Please help - lost my baby boy at 34.5 weeks

(202 Posts)
teaandbics Thu 04-Aug-16 22:29:27

My beautiful boy was stillborn 2 weeks ago today. I am drowning in the loss of him. I need to know if the pain and sorrow and especially the what ifs and regret will ever change, as I cannot imagine they ever will and I am not coping at all. Things are so bleak right now.

I cannot seem to process that he really is gone. I keep trying to rewind back time in the hope that somehow, somehow, I can be given another chance to save him. The thing that is making it most difficult to cope is the guilt. A few days before we lost him I had mentioned to my husband that he had moved a little less that day. As soon as my husband put his hand on my tummy our baby kicked hard (he was always a real mover) and my husband said see, he's just been sleeping. I had read something about babies at that point sleeping up to 10 hrs a day, and so didn't think any more of it. It is completely destroying me that my brain did not engage at all and I never thought for even a second that my boy was in trouble. I am sickened by the thought that I could have saved him and that I was going about my every day life while he was losing his. I feel disgusted by my ignorance and blind faith that our baby was coming. The night before we lost him my mum and I folded all of his clothes, ready for his arrival. I had even invited my MIL to the scan we had the next day, when we discovered that we had lost our baby. Thankfully, the only blessing we have had during this awful time is that I realised that morning that our baby wasn't moving and so we went ahead to the scan without her. I don't think I could have coped with another person's pain. Ours was already too much.

To make a terrible situation even sadder, my sister in law is due a few days after our due date. I have just been told by my MIL that she is having a boy. She told me as an act of kindness, to try and prepare me (they had not told anyone else). We have not told them yet that we have lost our baby as we don't want to worry or stress them before their baby comes. We're too caught up in our own grief to know if this is a terrible idea or not.

I am not close with my SIL. We've never had a cross word, but she has always been quite distant so it's not even like she will be a source of support or comfort in the future. We hardly even spoke about our pregnancies. I haven't even got the words to speak to my own mum or dad right now (who are waiting patiently for whenever I'm ready to let them help, to let them in), let alone someone I am not close to. I cannot conceive of how we are supposed to survive this, when we will have a constant reminder of what our boy should be doing at every stage.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. I guess I need to know that it will not always be this bleak. He was our miracle boy. I have a 3year old boy and it took us 4 years, an ectopic pregnancy and 2 rounds of IVF to have him. I am 40. Our baby boy was a magical, amazing surprise that we never expected. And now he's gone. And I feel so cheated, like it was all a cruel trick to be snatched away just as we got comfortable with the idea of the family we never thought we'd be lucky enough to have.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 04-Aug-16 22:31:50

Oh lovely - I'm so sad to hear about this. I wish there was something I could say to help but I know there's not.

Would you like to tell us more about your little one? He sounds like a beautiful boy

Rainbowqueeen Thu 04-Aug-16 22:32:36

I am so so sorry.

Sending you hugs love and strength

dementedma Thu 04-Aug-16 22:34:57

Thinking of you. I don't know what to say.
What was his name, your little one?

HooseRice Thu 04-Aug-16 22:36:12

Much love to you. Your op is so sad but the way you talk about your son is so beautiful.

RandomMess Thu 04-Aug-16 22:36:21

I am so sorry to read that your little boy has died, I've only heard of good things about the charity SANDS and their bereavement help.

flowersflowers your feelings sound utterly "normal""typical" so similar to what friends have shared with me, they all say life gets less painful and more enjoyable as time passes. You never forget, you never stop grieving but it changes, the rawness lessens.

flowers

teaandbics Thu 04-Aug-16 22:36:52

Thank you all for your messages. His name is Sonny. And he was truly the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen

lougle Thu 04-Aug-16 22:37:06

I'm so sorry that you have had to face this news. I'm sure your baby boy is just beautiful. I hope you will get support and that it won't be too unbearable when your SIL gives birth. flowers

lougle Thu 04-Aug-16 22:37:32

Sonny is such a lovely name.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Thu 04-Aug-16 22:37:58

Oh, tea, I know words are going to be so trite here as your pain is resonating from the page. I am so moved by this post.

Please, please, do not feel any guilt. Whatever happened is not your fault.

All your beautiful baby ever knew was the absolute love and security of his mother. He never knew pain, or suffering, or sadness. Just warmth and love. The pain he would have experience in life is now yours and understandably it must be utterly crushing.

I am thinking of you, your partner and eldest son at what must be an absolutely unbearable time for you,

flowers

dementedma Thu 04-Aug-16 22:38:44

Thinking of Sonny tonight.

Eatthecake Thu 04-Aug-16 22:38:49

flowers
My heart really goes out to you OP. I myself lost my ds at 36 weeks and I can understand the pain you are feeling it truly is the worst and the rawness of it all hurts like hell.

