Mum,struggling

[Potentialmadcatlady]

My Mum died a horrific death a few weeks ago and then my long term partner split up with me...

Everyday seems like a month, I don't eat , I don't sleep and I just don't want to be here anymore but I have to be for my two kids...one of them has long term health and behavioural issues. He is looking after me at minute which isn't fair.

My dtr gave me sleeping tablets short term ( all gone now) and is trying various other tablets with me and I start counselling next week but I don't know what to do. Everything is dark and bleak and I hate it..I don't want to be here anymore...I want it to stop..

I have so much guilt about my Mums suffering...it took her nearly a month to die after dnr was discussed...she was very aware for a lot of that time what was happening to her and she asked me to finish it for her daily...

I need to be here but I don't want to be..everyday I just struggle to get through an hour at a time,keeping house tidy, feeding kids- lots of takeaways....

[Emptynestx2]

Hi Catlady, it's still such early days for you, the guilt is a nor,al reaction but there is nothing that you could have done except be there for her and you were. Your mum isn't suffering any more and you have to think about yourself and your children. Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much, a few takeaways won't do the children any harm short term.

You'll never stop missing your mum but I promise you that the intensity lessens as time goes on so hang on in there and do the best you can each day. X

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Thanks Emptynest.. Thing is it doesn't seem like early days.. It feels like I have been in this dark hole forever..everyday lasts forever and then night comes and my brain doesn't switch off and I can't sleep.. People keep telling me to be kind to myself but what does that mean? I should have done more.. We ding let animals suffer the way my Mum did

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Don't

[Simmi1]

Oh you poor thing. Please don't beat yourself up - I'm sure there's nothing more you could have done. What was she diagnosed with and what did the doctors suggest? I'm really sorry this has happened but try and remember you happy memories together. Do you have any family/friends you can lean on for support

[alazuli]

so sorry this has happened to you. the death of a parent and break up of a relationship are two of the hardest things we'll ever have to go through so it's not surprising you're finding it hard to cope.

after my mum died i struggled with guilt and felt sick thinking of all the things i should or shouldn't have done. this is totally normal. in the end i just accepted that whatever i did she was going to die regardless. it's hard to think of yourself as so powerless.

i know you're hurting now and i'm so so sorry that you're going through this but just remember your grief is love. you're hurting so much because you loved your mum so much.

i think when people say be kind to yourself they mean don't expect too much of yourself. it's ok to not be the best parent right now, it's ok to feel like s**t, it's ok to be struggling. don't beat yourself up about it.

hopefully the counselling will help.

xx

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Thanks for your messages... She had a long term illness and had been ill for a long time.. Her death wasn't unexpected it was the way she died that was so awful... She basically rotted to death following withdrawal of care ( I'm so sorry if that upsets anyone) She was distressed and in pain and at times was very distressed.. It was not a calm peaceful death and I can't get past letting her down...

I'm making bad decisions and doing and saying stupid things.. Bad food choices.. Bad mistakes about my ex.. I just can't seem to be able to walk away and leave him alone.. I have lost my friendship group too because it all connected and I'm coming across as the mad stupid ex girlfriend and he's the sane one..
Days seem like a month, nights are horrendous , if I sleep I have vivid horrible nightmares about my Mum or happy ones about happy things that aren't true when I waken up and then the pain starts again..
On the upside I'm feeding the kids better and keeping the house clean now

[Simmi1]

Hi OP when did your ex breakup with you - before or after your mother's death? Don't worry about appearing crazy, I've done that too with an ex and wasn't suffering a bereavement at the time. Just take things one day at a time, try not to contact your ex - rely and talk to the people who are there for you. Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job with your kids and you're a lovely mum. We all hope that our loved ones will in a peaceful death but unfortunately life doesn't work like that and it really sounds like it was out of your control. You didn't make her get ill and you're not the doctors who were in charge of her care. Thinking of you at this horrible time in your life xx

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Simmi..Thankyou I used to think I was a good Mum but at min I know I'm really letting them down..he split up with me a couple of weeks after her funeral.. I just don't think he could cope with me being sad even though I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it..in my life I can't avoid him unless I go live in a cave and leave the kids..

[Simmi1]

He sounds like an arse splitting up with you when you needed him most. Sounds like you're well rid of him and doing a great job on your own. Hang in there OP - it will get better. I'm having a rough time of it at the moment for different reasons and that's what I keep telling myself.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Sorry you having a rough time Simmi1.. Yes he's been a total Arse but unfortunately try as I might I still love him and miss him and my Mum so much..days are endless..I'm literally hanging in min by min at the moment..friends keep telling me I should be feeling better by now..going to have to give them a break I think and just take the weekend to myself..hate being alon but finding it hard to fake being ok

[Simmi1]

Of course you won't be feeling better yet - it's been no time at all? How are you doing? Hopefully you're coping ok and have some supportive people around you. Thinking of you xx

