missing him so much

[fatsatsuma]

It's a year since we found out that DH was not going to get better. He was diagnosed with cancer in March last year and died in September. No one but me knows about these anniversaries as they pass - the day he was diagnosed, the day we found out the treatment hadn't worked etc. I feel completely broken and less than half a person without him. People say losing a spouse is like losing a limb; I feel like more than half of me has been ripped away. I look at photos of us together and can't believe how much has changed and how much I've lost. I know this terrible pain will dull over time, but right now I just need to say how desperately I miss him and how much I still love him. That is all.

[OrElseIWontComeBackAtAll]

I'm so sorry OP

Would you like to talk about him? Do you have children together?

[fatsatsuma]

Thank you. He was an amazing man - gentle, unselfish, patient, wise. My soulmate in so many way. We have three children (teens and younger). He was the most brilliant father and their loss is huge.

[Maroonie]

Very sorry for your loss, he sounds like a wonderful man

[Onedayinthesun]

OP you will miss him for the rest of your life, so sorry you have lost your soulmate. I hope the great memories you have bring some comfort to you x

[HumphreyCobblers]

I am so sorry OP.

[cathymumof3]

Thinking of you.

[Ihavenoidea]

I am so sorry to read this, and can understand your sadness very clearly as my DH died in April this year after a 5 year struggle with cancer, after 23 years together. Every day is a struggle in some way or other, as I am reminded so frequently of the lovely man I have lost, and of what we will never now be able to do together, of what I can no longer share with him, or ask his advice about, and I miss the simple pleasure of his company very, very deeply. Just his being here was so much more important than I had ever realised; I know he has gone but part of me seems not to accept it, as my subconscious listens out for the sound of him coming home all the time, often momentarily tricking me.

It is unbelievably hard dealing with the raw pain caused every time you remember even the most seemingly mundane thing and I don't think I had realised quite how deeply linked we were and how much I loved him until he had gone, which in itself makes me sad. I have a book where I write down the tings I would have told him if he had been here, and it helps to empty my head a little of all that is crammed inside. Dealing with his loss has made me determined to let those who remain in my life know how much I cherish them.

I know we all deal with these emotions a little differently but it has been important to me to keep hold of the fact that there is no timetable for grieving, and there is no official 'right' way to recover from the loss of the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. There's only the way that feels right to you at any particular moment in time. I would ignore anyone who makes you feel as though you are being too slow to 'recover' and enjoy time with friends and family who do not expect you to be the person you once were.

[fatsatsuma]

Thanks for all the kind messages.

Ihavenoidea I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. What you write rings so true. I too find that my subconscious still assumes that my DH is somehow still here - I still find myself expecting to be able to tell him things, or wanting to send him a text about something. I think it will take a long time to fully accept that he is gone.
You're right about the timescale. I don't think anyone around me would deliberately make me feel I was being slow to 'recover', but other people's lives are moving on; although they loved my DH and miss him too, their lives can go on, whereas mine - and yours - have stopped, and we must somehow start again as different people. Well-meaning people say to me brightly 'How are you?', expecting me to reply brightly 'Fine thanks!' - and I just look at them and thing 'Do you really want to know how I am? It's not pretty'
Thanks for taking the trouble to reply, and I hope that you too have people around you who are allowing you to grieve as you need to.

[LuckyBitches]

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a lovely man>