I can recommend SANDS to you for when you are ready to/ if you want to contact them they were an amazing support to me and dh when we needed them

flowers

RandomMess Thu 04-Aug-16 22:39:00

www.uk-sands.org/support/sands-groups

MrsBungle Thu 04-Aug-16 22:40:58

Sonny is a beautiful name. I've no experience of this but I just had to comment. Lots of love to you 💕💕💕

teaandbics Thu 04-Aug-16 22:41:12

Thank you. We'd had doubts about the name but as soon as we saw him we knew it was perfect. But now I'm seeing sunflowers everywhere I go and it chokes me every time.

I will look into SANDS a bit more. Their website was really helpful when we came home reeling from the news we'd lost him at the scan and had to find out what was coming (the hospital were pretty poor at preparing us, although we ultimately had an amazing bereavement midwife).

ADogCalledLamb Thu 04-Aug-16 22:47:13

You write so beautifully about your dear little boy. I'm so sorry, your pain must be huge. Sonny is a wonderful name flowers

Itsalwayssunny Thu 04-Aug-16 22:48:30

Tea I'm so sorry for you. Sonny is a beautiful name for your boy. At the moment it feels like you'll never get over this but it does get easier, while the pain never goes away you learn to live along side it.

My DS was born very prematurely at 23 + 5 and died shortly after he was born, SIL was due 3 weeks before me and DN is gorgeous healthy baby. We just had our first anniversary so I really do know how you feel and how totally shit it is.

Please PM me if you want to talk. Just take it hour by hour at the moment. Life is so cruel. Thinking of you x

applesvpears Thu 04-Aug-16 22:51:01

Sonny sounds like a beautiful little boy. You should be proud and realise you are an amazing mum to him, even if he wasn't blessed with life as we know it. Sending so much heartfelt love to you.

Starch1e Thu 04-Aug-16 22:53:53

I'm so very sorry that your baby boy had died. My first child was stillborn at 37.5 weeks nearly 5 years ago.

It's not your fault. You loved your son from the moment he was conceived and would have done nothing to hurt him. What did your hospital say when your son was born? Have they offered you support?

2 weeks is no time at all and your feelings are sadly very reminiscent of how I felt. What helped me was to contact Sands. They have an online forum, telephone helpline and many local groups. The absolute raw grief does ease but we talk about adjusting to a 'new normal'.

Watching your SIL's child grow up will be tough, protect yourself when you need to and don't feel you have to be visit/be in contact if it's not going to help you.
flowers

AtSea1979 Thu 04-Aug-16 23:01:06

I'm so sorry flowers
Sonny is a beautiful name.

SortItAhhht Thu 04-Aug-16 23:03:04

Oh God, how terrible flowers. There are no words I can think of that will ease your pain.

You just need time...not to take the pain away, but to begin to be strong enough to deal with it.

Please, please be gentle with yourself. You have experienced a loss nobody should have to experience x

Sparklesilverglitter Thu 04-Aug-16 23:03:48

flowers I wish I had something to say to comfort you, I can even imagine the pain you must feel.

Sonny is a lovely name

flowers

Alb1 Thu 04-Aug-16 23:09:18

So sorry about your son tea, sonny is a lovely name. Our daughter was stillborn 13 weeks ago at 35 weeks. I'd noticed a change in her movements and reported them but got told it was normal, I new that was stupid advice but I didn't phone back, so I understand the guilt feeling you have, but in your case it's honestly not your fault. It has got less raw for us now, some days are worse than others though. maybe try a local sands meeting? I havnt tried one yet but I hear there very helpful. Take care of yourself flowers

teaandbics Thu 04-Aug-16 23:12:15

Thanks so much for all of your comments. I am so sad and sorry for those who have lost their babies. It is brutal. And I'm so grateful for all of the love and kindness in the posts. I feel so lonely, but I can't speak to any of my friends or family about it, the words just won't come. So it's a relief to be able just to speak about my Sonny here. I need to hear that the rawness will get easier to bear. I don't want to forget, I will never ever want that, I just want to be able to function. My poor husband is looking after all of us and I am just not able to look after him.

The hospital was mixed. Our bereavement midwife was amazing. I had been dreading the labour but it was beautiful; we got to finally see our little boy, and he was so beautiful and warm and he was here. But we waited 5 hours to be induced, 5 hours sitting in a room alone being told that the bereavement midwife was 'in a meeting' and would be on route soon. It was clear that none of the midwives wanted to deal with us. They just waited for someone else to come along. That breaks my heart when I think about it. It feels like we have been left to it a bit now by the hospital. We have been referred to counselling though. It's next week. I'm not sure if it's too early. I haven't spoken to anyone at all about it other than my husband. My friends and family are trying but I just can't speak about it. Sonny is supposed to be here with us and I just can't deal with it that he's not

Northernlurker Thu 04-Aug-16 23:13:31

You picked a great name. Did he look like his brother?
This happened to friends of ours too. We remember their daughter always. Your Sonny won't be forgotten. I'm so sorry you've had this loss. It is so terribly unfair.

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