MC at 12 weeks and feeling sad

[Taichimum]

I have just had mc at 12 weeks, 4 days before my scan which was due today. Started bleeding on Sun morning but a week before my stomach just felt strange, heavy and bloated and I felt sick. I felt in my heart something had gone wrong. It is strange how you know somehow.
The bleeding was so heavy I went to A&E after a couple of hours. Saw 'products'as doctors called them on a scan but nothing that clearly resembled a baby. They insisted on D+C because I was loosing so much blood. I then passed out on the anesthetist apparently and it was all a bit of an emergency- I thought it was just the anesthetic at the time, but now it seems I went to hospital just in time. I am glad to have had the D&C personally. I thought the actual mc was horrific with all sorts of really big bits of clots and matter coming out. I was frightened of seeing my baby go down the toilet. I didn't, but now it bothers me that I don't know where the baby went- was it down the loo or the D+C? It also bothers me that I don't know when the baby died or why. Do these thoughts go away after a while?
After the D+C I felt glad it was all over and glad that I would not bleed for days or months like some people do. However, I had lost so much blood they nearly gave me a blood transfusion but then changed their minds thank god. However I am left feeling weak dizzy and shaky and have anemia as a result of mc and I can't even pick up my ds. Luckily my DH is at home taking care of us.

I am now back home I feel devastated. I am surprised at the extent of my grieving for someone I never knew and never was. I think it is the shock of having life growing inside you and suddenly it is gone, especially as we thought we were through the danger period and had names, double buggys etc on our minds already. Next time I will not take anything for granted until by baby is born, assuming we can have another one.

Just wondered how long I should expect to feel upset and what peoples experiences are about trying again. My gut reaction at the moment is to get pregnant as soon as my anemia passes to fill the emotional void I feel. Is it too simplistic to think that being pg again will make this all go away?

[eenysugarplumfairy]

Sorry Taichimum I dont have an answer for you about when you should try again but I had to respond and tell you how sorry I am that you lost your baby. It is perfectly normal to grieve over the loss - you felt secure in your pregnancy and it was taken away from you. I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope you have another baby soon, and that your pain becomes more dull over time. Much love to you and your family.

[Mumpbump]

I had a latish m/c back at the start of September and the idea that there is a bit of me and dh out there floating around somewhere still makes me really sad 3 months or so on, so I just try to avoid thinking about it too much. I also had an early m/c last week and had to cancel the scan and my booking in appointment which made me cry. I also think that your hormones are in turmoil so it makes it that much harder to cope with because you're in an emotional state anyway.

Finding out you are pregnant is so exciting and so full of hope and you do mentally start planning way down the line, so even if you never get to meet your baby, it is like losing someone close, possibly even worse because you never had the chance to know anything about them.

I think people respond differently to a m/c. There is a thread about conceiving after a m/c and there seems to be a general recommendation that you wait for one af for dating purposes. But I think it really depends on when you feel emotionally up to being pg again and how it might make you feel about your earlier loss. I want to try again asap and I think that is probably a natural reaction, as you say, to fill that void. I guess it just depends on how you feel.

Anyway, I don't want to bring you down, but I just wanted to say that I know how sad you must feel and am really sorry for your loss.

[Mumpbump]

PS, re: the when and why, I keep telling myself that the main reason for a m/c is because the pg is a non-viable pg and that it is probably easier to m/c which you have no control over, rather than having to take responsibility for making a decision about TOP later on down the line. I know it doesn't help the emotional side, but I find it easier to accept the reality of the situation on this basis.

[rahrah1]

Really sorry to hear about your MC... sounds a really traumatic experience. There must be some one you can see at the hospital that can answer all your questions. Does your hospital have an early pregnancy assessment unit that you can call and ask to speak to someone or can you contact your midwife and find out if she can give you some answers? Unanswered questions always make a situation worse as you want to focus on your loss rather than other things that happened around the events. I hope you get pregnant quickly, I am hoping to conceive after seeing my consultant as recently lost my son... so totally understand that feeling...Go with your gut feelings... All the best and hope you feel physically better soon xx

[foundintranslationnothere]

Taichimum, I am very sorry for the loss of your baby.

The important thing to remember wrt your feelings is that whatever you feel is normal and you should accept it. I have had 3 mcs, 2 with D&Cs - none as late as yours, however.

