Just letting it out

[definitelybutter]

Last night I dreamed of my late father. He was well and fit and asking me to take his suits to the dry cleaners. I just looked at him blankly and told him we had buried him.

He died a few months ago. I have no-one I can talk about this to. The last person who actually loved me, possibly the only person who actually loved me, has gone.

He didn't actually love me that much.

Off to do the school run and trying to look like I haven't been crying my eyes out.

[holeinmyheart]

Aw you need some TLC. Your DCs love you surely and if you treat them well, with patience and respect then they will always love you. You are tremendously important to them.
It is sad about your DF and you are entitled to bawl your eyes out from time to time, but to say that no one loves you or ever will like him, is a tinsy bit dramatic.
You love you, as well, don't you? Plus your DCs, that is quite a crowd.
Hugs, cheer up.

[definitelybutter]

holeinmyheart I don't expect my dc to love me because deep down I didn't love my mother. The only time I remember trying to hug her was when I was 21 and her mother just died. She pushed me away. I suppose that dc love me, but it's not really about me. They need love from me, not the other way round.

Nothing left. No, I don't love me. I want to die. That's nothing to do with bereavement. That's my normal.

doing okay today. Thanks for the hugs. I do appreciate them.

[holeinmyheart]

Sorry for the delay in replying. I didn't check the post.
Well you are not your Mother. No one loved me and my DCs all say they love me. ( there is unfortunately still a bit of me that doesn't believe them)

You thinking your DCs don't love you is based upon your feelings about your DM. BUT YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER.
Your Parents or mine didn't have the benefit of Mumsnet, or all the psychological stuff we now know about bringing kids up. They were oblivious, lucky them, not!

When we haven't received any love it is a struggle to love our DCs and to think that we are lovable.
I had therapy. I went on a counselling course as part of my job ( I didn't really realise that I needed therapy) What a revelation! I began to love and forgive myself. I received therapy as part of the course and it changed me. I have also been on a Mindful course and that was life changing for me as well.

I feel distressed for you saying that you want to die..... Would you like to tell me more ? It is so sad, although I understand where you are coming from.

Honestly, I think most Parents wonder if they have always made the right decisions, and whether or not their DCs really love them. You must have read the Larkin poem.

I am also wracked with guilt, if I let myself dwell on some of what I did to my children. However the counselling has helped me not to dwell ..... As what is the point?

All that mulling over my perceived mistakes does, is make me tearful, it doesn't undo what I did.

I wish so much that I could help you more.
Lots of hugs anyway.

[definitelybutter]

I'm doing okay. Thank you for the hugs. I hope you are alright, you sound like you have had so much to deal with. I honestly believe all you can do is your best and you obviously are working hard to do that. I hope your counselling and therapy helps you with that.

I am a bit ashamed of my earlier posts. It just hits me now and again. Right now I am concentrating on ds and making sure he is alright. He is regularly told he is loved (by both parents) hugged (by both parents) and can get cuddles on demand (while he still wants them - there's time yet as he is not yet a teen). He's the important one at the moment. I've been fighting to get bereavement counselling for him but he is wary, and now he won't leave the side of me or my husband when he is at home. He seems so lost. He is having nightmares and isn't coping well.

That's what is important, me loving ds as much as I can. Everything else can go to one side. It isn't about what is coming back. It's about being there for him. It's about giving him the assurance that he needs and the security - including telling him off for forgetting where his shoes are etc.

Pulling myself together and getting on with it. Thanks again for the hugs.