Memorials or similar not where the person is laid to rest?

(14 Posts)
Enkopkaffetak Mon 29-Jun-15 18:23:58

Is it possible to do some sort of momento/memorial not at a grave yard for someone you have lost?

We live in rented accommodation so not able to plant a tree or similar and my mother was in a different country to me.

I today found out my sister stepdad and niece have picked the gravestone without having consulted me and I feel completely bereft that I was kept out of this decision and as if my mother has died all over again.

I know their thinking was that I was so far away that I couldnt be there. However I would have liked the chance to be there, they didnt even ask.

So Ive sobbed my heart out on both my teenage girls shoulders.. Now I am wondering if I could do something just for me as a memorial for her. Does that exist? I know you can name stars but I would like something that I can see. That I picked that was something that was my opinion.

Any ideas?

purplemurple1 Mon 29-Jun-15 18:39:05

Our mum never wanted a head stone so we have put her name on a bench at a park we visited as kids.

hesterton Mon 29-Jun-15 18:44:25

Of course you could, and I imagine it would have pleased your mum who wouldn't have wanted you to feel so bad.

Lots of things you could do, from burying a capsule with a few special things like a picture and a letter to her - somewhere beautiful maybe? Or you could have a bench dedicated to her, name a star after her or sponsor a child through a charity for her memory. A lot would depend on what she liked, what your budget it and what appeals to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your sadness.

hesterton Mon 29-Jun-15 18:45:09

Oh sorry, I missed that you weren't keen on the star thing.

Dismalfuckers Sat 04-Jul-15 22:28:01

I was drawn to this thread as I have been wondering about the same thing.

My dad has ordered a headstone for my mum without discussing it with me, and it has upset me very much. It feels as though is m excluded and relegated to a mere bystandersad

I was wondering about something like a bench, or a tree, but just don't know.

PuddingandPie1 Sun 05-Jul-15 10:58:06

It is tricky isn't it! My parents divorced and Dad subsequently remarried. His gravestone doesn't mention his first wife (my Mother) and it surprised and disappointed me that I wasn't even asked about the inscription. Indeed the first I knew about the stone was when I was asked to pay a third of the invoice from the stonemason.

AYearofMinorMiracles Sun 05-Jul-15 11:24:46

Is there anywhere you went to as children? Is there a special place you lived? Did she love a particular flower?
I like those beautiful benches - with an engraving - or rose bushes with a plaque.
Or more personal: my Mum put together a photo-collage of her Mum when she died and my Grandpa loved it so much, he kept it forever.
I am still waiting to get a trinket engraved in memory of my Mum - would that work for you, too? Her favourite saying? What she used to call you?
I hope you find something that uplifts you and helps you remember all the love. Take care.

magimedi Sun 05-Jul-15 11:31:01

I think that a bench with the person's name & dates is a lovely memorial.

I live close to the sea & when I walk along the prom, there are many of these. If I sit down, I always take a moment to look at the name of the person & give them a thought.

PuddingandPie1 Sun 05-Jul-15 11:50:12

I had a bench done for my twin.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 05-Jul-15 12:58:38

The bench may not be a bad idea.

It really was the shock of being completely excluded from it all. It was just mentioned in passing and I was and am very hurt about the fact I was like Dismal says " relegated to a mere bystander" I want to shout out loud " She was MY mum toooo" but it wont change anything.

She lived in Denmark and I live in the UK. Hence I want something here thats for me and my family.

She only visited me 3 times in total (over 25 years) but last time we took her to a NT place that she really liked. It is close to where I live and I can get there within 10 mins. I am considering contacting them to ask if they would do the bench in the garden area there I "think" they had some with dedications.. I know my local Vicar would come and do a blessing for it there.. (would perhaps deal with the whole issue of the priest at her funeral really upset me in something she said I know my local vicar wouldnt do that)

I am also considering telling my stepdad that I want to be allowed to pick a plant to go on the grave It is a bit complex there though as she was laid to rest in the grave his grandparents were burried in. As a small girl I remember going with my "step" grandad up to tend to this grave and I do love the idea she is there where I feel I have connection too as well. However due to this I am unsure if they are having it re "Landscaped" With what happened right now I do not trust myself to talk to him or my sister about it without getting very upset.

FadedRed Sun 05-Jul-15 13:10:09

Sorry for your loss OP flowers
You don't say where you live, but you may find you have a 'Memorial wood' or woodland burial site nearby where you can have a dedicated tree, also the National memorial arboretum in Alrewas Staffordshire have a large area where people can have a dedicated tree with a plaque, doesn't have to be forces related.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 05-Jul-15 13:15:10

I am in Kent so Staf is a bit far smile

halfwayupthehill Thu 09-Jul-15 21:59:39

My Dad just died abroad where he had been living for several years. He had no friends here or there so the funeral was small. I would have liked to have had a memorial service but there would be no one to invite. I too am thinking of a memorial bench but there is no obvious location eg a park he used to visit. He didn't spend much time with us as children and didn't go out much so I cannot think where a bench should go.

Enkopkaffetak Sun 12-Jul-15 14:00:21

That is hard halfway.. Perhaps go with a tree like what is suggested further up? Or somewhere you go regular?

My sister emailed me a picture of the gravestone the other day. I haven't replied to it as I don't know what to say.

I would never have picked that stone if I had been involved. 2 roses at the side are pretty but the shape of the stone I dislike.. Not massively keen on the colour but I guess I could have got used to it..

The font chosen is nice enough.

I think I will contact the NT place and inquire about the bench.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now