New here, lost my brother to suicide

[Louw1988]

Hi all, I've just joined and wanted to introduce myself and since I couldn't find a general place to post I thought ild post here as I've become known as the one whose brother commited suicude 🙁
It happened January 2015, he had had too much to drink and for some reason (no history of depression or mental health issues) he decided to rip the pigeon betting on his 10th floor flat balcony and jump
He was 39 with 2 children
I've not been the same since and I doubt I ever will be. He is always on my mind
It's hard to say I miss him as I never used to see him enough as we all had our own lives and was busy but the last time I saw him was at my daughters 5th birthday party in the November. I went to his flat on Xmas eve and had a coffee with his girlfriend as he 'slept' I still don't know why he wouldn't show his face that day but 17 days later he done it
On that night I was asleep when my mum called me at 9.51. I thought she said dad had jumped off the flats and they were trying to resusatate him as she was on her way in a taxi. I was sick and screaming but I remember thinking I know why (my dad is blind now and fed up at times) I called my mum back as it didn't make sense about her being in a taxi as they live in a village with no flats and that's when she told me it was my brother who lived a few minutes drive from me
I rushed there and as I arrived the ambulance was just leaving with no lights on - I knew then I was too late
I went to see him with my husband a week later but could only stay a minute or so as it was too hard but I said goodbye
It has been the hardest time since, trying to explain to my now 6 year old and 3 year old when I can't even explain it to myself
Despite him telling his kids and girlfriend what he was going to do, the corona decided to rule his death as accidental as there was no evidence he meant to end his life - I don't agree with this, how can we help anyone or raise awareness if the statistics are incorrect?

We lost my Nan 2 months ago and everything has just come back for me although it never went away. Nan was 93 but died by falling down her stairs (she had a stairlift which was in place at the top and open so god knows how she managed to fall between the gap) she was still going out every week to the dance group and living on her own so even though she was 93 it is still hard. Her house is being sold and I hate the thought of it being someone else's 😢

Anyway, I'm also a mum and had my daughter 8 weeks early. A wife to my lovely husband and I Work full time
I also have fibromyalgia and couldn't even walk 9 years ago but although I'm still always in pain I plod along
Would be nice to hear back from anyone who has been through similar or anyone who wants a chat x

[DakotaFanny]

Sorry no similar experience or advice but didn't want to read and run. Sending hugs your way- it sounds terrible at the moment. X

[Mycatsabastard]

I'm so sorry. Suicide is an awful thing for those left behind. Guilt, anger, sorrow and grief. And just this overwhelming urge to want to know why, to want to know why those left behind weren't worth living for.

It gets easier to live with but it never goes away. My dad took his own life when I was a child and I've grown up with anger and rage towards him yet sorrow and sadness that his children weren't a good enough reason to keep living, despite what he'd done.

Do think about counselling as it's a great outlet to vent and just let words tumble out without being judged if you say the wrong thing (or what can be percieved as the wrong thing).

I'm 40 years on now, I've pretty much come to terms with things and although I still feel sad that he never got to see me grow up or meet my children, I've accepted it is what it is.

[Louw1988]

Thanks for your replys, what scares me the most is his children hating him for what he done or thinking that they were to blame in anyway. They were only 10 and 8 and although they appear to be doing well I know it will obviously have an affect on them growing up but I don't want it too at the same time. They have an amazing mum who I know will always do right by them but it hurts knowing that my brother did this to them, to us too but I can't be angry at him and I hate the thought of anyone being angry at him.
I've seen a medium for the first time, I hid my real name and didn't give anything away and my brother came through saying he had no regrets and things were just too muggy and he couldn't think straight, it helped a little but I miss my life before he went if that makes sense? I miss who my mum and dad were as they've changed, I miss who I used to be
I know that sounds selfish but it's the way I feel, I want a day where it's not on my mind or every song doesn't seem to relate to him x

[dirtyprettything]

Lou, I will PM you. My brother was also 39.

[Louw1988]

Yes please Hun will be nice to talk to someone who understands x

[Hero1callylost]

I'm so sorry. My DH recently took his life.

Please talk to Nelson's Journey or Winstons Wish about talking to all the children - they are utterly brilliant and Nelson's Journey's advice to me has been priceless.