4 months today

(4 Posts)
pinktransit Sat 16-Jan-16 19:04:52

Exactly 4 months since Pete died.
In some ways things are easier - it's not as rawly painful any more. It's more of an aching ongoing thing. But it's still so bloody hard. Every single thing I do is coloured by 'but he's not here to see it/be proud of me/share it with'.
Over the past month I've fixed the car (had to take part of the engine apart, clean the throttle body, decide not to replace a gasket, sort out testing, put it all back together again), installed a new shower, bought new furniture, filled and sanded back a lumpy wall.
I go to bed every night in the bed that he and I put together, a king size that I bought specifically because his dog shared it with us and my double wasn't big enough for the 3 of us, in a room that he painted, with pictures that we both chose and he put up. My younger daughter is soon to be engaged, and he'd be so pleased and excited for her. I cook things that he enjoyed. And all of it hurts. All of the time.
I'm tired - I haven't slept properly since August - I go to sleep, but wake about 4 hours later, then doze on and off until I have to get up. I take the occasional sleeping pill when it's really bad, but that's not relaxing sleep and it takes me ages to get going the day afterwards.
I spend my days pretending that I'm ok - I have to, as I work and can't sit at my desk and cry, and work has to be done. I can't make my work colleagues life difficult, so I plaster a smile on.

I miss him, and wish he was still here with me. I keep playing over and over in my mind the rare argument that we had, wishing I'd not said this, or done that. Wishing I'd married him - he asked often enough, and I'd gone from an outright 'No', to 'Probably at some point'.
Life goes on, I know that - but I'm so sad. I need his arms around me, his voice, just him back. And it can't happen.
I got through my birthday, and Christmas and New Year, Valentines will be the next 'got through that' box to tick. That's how it all feels really - everything is just one more thing to get through.
I don't know why I'm posting, other than just to get the words out. People don't expect me to have 'got over' it, but I still can't keep talking all the time about him, and how I'm feeling.

minmooch Sat 16-Jan-16 19:10:49

Big hugs. 4 months is no time at all. I am nearly 23 months on from losing my son. Some days it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like a lifetime. Be gentle with yourself xx

pinktransit Sat 16-Jan-16 22:32:21

I'm so sorry minmooch - losing a child is unimaginable to anyone that hasn't gone through that. Thank you for the hugs, much appreciated - and hugs for you too.
I will be gentle with myself. xx

cocochanel21 Sun 17-Jan-16 20:17:13

I know how you feel,it's nearly 4month's since I lost my daughter. I miss her and also spend my day's pretending I'm ok. Hope you have people around you ,you can lean on and talk too. Take care xx

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