Miss dad so much

(5 Posts)
SpanishEyes75 Mon 11-Apr-16 00:03:21

Hi

I'm sorry for the long rambling post but I thought it would be good to get this off my chest. Sorry in advance If I bore you. If you get to the end, any perspective on any of this would be helpful. I won't be insulted.

My dad died last May - he was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within nine weeks at the age of 72. He was very active and young minded prior to this and lived very independently over 100 miles away from me. We spoke at least once a week on the phone and as he had split with my mum over twenty years ago (very acrimoniously - she would and still does actually spit on the floor if I say his name) we were quite close as he had none else family wise - we had similar interests such as writing and painting and we'd discuss techniques, etc., and politics. My other siblings didn't speak to him for the twenty years he was apart from mum, blaming him for mum's terrible life (she's a bit of a drama queen.), apart from one sibling who I know did love him and would call him every three months or so.

Anyhow, when he got tired and weak prior to diagnosis (Late Jan last year). I would call him every day at least once and begged him to come to stay with me. It wasn't until nine weeks before his death (upon diagnosis) that he did.

From this point, we spent lots of recipes time together, but he was obviously frightened. As time went on and they increased the drugs, it was almost like I became his mother - I'd soothe him and tuck him in, let him cry to me, rub his sores with cream, administer all the meds, etc. This was such a precious time for us and I feel lucky to have been able to to do this for him. He was adamant that he wanted to die at my home with me by his side, so that is what happened. As he got worse very quickly, I arranged his anticipatory meds (I just asked and they were delivered) and watched him slip away over a few days.

Three weeks before he died, I asked all the siblings to please make amends and visit, which they did and he was so happy for the final weeks. He kept saying how fantastic it was that we were all together again.

It was good if them to visit, but as the youngest, they started to insist to me that I put him in hospital (I think for no reason other than they thought I'd find it difficult at the end and after knowing he passed in the house - I just wanted him at home as he wanted and the care from the local nurses was amazing) and then started to ask him about money (his last conversation with them was one of anger that they'd asked - he was embarrassed that he'd die in debt). I begged them not to, but they did it anyway and it hurts me so much that one of my last conversations with him was to hold him as he cried in indignation that they'd asked. He told them in that conversation that I was to inform his friends of his death when it occurred and deal with the debt.

Then, when he was in his coma in the bedroom, I'd be holding his hand and they'd all be laughing raucously down in my sitting room. I guess because it was like a family reunion for them after many years if not keeping in touch.

I tried to ignore it and my husband and kids were great throughout. In spite of everything, I loved my siblings and had been the one who kept in touch throughout; I cooked meals, held birthday parties, babysat, etc,. I thought it was because they didn't see dad as much as I had done over the years.

Then he passed away and I was obviously distraught but held it together. I thought the family would perhaps support me for a bit. However, as the undertakers took his body away (the sheets were still warm on the bed - I remember as I hugged the bed after he'd gone) my sibling arrived smiling ('it's all over' she grinned) and wanted to take back a large stereo she'd lent him. I asked her to please not dismantle the room yet, and to leave it please. She was annoyed but left. I just felt numb. The doctor was still there as he'd just signed the certificate before the undertakers arrived and I was embarrassed by her Behaviour.

They left me alone all day, but I must admit I drank a bottle of wine that night to get me to sleep and didn't hear the phone ringing at 6am and every ten mins (apparently) after that. I awoke at 8.30 when one of the children brought their mobile to me - it was my other sibling demanding to know why I was ignoring him and saying that we all should go on dad's computer together to see his financial details. I reminded him about dad's wishes but he wouldn't listen, so reluctantly I agreed. There were no surprises. What he'd said was true - but I was so upset at having to go through everything so soon. He'd not been gone yet 24 hours.

After that, they took charge of the funeral and made all if the decisions (that's ok I thought - me and dad agreed that we didn't care much about funerals and I thought it'd be good for them to feel involved) but then left me to pay. Two siblings did pay their share, but one still hasn't and refuses to unless I share more financial details with him (I haven't got anything more to show than had already been copied and shared.)

We haven't spoken since and it's coming up to the year mark.

So there are two issues really. I miss dad terribly and cry every day in private. I miss our chats, the way he'd make laugh, his feistiness. God, just everything. I feel bad that I'm 42 and just can't move on. I have great kids, a great husband, but I can't believe I'll never see him again. I also get terrible flashbacks about the bad moments when I nursed him and how he'd cry, his eyes as they looked into mine for help.

Then, I've lost my siblings too and my nieces and nephews. I don't really feel I can forgive the way they behaved (they did much more but this post is already long enough) but I loved them and I miss them. I've gone from being the lynchpin of the family to an outcast. I guess I feel stupid for loving them so much in the first place. I have told my mum to stop spitting on the floor when I say his name or I can't see her too.

I'm trying to move on. I keep a smile on my face at work and try my best at home, but I often disappear to my room and the tears fall.

I miss him so much. Do you think I should forgive siblings? Do you think I'll ever feel better? Will I cope better. Just so tired of carrying such sadness with me.

Thanks for reading x

Haudyerwheesht Mon 11-Apr-16 00:28:13

I'm so sorry I don't think I have any useful advice but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug.

My dad died a few days ago and his last days were harrowing with him being scared and upset and confused and I understand how awful that is to see. It's so horrible because you know they wouldn't want to be like that and because you can't do much to help them. You did your best though and your dad knew you loved him and you got the siblings all together again and that made him happy.

He's at peace now. Focus on that and think how he would want you to move on. Personally I'd remain in contact with the siblings but I don't think I could ever be close to them again. Your mums behaviour is disgusting too.

Lots of sympathy. I do think you'll learn to deal with this in time but hAve you thought of visiting your GP?

SpanishEyes75 Mon 11-Apr-16 09:14:11

I'm so sorry about your dad. It must be terribly raw at the moment. Thank you for replying at such a terrible time for you. I hope you are coping ok.

I took your advice and booked an app at the doctors - next Monday is the earliest they can offer, but I've waited this long so another week will be ok I suppose. Thanks for response.

Haudyerwheesht Mon 11-Apr-16 09:55:51

Well done for making the appointment. Be honest about how you're feeling - I really hope you can feel a bit better soon

sorbetandcream1 Mon 11-Apr-16 20:25:08

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I think a trip to the doctors sounds like a good starting point, I hope you have a good doctor. Well done for arranging appointment. Yes, over time you will start to feel better but it will take time. Have you considered counselling? It might help you to work through how you are feeling. No, you don't have to forgive your siblings. Over time you will know what you want to do about your siblings but you don't need to decide yet. Do you have other people in rl who you can chat to about your dad? Has your mum stopped spitting on the floor when his name is mentioned? I hope so. Take care.

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