Not really sure what I'm looking to gain here, I guess perhaps some advice for how to deal with the coming months?
I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant. Our baby is a girl and due 25th April. On the 26th April 2015 I delivered our first baby girl at home at 20 weeks gestation. The whole experience was incredibly traumatic and I am still very much grieving our dd1. We are so delighted to be pregnant again, but it's proving an emotional endurance test, which is much of what I expected. The closeness of dd2 due date to the date we lost dd1 does not help. No reason was found for dd1 passing and my anxiety levels are high, that the same will happen again. Although all is well in this pregnancy I can't help but worry lightening will strike twice and can't take any comfort in statistics or the fact that things are textbook. I'm having counselling, which helps. I guess I've been getting through so far by emotionally vommiting at counselling once a week and the rest of the time keeping busy and trying not to think too much. I suppose this isn't ideal but I don't know how else to get though.
Today I have heard that my grandad, who is like a father to me and represents all that is safe and solid and, well he is home to me basically... Is terminally ill. He has asbestosis and has been unwell for around a year now, but I guess we were all holding out hope things might improve or plateau. He has been told he has 4-6 months best case scenario. He is at home, and my granny will continue to look after him. He is 81. I'm lucky to have ever had him. I'm lucky he will be surrounded by those who love him.
But it just feels so unfair, like a trade, like my babies life for his. I know it's illogical but it's hugely ramped up the anxiety that this baby will die and he will die.
I just don't know how to deal with this emotionally, I feel like I've been on a knifes edge as it is this pregnancy and to process and deal with the next few months feels insurmountable. I know I have hormones to contend with to but I feel so restricted by trying to deal with this whilst pregnant. He lives 250 miles away too, and although we speak on the phone and I have been visiting every month or so this is going to become harder in the coming months.
I'm sorry if any of the above reads as insensitive, selfish or blasé - I just don't know how to deal with this situation.
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15 replies
Bearberry · 22/01/2016 18:20
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