Good days and bad days: today is a bad day.

[Monion1]

I haven't been here,in so many ways, for a while now.

I just called the doctor to get an appointment so I can get a referral for counselling as I can't afford the private ones and I desperately need to talk to someone.The earliest appointment I can get is not until Friday.

I need to talk to someone today though so here goes.

My father died a few weeks ago. I had a complicated relationship with him - anger, hurt and disappointment over events during my childhood and adolescence.

When I last visited him he was very ill and as I was leaving he asked me not to punish him( I had kept my distance for years).It was the closest he's ever come to an apology. That was earlier this year and the last time I saw him.
My mother died when I was very young my father was the only parent I knew.I realise now how so much of who I am and my values and outlook on life both positive and negative are down to him and how he raised me.And now I feel so many things ; guilt at being so angry for so long and at a loss. I find myself questioning the decisions I have made about my life , all of it.

I have a husband to whom all of this seems like the goings on in some far off country that he neither has the language nor the to skills understand.

I fantasize about walking out the door and never turning back , starting over somewhere but deep down know I couldn't do that to my child who is still very young. I just need to feel better.

[Tyrannosaurus]

Sorry you are having a bad day. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with, be kind to yourself!

[Monion1]

Thanks for the kind reply Tyrannosaurus-appreciated.Hoping tomorrow is a good day, for you too x

[seeminglyso]

I lost a mother I adored three weeks ago, I am consumed with guilt as I was snappy with her for 12 weeks due to awful morning sickness. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I wish I could turn back time - guilt and mixed feelings appear to be fairly normal in early grief. Its utterly shit. Hugs to you. xx