Stillborn and regrets

[Jasmina123]

It happens ten years ago, 25/09/2006
I know it has been long time, but it is still hurting my heart.
My baby was stillborn at 32 weeks
The shock and disbelief led me to take very wrong decisions
I refused to take a photo of my baby or cuddle her
I thought no memories means no pain
I was so wrong
Anything from her memory would have helped me every time I remember her, but I was left with nothing but tears
I don't know why I did this, it seems so cruel now but then it was the right thing to do
Now, I can't even remember exactly how she looked like except for her thick dark hair and long eyelashes
This feeling of regret is so painful, I feel like I abandoned my child

My dearest Leona
Please forgive your silly mum

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

I'm sorry

You could try to contact the hospital, there may be a photo in your notes. They do take pictures sometimes.

[lilypond1]

I'm so sorry, I have no useful advice, just empathy💜

[Jubaloo442]

I'm sorry for your loss.
All decisions seem like the right ones at the time, based on how you feel or what you know. We can only make decisions on what we think is best - and hindsight is a marvellous / rubbish thing. I'd second contacting the hospital, not sure what the procedure is but definitely worth a try.
Hugs x

[passportmess]

Jasmina . I have a friend who lost a baby and she bought a photo from a website that specialises in photos of sunrises/ sunsets on a beach on the south coast on the date of your choice. The photos for the 25th of September 2006 are beautiful on the site [www.thedaythat.co.uk] The company frame the photo for you. Just a thought. It may not be for you and I don't want to intrude but it helped my friend. Leona is such a lovely name.

[figsandalmonds]

Hi Jasmina, the loss of a child haunts us forever. 10years might feel like a long time, but I think that you never get over the loss of a child so 10, 15 or 20 years later the feelings are always going to be there. They change but they don't go away. Don't apologise or feel guilty for this.

I'm sorry to hear about your regrets. We lots our daughter suddenly when she was 1.5 in December 2014. We tried to make as few decisions as possible at the time, because we weren't sure what we would want in the long term, but some had to be made in haste on the day. We left the pushchair at the hospital after she died. I had walked up the hill with her and couldn't face taking it home empty. We left her bedroom intact until very recently - because we're about to have another baby (any day now). But sorting through her clothes - many of which were still dirty - was excruciating. I worked hard, emotionally, to remind myself that my connection to my daughter is not through objects that we still have or those we don't. Our connection to her is emotional, in our hearts and minds. Now that it's been nearly 2 years I do feel like she is further away and I have terrible anxieties about forgetting what she looked and smelled like and the sound of her voice. But on days when I feel stronger I remember that the details are not what matters. She is and always will be in my heart and mind. She changed my life the day she was born and no photo, pushchair or item of clothing will change my connection with her.

I can absolutely understand your distress but don't beat yourself up. You did the best you could at the time. In moments of such intense stress, that's the best we can expect of ourselves...

Have you connected with other people on social media? It's never too late to do this (SANDS, TCF, etc). There are also good books out there. I'm currently reading Child Loss, the Heartbreak and the Hope by Clara Hinton. You can check out her facebook page which includes quotes from her book. I find that she says a lot of very poignant things very clearly (she had a still birth and lost an adult child and speaks of both).

With love & light xo

[Jasmina123]

Thank you all for your encouragement and support
Your words meant a lot to me ❤️

[Jasmina123]

Passportmess thanks a lot for the link, I had a look at the website, and I like the idea 💐

[Jasmina123]

Figsandalmonds
I am so sorry to know about your loss, I can't even compare my pain to what you went through. you courage and positivity is a real inspiration.
You comment is like a breathe of fresh air... Thanks a lot 💐

[passportmess]

My heart goes out to you both, Jasmina and figsandalmonds. X

[Simmi1]

So sorry *jasmina
Please don't beat yourself up - you did what you felt was right at the time.