When does the daily crying stop?

(12 Posts)
Summersalmostgone Sat 19-Sep-15 20:30:09

My dad died 4 weeks ago today and I'm still crying daily. Randomly too.
Sometimes I can talk about it when people ask, other times I can't bear to. An email of condolence set me off in the hairdressers earlier. I can be walking down the street perfectly ok and then suddenly tear up and have to stop myself from crying.

I realised while bathing my toddler that I last spoke to my Dad on the 19th of last month and burst into tears.

I now hate Saturday's, especially sunny ones as they remind me of the day I was going about my business completely unaware my dad had collapsed and was slowly dying.

I don't know what I expected but I didn't seem to expect this. I've only lost a grandparent before and I was sad and upset but life went on. I feel like this has completely shaken my foundations and I feel very fragile.

Chottie Sat 19-Sep-15 20:35:12

First of all, my sincere condolences to you flowers

It's very early days and you need to be kind to yourself. I've lost both my parents and to be honest, I still miss them, but I've learnt to live with it. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but when someone who has been a kingpin in your life dies, it leaves a huge hole. A very unMN hug { }

KittyandTeal Sat 19-Sep-15 20:37:34

It's a little different but we lost our dd2 in Jan, she was stillborn.

I think the crying and/or raging every day stopped around 3/4 months. It slowed down from heart wrenching, all consuming sobbing to 'just' tears for 5 mins or so. I remember a friend (who is nice but we have a strange relationship hence the sounding unsympathetic, he wasn't, it was his way) asking if I'd managed not to cry that day and being able to say yes around 4 months.

It is 8 months today since we got her diagnosis, 8 months tmrw since she died. I think I cry, randomly, weekly now.

Dates were massive 'things' for me for many months. This is the first month that I have noticed it's the 19th today without there being a build up. My specialist counsellor told me that dates being big triggers is totally normal and really common.

I am really sorry for your loss flowers

Summersalmostgone Sat 19-Sep-15 20:39:31

I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. flowers

KittyandTeal Sat 19-Sep-15 20:45:42

Thank you. I'm told it's different in many ways. I'm lucky enough to have not lost anyone else close to me so I have no comparison.

I have finally learnt how to be kind to myself and allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is. It sounds odd but the best advise I was given (by my counsellor) it that you don't get through or over grief you just find a more comfortable place in your heart for it.

sugar21 Sat 19-Sep-15 20:55:21

I lost dd2 to meningitis 4years ago, there isn't a day goes by that I don't cry but Its not so much now. She was a little 17 month old angel and I tell myself that angels are caring for her until I can be there.
Have to believe this as Its something to hold onto. I think your Dad will be in a nicer place and who knows you may see him again. People think I'm deranged for believing in heaven and angels but I say step in my shoes and see how you get on.
My condolences on the loss of your Father Summer flowers
Remember we have to grieve.

Northernlurker Sat 19-Sep-15 21:06:36

It sounds like your dad's death was sudden and unexpected for you. I do think that makes a difference and it does take a while in those circumstances for the immediate rawness of the loss to wear off. My mum told me years ago that it took a long time to feel more normal after she had suffered a very sudden and shocking bereavement.
I think any bereavement cracks our 'shell' and it takes a varying time to build it back up. You feel fragile because you ARE fragile. Protect yourself and try not to worry about how long it takes.

zippyswife Sat 19-Sep-15 21:08:49

My dad died 6 years ago. It's a cliche but it will and does get easier time really does help. My dad was my hero and we were so close. I lived with him and helped care for him in his last year. It was all a nightmare. But things do get easier. For me not hiding from it but confronting it was the best thing to do abd helped me plough on through the grieving process. I talked about him and him dying a lot. I forced myself to confront the new reality even though it was tough. I think I probably stopped crying daily at about 2 months but would still cry every now and then. I still do.

flowers to you and to the pps who have lost children. I can't imagine that. flowers

Summersalmostgone Sat 19-Sep-15 21:10:35

He was terminally ill but doing very well and we all expected months, possibly years. I'd thought it would be a drawn out death in hospital. I'm grateful it wasn't but I still feel cheated of time.

3 days before he died I spoke to him and poured my heart out about some personal problems. His last words were that he wished he was closer and that he would always be there to listen. I cried when I got off the phone because I was thinking that he wouldn't always be there. Maybe deep down I knew?

Summersalmostgone Sat 19-Sep-15 21:15:05

Thanks for all of the replies. It's comforting in a way to know that other people have coped.

I think when he first died, although I cried, I actually got on with things ok. I actually thought ok this hasn't knocked me too much it will be ok. I suppose I was in shock and didn't realise. I'm due a baby in November and I remember thinking I was glad he had died when he did and not closer to the birth as I would be over it by the time the baby came. Sounds crass and unfeeling I know. How naive I was.

zippyswife Sat 19-Sep-15 21:24:34

its not crass. Go easy on yourself. I didn't realise you're pregnant too. It's all a lot to cope with on top of each other. The baby will be a complete joy amid the sadness and will keep you very busy and distracted.

Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy. It will get easier. X

Phoenix69 Wed 30-Sep-15 06:08:06

3 years ago both my dad and wife died a few weeks apart and I well up randomly every few days. i feel sad now that they aren't around to experience life, for the first year or so I felt the deep grief at the loss. It does get better, time is a great healer. Learning to live with the loss is so important

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