Stillbirth - friends baby died during labour!

[snugglebunny]

My friend went into labour 8 days early. Up till then her little boy was a perfectly formed, healthy baby. She had a perfect, hassle free pregnancy. She was monitored overnight at the hospital, but was sent home the next morning as she wasnt dialated enough (baby's heartbeat was normal and was not stressed). Late that afternoon she became aware that baby had stopped moving and contractions had slowed down. Scan at hospital showed that there was no longer a heartbeat!! Baby removed the next day by cesarean. Doctors still dont know what happened - can only assume that he squashed the umbilical cord and stopped his air supply. Feel totally devastated for her and hubby (I am 35 weeks now and feel so guilty and anxious!) - how do they go home to a nursery ready for a baby they didnt even get to meet?

[whatkatydidntdo]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend.

[brimfull]

So sorry for your friend,what an awful thing to have happened.
No advice just feel awful for them.

[zephyrcat]

Such terrible news snugglebunny The same thing happened to my ex's sister. Her son died during labour as well and it was awful.

[kandi]

So sorry x

[laundrylover]

Oh how awful and sad.
This just happened to my friends - one had a still birth at 26 weeks the same week that the other had her baby.
I think that when your baby arrives your friend may want to come and cuddle and cry at some point. It is also really important to talk about the baby like a person IYSWIM. You mustn't feel guilty snugglebunny but just try and be there for your friend. In my friend's case the post mortem has taken over 6 weeks so the pain continues.
Has your friend contacted SANDS as they are very highly recommended.

[AitchTwoOhOhSeven]

my sincerest sympathies to your friend and her family

[Beauregard]

How awful
so sorry for your friend.
xx

[Biglips]

im sooo sorry for your friend..

[NappiesGalore]

how utterly horrible for them... so sorry for you all

[Marina]

snugglebunny, what an awful tragedy for your friends. Hopefully the hospital will look into the cause of her baby's death properly and will give her the encouragement and reassurance she might need to give permission for a post-mortem, if that's what she wants. Finding out a cause of death can help parents in these circumstances.
The hospital should also have put her in touch with SANDS as the volunteers on their helpline all have experience of baby loss and will probably know all about the return home empty-armed
The timing of this sad news for you is awful too. Please don't feel guilty - or anxious if possible (easier said than done, but remember stillbirth is comparatively rare in the UK). Although you might be thinking she might not want to see you and your bump, if possible, can you let her set the pace? Don't keep your distance now unless she indicates that she'd rather not see you. It is so awful to be shunned by pregnant friends when you have lost a baby, even if you think they are trying to be kind.
When you do see her, ask about her baby, refer to him by name if they have given him a name. You sound like a caring friend - she will need people like you.
Having her son delivered by c-section is quite unusual in the UK - it's generally considered psychologically and physically much better for the mother to go through labour and delivery, so I hope your friend is recovering all right from the surgery.

[Hulababy]

I am so sorry

[snorkle]

Message withdrawn

[ScoobyDooooo]

Oh this is so i am so sorry for you & your friend, my thoughts re with you all xx

[kittypants]

sorry to hear your sad news,i cant imagine what your friends and yourself must be feeling

[lulumama]

so so sorry to hear such sad news , condolences to your friend and her family at this distressing time

[LaDiDaDi]

I'm so sad for your friend . I don't really know what else to say but this will affect the whole family who had been looking forward to the new arrival.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Thats awful. I'll keep your friend in my prayers.

[snugglebunny]

Wow - what an overwhelming response - thank you so much for the support. I am trying to keep in touch with her as much as possible without being too smothering! They have a lot of family support, which I think is keeping there mind off things a bit. They didnt want to see him at first - my friend said she just felt totally disgusted that she had a dead baby inside her and wanted him out as soon as possible (I have read up about this a bit and although I was shocked at her reaction at first, apparently it is completely normal). They did however go to see him at the funeral home shortly after she got out of hospital and she said it was heartbreaking but also a relief to see their beautiful, perfect son. They have called him Cameron. They obviously have "up" days and "down" days and are still trying to comprehend it all. The most hearbreaking thing was to receive a text from her a few days ago saying "I just want my boy back".

[lissielou]

omg, im so so sorry, mil lost a ds at birth 30y ago and shes still not over it. my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

sleep tight angel

[MummyPenguin]

That's terrible. Your poor friend. You must be feeling pretty scared too. Don't really know what else to say, except hope all goes well for you, I'm sure you'll be fine, these things are thankfully quite rare. Hope also that your friend finds the strength she needs to get her through this traumatic time.

[margo1974]

2 years ago, my Aunts in laws had something similar happen to them.

It's really hard to come to terms with, in their case, mum also passed away leaving husband with 2 boys. He found another partner and they are having another baby. My aunt thought it was improper but sometimes you don't need people to treat you with kids gloves all of the time. I think he needed to do normal things like have rows etc which you can't if everyone feels sorry for you. It all got a bit messy and they fell out with my aunt and her family. I wish my aunt could have stood back a bit (she is not shy in voicing her opinions) so that her family (it was her partners' sister) could stay in contact with the boys.

So give your friend lots of love but try to treat her normally. I am sure she will feel upset that you will come home with a baby and she won't, but you can't change anything. Take a deep breath when you see her and give her a big hug.

[ellanatal]

Snugglebunny - i'm in a similar position - a friend lost their baby son at full term just after xmas and the first time i met the dad after i really didnt know what to say. I felt terrible cause i was carrying my 4 month old son at the time - i felt i was making it worse for them by reminding them even more of what they had lost ( we've got the same size of families & same number of boys/girls). I just cant stop thinking about it - like you said how can they look at all the nursery stuff , how did they possibly cope with the funeral and just how can you live your life with that immeasureable loss.
I think other posts have made the important point that you must always refer to the baby by his name - but i really cant offer any other advice - just be there when they need you.

[snugglebunny]

ellanatal - such an awful thing isnt it? You just dont consider that something like that could happen until it literally hits you in the face. I know that all of my pregnant / new mum friends (and myself included) just skip over the sections in the pregnancy books about stillbirth, miscarriage etc because you always think "it wont happen to me". Its been a week since the funeral and today wouldve been her first day home alone with her baby, instead she is stuck home alone nursing a cesarean wound and sorting out baby toiletries that will expire before they try for another little one. Its just so sad! Her body is still also taking the "normal" course and her leaking milk is a constant reminder of the fact that she her baby boy is gone.

[dhw]

terrible story - i am so sorry. She can be given a milk suppressant - no body should have to experience leaking boobs on top of all of that. I would get straight on to the hospital/doc and get the tablet.

[snugglebunny]

Thanks dhw - she has been taking the tablets, I think they are just taking a while to work! She seems to be getting a bit of her sense of humour back : said to me yesterday that her boobs leak when she cries - she might start dehydrating!!