I conceived ds three cycles after my first mc, and found that while on the one hand being pg again made me very happy and made the births of two close friends' dses the special events they were, rather than my being full of sadness and envy, OTOH it did make the first half of the pregnancy very anxious indeed. Even though that mc was my earliest, I only really felt I'd passed the 'danger period' once I was into the third trimester.
When ds was 13 months I was pg again, not entirely expectedly, and mc. Then I was pregnant again without a period in between and mc again. My doctor does not believe the two miscarriages were related, and it certainly wasn't the not waiting that caused the second one, but I found that after waiting for a period, I was extremely ambivalent about trying again. The second cycle after the mc we practised contraception by calendar, and I had an odd few days before my period was due and I was actually quite panicked at the thought of being pg - I wasn't emotionally ready. I wasn't pg and tbh, I was relieved. This is the third cycle now, and we are neither trying nor not trying iyswim. I do feel more able to be happy about a pregnancy if it occurs than I would have done last cycle. - Anyway, all these ramblings just want to say, really, that your feelings about trying again will be very individual, and I know waiting for a longer period of time would feel to me like I was 'losing' chances, but my experiences would suggest that it is wise to give yourself possibly one or two cycles.

On this thread there is apiece I have written about the experience of mc and my reaction to it. Maybe don't read it if you are feeling particularly raw right now, but it might be able to help you a few weeks down the line.

Thinking of you.

[Lio]

You poor thing, Taichimum. I can't tell you when you will start to feel less sad about this, but I can tell you that when I went on to have my ds after a m/c, I still couldn't mention the m/c without crying, so you may be grieving for a long time yet. THe m/c I had after that was still horrible, but better than the first because I already had my beautiful boy and felt very blessed. For me, trying again was the right thing to do both times, and althouh the first few months of my two successful pregnancies were nervy and heartstopping, I am now lucky enough to have two lovely children. My advice is to trust your instinct, grieve as long as you need to, and i wish you all luck for next time. You will always get support and sympathy here.

[Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman]

So sorry Taichimum. Loosing your baby at 12weeks is just awful.

I can only tell you how is was with me if it helps. I mc'd in May at 8 weeks (missed mc).
Physically didn't take too long atall to recover. Had a normal AF 6 weeks later and fell pg again in Sept.
Emotinally. That was very up and down right up until I was pg again and indeed up until my 12 week scan I was convinced it would end the same. I still in fact don't want to get my hopes up too much, but try to stay positive.

I still get sad when I think about the little one lost, but do take consolation in being pg again. I hope this makes sense and HTH.

Give yourself time to grieve and take it slowly.

Lots of

[Debbsyandbibby]

So so sorry to hear your sad news taichimum just wanted to give you a ((((((hug))))))

[Taichimum]

Can't thank you enough for all your messages. It is such a comfort to me to be able to share my experience with others who understand what I am going through. There is a pressure in these situations to cope, get better, move on. It is good to have an avenue like this to have a cry and write what you really feel and get some helpful words of wisdom back or some virtual hugs and kind words.
FIT thank you for the link to your previous thread. Your testimony was incredibly moving and eloquent and thank you for sharing that with me. It did help.
Rahrah, regarding finding out more information about the mc, I was away from home when it happened which was a blessing in a way as my local london hospital and midwives are shite and it would have been more traumatic had it been there. I had a traumatic birth/c-section there with DS and it would not have helped to be there. However, it means I don't have any info about what happened although I guess I could get my notes through the hospital Pals system. I did not think these things mattered at the time. The baby was dead and that was that. But on relfection maybe it would help to know more detail if there is any.
I can get free counselling through my employer. I guess I could try that too. Anyone done this in response to a mc?

[Helgand]

Hello Taichimum, I've been posting on another thread about missed miscarriages, but am currently about 36 hours into a m/c which started at 13+4 but according to the scan today the foetus died at about 8 1/2 wks. I can't relate to the d&c feelings but can say that I am very surprised at my sadness and am already dreading the EDD in June. There have been some really helpful comments on this thread - I'll be watching it.

[arsenelupin]

I've just had the due date for the baby I mc'ed at 11 weeks. I did feel very sad (and angry, bitter, irritable) all the past month, but now the date is past, there's a real sense that the emotions are starting to lift, and I'm moving on properly. I didn't ttc straight away, and in fact only began to feel ready to do that about a month ago. Give yourself time, the grief comes and goes.

[ladypanda]

Taichimum I send you lots of love, I've just come out of hospital after a D&C, first pregnancy 2 years after a previous ectopic. My m/c was 2 weeks ago and I'm just beginning to lighten- I think it's so important to let yourself feel as much as you can and try not to block or feel you have to "try" to do or be anything.
On retrying I've had 3 sets of advice:

• from my GP, go for it as soon as you feel ready including before next period if that feels right for you (though avoid sex apparently if still bleeding from the m/c in case of infection)
• japanese acupuncturist thought it best to wait a few cycles to allow hormones to resettle
• chinese herbalist absolutely trust instinct as to when you feel your "ging" (female energy) is restored and you feel good/ horny again!

