Finding it hard

[ohjessie]

Evening everyone (or good morning, but it's night time here!)
I'm just really struggling at the moment and hope that writing it out will help, I hope you don't mind.
My grandmother passed away on Friday morning, her funeral is in a few hours. The problem is that I live abroad and couldn't make it back for the funeral. I had already booked flights to visit home for a week, I fly out in five days time, but couldn't change the flights due to price and timing etc. Funerals in Ireland happen so quickly.
I'm so devastated that my granny is gone, and that I won't be at the funeral to say goodbye, I can't believe how close I'm missing it by. I really thought she would hold on.

My whole family are together right now and I'm really struggling with being the only one not there. DP is being great but it's my family at home that I need right now.
DGM was a great lady and I'm happy that she's no longer in pain, it's been a horrible long road for her. I'm so sad for DGF who is now alone and bereft, he's of a generation of men who can't take care of themselves because their wives did absolutely everything. She loved doing it for him.
There's also been a totally disgraceful situation with the church where the funeral is taking place, I won't get into it but basically no one from the family will be speaking or giving a tribute to Granny.

Sorry this is all over the place, as I am all over the place.
Just needed to get it out I suppose.

[IamSantaClaus]

I'm so sorry for your loss Jessie I'm glad you have a lovely dp to support you .Maybe try and focus on all the lovely memories you have of her until you can get back to see your family .

[IamSantaClaus]

Being at the funeral doesn't mean you don't get to say goodbye . My dgm passed away in the summer and I found that the funeral was something I just got through instead of really thinking about it . My saying goodbye was when I was alone and thinking about things that we had shared together . It's just crap , I'm sorry op .

[ohjessie]

Thank you Santa.
I don't think I expected it to hit me so hard really. She'd been ill for a long long time, we had been expecting it, and in a way a lot of grieving had already been done before she even passed.

It's now 2am here and I'm still wide awake. Funeral is in 1 hour, I think I need to be asleep soon or else I will be just crying solidly as I know my family will be sitting through it. I can't bear the thought of my wee dad crying :(