delayed grief

[DimpledThighs]

This hurts to post but I can't think what else to do - I need to get it out and I cannot think of anyone to talk to.

Firstly, I need to say that I feel bad about feeling like this as there have been such terrible events recently that I feel self indulgent and weak to make a whole post about my feelings, but not allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings is part of the reason I am here.

I am suffering from delayed grief.

In 1998 I gave birth to a son at 20weeks 4days. He was too small and his lungs could not get oxygen for him - he died after a few minutes. The bottom fell out of my world for about two weeks then I decided to pull myself together. I went straight back into work and took on anything and everything. I also got pregnant with my DS (now 7) so when he came along I cut right back on work and my main role was as his mother. Then DD came along (now 4) and I had even more mothering to do. I had a lot of difficult things to deal with during this time but I had my children and my role was defined in my head and boy was I busy!

DD started school last thursday and I have sunk right down, it was not until walking home from dropping her off that I realised that I coped with my loss by throwing myself into the role of a mother - it was my way of dealing with it. Now she has started school that role has diminished somewhat (not gone away. I acknowledge the importance of parenting school age children) as this has happened my grief for my first son has gripped me with a force I did not expect. I feel like there is a hand squeezing my heart and I am overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.

I use mumsnet for chatting and always try and be upbeat, but this is the only place I could think of to express my views - I cannot think of anyone to talk to and shutting it up inside myself is starting to hurt too much.

[kittypants]

sounds awful,cant imagine how you feel,but i imagine completly normal.would you speak to councillor?

[Cadbury]

Oh DimpledThighs, I'm so sorry for your loss. You mustn't feel that you are being weak to suddenly be feeling this now. Grief affects us in strange ways, and at strange times. Your youngest going off to school is a traumatic event in itself and not at all surprising that your grief is poking through the cracks now. It can't be held in check forever. It needs to come out and be dealt with and now might be as good a time as any. The time gap doesn't make it any less real or relevant.
My mum lost her mum when she was 10 years old and has only in the last 10 years, been able to grieve for her and come to terms with it - some 40-50 years later.

Can you ask your dr to be refered for some grief counselling?

Be kind to your self. You sound like you have done a brilliant job with your two surviving children - you are not worthess or inadequate.

Feel free to post here about how you are feeling - there is always someone to listen.

[HuwEdwards]

DT, I have no experience but listen to Fio, counselling is I'm sure what you need, go and see your GP.

You lost your baby boy - that immediately excludes you from any self-indulgent club.

[Cappuccino]

there is an organisation called Cruse that my mum used to counsel for that deals with bereavement

I know she went on courses for different kinds of grieving eg delayed

is there a Cruse in your area you could contact?

[Saturn74]

DimpledThighs.
My situation was quite similar to yours. I lost my second son at 24 weeks. I already had a one year old son, and soon got pregnant again, so I was so busy that it proved a great distraction.
Do you ever talk about your son?
We have a book with all the cards that people sent us, plus some photos of our son.
He is buried in a children's cemetery, but we live a long way away now, so cannot visit often.
I think it would help for you to have someone to talk to about your first child. If you don't feel ready to talk to someone close, perhaps try SANDS, or speak to your GP about a counsellor.
I had counselling for a while from a psychiatric nurse via our GP's surgery.
IME it was helpful to recognise that the baby we lost was an important member of our family, despite the fact that he is no longer with us.
My children know about him, and talk about him.
I hope you get lots of support in RL, but keep posting here too.

[DimpledThighs]

Thank you everyone for being so kind and understanding. It was hard to post on here as the temptation as soon as I start thinking about it is to divert to something else, I nearly scrapped the whole message but your response was so helpful. I did come off the computer and cry for about half an hour but maybe that is what I should be doing.

kittypants cadbury have had my NHS 6 sessions of counselling and I think before that I didn't even acknowledge it as an issue, it is a shame it had to finish and I have back tracked a bit from there. Thank you again for being kind, it meant a lot.

FioFio I am very similiar to you, I have suffered from depression and anxiety for teh past 7years, it is only recently that I have thougth about it being due to my loss rather than just me. I really hope that if I can find a way through this I will stop the depression / anxiety

HuwEdwards Saying I wasn't self indulgent really made a lot of difference to how I felt about this thread - I thought people would think I was being silly. I will remember that phrase whenever I try and beat myself down.