I'm going with the third, best of luck xxx

[Taichimum]

Ladypanda - sorry to hear about your recent m/c must be very sad after waiting such a long time to be pg again. Hope all the trying again advice works for you. I also like no 3. Being into chinese martial arts the old 'ging' idea means something to me. A chinese saying my teacher often quotes is 'bend like corn in the wind' which is same idea as going for it when you are feeling horney I think!
The thing about sex whilst bleeding after m/c do you think that means with a condom is out too?

[Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman]

Think you should avoid sex all together if you're still bleeding from your m.c.

You don't want an infection and you're very susceptible to one after an m.c (while bleeding). The whole thing is crap enough without then having to take antibiotics and more check-ups.

If you're still bleeding more than 2 weeks after your mc you should seek medical advise anyway.

Hope you have a quick physical recovery. xx

[Taichimum]

Juicy thanks for that. I am going to avoid it to be safe. Shame doctors don't tell you these things. I guess they assume that sex would be the last thing on your mind. Not sure why I am thinking about it anyway!
Feeling much better this week, physically anyway. I am find that even people who have had m/c s don't really want to hear/talk about it. I guess it is just too painful and depressing. However, I find it a bit hard to chat about the usual mother and toddler chit chat like nothing has happened. All a bit strange so I am now avoiding everyone except my DS and DH so I don't have to pretend.
One good thing about all of this is that the three of us have become very tight and I love them both with a burning passion. Sometimes misfortune makes you realise what you have and how lucky you are. . Every cloud has a silver lining...

[Helgand]

I really know where you are coming from with the closeness thing. I have been a bit overwhelmed by the strength of my emotions regarding my dh and dds whilst grieving at the same time. Missing dh terribly while he is at work.
I have an information sheet from my hospital about natural mc - says not to wear tampons, have sex, go swimming or take long soaks in bath all due to increased risk of infection - basically cervix is still open while you are bleeding so if something can come down, I guess something can go up ...Also says when bleeding has stopped you may continue as normal, and while bleeding should take regular showers and stay clean! Finally, it says if you experience very little bleeding or that your bleeding has not settled after 14 days contact the EPU. Hope that all helps.

[Daisybump]

Taichi...just found your post . Didn't realise how bad things were..you should have talked to us more on the June thread. I've had two mc before this pg....last November and again in April (although I'm not sure that's what you need to hear right now) I was advised to give it at least until I'd had a normal AF (so they can get a better handle on dates) but emotionally it would be better to wait a few months. My first was at 11 weeks and the doc advised to let all symptoms clear (I didn't have a D+C and was still getting faintly positive pg tests nearly three weeks later) and to give my body a chance to recover. I waited five months in the end. The second was at 6 weeks and I felt ready to try again much sooner and here am I one year on. You'll know yourself when you are ready but you have to give yourself time to grieve properly first...there's no right or wrong answer, just what's right for you. It will be difficult when you do conceive again and you'll join the legions of knicker watchers...but there's lots of support on the pg after miscarraige thread.
Take Care sweetie and keep in touch with us June girls, we all miss you and want to know how things are going xxx

[Daisybump]

PS...keep talking to your DH. I shut mine out a bit after mc No 1 and it took us a while to recover from that. The mc association have some useful leaflets www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk)

[queenceleste]

Dear Taichimum, I'm so sad to hear of your loss. All I would say is that it seems to affect people differently and there are no rules. I hope you are gentle with yourself and don't expect yourself to snap out of it too quickly, not to depress you but it took me over a year to feel over it so to speak. Everyone is different it seems. There can be pressure to feel better quickly from family etc. I did hide some of my grief for sure. The Miscarriage Association are helpful.
All the best to you.

[queenceleste]

I forgot to say - this website was one of the main supports I had, really wonderful mumsnetters who encouraged me, and we encouraged each other, to really express our grief and what helped and what didn't.

[GodRestYeMerryNORTHERNERs]

Hi Taichimum, hope you are feeling a little better. I m/c in April this year, so my due date had just passed. You never forget but it does get easier. Most of the time I can chat about it without crying, sometimes I have a wobble, but we are entitled to that I think

It is weird to grieve for someone we have never met and who never was and some people expect you to get over it quickly or not talk about it after a while which is sad.

