Feelings all over the place. Just need to offload

(8 Posts)
bigoldbird Mon 31-Oct-16 18:30:27

My mum died at the end of September. We lived on opposite sides of the country until my Dad died six years ago. It became obvious that she was in the early stages of dementia so we moved her to sheltered accommodation to be near me, and I looked after her with increasing amounts of help from carers until she took to calling me out a couple of times a night to take her to the loo. As I work full time and have 4 children that couldn't go on, so about five weeks before she died she moved to residential care.

During this time my siblings would visit when they could, which for my sister was twice in the last year, for day visits. I am not actually worried about that, she has her own difficulties to contend with.

As a bit of background, my parents were comfortably off and encouraged us to get a good education. My siblings were sensible and worked hard, now have extremely comfortable retirements. I was a bit of a rebel and eloped at 18. Ended up by getting divorced (much frowned on by the family) but have what i consider a nice life with lovely new husband. Not wealthy, but enough to pay the bills, run a car and go on holiday every year.

The funeral was last week. She died unexpectedly so the coroner was involved and it took some time.

Mum was 95 so not many people of her generation left, so a small service followed by a wake for about 20 people.

At the wake nobody had much to do with DH and me which I thought nothing of at the time, though he did comment on it.

Today I feel really upset. The rest of my extended family are what you might call the metropolitan socialist elite. I posted something on Facebook (I know) and the comments they have left have made me feel like they all look down their noses at me and think I am stupid and unable to understand what is going on in the world.

I have been crying on and off all day to think that they all laugh and sneer at me.

I am the youngest in the family by far, even though I am in my fifties and as a child I was always really happy when they came to visit. I have felt like that all my life and was looking forward to seeing them all.

Now i think they probably just laugh at me.

I am pretty sure this is some bizarre form of grief but I would rather just cry for my Mum, which I haven't done yet.

This is probably a bit incoherent but it has helped just to write it all down.

If you are still reading, thank you.

BackforGood Mon 31-Oct-16 18:52:04

First of all, I'[m very sorry for your loss.
IME, it is this time, in the weeks after the funeral, that you do most of your grieving. The rest of the world goes back to 'normal' and you want to scream and shout 'I've lost my Mum'. As such, the tears, and the upset are almost certainly to do with that, and not anything to do with your perceived slight on FB.
You need to give yourself time. Remember that 'being angry' is a very normal stage of grief too - you will be, but so will your siblings. Just try to give each other a bit of space and time and understanding and don't read too much into anyone's comments while you are all so raw.

bigoldbird Mon 31-Oct-16 19:25:57

Thank you so much for your speedy reply. I know what I am feeling is nonsense. I have had a really good sob, which has helped enormously, and received such a nice e-mail from my sister. I know she doesn't sneer at me behind my back, she would do it to my face if she was going to.

I know it is early days and I have to go through this, but I don't want to. I just want my beautiful, maddening mum.

mylaptopismylapdog Mon 31-Oct-16 20:16:51

Sorry for your loss, I agree with Back that this is a horrible period and you are bound to feel her loss acutely. As you did such a good job in making sure that you Mum was well looked after in her final years this is bound to hit you hard she was really present in your day to day life. Like me you are the youngest and your siblings sound like mine, they have always been amused by me as the youngest and seem to find it difficult to recognise me fully as an adult sometimes.This is annoying and hurtful at times but I have come to realise it is their problem, but please ignore, it they are probably all over the place themselves. You have taken good care of your Mum and she would want you to be kind to yourself and and enjoy your own family. My Mum loved baking cakes so that is something that reminds me of happy times with her, maybe you have a similar thing that might help. xx

Darwinisafish Mon 31-Oct-16 20:32:08

Hello op, firstly sorry for your loss, sounds like you really cared for your mum in her final years, and that is to your credit.

My mum died 5 months ago, it is really hard. Two things come to mind, when the second parent dies, siblings have to figure out new relationships with each other, even if you all have gotten along in the past, losing the "hub" so to speak can cause relationships to drift and it takes work.

I am also the youngest. Once the youngest always the youngest...sometimes it is hard to be listened to or taken seriously and I am in my 40's!!! I'm glad you've been in touch with your sister, when we are grieving everything is magnified, people ( including siblings) can be thoughtless, remember they are grieving too and sometimes extra allowances must be made. Take care.

bigoldbird Sat 12-Nov-16 16:08:36

Another bad day. I am so angry all the time. I don't want to be angry. DH is getting it today. This is again nonsense but I have to off load it somewhere.

I was thinking this morning about the differences in the way my siblings and I were brought up. This is going to sound awful because I actually had a very happy childhood in spite of stuff. But all families have their peculiarities. Between the birth of my sister and I my Mum got God in a big way. I spent Sundays at church and my social life revolved around church. I hated it but obviously those I mixed with were iin the same boat. It was only a couple of years ago I found out that my siblings didn't spend all their time at church. That makes me cross.

When I was a teenager I did all the decorating at home. My Mum and Dad just wouldn't do it. I now hate decorating but can't afford to pay someone so if it needs doing I do it. What was so bloody special about my Mum that she couldn't do it herself? Why did I have to do it? I have spent all my life looking after other people who I now realise were perfectly able to look after themselves. No one looks after me.

If I voice any of this I get told off for being snappy.

I am 55, I think I am allowed my feelings. They are as valid as everyone else's. Why am I never allowed to express my feelings. I want to scream and cry but just get told off.

I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel sad but I am so bloody angry all the time.

Loosechange1 Sat 12-Nov-16 18:37:48

Being angry sounds reasonable. Part of the adjustment seems to be taking stock of what was, and accepting some parts weren't great will be an aspect of that.

You might feel angry now, but I think that's better than kidding yourself everything was perfect, then later feeling resentful and having to work out why.

I suspect part of your anger is at your loss, and that you can no longer say these things to your mother, but as I feel justified in being angry whatever and deny it is connected to the grief I will offer you the same option.

As a further note, I am also a family peace keeper, and over the past six months have been occasionally calling people on what they say rather than ignoring it. It quite satisfying to grumpily say No, I'm not being unreasonable to think/say this, and watch the surprise. Give it a go, I dare you.

bigoldbird Sat 12-Nov-16 23:58:04

Thank you, I just need to know I am not mad or unreasonable. smile

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