and make sure you're with others who loved him.

flowers

endofthelinefinally Sat 19-Nov-16 17:15:39

I am so, so sorry darumafan. It is the worst pain imaginable.
It is almost 3 months since I lost my older son. It will be his birthday in January. He would have been 28.
All I can do is share your tears and send you my love.

saranuff Tue 22-Nov-16 22:16:21

I remember your tale. I remember your James. I'm sure lots of mumsnetters do.

There are so many heartbreaking life episodes that we read about here and I often wonder how people can cope with the sadness. But they do. But it's hard.

whatwoulddexterdo Tue 22-Nov-16 22:22:07

Sorry but I do not remember your original post but my heart goes out to you. As the mother of two sons I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. No help to offer but couldn't read and run. Please try and look after yourself. Once we mother we open ourselves up to pain. I hope things get easier in time xx

glitterandtinsel Tue 22-Nov-16 22:27:36

Can you get bereavement counselling? I think suicide is harder to come to terms with. Your poor boy. I have just the depression and have been suicidal, so I can understand that side. Crying is really healthy and a way to come to terms with what happened.
Lots of love for you.flowers

teaandakitkat Tue 22-Nov-16 23:36:34

I have a James too.
I am so sorry your James died.

Sending you love xx

darumafan Thu 24-Nov-16 09:02:46

Thank you for listening, and thanks for remembering James. I spent Saturday in a reflective mood, lots of happy memories. He was such a lovely little boy who grew up to be a good friend, a loving son and devoted brother. He loved his friends and would have given them the shirt off his back. He couldn't see why we all loved him because he couldn't love himself.

He didn't deserve what happened to him, he was scared and couldn't help himself. We couldn't help him, we couldn't save him.

My beautiful, blue eyed boy. My love for him is infinite and stronger than me.

DollyPlastic Sat 26-Nov-16 23:01:49

I remember you, and your lovely son, James flowers

usual Sat 26-Nov-16 23:06:30

I remember your James, Nothing I can say will comfort you. flowers for you and your lovely son.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 26-Nov-16 23:08:35

I'm so sorry to read this. I have a little 3 year old DS who is also James and your post had touched me greatly.

What a lovely boy your James sounds; a son to be very proud of.

I know there is nothing I can say to help but I hope you can keep talking on here - there's always someone to listen flowers

BakeOffBiscuits Sat 26-Nov-16 23:10:09

I remember your original thread and Jamesflowers

It must never make sense to anyone who loved him and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

CambridgeReject Sun 27-Nov-16 23:01:31

flowers He sounds like a wonderful person.

My brother was a James. He also died by suicide from severe depression. This was only 1 month ago. He was 29.

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