HumpreyCushion Thank you, I am very sorry to hear of your loss at 24weeks. I think you have really understood my issue. There is nothing left of my son. I have one photo and some footprints. I was so rocked by the whole thing that I was unable to do anything so the hospital took over and 'dealt' with the fetus. I look back now and think I should have held him, had a memorial of some kind - that would have helped. I was so determined to get back to normal, get on and get pregnant that I did not keep the cards and letters - I did the grieving in such a cover up stamp it out way that I am in the position I am now.
Capp thanks for the link, they do have a branch near me. I will phone them - do you know much about their charges?

[Littlefish]

DT - I'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, you have lost a baby, and have every right to grieve for your child. It is not self-indulgent.

Do you think it would help if you had a place to grieve? Could you plant a tree in your son's memory as a way of marking his life? You could hold your own memorial ceremony, or, if you are religious, I'm sure you could organise something through a church.

Is there anyway you could afford to have some more counselling? It sounds like you made a good start with your sessions, but dealing with grief takes time.

[DimpledThighs]

littlefish that is a good idea and perhaps part of the problem - not having a place to go. I cannot really think how I would go about it and where it would be etc. This has been very helpful.

[Saturn74]

DT, my son's grave is in the children's cemetery which is used by the hospital where I gave birth to him.
For those parents who chose not to have a grave, or who lost their babies very early in pregnancy, there there is a memorial garden, where people can go and sit to remember their children.
There is also an area where people can plant rose bushes and small trees, with name plaques for their children.
It might be worth contacting the hospital where you had your son to see if there is something similar near you?
Our hospital had a patient liaison officer who dealt with everything for us, and she was very helpful.
Alternatively you could plant something in memory of your son in your garden, of course. Or perhaps donate a park bench in his memory? I do think having a place to go that is specifically in memory of your baby might be very helpful.

[filthymindedvixen]

DT; while i have no experience of what you have been through, I can understand how you must feel.
My sister lost her only child at 30 weeks and 10 years on, she still suffers and we grieve as a family. I do know that SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death support) have lots of online support for people in your situation - even if it was years ago. They have online support forums, lots of advice and may be able to help you plan a suitable tribute to your lost son. In my town, the local cemetary has a special SANDS garden, where anyone is welcome to plant a flower/shrub etc in remembrance.

[Marina]

DimpledThighs, I am so sorry your son died so soon after his birth.
I agree with everyone on here that it is never too late to give yourself space to grieve. Even since 1998 NHS attitudes have improved hugely towards mothers who have premature stillbirths and as filthy says, SANDS supports everyone whose baby died before, at or shortly after birth - even very prem babies. I know this because my second son died in the womb at around 22 weeks and had to be induced. If all had gone well, Tom would have been four today (my EDD).
You could say I was lucky in that I got good support at the time, from the hospital, my consultant, close friends and on here. When I became pregnant again I found life so hard to cope with I got some bereavement counselling and joined SANDS. I still nearly went under that year and dh, who did not get any counselling or seek any systematic support, became fairly severely depressed when dd was a few months old
Please do get in touch with SANDS . Sometimes it takes a lifetime for bereaved parents to seek their help - they won't be at all surprised to hear of your delayed grieving, and will have lots of strategies for you to mull over. XXX

[Mumpbump]

I don't really have any comparable experience to draw on, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss... It sounds like you've been distracting yourself for a long time which is something I do too when something upsets me greatly. I guess the sorrow has to come out sooner or later and I really hope that you find a way to grieve for your ds. I think the suggestion of doing something symbolic is a really good one if you don't have any momentoes of him.

[Cappuccino]

dimpled Cruse are free as far as I remember

[tortoise]

DT.
No advice as ive not been through it.
I hope you can get some help and we are always here to listen when you need to let off steam.

[DimpledThighs]

thank yuo everyone. I will contact cruise - very proactive support from you all and I am thinking baout everything you ave said. The idea of a permanant memorial is nice but I cannot begin to think what or where or even if it will work - but it truely is a lovely idea.

Just by telling some people and them responding with such kindness has helped me in leaps and bounds.