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Thanks Summi1... Struggling to be honest...feel like I'm letting the kids down..every day I seem to get more bad news and it's like wading through mud..want to feel better but just keep feeling worse..think I'm going to end up completely insane or no longer here..I'm trying to eat ( that's a major struggle) and exercise ( losing shed loads of weight- not that that's a bad thing) to tire myself out but it's not working..things just keep going round and round in my head ..have lost most of my friends in one fell swoop and the few I have left are starting to get frustrated with me or at least that's how it feels.. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up..trapped

[Simmi1]

Oh no I'm sure your friends are not frustrated with you - it's probably your depression making you feel that way. I haven't suffered a close bereavement so can't advise on that but I have had horrible relationship breakups where I felt I would never get over that person and my life was ruined forever. I now look back and realise how untrue that was. I'm now with a lovely man who makes me very happy. Just concentrate on you and the kids for now and I'm sure everything else will fall into place in due course. Your mum wouldn't want you to be beating yourself up about her death. Is your dad still around? Do you have any siblings? Please hang in there OP xx

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Another long night over...siblings live in their own worlds and don't bother with me...Dad is "relieved" and enjoying no longer having to be a carer- he did a great job and now is enjoying having a bit of me time...kids not at school today ( exams) so at least I will have company of sorts

[Simmi1]

Did your siblings not even care their mother had passed away? How old are your kids and does your ex still see them. Sorry you're going through this xx

[Potentialmadcatlady]

No idea what my siblings think or feel.. I have only had contact with one of them- he texts.. The others I haven't seen or heard from since day of her funeral- there is lots of them...kids are teenagers- their 'sperm donor' sees them but doesn't support us in any way.. The kids and I have both been told by barrister to get non mol order out against him because he's being v difficult.. My whole friendship group has 'dropped me' in favour of the ex boyfriend because he is in a position of power and I'm not so they scared of upsetting him... I have couple of girlfriends who are being supportive but they are starting to get frustrated with me now and it is actually quite hard for me to spend time with them because they keep telling me to cheer up...I sound like such a moan and I'm really not normally..it's hard not being myself.. Just want to be normal again- simple things think eating/sleeping/ exercising normally without having to prepare myself all day just to eat a bit of chicken.. Sorry to moan on but it helps to put in down in writing.. Hope you had a decent day

[Simmi1]

Sounds like you're getting there OP - it will take time. Sounds like your friends don't know what to say and are trying to be helpful. Have your kids been supportive? My problem is I have very small children (2.5 and 9 months) but have been experiencing horrible bowel problems since the birth of the second. I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot too but keep telling myself it will get better. Hand in there OP sounds like you're doing very well in the circumstances xx

[amarmai]

Can you ask your GP to refer you and your dcc to counselling ? Perhaps there are groups for the bereaved , hospital or as may be able to give referral.SO many horrible realities have hit you all at the same time.I think religion is whelp in times like this.The YWCA , the Salvation Army, are groups that do good work with those who need help. Reach out and ask for help.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Doing all that Amarmai ..but services aren't great where I am...today wasn't too bad..kept busy and managed to eat breakfast but not lunch or tea.. Kids are being lovely Summi1 but I actually find that difficult because it's my role to look after them not them after me..bowel problems are rubbish to cope with on top of everything else, thinking of you

[amarmai]

You are doing the best you can,op and slowly you will get your head above water, so to speak. I felt as if I cd howl thru the streets at night when my son died. THere was no way past but by going thru it. THere is no escape. drugs may help, exercise may help, dcc may help, friends, religion etc etc but the grief will surface until it doesn't. hang on for your dcc' sake and you will get thru it.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Thanks Amarmai ...I'm so sorry about your son.. One of my teens is disabled and has the potential to get very unwell very quickly...I understand the bit about going through the journey..wish none of us have too travel it..was trying to get to sleep without a sleeping tablet tonight but it's not working.

[amarmai]

SOrry to hear about your teen,s life threatening condition. THat frames everything in a different perspective. Yes sleepless nights are def part of the grieving. I'm up at 2am here in Canada, doing a little food prep and a little eating as we all have to eat. made. Jello with fresh strawberries and sliced bananas. WIll go back to bed when my eyes start to close.Hope you get some sleep,op.

[Simmi1]

OP don't worry about your kids looking after you during this horrible time - they're teenagers not babies. I hope you have a better day today and are feeling a little better. Thinking of you

[Potentialmadcatlady]

Another long day over..managed to do a few chores and some nice plants got planted by me and one of the teens but the days just seem to go on forever..I only get about 5hours sleep even with tablets ( only got a few left and am not allowed any more which is really stressing me out) so awake from 4/5 am which makes days even longer.. Never 'watched'/ sat through so much to in my life..need to try reading or something instead..body can only do so much exercise and walking just gives my mind too much time to think ...I never had enough hours in the day before now I have too many..sorry I'm such a moan

[Potentialmadcatlady]

TV not to