I am very sorry you lost your baby, have you thought about doing something to remember him/her by?

[Taichimum]

Daisybump- thanks for posting to this thread. Thought my sad stuff was best placed away from antenatal thread. You guys should be feeling excited about your scans and bumps and enjoying pg gossip, not hearing all the rough stuff of someone for whom it is all gone. I appreciate you sending me your good wishes and I will be thinking of you all in June.
Helgand how are you doing. Hope the bleeding has stopped for you. Thanks for all the info on sex and bleeding. I got no info from hospital I think because I had D&C and you don't bleed much after that, although I still am a bit. Everytime I think I might have a bit of nooky to cheer me and DH up, there is a bit more and we don't. .
Queen celeste. You are so right. The mumsnetters are always best for advice and support and having a laugh too. I think the website is totally fab. Thanks everyone. You messages have really helped. I have a little cry on mumsnet for a bit while DS is sleeping and then I feel ready to get on with the day.
I think I am changing my mind about getting pg asap, but it is still early days isn't it. I'm sure I will change my mind a hundred times before I have my first AF.
Godrestyemerry yes I have thought about getting something to remember baby by. My hormones are all over the place and I tried to convince DH to go to DFS to buy a sofa on Sun which is not the point I know but I was convinced. He quite rightly suggested that perhaps I was not thinking straight and perhaps any rash purchases should be a bit smaller. bless him.
On a serious note I thought about getting a few different things but ended up buying three old fleetwood mac CD's that I love and have not listened to for years. They make me feel happy and remind me of being young and carefree. More importantly DH is going to learn some of the songs on guitar so we can sing and play together. It is not something we have done that much before and I know will remind me of this time in the future. Not in a sad way but more how close we have become because of this experience and how much we want to have children together and why. This seems like a positive way of remembering the baby that never was.... god I sound like a right hippy. I spose I am.

[Daisybump]

Hi Taichimum, glad to hear you sounding better. We planted a tree for our two lost babies...a nice conifer and the plan when it is bigger is to decorate it with fairy lights around the time of the first due date (June) and also for the second (Christmas eve) to mark the occasions. We'll get some odd looks from our neighbours with lights on the tree in June, but who cares!
I know how you feel about the sofa...I decorated the kitchen, without even doing the washing up first or tidying, so when DH came home from work, the walls were painted, but not the woodwork, and there were all the dishes from the night before plus all my empty cups on the table in the middle of the floor plus a big pile of washing that had just come out of the drier and needed folding and putting away (LOL remembering his face). He wasn't very pleased but thankfully was able to see the funny side and realise that it was my particular form of therapy! I just needed something to keep my mind busy.
I did read somewhere (think in one of the leaflets they gave us at the hospital) that buying some jewellery would be a nice way to remember the baby by, but DH wasn't convinced that a 2 carat diamond solitaire was the right way to go....selfish lump (tongue very much in cheek)

[MrsChristmasboo]

Im very sorry for your loss and what you went thru. I m/c at 17weeks two years ago and at first i couldn't go near my dh, wouldn't let ds1 out of my sight and had pnd. It was a living hell for the first month but as time goes by it has gotten easier to deal with. It would be his 2nd birthday on the 22nd of this month so im obviously rather sad atm but i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 4months ago after waiting 18months (ish) to try again.

It gets easier, just make sure you talk to people about how you are feeling.

[duchesse]

Hi Taichimum,
By now you are possibly feeling physically a little better, I hope. That anaemia is horrible. I only realised I was anaemic after my miscarriage (at 13+1, baby died at 12+3) when I started crunching ice. Until then the weakness and headaches hadn't made me wonder at all. A few days of eating red meat helped, and physically I felt a lot better after about a month- 6 weeks. So much for the physical side.

Emotionally it is still ongoing. I like you had an ERPC, and despite being initially very relieved not to be sick and bleeding anymore, after about a week, I started obsessing about where my baby's body had gone.

Rationally I knew there wouldn't have been much left of a recognisable body after the procedure, but emotionally I just wanted something to hold. I believe that in many hospitals, the chaplain holds a joint funeral service for all the miscarried babies. I am an atheist, but this thought was comforting because it meant that I wasn't the only one to acknowledge the existence of my baby.

That I think is the most crucial part- that our babies were real and seen to exist by others than ourselves validates our emotions of grief. Many people think that a miscarriage is just a late period. Apart from the mothers, that is.

I have bought a rose bush to plant for each of my children, both living and not. Four in total. The fourth one is a deep blood-red flowering one, for little Vlad, who didn't make it, but still had a life however short.

In time, you will heal.